The fam

Day 772 - My partner's son lives abroad and he is on a homeland visit for a few days with his wife and new born baby. They came here this afternoon for a visit and just left like an hour ago. It is so nice to be surrounded by family again, to have kids and grand-kids coming over to visit; my daughter, his children. I lost this feeling of family when I left home and it's something I miss very much. I used to host a lot and have friends and family for dinners and celebrate holidays together. When I just moved here this is what I missed, the fuzzy feeling of an evening at home around the dinner table with laughter and warmth. and now as we are building our little nest together it love the fact that we can include in this intimate circle all our children, it makes me feel so good. I don't mind the work before and the dishes after as long as I have a warm and fuzzy evening in between. and tonight we got to enjoy his son's family and especially the cute little baby. It was so wonderful!

I am thankful to his children for being so nice and kind to me, for their acceptance. I am thankful for a lovely evening at home. I am thankful for everything even though I am so very tired that I am literally falling asleep.

About kindness

Day 771 - it is not easy for me to be on the receiving end of good deeds, of kindness. For too many years it was not part of my life that it doesn't come naturally. I have to remind myself that it's OK and I don't have to feel uneasy when someone is bestowing on me kindness. And my partner does it all the time. He cleans the house and buys groceries and fresh produce and he cooks for me all the time. It makes me feel so good, so loved and appreciated and I have to admit its all new for me but I like it. for some reason it's hard for me to accept help, to show weakness, or even worse - to show need. I prefer to appear as strong and independent. And this is something I am suddenly aware of and thanks to that will be able to start working on improving at this junction. Is it that I don't believe I am worthy, maybe it was not safe for me to show weakness maybe something else even deeper than that. what ever the source is now it is time for me to heal that wound and move on.

I am thankful for a partner that is so nice and kind to me. I am thankful for the shadows of my past it brought to the surface. I am thankful for the awareness it brought with it. I am thankful for the promise of healing and change.

A wake up call

Day 770 - in a matter of two days an acquaintance of mine lost his father, aunt and mother-in-law. I met him and his brothers yesterday and it was heart breaking to see and feel so much raw pain and the galant effort to find their footing again, to get back to daily life that I'm sure looks so far and not important at the moment. I write a lot about uneventful days and how wonderful they look when in the midst of a storm. And here this family, totally devastated, struggling to get to a blissful moment of just a little less pain. A real reality check for sure. I looked at them thinking that I am so blessed that my life are so peaceful and I know all too well that this is not forever. We all will know sorrow and loss and it is waiting for me behind the corner. I better enjoy to the fullest the presence of all my loved ones since we never know when is our last chance to express our love. We better live every day to the fullest so not to waste an opportunity, we better live fully conscious life.

I am thankful for every day I am here on this earth. I am thankful for every day my loved ones are here; for every opportunity for me to show them my love. I am thankful for this wake up call.

About happiness and gray hair

Day 769 - there is a say "all happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" it is called the Anna Karenina principle. I look at us these days and I think it is not always true. Happiness has colors too. I was happy before, I was in love before, I saw stars and I thought it will never end. And one day I woke up and found I fell out of love; so I know things change, feelings get diluted and washed out. I also know that pains from the past, experiences we go through as we blaze our trail in this amazing adventure called life give us some perspective. I know that what we have is not an every day thing; I know you don't find things like that often. I feel blessed for having such a connection, such love I think most people go through their whole life without having such an amazing thing. I heard it from two friends before that love that comes at our age can be so very special and I keep thinking that it is my reward for daring to try. For daring to say I don't want my life as they turned out to be and just walk out of it all. For finally having the courage to write my own script and not follow others'. So it is of course way too early, we only know each other few months but from the first day we met I sensed it is very different, that he is my soulmate that I have found "the one". You read about it, but until it happens to you it's hard to believe these things are possible. So no, I don't think our happiness is like every other happy couple; we both are in owe, overwhelmed but the depth and intensity of feeling we didn't know before. And the gray hair tells us we have something so very special, and we will do all we can to keep it the same for the rest of our lives. What else can I ask for? I was hoping to have one more love before I die and now that I found it I will never take it for granted.

