A Wonderful Day

Day 499 – I didn’t have time to go to my creative writing class but I did go to my painting class and I am so glad I did. My teacher is going to be away for the next three weeks and last time I really didn’t like working with his sub, so I don’t think I’m going to attend the class until he is back. Another thing he told us is that when he’s back we are going to do one class outdoors and this is something I’m very excited about. I keep thinking lately that I have to go out with my painting and when I’m doing nature painting I should do the real thing and not from a picture so I am looking forward to this class. Next week I can’t go to class anyway since I am away of the city on a work related trip. But the two weeks after that I am going to be here, but I not in class, or maybe I should try it one week and see if it works for me now that I am a little more independent. But I really appreciate the fact that I found a teacher that is so good and so special. I also started a new painting today. it’s far from finished and there are some serious errors I’ll have to fix with het lower half, but I still like the picture very much. so over all a very good Thursday night even with all the work.

 

I am thankful for opportunities, for guidance and for inspiration I get from my class and through my teacher. I am thankful for quality time I get to spend doing something I really like. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, even though I have to be tomorrow at work. I am thankful my daughter is here this weekend. I am thankful for a wonderful day.

Almost In The Eye Of The Storm

Day 498 – I can complain about another very long day, or I can choose to talk about something else and since I complain every day in the past week it is time to take a fresh look at the whole thing. I don’t even want to call it an ordeal since there is so much I learned from it, especially about myself. I learned that I function very well under stress, that I am an excellent organizer; that I can handle hundreds of small details and have them all; that I can see the big pictures. And as much as I complain, I actually enjoy it as we get closer to the end and all start to fall into place. I told a friend today – it’s like a hurricane – the calm as we get into the eye of the storm. I’m in charge of so many events and I just enjoy seeing how it all comes together. The next few days will be devoted to finish every little detail and then the orchestra starts and once the first note are flowing - it’s show time. we are the little ants that their job is to make someone lese shine but I like it; I don’t do that to get the glory, I know my self-worth and those who need to know that, do as well and this is all that matter. For a while I was thinking that I should do that as a business but I don’t want to flood my life with too much work and with too much stress and too little me time. So I will keep doing it intermittently and in between enjoy down time and more quality time for me. But I love the challenge, I will that honest and admit to it, but I will not allow it to be my life and to take over. I cherish my after work activities, hopefully some romance will get into my life as well and I will never allow work to become the center of it. I will never allow work to define me and to create or establish my self-worth.  

  

I am thankful for opportunities I get that I never thought I will. I am thankful for the things I learned about myself. I am thankful for the challenges, for the tests that are coming my way every single day in the past month. I am thankful just as well that it is alost over and I will get my life back, the way it was before. 

An Act Of Kindness

Day 497 – another 12 hours day. I am getting tired of it and just tired, so tired. I was planning to go dancing tonight but I think it’s a bad idea. I am so tired and tomorrow will be just the same, so the best thing to do right now, the most caring action is simply to go to sleep and I am going to do just that finish this very short entry and go to bed. Sometimes just taking care of my physical needs makes me feel better and I’ll be stronger and sharper tomorrow, few days before the end of this crunch time. I am so tired, my words don’t even make sense and I cannot think a whole sentence. So I am going to sleep as an act of kindness.

  

I am thankful I can go to sleep now, I am dead tired. It is my granddaughter’s first birthday today and I am thankful I got to talk to my daughter today and congratulate her; next year I might be able to talk to the birthday girl already!!

About Overload Of Work

Day 496 – It was a very long day that started at 5:30 in the morning and now it’s 12:30am and I am not in bed yet. I spent more than 12 hours in the office; way more than I ever wanted to, way less than I should. It is crunch time. We have only few more days to finish everything and so many things are still open. So my tomorrow will probably look the same. But I came home dead tired and decided to go out just to get some fresh air, have a coffee (tea again) with a friend. The nights are so nice this time a year and it was so lovely to seat outside and talk. Soon the evenings will be hot and humid but right now the weather is perfect. I am so happy I decided to go out, as tired as I was; I really needed that after such a long and stressful day. But now I have to go to sleep. I hope I will find in me the strength to do something special for myself every day in the coming week, even with all the work and the pressure. I am saying it for the hundredth time – I don’t understand how people will choose to live like that on a regular basis, why would they choose it as a way of life. How can one be a whole person when all he does is work?  And most of them don’t do the extra caring activities to balance it; they just work and sleep. I am counting the days to the end, that’s what keeps me going; I would not be able to do that with no end in sight.

 

I am thankful for a long day that is coming to its end. I am thankful for a very interesting talk with my friend. I am thankful that in less than a week the event will start unfolding and our work will culminate and be done. I am thankful this is not the story of my life, just a very short chapter and as such I can even enjoy it a little, knowing full well the end is near. I am thankful for having poorer yet reacher life because of these kind of choices.  

