An Independent Woman

Day 441 – I was walking today all day with the ear buds of my iPhone stuck in my ears, totally immersed in this music; singing it, feeling it, allowing it to touch my soul; and it just made me whole again. I woke up this morning and I just knew I am OK, I am not going to be down but immediately take flight once more. I was walking with light steps, almost flying, and I was just happy.  Yes, I am sad it is over, yes I wish I still had him in my life, I still think he is the most amazing man I ever met, but I have me and at the end of the day, this is the only one who forever will be around, the only one I can always count on.  And this short lived relationship taught me so much about me, pushed me to places I’ve never been before, challenged me in so many ways and because of that enabled me to grow and develop few more facets of me. I started writing poetry, I learned to protect my needs, I found feelings in me I thought were long buried and gone but most of all I took this amazing trip to Greece that without it and the strength I drew from it I would be in a very different place right now, two days after we broke up. I am of course, asking myself if this trip is not also what pushed it overboard. The fact that a woman is so strong and independent, that she can stand on her own two feet and doesn’t need any help, is not an easy one to swallow for most men, they say it’s OK but when push comes to shove they want her half a step behind, or at least by their side and not even a little step ahead. I don’t know if this is the case here, I want to believe it is not; but I know that women who are helpless, damsels in distress, will have much easier time to find a new mate. But I also know I am not ready to give up my independence, and I will forever look for a man that is strong enough and confident enough to accept the fact that I might be more talented, or better than him in many ways, just as he can be better than me in others. To be in a relationship is not a power struggle, a competition or an ego play. It’s to love someone just as they are and to want to be together even though it’s so much easier to be alone, just because one plus one is so much more than two. I cherish my independence so much, I know how hard I worked to achieve it and I will give it up for nothing. I hope one day to find a man that will accept the challenge, but not right now, I have to spend some time alone and heal myself. So tonight I kept working on my picture and, as always, my heart takes flight as I touch the brush and I enjoyed every second of it; but I am only a beginner, so I took this picture as far as I can on my own and now I need my teacher’s input to continue, so I’ll have to wait for Thursday.

  

I am thankful I was able to go through this breakup that I was sure will leave me totally heart broken and crushed, in such a graceful way (yes, sadly I knew it was coming); I think a lot is due to the way he did it and a lot due to the action I took right away – going to the gym, painting, and hours upon hours of soul music; when I am taking care of my soul I can’t be too heartbroken.  I am thankful I realized I will not try to hide how independent I am even if I will not be able to find a match; otherwise it will not be me in the game and I will never do that ever again. I am so thankful, the third day, in a row for this amazing music that is the perfect prescription for a broken heart. I am thankful to him for such an amazing farewell present, for the most graceful way to breakup with someone, even that is something you can do well or not and he definitely did. I am thankful I met him, been with him, loved him; it makes me happy knowing there are people like him walking this earth. I am just sad it was so short lived and could not be reciprocated.