I Have a Budget

Day 225– I finally have a budget. I kept thinking for a long time that I have to create a budget and follow my expenses. The only way one can save money (if you she wasn’t lucky enough to have millions already) is by applying some discipline and the first step is to know what are my monthly expenses and so for the past month I wrote down every expense I had (give or take a few) and for the first time in years I have a clear picture. The second step is to create a table with expect vs. actual expenses for every one of the items I previously identified. Done!! The third step will be to look at my expenses and decide if there is anything I can or should change.  Early last week for example I realized that I spent no money on entertainment for 3 weeks, so I took care of it right away and went to 3 movies since then. I also realized that I spend a lot of money on coffee; there I can probably cut it a little without making me unhappy. In short it will enable me to align my expenses with my values and see where I am deviating and get back on track. And I have certain rules - It is mandatory to save at least 10%, give away 10% and spend on myself 10% of my income every month. I do save but I didn’t give to charity enough so I have to take care of that as well and as to treat myself– I had a lot catch-up to do here. When I started this project I was just thinking it will help me save money and no business can be run without a budget, I should run my household in the same manner. The idea is not to get cheap, on the contrary – the idea is to get focused and to use my money in a smarter way. And so today I finally added one more item to my “done” pile. I have a budget.

I am very thankful for this achievement; I am sure a lot of people will not understand why I have to be thankful for that, but it was a big struggle for me to get to this point. I truly resisted doing it and so I am very thankful for being able to face my demons and prevail. And of course I am thankful for achieving this monumental goal because now I will be able to save, to give to charity, to pamper myself, in short to live according to my philosophy and I have the tools needed to make sure it is done at all times.    

Talking Deprivation

Day 224– I had a bad cold for a few days, yesterday I actually felt better and so I drove to another city about an hour away to meet with some friends and all was fine but today I woke up feeling strange and as the day progressed I just almost completely lost my voice. I don’t remember the last time it happened to me.
Does it mean anything? Is it a sign? Did I say something I should have said? Or what I would love to think is that it is another reminder of that I have to use my own voice, to express opinions, to write, to create. I am working right now on the program to awake the artist within, to give my inner child a voice. I have to find my voice in order to do that. So maybe, just as last week I had a reading deprivation, this week I got a gift of speaking deprivation. And just as avoiding reading gave me the space to hear and see maybe this talking deprivation will give me an opportunity to listen more closely to the very small voices inside me that are trying to find a way out. So tomorrow I will not speak at all and just listen, and write. And if it will work well I will continue for another day. It is not very often that one gets the opportunity just to listen. I can think of it as a silence retreat.  I cannot meditate during work, but at list I can be quiet. And I will mediate in the morning and at night.

I am thankful for this gift of no voice. Doing a silence retreat is actually on my bucket list, so I am thankful for this opportunity to touch for the first time in full awareness the subject of silence retreat. I will not cross it off my list, but I am thankful for the first taste of it. Life is giving us so many presents, if we are only ready to accept them. I am thankful for this gift and for the awareness I just got so I can make to most of it.

Saying Goodbye

Day 223– I was waiting today at the dentist office and the TV was, on and with nothing better to do, I watched. It was a very interesting piece about death and how we as a society and as individuals deal with it. They talked about this feeling of a “heavy cloud” of sadness that is hovering in the homes of very old people and in the homes of those about to die. It’s the fear of death and the eminent separation and the fact that people don’t usually talk about these things. Every time we leave the home of the dying person we fear it will be the last time we’ll see them, yet we don’t say a real good-bye. We have to initiate that “official farewell” so we’ll have a chance to do it and in our own way. He talked about a dear friend who chose to die at home and in one of his last days they brought an expansive Champaign and both couples just had a toast. So simple, yet so beautiful and meaningful. We are afraid of death and we try to ignore it as if it is not the end of all of us. We don’t talk about it, we don’t acknowledge it. We rarely say good bye to our friends who are about to pass on, we are just so scared, so no wonder the dying person is in so much stress as even anger sometimes. It is not the right way to die. If we believe that we leave each other only for a while, if we understand that the living always carry the dead with them, it will be easier to leave this world. And without getting into the issue of reincarnation, we really carry in our heart every one we know who died. We think about them, we do some of the stuff due to their influence on us, we are the bridge. I don’t think we could have made it through some of our deeper grieves without this presence of the dead in our daily lives. We are missing the corporal body, but the spirit is timeless and it is always available if we just look inside us for it. I hope that when my time comes I will not be afraid and I will not be angry.  I hope I can be gracious and actually be able to help my family and friends to deal the coming death. I hope to live a life that will be worthy of my death.

I am thankful I was there for this program. It was funny; I just pulled out a pen and a piece of papers and started writing; probably a first for the clinic.  I am thankful for this subject that as much as people don’t like to talk about it, we have to prepare our heart for that moment. I am thankful he opened my eyes to look at the dying person’s feelings and how scared he is. I am thankful it gave me the opportunity to evaluate my behaviors and my assumptions. I am thankful for all the dead people in my life, and for the imprint of their feet upon the sands of my soul.

