Hiking With My Hiking Group Again

Day 529 – after a long absence I joined my hiking group again today for a hike into a cave we did last year. This is a very technical climb and very challenging because of the slippery ground and the very tight and difficult maneuver in the cave. Thanks to the fact we did this trip last year, we knew we should take a rope with us which made some of the more difficult spots a little more manageable and less dangerous, but it is still a very challenging climb and not for everyone. After 3 hours in the cave we climbed out into a very hot day so we continued our day in a 3 hours rafting trip on one of the rivers not far from there. It’s my first rafting here in my country and I was pleasantly surprised. And we had so much fun; take a group of adults, put them in a raft in the middle of a river and see how they all become children again and having so much fun doing it. So I am writing now and my arms and shoulders muscles are sore but it was so much fun. I didn’t hike with my group in the past two months, like so many other things I didn’t do, and it is so good to be back and fully enjoy life again; having other things in my life and not only work.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful day in nature, hiking with my friends. I am thankful for my first rafting trip here in my country. I am thankful for new friends I met today. I am thankful for a day that continued with a guided tour in Tel Aviv following the footsteps of some famous female poets for my friend’s 50^th birthday. I am thankful for a family meeting after a long time I didn’t see any of them. I am thankful for a wonderful day.           

About Change and Personal Happiness

Day 528 – I just finished reading a book called A Brief History of Mankind and came across a very interesting statement – each person has a personal “happiness capability”. Some people no matter how many wonderful things happened in their life will not dwell in the 8-9 area and on the other end some people no matter how bad things are will not dwell in the 2-3 side of the scale. Both characters might have a temporary spike to these numbers but will get back to their more gloomy or more cheerful attitude regardless of the external situation very fast. So the obvious question is – if we have an inherent capability for happiness or lack-there-of then our constant search for happiness, something that is really pushed by our current views of “the personal right for happiness and fulfillment”, is futile. We might have a temporary change but at the end of the day we will end up in the very same type of mood as we were before. So is change worth it at all? 

I was thinking about it a lot today, after reading this statement and yes, there are self-help books who say exactly that – don’t fight your reality but learn to accept and you’ll be much happier. But my conclusion is different. yes, I belong to the more cheery crowd, I am not a 10 kind of person but definitely an 8, but I think that while it’s true that I will probably end up in the same area of the scale, I prefer to be in a less stressful or oppressing external situation. I am doing a project on Cambodia right now and I was thinking about the statement with that in mind; I am sure everyone will prefer to be a gloomy person in a free country that a gloomy person in Cambodia during the Khmer Rouge era. So while my personal happiness ability might not change there is a great importance to what happens in my life; change can be a good thing even if eventually we will end up more or less on the same place on the happiness scale.

 

I am thankful for this very interesting and intriguing book I finally finished reading; so many of its pages are highlighted by now, and require serious pondering, just like the statement I mentioned above. I am thankful for few hours I got to spend on the beach reading – it was so much fun. I am thankful for a beautiful sunset, I didn’t get to see any lately and I am so thankful to be back in the game. I am thankful for an evening of research, starting to get back to my project; it is due in less than a month and I really have to start working on it.       

Back to the Drawing Board

Day 527 – it was a very busy month and my art teacher was away so for the past month I didn’t touch a brush. I had a painting I started in the last class but didn’t finish it and for a whole month it was looking at me 9or rather I was looking at it) thinking how to go about this unfinished painting that I could also see a huge error I was not sure I could fix. So finally today came the big moment, my teacher was back. He did have a sub for the period he was away, but I tried it last time and it didn’t work for me so today was very special. We all came back, and the class was wonderful. And it seems we might be able to convince our teacher to keep the class going through the summer and not take a summer break. i decided I want to draw a naked woman picture and going through pictures on the internet I came across a Picasso painting from his blue period that I really love so I decided to draw it. Last time I did the blue background and the outline of the woman. Today I didn’t even bring a photo of this picture since I wanted to take it to where ever I want. I wanted it to have something of me also, to put in some personal flavor and not only to be a copy. So of course, there is no doubt it is a copy of the Picasso picture, but a free style copy and I am very happy with the outcome and already hung it on my wall.

  

I am thankful for a great day where I got to spend time with my daughter before she left for a weekend with her friends. I am thankful for my creative writing class that ended today and will resume after the summer break. I am thankful most of all for a great drawing class; for being again with the most wonderful experience of all. I am thankful for the joy I draw from this creative process, for friendships forged during the time we spend together. I am thankful to be back with a brush in my hand and a song in my heart and on my lips; I am so very thankful for this class!!