Looking At Old Pictures

Day 495 – It's a holiday so I was able to spend a very relaxed day at home. I went to the market in the morning, with my daughter, to buy some ingredients for dinner and I didn’t leave since then. I read a little and then decided to get back to my book. I looked through some old journals I wrote to remind me of the time, I marked few entries as very relevant to my story. I looked through old pictures and I almost cried when I saw pictures of me on the last five years of our marriage. I remembered how unhappy I was, how bad I felt about myself. I could see in the pictures the low self-esteem, the bad body image and my heart ached for this woman who I once was. I hate the fact that I gave the reign of my life's wagon in the unkind hands of someone else; that even faced with all the verbal and emotional abuse I did nothing to protect myself and even worse, I started to believe all he was saying about me; I loathed myself as much as he did. I looked at these old pictures and couldn't keep looking. I look older than I look now, and with no internal flame; a walking dead, a zombie. I looked at these pictures and the memories came rushing back; how the hell did I allow all this to happen? How did I allow someone to hurt me so badly and did nothing in my defense? How did I stay for so many years?

Someone asked me few days ago if I would go back to my marriage and to my ex, and I said that there is nothing in the world that can make me do that. Looking at the pictures today I know even more forcefully that nothing, absolutely nothing can make me shrink back to that miserable woman I once was, that I prefer to live with no money and no partner but to be happy as I am today. I work hard every day, I have very little to my name right now; I have to calculate every expense I make and there are days when I am very lonely and I would love to have someone to hug me and love me. But every single day I am thankful I mastered the courage to leave my golden cage and save my life. I regret many things I did in my life; I never, not even once, regretted leaving my home and my husband; if I regret anything about that it is just that I wish I did it years before.

  

I am thankful I am not the same woman as the one I saw today in the old pictures. I am thankful she is not here anymore and I hope she’ll never come back. I am thankful I was able to heal the deep wounds years of abuse did to my soul, to my self-esteem. I am thankful to all my wonderful friends, and to my wonderful children, who help me understand that I am a worthy woman, that I have a lot to offer, that I am special. I am thankful I was able to salvage the rest of my life by leaving my marriage. I am thankful, so thankful I found in me the courage to take that leap of faith and jump into the unknown, and like in the stories – I leaped and the net appeared. 

Bar Mitzvah Party

Day 494 – Early this morning, after less than two hours of sleep, I drove to the Kibbutz where my daughter stayed during her military service. A family adopted her there and they were absolutely amazing to her and she loves them very much. They were also so kind to include me in this close circle of family and friends and I love them very much; they are such a warm and loving family. This morning was the Bar Mitzvah of their son and I that was the reason of the early drive. It was a wonderful day; first in the synagogue and later we did a hike in the nicest national park in the north of our country and we finished the day in a restaurant. It was really a wonderful event; my first Bar Mitzvah since I moved here and a very different one, very much like my own style of very intimate and no show-off event. This is one of the things I like about this family; they are very warm and welcoming and no show-off at all, very down to earth people. This is a breath of fresh air compared to the place I came from two years ago were show-off is the name of the game. I am so happy to be in a place and among people that are deeply rooted into the soil of this land, into the fabric of life here.

 

I am thankful to be included in this family’s circle of family and close friends. I am thankful to be among people who are the grassroots of this country and I am even more thankful to see my daughter's and my own roots getting longer and to realize we are a little more part of the landscape here with every passing day. I am thankful I managed to find the stamina and drive on empty, basically, but made it to the ceremony and the after party. I am thankful I can go to sleep now; I don't remember being so tired in a very long time. 

A Fun Day

Day 493 – It’s Friday, usually a day off for me but not today. I spent few hours at work. But it was a good day regardless. My daughter came here yesterday so we spent the morning together before she left and only then I went to the hospital. I worked for a few hours but no one was there so I could put my music in full volume so I had a good time; and to make it a very special day indeed I drove directly to the beach and spent the next two hours there watching the day coming to its end. I also met friends there so it was especially nice. When I came home I worked some more on my latest picture and I am again at a point I cannot continue without my teacher. I don’t know what else I can do, it looks done to me. So over all it was a very good day, work and all. I am very happy that I learned to pay extra attention to nourish my soul on times of high demands. This way when I look at my day I can focus on the other things I did and not on the few hours of work and it makes me all happy, especially the painting. I have very little time to see friends these days so I cherish every time I see or speak with someone, but it will all get back to normal in less than three weeks. I can do it!

  

I am thankful for a great day with my daughter, with my friends and with my paintings. I am thankful I spent time on the beach. I am thankful that at the end of the day I am one day closer to the finish line, with fewer items on my “to do” list. It is very late again and I am thankful I can go to sleep now.

