A Philosophical Moment

Day 560 – I had to prepare a talk yesterday about the Baha’i faith for our TD class, so I did some reading on the internet to understand a little and I came across this very interesting writing of Bahaulla, the man who established the faith the way it is today. He said "Be generous in prosperity, and thankful in adversity. Be worthy of the trust of thy neighbor, and look upon him with a bright and friendly face. Be a treasure to the poor, an admonisher to the rich, an answerer to the cry of the needy, a preserver of the sanctity of thy pledge. Be fair in thy judgment, and guarded in thy speech." I liked it so much that I posted on my Facebook and a whole discussion started about the meaning of it. So I decided to write about the first sentence. I told my friend that this is how I try to lead my life. It does not mean "what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger" as one of my friends suggested, but instead it means be level headed. Don’t think that success makes you bigger than life and trials make you so small and unimportant. We are worthy no matter what and we should never forget that. We also should never forget who we are and where we came from if we are prospering; too many people do. We should be generous when we are doing well, generous with money but also with help to people that are at trial times at that point. The fact that we are well should be something to humble us and not to make us cocky; it should make us thankful for our good fortunes and open our purses and our hearts. And adversities will come, no one is spared. At one point or another we will meet challenges and trials; we will have problems that will try to pull us down. And at those moments we have to remember our good times and be thankful for them, remember that bad times are part of the cycle, and at the end of the day, bad times and challenges are the building blocks to who we are. Bad times bring out our true powers, our internal strength, our determination to overcome setbacks, but we have to do it gracefully, we have to accept them for what they are – patches of bad time – and we should not let them turn us into hard and callous people, we have to be able to accept it and keep a vibrating and soft heart. In the past few years I finally understood these beautiful verses, without being a Baha’i, just by getting older and with eyes and heart that are more open, because I too, like every one else had to go through challenges and find my peace. I try to be thankful for every day of my life, for anything that happens there, regardless if it’s good or bad, it is life, my life, and I will live it the best I can and be thankful for whatever is the roll of the dice.

 

I am thankful for the amazing class of TD I just finished; it brought so much goodness into my life. I am thankful I came upon this phrase and because of my friend’s comments had the opportunity to think about it even further. I am thankful for my age and experiences; I think I am a better person today for going through them all. I am thankful for my days of prosperity, for days of adversity and for days with nothing special to write home about; these up and down movements are the real pulses of life, and that’s what keep them full of potential, what make them the way they are; I would not want it any other way. I am thankful to be able to think, to love and to be hurt - to be so alive!!   

All Good Things Come to an End

Day 559  - today was the last day of my TD class. We had a tour of a city, we took a short cruise on the magnificent bay at sunset, and to celebrate we all went to a restaurant. The atmosphere was good and we had a lot of fun but it was so sad to say goodby to each other. For the past eight months we saw each other almost every week. We saw each other through high and low points. We became friends. And now we have to say goodbye knowing that this very special period in our lives is over. Leaving few more memories in the past and moving in to new frontiers, new experiences new friends. We were all a little sentimental and acted a little silly but after few more hugs and kisses and goodbyes we actually went each his/her separate way. Now I have no more excuses. Now I have to start thinking about the next chapter and how I am going to pursue it. Now I have to make up my mind what this step is going to look like, what is the direction I am going to take. It will be very interesting in the next few weeks.

I am thankful for an amazing class. I am thankful for friends I made in these past eight months. I am thankful for the challenges and triumphs. I am thankful I found out about this class, joined it, even if a little late, for an experience like no other; I absolutely loved it!!!

Fasting

Day 558 – Today is a fasting day to mark the destruction of the Second Temple in Jerusalem by the Roman Empire. We are not at all religious, my daughter and I, but it is still a lot of fun to fast; so this is what we did. Starting the fast yesterday evening and ending it 24 hours later. I went to work really early today so by 2 pm I was already done and we could spend the afternoon together and it was lovely. Two hours before the end of the fasting we went to see a movie “To Rome with Love” – beautiful scenery but not an amazing movie; still, it was a fun way to pass the last two hours of our fasting and getting out of the theater we went to a burger joint in the same mall and ate a nice meal. My daughter also signed today a contract for her first job after the military, so we had few good reasons to celebrate. And I am sure you got it by now, we really don’t need a special reason to celebrate; we try to do it as much as we can. We were very proud of ourselves for accomplishing the fast, for her contract, achieving something she is dreaming about for years and it’s suddenly very real; we got an extra day to spend together – so many reasons to be happy; so many reasons to be thankful for our good fortune. It was a very pleasant evening. And given the fact that we both know this honeymoon period is coming to its end and life will take us in different directions we try to spend some quality time together.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful day I got to spend with my daughter. I am thankful that we both can find lightness and fun even in the most difficult situations, let along such a pleasant day as today.  I am thankful for fasting without much difficulties, for celebrating without restrictions, and for all the good coming our way for daring to think big and to go for it. And I am thankful it is not easy for me to spend another day without seeing him; it doesn’t stop amazing me how involved I am getting, much more than I care to admit, and every phone call, I am so happy to receive, makes it so obvious that I do, and it seems to me he does care about me very much too.       

