Day 500 – My daughter is staying here this weekend. We passed the point of daughter and mom a long time ago and we do have very deep and candid conversations; something I really cherish. I think that if we don’t make that transition our relationships with our adult children will be very shallow and I don’t like shallow relationships, I really don’t. I try to be open and honest with them at all times. I try to do it in all my relationships, not only with my kids. Even when the truth is not easy and maybe even put me in an uncomfortable position. It is a decision that I made, along with so many others, when I left home and started my new life here. Relationships have to be based on truth and honesty; I lived once a different life and I am never going back to that place. I know how bad it was for me, I know what it did to my soul. And today this decision was put to the test. My daughter asked me a very candid question, the answer to which was not an easy one, and for a brief moment I hesitated; it is not something a parent want to discuss with a child. But she is an adult today and besides, she asked so it means she thinks about it and so I gave her a very honest answer. I opened the closet and took out the skeleton that was hidden there for so many years. I am not perfect, I never claimed I was, and I did some things in my life I am not particularly proud of, but at the time it made sense or else I would not choose that path. And I can beat myself for that, like I did for many years, or accept the fact in face value and go on. I cannot change the past anyway. I can only acknowledge it, accept it and still love myself, faults and all. My daughter asked me a very difficult question and I am so thankful I mastered the courage to be honest and answer truthfully. This is the only way to deal with things. Lying will not change the facts, and if she asked me it means that for one reason or another she suspected what will be my answer, and only the truth can satisfy that. We had a long conversation after that and after hearing what she had to say and why she asked I was even happier that I answered the way I did. It clarified a lot of things for her and a lot of underlying questions and feelings. I talked many times about fear and how it prevents us from doing things and how much it holds us back. The reason we lie is fear, pure and simple and today I found out one more time that when I step out of my comfort zone, when I am ready to deal with consequences my life become fuller and richer and most of all I remove one more mask from my face and be me, just me exactly as I am. A woman that is making an honest attempt to live a very different life that what she had for so many years; a woman that is trying to define her very unique path; that is finding every day a little more who she is and why she it was the best decision she ever made.
I am thankful my daughter mastered the courage to ask this very difficult question; it is not something you ever want to ask a parent and not the answer you wish to get. I am thankful I answered in kind. I am thankful most of all that I was able to tell her that as difficult as it was I would not have it any other way; she is a gift from the gods and I would not want to see my life without her.
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