Loving My New Apartment

Day 164 – I went this morning to look for some furniture for my apartment. I started this on Wednesday, but I wanted to see what’s available and f something strikes my fancy. I was there today for four hours and by the end of it I found what I was looking for. But I wanted to see it in my apartment, now that I know the dimensions, so to make sure it will look ok since there are some serious limitations. I was most concerned about the dining set, since the room is very small, but it seems to be ok. I also realized that the living room set I am looking at will have to change its direction from left to right arm position, so I am very happy I checked. I was thinking a lot today about this act of buying furniture. It is a big statement, and I was not ready to make it for a very long time. When I first came here I didn’t even buy washer or a refrigerator, I was not ready. I preferred to hand wash my cloths than to say I am here to stay. In less than three weeks I will celebrate the first anniversary to my move here and what better way I can do it then by saying, after a year I feel like it is not a fluke, I feel I belong here, I feel at home. This evening after I came back from a free event to celebrate the Sabbath with singing and dancing and a special performance by a great female performer, well known, but the show was not anything like the one I saw yesterday, I continued to assemble my bed and then I decided to take the evening off. I discontinue my work, made dinner and now I am sitting on the only chair I have here, with feet on the very simple coffee table I bought last year (will upgrade it now), I put on music and I am typing away, the plan is after I am done writing to start reading the book I bought today at a used books dealer; I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the Sabbath, a better way to say – I am happy and content. I am at peace. I love this new apartment, it radiates warmth and comfort and I respond by relaxing into it. It felt right from the moment we stepped in and I am so happy it keeps feeling like that. Now I just hope to get soon the living room set I didn’t even order yet, so it will be even nicer and more like home.

I am thankful to my friend who convinced me to go to the Sabbath celebration today, I had a good time and I am glad I went. I am thankful I bumped today at the event into the same friend I went to the concert yesterday – it was a nice surprise. I am thankful I am doing things with more awareness – it is not just buying furniture – it’s a statement and an anchor I put into the turbulent water in an attempt to stabilize my life, to give them meaning. I am thankful for a work free evening; it is so great to take a break, even if a short one. I am thankful, so thankful for moving here and enjoying it so much. I am thankful for this apartment.

An Amazing Evening

Day 163 – few weeks ago I saw an ad at work for tickets to a performance by my favorite national singer. I bought two tickets right away, not knowing if my youngest daughter will be here or not, but just in case… well, she is there and so she missed it. I love his music for years, but most of this time I was abroad. I only saw him once in a live performance – 3 years ago when he came to our area for a few performances. It was my first time to see him with his local fan base which was amazing. They stood the whole time and danced and sang. And he goes off stage all the time and interacts with them – talk and dance and sing with them. There were no new songs, all the old stuff but it was soo much fun! I loved every minute of it. I too was standing and  singing and dancing, you already know I like doing that and especially in such an evening with so much energy and so much love for him in the air. I also loved that he used one of his songs to bring the subject of a soldier who was kidnapped 5 years ago and is still being hold in captivity and he sang a song “let him come back to his home” and put the picture of this soldier on the big screens. Not many singers would do that, and it was a very emotional moment, and I had tears in my eyes and choking my throat as I sang it.

I want to talk about a singer who is over 60 years old and still able to keep a fan base that is younger than his children. I think it is an amazing phenomenon by itself, but tonight it is just to celebrate the experience. The pondering I will do at a later time.

Since I had an extra ticket, I asked a dear friend of mine if he wants to join me and he did. So I also had a great company for the evening. I was so tired when I got home I went right to sleep and only now I am writing and posting this entry. But I am so thankful for a magical night.

I am thankful for an amazing evening. I am thankful I could take part and witnessed such a powerful and wonderful performance. I am thankful to my friend who joined me and even brought me cherries he picked the same morning. I am thankful for a magical night.

