Tenderness without words

Day 803 - after the long hike yesterday we had a quite day at home. Just working on things, talking having fun with my daughter and eating, of course. A quite day at home without much excitement but the pleasure of being together and enjoying each other's company all the three of us. These special moments of tenderness and care is what the fabric of our life made of. these are the moments we'll cherish and long for when our world is in turmoil. I feel blessed for learning this important lesson and because of that being able to enjoy such moment and not be in a position of acknowledging them only after they are long gone.

I am thankful for the lessons of my life that brought me to this point of being able to enjoy the little flowers at the side of the road. I am thankful I can do that when my life is bright and shiny and not only when troubles knock on my door; I am not that naive to think they'll never come. But I can fully enjoy this special moment at the present moment in my life.

A great hike

Day 802 - we just came back home from a long day of hiking. It's so good week after week to go out and spend a whole day in nature instead of staying home and work on our computer. We stretch our limbs, we breath fresh air, spend time with friends and with each other and keep our bodies happy and healthy. I can't think of one good reason not to hike. It is so easy and non expensive and fun. People traveling all over the world and neglect to see the little treasures on the sides of the roads here at home for a fraction of the price and available at all times. For us right now it's prefect. From one week to the next we can see how we get in better shape, how we do things so differently than our friends, how we started in the same place but we are now so much ahead. I am not bragging; it is not an ego talk. This si a simple observation that fills me with so much happiness. I forgot to take my sun screen today and I feel my face a little too hot, suggestion I might got a little sun burned but I will be OK tomorrow and the joy of today's beautiful trip will still be with me. So all is wonderful.
 
I am thankful for a wonderful day of hiking today in a place I last visited almost 40 years ago. I am thankful for a great day I spent with my beloved. I am thankful I'm tired for such a good reason.

House hunting, again

Day 801 - After almost 3 years in this wonderful country it is time for me to make some changes again. For a long time I am talking about moving out of the city and to a smaller place, about my desire to be close to the earth and finally I am making my first steps in this direction. about half an hour south of here there is a village that I like very much; an old one with a lot of small houses and with a very different feeling to it. This morning we drove there and looked at several houses. We didn't find anything we liked and places that seemed OK when I looked online did not look the same upon closer and personal inspection, but this is how house hunting works. I will drive there again and again until we'll find the place we like and ready to call home for the next year or longer. I wish I could buy a place so I won't have to keep moving but I can't so this is second best - rent in a place I like with the hope that living there will open some opportunities for me to find some hidden gems. We had a wonderful day warm and sunny with blue skies and fragrant with citrus blossom and we were looking for a place we'd want to call our home what else can I ask for. Another step in building my new life with my partner. and the exciting thing is that my daughter wants to move in with us. It is not something I take for granted and I am so happy about that. Since she got out of the army and moved to the big city we don't see each other as much and I hope living under the same roof will give us both the intimacy and the feeling of a family and home something she doesn't have since she moved out and I hope we will be able to find again. A home is something so loaded especially for someone who lost it, and this is the situation for the three of us. The solution is not necessarily the same for everyone but the need for a warm feeling of belonging, the need for family and some normalcy is something most people share. I hope we will be able to find a place that will give us what we are looking for and will enable us to  rebuild that which was lost.  
  
I am thankful for a wonderful day of house hunting. I am thankful for a perfect day for this important milestone. I am thankful for our courage to move forward and not freeze by the sheer magnitude of what we are doing, the greater commitment we are making; the declaration that we are really in this relationship for the long run; that as far as I am concerned I found the man I want to be with for the rest of my days on this earth. I am so thankful to my daughter for wanting to move back home and live with us in this wonderful place.  

Day 800 - another milestone. 800 days I am writing this blog. For 800 days now I had to find something to be thankful for. For 800 days I had to follow up on my commitment and write something that fills my heart with joy; something

So very tires

Day 799 - I am dead tired. It took me an hour to write this simple sentence! So in a day like that I will write nothing and be thankful for that.
I am thankful I can go to sleep now; not sure why I am so tired but the fact remains the same. I am so thankful for this nice and soft bed awaiting for me in the other room. Dear bed I am crawling into you now...

Day 798 - I love the"day after" we ate the leftovers, went to see his son doing one of his performance, spent some quality time with our kids and we ate; a lot!

