My Bad Sleep Habits

Day 575 – In reflexology today I got reprimanded for not sleeping enough, for neglecting my body and I know it’s true. I am too easy on giving up sleep and any reason is a good enough reason to sleep less. So I decided that tonight I am going to be really good about that. I am going to write my blog right now and then take a shower and go to sleep. I hope to be in bed by 10:30 pm which will give me almost 8 hours of sleep. Not too bad at all. Now the question is why I do that and I have no good answer, just a very bad habit that I don’t find in me the will power to break. So I am not making any promises, but I want to try to be better about it. I know it is unhealthy and one day my body will not be able to do it anymore. I am burning the candle on both sides and as I get older it is more of a stupid thing to do. My reserves are getting smaller and if I want to go strong for many more years I have to make sure I give my body what it needs – healthy food choices and adequate sleep are the top two but of course there are few more things I have to pay attention to. I have to find a way to stick with it this time and not to make again all these big plans and a week later let it all slide again. I have to learn how to arrange my life in more manageable pieces, so it will not be overwhelming. I have to do a lot of thinking. But right now the most important one is to get into a better sleeping routine. It is all part of self-care, so it should be so easy, but for some reason it is so very hard for me. But not today; at least today I am going to be a good girl and stop writing right now and post this blog and go to sleep.

  

I am thankful for this eye opening talk about sleep. I am thankful that at least today I will hit the pillow in a normal hour. I am thankful for every little change I make, for every act of kindness towards myself; there where many years I didn’t do any and so every little thing counts for so much. I am thankful for a wonderful day.     

Sick Day

Day 574 – I got sick today in the middle of the day, so I left work early. I got home, started a chicken soup and went to sleep. By early evening I was feeling a little better already, and being me, I got bored from working the computer so I decided to work on my last painting some more. I brought it as far as I can without an input from my teacher but I think it is about done. It was wonderful and I really enjoyed working on it, as always. But it was still early and so I started cleaning my house at the beginning only the bathroom and then the kitchen and then I decided to sweep the floor all over the apartment and before I knew it I was washing floors and cleaning counters. So I ended very tired but I have so much to show for the day – few hours of sleep, a chicken soup, a painting and a clean house and let’s not forget about two hours on the phone with a friend. It was a very busy day. I am feeling much better by now and I hope the worst is over. I kept thinking how wonderful a sick day is, I accomplished so much but in second thought I can so it every day – it is totally up to me.   

  

I am thankful I can enjoy even a day I was sick; I am thankful for all the things I managed to do today. I am thankful for my health, for my friends, for heart to heart talks and for some rare and very flattering complements. I am very tired now, so back to sleep I am thankful I can go to sleep no, that I rested so much.

Some Heart to Heart Talks

Day 573 - I went to the hospital to be with my friend at her mom's bedside. It is the same hospital where my daughter was hospitalized a year and a half ago, and even the same ward; too close to home apparently. My eyes welled up and I was a little shaken. But I got better after a few minutes and spend few hours with my friend talking. These are difficult times for her, trying to cope with the bad news that might be only days away, and on top of it she still has to work on other issues that don't take vacation just because she cannot handle it right now. In short it was so good for her to have some company and to be able to purge some of the pressure. And I was so happy I was able to be there with her and for her. That I could help her in her time of need. We always say that this friendship is such a precious gift for both of us. That it took separating from my ex for us finally to get so close. And it is such a gift. Both of our lives are richer for having that. Still these are hard times for her as her as her mom's health is declining and she is inching towards the end. It is so sad to witness it.

I am thankful for this friendship I value so much. I am thankful for a very long heart to heart talk we had in the ward and later for over an hour after we already left the facility. I am thankful I was able to give some of my strength to support her at a time like this. I am thankful for wisdoms I got during the last two years and I can pay it forward. I am thankful for a very moving talk I had with my GF today that touched a very deep cord in both of our hearts. I am thankful for such a powerful and heart moving day.

