My First Day Back Home

Day 101 - It was a very long flight about 22 hours, not an easy task. I am doing it only every few months and I have a real reward on the other side – my two older children and so it’s really worth it. I would fly to the moon to see them. And while here I will have a chance to see some of my very dear friends. I already saw two today. My very best friend came to pick me from the airport and we went out for coffee and later for dinner. I went to see a dear friend of mine who is going though chemotherapy and it broke my heart. She is so brave and trying to find the funny side to all her ordeal, but she is very sick and weak. She lost her breasts first of all, and now her hair and she has some very unpleasant complications. But she is optimistic and positive and with high spirits. I hope she will be better soon and put it all behind her.

I also had some talks about work and it looks like I am getting more ideas and contacts than I expected. So the professional side of my trip is good as well.

And I am expecting to see my oldest daughter later tonight (early tomorrow morning) and sadly I will have to wait almost a week before I’ll see my son. He goes to college in a different city, 6 hours drive from here and so I won’t be able to get there before the end of the week. But I waited for so long – I can wait a few more days.

I am so thankful to be here and realize that it still feels like home. Probably the fact that I stay at home contributes to that fuzzy feeling. I am thankful to find my friends and see that nothing has changed in our relationship. And I am very thankful that I was able to see my sick friend and to be at her side and not only from 10,000 miles away, but for a few hours to be there, hear her stories, and hug her.

It's Only The Beginning

Day 100 – As I reach this big milestone, I am posting this entry late. I was on my way and could not login until now. I going back to the place I called home for the past 14 years, to the country I called home for the past 22 years. It is with very mixed feelings. Now that the euphoria is gone, it is life in my homeland, not as much of an adventure as it was when I just arrived. So I can look at it in a little more of an objective way now and weigh it for what it is. How can I sum-up the past 9 months? It was an amazing journey. I almost forgot the hurt and confused woman I was than. I just found a journal entry from the early days – I can’t believe it is me. I still have my struggles and I am lonely sometimes, but what a difference 9 months made. I am strong now and stand on my own two feet; I look at the future not for salvation but as endless possibilities waiting to be explored. I make my own decisions and I have to report to no one. I am free to make mistakes and learn from them instead of feeling guilty for doing them. I love that freedom. I love how much I changed and I love the fact that it is still only the beginning. And I also know that I can be that person wherever I choose to live. So the world is open and calling me and at some point, after my youngest daughter will be done with her military service, I might act on that call and make my long over-due "around the world in a year or two" trip.

I am thankful for this amazing journey. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow. I am so very thankful that I found the courage to unfold my wings and take a flight, to soar to the skies.

My Last Evening Here - A Computer Glitch

Day 99 - I just finished writing my whole entry and than due to some glitch, or something I pressed, I am not sure what was it, the whole thing just disappeared!! I was writing how glad I am to see my oldest daughter, who is moving to a new home just before the baby is born. How glad I am to see my son who is now in college and taking his mid-terms this week. And even how glad I am to see all my friends after half a year away. and it is all gone. I was writing about my last evening here. How I went to dinner with my daughter and how much fun it was. How good was the food (the chef outdid himself) and how nice it was to sit in a restaurants for 3 hours and eat and especially talk. and now it is all gone. I wrote that as soon as I am done with this entry, we are going to watch a movie, in our jemmies. and now it is all gone. I talked about it with colors and flair and now it is just a dry report, but it is all gone. I have so many plans for this coming week and the list grows by the minute. One of the things is to buy a new computer. the one I have right now is not very good, to say the least. Sometimes I get so frustrated with it  for being so slow, for not responding and not preforming and for freezing way too many times. So today I got one more reason to want to change my computer. It is unreliable and makes me lose valuable information.

So I am very thankful for a wonderful evening with my daughter, before I am leaving for almost 2 weeks. An evening that lost its color in the entry above but was very special indeed. I am thankful for being here everyday and that only few times a year she is here alone for a very short period. But I am also very thankful for the opportunity to replace my computer and maybe, finally I will have a computer I am happy with and not something I complain about every single day.

Spending an Afternoon Together

Day 98 - I going to be away now for 10 days. It is only the second time since my youngest daughter was born that we are going to be away for such a long time. And since her injury and surgery we got to spend so much time together that it is going to be very strange to be apart for so long now. So we had a little outing today just to spend time with each other. Our first stop was a hair salon to check about getting hair extensions. It is more than four months since she had the anaphylactic shock from the hair dye and had to shave her head to save her life. It's been a very long journey back to recovery since than. the hair started to grow but it will take of course a very long time to be long again and it is too much of a constant reminder of that traumatic event. everyone can tell her how beautiful she looks with the very short hair, because she has such beautiful features, but she can't see that. It is not something she chose to have and it is just too much for her. But we found out today that it is still too short even for hair extensions. They said that her hair's length will be right in about 2 months and than she can get it. Not really what she wanted to hear and it is not easy to wait an extra time, but I know she will be so happy with it when she finally gets it. It breaks my heart to see how much she suffers and how much she was affected to the core by this event. I can only look from the sideline and hug her when she cries, but not much else. I never been so close to death and I don't know how it feels or the level of fear and anxiety it must bring with it. I wish I could shoulder her pain, but I can't help in any way, just be there when she needs a hug, or a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to all she is going through.