What If

Day 222– Finishing week 5 of “The Artist’s Way”, I had few tasks that required going through magazines to cut images of dreams, plans, alternative lives, things I’d do at 65 and have a lot of money, things I’d do if I was in my 20’s again and had a lot of money… last week I bought a magazine but it was not a good one and today I suddenly remembered that I have few magazines I shipped with my stuff and I didn’t even know where to put it and so I left it in one of the boxes. What a treasure!! For the next 4 hours I was leafing through magazines, checking pictures for all kind of crazy or wishful things. I cut pictures of Safaris, hiking the Himalayas, rafting, mountain biking, exotic places and remote places. I didn’t feel the time – suddenly it was almost 1 am. It’s like weaving magic. I think this is the reason we were encouraged to do that. It made my imagination take flight. For hours I was just playing “what if…” without even realizing it. And I think it does few things to the soul – imagination, creativity, and above all a push to start working towards these dreams. In coaching they always teach that the more real our goals are, the more we can imagine them- the better it is. And looking for hours at images of things I really want to do, make me want to start getting serious about creating a plan of how to get there, and a deadline of when.
It is after 1 am and I woke up over 20 hours ago, but I am wide awake and my mind is racing, but in a good way. I can start doing some of the stuff right here – biking for example or scuba diving, and I can start putting money aside and start planning my first excursion.
I am thankful for a very pleasant evening where I had a chance to get my inner child out for a few hours and play a game of "what if", and allowed myself to dream big. I am thankful for the realization of how invigorating dreaming can be. I am thankful for the possibilities this game brought up. I could call it an artist date, but I don’t – I have some other plans for later this week. I am thankful for this book – I really like the places it takes me.

My Dog

Day 221 – I got a dog almost 3 months ago, planning to give it as a present to my mother-in-law. But she didn’t really want the dog and I really liked the dog and so she stayed here with me. The problem is that I work long hours and so she has to stay home alone for many hours. But she is such a great dog and she is always so happy when I come home. She is getting so silly – she’d jump and leap and roll on her back and jump and leap and… very silly and always makes me laugh when she stars this silly routine. She still has some problems doing her business only outside and not in the house, but we are working on it and it’s getting better.
Today I am thankful for this great idea to get a dog. And I am thankful my MIL decided she doesn’t want a dog. And I am thankful for this silly little creature that makes me laugh every day when I came home.

A Reading Marathon

Day 220 – I went to the beach this afternoon with a book I bought a while ago. Three hours later when it was getting dark I left the beach and went back home. I had many plans for this evening but I set down to read just a little more and here I am almost 7 hours later still not done with the book but unable to read any more. My vision is just too blurry. So finally I got up and decided to go, take a shower and go to sleep. I didn't engage in a marathon of reading in a very long time but the story is engaging enough and so I did just that.
I will talk about the book tomorrow when I’ll finish it, but for now I just want to say it is touching issues I deal with all the time – living other’s wishes not mine, open up and be candid about feelings, the meaning and role of love in our lives and also it touches the story of Leningrad during the was a very scary story, especially when told from the angle of a young mother trying to protect her children during that long cold winter. It makes history very personal, the only way it can full the strings of our heart. It is difficult to read, it is the fear of every mother, that she won’t be able to protect her children. That something might happen to them; a heart breaking story.
I am thankful for finding this book, difficult as it is it brings issue we all have to think about and deal with. I am thankful for a reading marathon it feels good sometimes to get so lost in a story. And above all, I am thankful my daughter got a surprise weekend off base and came here for a few hours to visit me.

The Next 40 Years

Day 219 – one of my assignments for this week was to leaf through magazines for certain pictures reflecting things I want to do, alternate lives, dreams, in short, interesting and very interceptive. So for the first time since I came here I bought a magazine. I didn’t even know what’s in each one and they were all wrapped, so I just bought one (and found out it was not the best of choice) but I’ll try a different one next time. Still I found some cool pictures of places I want to visit and activities I want to do. But the interesting thing was an article about how long we live right now and the consequences of that. He writes that in prehistoric times people lived to be 20; later it was around 40 but now we have a good chance to pass 90. And since usually health declines only in the last few years, we have many healthy years ahead of us and that requires serious planning. He writes there that if he is 50 and unsatisfied with his marriage but has only 10 years to live – he’ll stick to it but if he knows that he has a good chance for 30-40 more years he should start a new chapter. Same thing for work we should start looking at it as career 1 and career 2; that women don’t have to be so stressed about having babies and a career since you can take 10 years off have the kids and come back to a long and prosperous career. Interesting – I never thought of it this way. I did think about staying for another 30-40 year in an unhappy marriage and came to the very same conclusion - to leave and maybe start over, but I didn’t think of other aspects of it as well. But I sure did have time to be home and be with my kids and now I have the time and energy to start a new career. And I am even thinking of having a startup at my age. But most of all,  it makes me happy to realize that probably I have many more years of good health and active life ahead of me and I should start planning. I want to take one vacation a year to go travel, not to be with my kids but to travel the world. I think my first trip will be around February as a birthday present. I will take a month off to travel. It can be so much fun!! I never did anything like that so this is really pushing my boundaries, just the way I like it. I am starting to plan my trip. I love the idea of long vacations, of a mini retirement; I just have to see that at my work place they will like it too. But I think that at least for this round it’ll be fine. I am doing the job of 3 people right now; I sure will need a vacation after that.
I am thankful for a very relaxing evening today; I didn’t feel so well and I stayed home this the evening and it was lovely.  I am thankful for reading this article confirming my ideas of how to live my life for the next 40 years or so. I am thankful and excited about this treat I decided to give myself for my birthday – a trip for a month somewhere. Now I just have to decided where I’m going.

