Looking At Old Pictures

Day 495 – It's a holiday so I was able to spend a very relaxed day at home. I went to the market in the morning, with my daughter, to buy some ingredients for dinner and I didn’t leave since then. I read a little and then decided to get back to my book. I looked through some old journals I wrote to remind me of the time, I marked few entries as very relevant to my story. I looked through old pictures and I almost cried when I saw pictures of me on the last five years of our marriage. I remembered how unhappy I was, how bad I felt about myself. I could see in the pictures the low self-esteem, the bad body image and my heart ached for this woman who I once was. I hate the fact that I gave the reign of my life's wagon in the unkind hands of someone else; that even faced with all the verbal and emotional abuse I did nothing to protect myself and even worse, I started to believe all he was saying about me; I loathed myself as much as he did. I looked at these old pictures and couldn't keep looking. I look older than I look now, and with no internal flame; a walking dead, a zombie. I looked at these pictures and the memories came rushing back; how the hell did I allow all this to happen? How did I allow someone to hurt me so badly and did nothing in my defense? How did I stay for so many years?

Someone asked me few days ago if I would go back to my marriage and to my ex, and I said that there is nothing in the world that can make me do that. Looking at the pictures today I know even more forcefully that nothing, absolutely nothing can make me shrink back to that miserable woman I once was, that I prefer to live with no money and no partner but to be happy as I am today. I work hard every day, I have very little to my name right now; I have to calculate every expense I make and there are days when I am very lonely and I would love to have someone to hug me and love me. But every single day I am thankful I mastered the courage to leave my golden cage and save my life. I regret many things I did in my life; I never, not even once, regretted leaving my home and my husband; if I regret anything about that it is just that I wish I did it years before.

  

I am thankful I am not the same woman as the one I saw today in the old pictures. I am thankful she is not here anymore and I hope she’ll never come back. I am thankful I was able to heal the deep wounds years of abuse did to my soul, to my self-esteem. I am thankful to all my wonderful friends, and to my wonderful children, who help me understand that I am a worthy woman, that I have a lot to offer, that I am special. I am thankful I was able to salvage the rest of my life by leaving my marriage. I am thankful, so thankful I found in me the courage to take that leap of faith and jump into the unknown, and like in the stories – I leaped and the net appeared.