I am thankful that I was there through it all with her and so she can trust I know a little about what she went through. I am thankful that she feels comfortable enough to tell me how she feels and what's going on with her. And like every time I think about it, I am so thankful I am here and so she is not alone to try to figure it all out and to go through this very difficult journey. And more than anything else in the world, I am so thankful she is alive.

Getting Sunburn in April

Day 97 - Today is the last day of the holiday and so I didn't work. It was a beautiful day with almost no clouds and very warm and so we went to the beach. We bought some salads and some bread and we had a little picnic. We bought some coolers as well, but forgot the bottle opener so we could not drink it, but we'll do it next time. We drove a little outside of the city and we found a secluded beach with very few people there. We stayed there for a few hours and we got sunburned!! It was such a lovely day. A little too windy to go into the water but warm enough to be on the beach. It is very interesting that here a secluded beach is something we are so happy to go to, where as were we came from if it's too deserted I would be afraid to go. We had a little discussion about it People look at this country as very dangerous and when we moved here everyone asked us if we are not afraid. But what we realized is that the security issue on the political level is very real and there is really nothing we can do about it, but on the personal level we feel so much safer here. I can walk alone past midnight and not be afraid something I could never do there,even though we lived in a very affluent neighborhood. So again, one more reason to be happy we are here. And the beach, my number one favorite here - going to the beach and enjoy the sea. I can do it everyday and not get tired of it. I missed it there more than I realized.

I am thankful for living in this beautiful city by the bay just a few minutes from these amazing beaches, and I can come here as often as I want. I am thankful for a wonderful day of fun. I am thankful for getting sunburn in April. Most other places are just getting out of their winter white blankets of snow. I am so thankful to live here and enjoy it all.

The Importance of Holiday Traditions

Day 96 - Passover is an 8 days holiday. When I lived abroad we only celebrated the first evening and that it was business as usual. But here it is very different. It is celebrated all over the country and it is basically a week that almost no one works, or even if they do  - it's part time. Many work places are just closed for the week, all schools are closed and so everywhere you go you see families traveling, on or from their destination. It is very special to someone who lived abroad for so many years. You just feel the holiday in the air, even if you don't do anything. There are special foods for the holiday and things you are not allowed to eat and stores are not even allowed to sell it, so they cover it up, like breads and cakes unless they were prepared a certain way. Luckily we live in a mixed city and so I go and buy all these things in the area of the city where they do sell it, but in other places it is actually a problem if you don't want to follow the ancient rules. When I left the country many years ago, I was very vocal about disliking this attempt to force non religious people to follow the rules by not selling the products, but after living abroad for so many years I can also see the beauty of the tradition, and I understand it's importance. this is what makes us one nation, one people even when we live thousands of miles away, we keep the same rules and follow the same tradition. This is what kept it alive. Those religious people who follow and keep the tradition, who transfer it from generation to generation. The non religious families disseminate very fast and within generation or two will disappear, if living abroad. Like in my own family - my oldest daughter is not celebrating any of the holidays, something I hope will change as her daughter will grow up, same true for my son. And you see it in so many families, when you live abroad, and especially if their partner is from a different culture, they will lose contact with the tradition. This is the real price of moving abroad, many souls that are lost to our nation. Them and their future generations.

I am thankful to that realization, that even though I am so against the religious control, I can also see the importance of these traditions. I am thankful to be here for the first time in 22 years and to enjoy this special holiday feeling. I am thankful for this very special holiday that I got to spend with family and friends. I hope my family will be here to celebrate next year.

The Perfect Mate

Day 95 - I was talking to a friend of mine about dating. She goes on a lot of dates and bring back stories from the trenches. I still didn't go on a single date, didn't feel ready yet. But I started thinking about it - what am I looking for in a partner and my list is quite long. I think that as we get older we are more set on our ways and less ready to compromise, it is definitely true for me. It might be also that after one marriage behind me I know more what I am looking for, and it is very different than what I was looking for 32 years ago when I got married. Now it is more about the way my hypothetical guy is thinking, his priorities , his preferences and things like that and so much less about looks, charisma and such. It is quite clear to me that with the length of my list and the kind of guy I am looking for I will have to search for a very long time, I guess I am going to stay single for a very long time, but I am OK with that. I prefer to be alone than in a relationship that doesn't work. And besides, I am not even ready to start dating. I still have a lot to learn about myself and about the mistakes I made in my previous marriage, to make sure it will not happened the second time around, like we hear so many times. It sounds bad - to go with a "shopping list" but the truth is I am very comfortable in my single life and I will not give it up easily, it had to be for a good reason, for the perfect man for me. I am happy to understand what is it I am looking for, and realizing that I was so right about leaving home.
I am thankful today for starting to open my mind to the idea, even if not my heart yet. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to learn from previous mistakes and try no to repeat them. I am thankful for spending a long time today thinking about my future mate - it made me so happy!

Running Again

Day 94 - It's Friday night and I am home alone, not the picture you might have of the new divorcee. I went to the gym and had a good workout session. I am trying to get back to running, so I am trying to add minutes to my routine and today, for the first time I managed to run 4-1 (4 minutes running and 1 minute walking). I did a total of 32 minutes so I am very happy about that. I have to admit that it is kid of difficult to go down stairs, but I hope all will be fine by tomorrow. If this will be the case than I am on to something good. in two weeks I'll be able to run for 1 hour, and it means that I can start training for a new marathon. I have to check if they have a training group like "team in training" and if not I have to start one. I really want to do another marathon and do it better, not necessarily in speed, but in shape. Last time I made it only because my will power was stronger than my exahustion, I was a little sick and I didn't eat right before the race. So i want to run another event and to do it right. I twill be my last one, but I really want to have another go at it. so I will start going to the gym at least twice a week for running and I'll see how my knees are holding up. But no matter what, even if I cannot run a marathon I sure will do some more sporting events here, now that I am back.

