2013 - Happy New Year

Day 713 - In forty minutes the new year will enter our time zone and the year 2012 will be over. When we lived in our previous country it was a big day and it was celebrated all over. Here, being a Jewish country, it is not and I have to admit I miss it. We live by this calendar but for some reason people here feel it is not OK to celebrate it. Well, I am going to be different. I want to do my little end of the year inventory and think ahead to the year we are welcoming tonight. So how do I see the passing year? It was a great year. 

• I took my first trip abroad alone - the trip to Greece, that I still think of it as an amazing experience. 
• I had a second trip with my daughter to Prague, again amazing.
• I took one trip to see my kids and granddaughter
• I started painting with paints and not only pencils and fell in love with this medium and with painting in general.
• I finished my tour guides class.
• I participated in the creative writing class and found out I can write very well; but I am not doing it this year, mainly for budget reasons.
• I had my first party at home and it was wonderful.
• I am still keeping my weekends to myself and refuse to be dragged into crazy work schedule
• I hike a lot and it is a gift for me.
• I had the best year with my daughter; seeing her taking her first steps as a civilian.
• I did and still doing a lot of spiritual growth, and I love it; it makes my life fuller and richer. 
• I loved and this is probably the best thing I did this year. I loved my parents and my siblings. I loved my children so very much. 
• I found the man I think is going to be my partner for the second half of my life and I am so full of happiness. 

What a year. Do I drag anything behind? Do I celebrate New Year with a baggage? Do I have any unfinished business? These are the real questions to ask and find the answers for. I hope the answer will be as close as possible to "No".   
I am very happy. I hardly even remember the woman I was only two and a half years ago. I feel like I am blooming and radiating my happiness. I didn't think this is even possible and I feel like the luckiest woman for having these blessings in my life.
  
I am thankful for a wonderful year; for the trials and the tears, for the great moments and the joy and laughter. I am thankful for the abundance in my life; for the helping hands for for the love that I am surrounded with, for the dearest people in my life that make every day so very special. I am thankful for my health for my routine and for my very special moments  I am so thankful for my life, just the way they are.  

A warm welcome

Day 712 - My partner has a son who lives in another country so the only way for him to communicate is by Skype. Today he had a Skype session with his son, the first one since he moved here and he asked me to join him. He wanted to introduce me, to make me part of his family. It was a very nice call and very easy going and we all talked for about two hours. This little gesture made me very happy - he included me in his very close and sacred circle of family. I did the same for him and introduced him to my daughter but for some reason it is still very new to me when my partner is so nice and kind to me. I have to learn to expect this kind of behavior and actually make it the golden standard. I feel so lucky to have this man in my life who loves me so much and let me feel it any way he can.

I am thankful for a very long and productive evening of taking care of business. I am thankful for the warm and very kind welcome by which I was accepted into his family. I am so very thankful for this love that befall on me and makes every moment of my day so special.

Hiking

Day 711 - Today we had our first hike with my hiking group, and it was wonderful. The day started as a very sunny day and ended with serious rain which made our hike very challenging. Everyone had a very light load, ad befit a day hike, but we are training for the trek in less than a month so we have to start carrying big backpacks. We found out that we have some more training to do and by the end of the day, especially with the rain we were very tired and our bodies aching but few hours later we are fine, so we know we can do it, but we also know it will take a serious toll on us and we are ready for that. It was so wonderful to have the man who is such a big part of my life as part of this activity that is so dear to me. I never had a partner for that since I moved here and it made me all so happy to have that. At some point I realized that this is one of the things I am looking for in a partner - the love for the outdoors and specifically for hiking. And I finally did. I found a man who share so many values with me and likes the same recreational activities, I have found my match, and I am so happy for that. Happiness I have not experienced in many years. What else can I ask for?
  