A Different Kind of Love Story

Day 557 – We spend a lot of time together, maybe too much. It is so easy to fall into this pattern. We really enjoy each other’s company and our kids are all grown up and don’t live with us, so no other demands on our time. But it is a sure way to burn through something real fast; so we took a day off today. I worked on my project a little more, did some necessary shopping and the best of all I went to the beach with a good book and read there, enjoying the afternoon sun for a few hours. It was so good just to be there all by myself and read. At the beginning I wanted to call a friend to join me but then I decided that I actually want to be alone. The book I was reading is very good - Kinshu by Teru Miyamoto, the weather was much better than I expected, judging from the way it felt at home, and the sea is always a treat. There are not enough words for me to properly describe this wonderful connection I have with this scenery of sandy beach and the waves that sometimes gently caressing it, at other times violently attacking it and all the different levels of gentleness in between; to describe the different kind of weather conditions I met here on the beach and how each one is special. It is really a love story of a woman to the sea she missed for so many years and cannot have enough of it. My daughter always makes fun of me for all the sunsets I photograph here on the beach but it all comes from the same place. My soul vibrated to the same wave length as the sea, it resonates in a very deep place inside me. I can never get tired of it or have enough of it. And I know this special feeling of being part of it all is not with every sea; I lived not far from the Pacific Ocean for many years and it didn’t have the same effect. My soul works on the same wave length as the Mediterranean the way it show itself here on the beaches of my beloved country, and so it brings me great solace, it has a meditative effect on me. I never want to be away from it again, and the truth is one of the main reasons I am looking at an apartment here in this city where I live right now is the proximity to the sea.

I am thankful for an afternoon on the beach. I am thankful I can enjoy it as much as I do, as much as I want. I am thankful I live so close to it; I never want to be far from it again. I am thankful for this unique gift to be able to feel so much part of nature, to have my heart vibrate to the same rithmus as the nature around me.

A Wonderful Surprise

Day 556 – We went for breakfast on the beach this morning, or at least that what I was thinking. It was after 11 am when he called this morning, so I suggested we’d meet for a late breakfast. Few minutes later he came to pick me up and we drove and drove and drove, way past the city and its beaches. He said it sounds so mondane the beach, do I mind if we'll go else where. Of course not, I'd love to I said, I want to spend time with him and what ever we do is fine with me. So he drove towards one of the most beautiful areas in our country on our northern border, the northern point on the beach. It was a hot day and quite humid but the car was air conditioned, the north is always a little cooler and there is a breeze from the sea, a breathtaking scenery and most important of all a great company; an hour and a half drive that passed in no time. After lunch (it was after all, a little late for breakfast already) we drove along the northern border, stopping at times to take in the surrounding, for me to see places I’ve never been to, and just enjoy each other's company. To enjoy a day with someone I really like; a day I totally didn’t expect to unfold the way it did. But I love surprises and I love spontaneity and I am very happy he does too. By the time we returned to the city it was 9pm already – a breakfast that lasted a full day. It was such a nice day and the more I spend time with him the more I like him. Something that makes me very happy, of course; but I realize it is also a constant fight to stay present, to stay fully invested. Since the more I spend time with him the more I am getting involved emotionally thus the more I can get hurt if it won’t work. I have to admit, this is something that crosses my mind too many times. We had a candid talk about that and he is in a very similar place, maybe even worse since he is still recovering from a broken heart, mine is really something of the past, I am just afraid. I slowly realize that as we get older we really want the company of a partner in our live, but we all carry so many battle scars that it becomes very difficult to trust and open up again. I am trying my best, but I can feel I am guarded and every so often I can hear the devil’s little voice in my ear, trying to scare me away. I just tell myself it is the devil and I should not be listening; that I should trust my eyes and my heart and when I do that, everything feels so right…

 

I am thankful for an amazing day, a surprise that completely changed a day that was supposed to be like every other Friday. I am thankful he is as invested in this relationship right now as I am. I am thankful for great candidness, for a very accepting environment that enables us to talk and express our concerns and worries; I believe this is the right way to develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship. I am thankful for happiness I didn’t expect, or as I wrote in a poem few days ago – I am thankful for this unexpected storm in the middle of my summer, as I was walking towards the sunset of my life. I wanted to say again that I hope we can turn it into a lasting relationship but this is a given, everyone is craving warmth and intimacy, I am thankful I can master the courage to go forward and enjoy every day to the fullest and let tomorrow take care of itself. I am thankful for meeting him, for having him in my life, regardless of how the story will end.         

Painting Outside of my Comfort Zone

Day 555 – I took the day off from work today. I find it really interesting that we have to explain why we take a day off. You are taking a day off to do nothing? At the beginning I had all different kind of ideas what to do and then I saw the new painting I started on Tuesday – a mess of bold colors splashed all over the canvas - and I knew how my morning will look like. As usual, it is an interesting process, how a painting emerges under my brushs. I didn’t know what I am going to do, how do I fill the canvas and how I will tie it all together, I just knew I wanted to fix one patch, to make it more interesting, to make the color gradient flow better. So I did that, which led me to the next patch and the background… at some point I started taking pictures of the process because I found it so interesting. I was so absorbed in the creative process; it was just wonderful. The final action was to add black lines to the painting. I decided it will tie it all and bring more energy and focus. I have to admit it is almost scary because it can easily ruin the whole thing, black is so bold, but I saw enough works of artists doing that so I believed there is a good chance it will work, and so I took the brush, I put on my plate a little black paste and started working. It is so exciting to do that, to create borders and just movement line, that I added a big blob of black paste to my plate and started drawing lines all over. I had to restrain myself to not overdo it. I look at it now and I am so happy with this painting. It’s different than anything I ever did, it’s totally abstract and yet it has something that feels really good about it. I have to show it to my art teacher to see if he thinks I have to add something to it, but to me, it feels done. Even now, many hours later I sit here and I look at it and it just makes me feel SO good!