Searching for Prior Patents

Day 218 – I started the research to see if I have a patent or is it protected by another patent. I was working on it for a few hours. So far I found one patent that can overlap a little and only because the claims are very wide. But I have no problem going around it and actually I was leaning in that direction anyway – it is a simpler solution. I will consult with the patent lawyer to make sure I am right, but I think I am in the clear. But this is just day 1 of research, a 3 hours activity and I’ll need many more to be sure I am in the clear. But it is a very interesting process, and I sure will learn a lot from doing the research. And it keeps me in motion, and moving towards my target. In a week or two I will contact a professional to finish the research. I just wanted to weed out the easy ones. If I find a patent wide enough in this stage than I might have to give it up. Until then I can keep dreaming. And I love it; it’s invigorating. I gave up today going dancing folk dances so I could work a little. The lawyer told me that most patents never amount to anything and reading some of the stuff I can see why. I think some people submit patents just so they can have one, just for bragging rights. But that’s not me. I am looking for a patent to make sure I am not developing something already protected and if it’s not – I am taking it all the way to the market.

I am thankful for starting my journey into the field of entrepreneurship. I am thankful for an interesting evening invested in me, in my invention. I am thankful that so far I am still in the clear and so I can go to sleep optimistic.

Step Two - Meeting with an Advisor

Day 217 – I had a meeting today with a mentor from a government subsidized agency that helps entrepreneurs taking their first steps toward having their own business. I told the advisor  my idea and my thoughts of how to go about it. She liked it very much and gave me the name of a patent lawyer as a first step to check if it is a patentable idea and if it is really open yet. I am going to do some research in the next few days and will meet her next week for step two, pending the results of the research of course. Regardless of the outcome I am very happy about that. it is the first time that I had such a great idea and it is also the first time for me to take actual steps in the direction of starting my own business. I am not following anyone’s footsteps but blazing my own trail. Of course many people took this path of a start-up before but the idea is totally mine and if I am right and it is not protected, then I am going to start the development of a proto-type that I will start selling. So many times I was thinking about having my own business but it was all the time a small thing, just to make a living. This time it is on a whole different scale, a whole new ball game for me and this is the reason I decided to contact that agency and asked to join the mentors’’ program. My invention is the new thing I want to bring forward; I don’t want to re-invent the wheel about how to start a business. I don’t want my idea to never become a real product just because I don’t know how to run a business. So I will take any help I can and hopefully I am right about the uniqueness of the invention. I will know more in a week or so. Until then I have time to dream. I was thinking about it a lot today. I really want it to succeed in a big way I want to sell millions of items. But I want to succeed not for the money but for the product and for the achievement. I want to go into a playing field I never even visited before and play the big league. And a little, and not so nice side of me, wants to succeed also to shove itto my ex. He told me in so many ways I cannot succeed in things like that, and made me feel as if I am not good for much way too many times; if I will succeed in his arena – that will be big (and a little hurtful). It is not vengeance; it is more like a little kid who wants to show she can.  I hope this big dream will not fall short next week when I am done with my preliminary research. Until then, as I said before, I can dream. Dreams are the gift for those who dare to step out their comfort zon, for these who dare to try.  I am planning to be in that position from now on. Even if this one will not work-out I know that once I touched that divine source it will be there for me again, and I will be ready. 

I am thankful for big dreams and big hopes. I am thankful for any guidance and any help I can get along the way. I am thankful for the few extra days I can still dream. I am thankful for the source of all creativity that opened the gates for me. I promise to never abuse these gifts.   

A very short entry, practically a note

Day 216 – I am so tired I can’t write even one coherent sentence. I tried to write something about nurturing our inner child but it is impossible for me to do that right now. I am literally falling asleep as I type. 
  
Sadly it is not the first time I am thankful for going to sleep. I have to change that and go to sleep earlier. I am thankful my daughter is sick and so she’s here today and I got to enjoy her company. I am thankful for a very lovely evening we spent on the beach; this is why we are going to sleep too late, but we had great time. I am always so thankful for her company, no matter how often she comes to visit.   

The Self Imposed Prisons of Our Lives

Day 215 – I started week 5 of "The Artist’s Way” program where it asks me to list 10 ways I am mean to myself and I realized that one of them is not enough sleep – I fall back to that bad habit time and again, and another is not treat myself enough. So I decided to change it from now on, I have to do something special, to have some kind of entertainment on a weekly or almost weekly basis. So for this week I decided to finally go to a movie. I am planning that for almost a week now. I had few options and the one I chose was “Get Low”. Aa amazing movie, run to see it!! It tells the story of a man who did something he felt deeply ashamed of and he suffered a great loss and he spent the next 40 years of his life as a hermit in the forest next to the town where he used to live. Never talked to anyone, never had anyone in his life – practically, he locked himself in prison for the rest of his life and now, when he is about to die, he wants to come clean and tell his story to the people who had so many rumors around his name, who hated him and feared him.
The more I think about it the more I see how it applies to everyone. We all burry our shames and our secrets deep inside and we never let go; we live in prisons we create for ourselves, punishing ourselves for real or imaginary faults, bad deeds, sins. This is actually so in line with this week’s subject – we don’t allow our spirit to take flight and instead we chain ourselves to the grinding stone. We are looking down and back instead of looking up and forward; we burry our dreams instead of living them. I know I did it for so many years. I felt like a prisoner when the doors to my cell where never locked. It was my misconception that kept me there. It is so strange that most of us find it easier to be punished than to dare to dream and even more so dare to live the dream. I took the first step out but I am still fighting every day for the courage to fly. There are days I find it extremely difficult and I fall back to my old habits, and then there better days when all looks so fresh and full of potential. I think the first step is to understand that this is what we are doing and only then there is a potential for change. To recognize something good or bad is the first step in bringing in a real and permanent change. I feel it is such a serendipitous event to go and see this particular movie just in the right time just when this is the issues I am working on. It was meant to be. It is part of the bigger plan. As we set the wheels in motion so many magical things are popping all around. and this movie at this junction is a gift sent to me from the universe.