The Little Flowers on the Side of the Road

Day 526 – I am sitting here thinking what can I write today. The truth is, not everyday something exciting happens. And not every day I can say I am thankful for my routine. But what is life really all about? It’s a lot of small moments of routine, moments we don’t appreciate as we live through them, but we terribly miss when something bad happens and throws us off course. And my routine today included a phone call to my parents my children and a friend; a time spent in a café with my ex and my daughter and feeling OK about it, even happy. It’s had a visit to my mother in law, a full working day that was well done. And it ended in evening with my daughter watching a movie at home on her laptop. All this in one day and my first inclination was to write “nothing happened today”. I cannot believe how a thought like that even crossed my mind, how I did not see, even if for just one moment, how lucky I am, how blessed. So I am sitting humbly here and acknowledging the fact that I am as lucky as one can be to have a great group of friends, to have a job I really like, and most of all to have a great family. And even when I separated from my husband of 31 years after a short time we had to process our feelings and disappointment we can be friends again and enjoy each other’s company. I think it makes it easier for everyone including ourselves. So looking back at my day, I had an awesome one and I want to be able to appreciate it in real time and not only in times of chaos. This was the reason for starting this blog in the first place. So I did a full circle and here I am again at point zero; I am practicing again looking and seeing the beauty in the simple things in life, in the routine and the mundane; I don’t need the drum rolls and the big dramas. I am going for the simple stuff; for the little flowers on the side of the road.

  

I am thankful for an awesome day. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful to be able to reset my scope every once in a while and refocus on the real things, on the best things in life. I am thankful for every day that is simple and quiet and so very satisfying. I am thankful I can take a shower, put on clean clothes and kiss my daughter before I close my eyes for the night. I am thankful I can go to sleep with no real worries, and a good chance for waking up tomorrow to another such a day.            

CPR Training, Again

Day 525 – about a month ago I took a CPR class as part of my tour directors training. I learned a lot, since I knew very little about it, but I didn’t think I am prepared enough. Since one of my friends is in charge of all the subject of CPR training in our hospital, I asked her if I can join the next class she is giving. And today was the day. so I am happy to report the following: I am now certified, again, to give CPR (with the hope it will never come); I was right and the training I took last time was not to par with what I got today; giving CPR is a hard job. We each had to do a two minute compressions of the chest to the mannequin and it feels like eternity; by the end of the two minutes I could feel that I am doing less than perfect job, that my compressions are not as deep and I could see that others suffered from the same problem. The whole idea of CPR is to artificially circulate the blood until we can use the defibrillator and until professional help arrives. In the event of cardiac arrest it can mean the difference between life and death for the person. After hearing the odds of using CPR on a patient or not I am convinced that everyone has to learn how to perform it, and how to use a defibrillator (AED) and practice it at least once a year. This is what I am planning to do from now on. I am also going to convince everyone I know to take the training; it is our duty as citizens in a society, really.     

  

I am thankful I decided to take the CPR training again; I got better training and I feel much more confident about my ability to react in real life situation. I am thankful to my friend for giving a very interesting and intense CPR class. I am thankful to the management of our hospital who are encouraging all of us to take the class. 

The Promise

Day 524 – We have one month left until we graduate from the Tour Directors Course and so the prospects of starting to look for a job are becoming more real with every passing day. Today we had a four hours presentation about France from an amazing 93 years old man who holds the highest possible French certificate as a Tour Guide and it was very interesting indeed. I learned a lot of things I didn’t know and I want to travel now to all these places he talked about. I gave him a ride to the bus station and mentioned I have a license as an American tour director and I should probably start looking for a job with one of the companies, not a full time job of course, just as a supplement and some fun. When I came home and opened my mail I found a mail that a company in the States is looking for a tour director here in Israel with extensive knowledge of the country. I immediately mailed them back and I hope something will come out of it – it can be so cool!! and regardless of the outcome, I have to start sending letters to all the companies I know to look for a job as a TD for a trip here or to Europe. It’s easy for me and it’s something I really want to start building. And when I updated my resume I realized that so much of what I did in the past two years is actually a hospitality industry job and it really qualifies me as an experienced TD. I feel comfortable in stressful situations and I can handle hundreds of little details without dropping the balls; I actually strive in these situations.

 

I am thankful for a very interesting class today about France. I am thankful for that email I found in my mail box just as I declared I am ready to make my move. I am thankful for my job; it is so much fun and so varied and all the things I did in the past few months really give me the experience I needed. I am thankful for opportunities opened for me if I only dare to dream big. I am thankful for the promise waiting for me just behind the river bend.