I am thankful for a day out in nature, taking in the beauty and the friendship. I am thankful for a random meeting in the mountain of a good friend I have not seen in more than a year and the kind and encouraging words he sent me after that. I am thankful for a whole day I got to spend with my partner, for his love and friendship, for this ability to combine both of my loves. I am thankful for the challenge and the recovery. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life.

A day with my loved ones

Day 710 - it was a long day. that started 20 hours ago. We hiked on the boardwalk of the city where my daughter lives, a long hike - an hour in each direction and we just came back from a dance party for the new year. (Yes the new year is few days away but here it is a regular work day so most of the parties are taking place this weekend). Dancing with the man I love was so wonderful, making it a unique experience, a great party. It's late now and we are very tired and tomorrow morning we are going on a serious hike with my group, so this is a short entry. It was a great day; I enjoyed the the walk on the boardwalk, and even more so the fact that at the end of it we met our best friends here and we most important of all we met my daughter for a few hours. I had to be in the city and I never miss a chance to see her, even if only for a few hours since she worked in the morning.

IU am thankful for a wonderful day, full of laughter and sunshine and love. I am thankful for the chance to see all the most important people for me here, in one place. I am thankful for a fun night, for great plans for tomorrow and most of all I am thankful I can go to sleep now; I have to admit - I am tired.

Tarot reading

Day 709 - As part of the tarot course one has to find his "signification" card, the card that represents who he is today and the lessons he has to internalize as part of his spiritual development, as part of his journey. There is a very structured process by which this card is identified and it can take a long time. The process starts when one buys his tarot cards and take care of them in a special way for 21 days and only then he can do this. You open once a day until a card from the majors is the card of the day. Yesterday was the first day I could open and I got a minor card. Tonight after coming back from the painting class we did another session and I got my card. It was a very good card, one of the best in the tarot deck and the interesting thing is that I don't feel I deserve it. I feel I have so much to learn and to do, I don't see myself in that point of the journey, I wish one day I will. And it makes me realize few things - I have to learn to accept complements; I have to learn to trust my ability and my strength and I have to understand what this card is trying to teach me, what are the actions I have to take in order to make my life the magic that the card promises if I'll take the right steps. I have to internalize all that and work at it diligently. My partner was very happy with the card I got, I on the other hand was not. I have to find out why.
   
I am thankful for a wonderful day; a day with not even one episode of heart burn - I forgot how wonderful that feels, I am thankful for a great painting class after two weeks I didn't go due to heavy rains. I am thankful  for a very interesting Tarot session, for the wonderful reaction of my partner. I am thankful for the lessons I have to learn, for the acknowledgement of the journey I took so far and the ones ahead of me.  

GI procedure? - check!

Day 708 - Today was my medical procedure and I have to admit that it was nothing at all. I can't believe that I delayed these procedures for years and suffered for no reason. They took some biopsies of course so I will not have final answer for a few weeks now but it looks like they found the reason for my constant heart burns, the big damage already done to my body because of years I neglected it and now I will have some serious medications to try and fix that. But I am very happy; for doing it, for finding the culprit and for having all this behind me. Now I am finally on my way to recovery. A very strict diet, and medications should do the job and in the process I might loose a few pounds and drop my cholesterol levels - all good things. I also want to acknowledge the role my partner took today. He came with me to the hospital, stayed with me all the way to the OR and was there as soon as I got out. He was so nice and gentle and it made me so happy; it's something I didn't expect and I really appreciate so very much. And he did it and didn't expect anything in return; didn't think this behavior is something special, just as it should. I sure don't take something like that for granted, I learned that a long time ago.

I am thankful this day I dreaded so much is behind me. I am thankful it was really nothing to even mention. I am thankful to my daughter and my parents for their concern and well wishing. I am thankful to this wonderful man in my life who was so nice and kind to me; made the day so special. 