    

Few Hours of Calm

Day 492 – with the crazy times I am going through right now at work Thursday classes are even more important for my serenity, it give me few hours of quite, few hours of “me time”. I was late to my creative classes and I didn’t prepare anything – no time for that of course – but still enjoyed the class very much. And the highlight of the day’s activities is my painting class of course. I didn’t finish my painting yet, I’m almost done. But the important thing today was the calm that surrounded me as I started working. I was so busy painting I didn’t even realized it until now; I started painting and all my fatigue and stress were gone. I was calm and focused and just so much “in the moment” and all residues of the exhausting week were gone. I was just there and the hectic world was miles away. So the healing qualities of the brush don’t stop at relieving sadness but it goes further and lifts my weariness. It is in times like this that I bless with all my heart the presence of something so special in my life; the fact that I found this class, this amazing teacher; for this gift from the heavens…

I am thankful, so very thankful for all the gifts I am getting in my life; for good things and bad. I am thankful for all the craziness at work right now; it makes me realize that I don’t ever want to work like that again; that I hope I never will. It also makes me appreciate even more how wonderful a day without any ups and down can be; and I am very thankful for that. But today first and foremost I am thankful I have something I can do for myself at times of high stress and that I know that if I don’t have the time for it, I have to make the time, because this is when I need it most. I am thankful for this realization and for the healing power it carries on its wings.    

Pensive Evening

Day 491 – Another day in the trenches, another day that gets me closer to the end of this ordeal. I cannot wait for it to be over. Meanwhile I am trying to get some balance. I met a friend of mine for tea on the beach and we talked there for almost 5 hours; she is struggling right now the way I did few years ago and I wish for them to be able to overcome it; to find again the path to each other’s heart, to find a way to stay together, build new meanings, keep it all together. It makes me sad sometimes to think of all that was lost because of this divorce, especially home and family; and even if both of us will have new partners and rebuild our livesat some point, we cannot recover these things, they are lost forever. What a sad thought! 
 

I am thankful that my hesitation period is long behind me. I am thankful for peace of mind for the courage to ask questions and find answers. I am thankful for the present my friend gave me – to be on the advisor side of the equation; to be able to look at the whole thing from a different perspective. I am thankful for a very pensive night, even though it maked me sad. 

Another great wedding

 Day 490 – I just came back from the wedding of my niece. It was so beautiful and so moving. I saw this young couple and they love each other so much and they were so happy and I wish them with all my heart that this love will never leave their lives. That they’ll be smart enough to navigate life’s challenges together and keep their love strong. That today they married each other for eternity and that nothing will ever tear them apart. I love them and I wish them that even in moments of unhappiness, that are part of life, they will be able to keep the light of their love burning strong. This is going to be a very short entry. I am dead tired after two hours driving in each direction and a wedding and a full day of work, so I’ll dive into bed right now. 

I am thankful I could attend this wedding, even though it meant I had to give up my Italy trip. I am thankful to my friends who talked to me all the drive back home. I told these two dear friends I’m dead tired today and between the two of them they covered the shift all the way from the wedding hall back to my city, 2 hours away. I am going to sleep now, good night!!  

  

Taking Care of Some Burning Issues

Day 489 – I had to cancel my participation in the tour of my class and my role in it as the tour director. Something came up at work and I cannot take that day off. So a last minute change and I dropped the ball on two of my class mates that were kind enough to take it upon themselves. But I didn’t do as much as I was supposed to due to the amount of work I had so tonight when I came back from class I had to do it. For the past three hours I was planning the trip minute by minute and adding all the presentation by our classmates. So now it is in a good enough stage that I can pass it on. I am lucky I know the city well and I also did the same route two years ago with a group I brought here from abroad. I was not the guide but I listened well and I could plan the trip. Something that would take anyone else a few days I finished here in a matter of hours. I only had to check operation hours to make sure we are not going to miss anything.  I was planning to do some more work at home for my job, but this had a priority. I cannot hand down someone else, who is doing me a favor, a mess and ask him to clean it. But now my work is almost done and I feel much better about it. I am sad I cannot join this trip and I have to check with my instructor how I can make up for this trip, but this is something I’ll have to handle later. Right now I solved the issue at hand and this is the most important thing.

I am thankful my friends came to the rescue and stepped into my shoes to take over the leadership of the trip. I am thankful I finished planning the trip, and now it’s off my plate; I have to admit it was very stressful to know I have so much work to do and the time is getting very sort. I am thankful this mounting pressure that I have to endure right now is not my normal routine; with every passing day I can understand even less how some people, my ex included, can live like that all the time; it drains you and leave you no time for yourself. I am so thankful this craziness is over in less than three weeks.

It's My Son's Birthday Today

Day 488 – I am working in the same hospital were my son was born and I came to work very early today, interestingly enough it was the same time he was born 26 years ago and it was so strange. It is my son’s 26^th birthday today and I am on the other side of the globe and cannot do more than call him and congratulate him and I really don’t like that. It is his second birthday in a row that I miss and it is just not OK. I don’t have much to say about it, it just makes me sad. I am in such a crunch time at work that I just could not take off and fly to be with him. I talked about it few days ago. I am a mom to grown up children and they are busy with their lives and I am busy with mine and I am afraid we are drifting apart. It’s very difficult but I think it is part of growing up. Even my youngest daughter who lives here in this country is talking about renting her own place when she’ll be out of the military. So yes, it is the natural course of events, and actually as a parent we want to see just that; but it doesn’t make it easier. It just underlines my situation as a single woman, all alone, and takes off the veil of illusion I would like to hide behind sometimes. So yes, it is my son’s birthday but he has his own life and my part in it is very little, and if I’ll come to visit more often it will be a little bigger, but not much. He is just starting to live his life with a serious girlfriend and about to graduate from college next month and now he has to start living a grownup’s life. It is only befitting he’ll celebrate it with his new family and not with me. Saying that, I am planning to fly back to see him and my oldest daughter and her family next month.