 

I am thankful I had the courage to break all the rules and try something totally different; it doesn’t sound like a big deal but it sure is, at least for me; it is so much easier to copy works that other people already did, it’s really not easy to do something for the first time. I am thankful for such a fun morning that even the fact I discovered that one of the girls on Tuesday took my white paint tube didn't ruin it; I just went to the nearest art shop and bought a new one. I am also so thankful he came back today from his trip; I missed him and it was so nice to see he missed me too, that it was not a déjà vu, like I was worried, that all is OK between us at the moment.     

Shopping Spree

Day 554 – After my reflexology session, which was amazing again, I decided to go shopping. I realized last week that I really don’t have enough clothes and I keep wearing the same few things every week. So I drove to the mall and started trying on clothes. I bought a shirt and two pairs of 5/8 pants. So now looking at these cute pants I told myself I need a cute pair of flat shoes to finish the look and to finish the shopping spree I also added two pairs of sunglasses since my old ones broke about two weeks ago and there was a big sale on shades. So I dug a nice whole in my pocket but I have few very cute things to wear; and I really don’t do it very often, so it is OK. Plus, I wanted to pamper myself a little. I think it’s really important to learn to be kind and generous to myself. For years I used to neglect my needs and not buy anything nice, so this shopping spree, something I always talked against it is actually therapeutic for me. I am not planning to become a shopaholic, but to buy few things every once in a while is a good thing. When I came home I even did my nails – what a day. By the way - I love this summer’s colors; they are very bold and bright, just the way I like it.

 

I am thankful for a fun day, a very girly day, pampering myself, almost spoiling me. I am thankful I now have few more articles of clothes to choose from; I’ll try to be better about it and do it more often. I am thankful for a very sweet phone call this morning, the last one before he is heading back home. I am thankful this week is over. I am thankful I allow myself to feel, to be anxious about the outcome of this week away; that I don’t pretend I don’t care, even if it means I might get hurt tomorrow, or the next day.

A Very Busy Evening

Day 553 – another art class here at my house and again it was so much fun. I finished the painting from last week and started to work on a new one right away. It is a very strange one and I am not sure yet what will come out of it but I enjoy the process. It is basically just colors and I will have to find a way to tie it all together and make it whole. They stayed here until after 10pm, something you can do in a private home but not in the club were we are meeting during the year. I think they left only because my friend came here to visit right after class. She called me a little earlier and we decided to meet tonight and she left only half an hour ago, a very long visit which leaves me very little time to sleep, but we love it and every time we meet we stay up until the wee hours of the night. We love sharing stories and consult with each other, have a critical eye look over our affairs, since we both appreciate what the other woman can bring to the table. So this is a very short entry; I am so very tired and tomorrow I have reflexology so I have to leave work by 4 pm thus arriving at work no later than 8am – a little over 4 hours of sleep!! Still, I had a lot of fun and it is totally worth it.

 

I am thankful for another wonderful painting class and for the courage I find in me to try something so different and new, as easy as it sounds, it is not something I take for granted, since I know what it takes. I am thankful to my teacher for giving this class and to my friends from class for joining it; only the sum of all of us makes it the wonderful experience that it is. I am thankful to my friend for driving half an hour in each direction in the middle of the night just so we can spend few hours together; it was so interesting and so important. And as always, I am thankful I can go to sleep right now; I am so very tired.     

One More Hurdle Is Behind Me

Day 552 – I am practically done! I took the final test today and found out I studied just the right amount. This test covered things we cannot study for - how to plan a trip, rooming lists, what to do in case of… all things we covered during the course but you can’t really study for it. I am sure everyone passed it but no one probably got 100% right, because it is just common sense and paying attention to all the little details and experience which is something we all lack and will develop with time. After that we each gave a 5 minutes talk about something from our final project. This was the last requirement for the class before submitting the project. I talked about the genocide of the Cambodian people by the Khmer Rouge, a subject that keeps haunting me since I was first introduced to the magnitude of it and the details. And now that my routine work is done I have no more excuses to delay working on my final project. We have 2 months from next week to submit it but I want to finish it in less than a month. I am planning to fly out to visit my kids at the end of August and I want to finish this project before I leave. But as I said we have until the 30^th of September with no extensions, so this is my absolute final date. I am going to start tonight, just as I finish writing this blog to write at least the first paragraph in this project and will dedicate time every day now to write, until I am done with it.

 

I am thankful I finished the final test today. I am thankful for such a great time I had with all my friends; it is sad to see this class coming to its end and having to say goodbye to few of these new friends. I am thankful for all that I learned during the past 8 months; it is amazing to see how fast it passed. I am thankful I get to sit down now and do an honest to God good work on this final project; as I said several times before, I am planning to take this trip so I better know where I am going to the smallest and most mundane detail.  

My Final Test And I Don't Feel Like Studying For It

Day 551 – I have my final test tomorrow and for some reason I cannot make myself study. Suddenly I am so tired and I just don’t want to study I am almost coming to a halt when the finish line is at plain sight. I really don’t know why. Am I afraid that now that the class is over I will have no more excuses for not moving? Maybe this is the reason, I am not sure but it is for sure a very interesting phenomenon. Usually you get a second wind towards the end and here I have the opposite reaction. So I did go over it once and I’ll do it again tomorrow morning but I find it fascinating that I have to drag myself over the finish line instead of running full speed. Does it have anything to do with the new romance in my life? I don’t think so, he is on a business trip so totally not a disturbance; and even though I keep thinking of him a lot and he calls me every day it is still only few minutes of my time and not a reason for my stalling. I am just tired, so very tired, and I think it has to be mental tiredness since I slept a lot in the past few days. I need time off just to recuperate. I think it was a great idea not to continue with the other Tour Guides course. I need to rest and take my time; I need to recharge; I need to take time for myself with nothing to keep me busy. And right now I will have to master all my will power just to go through the test tomorrow; but I will do it and I'll do it well, because I don’t like doing a half-baked job.