Moving in together

Day 707 - My partner moved here on a more permanent basis. He brought his very few worldly possessions to my house and as of today I am starting a new chapter in my life, we both are. It is both scary and exciting but I would not do that had I not think it is the right man and the right thing to do. If he lived in the same city as I do we might have waited a little longer but since he lives 2 hours away it doesn't make any sense and so we made this decision to move in together after such a short time. He believes in keeping as little as possible possessions and looking at what he brought it made me realize how much I accumulated in the past two years. I have a lot to say about it but not today. his evening I want to concentrate on this very special event that just happened. I didn't believe it will happen again and definitely not so soon but I was fortunate enough that the universe smiled at me again and I was not about to let this magic moment pass just because it's so soon, only two and a half years after I left my previous life, my marriage and moved back here.
  
I am thankful for such an emotional day, for a huge decision that I am so happy i was strong enough to make. I am thankful for the generosity of the universe. I am thankful for this love that shines on my life again, for this special man that has entered them and makes every day so special.   

An evening hike

Day 706 - I am planning to go on the trail in a month time so I decided it is time to start training more seriously. So when I came back from work I changed my cloths, put on my hiking shoes and we went out for a long walk.We live in a city perched on a mountain so it gives us a real challenges and real opportunity for training. we went down half the mountain and then climbed it up again. I am very happy to report that I am still in very good condition and I did it well, that my many hiking trips prepared me for this adventure. From hiking down very steep road to hiking up hill on hundreds of stairs. It is a beautiful city and the evening air was fresh and a little cold, it was so nice to be outside in an evening like that and take it all in. in the weekend we will have to hike with a heavy backpack just to get used to it as well, but overall I think I will be OK and it makes me very happy. 
  
I am thankful for another day in this wonderful city of mine, in this amazing country.  I am thankful for having a hiking partner; I have to admit I didn't do it much and I really should; so, I am thankful for his encouragement to start hiking and training. I am thankful for a very plesant hike today.   

A long overdue procedure

Day 705 - After few years of nagging heartburn and doctors warning that I have to check what causing it I decided to do the procedure; the fact that my daughter did it was the last straw in my resistance campaign and today I finally scheduled it for this coming Wednesday. I have to admit I am not looking forward to it and I wish I could still avoid it, but I know it is something long overdue and I will not dodge it any longer. So right now I am on a very strict diet for the next three days of what I am allowed to it and what not and I will probably complain about it for the coming few days. Still I hope that years of neglect did not cause an irreversible damage and that they will finally identify the problem and fix it. In the name of wishing not to be a paranoid I neglected my body big times and I hope there will be no consequences to that. I will try to be better from now on.
  
I am thankful to my partner who almost forced me to go and schedule the procedure after another night of suffering. I am thankful to my daughter for showing me the way to handle such things. I am thankful I could schedule it right away so I will be done with it before I'll have time to regret it. I am thankful for the miracles of modern medicine for what they can offer us today and I hope it will offer me a cure. 

In love for real

Day 704 - I read few old blogs of mine, I kept talking about love all the time. I realized I used the word too freely, knowing all too well that it's not really love but using the word never the less. Only now when I found the man I am actually thinking very seriously of sharing the second half of my life with I am starting to grasp the depth of feelings and emotions involved in such a vast thing as love. It makes me almost embarrassed to read these earlier entries, to see what I considered as love. But I also feel so very fortunate to have found a man I am developing such strong feelings for; to have someone that makes me so much more me. It makes me happy to know that in the end of a long day we are going to spend our next day together as well. That I want to talk to him all day long; that I am so thankful our paths have crossed...

I am thankful for having love again in my life. I am thankful I have found the man that the two of us together are a synergism so powerful and whole. I am thankful for every trial, for every false start, for all the lessons I had to learn in order to arrive so ready to the finish line.

