It's Way Too Late

Day 453 – It is extremely late right now – 3:30 am. Originally I planned to be at work by 6 but I cannot do that, I need some sleep. I have to be at the airport tomorrow for my Tour Guides class – airport training and I have to be on the 8:10 train in order to make it on time. So, even under the best timing I have less than 4 hours to sleep. I better get going. I really have to go to sleep. I was planning to write something much longer, but I will not do that. I have to be responsible and get some sleep.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful art class today, for all the complements I got from my friends for my pictures. I am thankful for a nice coffee meeting (actually tea) I got to spend with a friend and for the beautiful CD I got as a birthday present and some very interesting feedback. I am thankful I can go to sleep now; I am really tired.   

I am Thankful for a Wonderful Day

Day 452 – It is Saturday and the last day of the holiday so we went, my hiking group, for a little hike. We didn’t want to go far since the traffic was supposed to be really bad today so we hiked not far from here. I have to admit it was not our best trip, or even close to, but it is always nice to meet each other and to spend a day in nature, be out all day. It was so good to spend many hours with my friends, laughing and joking and just fully living again, and it is especially good for me right now – the perfect antidote. There were few new people that joined us today, which is always nice, it changed the dynamics but in a good way.  When I came home I decided to finish my music painting, the one that I painted to the music of Hayal Gibi. Finally I knew what I am going to do with it. I added a Turkish string instrument called Kanun, I fixed few things I was not pleased with and to me it feels done. I will bring it to my painting class tomorrow to see if my teacher agrees, but I think it looks good. It is a painting I really like. It started from a sad place, just after the break-up but by now it is a much happier picture and I am in a very different place. I think it is also interesting to see how it evolved. I took few pictures along the way and from sumple colors and tears it became something more complex, more interesting. Along the way my mood changed as well. Of course I still have moments of sadness, like yesterday, but there are few and far between, and after our hiking trip I am all excited and bubbly like my old self again.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful day in nature. I am thankful for long and very deep conversation I had with old and new friends; I never take something like that for granted. I am thankful for the inspiration to finish my painting; it is proudly hanging on my wall.

A Lesson in Humility

Day 451 – I went today to meet someone I met few months ago on one of the dating sites. He was in a relationship at the time and later I was so it didn’t really work back then but he contacted me few days ago and suggested we’d meet. I said that I am not really emotionally available right now and he said he’s in the same place but we are both free, so why won't we go for a hike or something. So that's what we did. He wrote on his profile that he has limited eye sight and he can’t drive, but in the same time that he is a surgeon so I was intrigued, of course how it can work. What I found is a very nice man and a very sad story. He got badly injured several years ago in a suicide bomb attack and lost one eye and has only partial sight in his other eye. And yet the man found in him the strength to get back on his feet and to try to make sense of all that. To try to build an alternative to a very successful career that was cut from one moment to the next. 

So we went hiking and it was so nice. It’s still spring and there were so many flowers in this little nature preserve and I was amazed time and again how he enjoys every little thing – view, wild flowers, and animals around. He is learning alternative medicine such as meditation and hypnosis and he did guided meditation with me in that beautiful setting; and it was perfect; just the sound of wind and the birds around. I was still very sad and the few questions he asked about that brought me to the brink of tears, but after I got home I started thinking about the day and I came to some very interesting conclusions. Those petty worries are a privilege. When something really important to us is at stake nothing else matter, we forget about the world around. I can be sad right now about this very short relationship that was more in my head than real I guess, just because I have nothing more important to worry about. And this is something I should be very thankful for. What a comforting thought. 

I am thankful I met this man; I don’t know if we can be in a relationship but I sure want to have him as a friend. I am so thankful for this important lesson in humility in the face of unimaginable odds he taught me today.  I am thankful I got to spend my day hiking in nature instead of at home, that I was happy most of the day and only for a few minute really sad. I am thankful I am so privileged as to worry about a broken heart, and not about more serious things; I can only hope that my life will be so blessed that only these kind of hurts will bring tears to my eyes. 