I am thankful for an evening of great kindness to myself. I am thankful for a wonderful, truly amazing movie. I am thankful for a new understanding I gained thanks to this movie. I am thankful for every serendipitous moment in my life.  

Setting My Jewelry Workstation

Day 214 – It’s the last day of the week and I didn’t do my artist’s date yet. I was debating what to do, didn’t want to go for the easy solution of a movie. I chose to make a necklace. I bought some special pearls and a very pretty center bead two months ago but didn’t find the time yet, or the inspiration to make it. So this was my project today. First I had to clear my work table from all the stuff I piled on it while unpacking the boxes. I did that and it made me so happy. One more corner that is in order, but even more so, now that I live alone I can have a jewelry workstation. I don’t have to pack it and put it in boxes every time. This is my house and I set the rules. And a jewelry workplace was my plan for so long; I just didn’t get to it yet. And then, when all was set, I made a very pretty necklace. I worked on the whole thing for a few hours and I enjoyed every minute of it. And of course I enjoyed the final product.
I am thankful that this artist’s date keeps pushing me to try new things. I am thankful that most of these new things become part of my life and not just a one time trial. I am thankful for a very pretty necklace I made today. And I am very thankful for finally having my very own jewelry workstation – this is so exciting!! And I am thankful most of all that my daughter came to visit me today and is staying here tonight. It makes me so happy to see her blossoming here.

How I Missed the Party

Day 213 – It’s Friday night. I was debating whether to go to a party, the same group as the one from three weeks ago, or not. I was debating for several reasons. First I could not find a friend that wanted to come with me, so I’d have to go alone and the second is that last time I went there was a guy whom I danced with a lot and since then he keeps calling me all the time. And in the past week to try and convince me to go to the party; today he called me 5 times. And in a lame excuse he wants to send me something by email I gave him my email address, and now he wants to be a friend on facebook – creepy. So I decided not to go and instead go to the theater to see a movie. I drove there and on the way I started thinking – why would I let someone I don’t even know decide, or influence my decision where I am spending my evening, why am I running away instead of telling him to bug off. So I turned my car around went back home, put on some make-up, got dressed up, and lie down for a second on my bed. That was four and a half hours ago. I guess that solved the conflict where should I go J. So I didn’t go to the party, and I didn’t go to the movie but I did wake up all dressed up and with a very pink eye because I went to sleep with make up in my eyes and they are very sensitive to that. I am not going to be unkind to myself for falling asleep; instead I am happy for realizing an issue I have to address in my conduct. If I don’t like the fact that this guy keeps calling me then I should ask him to stop. If I want to go somewhere I will not let the presence of someone else there change my decision. And I am not running away any more.

I am thankful for a moment of clarity where I saw this bad habit of running away creeping in again and cut it short. I will not let anyone influence my decision again. I am thankful for every opportunity to face my shortcomings and try to make a better decision. This is how I keep growing, always try to pay attention to incidents like that, evaluate and change course. I am a little sad that I missed the party, but I am thankful even for that it means I will not miss the next one, and it makes me realize this is something I really like doing. And most importantly – I finished the first album today!! I am so thankful for that. tomorrow I will place the order for it.

Serendipity - My First Encounter

Day 212 – I was working on the album again and I felt I am falling asleep, so I decided to take a little cat nap. I put my alarm clock for half an hour later and went to sleep in the living room, on the new couch. I think I even remember vaguely waking up to the alarm and thinking I’m going to get up in a second. Well, that second was 3 1/2 hours ago! I just woke up. But of course it is now 1:30 at night and I am still very tired, so I’ll just do my never-to-be-missed blog entry and will go back to sleep immediately, but this time in my bed. I guess I was and still am very tired after a week of going to sleep way too late.

But before I go to sleep I wanted to write something. Yesterday evening I suddenly had an idea about a product that I think will go very well and has the potential to be really life changing. At least this is what I think right now. I will not go into details about it here but I can say that it was like a lightning – suddenly I had this idea of the problem and of the solution. I already called one of our dear friends here, who is an entrepreneur and in the right field and we are going to meet during the weekend and I will bring it up with him to get a professional opinion. But no matter what his opinion will be I am still very happy. I am working on this program “the artist’s way” and she keep saying that we will have flashes of creativity, moments of serendipity and she keeps asking every week – did you have any? Well, this is my first one and I think it is a great one!!
I am very thankful for this moment of serendipity. I am thankful to see for the first time real results from the program I am working on. And I am very thankful for this specific idea. I believe it has the potential to change lives; I can’t wait to hear what our friend thinks about it. But regardless of the outcome, I am so thankful for such a simple and brilliant idea it came out of the creative mind I am trying to nurture in the past few weeks. I am thankful for the divine light in me that starts to shine again.

Back to the Gym

Day 211 – when I just moved here I was very excited about doing things right. One of these things was get back in shape and so I signed up for a local gym. I was very diligent the first few weeks and showed up at the gym almost every day. but soon things started to pile up on the way to the gym and as is the case when I am not fully committed to something - I start giving myself excuses and soon enough every day becomes every week and then twice or three times a month and I am ashamed to say that there was even a month I didn’t go at all. So my first reaction when I finally realized what’s going on was to cancel my membership at the gym, but I am happy to report I resisted this temptation and decided to go for option B instead – actually start going to the gym again.  I started with that last week and this week I already went twice and I am planning to go either Friday or Saturday again to have a three times a week routine which is good and I will be happy to keep that frequency. And I am trying to get back to running, pending my knees condition. I ran today almost 1 mile and I will try to build it up to 6 (10K) so i can participate in the Nike Running in November. This is my goal – let’s see if I can make it. I definitely have enough time, I trained for a marathon in 4 months, the question is will my knees be up for the challenge as well. I hope that wrapping, and icing as well as good stretching will help. But even if I can’t run that much anymore I am very happy to be back at the gym and I’ll try not to fall behind again. It is part of what I want to do for myself – take care of my physical shape. I am now at this age that if I want to keep being healthy I have to work for it; I have to eat well and exercise. I am planning to do just that.