 

I am thankful for being able to talk to my son on his birthday even if it is from 10,000 miles away. I am thankful to technology that enables us to stay in touch even if we are so far away from each other. I am thankful I am still on this earth and so I will see him again soon, even if not on his birthday. I am thankful to see him growing up and finding his own course, so different than anyone could predict, so unique to him. It makes my heart almost overflow with joy and I am so very thankful for that. 

In an Attempt to Achieve Balance

Day 487 – I went to sleep very late yesterday and so today was declared a slow day. I woke up late and did some work. I read, listened to music and just had a good time. I even cooked dinner, which sadly I didn’t do for quite some time now.  True, I also logged a few hours of work but less than I expected and I was very happy when I finished since now at least I know exactly what awaits me in the coming few weeks. I put everything into an Excel spreadsheet and I can sort it by days, so every day I know what I have to do and I will not forget things. I figured with this amount of work it is the best way to manage the work flow. So I worked on the weekend, which I am not happy with and see it as a necessary evil but my week will be so much more organized and efficient.

  

I am thankful I finished my work load for today and I even found time to have an enjoyable day. I am thankful I got to spend time with my daughter and do some serious grown-ups stuff. I am thankful it is so seldom I have to give up a weekend to deal with work issues. I am thankful for a great weekend despite all the work; that even with all that pressure I could still find some balance between work and pleasure. 

About Cell Phones and Friendships

Day 486 – It’s Friday night and I was at home all by myself doing some work when one of my friends called. He was on the road and had time on his hand so he called me to keep himself entertained. We had a nice talk for almost an hour, had time to catch up and hear all the news and I was really happy he called. Later in the evening another friend called. He was on his way here, to my city and was very tired and called me; we talked for an hour and it was very interesting. We talked about so many things and I like his very fresh and nonconventional ideas, it was fun. Few hours later I had another phone call from a friend, by now it was really late already, and another 40 minutes passed by. I never really paid attention before to how much time I actually spend on the phone. Today I spent about 5 hours on my phone!! I think I better put an end to this cycle. And even though I really like each one of these friends, the accumulating effect is just too much. I’ll have to learn to cut calls to the minimum, or I’ll do nothing else all day. It’s amazing how this little device changed our lives and not always for the better. We are always available, always ON. I’m not saying I want to go back to the days before cell phones. Every time I get lost while driving, or try to find someone I scheduled to meet somewhere, or talk to my kids I bless this little device; but I have to pay more attention to its addicting effects and to add time management skills to its use, or it will take over my life.

I am thankful I got to talk to all my friends and catch up; it was fun and I truly enjoyed it. I am thankful for this wonderful invention – the cell phone; I just have to use some judgment while using it. I am thankful for friendships I never take for granted, for all these wonderful people that are part of my life here and make me feel so at home, make the move back here to my country the best thing I ever did for myself. I am thankful for yet another wonderful day.

The Perfect Antidote

Day 485 – I went to sleep very early yesterday, at 9 pm I was already in bed, and few minutes later I was asleep. I woke up this morning at 5 am and took my time getting ready, and still got to work a little after 6, just like in the first year I moved here. It made me really happy to see once more the empty streets, and even more so the bay few minutes after sunrise. It was so beautiful I had to stop my car and take a few pictures. I missed this in the past few months. So I came early to work and was refreshed and very productive, but at the end of the day I still have endless amount of work piled in front of me as if I did nothing all day. I had to take work home, like every day this week. It’s very discouraging to look at the amount of work, knowing I am going to work for hours this weekend in an attempt to put a dent in it, and to catch up with the most urgent things. But the good thing is that it is all over in about three weeks, so this is a mad dash to the finish line. I have to admit, I can’t wait for it to be over. I so don’t want to see my life so swamped by work. 
But even with all this I am trying to do some things for myself this past week. I had CPR training in my TD course. I went to the beach four times, so I saw four sunsets on the beach in one week; I went to a dance where I met a very nice guy and had a great time and went to a second dance with him; I went to my creative writing class, to my painting class and I even painted one day at home this past week; and today I saw the sunrise again. Not too bad for one week, especially when I have so much work.  

  

I am thankful this is not my routine and I feel the need to apologize to myself for the beating I am taking for the next three weeks. I am thankful for this conviction I have to do things for my soul. I am thankful for friends who call and understand and will still be there at the end of the crunch time. I am thankful for small breaks I take that charge me and fill me with good and positive energy the perfect antidote to the difficult period I'm in. 

I'm Late, I'm late...