It is not a given that a 53 years old woman can run a marathon and I am very thankful that I might be able to do just that. I am so thankful I am getting back in shape. I am even more thankful that my body is holding up. And I am most thankful that I can dream big and than start working towards making that goal a reality.

Going Back Home, but only for a visit

Day 93 - I am traveling back home in a week. It's been more than 4 months since I've seen my kids and I am really looking forward to that trip. It is a business trip and I am going to be very busy, but the most important thing is to see my son and oldest daughter. I am very excited about that. I really miss them. It's true that since both of them already left home, we did not see each other on a daily basis, for long periods of time, but in the months before my departure, my son was back home and my daughter spend there at least two days per week. So it was a big change even if in the past we already experienced long periods of separation. I am also planning to have one thing for my own enjoyment - sky diving. I hope the weather will cooperate. this is something I had on my Bucket List for a very long time and now, on this trip I am planning to do that. I don't care how scary it might be, I am going to face my fear and do it. It is time to cross it off from the list. I saw  my parents this weekend and it made me realize - that I have very little time to do all the things I am dreaming to still do. And if I will not take active steps in that direction I will end up with a lot of unfulfilled dreams and this is not something I want to see. So form now on I have to tackle few of the item every year. I am so looking forward to that, I tell everyone about it. This is one of the most exciting things on my list even though it lasts only 2 minutes, but I am sure it will be such a thrill and the feeling will be with me for much, much longer.

I am most thankful that I am going to see my children in a week time. I am so thankful, that I have the means to do that. it is not a given and so I am very thankful I can. I am thankful for coming up with the idea to create my own Bucket List (after seeing the movie). I am thankful for the opportunity to plan ahead to that most special event, and to dream about it - waiting is half the fun. I am thankful that at the age when most people are slowing down, I still have the energy and the passion to do crazy things and challenge myself as much as I can. I know that one day I will have to slow down, but thankfully that day is not here yet.

A New Baby in the Family

Day 92 - My Niece gave birth to her second child last week and we went today to visit her and see the little baby. He was born a month early so he is tiny, but big enough to be released from the hospital. He is so cute, and his older sister is so wonderful with him. When she was born, almost three years ago, we extended our visit by a few days in the hope that we'll be lucky to still be here when she was born - which actually worked according to plan. But the next time we saw her was for her 1st birthday party. we missed all this wonderful miracle year in which a tiny totally dependant baby turn into a wonderful toddler. next time we came it was her second birthday, and again missed all the in between. But now we get to see her more often and she recognizes us, and like us, a very happy feeling indeed. With her little brother it will be even better, we are here from now on and every few weeks we can drop by and see them both going through all the stages of their young lives, see them grow up. It makes me very happy to think about that.

This of course means that I will miss so many of the same stages in the life of my first granddaughter who is due in about a month and being across the wide ocean, I will not be part of her life as much as I would like to be and I will be a stranger to her for a very long time. It's sad and not something I would choose, but the fact that I chose to live here, so far away, mandates this kind of things. I will try to travel every few months but it's not really the same. I am so far from two of my children and the contact is getting loose. I never thought of all that when we first set our mind on moving from here, so many years ago. That my children will become the citizens of that country, not only on paper, but also by identity. That they might want to live their lives there and I may want to come back here. But now this is the reality of our lives. Two children there, one here and one parent on each continent so at least neither one of them is totaly alone.

I am thankful today for this little miracle I got to see and enjoy, this little baby. I am thankful to see my sister's family getting bigger and so very sweet. I am thankful to be here this time and not miss this joyous event. And I am thankful that I have three very wonderful children, even if I don't get to see them enough and I am coming to visit in two weeks, so I am very thankful for that.

This Too Shall Pass

Day 91 - The day after a big holiday celebration is always a very quite day. You have to catch your breath again, that's how it feels. So this was our day. Just small staff, no major activities, not even to go and see the new attraction in town. We woke up late and ate late and just chatted with my parents, all small and insignificant things. It feels like the calm after the storm. The pattern we see in our mood swings that I always talk about, is the same pattern we see here in our activity levels. It's cyclical. It seem like all around us life is pulsating in the same wave-like pattern the ups and the downs the intense vs. the mild. I like that rhythm, I like knowing that I don't have to hold on to anything, that if I wait long enough this too shall pass, no matter what that "this" is at the moment. We cannot hold on to the good times, the good events, the highlights of our lives because they too shall pass. The only thing we can be sure of is the instability of our daily life, the temporary nature of our whole existence. So what's the point in being too angry or too scared, or too righteous. These too shall pass. It sounds so depressing but I think it actually holds in its wings a big promise. We cannot hold on to anything. So when I am happy I should go all out and not hold back since it will not be with me forever, so I better enjoy it while it lasts, and when I am sad or scared  I don't have to dive into it and go all out but I can breath a little easier knowing that even if it takes a while - this too shall pass. So with this new realization I must learn to trust and develop all the time my ability to respond to change. I have to learn to trust that I will know how to react and handle new and changing circumstances. I have to learn to remove my blindfolds and see the world and my reality for what it is and fear not but welcome it and with that become free. I can live my life with so much more intensity when I acknowledge the temporary nature of all my experiences.