Analyzing A Painting Class

Day 572 – How do we make each day count? How do we set them apart when all I do is go to work every day where most days nothing really exciting happens there? I cannot keep writing about the same things week after week. Another painting class, another tour guides class, or can I? True, it is again a painting class but no two classes are the same. Take for example today. I had a friend who came to visit until the class started and it turned out she knows my teacher. They met several times in art shows that my friend likes to attend. Or the fact that it was a full house today. We were 5 girls and as it turned out this is the most we can accommodate and still have enough space to move around and paint. We all know each other and at some point during this master class they were here but not all of us together; and it was a very special experience. There is a very special and very positive energy in this group setting and the fact we are doing it here at my house makes it so much more everyone loves it and we are all sorry it is almost over. Next week will be our last session and then we will resume it in September back at the studio with the whole group. It is sad to think it’s over; I had a great time, we all did and we feel it was so worth it. I even talked to one of my friends to keep working here after the class is over, just the two of us. Or take the pictures we paint. There is this girl who joined us during this summer workshop; she started with pencils like all of us but she already did today her first color painting, and it came out so beautiful. Or another one who is so good she usually paint two large size canvases in one session, whereas most of us won’t even finish one painting every 2 or 3 classes. And then there is the one who paint with so much attention to details it takes her few sessions to finish, but her paintings are exquisite; so delicate and beautiful. And there is one who is the only one of us still married and is a mother to three young children; it is always a struggle for her to come to our class but she probably needs this time off more than any of us and she is so talented it is a real pleasure to see her paintings unfold. And then there is me. And I love to paint and I find so much calm and peace in this class, and regardless if I am talented or not, I found a place and a way to reach down into my soul and bring out of it a very fresh and creative side of me. And I love it dearly. Just the thought of not painting for two weeks, while I’m away, makes me sad. In short, it might sound the same but it never is. Every session is different, every meeting is very unique and everything we get out of the locked compartments of our soul is giving us so much more freedom and happiness.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful painting class; probably the best we had so far. I am thankful for a real progress I made with my paintings. I am thankful we get to know each other in such a different way; we get to hear real life stories of each one of us. Today I even read a poem during our break, as did our teacher. I am thankful for a day that sound like routine but was anything but routine; for a wonderful day.            

Getting Drunk

Day 571 – I went out with my daughter around noon time for coffee. We had a long talk about boys and their role in our lives; about disappointments and broken hearts; about how callous one should be while choosing a mate. In short a very depressing conversation. At some point I was really feeling bad already. What advise can I give her when I cannot make any good choice? When every time I think I might found the right guy things are starting to shake again and I see another house of cards fall into ruins. How can I tell her what way to go when I have no clue? Is there really any solution to this equation? If there is, it is hiding from me; I am clueless. As tears started their way up I asked her if she wants to get drunk. She loved the idea; and we agreed that as always, it is 5pm somewhere on the planet right now, so we are golden. She ordered margarita, and I mojito. We also ordered a large order of fries and water. But it was early and I have almost zero tolerance for alcohol (which is a family joke since everyone else in the family can hold their alcohol very well) and this one drink was enough for me to get a major buzz. I don’t think I was really drunk, I don’t think it’s even possible, but I did have the biggest buzz I ever had. And so we sat there and talked and laughed and the atmosphere definitely got better. I don’t think we had any better solutions but it was not so pressing anymore; and she got to see me as close to drunk as she ever did and it made her very happy. And I had a lot of fun as well. It is several hours later, I am not any smarter about how to make relationships work, but I am not going to worry about it now. I know the real one will come only if I will stop looking for it and so I am not going to look for Mr. Right any more. Is this relationship I have right now going to survive? I am not sure. Too many question marks are popping in the past few days. And I am flying for two weeks to visit my children, which will put more stress on it; but only time will tell. Maybe we can still do something with it; maybe we can still make it as nice as it looked few weeks ago. But I am OK no matter what. I don’t need a relationship to define me, only to add value and if it doesn't then I don’t need it. And today I am so happy I got to spend time with my daughter and even to get really frustrated and sad. it’s all part of the complex people we are, it’s all part of the love and respect we have for each other.