      

I am thankful this course is almost done, I sure need the rest that will come after it’s over. I am thankful for a great time I had in this course; I really like every session we had, no matter what the subject was, but now I am thankful it is almost over. I am also thankful for every phone call and every message I get from him while away I was very worried about sustainability and it seems like we are both interested in keeping it and nourishing it. I am thankful I got to do my first round with my realtor, I even saw one apartment that I particularly liked, so I have to decide whether I am going to do anything about it or not. I am most thankful I can go to sleep now, I am so out of it right now... 

Saturday On The Beach

Day 550 – I woke up late this morning for an easy and slow Saturday. We went to the beach and spend a few hours there, enjoying to the fullest this warm and sunny day. This time I remembered to put on sun screen so I didn’t get sunburned. In the first year were came back I went to the beach almost every day but for some unknown reason I don’t do it as much anymore. I finish work and I go home instead of stopping at the beach for a sunset. Going there today after more than a month I didn’t made me realize I am giving up too many things I love for being busy. I have to make a shift in my priorities again and add sunsets and sunrise to my days; they will be so much better for including them. And I don’t even need a camera in my hand, I just need to open my heart and take the calm and the beauty in. I just need to bring this amazing creation into my life again. And I don’t have to give up anything for going to the beach; I can take my book or meet my guy on the beach instead of elsewhere. I just have to think about it and plan accordingly.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful and relaxed day; I feel fully charged for a new week. I am thankful for a wonderful day on the beach with the sun and the waves and the sand; with the wonderful company of my daughter. I am thankful I can start a new week all refreshed; I know I will need these reserves as the week progresses. I am thankful I get to readjust my priorities and add beach time to my schedule; I missed it for so many years while I live far away; I don’t want ever to take it for granted.

House Hunting

Day 549 – We are still in this very special mood of the two years anniversary. Today it is the two years mark of our landing here, which officially started that new chapter in our life. As time goes by and I am more set on my plans to stay here and make it home again, I am starting to make small changes, to take steps in that direction. Yesterday I made the biggest step so far – I contacted a realtor and told him I am looking to buy a house and asked him to work with me to find one. It sounds simple enough but it is actually the culmination of many hidden statements and decision –

·   I am staying here

·   I am ready to settle down

·   I choose this city as my hometown

·   I am ready to take such a huge commitment

I also had to know what size of a house I am looking for, how many rooms, in what neighborhood, what is my budget, what are my “must haves” and what are my “nice to have”. In short, I had to clarify the fog in my mind and get serious; I had to finally, after months I am looking on the internet without ever going to look at a house, make the move. And it is so symbolic it happened yesterday, totally with no thinking about the significance of the date. As it happened, two years, to the day, after leaving home I felt ready to start this new stage in my life. Today, while we were away for the day I got the first call from my realtor, he wanted me to see a very interesting property. Sadly I was not able to get back on time so I’ll do it on Sunday, but the wheels where put into motion, the house hunting have started.

   

I am thankful for having a day of celebration with my daughter commemorating our second anniversary here. I am thankful for friends we met today after months of not seeing them. I am thankful we bought today a sewing machine – another step in our domestication, of our settling down here. I am thankful for a very special phone call I got today. I am thankful most of all for mastering the courage to start the house hunting process; I am sure there will be ups and downs but I am so thankful I decided to jump on the wagon and start moving in that direction.

Second Year Anniversary

Day 548 – two years ago today I said my final goodbyes to the country that was my home for 22 years, to the town that I was my home-town for the past 14 years, to the man I called my husband for 31 years. Sadly I also said goodbye to my oldest daughter and to my son. I said all these heart breaking goodbyes and with my youngest daughter boarded the plane that took us here. I had no plan, no place to stay after the first three weeks, no work and almost no money; what I did have is a burning desire to rebuild my life on my own terms for better or worse. It’s been a real journey; I learned who I am and what I am made of. I found a place to live; I found work and most importantly a nice group of friends. I took so many classes and read so many books and hiked so many roads and learned to call this place home and fall in love with it. I learned to trust men again and even to get hurt and to come out of it and still be ok. And all this time my daughter was here taking her own first steps in this old new country of ours. She joined the army shortly after we moved here and by now she is almost done with her service. And these two years were such an amazing bonding experience for us. We got to know each other on a totally different level; at times we were the only close family for each other; a friendship forged by fire. And tonight she is here with me and we celebrate this very special date in our lives. We both look at it as the best decision we ever did. 

I am thankful I mastered the courage to go forward into the unknown. I am thankful I decided not to accept ‘bearable’ as a way of life. I am thankful that at an age people start to slow down and get comfortable I decided to uproot myself and start living. I am thankful to all the good people along the way who made these two years the wonderful experience it was. I am thankful for kindness, for friendships for a helping hand or supportive shoulder, or consoling hugs. I am thankful for people who taught me again how special I am, how special we all are. and most of all I am thankful to my daughter who became my best friend and my support system; for being the wonderful and loving young woman she is; I am so proud to be her mom.      