I am thankful for every trial in my life for every up and down because they widen my horizon, because they force me to grow and to become a free woman. I am thankful for the understanding that I can let go of bad experiences and of good ones, that I need not any attachments. I am thankful for this promise of new way to live my life. I am so thankful to know that whatever happens in my life - it is but temporary, it will pass.

Breaking Free

Day 90 – It is Passover today, one of my favorite holidays. We celebrate the transition from a group of slaves to free people with their own “constitution” – the set of rules they live by, and their own country. The transition from being a group of people controlled by the misfortunes of their life, to a nation that is taking control of its destiny. It is said that in every generation each one of us should considered himself as if he is the one who left Egypt. We should not take this statement literally but as a reminder that we always have the choice to be victims of the circumstances of our lives, to feel sorry for ourselves, or we can chose to think like the free spirit that we really are and take control, chose to hold the wheel and steer us in the direction we want to go. It is so easy to fall to the position of the victim. I did it for so many years. It was so easy to feel upset and angry and sorry for myself. And then one day it finally dawned on me – if I don’t like it than I have to change the script of my life and I finally to responsibility and thus control. So today when I celebrate Passover, I read the book we traditionally read, called Hagadda with special meaning to it. It is my celebration of my breaking the mental restrictions I put on myself for so many years, it is my celebration of understanding the opportunities as well as the responsibilities that such power holds for me. This is the celebration of freedom to try and to fail, the freedom to live by my rules.

I am thankful for the opportunity to celebrate this holiday with my daughter; both of us definitely seized and practiced freedom in the past year. I am thankful to be among family and have the pleasure of celebrating it with my parents and sister and her family. It has been many years since last we did that and I am very thankful for this special time. My parents are getting old and who knows how much time we still have together. So I am especially thankful that I got to do it at least one more time. 

A Broken Heart

Day 89 - Nothing really special to write about, which makes sense after so much action on the weekend. But this is not to say that nothing happened today. I went with my daughter after work to donate platelets, which again is a very powerful experience, especially here since they are so thankful to the people who do that and also it is much more personal. I found out today that my last donation went to a boy in the pediatric oncology. It makes me feel so good to know that with almost no effort on my part, just good will and three hours of my time, I could make the life of a very sick little boy a bit more promising, it can't get much better than that. So this was definitely a high point, but I want to write about something else.
Tomorrow is the beginning of our most important holiday. when you live here in this country, you feel the excitement in the air. But we lived for many years abroad and so if we didn't celebrate it it got lost. and tomorrow is going to be the first time in 32 years that I will celebrate this holiday without my husband, and not as many years, but still celebrating it without two of my kids. I will get to celebrate it with my parents and my sister and her family, but most my own family will not be there, just my youngest daughter, who makes it at all bearable. it tears me apart. I am sitting here and tears are rolling down my face as I write this. letting go of that part of my life is the most painful thing I had to do so far. and each one of us alone cannot create this feeling of wholeness, of warmth that was what this holiday was all about, what this family once was. I still remember last year's celebration, with all the sadness of the coming departure, for one night it was still a family event, all warn and fuzzy, and now it is not and it is plain painful. I hope next year we will find a way to be all of us together, and our little granddaughter celebrating this holiday for the first time, to be somehow a family again. It must be million times harder for him since he is there, abroad and alone. I cannot even imagine the pain. It is easy to go about your life day by day, but holidays make you stop and feel, stop and think. Stop and realize what I lost.
What can I be thankful in a moment like that? I am thankful that I have a heart that can be broken, I guess. that I can feel pain, that I can cry. These are also things to be thankful for, not only for sunshine and smiles.

Dancing My Heart Out

Day 88 - It's Saturday, so another weekend hiking, this time, since it was very hot we hiked through the harbor and on the beach. The truth is that due to the hot conditions it took us much longer and since we had plans for afterwards, we didn't even finish the hike. But never the less, it was much fun and we really enjoyed the company. As we take more trips together, we become better friends and so it is much more fun. After the hike, we went to a club that has "oldies" music on Saturdays afternoon. We changed our clothes for something more appropriate and we went in. The music was so much fun that I didn't even made it to our table until about 2 hours later when they put on some slow music and so I took the opportunity to rest a little. I don't remember when was the last time I went to a club to dance and I had a blast!! My knees are soar and I am sure they will be bad tomorrow, but who cares - it was so worth it. One of my friend was telling me that He never suspected I have this wild side in me, of going all out and not care about anything. I always look like such a spiritual person, and here I am down to earth, and so in the moment :) I said that yes, I really love dancing, even if I suck at it and when I hear music I like I just have to dance, and coming in as a group takes off the inhibitions, since we are with each other. Probably if I was alone, I'd be more shy. But the way we had it was perfect. I loved this feeling of being in the moment. No how I look, or what others think, not even that I don't know so many dances and so many moves. I just couldn't care less. I was truly happy.

So I am very thankful for yet another great weekend. I am thankful for friendships and for fun, and I am especially thankful for this very special opportunity to go clubbing and to dance my heart out. I am thankful I have found this woman in me who is so happy and open.