I am thankful for a good workout today, it’s only 1 mile but it is a good way to start. I am thankful for withstanding the temptation and not quit when I realized I am not doing something I committed to, but instead got back on the horse. I am thankful for this renewed decision to take care of my body and exercise. I am most thankful for my health and I will do my very best to keep it.

Reading Deprivation

Day 210 – I doing week 4 of the program “the artist’s way” and part of this week’s assignments is reading deprivation. She claims, and I pretty much agree with her, that we use reading as an escape, as a shield from reality, as time filler. And so in order to push us to do things instead of hiding we are not allowed to read (outside of work). The only exceptions as far as I am concerned are work and this blog. So how do I fill my time when I cannot read, and I am an avid reader? In the past two days I was working for many hours on the photo book. I think that in two days max I am done with the first book – just in time to order when the coupon is still in effect. I was also planning to go to a movie today, but it didn’t work – I’ll do it later this week. Tomorrow I am going to folk dancing class, and on Thursday I might go to the karaoke club (finally) and on the weekend I want to go one day to a gallery and enjoy some local art. It’s interesting how much things one can do when not reading. It sure is something to think about. I can live life vicariously, or I can actually go out and do something. I can open my eyes my mind, and my heart to new things, I can’t find anything negative about that. so what I am learning from a week like that is that a way of self-caring and of expanding my horizons and maybe even get some new ideas and new inspiration is to go out and get lost every time in a new place. Maybe this is going to be my artist date this week – get lost in a city. Just walk the streets aimlessly, and watch and listen and absorb all the surroundings. I really like this program- it makes me look at my life in a different way every week and it makes me try new things in a way I never thought before. I am always so proud of my love for reading, I never realized it can be used as a shield, or a barrier, I never realized that like everything else it has to be done in moderation. No excess is good, not even reading. And so even when this week is over I will try to keep this in mind and use my limited reading time for extra special things. And use the free time for something creative instead.

I am thankful for my more step towards opening my eyes so I can live a more conscious life and make better choices. I am thankful for the new ideas I keep incorporating into my daily life that is far from routine by now. I am thankful for the extra free hours and for some new activities. And most of all I am thankful for an uneventful day, I learned to appreciate that this week.

The Early Years

Day 209 – I am trying to get back to normal. I am working on the album. Still on the first one out of so many – I have 32 years to cover. The first few years we didn’t take too many photos – budget constrains – but that increased significantly in later years and since we got the digital cameras – it got totally out of control. I am working against a deadline right now. For signing up with this company Inkubooks I got a 50% coupon for the first book production but only until the 20^th of August, so I am trying to finish the book by then and send it to print. I think I can do it.

It is so unsettling to work on all these pictures. Echoes from a distant past; so many pictures of us all young and happy at the early years of our marriage. I still remember the dreams, the hopes the plans. They did not include dis-illusion and they sure did not include a divorce. Everything was nice and rosy in those early years. And somehow, along the way we lost our dreams about each other, we grew apart. We forgot how fond we were of each other, how much we cared, and we started caring each about his/her own dreams that the other was there as an extra in a movie, not as a main role actor. We grew apart and our marriage got to the point of no return – a point beyond repair. I am looking at these pictures and I am so sad. We were not smart enough to tend to each other’s needs and wants. We brought our marriage to a place where it was better to break it than to stay in it. I am looking at these early pictures and I know it could have had a different ending if we were smarter, if we were more attuned. I am very sad tonight as I am working through these enormous files of pictures.

So what am I thankful for tonight, when sadness is creeping in? I am thankful for these early years when everything was still so fresh and full of potential, full of promise. I am thankful for every year that was so good. I am thankful for the many years we spend together, even if not all where perfect. I am thankful for the family we raised together and for the many blessing we bestowed on each other. I am even thankful for the more difficult years – it what brought me to where I am today. And I am so thankful for this amazing idea that one day was revealed to me. I know it is such an amazing gift to offer my family, each and every one of them, and I am the only one who can take such an undertaking and go with it.

Starting to grasp what just happened yesterday

Day 208 – Still in the wake of the suicide attempt. It starts to sink in and it is very difficult to deal with. I didn’t go to work today, my help was needed more there. With a meeting, endless phone calls, and trying to calm down, talk to those most hurt and talk to professionals to make sure we will not miss on something that can be crucial; this was all I could do. It is so difficult to stand and watch from the sideline, especially at times like that. All we can do is collect the relevant information, give it to the caretakers and pray they will use it. All what we can do is send our love and thoughts in our friend’s direction. All we can do is hope, and fear, and try to deal with the array of emotions that flooding us in the wake of such an event.
A very difficult day, for everyone involved. And I am sure that our friend is in such turmoil right now even though on the surface everyone was trying to pretend that all is well. Nothing is well, or else it would not have happened. And I think that by trying to do that we can put our friend in even more dangerous spot. Nothing is well. Someone tried to commit suicide so something is very, very wrong. And it has to be addressed.
In a day like that I hope that there is a God or some higher powers and I am sending all the positive energy and all the love I can master. I give any merit I earned to our friend. I am praying for easier days and for recovery from that deep depression. I am praying for that person to see the light again. I know it is hell right now. I can only hope for patience until things will get easier.
I am thankful beyond words for this change of heart. I am thankful these are the issues we have to deal with and not with a different outcome. I am thankful for another chance to make things right. There are moments in life when there is hardly anything we can say, just hug each other for warmth, for re-assurance, for showing our love and our compassion. Today is such a day.