Movie Night

Day 450 – It’s another holiday today and I am here alone and have no one to celebrate with. Of course, I could invite some friends but I really didn't feel like doing that. So instead I went with one of my friends to see a movie; a French movie called “The Intouchables” (yes, it’s not a typo, that’s how they call it) highly recommended. It’s a story of a man who became totally paralyzed after a sport accident and the impossible man he chose as his caretaker who brought back the spark and happiness into his life. A very inspiring story, and very well acted, and it is based on a true story. Getting out of this movie all my little troubles look so small and insignificant, so manageable. I am still sad, it takes more time than I care to admit for my heart to heal from this last blow, but I am full of life and optimistic and I know that everything happens for a reason. So I know that my real love is waiting just behind the turn of the road; that had this break-up happened in a few months it would be devastating for me, so I am better off dealing with it now. And I will be OK, even if it will take a little more time than I anticipated; at the end all my wounds heal and I’ll be back on the horse ready to explore new possibilities; to find the one that will be as great but will love me too. If the guy from the movie managed to find new love, I will too. I thought I found my prince just to realize it was, after all, a frog. So I will go back to the pond at some point, not right now but I will, and a little smarter I hope, but keeping my spirit high and believing it can be done, I’ll look for the next attractive frog to kiss and hope again it will transformed…

  

I am thankful to my friend for spontaneity, for coming with me to the movie on a moment notice. I am thankful for a very funny yet touching movie I got to watch. I am thankful for all the sad thoughts it brought with it, for my ability to overcome this sadness every day a little better, until it will totally disappear, and I’ll be free once more.   

A Spring March

Day 449 – Today I did something very special, something I don’t even have a proper name for in English, it’s a walk in nature, a march with no rhythm just for the fun of it for a certain distance, with many participants hundreds in our case; something that is very popular here. So today, with 3 of my friends, we went on one of the marches, organized by the armored forces of the IDF. This is the 22^nd year they are doing it, a real tradition by now. It was a beautiful day; the forecast was for a light rain in the north and just cloudy where we were, but it was sunny and warm and I even got sunburned since I didn’t put sunscreen. We walked for over four hours in a very hilly area that had a very impressive history during our independence war. We marched along a very famous road, called the Burma Road that was opened in the most dangerous conditions during the war and enabled caravans of armored vehicles to bring food and water to Jerusalem that was under siege for months already. I knew, like everyone in my country the story of how they opened this road in the mountains, the stories about the brave young men who drove along this road and brought supplies to the city; but I never walked or drove it. And so today was very special; it brought such strong emotions about the road we took, and being me, the eternal over thinker it made me think about the significance of roads we take in our lives, about detours that save and change lives forever. Being on one of these detours, I sure know to appreciate it. It was also time for me to reconnect with friends I didn't see now for quite some time. I was so busy with other things in my life I didn’t leave enough time for simple pleasures like go hiking with them. But, the good thing is that I am back with my friends and I hope it will not happened again.
    
I am thankful for a wonderful hike today, for history, and nature, and fun all under one roof. I am thankful for a day I wasn’t sad even for one second, not even when I mentioned this relationship that I was hoping will last forever and didn’t. I am thankful to my friends for hours full of lovely talks and jokes, for a great day; it’s good to be back.

It's Spring Again

Day 448 – It was another warm day and after work I went to the beach again. I had my book with me and my music and it was so wonderful to enjoy a relaxed afternoon on the beach in the middle of April. I live here for almost two years now and I still look in so much wonderment at the short and intense spring and the early summer. I know there might still be few rains, but the winter is way behind us already and it the beginning of summer. I love this shoulder season, not really spring like we use to have over there, but still a very nice semi-season. Everything is in bloom and you can see the development from one day to the next. Still everything is so green but in a few weeks it will be yellow and almost unconscious because of the heat. The air is infused with the fragrances of the flowers and the trees; and everything feels so fresh and full of promise. For me it is the best time of the year; the perfect time.