An Outdoors Concert

Day 87 - The weather is getting nicer by the day. It was really warm today and the sea was very calm, almost like a mirror, only few ripples here and there - amazing. I was not ready for that and I came without a bathing suite, so I had to watch people going in, but next week I am going to be one of them. As I was sitting there, enjoying the lovely weather I talked on the phone with a friend who told me that a near by outdoor concerts venue will have their first event of the season tonight. So of course I decided to go and see for myself how nice the place is. It is a small grove of Eucalyptus trees and the setting is very nice no sitting on the grass (there is none) but sitting around tables and at the back there is also a bar. I have to admit that as warm as the days are as the sun sets it gets colder and today was no exception, so by 9:30 pm when the performance started it was very cold. but I came prepared - 3 layers warm shirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece and just to be safe I also brought a small fleece blanket. The groups that performed did covers for the Beatles song and at some point half of the audience stood up and started dancing (me included). We sang and dance and it was SO much fun!! and of course as i danced i was feeling warmer and stated to peel-off the layers. so an added benefit right there.
I am thankful for a lovely evening of songs and dances. I am thankful that I was smart enough to jump on the idea right away. I am thankful that in the middle of March it is warm enough that we can spend an evening outdoors and be comfortable, after a few dances. I am also thankful for a meeting on the beach a very dear friend of mine and his very sweet daughter .I did not write about that but I was very happy to meet them and I am thankful for that chance meeting.  

Emails Challenge

Day 86 - I am reading a book that encourages me to go beyond my comfort zone. I talk about it a lot but it pushed me in a different direction. One of the challenges was to try to contact by email few people I am not comfortable contacting and get them to answer. and to try to reach as far out as possible. So I did it yesterday, at least I gave it my first real shot. so these two individuals are not completely out, but it was way out of my comfort zone and I was delaying these emails for a few days, since I was so uncomfortable writing them. But I did. not because of the challenge but instead I told myself that I have nothing to lose  and everything to win. If I don't try than the answer is no anyway (or the action is) but if I try I might be surprised. I wrote a very nice mail to each one of them and very different ones of course since the idea is to get them to answer, so it has to be thoughtful and promoting a response. This morning when I opened my mail I found out that both of them answered and in a much nicer way than I hoped for. So now I know, if I don't ask I cannot get a positive answer. And for that to happen I have to learn to ask and to accept the fact that I will get some rejections and some failures. but this is part of the deal, and if I won't try I will never get a positive answer, and more importantly, I will not learn to deal with uncomfortable situations, and this is really what I am here to learn. In order to get outside of my comfort zone, I have to learn to deal with set back, and then get up and try again. I am learning to go through that, I am slowly getting better at it. and I am so thankful for that.
I am thankful for this challenge and I will keep practicing it. I am thankful, as always, for any opportunity to grow. I have some crazy challenges I am thinking of - all in due time. I am so thankful to have started on this road. I am thankful for where it is taking me.

Buying Presents for the Holiday

Day 85 - I went looking for presents today for my little nieces for the coming holiday. I found some really cute things for them and then there was this great salesman who was doing a demo of a vegetable cutter. He was so good and entertaining and his products look so helpful that I decided to buy one for my mom and one for me. On my way home I stopped at our local produce shop and bought vegetables for soup and as soon as I got home I set a large pot on the stove with enough water and started to fill it with cut veggies. in a few minutes all was peeled and chopped and in the pot, ready to become soup. It was so much fun, in few short minutes I did a job that usually takes much, much longer. and for someone who makes at least two large soups per week this is a real time saver, and a fun toy. Tomorrow I'll check about cutting salads. If it works as well than I have a real winner. I know some people will consider a machine cut vegetable to be inferior to the hand cut ones, but for my needs this is perfect.
I am thankful for something so silly like a veggie cutter, but what I am really thankful for is to be able to just roam around looking for presents and buy something just because I felt like it. I am thankful for the buzz of holiday all around me, something I didn't experience for years. and I am thankful for the fun afternoon we had at home, in my little kitchen, just my daughter and I. and lets not forget, I am very thankful for a very good soup we have tonight.  Yummy!!

About Life and Death

Day 84 - I went to a funeral today of a 50 years old woman. She was very sick for a very long time, but it looked like she is making a real progress and suddenly she just died. They found her sitting in a chair, as if she fell asleep. As always, such an event makes me ponder about death and how frail our lives are. I can be dead from one moment to the next. Because of accident or a tsunami or an earthquake or a heart failure. We never know when is our time and in many cases it will be so sudden and so final, we won't even have a chance to say our goodbyes. And it makes me think once again of how I should live my life, to accept the fact that my life are of finite length, and that I will die one day and if I want to be able to look back and be happy I have to make them count.

*  Never forget to say I love you to a loved one
*  Never forget to say I am sorry
*  Never delay doing the things that are important to me
*  Live my life now, be in the moment, live my dreams
*  Learn to appreciate the little things in life

I am thankful that my time is not up yet, that I can still make some strides. I am thankful to all the people I love that make my life so wonderful and I am thankful for the opportunity I get every morning to make my day stand out, and special. I am thankful that sometimes I actually do that. And of course I wish for more time, but I am thankful for my life and if it is my last day, I can be OK with that.

