Day 695 - few years ago I watched the movie The Bucket List with my daughter and I loved the idea of building such a list, of having a list of the things I want to do before I kick the bucket. My list is very long of course; sometimes I joke that it's so long I'll never die, but I slowly go through this list, fulfilling some dreams, scrapping some that I don't see any more as a "must do" and adding new ones; it is a live list and it reflects me and how I feel at any given moment. I really like the idea and it surprises me that not many more people have such lists. One of the biggest items on my list is hiking the Israel Trail. It is a 940 km long trail, and was recently chosen as one of the 10 best trails in the world. It is a difficult one and special and I have it on my list from the first day I assembled it. During my hikes with my hiking group we walked sections of the trail but the ultimate way to do that is to hike it all at once. At my age and physical condition it will probably take about two and a half months. Can you even imagine - staying outdoors, subjected to the elements for such a long time? walking slowly along the path like a turtle, carrying all my food, water and survival supplies on my back... I am a hopeless romantic, I am also a woman who likes to reach for the impossible, or at least to test her limits to the breaking point. So of course this trail is a big item on my list. Sadly, I cannot just get off the wagon for two months; I cannot just leave my work and go on the road. But I still want to do that. So I figured it is OK to make the trail in 3-4 sections. It still gives me the feeling of being on the road for a long time; it still challenges me with the struggle of utmost exhaustion and weather the elements and being in the desert in the middle of the winter; it is still a timeout I will carve out of my life for something that is both physical and spiritual journey. And as I said a while back my partner already walked this trail in its entirety, and he is ready to walk it again with me. We are planning to start it next month so the next few weeks will be very busy with shopping for the right items, and some serious training so we will not be totally unfit when we hit the trail. It is a serious trail and one should not take it lightly, because it can end badly for the unprepared. I am so excited about this upcoming epic journey; even in sections, it is still a huge feat. And I am so happy I have such an amazing partner for this journey; I know it will be the most bonding experience one can have. I feel the road is calling me; the next few weeks it will get stronger and it will be so hard to wait for this trip to begin... I am sooo excited about it!!
Day 691 - I was reading today the devil card. It talks about our inner demons. As one embarks on the path of self discovery these demons will raise their ugly heads as well. With every step I take forward, with every new truth I find, they will try to pull me back to where I was before, or pull me into new traps and detours. It is part of the journey to uncover these negative forces and influences in my life, both internal and external and deal with them until they are no longer a threat to me. The main problem is of course to unveil them. they are so good at disguise, they look so innocent, they pretend that it is best for me. So now I have to sit back and check my everyday life, my assumptions and the little voices whispering in my ear and separate the good from the bad, keep the first and solve the later. Now I have to find out what are my demons, what is holding back from getting forward on my journey for self discovery, of fulfillment. Only by giving them name and face, only by bringing it out of the unconscious mind and into the light I can make them go away, I can clear my path and go forward. So far I feel this is one of the most difficult tasks and I feel a little uneasy - facing my demons, brrrr.
Day 689 - another very long night. We were talking and talking and suddenly I looked at the clock and found out it's almost 4 am. I love the fact we have so much of common interests but it is so very late I am going to sleep now and will write more tomorrow, I will also try to be more responsible.
Day 686 - The winter is finally here with rain showers and strong winds. I am here at home and since the house is not air tight I can hear and feel the winds, but luckily it is not cold yet so I can enjoy the fact that I can be tucked safely here with a man I like very much and just listen to what's going on outside and not be part of it. Suddenly I thought of the birds who have nowhere to go but duck and weather it or worse yet homeless people that have to be outside in a night like that. I fell so blessed for having a shelter and strong walls to protect me for the gale, that I have a roof over my head. As much as I always say that money is not something I care much about but in a day like that I am thankful I can afford to rent a place and not be subjected to the elements.
Day 685 - another night of very long talks on the phone. Hours upon hours of deep and very personal conversations; of allowing another human being to see my wounds and battle scars, and he was doing the same in front of me. This is the epitome of intimacy, of getting close and personal, of getting to know each other, just as we are. With no masks and no pretense. It is so difficult for me to stay present when I feel overflown with emotions; it is hard to stay and not close off, to ignor all the alarms, knowing full well my heart will break if this won't work and not brace it, but leave it open and soft. But his love and endless tenderness, his patience and ability to accept it all creates a safe heaven for me. I did not even realize how hurt I still am until now. We talked about something that brought past memories and suddenly my eyes flooded with tears. As much as I try, I don't get it how a man can hurt so much the people he suppose to love the most, how I stayed in that place for so many years, how I allowed it to happen, how I was so blind. The tenderness opened the gates of the dam; the gates of my tears. I am crying but i know it is cleansing for me. And I feel that regardless of the outcome of this relationship , of what the future holds for us together, he is a gift sent to me from above and I am so very thankful for that. 
Day 684 - My life is so uneventful right now that it's actually a problem for me to find something to write about, or maybe it's not my life but the way I look at them, my point of view. I have a nagging suspicion it's the later. Nothing really change that much and if anything I am so excited about this new man in my life, about the tarot reading I am studying with him, about my daughter's life after the army, about the war that did not escalate and stayed a fire exchange but no ground forces involvement. and still I find nothing to write about. I am not sure why but it sure needs some thinking, what's going on, why am I not interested in all that; why am I on a limbo. I was reading about the strength card of the tarot; about raising the walls between us and the outside world; the reasons for these walls and their importance; it talks about finding the right path for us and taking it, finding the inner strength for change. All right to the point; suddenly in the midst of my joyful run I got stuck and I am looking for the energy to move again. I know it will come and I am taking the right steps to make it happen; but for the next few days or weeks I have to explore and find in me the strength I lost to get on the road again, to get my life wagon out of the rut and onto the road. I know I can do it, I dug myself out of the deepest rut possible; so this is nothing but a little bump on the road, I can do it. I know I can. 
Day 683 - We spend our weekend at my parents and it was very nice. I didn't visit them for more than 3 months and it's really not OK. it's the longest I was away since I moved back to this country. I promised myself it will not happened again. There's really no reason, just me being lazy about the long drive and allowing other things to get in the way. But I have to walk my talk. They are so dear to me and their biological clock is ticking and everyday that past is a day closer to the end of the road. It's true for everyone of course but their road is so much shorter so every day is moving them so much faster to the end. I don't want to get to that point with a heavy heart for I was lazy. We both felt the same so we agreed to drive there about once a month from now on. So I am not sure that every month can hold, but every month and a half for sure can work into any schedule. The weekend was so relaxing and we could sleep a lot and just enjoy not doing much, small talks and being in their company. I for sure got a lot of extra sleep hours. Something very important for the week to come. We drove back to the big city for a concert of classical music, the first since I moved here and we both enjoyed it very much. It was such a great weekend, a very special time with my parents and my daughter. I feel so blessed for having all these wonderful people in my life.