I am thankful every day for a gift I was hoping for but didn't know if its possible. I am thankful for happiness beyond my wildest dreams. I am thankful that an evening of staying home working on the most mondain things feel like such a bliss because we are there together, planning and slowly building a future for ourselves. I am thankful I had the courage and the wisdom to see that magical moment when two twin souls meet, call it for what it is and hold on to it; thankful for not letting this moment get lost, and by that changing my life.

A tear

Day 768 - I left home early today so I can leave work early and have more time with my beloved partner. I drove home happily to surprise him just to find an empty place so I had to call and tell him I'm here and find out where he was. Turned out he wanted to surprise me and was almost at my work place! It felt like an O. Henry story. I told him it's good, it means we really love each other. So I drove back to meet him and we spent an amazing evening together. I gave him my present - it turned out to be 3 CDs - and the tear in his eye was a better reward than any I can ask for. He knew how much I put my love into this and its all that matters. And now, as every night lately, is very late and I am so happy I can go to sleep soon, I have a serious sleep deprivation to make up, and I will do that, I just have to.

I am thankful my present was received the way I was hoping it will. I am thankful for a tear I saw in my beloved's eyes. I am thankful I made it, for this inspiration. I am thankful I can rearrange my evening once again. 

A birthday present

Day 767 - tomorrow is my partner's birthday. I wanted to make something very meaningful for him - a CD of all his favorite  songs, since he loves music so much. I had to do it while he's at home, so I had to be very sneaky about it,  from identifying his fav list to downloading the music and finally burning the CD. I did all that and now I can't wait for tomorrow so I can give him that.

Purim party

Day 766 -

Pampering party

Day 765 - My daughter started working in a high end cosmetic company. And so for my birthday she decided to give me their line of products for women my age. Today she came to visit us after she finished her work and brought all the products with her. We set in our living room like two teenagers and worked our way through them. She gave me a thorough explanation about each and then I did facial cleaning followed by a deep treatment mask and then serum and facial cream; she also buffed my nails to a shine and now they look all healthy again without any nail polish cover-up. I don't remember the last time I was so pampered and it feels amazing. the results of all these facial products are also amazing - my skin is softer and more shiny. I enjoyed this girl's time so very much and it is absolutely an unbelievable present. I never do all these things for myself and my daughter's gentle push might just put me in the right direction. She is so wonderful for thinking of me and bringing me such a wonderful and maybe even life changing present. How thoughtful; how much love she put into it...
  
I am thankful for this surprising and so very special gift. I am thankful for her personal treatment and her love. I am thankful for the way I feel tonight, so wonderful and pampered. And after a very short night, I am thankful I can go to sleep now, we have another long day tomorrow.

A pleasant surprise

Day 764 - we were at home this evening, talking after a long day we didn't see each other. Talking for hours, like always, never running out of what to say. And then the phone rang and it was my son. We just talked the day before so it was unexpected but a very pleasant surprise, never the less. He told me he's at home along with his girlfriend whom I love very much and so we switched to Skype call so we can see each other.

