Day 983 - A full day I spent with my son. A wonderful day indeed.

A miracle of nature

Day 982 - I met my son and my oldest daughter yesterday evening and today I also met my granddaughter. I didn't see them all for a year now and while in adults' life a year is something that is moderately significant, it is beyond description in a little kid's life. It's almost half her life; and during this time she turned from a baby to a toddler. She runs around and plays games and rides her tricycles and tells stories; in short, Skype is great and all but it's not the same as seeing her in person how charming and wonderful she is. I hope I will be able to see her often in the next two weeks so she'll remember me and we will be able to have some kind of a connection even when I'm back home. And I, on my part, will try to come here twice a year instead of once; not much but this it is the best I can do. I hope one day, when I'll retire, I'll be able to come more often or stay longer, but until then - this is the best I can do. So the problem with living so far is that I am a grandma but I sure don't feel like one since I don't get to see or communicate with my granddaughter. I hope that she is old enough now that we will be able to create some kind of a bond. I don't know if it's really possible but I can hope and do my best. But regardless how the future will shape up, at the moment I am enjoying these special moments and they are really wonderful. It is so special to witness the miracle of nature; how a human baby grows and develop into an independent toddler; to see the skill sets they acquire; it's the physical development as well as the mental development which is even more astounding. I was there looking with admiration at this beautiful little girl and I felt so blessed just for being there. 
  
I am thankful to my kids for their wonderful company; for a fun evening we had yesterday. I am thankful to my son for spending almost all day today with me. I am thankful to my daughter for such a lovely evening I spent with her family today. I am thankful to have all these wonderful people, all this amazing bounty in my life. I am so thankful I am here.  

Starting my visit

Day 981 - After a very long flight, actually 3 legs of a flight I am here in California. A place that I called home for 14 years and now I feel as a stranger. Everything looks the same with very few changes but it doesn't feel like home anymore. So i'm sure part of it is the fact that I don't have a home here now and I am staying with a friend. She is away so again, strange feeling walking to her empty home. I didn't see my kids yet since I arrived only two hours ago but I will see them soon enough. I am very tired, but I will stay awake so to avoid jet leg. It was interesting coming here and realizing that after three years away home is where I came from, not here. That I am here for a short visit but my heart is over there, on the other side of the globe. I took some time to get to this point, but now this is my reality, even with no permanent home I still consider it my home and it makes me so happy. I found a home again, a place I want to go back to. My daughter is there, my parents are there, three of my siblings and their kids and in the past year I added to this list also the man I love. So many reasons to be happy to go back; to be happy I made that move and rebuilt my life. Still I am happy to be here. I have two kids here I have dear friends and of course so many  memories.

I am thankful I made it here and in easy and uneventful flights. I am thankful beyond words to my friend who opened her home and heart to me. I am thankful I am going to see my kids in a few minutes after a long year apart.I am thankful I found my home.

On my way

Day 980 - on the road again; on the train on the way to the airport for a long over due visit to see my kids. I am so excited about that, it's been over a year. I have so many plans, so many things I want to do. I hope I will be able to accomplish it all, but most important for me is to see my kids and my granddaughter and then my friends and I am sure this much I will have plenty. It seems so easy for me, so matter of fact to pack my suitcase in a few minutes and be ready for a flight; it seems so easy just fly when I want. But I know it is not and I am so very lucky I can afford it, I am so lucky I traveled enough to be so casual about it; it sure makes for a much easier and more pleasant experience. One thing that my former life taught me well, for sure. And so in the middle of the night on the midnight (or half an hour later) train I an making my way to the airport. With every passing minute I am getting further away from my life and my loved one here on this side of the ocean and getting closer to my loved ones over there. How lucky we are to live in an era where these transitions are so fast, so easy and relatively affordable. An interesting thought - airport is such a happy place, full of excitment, of good energy. People are their way to vacations or coming back from one. If you ever feel down, go to the airport and I'm sure in no time you'll feel all better, and I am lucky enough to be part of that scenery tonight. 

I am thankful this day has finally come; for all that awaiting me in the next two weeks. I am thankful I can afford to take this trip. I am thankful to my loved ones who made the past few days so special for me. 