A busy Evening

Day 83 - I started last week on a coaching program how to start your own business. I always wanted to take this course and now that I have the time to do that I can finally take it. The only problems is that I don't really have any idea for a business, it is just something I want to learn, but I am suppose to have something so I thought maybe coaching. This is something I really am thinking about doing, especially since I took the women circle class. So I went today to an introduction to a coaching class in the university here. It is an evening class for a full year. Sounds very interesting but not the direction I am interested. It was a business development coaching where as I am thinking more of being a spiritual coach. So I went and listen but decided not to sign up. Still I am very happy that I came to that introduction class, it mean I am taking actual steps in pursuing my dreams. I am exploring the options I have here in my community to study the things I want, to learn and to develop my skills. when I came home I decided to take another French lesson. Every day is not something I can keep and I also think it is too many words in a short time and it will become a big mess, but if Ill do new section once or twice a week and repeat what I learn until it sits well with me for another day or two - it will be much more effective. So by now I have about 150 new words in French and I understand everyone of them and also some simple questions and some grammar rules. I can even say - Je suis une femme and also J'ai des fleurs rouges. What a productive day!!

I am very thankful for the opportunity today to be able to work on things that matter to me. I am thankful that I have this luxury to do what I want for myself, for self development. I am very thankful to be one tiny little step closer to fulfill one or two of my bucket list goals. And I will keep looking for the right class.

Nesting Instinct

Day 82 - I went to see an apartment for rent after work and although it was nice, I decided to wait and not take it. It was good but too many compromises and when I am renting I don't have to compromise, at least not on the important things, so the location is amazing but I am going to wait for the right one. It's funny, but with rental I really don't have to compromise, I just wait for the next one to come on the market, which is not the case when buying. So right now I have a place to live, it might be cramped and not in great shape but I do have a roof over my head and if I am going to the trouble of moving, I don't want to do it every few months so I will wait. I just realized something very interesting. I came to this country only 8 months ago with 2 suitcases and now when I move out, I'll need a mover. I accumulated a lot of stuff, and I didn't think about it until now. I bought fridge and stove, and washing machine and a bed, and so much more. I settled down very fast. I guess that the nesting instinct is very strong. as much as I said I wanted to stay free and un-attached, in reality I didn't and I left the very minimal life style very fast. From a 1 bedroom apartment I am now looking at 3 bedrooms. it is so easy to get spoiled, to accumulate, to look for more. But the truth is, I felt like I've proved a point but now I want my little luxuries such as a nice and well maintained apartment, very updated and not with 30 years old kitchen cabinets and bathroom. I learned something very important about myself. I like nice things and as much as I want to live a very spartan life in theory, I am not sure I do in real life, or at least they can be minimal but of very high quality.
So today I am thankful for some new things I learn about myself. I am thankful that I had a chance to test some of my theories and discard the ones that don't really work. I am as always thankful for my life and for the day, as uneventful as it was. I am thankful for being here from mor till night and hopefully I'll be here tomorrow as well. I should never take something so crucial for granted. I should feel thankful for every breath I draw, for every little thing I see and hear.

Fireflies

Day 81 - I came back real late yesterday night, and than I sat down to write my blog and then, even though it was almost 2am I decided to finish the movie I was watching before. It is a movie called "Fireflies" and it was done by a friend of ours. It is a very sad story. His older brother went MIA during the war of 1973. For two years the family didn't know what happened to him and the problem was that his tank disappeared (how is it even possible) and that a childhood friend of him claimed to have seen him about 7 days after he was assumed dead. two years later his remains with other 38 soldiers' remains were returned, and the army identified him and he was buried. The problem remained that testimony of his friend about seeing him and the fact that with no DNA identification, which was the case back in the day, one can't be sure it is really his remains. Ten years later his younger brother started looking for him. The movie is a sad testimony to the issue of MIA, of death and the families that bear the scars forever. It is an attempt of the younger brother to come to peace with this unfinished story that keeps haunting him, and put it to rest so he can go on with his life. It came out last year and so now that I am here, he sent me a copy so I can watch it. I stayed awake until 4am I could not stop watching and than the accompanying CD about the making of and few issues he wanted to stress.  

I am thankful to my friend for opening his bleeding heart in order to tell this painful story. I wish for him to come to peace now and go on with his life. I will do all I can to show it to as many people as I can. It is a story that has to be told. I am thankful to the healing Powers of honesty and courage as my friend have demonstrated and I know he will be all right. I am thankful to the privilege to have known him and hear his story first hand.

Dare to Dream

Day 80 - Friends of mine invited me to come with them to an evening lecture. It was a presentation by a guy that is doing extreme challenges on a regular basis. Once a year he goes on one of his "missions". He showed pictures from his North Pole and South Pole trips, a 100 km Marathon in the Sahara desert, and in Antarctica,  ascending Mt. Denali and Mt. Mont Blanc, cross country of Greenland, ascending the Everest, and climbing El Capitan. I probably forgot a few. For more than an hour he went over one crazy challenge after the next and I was dumbfounded. He concluded his talk with 10 tips for success. the first one was courage - the courage to dream the impossible. I was talking to some of the people attending the presentation asking what did it do to them - does it make them want to go out and do something crazy. but the answer was no, I didn't ask them all but from all those I did ask not even one was challenged. I think he summarized it very well. It takes gut, it takes a lot of courage to dare to dream big, knowing full well that you might fail. and most people resort to dream small so not to feel the pain of failure, but what they don't get is that they also will never feel a true exhilaration of succeeding in making the impossible a reality. So what is my extreme challenge? I want to dream big and I want to try and fail and try again and win. For me the sky diving that I chose is an extreme challenge. Maybe after I'll do it it won't feel so challenging, but right now it is. And I know I am afraid and I push my own comfort zone and this is the result I was hoping for. My Kilimanjaro dream is also such an extreme, and I will make it in 2 years with my daughter, but I have to start thinking and planning another challenge - one for later this year and one for next year. I don't have too many years I can still do it, so I have to put more into the next few years, before it will be too late. I hope my knees will get better so I can add another marathon to my list - I would love to do a marathon with better time than I did. What I love most about it and I say it a lot is that I like the challenge to try new things, but I never though of it as the courage to dream.