Let it be

Day 763 - Just a day, like all others, nothing to report or write about. Went to work, did what I am paid to do, had a few meetings, came out with a bigger "to do list", met few visitors and showed them our campus; met my darling who walked here all the way from home and we drove back together; had dinner, worked some more on my computer this time for a business we are trying to develop... in short, just a regular day in the trenches. But I know it never is. I am blessed I can have days like this. I am blessed that my life right now are full of happiness and bliss. That it never is just "I met my partner" but really "I met my beloved" that every time we are together, even doing the most mundane things, its sheer joy and I enjoy it to the fullest. I really don't take it for granted, I know that I am so very lucky to find love again, and I let it fill my days and my heart without holding back. And by doing so my days are brighter, my steps are lighter and my heart sings. Being 55 and divorced means I witnessed love that started this way and got lost to the grinding powers of the routine and I hope my gray hair and my wrinkles brought with them not only years but also wisdom. The wisdom to not ever take my partner for granted, to know how to solve conflicts in a way that will keep us together and not tear us apart, the ability to keep our love fresh and exciting. I really hope we can be that smart and keep it to our last day. So yes, it was a day that nothing outstanding happened, but I spend the evening with him and we had time to talk and to joke and enjoy each other company. I don't need much in my life just a lot of love and joy - to be able to see my children and their families, and have my partner by my side. Please, let it be.  
  
I am thankful for every day, the exciting as well as the mundane. I am thankful for phone calls I had with all my children in the past two days, it keeps me at least a little, in their lives. I am thankful my youngest daughter lives here in this country so we can talk every day and see each other almost every week; it brings so much happiness to my life. I am thankful that in my age I was lucky to find a man I love and see myself getting old with. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life.  

Doing the unthinkable

Day 762 - it is my birthday today. I love birthdays, unlike many women my age I don't mind the extra year. I feel great, I am so happy so why should I mind the years. They bring with them inner peace and happiness, they brought new love into my life, new and exciting experiences... I would not want to be twenty or thirty again. I am happy in my own skin and I would not trade places with anyone. To celebrate the event we went to a cafe known for its desserts and we decided to do desserts only dinner. It was a very interesting and intriguing idea but proved to be harder than expected. We declared defeat after 4 cakes only and almost in a food coma... it was delicious, it was fun and we loved the idea of doing the unthinkable... but we couldn't even finish - it was just to much (I didn't think I will ever say something like that!!). We spent few hours there eating and talking and laughing and had a great time; and we loved the idea and the courage to try it. Next year we'll go for savory, though. I had such a great time!!!
  
I am thankful for a great birthday full of fun. I am thankful for having such a partner that plays along with my crazy ideas. I am thankful for all the good wishers, for all the friends who called and posted and cared. I am thankful for such a very special birthday. . 

My wallet got lighter

Day 761 - I took my car to thee garage today for a long over due service and to fix the flat tire. Well' they did the service but the tire had to be replaced and when I came there they showed me that the other tire is also very worn and should be replaced. I hesitated for a few moments but I know it's true and I should not drive a car with worn tires. So I have two options - I can put my car aside and start riding the bus again a decision that will save me a lot of money on gas, services and tire change. or I can decide to keep using my car the same way as before and then replacing the tires is not even a question. I changed the second tire, of course, but I think I will choose the third option which is to do all the necessary maintenance but ride the buses more and my car less. I think I'll get back into the mode of saving. There is no justification for using the car so much. I think I might even do it tomorrow already, just to practice it. But for now I have a car that is running well again and I have 2 new tires but a little lighter wallet. But if I cannot afford to take care of my car I should not own one. 
   
I am thankful I can afford to replace my tires, thus keep owning a car. I am thankful that I have a car, I know all too well that a car can make the difference between life and death, so I am thankful for having one even if it costs money. I am thankful I can go to sleep now I had a very short night and I am very tired. 
 
   

Clearing my spiritual path

Day 760 - my daughter was looking for an outfit for Purim so I opened a box of gowns I brought with me from my old life, things I didn't ware for several years. It was so weird to see myself in the mirror in those fancy dresses; so not me, I looked at them and thought how happy I am to live a simpler and more down to earth life. When I moved here I couldn't through away these gowns, they are expensive and I thought maybe ill ware them again; but now I know I won't it is a reminder from my past that does not belong in my present life. And so it's time to say goodbye. I put all the gown in a box and I'll bring them tonight to a vintage store. Maybe they'll want it. But I have no need and no room for them anymore. I moved on and I am happy I can part with one more element from my previous life.
 