Life is So Precious

Day 207 – someone very dear to us tried to commit suicide last night. The person went and asked for help a few minutes later so all is well, but nothing is of course. It is very shaking to everyone around and the realization that someone got so depressed and had no one to help is very unsettling. I had a long talk about it with my daughter, about the necessity of an anchor, someone that will keep you connected and grounded even when you lose it yourself. Someone you love too much to be able to inflict so much pain on him/her. Someone you don’t want to not see anymore. Everyone should have such an anchor and this connection, none of us is protected from moments of total despair, and that person is our lighthouse, our strength. Just to know that they are there and love us, to know how much we love them is very powerful. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is love, an unconditional love. This is our safe harbor, a place where we can come to recharge and to take off all masks, lower our guards and just reconnect with who we really are.
We definitely have to try and help in creating another fence around that friend, we have to make an extra effort to fill that spot of anchor, and at the moment just be there. Anger comes from our own fears of losing that person, but these are not the right feelings. We have to come with great compassion and great love. Only love can break down barriers, melt the ice that we tend to surround our hearts with.
I am sure a lot of good will come out of this event. It shook everything and it shook everyone to the core. This is why it is called” a call for help”. Help will sure to follow and from many directions. I refuse to think the “what if”, I just think “how lucky”, and we really are.
I am so thankful this attempt did not succeed. I am so thankful we got a second chance to try and lent a shoulder, open our hearts even more. I am so thankful for this cry for help that was loud enough for everyone to notice, but without irreversible harm. I am so thankful for life spared.  

A Wonderful Day Trip

Day 206 – It was my last day with our visitors. And the business side of the trip was done, so today was another day as tourists. I met them at 9 am and the tour guide took us to three wonderful sites. An ancient city built during the Roman era with amphitheater, a hippodrome and on top of it a crusaders’ fortress with deep mote and all that with an ocean view – magnificent. I’ve been there many times but as I said before, going with a tour guide is a very different experience, very enriching.  From there we went to a some other beautiful places, we went to a local very authentic restaurant, that I’ll sure visit again and we ended with a tour of burial caves from almost 2000 years ago. In short a very full and interesting day. our visitors did not know how to thank us enough which is the best way to say thank you. They had a great time and I was having a great time too, so over all as time consuming as this visit was, it was a great experience. After they left I went to the beach for two hours, just to clear my head and enjoy some down time in such great setting. It was, as always, such a treat.
I decided not to go tomorrow hiking. This week made me realize even more how much I need my down time and how much I need alone time. I can’t understand people who choose to be on all the time. I feel as if after such an intense week I want to take time off, just go to the gym, go to the beach, read a good book, go to a movie. I am not going to do all of this of course, but in general these are the kind of activities suitable for a down time and I will choose from that basket tomorrow.
I am very thankful I can keep my sanity and take my time to recover and do some self-caring things. I am thankful I can keep my life in check and not let them get out of control. I am thankful that after a busy week I can have a relaxed weekend and recharge. I am thankful I had a chance today to learn so much about my country. I am very thankful for a wonderful week.      

Early Bedtime

Day 205 – I came back home today so tired after another long day (and the wrong shoes for running around all day L ) so I am going to treat myself to something special – no going out to karaoke and no going out to a movie – all plans I had earlier, but instead going to take a shower and try to make it to bed by 9 pm, I can’t think of something more self-caring I could do at the moment. It was a long week and I have tomorrow another day of work instead of rest as is the case every Friday so I’m going to make up for it by going to sleep so early. One thing I have to say, it was a long week and I worked very hard to make sure that everything will run smoothly and it did. Not even one hick-up and it makes me feel so good. I love this kind of work and I do it well. I think this should be my direction in my professional life - organizing events. I’ll do a very good job and I’ll enjoy every minute of it. This is definitely something to think about.

I am thankful for this week; it taught me so much about myself. I am thankful for all the challenges it presented and the rewards it brought in its wake. I am thankful for an early bed time.

A City by the Bay

Day 204 – another long day. Until this visit is over my days are going to be quite full. Today in the afternoon, after a full day of work, we scheduled a tour guide to take them for a few hours tour. We went to an ancient harbor city north of us, strolled through the streets and the ancient fortress and halls; we watched the sunset in a magnificent show, we tasted local foods and heard so many interesting stories. It is always a special treat to go somewhere with a tour guide – you learn so much, even in a place I’ve been so many times.
I am so thankful for another wonderful day. I feel privileged for taking people around and showing them this beautiful country. Its been a long day and again I am so very tired but I am very thankful for an amazing evening.