Day 484 – Apparently, 3 hours of sleep are not enough for me anymore. And after having way too much fun yesterday I am opting for a very quiet evening and a very early bed time. Not only was I tired, I also forgot a very important meeting I had this morning and I set my alarm clock for exactly the same time I was already supposed to meet a group of visitors. I jumped out of bed and I think I set a new world record of how fast one can get ready to work and get out the door and still look representable. I managed to do serious damage control and reduce the effect of my short comings today; I was very level headed, and while driving I called several people to cover for me what had to be taken care until I arrived at work.  But I was very upset with myself. Something like this never happened to me before and it shouldn’t have. I learned my lesson – even if I go out in the middle of the week I am coming back home in a normal hour and definitely not so late. And I’ll check my schedule for the next day before going out, when I am not too tired to remember how my next day looks like. 
The first step in the AAA program is to admit to being powerless  - I admit being powerless against this evil voice in me who tempts me every time to push my bed time a little further into non-existence, that tempts me to do other things instead of sleeping. I am powerless against it, but tonight I am going to take an active step in the right direction. It is 8:30 pm and I am posting my blog and getting ready to bed. Good Night.

  

I am thankful I managed to put off the fire, but I am still not happy it happened. I am thankful I had so much work today I didn’t have time to dwell on these hard feelings; although I think the overload I am in right now is part of why it happened to begin with. I am thankful I had so much fun yesterday, even when I know the end of the story. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, I am so, so tired.    

Mid-Week Fun

Day 483 – I got a phone call today from a friend I met few days ago at the dance, asking me if I feel like dancing tonight. Apparently there is a dance here in town every Tuesday night; very low key, very cool crowd. At the beginning I said no, I had so much work I brought with me that I was planning to finish tonight and then I thought better of it – why not? I was already after two hours I worked on the beach in a café and after a full day at work. Why shouldn’t I go out and have some fun? So he came to pick me up at 9 pm, we went to the beach (again) for an hour and then we went to the dance. And it was so much fun! Just the idea of going to a dance in the middle of the week is cool and we stayed there until the wee hours of the night. It is 4 am now, and I am going to be very tired tomorrow, but it was totally worth it.

  

I am thankful for another sunset on the beach, even if I did it again surrounded by my work. I am thankful to my friend for not accepting no for an answer and asking one (or two) more times until I decided to go. I am thankful for such a special evening; I had an amazing time.

CPR Certification

Day 482 – Today in my Tour Guides class we had CPR training. I did parts of it in the past; I was in PANDA so I learned triage and how to treat some injuries but I never took the whole course. And going through all the stuff it became clear to me that I should have done it years ago; that every parent and every member of our society should learn that. We never know when this knowledge will become handy; when we might be able to change the course of events for someone. It might be the difference between life and death. I sure am happy I learned it before I go on the road with a group as their tour guide. I said it few times already and I'll say it once again, I took this course before moving here and I am so happy I decided to take it again. We didn’t learn CPR there; and I sure think it is such an important Skill to have.

  

I am thankful I finally took the CPR class; and I sure hope I’ll never have to use any of the things I learned today. With every lesson we take I feel more qualified and a better TG and I am thankful for that.  

Mother's Day

Day 481 – It’s Mother’s Day today and I am here all alone. Two of my children are in a different country and one is here but in the military. It brings the philosopher in me into play, of course. What is the meaning of parenthood and our role as our children get older. Mine are all grown up by now and my oldest daughter is a mother herself by now. Our part in the circle of life is completed. We brought up our children and they can function on their own and contribute to nature in the only way that counts – reproduce. My job here on earth is done as far as nature is concerned, and so it is very befitting to commemorate the day alone. Now it is time for our generation to bow out and leave the stage for our offspring. I have no plan to actually leave yet, not to worry; I still enjoy every day of my life, I still have so many plans. But none of them has to do with my number one role that I already fulfilled and today celebrate – being a mother. It was the best job I ever had; I wish it didn’t pass so quickly and with all the ups and downs I never, even for one day, regretted being a mom, having these three amazing children. I can’t even imagine my life without them; I wouldn’t want to. I never could and never will understand people who choose not to experience this wonderful thing, being a parent.

 

I am thankful to have three wonderful children. I am thankful for the opportunities to live life in a totally different way with them. I am thankful for the phone calls and wishes from them today. I am thankful I can still be here and enjoy them year after year; and I hope I have many more years to do that.    

I Need A Shoulder To Cry On

Day 480 – I had a very interesting discussion with a friend today about relationships at our age. What is it really we are looking for – someone we can tolerate most of the time; a person that the sum of his qualities is a little bigger than the sum of his short comings. Someone who can give us a shoulder when we want to cry and a hug when we are lonely; someone who can be a partner when we are happy as well. But we are shooting so high and looking for the starts instead of understanding that heaven is here on earth; we just cover it with so much drama that it is hidden from us. A day that started in so much fun the three of us went berries picking and later very late lunch in nature, ended in a very serious note and now all I want is a hug so I won’t be so lonely and I don’t have it. Because what I had was not good enough for me and what I cannot have is what I want; and because I made the  choice to leave everything behind and move back to my country; because two of my children are 10,000 miles away from me... 
It’s early evening and I am home all alone, surrounded by my loneliness; I so need a shoulder right now, or at least a hug! and a shoulder that was offered to me so kindly few minutes ago, I rejected. So, I guess I need to cry all alone after all and dream of the right shoulder. 