Sabbath dinner

Day 703 - my daughter is here for a visit and it is Friday night so we decided to have a nice Sabbath dinner. She had a friend who joined us also so it was like a real family - two parents and two daughters. We had a nice dinner and we just took our time to enjoy the food and the company; lots of laughter and funny stories and more serious talks and we all had just good old time. Since we left home we didn't have this kind of a family time and it was so wonderful I feel so warm and fuzzy at the end of such an evening. My daughter drove her friend back home and called me from the road to tell me she felt the same way. I am so happy just thinking I will be able to give her a gain this warmth of a home she lost, and for me to have the same thing. I talked with my partner afterwords and we both feel like we are together for so long, it really doesn't feel like we are on a trial period, but like we are just there with and for each other; that we are blessing every day the universe for bringing us together, for arranging for our paths to cross. It is a little over a month since we are together and there is no doubt in our minds that we are both here for the long run; until our last day here on this earth. We are talking about doing holidays with our kids and later grandchildren... today showed us how much fun is ahead of us, how wonderful life can be for all of us.
   
I am thankful for an amazing evening; for an experience I didn't enjoy for such a long time. I am thankful to my daughter for being the wonderful young woman she is so warm and accepting, making it so easy for my partner. I am thankful to the universe for bringing this wonderful man into my path. I am thankful for this wonderful part of my journey, hoping never to take him for granted, always keep this fresh look.     

Facebook challenge

Day 702 - For the past few hours I was working on Facebook trying to set a new page for my partner. It took me so many trials to get anything done and it's kind of frustrating since I am sure it can be done so much faster, but I had no one to ask so I had to reinvent the wheel. But at the end of a long evening it looks OK and I am so happy I managed to do that. Next time it will be so much faster (I hope). it is very late, again and my daughter is coming here in a few hours so I want to get few hours of sleep before I have to pick her up.

I am thankful I managed to do what I set up to do, even if it took me such a long time. I am thankful my daughter is coming to visit us today, it means so much to me. I am thankful I can go to sleep now.

A tent in the middle of my living room

Day 701 - We are starting to get ready for the trail. We bought equipment few days ago and delayed the decision about few more items until we'll test what we have. So today when I came home after work we pitched my tent in the middle of the living room and inside we opened the rubber foam mattress and the sleeping bags. We put our backpacks inside and we got in as well to see how comfortable it is and how crowded. We also tried on the thermal cloths and gloves and hats... it is winter after all and a winter in the desert where there's no one to help is not something to take lightly. Well, we came to some serious conclusions - we have to find a better tent; the one I have is too bulky and too heavy. I also have to find a hiking stick. it's too expensive to buy and I only need it here so no reason to buy. but overall we are well equipped  have the right gear and now it is time to start training for the hike. As I write this the winds are howling outside - it's gonna be interesting hike on Friday!

I am thankful for the wonderful evening we spent testing and trying our gear we had so much fun. I am thankful for this amazing man who knows how difficult and testing is the trail and yet is ready to take it again for me. I am thankful for such a special evening. I am thankful we are a big step forward in out preparations for the trail
 

Looking for an apartment

Day 700 - We went to look for an apartment today. It sounds so simple and a matter of fact until I stopped for one moment to think about the meaning of that act. We want to live together; the way we look at it right now we want to share our lives for the rest of our lives. Otherwise we won't take this step. It doesn't cease to amaze me how from day two it was so clear to me (to him even before we met) that we are meant to be together; that we will fall for each other so hard. You hear these stories about love at first sight but by the time one gets to my age, you don't really believe in fairy tales anymore. and then one day, almost out of nowhere, it falls on my head. The day after we met I thought I met my soul mate. our second meeting brought me to say that I think he is the one. and every passing day, every phone call, every day we spend together makes me love him more; make our relationship stronger and more meaningful. I don't know how to contain all the feelings I am swamped with, it's overflowing.
  
I am thankful for every moment of happiness; I have my life experience to know I should never take it for granted. I am thankful for every difficult moment along the way - it brought me to the place where I am today and it brought us together. I am thankful for our decision to move in together; it is such a special moment and I cherish it so much.    