A night to remember

Day 797 - Passover dinner. The first one for us in our home and not as guests at others' since we moved here. We had such an amazing time!!! Everything about it was so wonderful. From the table we set and decorated, the food we prepared and most of all the wonderful atmosphere since nothing works if the mood is not right. For a few hours we felt like a family. My youngest daughter was there, his youngest son and my daughter's friend. Three young people that brought their energy and their fresh ideas to the table, blending it well with generations old traditions and the outcome was so heart warming and fun. The intimacy of it was amazing and we all had a wonderful time. For each of us there were important "firsts" tonight. For me and my daughter - the first at home since we moved here. For her friend - the first in hebrew and in Israel. For my boyfriend and his son - the first they were celebrating together in ten years (!) and for the both of us - the first family holiday we celebrate together, the first one as a family. It was so loaded but it met all the expectations and more. I nevre celebrated such a long Seder - almost 5 hours of this fuzzy and warm feeling - what else one can ask for! and to top it all, when we finally finished the kids got into the kitchen and washed all the dishes and put all the leftovers in the fridge - how wonderful they were and we were so grateful for that! and so I am going to sleep tonight with a heart full to the brim.
 
I am so thankful for this amazing evening, for this amazing Seder I have no words to express my feelings I am just full of thanks. I am thankful to my partner who set all eveing across the table and his eyes glowing and at times with a hint of a tear. I am thankful for this wonderful girl who joined us tonight, her first Seder in our country and far away from her family with a Haggadah in Hebrew only (since I didn't even realize  I bought one in Spanish instead fo English for her) and yet she brought only joy and laughter to the table. I am thankful to my partner's son for being with us tonight and by that making it a family event for his dad; for bringing his funny side to the table and making it such a fun evening. I am thankful most of all to my daughter for being with me tonight, for bringing her love and care, her good nature and fun spirit; for playing along and by that making it an unforgetable eveing. I am thankful to her for her love and support, for her understanding for being with me here in this country, in this new life I carved out of the ashes. I am thankful for a night to remember.

White smoke

Day 796 - I went to sleep yesterday with very heavy feeling after a big fight were both of us were exhausted and hurt; when it all ended and I was not sure we can patch it up.  I went to sleep with heavy heart and than I suddenly realized something very important, something I hope never to forget again. Fight are part of life, we have to try to minimize then, definitely control what we say because you can never take back something you said and I know all too well that words can hurt so much; so what?! I can fight with my kids as much as needed, and I might get upset for a few hours or even a few days, but I will never stop loving them because we fought. At the end of the day the anger, frustration, hurt what ever it was will subside and we will still love each other. And so it is here, in a couple's relationship. I might be hurt or angry or upset but it should not put the tomorrow in question. Sounds simple but for me it was profound truth which I shared with him, just to find he holds the same notion. We both know we have something very special in our hands and ready to do what ever it takes to keep it and strengthen it. So we talked it over like adults and each said what they had to say, we talked it as long as we needed but in a calmer environment and with a positive attitude, with the understanding that we love each other and this is part of the adjustment to each other; that our staying together is not an option, we just have to learn how to work better and express our needs and feelings in a way that the other will understand.   
  
I am thankful this fight is over; it was bad and it shook the ground under my feet. I am thankful it made me realize how important this relationship is for me, that I am ready to fight for it. I am thankful that at the end of a very long discussion we were able to sent the white smoke, we were able to make up and put it behind us. 

A day that started well but ended not so...

Day 795 - a huge fight. not sure if we will survive it as a couple. Right now I am not even sure I want that. but I have to learn how to fight and stay together, that not every time I have a fight I just break everything and go. But I am way too upset to write. I slept one hour last night and drove 400 km and hiked for 7 hours in the heat and challenging hike at that. Too much on my plate right now and I don't want to make things any worse than they are right now, and they sure are.

I don't know what I can be thankful for right now; I guess I am still healthy and I had a great hike even if it was clouded by behavior I cannot accept, even if it ended in a huge fight. I am thankful I can take a shower right now and go to sleep; I hope I will be able to sleep even with all the turmoil.

