A Serious Talk About Relationships

Day 568 – opps - I somehow posted the wrong entry, a one from few days ago. It comes to show how tires I was yesterday night when I did it. The problems is that I am at work right now and I can't post the right one until the evening when I'll be back home. So my appologies, and please come back in about 10 hours and you'll know more about this serious talk I had with my daughter about relationships. It was such a great evening and she is the only one who can really open my eyes to my blind spots, to behaviors and issues I neglect to see. So even before I post here the correct entry I am thankful to my amazing daughter for who she is, and for our very special relations; I am so blessed to have that as part of my life.

so here goes the right entry:

Day 568 – my daughter was a little sick in the past few days and today she came back home, a day early. At 10:00pm, coming back from some shopping, we decided we are hungry and went for a very late evening dinner. It is always something we really love here – you can go out and eat so late, actually the restaurant was packed. And we live in a sleepy city; in the big city you have to wait for sitting for a long time even at 1:00 am! It’s a city that never sleeps. But in our city at 11:30 the restaurant was half empty and the street are not as packed as they were at 10:00pm. We had a very long discussion about relationships and about being able to commit to it; about keeping the back door open, the escape route and actually how to try and make sure we don’t do that. It is not easy; as we collect battle scars we are less open, more afraid. And we are very good at giving ourselves a narrative that is not accurate; sometime it is straight not true. I was surprised at some of the things she told me since I had such a different picture of myself and my behavior. I know it all she said came from a very loving and caring place and I take it as such, as a loving and constructive act. Looking at some of my behaviors, or at least my thoughts I realized I was not fair in my latest relationship and had an agenda, even if it was not clear to me and my agenda was to prove it cannot work, even when on the surface I wanted it to work. I guess I want the fuzzy and warm feeling of having someone again in my life, but on the other hand, I am so afraid it will not work that I am looking under every rock for an excuse, a reason. And my decision tonight - I am not hiding behind anything anymore. I am ready to tell myself I want to rebuild my life and part of it is to find a partner again.

 

I am thankful my daughter is here tonight. I am thankful for a wonderful conversation that opened my eyes and my heart a little more. I am thankful for an amazing talk I had with my GF this morning, more or less about the same things; it is not a given we can talk on such high level of candidness and honesty and still keep feeling safe. I am thankful for a wonderful day and for a goodnight sleep that is coming my way so very soon.