Another Step Forward

Day 162 – as I unpack my stuff in the new apartment it becomes very clear that I have to move fast about purchasing furniture. I have no living room set, no book cases and no dining table or chairs. I have one folding chair and that’s it. So today, after work I went to the furniture section of town. There are many stores with large selection in each and I just went from one to the next and did not make up my mind yet. I only visited 5 stores and there are several more I want to visit I didn’t see yet something that I “must have”. I did see several “this looks nice” ones. I cannot come back tomorrow since I have a concert, but I will visit the other shops on Friday and maybe I will actually see something I like enough to order right away. This is such a huge step that I find it almost intimidating, well not really but it’s huge anyway. It is settling down and on my own. Building my own place from scratch and to my liking. Until now I lived in a temporary situation, so with only the essentials, but the emptiness of the place asks me to fill it, to make it a home. I was looking at dining tables, means I am planning to start eating at home and invite people here so I even checked about the table extensions. I was looking at living room sets, so I will have a place to crash on and read a book, drink coffee and chat, again hosting people and I also need some book case for all my books so they can get out of the boxes and into display. I also need a place for my office, and get my jewelry supplies out of the box. I am so looking forward to work on it again, it’s been a few months since I last played with it. So I didn’t order anything and it will take 4-6 weeks until I’ll get my furniture, but starting to act on it made me so happy. I am thankful I can go and start shopping for furniture, it makes me feel my independence with such intensity. I am thankful for a fun afternoon shopping for furniture. The sales man in one of the stores was trying so hard to sell me his furniture and was ready to give me an replacement set until mine will be ready, I almost placed an order and then I thought better of it and decided to go and look in some other stores, and I am so glad I did, I saw some things I liked more. I am thankful I got a head start on it today but I know it will be twice as fun on Friday when I can devote several hours to the task. And as usual these days, it is again passed 1 am and I am dead tire, so I am thankful I finished writing and now I can take a shower and go to bed. (this is the only one thanks I can do many times J

Desperately Needed Sleep

Day 161 – I worked late yesterday, unpacking boxes and putting my stuff away. By the time I got into bed it was almost 2 am and I was dead tired and my whole body was sore. I set my alarm clock to 6 am feeling bad about the little sleep time I had left and then I remembered that I have scheduled for today another platelets donation. I will have two hours to sleep! And this is exactly what happened. I actually told them as I came in that I just moved two days ago and I am so very tired and I am planning to sleep the whole time. The cool thing is that here you donated platelets lying in bed, whereas at the place I came from you do it sitting and you are not suppose to fall asleep. So I got into bed let them hook me to the machine asked for an extra blanket and promptly went to sleep.   The truth is I was in and out of sleep the whole time because the machine kept beeping every few minutes and they had to come and try to move my arm around to get better readings, but still it was so great to have the extra sleep time. I woke up two hours later refreshed and ready to face my day and I also did something good at the same time. The funny thing is I talked to my youngest daughter, who flew few days ago to visit her siblings and her dad and to see her little niece, and I found out she donated platelets there few hours earlier, and we didn’t know we both did it until later. Great minds think alike.

I am thankful for this opportunity to do something good for a stranger in need. It makes me so happy every time I do that. Especially now, after I talked to my friend who is going through chemo I understand even more the importance of those donations. Some people would not be alive if it wasn’t for that. I am thankful that while doing something so important I also got those precious hours of sleep I really needed. Both things did my day and I am thankful for that.

Girlfriends

Day 160 – I met with a good friend of mine for dinner. We have known each other for over thirty years and we always liked each other, but as it often goes when one lives abroad and comes only once a year for a short visit, the past 22 years where very superficial. We met, spent few hours together, caught up on all the updates and news, maybe went for dinner or a hike, and already had to say goodbye again. Only now when I came back here we started to give some depth to our friendship. As it goes, she also has some serious issues with her husband, and they are working on it and see a professional to try to bring it to a point where they can live under the same roof happily. We meet every few weeks and we spend hours talking. We go into deep discussions and we both enjoy and cherish this special time. I can see her personal growth during this period and she can see mine. And we can talk and analyze things in a way I can’t do with anyone else. I also enjoy just seeing the wonderful woman she became.  I never had close girlfriends and only this year after I came back here I take old and new friendships to a new and more open level. We marveled today at how meaningful girl-talks are. We don’t pretend that everything is OK, we don’t come from a high point but talk to each other from the level of the eyes. We can cry and admit to be hurt and we are seeking friendship, recognition and support. We can discuss things and we try to think of a solution. We can acknowledge a broken heart and we can see one without running for cover. I never had so many girlfriends and I find it a blessing and an enriching experience. 