Five People to Meet in Heaven

Day 203 – Name five people, dead already, you’d like to meet in heaven and spend some time with, and why? The question came in this week’s “the artist’s way” assignments. I found it very interesting to ponder and answer. My first one was my grandmother. It goes without saying – she was my safe heaven the ultimate unconditional love. I loved her beyond my ability to express it. My second was the Buddha – for his compassion, inner light and with the hope to be able to absorb some the amazing qualities he radiates. The third was Janusz Korczak – the great educator. For his courage, and for his love and respect for children that were revolutionary at the time (some of it even today). The fourth was Amelia Earhart – for her quest to open new frontiers, for being a feminist and taking it to the next step, for dreaming and reaching for the impossible, for her courage. And the last one - Houdini the magician and escapologist - for his courage to try his limits, for his constant pushing of the boundaries, for his mazing trust in his ability to the point of betting his life on it. It is interesting to see what I was looking for in the people I chose – love, compassion and courage above all, for pushing boundaries and for being revolutionists, each in his special field. It makes me think, if these are the kind of people I’d like to meet, maybe I should surround myself with more people with such traits. Maybe I should keep developing these traits in me. What did I do today that has anything to do with these traits I find so admirable and worth getting a glimpse of.

I am thankful for yet a little more awareness, it’s what I hope will guide my life from now on. I am thankful for every little step I take in that direction. Creativity, courage, compassion I should make it part of my vision. To live life fully; to have courage and compassion, to be creative; to push the boundaries of my comfort level further and further out; to expand my horizon. I am thankful for this week’s work, it is a blessing.

A Very Late Night of Work

Day 202 – I just came back from work and it’s 1:30 in the morning!! We had some visitors to our hospital and I drove 180 km each way to meet and greet them and spend few hours with them. It was a lovely time and I enjoyed very much the time I spent with them. The only problem is that I had to drive back home after that and I was so tired towards the end I wasn’t sure I can pull it. I thought I might have to stop on the side and take a little nap.
But I did make it and I am very thankful about that. I am thankful for a lovely evening, for new things I saw and learned and I am especially thankful I can now go to sleep – I am dead tired!!

Photo Books - Step Two

Day 201 – Before I left home last year I started a monumental project of converting all our albums to photo books so each one of the family members can have a copy. I scanned hundreds of pictures but did not have time to finish it all, and so last time I visit, since it was strictly pleasure and no work I had time to finish this scanning project and started the next stage which is photo shopping every picture. Since I scanned whole pages I had to first cut each image to its individual photos and then start the enhancing and repairing since many of the old pictures have lost their colors or developed some molds that had to be digitally removed. A project so big I don’t even want to look how much is left so it will not discourage me. But what I realized today is that I don’t have to wait until all is done but I will start making albums, one at a time as I go. And so I took already the first step. I did some serious research to find which one is the best company for me to use and decided on Inkubooks.com. And I am now in the process of loading the pictures for the first book. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, but this is definitely the right way to go. Get the books off my computer and onto the shelves of everyone as I progress. I love making books and I know that this will also encourage me to work faster. It is very tedious work to fix all the pictures but when I see where they are going it is easy to keep going, which is not the case if they just accumulate in a file. I am sure will write a lot about this project in the next few weeks as I get more into it.

I am thankful that what started as searching for ideas about my “artist date” for this week turned into an amazing idea and a new project for me. I am thankful for all these wonderful memories that are now going to be saved from further destruction and shared by all our family members, where ever we are. I am thankful for this passion of mine for monumental projects; I know the end result will be worth the efforts.

A New Milestone

Day 200 – I came up with the idea to write this blog just so I will keep looking at every day of my life with wonder. To be thankful for every day when something big happens and when something small happens and when nothing seems to happen. To realize that even when every day might look the same they never really are. That every moment we live is so special and unique in its singularity. This blog came to teach me just that. For the past 200 day I was looking at my life and trying my best to find beauty in the mundane, to find and count my blessings even on days when I  feel lonely or when I am sad. It is easy to feel blessed when all is going our way, it is not so obvious when things are not. During the process I learned to do that, I am still learning every day, and I am so thankful for that. I feel that I learned to appreciate my life so much more for having this blog, for faithfully asking the right questions every day.  For celebrating every day for what it is without wishing for it to be different; for not taking anything for granted.
I am so thankful for an amazing weekend I had with my daughter. I just love it so much when she’s here with me, I know she has many choices of where to spend her little free time and I am so thankful for this weekend she spent with me. I had the best of time. And I am very thankful that today is such a milestone in my blog writing. What a wonderful way to celebrate it with such a wonderful weekend. I am thankful for the miracles in my life.   

Celebrating Sabbath

Day 199 – it’s Friday night and my daughter is here for her first weekend with me since she went back to the military. She came today all tired but in a great mood and with a bag full of dirty cloths. I was so happy to see her and hear her stories and mostly to see that she is tired but loving her new life. And she brought with her Challah bread the special Sabbath bread. So at the evening we lit the candles and blessed the Shabbat and the challah and the wine and it was very special evening. We talked about highs and lows of the week which is something they do in their group and I enjoyed it very much. And later we had a Shabbat dinner. All simple stuff, nothing outstanding, but doing it with her after years I haven’t done it was very special. Plus right now, with my strange life style, even cooking is something worth mentioning.
I am so thankful for a special evening with my daughter. For bringing something special into this weekend, and by that making the day stands out and not blend into all other days. It’s funny, I wrote about that this morning that I want us to celebrate the Sabbath and she just felt that and came with the same idea. I am thankful for small moments, this is what memories and dreams are made of.