I am so thankful for this inspiring lecture. I am thankful that he put the right words to the thoughts and ideas I had. I am thankful for that challenge to dream big and increase my awareness. I am thankful for my mind full of ideas, that I am not too afraid to dream.

Our Soldiers

Day 79 - This morning, on my way to work, as my bus descended the mountain overlooking the bay, I saw a navy vessel sailing back into the harbor after a night of patrolling at sea. It suddenly dawned on me that while I sleep well at night, every night,  there are young men and women all over our borders that stay awake and in patrols to make sure this fragile peace will continue. I know that, of course, this is the reality of our life here, but for some reason it was suddenly an understanding on a whole new level. And I felt so grateful to them all. We can lead our daily life, unfazed by any danger, thanks to these young men and women who are serving in the army. who are protecting us day and night.
I am so thankful to each and every one of them, for the selfless work they do in harsh conditions to make sure our country won't cease to exist. I pray for the safety of each and everyone of them.

The Little Flame

Day 78 - I read today about late bloomers entrepreneurs and found that many people that founded very successful businesses didn't start until late into their 50's or 60's and a bunch even started past their 90's. It made me very happy to read it. when I decided to start anew at my age I thought it is something so crazy, and here people were optimistic enough to embark on much more difficult road, a road that even much younger folks find it very challenging and tolling. How optimistic they have to be to still keep a fire in them, a fire strong enough to overcome inertia of old age and just go after their dreams. I think it is so beautiful and I hope I"ll be able to keep the flame in my soul burning until the day I die. there is nothing better one can wish for than being fully alive all the way to the end. So I am not sure I want to start a business when I am in my 90's but I have other dreams I hope I'll still pursue, like travel to different places and do crazy stuff. but to keep our heart open and our dreams going is something we have to do all the days of our life, today, tomorrow, everyday, and not delay it. As much as it is cool to start so late, it can be so much nicer to start earlier. I wrote about it few days ago, about living life everyday and not delay it, live the moment. So I think it is true here as well, I will try to open my mind to the opportunities that life presents me and act on them.
I am thankful for being young enough at heart to feel as if everything is still open for me, that everything is so promising. I am so thankful that my life feels like such an exciting journey.

A very Special Friend

Day 77 - a very close friend of mine came for a few days visit. We had a real fall out for a long time and so it was difficult to meet and stay somehow close, especially in the past few months. after so many years we knew each other and the last few times we met we were so awkward with each other to the point I just didn't want to see him. between being sad and being annoyed it just didn't feel right anymore. and this weekend he was here again and we met for a few hours and it was so nice. a meeting full of laughter and fun, it felt like old times even better. for years it didn't feel so nice. he looked and sounded better and was easy going and charming as his old self. I was so happy about that. moving to a different country and having some serious strain in the relationship before that are not very promising conditions for friendships. the fact that we have so much history together and the great healer called time might have played a counter act. I also think that he is in a better place in his personal life as well. what ever the reason is, I am so happy things are getting better. it is very painful to loose a dear friend.
I am thankful for the really nice time we had and for the hope of overcoming difficulties. I am thankful we both finally are talking with our adult voice and actually dealing with some baggage. I am thankful for this friendship, for all friendships. Life will be so different without our close friends, who lad a hand, an ear, a heart to each other in good times and bad. And I am especially thankful to see this friendship emerging from the ashes. I hope we'll be smart enough to keep it, now that we know how bad it feels to loose it.

Bonjour and Au revoir

Day 76 - I am still thinking about my bucket list. I keep thinking what should I choose in my to do part as a "once in a life time, something I want to do before I die"? I think I will put my long time plan - to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro as that goal. I promised my daughter that we"ll do it together after she is done with the military so it will not happen for a while. But it is my most crazy goal right now, until I'll come up with something even more so. So no actions were taken in that direction. I did look up for more apartments and I will make all the phone calls tomorrow morning. I also signed up for a class for managing business on the internet. I think it is very important to understand that media and I can learn a lot for it. Starting this coming Thursday!! and the last but not least - I started to work on my French again. I did forget some of course - it is too easy to forget when I am just starting to learn and I have no one to practice with. But I did go back to the Rosetta Stone and did the first 2 lessons. Not easy, but I am on top of it at this point. I will try to do it every day. right now I can say one or two sentences, so a very good start. I have the time so no reason not to do that and it is a language I always wanted to learn. So I am very happy I got back on track and I am working again towards some interesting goals. It makes things exciting and fresh, at least for a while and working on a bucket list is something with deep meaning for me, it is not just checking things off a list, it's more like being in the driver's seat and be active not reactive. And this is the real meaning of it all. I decide on what I am working, I live instead of being busy.

I am thankful for the idea I had yesterday and I am thankful for all the rush of energy it brought with it. I am thankful to be on the road again.