  

I am thankful for all the girlfriends in my life; for the hospitality, friendship and support. I am thankful for every open heart and honesty. I am thankful for a journey I could never do all alone and to my friends’ support along the way. I am especially thankful to this special friend; the time we spend together is priceless.

Moving Day

Day 159 –I woke up early this morning and started packing right away by 9:15 I was done. I went with few items to the new house, and took Mini for a walk and then I came back to the old house to wait for the movers. They loaded the truck and we drove to the new place where they unload the truck and left. The next few hours I unpacked and cleaned and unpacked some more. I had to stop and take Mini to the vet for her first check-up, and then returned for some more unpacking. I went to by some organizers and came to the old house again to post this blog – I will get my internet service only tomorrow. I am exhausted, I fall asleep as I write but I am very happy to have finally moved. The house is very pleasant and it feels right even with nothing there yet, no furniture except the beds, but it still so nice. If the technician will come early tomorrow I’ll go there and start looking for the right furniture pieces.

I am thankful this day had come and gone and now I am living in this new apartment.  I am thankful the move went so easy and fast. I am thankful I somehow managed to write and now I can post it and leave. I desperately need a shower and a bed.  

Packing My Apartment

Day 158 – I came back with my daughter this morning and half an hour later her dad picked her up. They spent the day together and he also brought her to the airport. She’ll be away for the next three weeks. We never been apart for so long and I am very sad not to see her for such a long time (almost a month and a half with a break of 3 day in the middle. But I am very happy that she is going back to visit her brother and sister and her new niece and of course her dad. I am moving to my new apartment tomorrow, so since she left I was busy packing, except for an hour that I went out for a stroll. I am not done yet but it is very late here (a little after 2 am) and I am very tired and sore, so I am going to sleep now and will continue tomorrow morning. I have about 4 boxes still to pack so probably by 8 or 9 am I’ll be done. I am very happy about this move. It will be a little difficult at the beginning since I have no furniture, but I will buy some in a few days and I in the meantime – I am already used to live like a squatter, so no big deal.
I am thankful I got to spend the past three days with my daughter before her trip, it was really a good time. I am thankful for a wonderful drive back with her this morning; two hours that went by in a flash. I am very thankful I am moving tomorrow, it’s a big step in rebuilding my life and so a giant step forward; it will be even a bigger step once I’ll have furniture, and it will start looking like a home. I can’t wait for it to start, yet I am so thankful for these baby steps, the road is my journey and so slow is good, moving consciously from stage to stage.  

An Amazing Family

Day 157 – my daughter came here to be a lone soldier, as did all her group. All the families stayed behind and just this group of youngsters came here. So part of that program is that they are going into very small communities that are helping them and taking care of them and also every one of them was matched with a family that is “adopting” them for that period of time. My daughter’s family is just incredible. They have 4 kids of their own and yet they find the time to care about her and host her and visit her when she was in the hospital. And most of all they love her ad make her feel very welcome. It is amazing that people getting out of their way to make someone they don’t even know feel at home, make the adjustment into the life here so much easier because of that. And it is not only my daughter’s family, it’s every adapting family of her group. All the kids love it and go to eat dinner with the families every Friday night and only later hang out with their friends. You don’t see this kind of welcome and of generosity anywhere else, it’s hard to believe something like that still exists. And even among all these wonderful people, my daughter’s family stands out as very special. She is very lucky to have such wonderful family. Today she came here to celebrate her 19^th birthday with her family and her friends from the group, but she is flying tomorrow, so I brought her today and I am staying the night with her family – she has no room for me where she lives – and tomorrow morning we will drive back. They took me in, hosted me so nicely and no questions just a big open heart.

I am so thankful to this wonderful family who makes my daughter’s life here so special, who makes her feel so welcomed and loved. I am thankful for their hospitality, care and love. I am thankful to this great community for taking in our kids and taking such good care of them, for helping them make this otherwise difficult times so exciting and memorable, for giving them the time fo their lives.