 

I am thankful for a wonderful day with my friends and for this very serious conversation that through me off; it’s an important topic even if uneasy. I am thankful for being sad and lonely tonight; it doesn’t happen often and when it does, it brings with it new understandings and clarity.

   

Dancing the Night Away

Day 479 – I went with two of my friends to a dance tonight and it was so much fun!! We always have a good time there but tonight was even better, and funnier. One of my friends lives in the area for many years so she knew a lot of people in the dance. Originally she didn’t want to come since she was in a very bad mood after a lousy date, but I convinced her in multiple calls, including two already from the dance to join us and she finally she did. She was talking to one guy and introduced us and the three of us danced together for a while, loosely together. After a few minutes I went outside, to the other room to grab something to drink and on my way someone started to talk to me. Few minutes later he came and asked me to dance with him; I don’t know why but I agreed and it was really bad. He smelled bad and was a very simple guy and he wanted to continue dancing. I didn’t know what to do so I said I have to grab something to drink and went out passing one my way out guy number one, the one my friend introduced to me earlier, and told him he has to help me and dance with me. And so he did. And I found out he is a very interesting guy and we danced the rest of the evening together and it was so nice. I had a really good time and I met a very nice guy, and even with all the noise around we managed to carry an intelligent conversation so all good things. Both of my friends also found dancing partners so we all had a good evening. I came back home at 3 am!! It’s really interesting, on our way to the dance we were talking and I told my friend that one of the things I realize, as I continue talking to guys considering if they are a potential partner, is that I am kind of a snob. If I hear a guy has no education it’s a turn off for me. I need someone that can challenge me intellectually. I like to talk about things that are not news material and for that I need someone more sophisticated. So in the past there were few discoveries about myself I didn’t like, when I found I am a snob in certain things, but here I am OK with it. Because it is not really the education I am looking for but the ability to carry a very intelligent conversation about more than daily life; and I am OK with that. Otherwise I will get bored very fast. This evening events came to prove that.

 

I am thankful I have good friends I can go out and have fun with. I am thankful I managed to convince my friend to join us even though she was in a very bad mood; she had a great time and it is so much better than sitting home and be upset. I am thankful we all help each other in hard times. I am thankful to that guy that came to the rescue when I needed help and turned out to be a very nice dancing partner for the rest of the evening. I am thankful for a great evening.   

  

So Many Things to be Thankful For

Day 478 – It is Thursday again and I was about to write one more time about my classes the creative writing class and the painting class. But I do it every week and even though it is not the same paining every week or the same writing entry it’s still the same idea. So I was trying to think what else can I write about, but Thursday is a very busy day for me and it is only work and then one class and from there I go to the other class and it is almost 10 pm by the time I get home. So what can I write that is not my classes? The most important thing of all – that my daughter is here tonight. This is also almost every Thursday but she was away now for a month and I am so happy she is back and here and most importantly I don’t care how many times I she is here, I am still thankful every single time, I never take that for granted and I am so happy to see her. She was so tired today after a week in the army, so she fell asleep at 3pm and woke up only 7 hours later because she got a phone call and two hours later she is asleep again. So I was able to go to both of my classes while she was asleep and I got to see her and talk to her when she was awake and I will have all morning with her before she goes to the kibbutz. 
I am posting the painting I started tonight, not done yet, but I am very happy with it so far, and it's something I never tried before.    

  

I am thankful it is Thursday again, my favorite day of the week. I am thankful for enriching classes; I enjoyed both very much. I am thankful most of all for my daughter is here tonight and I get to spend some time with her. And I almost forgot, I am thankful I can go to sleep without an alarm clock. As I said before, it’s Thursday, the best day of the week.

My New Office

Day 477 – the coming four weeks are going to be very hectic for us. We have a very big event in the hospital and it’s going to take every free moment we have to make it a success. On top of it I have all the regular visits I am taking care of, in short, my plate is very full and there are days I don’t even know where to start. So today I decided at some point that I am leaving my office and take my work to the beach, I didn’t need the computer so it was doable and at least this way I was enjoying the fresh air and the calm of the beach. If I want to see day light in the next few weeks, I will have to do it regularly. A lot of my work I can do on my laptop with a phone and all the files in front of me, but I don’t need to meet people so I don’t have to physically be in my office. I think it will bring only good things and will take off some of the pressure, so I will try to be out as many days as I can. And hopefully after the craze is over I will be able to take a few days off and relax, but for now, being on the beach is relaxed enough.

  

I am thankful for the brilliant idea to work in an open café on the beach. I am thankful for this wonderful change of atmosphere. I am thankful that my work is flexible enough, and my boss trusting enough, so I can do things like that; it will make the next month bearable.  