 

I am thankful I got to spend such special time with my daughter. I am thankful for the first time in my life I got even close to being drunk. I am thankful for candid talk, for her trust. I am thankful for low moments, for sad moments; for all the ups and downs of life. I am thankful for this long weekend we got to spend together. And I am thankful for some uneasy truths I try too many times to hide from my conscience self that surface at times like that.      

Girls' Power

Day 570 – (I was so tired i forgot to press the "post" button and discovered it only many hours later. Ooops...)
This the evening I went with my daughter to meet two friends from work from a different office who are here only for a few days; it was us them and two more work friends from our very own office. All except one were also last night at the girls' evening so the atmosphere was already warm and friendly. We met them at the hotel for Sabbath dinner that was excellent,  and the conversation was flowing. When they closed the restaurant we moved to the lobby and we kept going for a very long time. Some of the conversation was very serious, personal hurts and pains from the past, some that never heal; but after we covered this subject the atmosphere became lighter and we were laughing, making jokes and just have really good time. By the time we got home it was after 1 am. I am not used to evening like these but it is a lot of fun and I am so happy for that.  

I am thankful for a fun filled evening. I am thankful I didn’t have to choose between them or my daughter and we all hung out together. I am thankful for a fun filld day – going to the beach and tanning, and a special evening to top it. I am thankful for a very special day.   

Girls' Party

Day 569 - one of my friends from work decided to have a party in her new apartment, a girls' party. She invited about 20 women. Each one brought some food or wine and we had a blast. It is my first home party since I moved here and I really enjoyed it. It was a mix of her work friends and other friends so I had all my work friends there and it was a lot of fun to meet outside of the office and see a very different side of us, just hang out and enjoy some time together. I used to throw parties every year when I lived abroad for a much larger crowd in our backyard. In the last few years there, as our marriage deteriorated, I didn't feel like doing it anymore. But I think that now is the right time to start again. I want to have a party, a girls party, just like the one I had tonight, and I want to have dinner in my house every once in a while. I love it and there's no reason not to start doing it. So I think something good is going to come out of tonight's party, something very good; a shift in my attitude. This is not a temporary situation, this is my new life, and I should start developing some rituals that will make me happy, like Sabbath dinners and parties and more ideas as they'll come.
 
I am thankful for a wonderful party tonight, I had a blast. I am thankful to my friend for having this party and for inviting me to join it. I am thankful to my friends who made it such a success. I am thankful it made me rethink some of my actions and hopefully opened some new horizons, new possibilities for me. I am thankful, like every day, for another wonderful day.

A Serious Talk About Relationships

Day 568 – opps - I somehow posted the wrong entry, a one from few days ago. It comes to show how tires I was yesterday night when I did it. The problems is that I am at work right now and I can't post the right one until the evening when I'll be back home. So my appologies, and please come back in about 10 hours and you'll know more about this serious talk I had with my daughter about relationships. It was such a great evening and she is the only one who can really open my eyes to my blind spots, to behaviors and issues I neglect to see. So even before I post here the correct entry I am thankful to my amazing daughter for who she is, and for our very special relations; I am so blessed to have that as part of my life.

so here goes the right entry:

Day 568 – my daughter was a little sick in the past few days and today she came back home, a day early. At 10:00pm, coming back from some shopping, we decided we are hungry and went for a very late evening dinner. It is always something we really love here – you can go out and eat so late, actually the restaurant was packed. And we live in a sleepy city; in the big city you have to wait for sitting for a long time even at 1:00 am! It’s a city that never sleeps. But in our city at 11:30 the restaurant was half empty and the street are not as packed as they were at 10:00pm. We had a very long discussion about relationships and about being able to commit to it; about keeping the back door open, the escape route and actually how to try and make sure we don’t do that. It is not easy; as we collect battle scars we are less open, more afraid. And we are very good at giving ourselves a narrative that is not accurate; sometime it is straight not true. I was surprised at some of the things she told me since I had such a different picture of myself and my behavior. I know it all she said came from a very loving and caring place and I take it as such, as a loving and constructive act. Looking at some of my behaviors, or at least my thoughts I realized I was not fair in my latest relationship and had an agenda, even if it was not clear to me and my agenda was to prove it cannot work, even when on the surface I wanted it to work. I guess I want the fuzzy and warm feeling of having someone again in my life, but on the other hand, I am so afraid it will not work that I am looking under every rock for an excuse, a reason. And my decision tonight - I am not hiding behind anything anymore. I am ready to tell myself I want to rebuild my life and part of it is to find a partner again.