I am thankful I was able to leave one more element of my past behind; at least for me, it is not as easy as it sounds; at least not for me. I am thankful my spiritual spirit is now a little clearer for doing that; that it is more open for new things to come my way.

The healing power of music

Day 759 - We had a visit of a choir of male singers today at the hospital. A choir of volunteers that are going to hospitals, schools for special needs children and to other such places. I was a little skeptic when they first contacted us about coming for a visit. But I was pleasantly surprised; the choir people very nice, and the impact on our patients was beyond my wildest dreams. We took them to a pediatric ward to sing to our young patients and we took the to one of the internal medicine ward - always a difficult ward but the presence of these men and the joy they brought with them was contagious. The nurses cried, some of the patients and their companions. In short, once again I got a window into the depth of the connection of heart (soul); of the effect that creativity has on our minds. It also brought with it the realization of how little we have to have in order to be happy. and most of all they brought with them the healing vibes of music. It's eternity, the fact it crosses borders and nationalities. It bridges enemies and bring solace to the sad. One of the choir members told me that this is real charity - he puts his heart into it., not only money. 

I am thankful I was part of the moving morning of music. I am thankful for people like that who walk their talk, who are ready to give their time and talent to freely in order to bring a smile to the face of a suffering man. 
        

A desert scene

Day 758 - It's Thursday and I am back to my painting class after three weeks away. Still under the spell of the desert and our amazing trip I was painting the places we saw. I don't really paint realistic landscape but what echoes in me is the atmosphere and the magic that the desert had on me. I painted a lone acacia tree and it made me happy. I have the painting on my wall now and it brings to me some of the scenes I miss. Maybe I should paint our tent in the middle of all that. It was good to be back to the class, to hold again brushes in my hand and pour my soul on the canvas. It was a very special lesson; it brought back the feelings and the scenes that were part of my life for two weeks and I now miss so much. It connected me again to a place inside me I don't want to forget.
   
I am thankful for the pleasure a painting lesson brings with it. I am thankful for the love I can put into my paintings, for the memories and dreams that make it so special. I am thankful for the gift of creation I received. 

frustration

Day 757 - I am working for couple of hours on Facebook apps, trying to have one that will do what I want and overcome the obstacles in my way and I have to admit it's frustrating. The more I read the more I go in circles. I know that in the end I'll make it work but does it worth it? Should I just give up and hire someone to do it for me. It will take minutes instead of days!! I think I'll chose the second option, it just doesn't make sense. 
I am thankful this situation is not something I encounter often; it is very frustrating and I don't like that. I am thankful I can afford to have it professionally done (at least I hope i do, I'll call tomorrow and find out). I am thankful to go to sleep right now; it's very late already!!

Welcome back

Day 756 - After almost a month my daughter is back home. I drove to the airport to meet her and spend a little time with her since she lives in a different city and she starts her new job tomorrow so she couldn't come to my place. So we met there and later we drove to her new apartment and we spend couple of hours together before I left and drove back home. While driving back from the airport, someone drew my attention that I have a tire with very little air in it. I was hoping it is nothing and I can just pump some air and fix it. So after I left my daughter's place I drove to a gas station to pump air but as soon as I put on my glasses to check the air pressure I need I could see a tear on the side of the tire - bad news, since this cannot be fixed. A quick change of tire to the spare one (by the nice guy at the gas station) and I was on my way, driving very slowly as per spare tire limitations and tomorrow I have to go and buy a new tire. So it took me almost two hours to get back home but I cannot complain, this is my first flat in about 15 years. But this cannot oveshadow my joy for having my daughter back here, nothing can do that. Despite the fact we don't see each other every day since we live in different cities and the fact we talked on the phone almost every day while she was gone it is still so good to have her back here and to know that she is so close just a little over an hour away. And more importantly that she is here in this country, that she loves it and wants to make it her home as well and that from what she said my son is serious about trying to move here as well in about two years. oh, how much I wish this will come true!