Caesarea

Day 979 - My daughter was leaving tonight to spend the holiday with friends and since I am leaving tomorrow for two weeks we decided to spend the day together. It was a beautiful day today, sunny and warm, blue skies white clouds, a beautiful autumn day. Not warm enough to spend with minimal clothing on the beach, but a perfect day to be in a cafe in the old city of Caesarea, over looking the magnificent old harbor. The truth is that the food was awful but the scenery and the very calming sound of the waves crushing against the old walls of the wharf. We set there for a long time and then we strolled between the ruins of the old Roman city, the largest harbor in the world at it's peak. It was so nice to be together for a few relaxed hours. The past few weeks and months were very trying and so today was such a special moment in time just to be together, no fights no anger, just be. True, the distance was still there but I hope time will heal the wounds and will bring us close again; I hope the silence will be comfortable and flowing again, not loaded as it is at the moment. I am so sad we came to this point but I know that every difficulty is also a stepping stone for something better, so I want to believe this will follow the same rules.
  
I am thankful for a very special day. I am thankful for the beautiful scenery. I am thankful for the wonderful weather. and most of all I am thankful to my daughter for such a wonderful day; I already miss her and I am not even gone yet.     

Last work day before my trip

Day 978 - This month is full of holidays according to the Jewish calendar and this week is that last one. So even though I only travel on Friday today was my last day at work. I have to admit there were few more things I wanted to accomplish before my travel, which I didn't have time to do, but somehow I believe my work place will survive regardless. So today I bought few presents for my granddaughter and tomorrow I'll pack my suitcase; I don't think I can delay it any further. And the good thing - I got an email from my friend I can stay with her now I only have to rent a car and I am set to go. It always amazes me how easy it is to travel these days; you read stories how people traveled only half a century ago and I know we are so lucky. I board a plane and in less than a day I am on the other side of the planet. The clock is ticking - a little over 2 days and getting shorter by the minute... It's been a very long time since my last visit and I am so ready to go!
  
I am thankful all fall into place and my trip is taking shape. I am thankful I have now two days to get ready and not few hours before my flight like last time. I am thankful for my day, it was packed but full of nice moments, even on a regular working day.

getting ready for a visit

Day 977 - in three days I am flying back to my old hometown to visit my kids and I have to admit I am not ready yet. I didn't pack yet, that's a given I always pack on the last day but this time I didn't buy any presents yet and worst of all I still don't have any accommodation plans. Last time I stayed with a good friend of mine but I am not sure I can do it this time; I finally sent her an email today asking about that and if it won't work than I'll just make a reservation in a near by hotel. It will make it a very expensive visit, but I don't see any other option. I don't live there anymore and I am not sure I can crash at friends houses every time I visit. But it's OK I only visit once a year so I can afford it. But this is all minute stuff, the important thing is that in three days I'll see my older kids and my granddaughter; and I am so excited about that.
 
I am thankful that I have the means to make this trip. I am thankful I am healthy enough to do that. I know this will not always be the case and I am thankful for every passing day I am in good health and can do pretty much what ever I want. I am thankful this trip is only three days away.

Allergic reaction

Day 976 - I put yesterday a new night cream on my face and woke up this morning to an unpleasant surprise. Apparently I am allergic to this cream and my face were blotches with red spots. Luckily it's vacation time around the country right now and only few people were at work; I didn't have any event I had to attend or people to see, but it was funny, never the less. It's been a while since I had such a strong reaction to a facial cream so I got a little careless and didn't test it before applying it all over my face. I am lucky it didn't develop to something even more severe. I had to take an anti allergy pill which made me very tired so it's good I didn't drive but took a train to work. I hope all will be gone by tomorrow. 
  
I am thankful it is the first allergic reaction in years. I am thankful it's not too severe. I am thankful that even my when body reacts in such a funny way it's still a highly functioning body and I feel so blessed for that.  

Hiking again

Day 975 - We went on a hike today after few months I didn't; and it was lovely. It was good to be outside; it was good to walk between the trees, in the fields. Only problem is I didn't hike in so long that my feet hurt so much! but I am going to start hiking again and I know it will go away.
 
I am thankful for a day spent outdoors. I am thankful it's the first time I have such feet pain and I hope it will be the last.  