A Very Specail Birthday

Day 156 – tomorrow is my daughter’s 19^th birthday. We always had this tradition in our family to celebrate birthdays the night before and tonight was no exception. We went to a restaurant and had a great meal and then we went to see a movie.  We went to see Conviction, not really your typical birthday movie, very sad and painful but also a story that celebrates the human spirit and what one brave woman did to over-rule her brother’s life without parole sentence for a murder he never committed. An amazing movie, amazing acting, amazing story of love and devotion on the one hand and a horrible story of bending justice and deceit on the other. It is my daughter’s last teen birthday and it comes to signal the end of a very difficult and challenging year. It is also a year that will be always remembered as a pivotal year, with so many forming moments, a year that will change the course of her life forever and at the same time will give her the understanding of her great strength. She will be able to achieve whatever she wants in life, but what she wants might take a turn she never expected before. This was a very forming year in her development from a teen to womanhood. We celebrated just the two of us, but this year it is exactly what we wanted, to be just the two of us after all we had gone through this year and to know that made it through and came so much better for it at the other end. This was our year, and I am sure some of it will be with us forever.

I am thankful my daughter made it to this birthday, we learned this year that even something like that is not a given. I thankful for all the gifts we got this year; it is not for us to choose our dice but it is for us to choose our reaction, our conduct when facing adversity. I am thankful that at the end of a very dark and long tunnel we found light again. This is a year where we celebrated life and love, knowing that even that is not a given, and we have to remind ourselves everyday how precious is this life and how frail. I am thankful to have my daughter in my life, I cannot even imagine it without her. I am thankful for every passing day, for everyday yet to come.  

I am AT HOME

Day 155 – I am back home. It took me a year but I can say it now with full intention – I am back home. This is my home and I love it; I had a wonderful trip but I am happy to be back. My daughter waited for me at the train station with flowers!! and it was so good to see her after a long trip. Sadly she is leaving to fly back in three days, but at least we will have few days together. We went out for quick dinner and we set in an outdoors café – so nice to see the city still alive at this time of night. And it was just nice to catch up and enjoy each other’s company again.

Visiting my old home a year after I left made me realize how much things changed during that time. I remember the woman I was last year, weak and lost, not sure what is my next step, but determined to start over. A year later I am strong and confident and free. I know I will keep making changes and finding new challenges to conquer but a year later I am at peace, I don’t have to prove anything anymore. My true home is inside me, I am my island of peace, and I am forever free. It is for me to lose it; no one can take it from me. It is such a powerful understanding.

I am thankful to be with my daughter for a few days before she travels back for a visit; I will miss her so much when she is gone. I am thankful to be back home. I am so thankful with the new understandings I reached as a result of this trip – this is really my home, and I feel so much at home here, and I am thankful for all the changes I went through this year.

En Route

Day 154 – I am on my way back home. I will not be able to post it on time since I have no internet connection.
I am thankful for a wonderful trip and I loved every minute of it. I am thankful to be going back home.

Going Back home

Day 153 - After two weeks here I am going back home. Mixed emotions, of course. I am happy to be back in my own home but I leave my loved ones behind. My daughter is very busy right now with the new baby so I didn't get to spend much time with her and saying goodbye was easier. it was a different story to say good bye to my son, knowing it will be months before we meet again. It's breaking my heart to say goodbye, to be so far away from him. But i feel blessed to spend such great time with him, he devoted every moment possible to be with me, and I am thankful beyond words for that. being so far away and knowing we have so little time together actually makes the time we do have so much more meaningful. we talk more and about things that matter and we are actually present.
I am thankful for a wonderful visit, for all the people I saw, for all the friends and especially to my family for such great time. I am thankful for going home and I can't wait to see my youngest daughter, even if only for two days before she flies here for a few weeks.

A Board Game Night

Day 152 – and today a very productive day (in my world, I know some people who would beg to differ). I had a business morning, went to see my daughter and had wonderful time just holding my little granddaughter (she is absolutely adorable), drove with my son to the coastal area, had lunch there, slept on the beach for an hour and after getting back home spent the past 8 hours playing a wonderful board game called ”Axis and Allies”. My son loves this game and I always refused to play it because it’s so elaborate and looked intimidating; it takes an hour just to set up the game!! Luckily he did it yesterday so we could come home and started playing. We are not even half done, but it is so late and he has work tomorrow so I had to “force” him to take a break and we sure will get back to it tomorrow. We played few days ago the game “Risk” which looks very promising on the get go but too much of it is just pure luck. You do have the element of luck here as well, but not to the same degree and you can gage it better, in short a great game for the real gamers. I don’t know why I didn’t play it with him before but we will sure come to it again on my next visit or his visit to our side of the world. This game should come with a warning – if you are a real gamer it’s extremely addictive. So some people might find it a great waste of time but I got to spend a whole evening with my son, doing something he really likes and not many people will play him, so for him it’s a real treat and you also develop strategic thinking and realizing the situation in the world during WWII. How close was the free world to lose the battle to the axis forces and also the different strategies of the allied forces. As a gamer and a history buff – this is a real treat for me too. And I got to see an aspect of my son I rarely see. And I learned something about myself as well – I like strategy games, even though they are difficult for me, and I like these kind of games. I much prefer spending an evening in battle of the game than to sit and watch TV, go to a restaurant and even read a book.
I am so thankful to my son for this very special day. I am thankful to my daughter and her wife for letting me see the baby one more time before I fly back home. I am especially thankful for a great evening of “Axis and Allies” board game.