Respite

Day 547 – Life was a little intense in the past two weeks. With the excitement of this new man in my life I kind of lost the balance. I keep telling myself to slow down, that the intensity can burn the candle on both ends, but somehow, every day we find our way back to each other, spending as much time together as we can; ignoring logic and common sense; drown to the fire. Lucky for us, he is leaving tomorrow morning on a business trip so it will force us to take this time off, to recharge; we sure need that. I hope our relationship will survive this week away. It is all so new, and I still have the bitter taste of the outcome of the trip I took in the beginning of something I thought was very a promising relationship. But I should not try to compare one to the other and in any event, I have no control over the future, so whatever will be, will be. I know I gave it my best and if it will not survive, then it wasn’t meant to be. Still, I hold my fingers crossed and I wish him a safe trip, especially in light of the very disturbing news about the terrorist attack in Burgas earlier today. And as always, I was planning to go to sleep early, a surly needed thing, but somehow it is again 1 am and I am still awake; I have to do better than that tomorrow.

 

I am thankful for the past two weeks; I almost felt like a teenager and I have to admit it is invigorating and fun. I didn’t think at my age I can still feel and act like that, so I am very thankful for such a surprise shower in the middle of this heavy summer. I am thankful for a quiet week ahead of me, I need it so much; for my work, for my life to get back in order, for the test I should study for and didn’t yet… and I am so thankful every day for one more day of happiness, regardless of how tomorrow will be; today is wonderful and that’s what counts.     

Semi-Private Painting Lesson

Day 546 – last week we had our last painting lesson before summer break. For two months now we are to take time off. Three of us really didn’t like doing that and we asked our teacher if he will be willing to continue on a smaller scale during the summer and he agreed to that so today was the first of those very private lessons. They came to my house and it took us few minutes to decide about how to put our aisles and our paint tubes and brushes and he wanted to show us few very interesting works of a Canadian group of artist from the turn of the last century, just for some ideas and inspiration and then we started working. And it was absolutely wonderful. We love painting, and it does the same for all of us – this meditative quality of timelessness and being so much in the present all in the same time. We had good music, and we talked and joked and it was so wonderful and suddenly it was 9:30 pm and time for us to finish. The teacher left and we girls stayed and talked for a little longer and decided we might do it also just us, or ask him if he will give us private lessons even during the year. In short, instead of going into the slumber of summer vacation we are fully awake and elated. It was such a great idea to do that. I hope to make a real progress during this time. To start finding my own language, to get more comfortable with my techniques and to increase my ability to actually produce what I envisioned, to learn to think in colors and shapes to find in me the courage to try new things. I did it today, not sure I am thrilled with it so far but it is not done yet and more importantly, it is a step out of copy what I see around and a step in the direction of seeing with my heart’s eyes.

  

I am thankful for the idea to have private lessons with our teacher. I am thankful he agreed to take it on. I am thankful to my friends for coming here tonight and making this evening so very special;  I had such a great time.  

Decision Time

Day 545 – we had today our last real lesson in my Tour Directors course. Next week we have our final test and the week after is our last tour. Hard to believe but after 8 months this class is coming to its end. Some of the people are coming from other cities so it is also the last times we see each other, we all became friends during this period and it will be sad to say goodbye. And now I have to start thinking seriously of what do I do next. I took and passed the test for country tour guides so I can start the class in November but do I really want to do that? Isn’t this just a way for me to postpone my decision and not take action, something I am doing so well at times? What do I really want to do when I grow up and if I don’t know, isn’t it time to stop running just long enough to actually think? And if I take these classes not as a career but as a fun activity then aren’t there more interesting classes to take? Don’t I want to have a little free time and not fill every moment with structured activity? I can do so many things with the time and money I am going to invest in this class and these two resources are very limited in my life so I better use them as wisely as I can. I have one week to make my decision but when I raise all these questions I think the answer is pretty clear. I should at least look into few more options. True, I will know about my country more than I ever did but this cannot be the only reason to take a year and a half long class that will take away all my Fridays (my class time) and all my Tuesdays (our weekly tour day) and in between time to prepare for every tour and full time job that I’ll have to squeeze into 4 days, which means 10 hours a day. Even my current class, that is not so demanding, is packing my weeks full; do I really want this extra layer of business? I will look at the University for some Classes, just because I love studying, but I will also look into having a subscription to a theater troupe or a dance troupe instead; and more important of all I should start thinking what do I really want to do next and start taking steps in that direction. It is the right time for me to do just that. I am here for two years already; I know it is something I want to do for the rest of my life, so how do I want to see myself in 5 years? 10? 15? 20?  What do I want to do when I grow up?  Today I make my decision to stop running and start listening, to stop and take inventory; to stop and take action.

  

I am thankful for this wonderful class that opened before me new horizons and helped me make so many new friends. I am thankful for the opportunities this class opens for me; now I have to actually grab them. I am thankful for an amazing 8 months, for so many new things I learned. I am thankful I stumbled upon this class. I am also thankful that I am finally able to open my eyes and ask the real questions and not keep running blindly from one activity to the next. I am thankful for hesitations, for difficult decisions, for being alive thus debating. I am thankful for the junstions in my life.