 

I am thankful my daughter is here tonight. I am thankful for a wonderful conversation that opened my eyes and my heart a little more. I am thankful for an amazing talk I had with my GF this morning, more or less about the same things; it is not a given we can talk on such high level of candidness and honesty and still keep feeling safe. I am thankful for a wonderful day and for a goodnight sleep that is coming my way so very soon.    

My Art Teacher

Day 567– another Tuesday and another painting class. It is always such a pleasure I never get tired of it. My teacher had some ideas about how to go with my latest painting and it's really interesting. At the beginning I just took his advices, I did not understand what's going on, what's the right way to continue, what is missing; where is the whole thing going. I could see other students, more advanced than me discussing things with him but I didn't get it; I just did whatever suggestion he had and it always improved the picture, so I was very satisfied. But now things are different, especially with my last few pictures. I suddenly broke through a barrier in my mind by going abstract, and apparently I also touched a very deep cord in my soul. Now I have opinions, now I feel if something can make it better or not. Now I listen to what he has to say but then we go into a discussion. I didn't even realize this is going on until our lesson this evening. He felt I have to touch few places to make the composition stronger, I agreed that it is not done yet but we had a whole discussion about the "what". In the past he'd ask for the brush and touch the painting where he thought it needed it; now he wanted to do that but I told him not to, I'll do it myself; it has to be my way, my touch. He suggested adding something black on the left side of the picture to balance the rings on the right and I agreed but not where he thought I should add it and not the way he thought and I am very happy with the end result. I don't know how the picture would have looked had I take his suggestions; but the truth is it's OK with me. I know how it really looks and this is how it resonates better with me; so for me it is the right way. This is not coming from disrespect, on the contrary, I respect his insight and talent and I listen with very open mind to everything he has to say; but I am the final editor and I make improvements, but in a way that it works with my harmony, my heart. And I learn so much in the process. He always explain where the problems are coming from, talks about balance and answers in different parts of the picture and it makes me look at it in a very different way, in a more critical eye. And I absolutely love it. I think I learn the most out of these discussions.

  

I am thankful, once again, to this amazing gift in my life; for the ability I found in me to pour my heart on a canvas and rejoice in it, or cry with it; just be there, totally in the moment. I am thankful for my teacher's guidance every step of the way; I would not be able to be in the place I am today without his amazing ability to teach and listen and guide so patiently, with so much gentleness. I am thankful for this summer workshop; it is an experience like no other; both for us we get to know each other on a very different level of intimacy, and on a more artistic level – with such a close tutelage we learn so much more than we'd ever be able to learn in a class. I am thankful, so very thankful for all these gifts I am receiving on a daily basis; I feel so blessed.  