Getting the right gear

Day 699 - I took the first step towards my up coming trip. I bought a new backpack, the right kind for a long hiking trip where I have to carry my house on my back for days on end. It has to be the right kind; sturdy yet light. It has to distribute the weight properly or else I won't be able to do it for the long run. So I bought a backpack. Nice and very light but one that can easily store about 25 lb of the bare necessities. My partner had to buy new hiking shoes. And now, armed with all the goodies we just acquired we have to start training. this coming weekend, rain or shine (and from the weather forecast it looks like rain) we are going to for our first serious hike. More to come...
  
I am thankful for this air of excitement as we getting ready for the upcoming adventure. I am so very thankful I found a partner that find excitement in the same strange place as I do. I am thankful to the point of bursting for this upcoming trip

Billboard announcement

Day 698 - I posted today on Facebook pictures from our hike yesterday. After few "likes" it donned on me that I posted pictured of me and my new partner and its very clear how we feel about each other; I realized it was an announcement to the world that I think I found "the one". Maybe they don't look at it this way, but this is how I felt when I started getting comments about how cute we look together. Was it my subconscious that pushed me to do that? does it really mean anything? It is not the first guy I am dating but it is the first time that I am making it "official". All my friends saw that, probably even my ex, if he bothers to stock me, which he probably doesn't. But I was very happy with it; it felt good and right and I don't mind announcing it since I am very serious about it and with every passing day I feel it more. I didn't believe I will ever feel this way again; I forgot when was the last time I did, but it sure something I welcome into my life with open arms and open heart. These blessed rains that quench my thirst, that of the nomad on the desert roads. It feels like the universe is looking for me, taking care of me and it sure is a wonderful feeling.
  
I am thankful for this happiness long forgotten; I am thankful it fills my days, my life. I am thankful for every magical moment. I am thankful for every tender and loving moment; I feel honored to be the recipient of so much; I hope I can do enough to deserve it.

Saturday hiking

Day 697 - It was an amazing day today; blue sky, warm and sunny and after few days of rain it was nice to be out again. It was not a day for a serious hiking since it rained the day before and the ground was still very wet. My daughter stayed with her adoptive family and I drove about 10 minutes to the north to pick up my boyfriend from his kibbutz. We decided to go for a short hike of 2 hours in an area. I visited the place before but did not really explore it so today was my first time seeing most of this preserve. With all the rains we had this year it was amazing. Everything around was so green and lush and the brook was so full of water; I never seen in my country such fierce flow of water; something to treasure. So we had a wonderful day - we hiked and talked and enjoyed a great day outdoors and later met with my daughter for a late lunch and it was so nice, it felt so good and so right. It was such a great day and it made me so happy I could enjoy it with him. With every passing day I learn to appreciate him more, to love his company to love us. He brings out the good and soft side of me and I feel I do the same for him. We feel like we are walking on a cloud; we both feel like we finally came home. I cannot say enough how wonderful this feeling is of just knowing he is it; after so many disappointments and wrong starts it is almost hard to believe I actually found him; I told him yesterday - I gave the universe a list of what are all the things I want to see in my partner and once I understood what I am looking for and made it clear to the universe - I got my wish; all of it.  
  
I am thankful for such a beautiful day; for an amazing hike, for quality time, real quality time with my partner. I am thankful he and my daughter met; they are both so important to me and I am glad they could talk and like each other. I am thankful for a day spent with him; I enjoyed the hiking so much. I am so thankful it's something he likes doing too. I am thankful for having him in my life. I am thankful for a great weekend with my daughter. 

A different birthday

Day 696 - I drove with my daughter to the kibbutz to visit her adoptive family. It happens to be the kibbutz's 68 birthday and so we went with them to take part in the party. I grew up in a kibbutz so this very naive and innocent atmosphere is something I'm familiar with but still it was so beautiful and different. I really enjoyed it. It is something long forgotten in the city but here in this closed knit society these values and this behavior is the norm and I love it. I am happy we happened to be here on such a day.