       

I am thankful for another day on the beach. I am thankful I live here now and I get to enjoy this very special and short season. For 22 years that we lived abroad I could not be here during the spring and enjoy it in all its splendor. I promised myself not to take things for granted; I sure don’t take this and I am thankful, so very thankful for every flower, bird and smell; my heart is soaring with joy, to be alive, to be well and to be here, what else can I ask for…

Meeting with Friends

Day 447 – I was planning on a quiet evening at home tonight, especially after the embarrassing falling asleep in my clothes thing. But all plans are the base for changes, as you know. I went to the photo shop to pick up the last few pictures I ordered and I met there one of the guys from my creative writing class. So we went for coffee and he started telling stories from his long career and before you know it, two hours passed. After we parted I called a friend who lives nearby to see if she’s home – I wanted to show her how beautiful my pictures are – but she wasn’t home so I went home but an hour later she called me, she was here in the area and so she came by and we spent the next two and a half hours talking. So it’s very now late, again, and I am going to finish my blog and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can have a quiet evening at home… but the truth is I am not complaining, on the contrary, I am very happy that I have friends and I get to spend time with them; quality time. Another important milestone that happened today is that I took a first look into the JDate website again; I am not ready to date yet , but I am open to think of “the day after” once more. I am sure I will be so much more careful next time and try to ask more questions, more of the right questions – my list will grow with every failed relationship, I guess - but the good news are that my heart has recovered enough if I can even tolerate the thought of checking.

 

I am thankful for the amazing pictures I got today; my house is getting more and more pictures on the walls and I absolutely love it. I am thankful for an evening I got to spend with my friends; I am thankful for their friendship and for their time; I sure don’t take it for granted. I am thankful that a little over a week after the break-up that I was sure will leave me devastated I am happy and singing all day long and even ready to think about dating sometimes in the near future once again.

Evening on the Beach

Day 446 – It was a very warm day today and so after work I drove to the beach and stayed there for almost 3 hours, until after the sunset. I thought about it this morning already so I had a good book with me and I just sat there and read. It was so much fun after a long winter to enjoy the sea again. I love those quiet hours on the beach as the day comes to an end.

Something really funny happened tonight. as I was writing this entry my daughter called- she just arrived safely and her dad already picked her up. We talked for a few minutes and after she hung up I just fell asleep I guess, because the next thing I remember is waking up again at 5:30 in the morning, still in my clothes… I don’t remember the last time it happened to me; it makes me feel like a teenager.

So here you go a very truncated entry, but a funny incident. I guess I was tired…

  

I am thankful my daughter got safely to the other side of the world; I hope she’ll have a wonderful time with her dad and siblings and old friends. I am thankful for a lovely afternoon on the beach. I am thankful I am taking the time to read again, to read so much that my eyes hurt; I was so busy in the past few months, I didn’t leave time for simple pleasures and I am so thankful for this very special evening because of that as well.

Some Smart Advices from my Daughter

Day 445 – It is the day after the Passover Seder and by now I already drove my daughter to the airport and came back. She is going back to visit our family over there, to see her dad and siblings. I am a little sad she left, but I am so happy she’ll see everyone there. When they came here for a visit she was in the military so she barely had a chance to see them, especially her little niece; so I am all excited for her. We stayed yesterday at our friends’ home, I was tired and had a lot to drink, and we drove back home this morning. We had a very long conversation on our way about being in a relationship and what you do and don’t to make it work; about how when you came from a broken home you can build something more sturdy and how wonderful it was to see our friends and their kids, so happy because they grew up in such a loving environment. She is so smart and I can talk to her in the level of the heart not as mom and daughter. And by the time we got here I felt so much better even about my own heart ache, about the break-up with the man I was seeing in the past month. Suddenly I was able to see things I didn’t see before, and I could even see some good that will come out of this. She told me about how she and her boyfriend are dealing with issues and it made me realize I am still doing things the wrong way and I was looking at her and thinking that she is smarter than me, she will be able to make it work, and it made me so happy. At the end of the day, my life are past their prime, from natures point of view I already did my job here on earth; but she is the future, the promise and so the way she handles herself is so much more important, it is the hope for a better future we are looking at. And I am praying every day that my kids will do better at the place I failed so badly; that they will build a better and safer environment for their kids. The way it looks right now, they might will; and I am so happy about that.

