Lovingkindness meditation

Day 1639 - am almost midnight meditation, trying to cultivate a path with heart, which is how I want to live my life, as many days and years as I have left on this lovely planet in this life cycle. May I be filled with lovingkindness May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy. So simple yet so profound. If slowly I will be able to include everything on this planet, then I know I made something good with my life. I added my little share to the goodness surrounding us. I am thankful for every meditation I do, for every little step along the path.

The jackals

Day 1638 - our evening concert just started, the jackals in the nature preserve adjacent to the house are howling to the moon. It's so strange to hear wild animals in the middle of a bustling city. This is the beauty of Haifa and the special place this house is located in. I feel so lucky to be in such close proximity to the natural flow of life and enjoy not only all the convenience of a modern city but also this little reminder of nature.

Tuesday is twice as good and even more

Day 1637 - in the creation of the world on Tuesday God saw twice that things are good. So according to our tradition tuesday is a blessed day. In our small and narrow world Tuesday is a very special day since we close the store at 2 pm thus have an afternoon for ourselves when we are not too tired to do anything. It was not an easy decision for a store that barely keeps itself in the black but week after week we get the affirmation that it was the right thing to do. Our clients just come earlier on Tuesday and buy well so by 2 pm we are more than ok with our stats. Today was no exception, actually it was better than ever thus we went home elated. In two days we had sales worth of half a month of work. Someone is smiling at us from above. So we had a nice early dinner on our lovely porch, watched a movie and still can go to sleep in a normal hour, luxuries that are possible only on Tuesdays. I am thankful for everything. For the joy of a short day, for the promise of a good sale, for a lovely dinner and for hours of fun I spend with my partner; non of all that I take for granted and I am thankful for everything, for all the blessings in my life.

A very special day in the store

Day 1636 - it is a very slow month so far in the store and its not easy to stay optimistic under these conditions. So we are trying to weigh our options. And today was a so so day when a woman stepped into the store and asked if its ok if she'll look around a little. Half an hour later she walked out of the store after purchasing the single most expensive article in the store. We just came back from delivering it to her home since its also very heavy and delicate. This comes to show us once again to never give up. Things can change in a moment. In this one purchased she doubled the income of the store for this month so far. And we were thrilled to say goodby to an item that was here with us as of day one of our store. I have to admit I didn't believe it will ever sell and considered it as part of the decor. But I was proved wrong and I am so thankful to be in this position.

Two weeks

Day 1635 - two weeks since my dad passed away and it still didn't sink in. It's hard to grasp the fact that he is not here anymore. I continue in my daily routine; I work, I shop, I cook and I even had a fun outing yesterday and yet underneath it all there is this void he left behind. I talk to my mom and there no dad to ask about. I will soon visit there and it will be only to visit my mom. Parents are a fixed feature in our lives and even when they get older they are 'there'. But now the game plan has forever changed. And yet I am so thankful I had him as my dad for so many years and I am happy I came back here when I did thus having the chance to spend his last years close to him and in such good relationship. It's never 'making up' for the lost time but at least not creating a bigger void. And on my very selfish side - I got to spend some precious time with him. And I sure am thankful for that. I can't even imagine being still abroad when my dad passed away.

Day 1634 - a day trip to the old city of Acco. A lovely day, good food, a beautiful Unesco heritage site and being there with my love makes it even better experience. I learned about some new places there and showed him others he didn't see before. All together a very special day.