Going to the Theater

Day 523 – I went to see a show tonight at the local theater. I had tickets for a different show last week but had to cancel because we were at the ER the whole weekend and so I was very happy when we were offered tickets at work for another show this afternoon. I ordered two tickets but none of my friends was available on such a short notice so I went alone. I have to admit the show was not something to write home about, or blog about, but the experience was great. I enjoyed going to the theater, I sure don’t do it enough; this is only the 4^th show I attended since moving here. I love theater and it’s a very special experience that I really enjoyed and I will keep going to as many shows as I can. It’s not that the acting was bad it’s just a weird story, so some people will like it and some don’t; but if I don’t go I can’t find good shows as well.
And one more time - Happy birthday to my daughter!!  

 

I am thankful for a ticket I got for free to see a show. I am thankful I went on such a short notice (4 hours!). I am thankful I have so many friends I can call and see if they can join me for a show, even if no one could. I am thankful for an evening of culture and fun. 

A Special Birthday

Day 522 – I decorated the house and cleaned it and I even went shopping for some food and my daughter was still asleep. By 1:30pm I decided to wake her up before the whole day will be gone. Later we went out with my ex and two of his friends to celebrate her birthday again, and it was really nice and a lot of fun. It is really far away from where he lives right now and he is really making an effort to be here for the important things in her life and it makes me very happy.  I wish I could do the same for my son and my older daughter, but I don’t have the same flexibility at work and I travel on my own dime and not on companies budget, so I can’t do it as often, so he is definitely doing a better job right now in being in everyone’s life. I am very happy for him and for my daughter, less happy for me for not being able to do the same. But I will try to do a better job, and as I said few days ago, I am planning to travel for a visit next month; I can’t wait to see them as well as their partners and children, it’s been way too long. But most of all today is about my daughter’s 20^th birthday – Happy birthday, my love. This is such a special Birthday.  

  

I am thankful for another birthday we celebrated together, and a very special one indeed. I am thankful we got to celebrate it the three of us together; it’s so nice we can do it even though we are not together anymore. I am thankful for a wonderful weekend I got to spend with my daughter.

A Private Party

Day 521 –I was very tired for some reason, so at 9pm when my daughter went out with her friends I decided to take a little nap before deciding what am I going to do in the evening. I slept through the alarm I set and woke up 9 hours later! Well, I guess I was really tired. So no need to decide what to do in the evening – it’s long gone. What I still have in front of me is to decorate the house for my daughter’s birthday. So maybe it’s good I slept before. Now she is asleep and I am wide awake.

Earlier today we went to a restaurant she likes to celebrate her birthday. The real date is Sunday but she’ll be back in the army and today her father comes to visit so we decided to have a little party of our own, just the two of us. Now after we did that all the other parties can start. We already did our little private event. For years her birthday was an event celebrated over several days. The reason was that school ended before so we did an early celebration in class about two weeks ahead of time and then the parties went on with each one of the family members as they become available, since, for some reason they could never make it all for the real date. The core was always my daughter and I we were in all the events and we’ve always been there on the real date. And so our own little thing is the real tradition and the one we are most careful to keep, especially with such a significant birthday such as the one we are celebrating now, her 20^th.

  

I am thankful I am here every day and can be in all the important events in her life. I am thankful we are such good friends after two years we are here, much more than we ever were and in a very different way. I am thankful we had our little party just the two of us and especially on a difficult time like now. I am thankful I was had such a long ‘nap’; I sure feel less tired now. I am thankful that I can decorate the house while my daughter is a sleep; it’s a special birthday and I want to make her feel that.  

A Different Thursday Night

Day 520 – I am back home after two days away, and, as always, I am so happy to be back. we worked really long hours and its very tiring but also very satisfying; but I am so happy it’s over. I arrive at 10:30 at night and my daughter was here so we had a very long talk and now I am getting ready to sleep. I am so very tired; but I will not go to sleep before filing my blog, or before taking a shower. It’s been a very long week and I am so happy to be at the other end of it and at home again. but it is also a serious routine breaker. I guess that what we need is a combination of both – a routine that I’ll miss and what to get back to and some events that will break it; that I’ll work my butt off to accomplish, will be happy when it ends and even as I go through the motions to be able to realize how much I love the fact that I have these events; they give power and color to my days, to my life.

 

I am thankful for the interesting job I have. I am thankful for this unique opportunity to represent my hospital and in the same meet people, and have fun with my colleagues. I am thankful to be back home, to be able to spend quality time with my daughter. And now I am also thankful for I am done writing and I can go to sleep.