Changes

Day 974 - Little moments of content; like spending a fun day with my daughter; never to be overlooked or under appreciated, especially now. True, it was too cold to go to the beach as originally planned, which made us realize that the summer is over and the fall is here (shorter days, cooler days - where did the summer go!!) but we still had a good time. Just be for several hours together. We went to a restaurant, to see her grandma, to a movie... all that and we were still back home by early evening. One of the last times we do it from here, as she is moving out, spreading her wings and taking off. I know it is probably good for her, to be again in the big city, having young people her age around her and the fast life and all the excitement of the big city. This place we move to is too far and rural and really didn't work out the way we planned. So after only few months we each going our separate ways. I hope time and the distance will heal what was broken and remove some of the tension we experience right now. At her age I was almost married, thus I can understand she want to grow and she can't really do that living at her moms'. So, here we go again, transitions in life moving out and moving up. Like the overused slogan -" change is the only permanent thing is life...."  

I am thankful for the time we had here together, even if very tense at times. I am thankful for tender moments, for happy moments for her presence in my life here and always. I wish her luck and happiness with  every new step she takes towards her future, and I am thankful I can witness some of it; something I cannot do with my other two kids.  

The trials in life

Day 973 - the trials in life are the building blocks for our future; the stepping stones for a better or at least wiser tomorrow. This is a common knowledge, and as we grow older we also know that from personal experience. But it doesn't make it any easier to go through these trials. The only difference is that we know that "this too shall pass", that one day the sun will rise again and we will experience its warmth again. So my days are turbulent for one reason or another, too many time I feel like I am out of control in my own little world but I know that one day I will be able to look back at it and it will be from a distance and I won't be in the eye of the storm any more. I'm not there yet and I don't know how long it will take; but I am here and will be here tomorrow as well, and that's plenty right now. And I know all is well and all the players involved are healthy and well, so there's so much to be thankful for. And I am, I really am. May these will be all my worries and concernes; may these will be my worst hurts and pains.

So I am thankful, even at this junction, for every day I am here on this beautiful planet of ours. I am thankful for the health of my loved ones. I am thankful that we have nothing more serious to be hurt about; and its not that I try to belittle what's going on right now; it's just that I know there are things that are so much more painful and life altering. I am thankful for every moment of grace, of kindness, of happiness. I am thankful for my life just the way they are.

So many thanks

Day 972 - for a nice dinner I had with my daughter, for a movie we saw together; for the safety of our children and one in particular right now. For a day that passed by and left an OK taste when it started so bad. For the sun that shone on us, for a bike ride, for a walk. For love and friendship that are here with us to help and to heal on difficult junctions. For all these and more I am thankful tonight.

Rough times

ops... I forgot to post it last night.
Day 971 - we encounter a bad chain of events in the past month and its so very difficult. In my family as well as in my partner's family. And with no relief in sight. Tonight I am here for him, not knowing how to comfort him. Rough times.
I am thankful we are all here for each other; I am praying for this last event to end well.

Stormy day

Day 970 - I am going through daily trials and I have to admit it's not easy. The planet is sending me a message for sure and if I won't listen they will become more intense. All my life I am busy tending to others, always ready to put my life on back burner to satisfy the needs or what I think are the needs of someone dear to me. They don't even have to ask, I do it anyway; and when I don't I feel really bad about it. I have to learn to listen to no one else but myself.
For over a month I was trying to do exactly that to my partner; I tried to force him to act a certain way since it didn't work with the way I wanted things to be, it didn't work with the way I see things. And when he refused to abide I got very angry and had some very bad fights with him. I finally realized that I have no right to force my opinion on someone else; I can, however, ask him to leave my house if his behavior doesn't go well with my ideas of conduct. And the same rule apply to everyone else; it is not my place to shove my ideas down someone else's throat, or they shove into mine. I can only control what I allow around me in my own house and in my life. Today this problem risen again and I am not sure yet what will be the end of the story; but I know for sure, I will not let anyone, not even my most beloved one in the world, to force me to do things I don't want to. I didn't get angry, which was good, but I am sad right now with the direction things are going. I keep telling myself I can control only what I do and not what anyone else; but I can still think it's a mistake and be sad it's happening.
 
I am thankful this day is coming to its end; It's been a very trying one. I am thankful I can go to sleep for a few hours and hope tomorrow will be brighter.