Living In The Present

Day 544 – few days ago I wrote about this new man in my life and I said that it is scary. Reading back the entry I added a comment that it is a very interesting choice of words - why would I describe as scary something that is doing me a world of good? I kept thinking about that – why am I scared? Now that is a very interesting question indeed…

Every so often I write about living on the edge, of expanding my boundaries and I don’t just say that, I really do like it. I love this feeling of butterflies in my stomach, of learning to trust my abilities to handle the unknown. It’s thrilling, it’s where and when I feel fully alive. I trust my physical ability to be put to the test; I trust my mental strength to carry me further, even when my physical strength is exhausted – the perfect example is the marathon, but even for jumping out of an airplane, or traveling all alone to Greece I needed that strength, and I knew it will be there for me. I like testing these boundaries and I come stronger and so alive at the other end. But for some reason, apparently I don’t trust enough my emotional strength; I am so scared to get hit in this arena. As if emotional scars are more difficult to bear, as if testing my emotional boundaries will not produce the same results of being stronger and better for living through that. Instead of understanding that, I am digging my heels in the ground and almost backing off, running for cover. I actually did when we just met for the first time.  

So I take a step and stop, another step and I stop and all the while I keep thinking it is not real, it can’t last. And today I finally realized what it means – I don’t allow myself to fully live in the present. The present is perfect; it is only the future that is shrouded in clouds of the unknown. I look at this man and he is absolutely wonderful to me; I never had anyone who treated me this way, who told me these things, who made me feel the way he does and I am so hesitant to just allow myself to fall head over heels into it. I am so afraid just to immerse myself totally into this relationship without worries of what would come next. I keep telling myself the “what if” – what if in a week or two or three I will find out he is not, or he will decide I am not; what if I will allow myself to open my heart just to have it broken again… I gauge myself; I keep this little devil whispering in my ear “slow down, wait; let him take another step before you do…”

Don’t I want to live on this edge with butterflies in my stomach and just the knowledge that I can handle whatever comes my way, good or bad, but I want to actually BE there and fully experience it all? Don’t I want to be fully alive, to be fully present? Don’t I want this gift I was talking about for so long of someone special that our sum will be so much more than one plus one?

Yes, I can get hurt, and yes it will be hellish but I am strong and I can do that, and I will come out of it better for going through it. Right now, at this very moment, everything is wonderful and that’s what I should celebrate tonight. Whatever the future will bring, I will deal with it when it comes. But the present is the only place one can really live and if I don’t live this way, than I don’t do us justice, I don’t even give us a real chance. So today I let my head have the back seat; I take a big breath and I open my heart, fully enjoying every beat.

 

I am thankful for such a wonderful present. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for having this man in my life at this very moment. I am thankful I have butterflies in my stomach; it means I actually care. I am thankful that after months of emotional drought I see the tiny leaves of hope budding again; and I will do my very best to make them bloom.

A Very Special Concert

Day 543 – We went to a show of my favorite musician and singer, Mati Caspi; the one I wrote about his music a while back. It was everything I was hoping for and more. This was not a solo concert but a performance with another musician with whom he has a long history of musical collaboration, actually, this is the 40th anniversary of their original tour. It was interesting to see them both on stage – Mati Caspi is very reserved, the kind of guy who can tell the funniest jokes with straight face and the other guy, Shlomo Grunich is just the opposite, all bubbly and all over the place; big gestures, big show. They are both extremely talented and they play off each other so well. For someone that is a music lover this concert is a gem. And I sure am, we both are, and so it was sheer pleasure to be in the audience and witness two great talents so close and personal. The setting of a jazz club like appearance was perfect for this kind of performance and we had wonderful seats, very close to the stage. It makes the experience totally different, very personal. Few of the songs were so moving I got goose bumps all over and one even brought tears to my eyes. Unlike most songs now-a-days the words were all very deep, he is writing music to poems of the best poets in our country and the music is as deep and sometimes even haunting as the words. What can I say – I loved every moment of this amazing performance. It was a perfect evening; no other words can describe it. And last but not least – the company was so wonderful; I enjoy spending time with him, I really do, and it makes everything so very special. I have to remind myself everyday not to get too excited, to take a deep breath and slow down. What a wondeful place to be!  

 

I am thankful for such a great performance. I am thankful for the gift of music, for being able to appreciate it so much. I am thankful for a new place I learned about and will visit more often now. I am thankful for finally fully opening my eyes to the array of possibilities available here in my country, on a daily basis; I sure can't do it every day but I will start to do it more often. I am thankful for great company and so much fun. I am thankful, most of all, to my friend for inviting me to share these moments with him, for all his caring and attention; I am thankful we have met each other.     

A Dinner For Two

Day 542 – I love cooking. I used to cook every day and not for a few days and not to freeze it for future use. I just loved cooking and did it almost every day for 30 years. And then I left home and moved here, and even that changed.  Most of the time I am alone here and I eat hot lunch at work and I don’t like to eat heavy meals at night and so, my new reality changed even the most basic stuff. I am not complaining, simply stating. And by now I got so used to not cooking that even when my daughter is here I usually don’t cook; we just go out. Since I moved here we had only once someone invited to dinner here with us and it was a very long time ago. And so yesterday morning talking to the guy I am seeing right now I suddenly felt like inviting him for dinner, so I did. I checked few things about likes and don’ts, eat and not to make sure I will not cook something he won’t be able to enjoy and here you go. I cook very differently than what people eat here; I lived abroad for many years and I developed a different taste. He said something about simple when I asked the clarification questions and I told him I don’t cook simple, I cook very complex food; I love that. We were planning to go later at night to a dance as well, so a perfect evening was ahead of us. It’s very interesting to cook for someone I just met, because I keep thinking of him and how he would feel about this or that; when I cook for my family – I know. When I cooked for friends I trust my skills and I care less anyway. But here it was more important than friends and really unknown; a very different experience. But I have to admit I really miss cooking and I really enjoyed it; all the little details like setting the table and decorating it, all good things. As we get older, our children are not home anymore and if we also separated from our spouses then Friday night dinners are time that we feel alone the most, because in our culture, Friday night was always a family gathering time, a festive dinner; and the contrast is striking. So this dinner was special on so many levels and I had a great time. It was interesting to see someone learn a whole new pallet of tastes; eat something totally unfamiliar; but he enjoyed it and we had a great time. It’s nice to be able to do something special for someone who does so much for me, who shows me in so many ways how much he cares; scary, but nice. Now the question is how can I put great evening and scary in the same sentence; but this is something for a new entry; today I am celebrating the small things - good food, a glass of wine, a smile...