A Fun Night

Day 519 - I am in The President's conference in Jerusalem for the second day; yesterday they had Kisinger and Tony Blair - a very special event indeed. Today is the second day and it was interesting but not as much as yesterday. At the end of the day there was a party for some of the conference delegates and our guys arranged invitations for the four of us and we went there. And that was so much fun!! It was a "battle of the bands" and after that we continues with dancing for another hour. I sure did not expect that when traveling on a business trip. A very nice surprise! We came back to the hotel tired but very happy and it is also very important as team building exercise. We get to know a very different side of us. It is the first time I'm on something like that and I really like the idea.


I am thankful for another day we got to spend another day here at the conference. I am thankful for a fun evening with my friends. I am thankful for a clubbing night - it was so much fun. I am thankful this is the job I have, I see myself as so lucky for that.

A College Graduate

Day 518 - Two days ago my son graduated from college. This is always a big deal, but for him it was even more so. He is a very smart young man, but patience is not one of the things he pride himself for. Patience when he faces ignorance or go by the rules kind of policy is even less possible for him to practice. He likes to study what he thinks is important and not what someone else demands of him. In short it was very challenging and for a while it looked like he won't make it, but with time he learned to tame the beast. He learned that it is not necessary to express every opinion, he learned how to work the system in order to stay in school and graduate. I am very proud he did it. I am very happy he was able to control the inner voice advocating to drop-out; that he learned to delay some satisfactions and finish school, for this piece of paper, for what it represents, for the doors it will open for him, higher salary, opportunities. And the question about compromise, about selling one's soul are all valid and I don't have a good answer, but I feel it's the right thing to do. Give in just enough to get out. For my son it was a very valuable lesson for life; and two days ago he graduated. Look at this piece of paper as "getting out of jail" ticket I told him, you won back your life.


I am thankful my son finally graduated; he hated it but finished anyway and for that I am very proud of him. I am thankful he got his freedom back. I am thankful for lessons learned, for opportunities presenting themselves. I am thankful for a dream turned a reality.

An Early Celebration

Day 517 – I was planning to give my daughter for her 20^th birthday next week a pampering day – massage and facial and few more things but after our weekend ordeal I decided not to wait and do it today. So we both went to a salt-room and spend an hour there and then got the massage and the facial and it was so wonderful, exactly the antidote to such stressful time. a total relaxation and a real feeling of pampering. We concluded the evening with a good restaurant where we set for over two hours and just talked and had a great time. It is hard for me to grasp the fact that she is twenty, but on the other hand I see her mature before my very eyes and it is wonderful. Twenty is such an important birthday it is the time you officially make the shift from adolescence to adulthood, to the decade in which the biggest decisions are being made – job, spouse, children (hopefully in this order). So we celebrated all that today and had a wonderful time. Living here I miss all the important dates in the lives of my older kids and I have to learn to accept that as well. The good and the bad – it’s always a mixed bag.

 

I am thankful I got to celebrate the birthday of my youngest daughter a week ahead of time, just the two of us. I am thankful I got this special day all planned out; it could not come in a better time. I am thankful for an amazing conversation, for things that opened my eyes to look at my history in a very different way, not only her future. I am thankful for all my friends who called all weekend and in the past few days to check on my daughter; it makes me feel so good to know I have friends who really care and are here to help if I need I had none of them two years ago when we moved here. And most of all I am thankful for an amazing daughter; I am the luckiest mother on earth for having her.

Back To My Blessed Routine

Day 516 – This morning my daughter was released from the hospital. After 37 hours at the ER we were both exhausted so we slept for a few hours and at the evening, after the second round of very strong antibiotics she was feeling good enough to have a 2 hours outing. Not anything crazy, but it is a big step; yesterday I had to wheel her around in a wheel chair, she was too weak to walk more than a few steps at a time. We are still taking it very slowly and she got few days off before having to go back to her unit, so she can hopefully get better and strong enough. But as always, when life taking a bad turn we learn to appreciate so much more the little things that are the scaffolds of our life, the routine that is beneath it all and give all the delicate fabric of life its full strength. Our routine, our daily activities that we are never thankful for them again, this is what we crave the most when in the midst of chaos. Just an hour at home doing nothing, or cooking or taking a shower. We are both so happy to be back to all these wonderful things that make our lives the wonderful thing they are.

 

I am thankful to be back home. I am thankful for two loads of clothes I got to wash and hang to dry. I am thankful for food shopping I did today, for home cooked food. I am thankful for being able to sleep in my bed this morning, to be able to sleep in any bed after two days in a hospital chair near my daughter’s bed. I am thankful for a long shower, for clean clothes. I am thankful to be back to my wonderfully simple routine; I missed it so much.