Anger management

Day 969 - Last week I had a very nasty fight. I completely lost my temper. I was so angry and I said things I am ashamed even to think about, to admit to myself I said that. I feel really bad about this incident. Especially considering the fact that the events leading to that outburst were annoying but did not justify my reaction. I think nothing can ever justify such a reaction, if I am very honest with myself. More than a week passed since than and I still feel horrible about that. Years ago I read a book by a very famous Vietnamese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, about anger. And so I pulled that book off the shelf and into my bag to read it on the train every day. Anger is a very unhealthy reaction that does more damage to the one getting angry than to the other side. Anger is a wound deep in my soul that cannot find a healthy outlet, or better yet, cannot heal. And I am determined to go through it all go down and go deep and learn to take care of my inner child, of my emotions, my fears; take care of old wounds and most of all take care and change automatic behaviors. I want to live in greater awareness so to be mindful and as I feel my anger starting to brew, I'll be able to stop everything and tend to it so it will slowly dissolve. I will start meditating every day, I'll do the work needs to be done; and I will not allow anger to control my life. I will not ever be such a position again. I am so deeply ashamed of that, I always consider myself to be so cool and patient, but apparently there are some demons inside me I never knew exist. I can lament on that as much as I want or I can take action. I chose the second option - to take action and I am sure this event will become a turning point in my life.
 
I am thankful it is only so seldom I loose my temper; and I embrace the little girl that was hurt so my. I am thankful for this very special book; I read it years ago and it was good but I thing now I am so much more ready for it; so I'm looking forwards with excitement. I am thankful for every part of my body that works well and I am thankful for those who don't. I am thankful to be here on this earth, breath in and breath out, walking step by step along this path to better awareness, for mindful living.    

Forty years ago

Day 968 - today is Saturday and Yom Kippur. Forty years ago on the same day, the day of Yom Kippur, our country was attacked by the Syrian army in the north and the Egyptian army in the south. They caught us by surprise and managed to do a lot of damage before our reserve forces got ready and started to fight back. This war lasted for 3 weeks and caused a big scar in our national memory, a scar that never healed. More that two thousand dead, thousands injured, MIAs POWs all things we didn't know how to deal with, especially since it came only 6 years after the Six days war and the national euphoria it brought with it. 40 years later; I remember it as if it was yesterday, the sudden siren in the middle of the holiest day, were no car is moves and all is almost at stand still. Too many people carry the wounds of this war physical and emotional on their body and soul, and the nation as a whole never fully recovered. There are so many debated of "what if", and "was it worth it" but I am not going to go into all that. Today I am looking at the memorial candle I lit and remember friends who lost their lives in all the wars we were force to have to be able to live in this wonderful country of ours as a free and independent nation, and given the nature of the enemies surrounding us, these were wars for our right to be alive and be here. Today I remember all those who died and the so many more who didn't die but were never the same coming back from the battle field. I am sure that every man who ever was in these killing fields, fighting to keep us alive, fighting for his own life, was forever changed. I am sure they all have nightmares and too many pictures they would love to forget. But they went back, again and again every time they were called to the reserve training, to fight in the next war and later they sent their sons to harms way for the very same reason to protect our right to live here in our country. I don't know how they did it, how they do it to this day but I salute each and every one of these brave men. I am so proud to belong to the same nation, to sing the same national anthem, to salute to the same flag.
  
I am thankful beyond words to the so many brave men that day in and day out protecting us so we can live safely our daily life. I am thankful to all the men who with their body and soul made it possible for our country to reach it's 65th anniversary; sadly so the price is devastating. I am bowing my head to the horrific price these men and their families had to pay for that privilege and I am eternally thankful to them.    

Yom Kippur

Day 967 - It is Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, the holiest day of all. And I am here to my soul search like we suppose to on this day. It is a day of fasting and prayers, a day to look inside and come back with new and deep understandings. But I am so very tired. It's been a very long and emotional week. And I came to the end of it drained. So tonight I am just going to take care of my physical needs and go to sleep and tomorrow I'll try to be better about my spiritual needs as well.
 
I am thankful for an amazing year that is behind us now. I am thankful for the new year ahead. I am thankful for every little step I take in the direction of more spirituality and connecting with my inner self.    

Searing headache

Day 966 -I woke up this morning at 5 am with the biggest headache I ever had.It felt like my head was about to explode, and of course there was no pain killer in the house. After an hour of pure torture I decided to get out and try to find a place open at this early hour and buy something. Well, now I know for sure something I like better in America -every gas station and every supermarket has OTC medications. But sadly, not here. So like an addict I drove from one place to the next, hoping to find my drug. But none had it. Here it's sold only in pharmacies. And so I drove back home and at 8 am when the pharmacy opened I was ale to buy a simple headache medication and 20 minutes later the fog started to lift and the edge of the pain subsided. One thing for sure - you'll never find me again without a stock of Advil of some sort. 
  