I am Considering the Road Less Traveled

Day 476 – I drove today out of the city to one of those places I am considering as my future hometown. At the beginning I was thinking north of the city, but realized that the traffic is horrific in that direction. I was stuck several times for half an hour and more and I heard from a friend that this is the reality both ways morning and eve. And to the south the roads are open and it is also few minutes the train route so I can even use public transportation if I want, another advantage. The disadvantage is that the prices are higher as we go south for rental and for buying; definitely something I have to take into consideration. But I decided to do some scouting and I drove there today; it takes half an hour door-to-door the same time that it takes me to get to my house in the city itself because of traffic, Even though I drove 22 more kilometers!! I didn’t go to see houses yet, I just wanted to feel the place in the evening when all the tourists are gone. I set in a coffee house and did some work and looked around and later I walked the main street of the old section of town, the most sought after area. And I liked it all. Now I just have to see if I can find anything in my price range that I also like. The supply is very low, especially for the smaller homes, and this is what I am looking for. I don’t want a big home, I don’t need that. I am working with two realtors and hopefully in the next few weeks I will find a nice home. But regardless, I enjoyed this very different afternoon.

 

I am thankful for this opportunity for a pleasant afternoon in this very quaint town; I hope one day I will be able to call it home. I am thankful for opportunities to do things differently; it is not a given and I am very thankful for that. I am thankful to so many opportunities open to me if I only dare to look in hidden places. I am thankful to my friends who are helping and encouraging me to make this bold move.  

Real Life Training as a Tour Director

Day 475 – We have another trip to a destination as part of our training in the Tour Directors Course. And for each such tour we need someone to coordinate all the details, basically doing the job of a TD for the day. So I volunteered to do that for the next trip, in three weeks. I talked to the one who did it for the last trip and she said it is a lot of work. I hope it won’t be too much for me, after all I do coordination of tours as my job, almost every day, even if not to the same level of details. One thing for sure, the coming 3 weeks are going to be crazy amount of work for me at work so I hope I didn’t take too much, but worst case scenario, I’ll appoint someone as my assistant and delegate some of the work. But I figured, it is a good practice and I can do it under the guidance of our instructor – what a better way to learn the intricacies of the job. It is also a test for me to make sure I can do it and I enjoy it, again in the friendliest environment. So I see no down side to it, except for the overload I am in right now, but hey, that’s part of the fun as well; again, it mimics real life situations. So tonight I already started, by creating the most updated mailing list and sending an email to everyone with all the topics we have to present during the day and asked everyone to sign up for a topic. In the next few days I’ll have to create a plan the trip in details, minute by minute and arrange visits to all the different places, walks, stops etc. I am so excited about that!!

 

I am thankful I get to do this job of being the tour director for a full day, as training and under supervision. I am thankful for my friends who are so willing to help in any way and I know they will make it as easy and painless as possible. I am thankful for a very interesting lesson today about preparing a trip that taught me so much about how to prepare for my final project. I am thankful to my friend for a very kind phone call today, for the trust he placed in me.  

Confused!!

Day 474 – I am starting to think about buying a home. I live in rented apartments for the past two years and it really doesn’t feel like home. I cannot buy too much furniture since I don’t want to move it later and also I don’t know how it will fit into the next one. With that in mind, two days ago I saw a very nice house and I got all excited about it. I even took my daughter to see it and she got excited as well. But I am a realtor by training, even if it’s not in this country I still know that there are hidden things you have to be aware of and I am not familiar enough with the local scene to know them. So this morning I called a good friend of mine who is in the business of building and selling homes for many years and ask for a professional advice and he was very clear about it – don’t do that, it’s not a good investment. It is a neighborhood that for many years didn't mount to expectations and it probably will not be a good place to invest. For the same price I can get something much better here in our city and get a much better rent, a much better return on my investment. His advice was buy where the ROI is the best and rent wherever you want to live. As a realtor, I know that this is a sound advice, I would tell people the same thing in an area I am more familiar with the question is do I want to buy for investment or do I want to buy for the quality of my life. And as I ponder this it done on me (with a little help from the outside) that as much as I look for a few bedrooms house, thinking that my daughter might live with me after she is done with the army, she probably won’t. The city I am living in is not an exciting place for a young woman; and she’ll want a place for herself right there in the middle of all the action. So why am I looking for a big place? And won’t I be so lonely living in a very small community on my own? Maybe I should stay right where I am until I’ll figure what I want to do with my life? and... and… so many questions... so many options...I am so confused!!

  

I am thankful for all these questions, even if I am so confused; these are all questions I have to answer in order to keep going. I am thankful for opportunities that are open for me; it is confusing but I feel privileged to be in that position. I am thankful to my friend for taking the time and helping me, for sound advice and for friendship. and, as always, I am thankful to my daughter, for waring her heart on her sleeve, for caring so much.  