I am thankful I got to spend this special day with this wonderful family. I am thankful I have a day with my daughter; I really miss our old routine during her military service. I am thankful for a great day.

Right out of my Bucket List

Day 695 - few years ago I watched the movie The Bucket List with my daughter and I loved the idea of building such a list, of having a list of the things I want to do before I kick the bucket. My list is very long of course; sometimes I joke that it's so long I'll never die, but I slowly go through this list, fulfilling some dreams, scrapping some that I don't see any more as a "must do" and adding new ones; it is a live list and it reflects me and how I feel at any given moment. I really like the idea and it  surprises me that not many more people have such lists. One of the biggest items on my list is hiking the Israel Trail. It is a 940 km long trail, and was recently chosen as one of the 10 best trails in the world. It is a difficult one and special and I have it on my list from the first day I assembled it. During my hikes with my hiking group we walked sections of the trail but the ultimate way to do that is to hike it all at once. At my age and physical condition it will probably take about two and a half months. Can you even imagine - staying outdoors, subjected to the elements for such a long time? walking slowly along the path like a turtle, carrying all my food, water and survival supplies on my back... I am a hopeless romantic, I am also a woman who likes to reach for the impossible, or at least to test her limits to the breaking point. So of course this trail is a big item on my list. Sadly, I cannot just get off the wagon for two months; I cannot just leave my work and go on the road. But I still want to do that. So I figured it is OK to make the trail in 3-4 sections. It still gives me the feeling of being on the road for a long time; it still challenges me with the struggle of utmost exhaustion and weather the elements and being in the desert in the middle of the winter; it is still a timeout I will carve out of my life for something that is both physical and spiritual journey. And as I said a while back my partner already walked this trail in its entirety, and he is ready to walk it again with me. We are planning to start it next month so the next few weeks will be very busy with shopping for the right items, and some serious training so we will not be totally unfit when we hit the trail. It is a serious trail and one should not take it lightly, because it can end badly for the unprepared. I am so excited about this upcoming epic journey; even in sections, it is still a huge feat. And I am so happy I have such an amazing partner for this journey;  I know it will be the most bonding experience one can have. I feel the road is calling me; the next few weeks it will get stronger and it will be so hard to wait for this trip to begin... I am sooo excited about it!!
   
I am thankful the universe brought us together; I don't think I could ask for a better partner. I am thankful for having such a partner that even though he is 8 years older than when he first attempted the trail he is willing to walk it again with me. I am thankful for the weeks of excitement ahead of us as we plan the trail in details and as we start training. I am thankful for this epic journey ahead of us. I am thankful that at the age of 55(almost) I can still dream big and have the stamina and the physical ability to see it through.   

Lighting a candle

Day 694 - I was very tired all day today and I decided to do the unthinkable and go to sleep as soon as I get home. Well, it wasn't really that fast but by 9:30 I was in bed and it is few minutes to 10pm right now and I am ready to act on my promise. Just a few words, to acknowledge the day that passed before. It is 12-12-12 the last time we see this kind of repetitive pattern in our life time. Not really that meaningful but a cute thing never the less. It is also the 5th day of Hannukah and I just realized I didn't write about it at all. It is the holiday of light and I love the symbolism of course. In the middle of the darkness that engulfing us from all over, the days that are getting shorter and the hatred that surrounds us here as a nation,and lets not forget  the personal struggles between people as well, in the midst of all that we get this reminder that light is something we can choose every day to live by. That the tiniest light pushes away a lot of darkness; that sharing the light does not diminishes the source but it sure does cheer and lit more around us; that it is a choice we make each one of us and every single day to live enlightened life or to stay in the dark. I chose the more difficult path of change and I walk the path every single day. I try to make small changes, to read and think and talk about it, I try to live this way, to be more aware to be actually present in my life. And so this holiday means so much more for me this year. It's a reminder and a reward it is the symbol by which I want to live for the rest of my life.
 