Second Day At The Hospital

Day 515– It’s our second night in the hospital. And I am so tired, I didn’t sleep much last night and I hope it will be better tonight. They ran a lot of tests and we experienced a lot of frustration (ER is a place where they test your patience to the limit)and at the end they are still not sure what it was, but some alarming results came in so they will re-test tomorrow morning. I still hope it will change, that the diagnosis is not what it looks like right now. This is a very, very short entry. We got out to take a shower and change clothes and then go back. And I need some sleep I won’t make it through another day without sleep.
    
I am thankful they decided to keep my daughter here for one more night and run the necessary tests, this way we’ll know for sure one way or another. I am thankful I got to spend the day with my daughter, be with her at this difficult junction. I am thankful she doesn’t need surgery.

A Night At The Hospital

Day 514 - my daughter had very high fever and was in a lot of pain so instead of going to the dance like I planned or spending time with friends like she planned to do we went to the ER and we are still here 9 hours later. They are going to keep her here overnight for observations. So not exactly our idea of a Friday night fun but I am happy she is here or I'll be worried sick is it an appendix about to burst. And right now she is asleep and her fever went down so I hope it will stay this way and she'll be released in the morning.


I am thankful we have good medicine on our side and we can be safe at the hands of the wonderful men and women working here. I am thankful she is feeling a little better. I am thankful that in our country all people rich and poor are covered by healthcare insurance; I don't even want to think of what it is like to live without that; this is one of the reasons I didn't stay over there, I knew I couldn't afford it.

A Day of Celebrations

Day 513 – One of my colleagues celebrated her 40^th birthday today, so we all took her to lunch in a local restaurant and it was a lot of fun. We decided we have to do it more often. In the afternoon, before leaving work we all went to visit another one of our colleagues who gave birth this morning to a beautiful baby boy. And when I arrived at my creative writing class I found out it is the 80^th birthday of one of our group members. So in one day in a matter of few hours I celebrated the birth of a baby, the 40^th and the 80^th birthdays – what a special day! The funny thing is that the newly 40 years old told me yesterday that she doesn’t know anyone who has the same birthday. I guess that’s just not true anymore. The cool thing about living in our generation is that you can be 80 years old and still be very active, be able to do so many things, and have plans for many years to come. I wish for myself to arrive to this age in the same wonderful shape as my friend; to be full of life and optimistic; to celebrate life to the fullest.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful day with plenty of laughter and joy. I am thankful for all the celebrations we had today. I am thankful for friendships I forge here, for people I meet, life I touch. I am thankful for such a special day.

A Golden Cage

Day 512 – I made the commitment to start working on my final project, but not today. I have a creative writing class tomorrow and could not delay it any longer. I wrote about my friend who committed suicide almost four years ago and her story helped me to summon the courage and the strength to change my life. I realized that if I don’t want to live my life like a wild bird kept in a golden cage it is up to me to open the doors of my prison and soar to the sky. It took me almost two years of preparations but I did it. It was not an easy piece to write and I am not sure yet how much I like it but the idea was good and it is something I wanted to say for a long time, a farewell letter to a dead friend. I hope I will never fully understand the depth of depression, the total despair at the bottom of it. Her death made me realize how lonely one can be surrounded with all things money can buy and feel so trapped that you can’t see a way out. I hope I’ll never understand that and I am so sad for my friend who was in such a bad place behind all the masks and the show-off. I said today one more time thank you to my friend; for her death forced me to make my move and win back my life. it does not, however, make it any easier to accept her choice.

 

I am thankful I found a way to thank my friend for her great influence on my life. I am thankful for the friends in my life and for their willingness to listen and not let me be. I am thankful I have friends I know will come to the rescue if I ever feel the need to lean on a supportive shoulder, if I need a hug.    

My Final Project

Day 511 – I am going to finish my class in a month and my project is due no later than a month after that, so it is time to start working on it again. it has to be very detailed and with extensive research. It also has to cover a two weeks trip. I gave myself few days to rest after the crazy work I had in the past months but today also marks the turning point and from now on I will start working on my project. I will start collecting information about specific subjects and will try to do a subject per week, I think this will be both not too much and yet sufficient to get to the dead line without a terrible rush. I am starting with art and will take it from there. Again and again from every aspect I read I come back to the Khmer Rouge era and the atrocities they have done to their people. I am sure that the arts will reflect it as well. it is a terrible story to tell but there is also a story of rising from the ashes and the attempts to rebuild the country and I will cover both. But today I just took the first step in this final project for my class. I can’t believe it is almost over!

 

I am thankful for the few days of recovery I did before jumping into the next time consuming activity. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn something new about a beautiful country and people that I want to visit later on. I am thankful for finding something so challenging and interesting as this wonderful course I am taking, for friends and for knowledge I gained in the past 8 months.