A Sunny Day on the Beach

Day 473 – It is Saturday but I didn’t go for a hike since my knee is hurting too much in the past few days. Instead I went to the beach and stayed there for a few hours reading my book and enjoying a very beautiful day and a very calm sea. It’s not warm enough to go into the water, at least not for me, but it sure was a great day to be on the beach and enjoy the scenery. I think next time I’ll take my canvas and paints with me and also paint it. I am thinking about it for quite some time now and probably I’ll do it one afternoon in the middle of the week when there are not too many people so it won’t draw too much attention. I love the beaches here especially in the afternoon when the light is softer and warmer. It is also so much fun to see how many people are on the beach and all the little kids running around; so much fun to be there even just to do some people watching. So I enjoyed a very relaxing day on the beach with a good book; not as exciting and vigorous as a hike but still I got to enjoy the outdoors and my knee sure needed some rest.

 

I am thankful I live so close to the beach that I can go there whenever I feel like. I am thankful for a wonderful day on the beach. I am thankful again to my friend for hosting me tonight. I am thankful for a very special house I got to see with my daughter today.

I Got the CDs

Day 472 – I am looking for CDs of Matti Caspy for the past few weeks. I went to every music store I knew in my city and could not find any. I asked them to order it for me but two weeks later I still didn’t get it. I found some of his songs on YouTube, but I wanted the real thing, all his music. Today I was in another city an hour away from here to see my dentist, and on my way back I passed a small shopping center and I suddenly remembered a very good music store there that specialize in hard to find CDs. So I decided to go and check – maybe they will what I am looking for. And they did, they had all his CDs! so from finding none before, now I was facing a different kind of a problem -  I had a difficult time deciding which one to buy. I ended up with two compilations of his famous songs, a total of 6 CDs in a very good price. I am so happy about it; he is an amazing artist and I was so happy I found this treasure.

 

I am thankful I finally got to enjoy the enchanting music of Matti Caspi I already ripped it to my computer and to my iPhone. I am thankful for a lovely ride with my daughter. And most of all I am thankful to my friend who invited me to stay with her tonight; we had a lovely evening and I am so thankful for her very warm hospitality.  

A Miracle Man in Action

Day 471 – I am in charge of hosting visits to our hospital. It is a very interesting job since I get to hear about all the amazing work they do in the different departments and the newest inventions and cutting edge technology. I love medicine and find all these related fields very exciting. So it is a real privilege to work in a job like that and hear these things and meet the doctors who are behind it. Today we had a visit of people who came to see a particular machine and part of the visit was a life broadcasting form the catheterization lab. I heard about this procedure a lot but I never got to see it before, and it is just mind boggling for a lay person. They take this small tube and insert it into a beating heart and move it here or there, fix the area that malfunctioned and in a matter of hours someone that was under a serious threat for his health, something that condition might even be fatal, can walk again and be all well.  I set there, looking at the screen and just enjoyed it. The visitors looked at it from a professional point of view, how the machine helps the surgeon do a better job. I looked at it as an exercise in miracle performance – a magic show. And I felt so lucky I got to see it.

 

I am thankful I got to see live catheterization and a very successful one. I am thankful I got such an interesting job that I can be exposed to all these cutting edge technologies, machines and procedures and of course research. I am thankful for a day that passed so fast and at the end of it I had my art class and my creative writing class. I am thankful my daughter is here tonight and we got to spend few hours in the kitchen making cakes and desserts.  

A Very Creative Evening

Day 470 – I came home today and I had no test to study for, and it felt so good, just an evening to myself. But being me, I cannot just sit pretty and do nothing, so I opened my computer and read through some of my poems and I just had to write another one. This time it was easier. The last one took me few hours to write and this one in half an hour I just had it. And after reading it few times, and being under the influence of my creative class assignment – to write something from different points of view, I wrote a second poem with the opposite point of view. Very interesting to try that, but for some reason it was just flowing from under my fingertips. So two poems in one night. And then I wrote also my real assignment - a lucky break story of a holocaust survivor; I have it easy this time, my dad always tell us stories, I just had to write it in my own words. In short, it was an evening of writing, of soul searching and just concentrating real hard on something totally out of my daily reality. This was especially important tonight since I was very upset about something at work today; someone that behaved in a way that is totally unaccepted in my book; someone who completely lost my respect today. So I needed this breath of fresh air, of something good and untarnished, something to take away this foul taste in my mouth. But it made me ponder what should I do next, and I have no answer to that yet.

 

I am thankful I had a wonderful evening of so much creativity. I am thankful for friends who called and cheered me up, even if they were not aware of that. I am thankful it is only the second time since I started working there, almost two years ago, that I walk around with bad feelings about my work. I am thankful for a first opportunity to build an itinerary for a visit in my country that I got today; I am very excited about that.      

My Daughter is Back

Day 469 – My daughter is back after almost a month she was away! It’s so good to have her back here. She came with bags full of presents to her friends. She came with so many stories about these exciting weeks; she came back, that’s the most important thing. It’s really interesting how alone I felt when all the three of them were on the other side of the ocean. And even though she is in the army and at best comes here for the weekend, it still makes it feel like home. I want to be with her right now, so a short entry, but I welcome her back home.

 

I am thankful my daughter is back here. I am thankful for a lovely evening we spent together. i am so thankful to have her here tonight.