I am thankful for the journey I embarked on several years ago, it's been a hell of a ride. I am thankful to the man who gave me now the needed tools to make it in a more systematic and structured way. I am thankful for every candle I lit, for every little darkness I can chase away. I am thankful for the blessings in my life.

A late night record

Day 693 - once again it's way too late. Once again I don't take care of my sleep time. interesting, very interesting subject but somehow I will have to learn to go to sleep on time; or else I am setting myself for a very bad outcome. exhaustion. I am burning the candle at both ends. tomorrow I will go to sleep as soon as I am back home from work. I have to make up the hours.

I am thankful for yet another very important talk. I am thankful it is a journey I am taking with a partner who is ready to listen and communicate in a way I think might work better; it makes me happy to see this kind of exchange, it gives me hope. but right now I am most thankful for the three hours of sleep ahead of me; I sure need every minute of them.

Dinner at home

Day 692 - A stormy night, the winds are hauling, and it's getting colder. What is better in a day like that then to stay safely home, prepare a good dinner and later study? So he is a chef and I have to admit it is so wonderful. I am not used to a man cooking for me/us but a chef is a huge step forward. he makes the most delicious things from the simplest ingredients, he knows how to manage the food so to minimize waste, all things I am not very good at and very happy and thankful for finally learning these important skills. But most of all it is so wonderful to have my man cook for me with love and care, with so much passion for healthy food. I just love it.

I am thankful for an amazing day that started late and continued deep into the night again. I am thankful for this very special pleasure of eating gourmet food every single day. I am thankful for coming home and not having to start making dinner. I am thankful for hours of studying in the course of tarot, and today was the tower card - a very interesting card, for sure - and as always, I am thankful for having him as my teacher. I am thankful for his tender love and care.

The devil

Day 691 - I was reading today the devil card. It talks about our inner demons. As one embarks on the path of self discovery these demons will raise their ugly heads as well. With every step I take forward, with every new truth I find, they will try to pull me back to where I was before, or pull me into new traps and detours. It is part of the journey to uncover these negative forces and influences in my life, both internal and external and deal with them until they are no longer a threat to me. The main problem is of course to unveil them. they are so good at disguise, they look so innocent, they pretend that it is best for me. So now I have to sit back and check my everyday life, my assumptions and the little voices whispering in my ear and separate the good from the bad, keep the first and solve the later. Now I have to find out what are my demons, what is holding back from getting forward on my journey for self discovery, of fulfillment. Only by giving them name and face, only by bringing it out of the unconscious mind and into the light I can make them go away, I can clear my path and go forward. So far I feel this is one of the most difficult tasks and I feel a little uneasy - facing my demons, brrrr.
  
I am thankful for one more card, one more set of instructions, one more suggestion of how to make my life better. I am thankful for the challenges and the little triumphs. I am thankful for even attempting to take steps in the right directions. I am thankful for one more wonderful day.        

A very special weekend

Day 690 - there were very heavy rains last might that made hiking in the mountains today unpleasant but we didn't want to stay home all day so we decided to go to the beach and stroll there. Not exactly the most challenging hike but a few hours of fresh air and a little workout are always something good. And the company made it a perfect outing. I keep writing day after day how amazed I am at finding someone that has the same values that are so important to me; that we see things eye in eye. And I keep getting signs all the time of that similarity. That after five days we are together all the time and even more intense weekend of hours upon hours of talking, I am looking forwards to more of these talks. That for the first time in so many years my heart is overflowing with emotions. That we keep making crazy plans for next month and next year...

I am thankful for the blessings in my life. I am thankful that at my age I have finally met a man that is everything I was looking for; that after less than a month we are dating I can see us spending our lives together, we both can. I am thankful that I found in me the courage and ability to trust and to love again. 

A very late Friday night

Day 689 - another very long night. We were talking and talking and suddenly I looked at the clock and found out it's almost 4 am. I love the fact we have so much of common interests but it is so very late I am going to sleep now and will write more tomorrow, I will also try to be more responsible.