  
I am thankful my daughter is back. I am thankful I got to see her on her first day back even with our hectic life and busy schedules. I am thankful for her love and warmth for having her in my life. I am thankful we share this love to this place and the determination to make it our home. But most of all I am thakful she is here again and can't wait for the weekend so we can spend some time together.   

Coming back home

Day 756 - my daughter is on her way back home after three weeks with her father and siblings in our old country. I can't wait to see her. I was away for two weeks so it made it easier and we talked almost every day, but still it is so good to have her here again. Every time one of us travels there in the back of the mind it raises the question "are they going to come back". This dual loyalty, or the very viable option of staying there of moving back. I know I will not do that, I know I found my place and as far as I know she feels the same but it is always an option that the temptations, the ease of life and the fact that she misses her siblings terribly will call her back. What would I do if this ever happens? I don't know and I truly hope I'll never have to find out, but it is a very serious question. I'll be torn and heart broken no matter what my decision will be. I can only hope this day will never come. But today I am so happy she is on her way right now, making the very long trip from there back here. I can't wait to see her!

I am thankful for every day we are both here. I am thankful for the home we created here. I am thankful tomorrow I will see my beloved daughter again; It's been a very long trip, a very long time we were away from each other, and I can't wait for it to be over!

The ripples

Day 755 - I am not totally back yet and just realized I forgot to post my blog yesterday. You'll have to excuse me for few false starts. It is hard friends, to leave the trail behind and land back into my daily routine. It is hard to let go of the freedom and the open space, to let go of a dream. I am trying to hold on to it. I'm trying to keep a better balance, to spend more time doing things I love and less time in the office, but I have to make up the hours (days) I missed at work for monetary reasons as well as a simple catch up since no one did my work while I was gone, which means I am swamped. And on the other hand it is difficult to see my beloved partner so little after spending more than 2 weeks together and away from the world, just the two of us. I was ready for the extra work. I didn't expect the difficulty of coming back, the feeling of "what am I doing here" to be so strong. I came back different and I have to find the time to think about it and come with the right set of action items to make the necessary changes in my life. I came back a different woman, it is not even a question that changes are about to come. One more time my life are in a pause before a big and life altering decision...

  
I am thankful for this feeling of restlesness; it brings with it renewal and change and this is always a blessing. I am thankful for the shower I have every day, for a warm and soft bed. for fresh vegetables and fruits all things I missed on the trail. I am thankful for the ripples still echoing in my heart and soul from these blessed two weeks in the wild, on the trail. I am thankful for every day that brings with it a little more clarity. I am thankful I am not affraid to ask hard questions and the patience to wait for the right answers. I am thankful for a wonderful partner that struggle with me and supports me every step of the way.   

The end of our vacation - how sad

Day 754 - after being outdoors for two weeks it's hard to stay put. We are still in recovery mode so trying not to over do things but we drove to the north and went on a few short hikes amid the lush green and the beautiful wild flowers. Our country after so much rain is in bloom. It was nice to be out again and walk with no weight on our backs but our jackets. It was nice to be back outdoors. Just a simple day a hike, a stop for light lunch and later for coffee and hours of music and talks and laughter... It's hard to end these two weeks of vacation, it's hard to get to my daily routine; like a little kid I wish I could prolong it. But this is part of the deal, now we have to learn how to carve out time for us in that realm, how to not be dragged into the mundane. 
I feel so blessed for having a man I love so much to enjoy these simple joys with me; I feel so blessed to be in love again in my age and with such intensity, I didn't think it's even possible. What else one can ask for? what else do I really need? coming back from the trail I know I have plenty, I have everything I'll ever need. I have myself like I never did before, wonderful kids, I have a man I love - my life is full. I prey everyday for this to last till my last day. I thank the universe every day for all the bounty, and I learn to open up my heart, to soften it so I"ll be able to contain all that happiness, to be worthy of it. 
  