Greek Mythology Class

Day 510 – We had a lecture today about Greek mythology and it was so interesting. We learned about the main Greek Gods and their attributes, how they are symbolized in art. We learned how much the influence is still permeating through our lives to this day; how expressions and symbols and literature are still influenced by something written and believed more than 2000 years ago. It was interesting thing to discover that so many artists even hundred years ago painted Greek mythology themes, theater shows and even the famous book Harry Potter has many references to creatures of that origin. What was especially interesting for me is how a guy takes such an academic subject as this and turns it into a thriving business. He wrote two books and the third one is in print right now, he is giving lectures all over the country and he is conducting trips were he is the tour guide explaining art and architecture and culture. I loved it how he shamelessly promoted his business during the class. Years ago I had a long discussion with my son saying you have to learn what you love and how to make money with it is up to you and here we had this guy – a living proof that even from such an unimportant and totally academic subject to most people one with an entrepreneur mind can create a business. I have to tell my son about this – he will love it. And of course it makes me think how can I turn my hobbies into an income source and free myself from the 9-5 office routine. The picture attached here is part of a sculpture by Bernini called “the rape (kidnaping) of Proserpina”, one of the most amazing pieces of art ever created – it is made of marble and it looks like real flesh. I was so happy we got to see it and talk about it again today.

 

I am thankful I can get back to my routine and to my class after missing it last week. I am thankful for a very interesting lecture today. I am thankful for this opportunity to learn so much about a subject I always liked. I am thankful we got to see pictures of some amazing pieces of art and the best one of all this sculpture by Bernini. I am thankful for this eye opening idea of how to create a business in a place that none is expected. I am thankful for a long talk I had with one of my classmates after class; it is always makes me re-think and re-evaluate my ideas and opinions and I like it very much. I am thankful for a wonderful day.

The Singles Game

Day 509 – I was planning to go out with one of my friends to a movie tonight for her birthday but she had to do few things before going home and by the time she finally made it home she was too tired to go out. I told her it’s her birthday so if she doesn’t feel like going out – it’s absolutely OK. Instead we spent like two hours on the phone! And we both realized that at the beginning, being new at the singles game, it was difficult to be home alone; but now, two years later we both actually learned to like the freedom that comes with it. It is nice to be able to do whatever I want with no one to express an opinion; to leave as much mess as I want or cook or not cook as I please. it’s very easy to get used to that, to the point that it will be difficult to give it up and I am not sure I want to. True I miss sometimes having someone to cuddle with or have some tender moments; but at this stage of the game I really like the way my life is going right now. And I think that time will make it even harder to give it up. I spend today over two hours on the phone and in the same time played some mindless game on my computer and I don’t have to explain, or apologize! It is also nice to go on dates and meet new guys every once in a while. To give all that up I will have to find someone who is absolutely amazing. I am so happy I didn’t find him yet…

 

I am thankful for the freedom I have, for the opportunity to live my life the way I want with no explanations and no apologies. I am thankful for the things I learn everyday about myself, and my preferences. I am thankful for friends who are there when I want to spend time with a friend and are not pressing on me when I want to be alone. I am thankful for such a nice and very candid talk.  

The Calm

Day 508– I decided to take a walk on the boardwalk by the sea this morning. I didn’t do it in such a long time and it was so wonderful. The water is perfect and the weather is perfect but my sunburns are not completely healed yet and so the only way to enjoy the sea right now is walking early in the morning and then sitting under the umbrella and this is exactly what I did. I walked for almost an hour and I stay for another 4 hours in the shade reading a very interesting book. I hope in a few days I’ll be able to get a little sun again, but this time I’ll be covered with generous quantities of sun screen. I learned my lesson; it is by far the worst sunburn I ever got and I am not ready to do it again anytime soon. The rest of the day was very slow as well. I did as little as possible which was exactly what I needed after the past few weeks. And now my batteries are charged and I am ready to face the world again; ready to get back to work and catch up on my regular assignments, something I totally neglected in the past few weeks, we all did.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful day on the beach, even if I had to stay away from the sun. I am thankful for a wonderful book I finally have time to continue reading. I am thankful for a wonderfully relaxed weekend. I am thankful that the crazy schedule is over and I can get back to my wonderful routine. I am so thankful to get my life back, just as I like it, and by now I appreciate it so much more.  