Day 1633 - I am tired beyond control. I am falling asleep as I type. I really don't understand why but it doesn't change the facts

A clean house

Day 1632 - coming home at the end of a long day to a sparkly clean house is a wonderful feeling. Even more so today our cleaning lady did not come last week and it sure felt like that. As usual, the little things that make our day. A clean house, folded laundry... Not much in the great scheme of things, but so meaningful for me. Of course I can do it myself and I did until we moved here, but we work very long hours and I don't want to spend the little time I have cleaning my house. Every week when I enter the house after she cleaned it I am thankful again for that decision

Day 1631 -

Coping

Day 1629 - I forgot to publish my blog thus it is now gone. Oops... Day 1630 - getting back to normal is a mixed feeling issue for me. How can I go back to my life when my dad just passed away? I still find it hard to grasp that he is not here with us anymore. I go through my daily life and some of it loses its significance. What is the meaning of our lives? One moment you are here and the next you are not. Last week we were crying for the loss of a father and the next we were joking and laughing, and making future plans while he is still gone. How easy it is in our very hectic world to keep moving forwards and leave almost everything behing. I loved my dad very much so I'm trying to think how can I do it differently. We were sitting on our porch this evening and talking about our late parents. My partner lost his mom a year and a half ago so we had some feelings and thoughts we can share, knowing it will be understood; it was good for me. Connecting, not just moving on. And sadly it made me realize I was not there enough for my partner when his mom passed away. Only now I see that. How sad. He is so supportive, not only here but in everything I go through, I wish I could be like that too. Some people are so receptive and intro reprieve they can read you like an open book and he is one of them. I am so thankful to him for this evening of tender talk and gentle memories. An evening that helps soothing the soul.

Day 1628 - back home after a week away from life regular pulse. It's hard and sombering and it puts everything in a new perspective. You can't come out of a week like that the same. I am thankful I got yet another opportunity to reexamine my life, check my priorities and re-adjust. I sure will take the time to do just that.

Day 1627 - the last day of our "Shiva". Tomorrow morning we go to the cemetery and then go back to our homes. It was a very intense day today with many visitors, all close family members. And yet we found time for some more personal time, some good heart to heart discussions. It's a very interesting process we all went through and an amazing bonding experience. I am sure we will look on this week as a milestone in our family dynamics. I thing it is the last great gift my dad bestowed on us; to make the bond stronger and more meaningful. I am thankful to everyone for their love and caring, for opening their hearts and most of all for an amazing lesson about inclusion, patience and acceptance. I am feeling so greatful for my amazing family. This is the true legacy of my father.

Day 1626 - Friday night here at my parents' home. Sad because my dad is not here with us. Very tense because the emotions are very raw, shouts, tears... But it ended on a good note thanks to my brother. He was ready to do what ever he can to bring everyone back into the circle. I was trying to do some mending but it didn't work so well. The day started well but as it progressed the stress built up until it exploded. I would prefer it didn't happen but we are all part of a family who just lost its father so it's easy to understand. Friday night, one of many without my dad. I planned to spend this weekend with my kids; I didn't think it will be here and under these cicumstances. I am

Day 1625 - it was a day with some very pleasant visits. If you forget the solemn reason for this gathering you can think of it as a fun day. But then you wake up into mindfulness and the fun is all but gone. My dad is not here anymore. This most beloved man is forever gone. I know that the dad I miss is long gone, that in the past few months he was less and less present; less interactive, even less sharp. And the saddest of all less happy and cheerful. But still we all held tight to the little left of him and hope he will be better. But he didn't and he never will and that is left for us is to decide what we want to enscribe on his tombstone. How very sad.

Being brutally candid

Day 1624 - at the evening after all the visitors are gone its only us, the family. And so we started talking and before you know it things started pouring out of very hurt people. And so for the next few hours we all heard stories and especially a lot of pain. It was very painful since it is was from my kids, thus too close to home and the thought of what my kids had to bear and still carry with them is just awful and it makes me feel so bad about staying as long as I did. But what is more important is that they feel comfortable and secure enough to open their hearts and bring out to the open for the first time their bleeding hearts and I think this will be the beginning of a healing process. My daughter is far along that way where my son only starting it. But the first step is the most difficult one and it happened here in this circle of trust that was forged over the last few days. I am thankful to my kids for opening up and trusting. I am thankful to my family that embraced them. I am thankful for this "shiva" process that enabled all this to take place.