  

I am thankful I had this idea to invite him for dinner. I am thankful he was open to the idea and it didn’t chase him away. I am thankful for a great evening we spent together. I am thankful for this budding relationship that is doing me a world of good; opening my heart. I am thankful for this elated feeling that is the beginning of something new; I am trying to embrace it all and not to run for cover. I know that only by risking failure I can also find happiness, so I am thankful for finding in me the courage to try.

The First Ray Of Light

Day 541 – after months of not feeling well all the time I convinced my daughter to see a specialist in our hospital. A short exam and a short description of her symptoms gave him enough information to pin point where he thinks the problem lies. Since she is in the army and not really a master of her free time, it took a week for her to come back for the first procedure he ordered for her. It’s invasive and a little scary when one considers the outcome and the implications, but on the other hand, no matter what the test shows, at least we have the beginning of a direction to pursue. It is very difficult to deal with the unknown, there’s no way to treat something you don’t know what it is; at best you can treat the symptoms. So today, after waiting a few hours and under heavy sedation they did the test and took few biopsies for further investigations and found, as we hoped the first light in this heavy darkness. When the doctor told my daughter his findings tears welled in her eyes, but not out of sadness but of relief. After months she has the first proof she is not imagining things, like it was hinted, but something is really not the way it should and they are going to start checking why. The most difficult thing when you have something out of the ordinary is that people are starting to question you; when you keep complaining you don’t feel well but all the tests they run come back normal. Are you imagining things, do they have to send you to a psychiater instead of keep poking you. So it was a very emotional moment. And now we have a plan of action, the first step in the long way, but as we know the first step is what sets the wheels in motion and today we celebrate that, regardless of what future tests will show as to the source of it all.

  

I am thankful my daughter was desperate enough to fight for her right to see a civilian specialist and not an army one. I am thankful that I work in this hospital as to enable my daughter to get to this great doctor. I am thankful for a wonderful day we spent together, even if part of it was in the hospital; we are so good, we can even make a hospital stay into a party. But most of all I am thankful that after months of wondering in the dark the first ray of light appeared. 

A Night At The Opera

Day 540 – another call from the same friend a day later – do I want to go to the opera? But I have to make a decision on the spot since they are holding the tickets for only 20 minutes. I don’t need 20 minutes to decide about Rigoletto, especially since the last opera I saw was more than two years ago and I LOVE opera, so all other plans I had for the evening where immediately scratched. So two nights in a raw I was going to an evening of intense cultural quality. I have to be careful not to overdo it. I sure cannot afford to do it on a regular basis, nor does it make sense. But when the opportune presents itself you just have to seize it. I was a little rushed since I had my reflexology right after work and I made it home two minutes before he had to pick me up already, but 15 minutes later showered, dressed and even with make-up we were on our way to a wonderful evening of the highest quality. I am not going to write here the story of Rigoletto, go and read it if you are not familiar with it, go and see it is an even better suggestion; I will only say the staging was very interesting and the singing beautiful and captivating. It is the first time I see an opera here in my country and I can assure you it is of a very high quality which made me very happy. So a wonderful night - going out, which is nice by itself, and to an opera that makes it absolutely amazing, in a beautiful place and the best of company what else can I ask for? I am so very happy for this opportunity to be spontaneous to the very core and the great rewards it brings to those who do it. [BTW - Sorry for the late posting - it totally slipped my mind; first time in 540 days, I forgot to write my blog at night] 

   

I am thankful to my friend who was so kind as to include me in his plans. I am thankful for an amazing evening like no other. I am thankful for all the wonderful things in my life, for experiences I never had before, for being so alive. I am thankful for a wonderful opera, the first one I got to see in my country, and I just loved it! I am thankful, most of all for this budding relationship that fills me with so much joy and tenderness, with so much happiness.

A Dance Troupe Show

Day 539 – I got a call from a friend today asking if I want to go to a performance of the best dance troupe in our country. I hesitated for a minute or so not because I didn’t like the idea of going out in the middle of the week but because I have not seen a dance show in years and I thought it might be over my head. But then I thought why not? I like the guy, I like the spontaneity of the offer and I am always open for new things and if it is understood I am trying but not sure if I’ll like it then why not?! So this is exactly what we did. He picked me up and we drove an hour away to Tel Aviv and it was so much better than I hoped for. It’s modern dance and it was so beautiful and after a few minutes I stopped thinking and just allowed it all to sink in just the visual experience and the emotional one. So I am not good at deciphering what they are trying to convey, reading the statement but even without that it was a very special experience. Later we went to a restaurant for a late night snack and then drove back home. It’s very late now and I have to be at work early tomorrow since I have reflexology in the afternoon so I have to leave work early and for sure I am not going get enough sleep, but it was totally worth it. I had such a fun evening and I pushed my boundaries a little, I did something I was not sure I am comfortable with and it was wonderful.