I am thankful this kind of event doesn't happen often. I am thankful I found the medication after the long search. I am thankful the relief was so quick. I am thankful I have a head that can hurt.  

Forgiveness

Day 965 - I took the train to the big city today to join a group for a very special evening. Yom Kippur, our day of atonement is coming and it is customary to do some kind of ceremony of forgiveness. We have to ask our fellow humans for forgiveness. It is said that before you ask God we have to ask the people we hurt to forgive us. God cannot do that for them. A very noble idea indeed. So the event tonight was based on this idea but it was to ask ourselves to forgive certain behaviors we practice without being aware of that, behaviors that cause us pain and suffering; whether it is the need to be in control all the time; or life is not fun; or perfectionism or anything else. With the help of guided meditation, we identified the culprit and than had to forgive ourselves for caring it with us. And than we had to find something to replace that behavior; an opposite behavior that we'll take instead. It was a very powerful exersize and I enjoyed it very much. Very befitting for the high holidays.

I am thankful I found out about this event. I am thankful I could take part in it.I am thankful for renewed awareness; for conscious criticism. I am thankful for the discoveries I had regarding these forces who control my behavior. I am thankful for a very interesting night.

Pizza night

Day 964 - I didn't feel good today and came home early. an hour later my daughter called she's sick too. At the beginning I thought it's because I didn't sleep well last night, but maybe it was a virus if both of us felt so bad. So it was a sick house today. I still worked on my computer from home but it was a relaxing day. We had good time together, we talked and even laughed a little, we ate some healthy food like chicken soup, that is the best remedy when sick. I even slept for an hour. At the evening I was getting a little better, and she was getting worse. The way it seems right now, I'll be at work and she might not. I felt good enough for a little drive. Not too far, only to the Pizza parlor in midtown, and I even manage to eat one piece and keep it down; I sure am getting better. So pizza is something we don't eat much. We keep a gluten free home and I forgot when was the last time I made the GF dough. After enjoying my pizza so much, I think I should be making one for my daughter; in a few days when she'll feel better and be less nauseous. But I am just lazy, the fact they don't have a pre-made pizza is not a good enough reason not to have one, not to make one.   
  
I am thankful I feel better, I don't like being sick. I am thankful I am feeling better; good enough to eat pizza, even if the way my stomach feels right now it might have been too soon. I think I have to be thankful for pizza, period; someone had to invent it for me to enjoy it. So thanks, thanks, thanks - what an awesome invention! 

Broken dreams

Day 963 - I wish it was as easy as I wrote yesterday, but it's not. Slowly the realization of this move is sinking in and it hurts so much. I keep asking myself why it got to this point, why we could not keep it the way it was at the beginning? did we get complacent? did we take each other for granted? I cannot find the clear line that took us from there to where we are today; heart broken and so very sad. Were did our train derailed? it is easy enough to blame and this was the initial tendency, but I take responsibility for my part. Had I nipped things at the bud they might not have become the monsters they did. Had I asked for what I need and was not only dotting on his needs; had I knew how to be pampered and asked for it instead of taking that role... The bottom line is that I didn't put the brakes, I was blind to the slow changes and even when I saw, I was ready to give it a chance to change back. This relationship cannot be saved, it came to the point of no return; all I can do now is bury it with trembling hands and bleeding heart and try to move on with my life. 
I really saw myself living with him until our last breath and I still can't believe it will never happen. I see a long and lonely road ahead of me right now. The saddest thing of all is that I know he is in as much pain as I do, maybe even more and yet we could not find a way to make us work as the team we once were, when we hiked the Israel trail seven months ago. I am reading the book "the secret" again, and it claims that we invite everything into our life. How did I invite this break-up? by not believing I deserve this happiness? by not believing it is possible to find my soul mate? And why didn't I? Why didn't I know how to bless everyday to bring more of those tender moments and remove the bad ones. 
It is painful beyond words, beyond feelings; I can hardly breathe. I think I'm still numb and the bigger waves are still ahead. I was fine all day and then I came home and it's overwhelming to me. We moved here and I saw this as a new beginning, I saw moving into this house as building our love nest; I didn't expect it to become the beginning of the end, the grave of our love. What the hell can I be thankful for right now? For a broken heart, for broken dreams? for losing my soul mate, my partner, my love? I didn't even think it will be so difficult; it's tearing me apart. I know I'll come out of it, I know a month or two will pass and I'll see day light again, but I guess I am not ready yet to let go. 
Farewell my dear, sadly it was an impossible love. How I wish things were different...