My Bucket List

Day 75 - I saw that movie last year and I still bring it up all the time. We live so much of our life as defered living, we delay fulfilling our dreams "until we'll have enough money/the kids will grow up/we first have to buy..." and we keep dreaming that one day we will finally get up and do that, but slowly we forget most of our dreams. We live our routine life and forget to dream big, forget how it feels to be fully alive. And than, in the movie, one day  they were just told that they both have incurable cancer. And this is what wakes them up, to fulfill at least some of the old dreams before it's all over. they dare to live only when they face their death. But maybe we can do it a little differently. What if we each have our little Bucket list and we add things to it as they pop into our conscious but we also cross them off as we go through the list and actually live our dreams? Can I put forth one crazy dream and make it into a reality by adding steps to it, a budget and a deadline? what are my top three things - one to have one to be and one to do?
I want to have a nice apartment. I am tired of living in this one, where it is so old and not well maintained, where I don't even have enough room to put my dishes and my books and my cloths. - action Item: start looking for an nicer apartments. So I started to look on Friday, I saw a lovely one, but today the owner told me that the guy who saw it just before me decided to take it, so I have to keep looking. I saw another one today, quite nice but not as nice, so I'm not sure yet, I'll decide by tomorrow. there's extra cost to it, of course, but living like a student is getting old very fast for me. I proved to myself that I can and if I need to I sure can do it but I choose not to do it anymore. And to fulfill my dreams I have to pay money, but this is really why we have money to begin with. So, I am OK with that.
I want to be - fluent enough in French to carry a 5 minute conversation. action item - start the Rosetta Stone program again and do it at least 3 times a week. Dead line - 6 months. I bought the software just before leaving home as a present to myself, but and this is what I was saying before, it is too easy to put things aside and not fulfill our dreams. So I am going back on track with this one.
I want to do - well, I have so many on this list that I actually have to choose. I think my first one will be skydiving. and I am planning to do it in less than 6 months. It is something I am going to do because it is really pushing the envelope for me. It seems so scary and so I want to face my fears and do it. My son and my daughter did it last year and so I had a year to think about it and decide it is the right thing for me to pick as my first challenge.
Just writing about all these things brings back energy that I lately felt is getting a little dim. I was right if I don't dream and go after my dreams I fall into this lulling routine.
I am thankful for waking up again. I am thankful that my heart is still full of dreams. I am thankful that I still have the time to creat a list and casually go through it and fulfill it, and fill my life with joy and excitement.

Horseback Riding

Day 74 - Saturday became my trips day in the past few weeks, and today was no exception. The weather was just OK no more. grey sky, low visibility, but warm and not humid, so nothing to complain. My daughter came with me so long hike three weeks after a knee surgery is not really possible but I was hoping to get a short one, just so she can see the amazing bloom I keep talking about. We drove to a place I visited few weeks ago but it was not that pretty close to the parking area and I was reluctant to go deep in with her. So we decided to just drive around and enjoy it from the car. And than she had the great idea to go horseback riding. We found a near by ranch and it was only the two of us a little chatty girl as a guide. We rode through through olive groves, rolling hills and carpets of flowers, so tall the horses didn't even have to bend to munch on  them. and it was so beautiful. it's an area that no one walks so only a very narrow trail of the horses and everything else lush green, with flowers in all the colors, some of them I didn't see yet anywhere else. and it was a perfect day  to ride, not too hot not too bright and not too windy. We also rode through the archaeological digs I visited a while back, and again it gives me the real sense of this very special country where the new and the old live side by side in perfect harmony. Where you can ride a horse between 2000 years old ruins, and not even realize how speciall it is, how ancient and special is this area. I also found it very interesting how different everything looks from a little higher point of view, from a horses saddle. I hiked some of these places only few weeks ago but I missed so much, being too close to the ground. Even to enjoy the beauty of a land you need to get the bigger picture.
I am thankful for a very lovely day, for riding a horse after a few years I didn't and most of all for another wonderful weekend I got to spend with my daughter. I am also thahkful that she got to see the bloom even though she can't hike to these places yet and by the time she can do it the season might be over, since spring is a very short season here, on the edge of the desert.

Running With Wolves

Day 73 - Friday again, my favorite day of the week. I did not have an alarm clock but still woke up at 7:30am and considering the fact that they moved the clock to day light saving it was actually 6:30 - my everyday waking up time. But today is Friday so I could stay in bed and just enjoy it, drift in and out of sleep for another hour and a half and only then actually get up. It set the tone for a very peaceful and relaxing day. I met a friend for coffee after a long time we didn't see each other so it was really nice, we had a serious talk about creating our "Bucket List" and I am going to get back to that task - I'll talk about it another day. I also bought a great book - "Women Who Run With The Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I have it in one of my un-opened boxes, but today I felt like I have to start reading it and get more in touch with the "wild woman" in me, and so I just bough another copy of it. I feel like I am a little stuck again and I need some push in my explorations and this is why I remembered the book. I think it is going to be a true companion of the next few weeks and I will probably have few entries pondering about some of the issues it raises. Even just the thought makes me very happy. It is way too easy to fall into routine and live on the surface, going from one task to the next and basically avoiding life. The real livelihood had enormous depth and if I every want to really tap into my full potential or even get close to it, I cannot just sit pretty. I have to do the work. I am still hoping to get in touch with the artist in me, with the archaic powers buried deep inside me. It is time to take action and start bringing it up to the surface. So I am starting again on a journey - a very special present and I am so looking forward to what it will bring with it.

I am thankful for this opportunity I gave myself to do some more growing up. I am thankful to this woman, long time ago who brought this book to my attention, and I am so looking forward to the days ahead, to the discoveries they will bring with them.I am thankful for this opportunity to run with wolves, I think I am ready for it now.