Broken dreams

Day 963 - I wish it was as easy as I wrote yesterday, but it's not. Slowly the realization of this move is sinking in and it hurts so much. I keep asking myself why it got to this point, why we could not keep it the way it was at the beginning? did we get complacent? did we take each other for granted? I cannot find the clear line that took us from there to where we are today; heart broken and so very sad. Were did our train derailed? it is easy enough to blame and this was the initial tendency, but I take responsibility for my part. Had I nipped things at the bud they might not have become the monsters they did. Had I asked for what I need and was not only dotting on his needs; had I knew how to be pampered and asked for it instead of taking that role... The bottom line is that I didn't put the brakes, I was blind to the slow changes and even when I saw, I was ready to give it a chance to change back. This relationship cannot be saved, it came to the point of no return; all I can do now is bury it with trembling hands and bleeding heart and try to move on with my life. 
I really saw myself living with him until our last breath and I still can't believe it will never happen. I see a long and lonely road ahead of me right now. The saddest thing of all is that I know he is in as much pain as I do, maybe even more and yet we could not find a way to make us work as the team we once were, when we hiked the Israel trail seven months ago. I am reading the book "the secret" again, and it claims that we invite everything into our life. How did I invite this break-up? by not believing I deserve this happiness? by not believing it is possible to find my soul mate? And why didn't I? Why didn't I know how to bless everyday to bring more of those tender moments and remove the bad ones. 
It is painful beyond words, beyond feelings; I can hardly breathe. I think I'm still numb and the bigger waves are still ahead. I was fine all day and then I came home and it's overwhelming to me. We moved here and I saw this as a new beginning, I saw moving into this house as building our love nest; I didn't expect it to become the beginning of the end, the grave of our love. What the hell can I be thankful for right now? For a broken heart, for broken dreams? for losing my soul mate, my partner, my love? I didn't even think it will be so difficult; it's tearing me apart. I know I'll come out of it, I know a month or two will pass and I'll see day light again, but I guess I am not ready yet to let go. 
Farewell my dear, sadly it was an impossible love. How I wish things were different...

I am thankful for the tears that finally came; it's the only way to actually heal. I am thankful for the amazing times we had together, for all the dreams and the plans. I am thankful I met him and allowed him into every nook of my heart; I didn't even think it was possible for me to love so much again. I am sure not thankful it ended; even if I know something better might be waiting for me behind the bend of the road.