  

I am thankful to my daughter for a serious heart-to-heart talk, about opening up about her life and how she handles things. I am again thankful to our friends for their warm hospitality, for all the love and warmth they surrounded us with, for letting us feel like we are part of their family and so welcomed there.  I am thankful for a wonderful day I got to spend with my daughter and I am going to miss her very much in this coming month.

It's Passover

Day 444 - it's Passover today and we are celebrating it with our very dear friends in Jerusalem. Ever since we moved here they were absolutely amazing to us and I feel so greatful they include us in their extended family for this holiday celebration. We read the Haggadah, we ate, we had so much fun just being with them surrounded by all this warmth and happiness. It made me so happy to see them all together, so fond of each other, so happy and it puts in big contrast the dynamics in our family, which made me very sad. Yes, I wish things where different, that we were still together and happy, that my kids will be all together in one place.
It's Passover and I want to look at the bright side of what is good in my life, what are the demons that I fight and try to conquer what is my personal getting out of bondage to freedom. I got back to my country, a blessing we make every year at the end of the evening, I got out of a very bad marriage and both are personal victories for me, both I am not taking for granted, things I had to fight for; but I am sure that as happy as I am, many more things are still restricting my steps or my thoughts, holding me back. Part of this holiday is taking a personal inventory and identify what these things are and take active steps to change that, to fight back; to do what ever is needed to become a little less a slave and a little more of a free woman, free in body and soul.


I am thankful, so very thankful to our friends for their hospitality, for their kindness and their friendship. I am so thankful we got to spend the holiday with them. I am thankful for all the progress I made on the past few years. I am also very thankful for all the obstacles, and setback for the bondage still on me that I have to fight or let go to become free.

Surrounded by My Creations

Day 443 – I decided that few of my pictures from Greece are good enough to be hanged on my walls so as a “holiday gift” (just kidding)  I developed 5 of them to a 8X10 and put them in frames and on my walls; and now my dining room changed into a Greek theme. The pictures are probably the best I even took. They are of high quality both technically and artistically, so I am so happy to have them here. I got a lot of complements in the photo shop. It makes me so happy I can take such good pictures. It is one more proof, if I needed any, how wonderful this trip to Greece was, how much I opened my eyes and my heart to everything around me, how present I was all the time. I also developed two pictures as 14X18 but I’ll only get in a few days, I can’t wait to see them. And since I was already in the process I decided to frame my second color picture, the one from day 404 that looks like flames and I picked it up today and it came out so nice, and it made me so happy. I love it that as days and weeks go by my walls are being covered more and more with my creations, with my art. When we moved here they were totally bare and we bought 3 pictures just so it won’t be so empty. By now I have 13 photographs, and 5 of my paintings hanging and I am thinking of framing few more. I really like that my house reflects who I am, where I was, what I like, and feel, and think, and do… it makes it very personal, and it so satisfying to see it all the time. In my old house we had so many pictures that we bought in different galleries and shows and I left everything behind when I moved here and now my house slowly getting covered again, but this time it is with my own work. So quality wise Picasso or Rembrandt are so much better than anything I can ever create, but I am getting so much more satisfaction seeing my own work on the walls, that I think I am going to stick to that.