Pride Parade

Day 507 – It is Pride Week here in our country. Yes, a whole week! So today we drove to our largest city, about an hour away from us, to take part in the Pride Parade. The city was all covered with rainbow flags and there were so many people, I think it is much larger event than the one in San Francisco and what was even more interesting it was a very happy parade but not the “in your face” kind, which was always the problem with the SF one. I think it says a lot about the social status and the acceptance the LGBT community feels. The more they feel like outsiders the more provocative they’ll be. It made me very happy to see sign of support of all the major political parties and well as the religious section. I was always for equal rights, I don’t think one group can take the rights of another and I am glad to see that this is the case here, at least on the personal level. Being a parent to a gay child I am even more sensitive to that point, and every little step towards equality is something I really appreciate. It makes me especially happy to see how open people here are to the subject and how supportive.

 

I am thankful to see the shift that slowly permeates into main stream acceptance; I am thankful to see the wide support here in my country to the needs of the LGBT community. I am thankful to my youngest daughter who told me about the parade and came with me to the city to take part in it. I am thankful for a very relaxed evening, doing almost nothing, just what I needed after the very busy week I had. I am thankful for being able to go to sleep in a normal hour and without an alarm clock.    

Reflecting On The Past week

Day 506 – I came back today and I was more tired than I ever was. I felt like I might fall asleep while walking. So I went to sleep for a few hours and I feel like myself again. Now I can finally declare that our task is done. I have a moment to sit back and relax; sit back and reflect. So what do I take from this? I learned that I function very well in high stress situation. That I can keep many small details in my head, many balls in the air and not drop any. I learn that it’s something I like doing and I am doing it very well; that as much as I think I am not organized enough I just know what to do. And I also learned that even though I love the action I am not going to become addicted to adrenaline. I want more in my life than just work. I want to be able to be with my friends, to have time for my hobbies and just have time to kick back and relax. I am not and will not be a woman that all she does is work, even if it is a hell of a job she does. I also learned that I love being a tour guide. It has the right amount of people interaction and problems solving and you get to be on the road and outdoors and not stuck in an office. I feel more alive and happy in a bus on our way somewhere than in a cubicle in front of a computer. I am a people’s and an outdoors’ person. So somewhere in the future, this is what I want to do.

 

I am thankful I went on this tour; it taught me so much about myself. I am thankful I am back home. I am thankful for the opportunities I have opened, for the career I chose, and hopefully will be able to pursue. I am thankful to get my life back after very hectic two months.  

Day Two of Our Tour

Day 505 - I'm at the hotel now after a full day of touring the country and especially our capital. It was a great day and I really enjoyed it. I love interacting with people, and I love being on the road seeing places and explaining about them. Showing people our beautiful country, and it's rich history. I love it so much more than sitting in an office all day long. I know I should write more and talk about the wonderful day we had but I am too tire and I forgot my laptop and it's very late and I can't type one normal sentence and I am totally falling asleep.
  
I am thankful for such a special opportunity to play a host for a few days as part of my job. I am so thankful I have this kind of a job. I am so very tired, and so my biggest thank is for having a nice hotel and a clean bed to sleep in tonight; i think I am so tired I would sleep even in lesser conditions, but I am thankful it is not.

We Are Done With Our Summit

Day 504 – after months of hard work we are done. We had a wonderful gala yesterday night and a series of events today and by 3pm we were done. All our guests left for their homes or hotels and we had a moment to catch our breath. But for me it was really only a short moment and then I drove home, took a very quick shower and by 5:15 was at the hotel to join our guests for an evening tour. We drove to Tel Aviv, our largest city, went to a very good restaurant, took a night drive and then a night walk through the streets of the city and by the time I got back home it was past 1am. It was a very long day indeed but very interesting and satisfying. It feels so good to be at the end of our Summit and to finally be able to breath a little easier without the crazy stress and the extra-long hours. I have to be on the tour for the next two days, but it’s a much lower stress, and I get to practice being a tour director, something I really love; I hope I can still say that by the end of this tour. The picture here is from our night tour of Tel Aviv. It shows the history of that quaint neighborhood and I really liked it. 

  

I am thankful out summit is over and how successful it was. I am thankful I get to travel with our guests and get to know them; I think it is very important for us and our relationship with them in the future. I am thankful I can go to sleep now; it’s 2:44am and I have to wake-up in less than 4 hours; what a painful thought!

We Are Past the Mid point

Day 503 – I came back home only now, a little before midnight, after a very eventful day. By now half of the events are behind us and the more complex ones. And everything worked just the way we planned it with no hiccups at all. I am exhausted from all the running around, but it’s the good kind of tired; the one that comes from hard work. This will be a very short entry because I am so very tired and tomorrow I have to wake-up early again. But I wanted to write a few words about all the things we had today. We showed our guests few of the departments in our hospital in a very unique way and the day culminated in a gala dinner and award ceremony. It was so beautiful and so moving; an excellent production!! But nevertheless it is almost over and I am so happy about that – I am so tired and just want to sleep for a full week.