I am thankful for everything I have. I am thankful for every moment of hardship and difficulties in my past because it blazed the way for all the goodness. I am thankful for a wonderful weekend, for a wonderful vacation that is coming today to its end; it is a gift beyond imagination and I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for this late love that is filling my soul and healing my heart. I kneel on my knees and thank the universe for blessing beyond my wildest dreams. 

Take a vacation from life

Day 752 - The truth is that I am home already for two days but could not master the will to get back to writing my blog and the question is of course why. I think I did not want to finish this amazing vacation, and getting back to the blog would symbolize just that. The past two weeks were absolutely amazing. It was difficult, we had to deal with the weather that was particularly extreme, we had to deal with lack of water, with boring and scarce food; we had to deal first and foremost with the physical challenges that such an adventure presents from sleeping in a tent on hard and very thin mattress to the toll on a 55 and 63 years old bodies; the aches and pains, the exhaustion, the will power to wake up the next morning at 5 am to another grueling day, the sole company of each other for days on end that in our case proved a blessing... in short there was no way I could be prepared for what awaited me on this epic journey from my point of view. I also found the other side of this coin - the solitude of two people in the midst of this vast and desolated place, the strong bonds we developed; the realization I have literally trusted him with my life and vice versa and that I cannot think of another man I would trust like that, the deep conviction that he would do what ever it takes to get me back to safety and I would do the same. It was the ultimate test for our love and commitment to each other and we both came out of it knowing we have found the person we want to spend the rest of our life with. We also came out of it knowing we'll keep doing it as much and as often as we can. We already miss the road, the wild, the freedom it brings with it.
My friends, if you never before took a vacation from life, I suggest you do that. for two weeks we learn how little we really need to be happy. A dry tent at the end of the day, enough water to drink and something to eat; everything else was a blessed extra, a nicety but we could do without it. We were disconnected from the world for most of the day with only a short phone call at the evening to check about next day's weather and to let our worried families know we arrived at our daily destination. Our daily worries were real - floods, food, water and the challenges of the trail itself - the climbs, the descends, the obstacles. We could walk for long periods of time in a meditative way, just putting one foot before the next and clear our heads and we could chat and joke and check on each other periodically. I came back out of it with a feeling of triumph, an amazing achievement that at point look impossible to reach, but also knowing this "getting off the rat race" is how I want to live my life. It is hard for me the accept it is over, that I have to get back to my 8 to 4 routine, that I'd rather have very little but have my freedom. I know I cannot just jump and quit everything but I am going to make some changes, I am going to start living the life I am carving for myself out of free choice and not because I am following the common wisdom we were raise with. I came back from this vacation with a new and fresh look at my life and how I want to live them. I want to reclaim them once again and write my very own script. I didn't expect it but I feel blessed for the clarity I gained.
  
I am thankful in a way I'll never be able to express or repay to my beloved partner for lending his experience and being with me on this journey; only when I was there I realized the magnitude f such a present. I am thankful for everyday, for every challenge, for every moment of grace. I am thankful for this journey of a life time. I am thankful for the clarity and the poise it brought with it. I was walling for days in these harsh and grueling conditions thinking to myself "what would you do for someone you truly love? my partner was ready to walk 200 km for that, to suffer unbelievable pains just to see me happy, to give me something I really wanted" I am thankful beyond words for this love; I didn't think it's possible to find something like that and I know I am so very fortunate I have.   
     

Day 751
February 7, 2013

Day 750
February 6, 2013

Day 749
February 5, 2013

Day 748
February 4, 2013

Day 747
February 3, 2013

Day 746
February 2, 2013

Day 745
February 1, 2013

Day 744
January 31, 2013

Day 743
January 30, 2013

Day 742
January 29, 2013

Day 741
January 28, 2013

Day 740
January 27, 2013

Day 739
January 26, 2013

Day 738
January 25, 2013

I am back on the air after two weeks of silence. I have written my notes every day and will copy it here in the next few days.
Day 737 - Thursday 24.1.13