 

I am thankful for the idea that one day popped into my head to hang my photos on my walls. I am thankful for this gift of open eye and open heart that enable me to see the world in a very different way and translate it to beautiful pictures. I am thankful again for this amazing trip to Greece that brought me so many gifts and this set of photos is among those gifts. I am thankful that after four days I was very sad about the break-up I am so well today. I even changed the theme of my picture the one a started few days ago, with the tears, I changed it to a much happier theme; I am not sad or feel like crying anymore. I am so thankful the worst is behind me already, that I am well again.

Saving Lives

Day 442 – Passover is almost here, only two days away, and living in this country you can feel it everywhere. And so, being a little sad in the past few days and thinking what can I do that will make me feel better, I had the idea of donating platelets; I didn’t do it in such a long time. So I set an appointment for today; I came to the blood bank and everyone is always so nice to me there. Most people donate only when someone close to them needs blood so they really appreciate the fact that I do it just because I can. What the nurse there told me is that a little 5 years old girl is waiting for my platelets; she is after bone marrow transplant and in the pediatric ICU with very low platelets count. It suddenly made the whole story so real. This little investment of three hours of my time to make this donation can be the difference between life and death for a very sick little child, it’s part of her life line. I was so happy I had this idea and I made myself a promise to go more regularly to do that. It’s interesting that I was sad and was looking for a way to feel better, and by doing so I can bring so much happiness to someone else. It made me happy I did my little part in keeping this community a better place, by giving back to this place that gave me so much, that gave me back my life. I have to find more ways to do good, to contribute; it’s so important and it really feels good.

 

I am thankful to my country and my community for all they did for me since I moved here. I am thankful to all the wonderful people I met along the way. I am thankful for all the kindness, the friendships the extended hands. I am so thankful I found a way to give back. I am thankful to this wonderful nurse who let me know the final destination of my donation and by that made it so meaningful and important. I wish this little girl a fast and complete recovery, I am so thankful I could help a little in this long and difficult path she is forced to walk.    

An Independent Woman

Day 441 – I was walking today all day with the ear buds of my iPhone stuck in my ears, totally immersed in this music; singing it, feeling it, allowing it to touch my soul; and it just made me whole again. I woke up this morning and I just knew I am OK, I am not going to be down but immediately take flight once more. I was walking with light steps, almost flying, and I was just happy.  Yes, I am sad it is over, yes I wish I still had him in my life, I still think he is the most amazing man I ever met, but I have me and at the end of the day, this is the only one who forever will be around, the only one I can always count on.  And this short lived relationship taught me so much about me, pushed me to places I’ve never been before, challenged me in so many ways and because of that enabled me to grow and develop few more facets of me. I started writing poetry, I learned to protect my needs, I found feelings in me I thought were long buried and gone but most of all I took this amazing trip to Greece that without it and the strength I drew from it I would be in a very different place right now, two days after we broke up. I am of course, asking myself if this trip is not also what pushed it overboard. The fact that a woman is so strong and independent, that she can stand on her own two feet and doesn’t need any help, is not an easy one to swallow for most men, they say it’s OK but when push comes to shove they want her half a step behind, or at least by their side and not even a little step ahead. I don’t know if this is the case here, I want to believe it is not; but I know that women who are helpless, damsels in distress, will have much easier time to find a new mate. But I also know I am not ready to give up my independence, and I will forever look for a man that is strong enough and confident enough to accept the fact that I might be more talented, or better than him in many ways, just as he can be better than me in others. To be in a relationship is not a power struggle, a competition or an ego play. It’s to love someone just as they are and to want to be together even though it’s so much easier to be alone, just because one plus one is so much more than two. I cherish my independence so much, I know how hard I worked to achieve it and I will give it up for nothing. I hope one day to find a man that will accept the challenge, but not right now, I have to spend some time alone and heal myself. So tonight I kept working on my picture and, as always, my heart takes flight as I touch the brush and I enjoyed every second of it; but I am only a beginner, so I took this picture as far as I can on my own and now I need my teacher’s input to continue, so I’ll have to wait for Thursday.