   

I am thankful that we are past the half point already. I am thankful everything today worked so well and that we are such a great team and we can solve any problem that comes our way. I am so thankful I can go to sleep now, I am dead tired.  

It's Show Time

Day 502 – Today was the day to tie up all the loose ends and by late afternoon the events started to unfold. No more endless preparations we are in show time. I like that stage, the moment before it all start to unfold; the calm when I know that I took care of everything I could think of, and everything falls into place. I worked another very long day but when I locked my office at night, I knew all is ready and waiting for tomorrow for the many people that will be visiting, ready to hear our story and open their hearts. I know the next few days hold many challenges for us, but this is easy stuff – we react to events and situations. Much easier than to think and prepare for the “what if”. Solving problems as they present themselves is what I like best and I am so happy that finally this is where we are. and I almost forgot – I did my nails today after more than a year I didn’t; I really don’t know why it took me so long to do that. But it looks so nice that I sure will do it again.

 

I am thankful the waiting period is over; I am thankful we are now in show time.  I am thankful that in a few days it will all be behind us; I cannot wait to get my old life back. I am thankful I decided to do my hair and my nails – it makes me feel so good. I am thankful to my friends who care so much about the things I do, and make me feel so good.

Sunburned

Day 501 – I went to the beach with my daughter today. I had good company, a good book and a perfect weather, not too hot and just right to stay for a long time without feeling uncomfortable. Sadly, it was too perfect, just good enough to lie down and ready without realizing I am getting sunburned. By the time my daughter noticed the color of my skin it was too late. I got a serious sun-burn and I am in so much pain right now and I try to apply aloe vera cream and take some Advil but nothing really helps and I guess tomorrow will be even worse, it usually is on the second day, so I am not looking forward to that. I guess this is the price I have to pay for not being careful enough, for not applying sunscreen when I know the sun is really strong here. But even with all that I had so much fun; it is my first real beach experience this year. Until now I was sitting in a café and watching and it was always in the late afternoon or even evening. Today I was on the sand, in the water, under the fiery sun and I enjoyed every minute of it; the pain came later, after we already left.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful day on the beach oven if the outcome was less desirable. I am thankful I spend the whole weekend with my daughter. I am thankful these are only first degree burns; I cannot even imagine how painful a second degree burn would be.   

A Skeleton in the Closet

Day 500 – My daughter is staying here this weekend. We passed the point of daughter and mom a long time ago and we do have very deep and candid conversations; something I really cherish. I think that if we don’t make that transition our relationships with our adult children will be very shallow and I don’t like shallow relationships, I really don’t. I try to be open and honest with them at all times. I try to do it in all my relationships, not only with my kids. Even when the truth is not easy and maybe even put me in an uncomfortable position. It is a decision that I made, along with so many others, when I left home and started my new life here. Relationships have to be based on truth and honesty; I lived once a different life and I am never going back to that place. I know how bad it was for me, I know what it did to my soul. And today this decision was put to the test. My daughter asked me a very candid question, the answer to which was not an easy one, and for a brief moment I hesitated; it is not something a parent want to discuss with a child. But she is an adult today and besides, she asked so it means she thinks about it and so I gave her a very honest answer. I opened the closet and took out the skeleton that was hidden there for so many years. I am not perfect, I never claimed I was, and I did some things in my life I am not particularly proud of, but at the time it made sense or else I would not choose that path. And I can beat myself for that, like I did for many years, or accept the fact in face value and go on. I cannot change the past anyway. I can only acknowledge it, accept it and still love myself, faults and all. My daughter asked me a very difficult question and I am so thankful I mastered the courage to be honest and answer truthfully. This is the only way to deal with things. Lying will not change the facts, and if she asked me it means that for one reason or another she suspected what will be my answer, and only the truth can satisfy that. We had a long conversation after that and after hearing what she had to say and why she asked I was even happier that I answered the way I did. It clarified a lot of things for her and a lot of underlying questions and feelings. I talked many times about fear and how it prevents us from doing things and how much it holds us back. The reason we lie is fear, pure and simple and today I found out one more time that when I step out of my comfort zone, when I am ready to deal with consequences my life become fuller and richer and most of all I remove one more mask from my face and be me, just me exactly as I am. A woman that is making an honest attempt to live a very different life that what she had for so many years; a woman that is trying to define her very unique path; that is finding every day a little more who she is and why she it was the best decision she ever made.

 

I am thankful my daughter mastered the courage to ask this very difficult question; it is not something you ever want to ask a parent and not the answer you wish to get. I am thankful I answered in kind. I am thankful most of all that I was able to tell her that as difficult as it was I would not have it any other way; she is a gift from the gods and I would not want to see my life without her.