A Stinky Story

Day 198 – I was planning to have a karaoke night. But at the end I didn’t go – I am too tired for that, and literally falling asleep. Yesterday night my daughter called past midnight and woke me from my sleep. I was happy she called since the night before I didn’t wake up and so I missed her. After we talked I just couldn’t fall back to sleep. I went to sleep less than two hours before, so it’s not that I wasn’t tired, but I  was tossing and turning and at some point I started to really smell my dog. It came in whiffs of heavy smell and I telling myself that she really stinks and I have to wash her, but it was so bad I couldn’t sleep. After an hour I had enough and decided to leave her in the room and move to the other one, maybe that I will be able to sleep. Luckily as I got close to the door I saw something dark by the door - my dog left me a present! So in the middle of the night I had to clean it and wash the floors. Needless to say I didn’t sleep much and so I decided that my sleep is even more important than karaoke and I am postponing it until next week.

I have to admit it was easy to see some very good reasons to be thankful yesterday night, but not stepping in the pile of s__t tops the list. So I am so thankful I avoided that pile. I think it would have been a very challenging thing to try to find something to be thankful for had I stepped in J. And right now I am thankful for the flexibility I allowed myself to deviate from my plans and go for the much needed sleep instead.  

Folk Dances Class

Day 197 – finally after several weeks of delay I decided to go to a beginners’ class of folk dances. It takes place twice a week really close to my house and the instructor is apparently a very good one, so here I am to report of my latest adventure. I found out that even beginners classes are of two levels and Wednesday’s class is the more advanced class the real beginners come to the Monday class where he teaches every dance.  But I decided that since I already came, I am going to do my best and try to learn on my own, looking at people around me. And this is exactly what I did. Some of the dances I remembered from my youth, some I got looking around and many I didn’t but, I am sure that with every class I’ll attend more dances  will become familiar and I will feel more comfortable trying new ones. I was amazed to see how many people were in the class close to a hundred! And apparently the Monday class is even bigger! From being almost a lost thing when I left the country, it became the most IN thing to do. Every city and town have their own classes and here they also have twice a week free dances in the evenings on the beach, I wrote about it a while ago. I was so happy to be in this class, and see all these people that on a weekday evening instead of sitting at home watching TV are gathering for 3-4 hours and just having fun. I left early (after 2 hours) since it was my first day and also I don’t want to go to sleep too late, but I might have to make some exceptions. It is just too much fun!
I am thankful for such an enjoyable evening; of meeting new people, of learning so many new dances, of having so much fun. I am thankful I finally stopped delaying it and put the things I want to do before the things I have to. It was a very special evening, first in many, I am sure.

After 12 Years of Silence

Day 196 – part of my week’s assignments was to tend to the neglected parts of my soul, to the things I like doing and never find the time for them. I chose two activities – meditation and photography. So this morning when I took my dog for her morning walk, yes at 6:00 am, I took my camera with me. It is interesting how much I became aware of my environment once I had a camera in my hand. Suddenly the same park I walk every day had completely different colors, every group of trees was interesting, the buildings surrounding this park, and the light the golden light of early morning – it was magical. I took my time and shot pictures close ups as well as landscape, I was totally in the moment, absorbed in this assignment. It made me realize how important it was. Everything looked fresh and different, as it should, because in our ever changing world it is not really the same as it was yesterday or as it will be tomorrow. If it looks the same then I don’t pay close enough attention to the small changes. It reminded me the movie “Smoke” where he shoots one picture every day at exactly the same time, in the same angle and every day it is different, since different people are walking by, the weather changes, the light… I was so elated by the experience that on my way to work I stopped at one of the most beautiful points in our city and shot few more pictures, again of the golden light. So after 12 years of almost complete shut off I am back. Playing witness to every day wonders. I took 40 pictures in about an hour. I was so much in awe of the beauty around meand my active part in this, it reminded me a line from one of  Rumi’s poems – “There are so many ways to kneel and praise the Lord” – this is how I felt, that taking these pictures are almost a form of worship.
 
I am thankful beyond words for this gift, of being present in my life, for being in the moment, for actually seeing. I am thankful my heart can still see and feel and be moved so much, once I take my time, once I open my eyes. I am so thankful for this assignment. I will not let this love of mine disappear from my life again.

Dusting Off ...

Day 195 – I am working my way through the book “The Artist’s Way”, I’m in week two now and one of the assignments was to list 20 activities I really like doing and then write next to each one of them when was the last time I did that activity. I was sad to realize, exactly as she said, that some of my favorite things I haven’t done in years!! I let the “have to do” take over my “like to do” list. I live in reactive mode rather than in active one. Even now, when I so much more attuned to my needs and want. I just didn’t stop to look back and think what are the things I really like doing. But the goal of this exercise is not to make me feel all bad about making the wrong choices, it is just the opposite – to make me be more aware of my choices and give me a chance to change course a little. So from all this big list I am going to choose two activities to do this week. That was a tough one but I know that if will try to grab too much I will drop the ball. Changes can last when we take it slow and do it one or two at a time. So this week I am going to take up meditation again, immediately after I finish writing, and I will do photography session this week. I will go out and take at least 10 pictures of a subject I will decide. I am trying to do meditation before I go to sleep, but I just fall asleep, so today I will do it now, before going to bed. And as to the photography, I do take a lot of pictures but I didn’t go on an outing just for photo shooting in about 10 years – I think it’s time to get back to that love of mine. I love meditation, I think it brings calmness and clarity, I love photography – it gives me such a different and fresh angle on the mundane and the trivial things in life; I can’t wait to start doing these activities again. I hope I will not forget again the things dear to my heart; that I will never forget to water my secret garden again. This is my core, my inner strength, my soul; I should never neglect it again.

I am thankful for this exercise in self-awareness that opened my eyes to some neglected parts of my soul. I am so thankful and excited about this week new activities. I love meditation, and I love photography so I can’t wait to start it again. I am so thankful to introduce them back into my life.