An Art Show

Day 566 – at some point I have to find a balance between togetherness and alone time; between a blossoming relationship and the rest of my life. I have to find a way to include all the facets of my life otherwise I might fall again in the same pitfalls I had before; I cannot loose myself just because I enjoy this warm and fuzzy feeling long forgotten. We are both struggling with it right now. But if we cannot find a way to do that we won’t last very long - too much of a good thing is still too much. I had to fight long and hard to find who I am and what I want, to find my own path and I don’t want to ever lose it again. So today, since we spend all of yesterday together, we have alone time. After work I went to see an art show where my art teacher is one of the artists on display, and I stayed there for a long time. Now that I am also painting, I am looking at an art show with a very different eye; I am checking techniques, “how did he make it look like water”, “how did she make the bark of the tree so real”. I am looking at themes and compositions,  at different ways to present a subject, different approaches to reality; in short I am looking the artist’s way, with my heart and my eyes; and I love this new way to look at it, the more personal and observing way. I even wrote in the visitors’ book, something I never did before, because now I realize how scary it is to put oneself out like that and how important every positive feedback is. It makes me so happy to be able to look at a show this way and enjoy it so much more because of that. I also got today in the mail an invitation to another art show and I loved the picture they put on the cover so much; and again I looked at it with astonishment how she made the foam of the waves on the beach so real; I think I’ll try to do that tomorrow in my painting class. I loved the moodiness of the picture and the dreaminess I love this kind of atmosphere; a perfect one for me, if I can only find a way to bring it from the eye and head to the brushes and the canvas.  

  

I am thankful for a day full of art; a food for my soul. I am thankful I managed to have a day full of excitement. I am thankful I have as much art in my life as I want; I am thankful for all the gifts it brings to me. I am thankful I have someone in my life I so want to be with, that I have to force myself to stay away some times. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life.

My First Yoga Class in Three Years

Day 565 - My GF (instead of boyfriend) told me about a yoga class he is taking that is very good. So I decided to come to one class and see if I like the way they do it. Yoga is something very personal so if the is no chemistry with the teacher and if you don't like the way they teach it cannot work. I love yoga, I did it for years when I lived abroad but the last year there was too tolling on me and I stopped practicing. And now since I moved here, I didn't come back to it yet. So I made sure it is ok with him if I'll be in the same class, which he assured me it was, and I left work a little early today to get to class on time. It is a begginers class but after three years I am really a beginner once again. My body just lost so much strength and flexibility (which was not great to begin with). Never the less, it was such a great class and such a great feeling. I forgot how good the body feels after a yoga session, I could feel how I walk taller and with a straighter back, how I breath deeper and better. I could feel the deep relaxation, yet full presence feeling that follow a good yoga class. I love it so much; I don't know how I let it slip out of my life, but I am bringing it back.
 
I am thankful for finding this great practice again, for a great class and great rewards it brings with it. I am thankful to my GF for telling me about it, for encouraging me to join it too. I am thankful for yoga class, for a great evening on the beach with him, for great and intelectually challenging discussions; I love it about him. I am thankful for amazing gifts that are so abundant in my life it sometimes leaves me breathless; I feel so blessed and I am so thankful for that.

Painting From My Heart

Day 564 – It was a slow day today. By the time I went to sleep this morning it was already 5 am and the truth is I could not fall asleep so it was even later and for some unknown reason I woke up at 7am. i tried to make up some of the lost sleep during the day but not much. When my daughter left to meet with some friends instead of going to sleep I started painting and I finished several hours later when she came back. But during that time I took a paining I started last Wednesday and had no idea where I am going with it and I created something I am very pleased with. Unlike last week I am not sure it is done yet and I have few more days to look at it and decide but even now I like how it came out and the direction my paintings are taking; very abstract, just a lot of colors and movement. I still don’t know how I will go from there but it makes me very happy to see these latest painting and to know I had to break so many barriers in order to make them. I had to find in me a place that doesn’t ask for explanations, a place that is ready to feel and vibrate; to think on different wave length. I had to abandon logic which is huge for me and agree to let my imagination and my heart take over. These are painting without words, thus from the other side of my brain, from another part of my heart and I am so happy I managed to connect to it. And the most important thing here is that it is totally my creativity and imagination; I didn’t see it anywhere. And this, by all means is something very important; because no matter if I am talented or not, the artist in me found a voice and a way out, after so many years of being blocked.

  

I am thankful for a quiet day after the very busy last two days. I am thankful I had time to paint; I love it so much and it gives me so much peace and happiness. I am thankful I found a voice of my own and I am creating something out of nothing. I am thankful the blocked artist is blocked no more. I am thankful for an amazing weekend of music and paintings and the wonderful company of my daughter.    