I am thankful for the tears that finally came; it's the only way to actually heal. I am thankful for the amazing times we had together, for all the dreams and the plans. I am thankful I met him and allowed him into every nook of my heart; I didn't even think it was possible for me to love so much again. I am sure not thankful it ended; even if I know something better might be waiting for me behind the bend of the road.      

A thousand thanks

Day 962 - I realized today that I am not doing my thanks good enough, or I should probably rephrase it: I can do better than that. I wake up every morning - a huge thanks right there. I sleep in my bed, in a nice house, I have sheets and blankets and pillows. I can go to my bathroom and have running water, hot and cold,  that are coming out of a faucet with no effort on my part. I have TP and don't have to use a banana leaf, I don't have to squat; I can take a shower and use a nice shampoo, a soap and end it with a clean towel. I have clean and freshly smelled clothes to wear. I think I can stop here. When we really start counting our blessing we realize it's an endless list. I think I can say more than a hundred thank-yous before I even leave my home in the morning. How can we, even for one moment, look at the little things that are not perfect - like breaking up with my boyfriend - to color my day in any other color than bright and happy yellow and green; how can I see anything other than bright and happy blessings all around me. So what can I add to this amazing list of daily thanks? what is my extra story of the day. I just want to add that unlike the previous brake-ups, this time I am strong and determined to go through with it; to go through the pain and stick to my guns. I know I am doing the right thing, I know I deserve more from a relationship, and I know that the man I met almost 10 months ago has changed so much and I don't like what I see now. I also know I cannot and should not change him; it's just that I can decide whether this is good enough for me or not. And when I examine it in this light the answer is NO. So I am thankful for the clarity, I am thankful for one too many times, that finally opened my eyes to realize this is the reality of our life together; I am thankful for the first few months that were wonderful and for the last few months that were not. I think the growing polarization made it easier for me to end it, so I am very thankful for that; I was more afraid of the pain than it actually hurts. I am thankful for being here to say all my thanks. I am thankful for everything. 
  
I am thankful for my life, just as they are right now, I am thankful beyond words for my good fortune, for the blessings the universe bestows on me every single day. I am thankful for the past 10 month, for the love that came back to my life, even if it didn't last very long.  

Soothing my soul

Day 961 - I spent a few hours with friends, an afternoon on my favorite beach; watched the waves rolling and allowed them to wash away my sorrow. I saw a beautiful sunset, a drumming circle... What else can I ask for?? and I almost forgot - I booked my flight to visit my kids. It's been over a year, way too long and all because I allowed someone else's interests or feelings to be ahead of mine, because I am too considerate to the point of self diminishing - never again!!! what the hell I was doing? I think I should not be in a relationship, I obviously don't know how to do it! But, it was a good day and I didn't think it will be, so I am very thankful for that. I washed my soul in the gentle waves of the Mediterranean and basked in this beautiful sunset to make me all content. 
  
I am thankful to good friends who were a good company for a few hours. I am thankful for an amazing afternoon on the beach. I am thankful I'll see my kids in a less than three weeks; I miss them so much!!! 

Cleansing my house

Day 960 - it's over with no going back. I just had enough BS to last for a life time. I was so very patient and so understanding and so tried to make it work, but sometimes all this is just not enough and as hard as this coming month might be, I will be better off at the end of it. And I know well enough that I am strong and can go through a brake-up and not be broken by that. I know I said it so many times in the past few months but I always did it half-ass and left the back door open. This time I didn't. I was so angry and told him on the phone we are through and drove all the way to my old city, just to turn around and drive back to his house and ask him right then and there to give me back everything I had over there. I took everything, even my bikes and my drawing and when I came home I cleansed everything. I wanted to get rid of his chi completely. So all my clothes went to the wash and on top of it I cleaned the whole house and burned a stick of incense in every room; opened every closet door and every drawer to make sure all is clean and I cleaned my bikes and wiped them. So now he is out of this house completely, I just have to start the process of cleaning my mind of him; this will probably take a little longer, but it can and will be done. I am also booking my flight to see my kids; it's been delayed for too long of a time and now that all my other plans are scratched I am just going. I cannot wait to see them, and of course my little granddaughter. I am sad but in a way of closure; sad, but ready to go through the pain and be whole again; sad but determined that there is no going back. I will not even look at any picture to make sure I won't have any second thoughts. I want this to be over; it just cannot go on any longer. 
  