  

I am thankful I was able to go through this breakup that I was sure will leave me totally heart broken and crushed, in such a graceful way (yes, sadly I knew it was coming); I think a lot is due to the way he did it and a lot due to the action I took right away – going to the gym, painting, and hours upon hours of soul music; when I am taking care of my soul I can’t be too heartbroken.  I am thankful I realized I will not try to hide how independent I am even if I will not be able to find a match; otherwise it will not be me in the game and I will never do that ever again. I am so thankful, the third day, in a row for this amazing music that is the perfect prescription for a broken heart. I am thankful to him for such an amazing farewell present, for the most graceful way to breakup with someone, even that is something you can do well or not and he definitely did. I am thankful I met him, been with him, loved him; it makes me happy knowing there are people like him walking this earth. I am just sad it was so short lived and could not be reciprocated.

A Healing Brush

Day 440 – I am still listening to this beautiful CD by Hayal Gibi, I listened to it all day long. I am sad and it resonates well on the strings of my heart; it cries instead of me and it brings me peace. And then at some point I decided that I want to paint it. Yes, I want to paint the music. I was thinking about it for hours and I have it all planned out in my mind; and so today, before my Tour Guides class I went to the art store nearby and I bought an aisle, few more canvases and I also found three paints in colors I really liked so I bought them too, and I could not wait to get home and start my work. As soon as I got home I put the CD really, really loud so it can penetrate all the right places in my mind and my heart, I opened the aisle and started painting. By now, I already did the background; I am waiting for it to dry so I can go back and start the second layer. Now that I look at it, I realize it came much lighter than I originally thought so I guess that just touching paints and canvas with my brush bring me so much solace. I am not sad anymore, I just can’t wait for the paint to dry, and that’s all, this is how focused my thoughts are right now. I always say that time stops outside our classroom. I guess the right way to phrase it is that time and life stops when I touch the brush. I don’t have enough words to explain how important this discovery is. Yesterday I went to the gym to get some endorphins into my system, to get over the pain, but what I am doing tonight is so much more powerful and it actually heals. I was very sad and suddenly it’s all gone. I am in such an amazing place. I am an artist, I really am - it calms me, it heals me, it makes me whole again.

 

I am thankful, so very thankful for this gift from the heavens; it would have been a very different night without this healing brush in my hand. I am thankful for life with all its twists and bypasses, for all the detours, for all the pain, I would not want it any other way; it is the materials from which great art and strong people are made. I am thankful for my life, just as they are, good and bad, happy and sad, colorful and exciting and mine, so mine to create and change and take in any direction I like. I am thankful for this enchanting music that stirs every string in my body, in my heart; I never had music I wanted to paint, and it's just the right thing to do in such a night, a day after  the most painful breakup in my life.

Out of the Desert

Day 439 – I am sitting right now at home listening to a beautiful CD by Hayal Gibi. I got it from the man I write about all the time, the one who made passages right into my heart, the one who just broke my heart few hours ago. He was in Turkey for half a day and got it for me, as a farewell present I guess. I sit here and listen to this magical music in a very different mood than last time when I wrote about it, yet the effect is just the same. It has such an amazing quality and it just flows into the room and vibrates on the strings of my heart. I listen to this enchanting music and it moves me so deeply. I love the fact that music has such an amazing effect on me. Most people just hear it but for me it goes so deep, and it brings an internal stir. I listen and my heart is singing; the piano and violin cry not me; I am in such a wonderful place in my life. After so many years of wondering in the desert I found my peace, I found the artist I always knew I have in me, I found love; what else can I ask for? Yes, I would love to be loved back, but never the less I am so happy, I didn't think I can have these kind of feelings ever again. I am surrounded by family and friends, back in my beloved country, and I am so thankful, my heart is about to burst.

  

I am thankful for this tranquility the music brings to me, for the magic it carries with it. I am thankful for the life I have here, the new life I built for myself. I am thankful beyond words to this amazing man who touched my life in so many wonderful ways, no matter how it ends.