An Amazing Concert

Day 563 – We attended the second concert in the desert. And tonight it was "The Project of Idan Reichel" and it was absolutely amazing. I have the CDs of this show but a live performance of it is infinitely better. The energy, the enthusiasm of the 14 members group and the connection with the sold out crown brought it to a totally different level. This is a good enough reason to buy a ticket and drive 3 hours in the middle of the night back home, nothing can  compare to the performance of last night; it was such an amazing and uplifting performance. He is such a talented musician and every artist on stage contribute to this electrifying experience; there are no words to describe it. You have to be there to understand. Just a big wow!! We drove back home after the show and it is now almost 5am now so this is a very short entry, I have to wake up in less than 4 hours, but as I said it was totally worth it – the amazing performance as well as the wonderful setting of a concert in the desert. I will do it again next year, for sure.

 

I am thankful for an amazing night of so much energy and so much talent on one stage. I am thankful I finally got to see a performance of this group; I listened to the CDs and knew how great they are but it’s nothing like witnessing it firsthand. I am thankful to my daughter for an amazing weekend we spent together, it was so very special and I am so thankful she was willing to do that. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, even if only for a short time and that it is Saturday so I will have a chance to make up the missing hours later in the day. 

Concert in the Desert

Day 562 - it is a special holiday here today called The Holiday of Love. I will not go into the explanations of the origin and all but will mention the fact that it is a night of a full moon and there are many outdoors musical events all over the country. I decided to go with my daughter to one of them - a performance by Mati Caspi and a female singer named Riki Gal. I saw Mati Caspi only few weeks ago with the man I'm seeing, but it was with a different singer as a companion so a very different set of songs and a very different atmosphere. Besides it is an outdoors event in the desert, under a full moon and with my beloved daughter - I wouldn't miss it for the world. And tomorrow there is in the same place another performance by Idan Reichel so we are going to see two amazing artists in one weekend. The performance was great, the setting very pleasant and we even put to a good use the new folding beach chairs I just bought. But I have to admit the one I saw few weeks ago was better - more energy, more chemistry between the performers and more talent; not Mati Caspi, he is great as always, but I am not such a big fan of Riki Gal. We are spending the night at my parent's and tomorrow night, after the show we'll drive back home. I am so happy we came here for this exciting weekend. Originally my guy friend (how the hell am I suppose to call him, boyfriend sounds so silly for a guy over the age of 60, doesn't it?) was suppose to come too but change of plans in his family prevented him from doing that, I hope we will have another chance to go to a desert concert, it is such a special experience.


I am thankful for such a wonderful day. I am thankful for a very special experience of a concert in the desert. I am thankful for a day I got to spend with my daughter. I know it is the last thing she wants to do - staying in the desert of an extra day and a half, and I am really thankful to her, knowing well she did it in order to spend time with me.

Painting class

Day 561 - we had a painting class today at my house. I was really waiting for this class since I wanted to get my teacher's opinion about my latest painting. I thought it is done but I needed a professional opinion. Well, I got it. He thought just as I did that there is nothing I can add to it. Now I am on to the next one, not enough to show it here but I have fun going through it. It donned on me how much these lessons are more than just another class; we become friends along the way. We learn about each other's history, challenges and triumphs; we bond. I am sure that next year the class experience will be very different for the few who took the summer workshop. And just the thought that a man in the stature of our teacher is at our disposal in such an intimate and private manner; that we get to learn from him so much more since there are only 3 of us in this endeavor; it is an honor and a privilege.


I am thankful I could take my last painting all the way to the end without any input; it means I am learning to see better which is really important. I am thankful for a most enjoyable class today. I am thankful for this semi-private lessons experience it is so much fun for all of us; we learn so much about each other so it is an exercise in intimacy as well. I am thankful for new friendships we forge while painting; for such a special opportunity. I am thankful for yet one more wonderful day.