  

I am thankful to my friend for asking me to join him; we keep dancing around each other for a while now and I am happy he did pick up the phone and called. I am thankful I decided to say yes; I was a little reluctant because I know he watched a lot of dance shows and I was afraid I will not like it and make him feel bad about this outing. I am thankful I found in me the love and appreciation for this art form. I am thankful for such a great evening I had so much fun!!    

New Horizons

Day 538 – We had an amazing class today; detailed day by day trips to India, Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia. At the end of the class I felt I am ready to leave everything right now and just go there to spend a year between all these amazing places. I came home and seriously checked for a few hours the possibility to switch my project to Vietnam but after looking again into all the extra work it will require I decided to stay with my original plan to create a trip to Cambodia and after I’ll finish it I will create a trip to Vietnam as well. But I already decided on my planned I am doing a combined trip to both countries and my main focus will be Vietnam and not Cambodia. It is such a beautiful country that one can spend 2-3 weeks only there. I want to go to all these countries but I will have to do it one (or two) at a time. I also have to think about making money and not only spending it so I will have to find a way to make a living traveling, just as I originally planned when I decided to take this course. So the next few weeks I will have to start looking into that. If I am traveling to Cambodia and Vietnam around November I will be able to take a group there a month or two later. And just as I see it in my work I can always keep it fresh and interesting by going to different places every time or looking at the same thing from a new angle. But I know by now that I really like traveling here and abroad and I like sharing this love with people. One more piece of good news – I went yesterday for an interview as part of my application to join the course for local tour guides and today I got the phone call I was accepted. The truth is, I knew I did even before she called me. I could feel they liked the way I did it and responded well to me and to the interview in general, but I was very happy about this call. The class will start at the end of November, just as I come back from my trip. It will keep me busy for a while.

  

I am thankful for an amazing class today. I am thankful for new horizons open before my very eyes. I am thankful I can keep dreaming and planning and have this burning desire in me to learn and develop. I am thankful for being accepted to the Israel tour guides course.  

Celebrating Life

Day 537 – I finished my painting in our last session and I started thinking about my next one. I am going to paint naked women for a while now. First because I love nude pictures and I want to get good at it and I can do that only by painting many such pictures to get the feel for it. So I did a search on Google pictures and as I was looking through the photographs I came upon one of a naked pregnant woman and it was so beautiful that I changed the subject and search for “nude maternity” and I found so many beautiful pictures. What I like most of all is how society is changing its view about that. Years ago, when our parents where young and expecting, a woman in this “condition” was supposed to stay home. When our generation reached the stage of parenting it was already much better. Woman could do anything they wanted, and we felt we had it all. But looking at this generation I see how much we still didn’t have. Now women are celebrating their pregnancy. A woman can wear a bikini and show her very pregnant belly and it is totally acceptable. It sure was not in our time. it culminated in these nude photos; what it suggest is that it is not only OK but it is actually considered pretty. I look at these photos and it really is so pretty, but I sure did not see myself as pretty or sexy when I was at the late stages of my pregnancy. I am so happy to see these concepts changing and I am sure it will reward this generation nicely for putting pregnancy back on the pedestal, where it belongs. For allowing this celebration of life as it forms.

  

I am thankful I live to see this very important change taking main stage in our society. I am thankful for the place in the limelight pregnancy gets. I am thankful for celebration of life in all its stages and forms. I am especially thankful for this amazing photograph I found by Grace Light Photography, it is sheer magic; I will try to draw this, I don’t know if I can.     

An Oasis

Day 536 – When we woke up this morning and realized that at 7am it was over 100 degrees outside with no breeze at all we almost chickened out and gave up the idea of hiking. But luckily, we didn’t and it was an amazing day. Imagine walking in a real desert burning hot and only brown and yellow all around you and suddenly inside a deep ravine hidden from sight we hear the sweet sound of running water. We walked a little further and got the first glimpse of this miracle. And it only got better and better. There where deep pools so deep we couldn’t stand there; there were water falls, so strong it actually hurt to stand in them. There were animals - birds and insects and many mammals; there were pools full of moss and ferns. It is a real oasis, it felt like a miracle to find all this bounty in such a desolated place. And you have to be crazy like us and hike there in the middle of the summer, in sweltering heat, in order to fully appreciate this place.

  

I am so thankful to have this great group of friends we can hike together and have fun. I am thankful we didn’t change our plans even when everything was telling us we should. I am thankful for an amazing day; for such an amazing weekend.     

A Weekend Long Trip

Day 535 – When we woke up this morning and realized that at 7am it was over 100 degrees outside with no breeze at all we almost chickened out and gave up the idea of hiking. But luckily, we didn’t and it was an amazing day. Imagine walking in a real desert burning hot and only brown and yellow all around you and suddenly inside a deep ravine hidden from sight we hear the sweet sound of running water. We walked a little further and got the first glimpse of this miracle. And it only got better and better. There where deep pools so deep we couldn’t stand there; there were water falls, so strong it actually hurt to stand in them. There were animals - birds and insects and many mammals; there were pools full of moss and ferns. It is a real oasis, it felt like a miracle to find all this bounty in such a desolated place. And you have to be crazy like us and hike there in the middle of the summer in order to fully appreciate this place.

  

I am so thankful to have this great group of friends we can hike together and have fun. I am thankful we didn’t change our plans even when everything was telling us we should. I am thankful for an amazing day; such an amazing weekend.