A Broken Heart

Day 89 - Nothing really special to write about, which makes sense after so much action on the weekend. But this is not to say that nothing happened today. I went with my daughter after work to donate platelets, which again is a very powerful experience, especially here since they are so thankful to the people who do that and also it is much more personal. I found out today that my last donation went to a boy in the pediatric oncology. It makes me feel so good to know that with almost no effort on my part, just good will and three hours of my time, I could make the life of a very sick little boy a bit more promising, it can't get much better than that. So this was definitely a high point, but I want to write about something else.
Tomorrow is the beginning of our most important holiday. when you live here in this country, you feel the excitement in the air. But we lived for many years abroad and so if we didn't celebrate it it got lost. and tomorrow is going to be the first time in 32 years that I will celebrate this holiday without my husband, and not as many years, but still celebrating it without two of my kids. I will get to celebrate it with my parents and my sister and her family, but most my own family will not be there, just my youngest daughter, who makes it at all bearable. it tears me apart. I am sitting here and tears are rolling down my face as I write this. letting go of that part of my life is the most painful thing I had to do so far. and each one of us alone cannot create this feeling of wholeness, of warmth that was what this holiday was all about, what this family once was. I still remember last year's celebration, with all the sadness of the coming departure, for one night it was still a family event, all warn and fuzzy, and now it is not and it is plain painful. I hope next year we will find a way to be all of us together, and our little granddaughter celebrating this holiday for the first time, to be somehow a family again. It must be million times harder for him since he is there, abroad and alone. I cannot even imagine the pain. It is easy to go about your life day by day, but holidays make you stop and feel, stop and think. Stop and realize what I lost.
What can I be thankful in a moment like that? I am thankful that I have a heart that can be broken, I guess. that I can feel pain, that I can cry. These are also things to be thankful for, not only for sunshine and smiles.