I am thankful for a wonderful evening. I am thankful for a good night sleep.

A candid talk

Day 688 - a very long and sincere talk deep into the night. Not everything was easy but I appreciate so much the candid way in which it was presented and the willingness to open up in such a way. A lot to think about for sure, to contemplate and decide how we want to go about things. But I have to admit that it really didn't  change much the way I looked at our relationship, just brought one more unknown parameter into the equation, something that can be solved if we'd put our minds to it. It makes me face my values as well as my fears; it makes me admire him for being able to live in this way and not buckle.

I am thankful for the truth that shined through today. I am thankful for the trust, the sincerity the willingness to open up completely. I am thankful to be who I am and have the set of values I have. I am thankful that even at this junction I think of solutions instead of running for cover.

A brief moment in time

Day 687 - we met on the boardwalk not far from my work. He walked there all the way from my house, about two hours walk. It doesn't fail to impress me how much he likes hiking. We walked on the boardwalk and later set there watching the stormy sea and watching the day slowly folding before driving back home. It something so small; two middle age people seating, hugging and watching the sea; something that for no one else probably merits a second glance, but for me it was a moment so special and dear, encapsulated, whole. So many times I talked about this special someone to do just that and for a brief moment in time I was there. It felt so heart warming and right; fuzzy. I wanted the moment to last forever, this brief moment in time; this simple joy from which life is weaved.

I am thankful for having this amazing moment so simple and tender. I am thankful for tiny pleasures like that from which my life become enriched and full. I am thankful for this wonderful man in my life who makes me so happy and soft. I am thankful for an amazing day.

The rain

Day 686 - The winter is finally here with rain showers and strong winds. I am here at home and since the house is not air tight I can hear and feel the winds, but luckily it is not cold yet so I can enjoy the fact that I can be tucked safely here with a man I like very much and just listen to what's going on outside and not be part of it. Suddenly I thought of the birds who have nowhere to go but duck and weather it or worse yet homeless people that have to be outside in a night like that. I fell so blessed for having a shelter and strong walls to protect me for the gale, that I have a roof over my head. As much as I always say that money is not something I care much about but in a day like that I am thankful I can afford to rent a place and not be subjected to the elements.

I am thankful the winter have come; our country is a very dry one and these rains are so very important. I am thankful I can enjoy this rain from the safety of my home and not being part of it. I am thankful for my roof and walls and warm bed. I am thankful I can share this cold evening with someone dear to me. 

Tenderness

Day 685 - another night of very long talks on the phone. Hours upon hours of deep and very personal conversations; of allowing another human being to see my wounds and battle scars, and he was doing the same in front of me. This is the epitome of intimacy, of getting close and personal, of getting to know each other, just as we are. With no masks and no pretense. It is so difficult for me to stay present when I feel overflown with emotions; it is hard to stay and not close off, to ignor all the alarms, knowing full well my heart will break if this won't work and not brace it, but leave it open and soft. But his love and endless tenderness, his patience and ability to accept it all creates a safe heaven for me. I did not even realize how hurt I still am until now. We talked about something that brought past memories and suddenly my eyes flooded with tears. As much as I try, I don't get it how a man can hurt so much the people he suppose to love the most, how I stayed in that place for so many years, how I allowed it to happen, how I was so blind. The tenderness opened the gates of the dam; the gates of my tears. I am crying but i know it is cleansing for me. And I feel that regardless of the outcome of this relationship , of what the future holds for us together, he is a gift sent to me from above and I am so very thankful for that. 

I am thankful for this blessing I found when I least expected. I am thankful for lessons I needed of how to love again; of how to open up and allow a man to touch my heart in such a way. I am thankful for every tear I shed today; it shows me I am taking the right steps, that I am on the right way to recovery. I am thankful for having him in my life and my heart.