I Am Not A "Doer"

Day 151 – I just realized I am a master of wasting time. A friend of mine found the time to go for an hour run this morning, take a two hours flight, go shopping for groceries and then also another shopping excursion and do some work while I can’t say I did anything that changed the world. I processed few more pictures on my endless mission of restoration and preservation (one more album done, but I don’t even want to count how many I have to not get discouraged) I had a long talk with my son, not sure of the outcome, but the important thing is the talking; we played a board game for about two hours, which I ended and now I feel like an idiot about that. I went to bring my computer to be fixed and two hours later to pick it up, in short a whole day full of doing things and at the end I feel like I did nothing. I am telling myself that I am not in a quest to do things, that being is just as important, but at the end of the day people are being measured by how much they have achieved, how much they have accomplished and on that scale of the very physical achievements, I don’t have much to show. I can talk as much as I want about other values, but in our world we are measured by how much we do, we are poor or rich by how much we act and go out and get it, about our level of activity. And on that scale, I suck. Can one really live life in a “romantic” or idealistic way and refuse to succumb to the rules? This is a very philosophical question that I want to believe the answer is yes, even though so many are trying to prove me wrong. I refuse to see the bad side of people; I refuse to see the callousness, the ruthlessness.
I cannot write and I don’t make any sense, but I am terribly tired and cannot think.
I will try to correct this tomorrow.
I am thankful had the privilege to be with my kids and develop a softer look on life. I am thankful these are the kind of people I am surrounded with.   I will do my best to keep that. I am thankful I can go to sleep, I am so tired, I can’t even think.

Friday Night Dinner

Day 150 – this evening we were supposed to meet my daughter, her fiancé and their daughter. Half an hour before the time they were scheduled to come, she called and said they will not come since she is crying all day and they are trying to do some new things with her with the hope it will calm her down. Instead we invited few friends and we had a nice evening. I was really looking forward to this evening, having one dinner all the family (almost minus my youngest daughter who stayed in my homeland and will come here after I am back there), but it didn’t work as planned – you can’t really make firm plans with babies. Till it was nice to have these friends come over, especially since they are really good friends and she is going through chemo right now, I actually drove her today to get her treatment, so it is nice to do something for them and a chance for me to see them one more time before I leave. The truth is that I really enjoyed cooking today. I didn’t do much of it in the past year and I sure am getting back to it, now that I am moving to my new apartment and will have room for all my stuff. There is no substitution to good home cooking.
This is my second and last weekend here. I will spend as much time as I can with my son, maybe see a few friends and some work meetings and I am done. It was a long vacation – two weeks. I didn’t accomplish as much as I hoped for but it is what it is. I will have to seriously consider it next time. Maybe I will ask my son to come to me and send him a ticket. I still hope I will be able to see my granddaughter also. But it is going to be a long time before I’ll see her again, before I’ll be here again. For 22 years we lived here and didn’t travel much since we always came in the summers back to see our parents. I am not going to do that again in the other direction. I will come once a year but will not continue the 4 times a year. I can’t afford it and so I’ll just send for my son once or twice a year and will take one real vacation as well. I am very excited about that. So maybe everything is for the better, I will finally get to do my own things as well and not feel bad about going on vacation to wherever I want without feeling guilty about that.
I am thankful for a very lovely evening with family and friends. I am thankful for this great opportunity to cook. I am thankful I still remember how to cook and I still enjoy it so much. I am thankful for the disappointment and for my ability to handle it without being upset. I am thankful I got back my freedom to travel.