I am thankful for all the good times we had, I am thankful for the bad times as well; too bad they overshadowed the good times to the point of no return. I am thankful I learned in the past few weeks enough to know how to cleanse my house; it sure feels lighter after I was done; true, it smelled like a church or a hippy borrow (which I love, by the way) but at least his spirit and chi was gone. I am thankful I can get on with my life the way I want.  

New year celebration

Day 959 - We drove all the way to my parents’ house, more than 3 hours away, to celebrate the new year with them. A new year is here with us and who know how many we can still enjoy together. So many have passed already that we celebrated apart. Time never takes a brake and it's running out too fast and even now when I live in the same country I don't see them enough. Too busy in my own little world and far enough to put it away for later. So this year's resolution is to come here more often and spend more time with them whenever possible. Sometimes it's very hard for me but I know I'll regret it later when it will be way too late. I do talk with them on the phone every day, so at least that; but coming more should be on my to do list as well. I talked to my dad this morning and he is getting older, no doubt about that and it brakes my heart; how the mighty have fallen; how the cruel time takes its toll on every one. I know it is the natural flow of life but it doesn't make it any easier to witness that and know all too well where we are heading. It is not that I ignore death but I don't like the slow process by which it robs one of everything before it finally strikes. New year is here and I should be all happy but its not that easy. Still I have to be happy for what I have and for whatever lies ahead. Life is not just lightheartedness and fun; it is also about pain and suffering and death and loving life means accepting it all. 
  
I am thankful I am here this holiday to celebrate it with my parents and my daughter. I am thankful for the time I still have with them; I sure don't take it for granted and I am thankful for every such day. I am thankful for being here in this country even if by being here I am so far away from my kids; I wish we could all be together once again.  

New year

Day 958 - it's New Year today, starting this evening and going strong for the next two days. A long weekend. New year, as always, bring thoughts about new beginnings in life. As always, birth and death keeping company to each other, and this new year that is only few hours old is also the end of last year. I look at the past year and I am so thankful for all its wonderful gifts. Its being a very eventful year, full of new beginnings and not too many things that were sad or too difficult. Of course it had its challenges, of course there are things I wish I did differently, things I wish I did period. But over all not much I want to leave behind and not bring with me to the new year. I hope I will be able to repeat these statements many times. I hope I still have many more New Year celebrations with my family. What else can I ask for in a day like that? I feel so lucky for being here in this country with my youngest daughter and that she chooses to celebrate it with me. I wish one day I will be able to celebrate it with my two older kids as well. But -
I am thankful for what I have; I sure don't take it for granted. I know our time is short and I am thankful for every day I have. I am thankful for a wonderful New Year celebration with my daughter, my parents and my sister and her family.

End of year slumber

Day 957 - today was the last day of work for this week. We are getting into a long weekend of our new year. Love it!!! Four days off.
I am thankful for such a long weekend; It will give me time to spend with my family and with my partner. I am thankful for few days of rest and an opportunity to really take time off from our routine.

Preparations for the new year

Day 956 - It is the end of the Jewish year and you feel it all over. We are going to my parents' for the holiday. And my job was to make the traditional fish-balls called "gefilte fisch". My mom didn't want to try and make the gluten free kind so I am responsible for that. A good thing probably since my daughter prefers the ones I make anyway. It is a big thing now that I don't live in the city since I don't know where to buy it here, if at all possible; so I buy my fish from the same store, which means taking my car to work today and after work driving there to pick it up. But it's totally worth it. I got every thing and then came home and cooked it and by now all is ready and we have enough fish to have some we can keep here for when we come back. So I still have to buy a gift for my parents but at least the fish is done, and it came out very good. 
  
I am thankful I already finished cooking; usually I make it at the last minute and I am glad I did it early this time. I am thankful we can be with my parents this year; who knows how much time we still have together. I am thankful for the year that is ending; I will do a more thorough evaluation but for now just to acknowledge it's almost over and what a special year it was. 

Headache

Day 955 - I have a terrible headache. Luckily, I'm not used to it so I feel really bad right now and will try to fall asleep with no medication as soon as I'm done writing, which means in a minute.
I'm thankful this is a rare occurance. I'm thankful it's late enough that I can just call it a day. I hope it will help.