A mistake

Day 794 - More than a month ago my daughter asked me if she can take my car this weekend. I agreed, of course so she and a few of her friends bought tickets for an event that takes place this weekend. Now all is very ordinary in this story and nothing to write home about but for the little fact that for some reason it didn't register with me that it is this weekend. So, not comprehending that, I registered for a trip with our hiking group, promising to take 3 passengers with me, none of them has a car of his own.  and to make things worse, she called me from the bus already on her way to me, and in our country on Friday after 2 pm nothing works, all businesses are close for the weekend. Now what can you do with two conflicting obligations and one little car? obviously, it can't be in two places at once and definitely not with 9 people on board. A quick analysis of the situation made me realize that the only solution is to drive to the airport, being the only such business open on Friday night, and rent a car there. I called them and could not even place a reservation, it's on a first come basis at those hours, unless I had a prior reservation. I decided to take my chances, believing the universe is with me, and so we did. An hour and a half drive in each direction, and a much higher rent than I could get, had I planned it ahead of time, but the problems was solved. I took the rental car and my daughter took mine, she is too young to be able to rent here, and we parted to our separate ways, happy we found a solution to a crisis and some quality time even if it was while driving. I was very happy I was able to come on the spot with a solution to such a problem. I like it that I can keep calm and cool and find a non conventional way to solve problems. And especially in a case like ours where we had to solve it almost on the spot...
  
I am thankful for this ability to stay calm and clear headed in times of crisis. I am thankful for the solution I came up with. I am thankful the universe was with me and I was able to find a rental with no reservation in this high season, the hottest time of the year - Passover is on Monday night. I am thankful I can afford to make this kind of a solution, that I don't have to count every cent and one mistake will not break me; I don't take it for granted like I once did. 

A Tarot reading evening

Day 793 - we took an evening off Facebook and we did some tarot cards reading. I am still on my first steps in this mysterious world and the first time I am involved in reading. I have to go back to each one of the cards and try to understand the deeper meanings, the hidden message and I like it. You have to really think and use your intuition. You have to not get stuck on a meaning of a card but instead to understand the message. I like doing that; I like the challenge and the direction it can take me; I like the fact I can advice people how to go about a question, to guide them in the right direction. I still cannot do that. I need many more practice readings but I liked how the cards are "talking" to us; how they are part of the deal. I sure will get more into it. I was skeptic about it before but I am not any more. I will finish this course and will start reading to people and later teaching it. It is so interesting and it send a very clear message about me, my partner, our relationship and I just love it. Even in the cards you can see the special connection between us. It was so interesting to study this way from the applied side of the business.
  
I am thankful for a very interesting and very different evening. I am thankful for an opportunity to see my partner from a very different angle. I am thankful for the challenges and rewards the training brings with it. I am thankful for this special gift from my partner that enriches my life so much. 

About not giving up

Day 792 - I kept working on the Facebook apps this evening. Once I had the first break I could really start working. I created a beautiful app tonight - a connection to the blog. I even managed to find the right way to embed it inside Facebook and not to go outside to it, as it originally did. I manged to adjust the size so it will fit into the Facebook frame, and I created a nice little picture for the tab. I am so proud of this and I know it will get even easier from now on since this was the most complicate app I am planning to develop. The guy that was here last week wanted $150 to build it for me and here I am - doing it like a pro and saving a lot of money in the process. I am so hipped!!  

I am thankful I have enough patience and determination to plunge through a mission that at times looked like an impossible one. I am so thankful I was able to bring it all the way to success. I learned this lesson a long time ago - never stop 3 feet before the target and I am so thankful I was able to keep my goal clear a=enough and not give up; the taste of success is so good after working for it so hard.

A lucky break

Day 791 - I did it! I finally managed to create my first Facebook app. I worked on it yet another evening and at some point I had a lucky break and found the right tutorial. I am still miles away from the finish line. Now I have to create the real thing, but tonight I am celebrating the fact that after days of no luck and when I was almost ready to five up and pay for some help, I managed to find the solution.

It's past 1am right now so this is a very short entry, but a very happy one.
I am thankful I finally managed to find the break and get the solution I was looking for. I am so very thankful I was patient and determined enough and didn't give up.

A holiday lecture

Day 790 - Passover is almost here and we had a little gathering at work today to celebrate it. We also had a guest speaker after the toast and he was absolutely amazing. He talked about our country and the changes it goes though; he talked about the situation in the middle east; about the changes in the Arab world in the past two years. I  have to admit don't watch TV nor listen to the radio, I don't even read newspapers. I know it is not something people agree with but this is how I choose to live, I don't want bad news and needless information to clutter my spiritual path. But, I guess I'll have to find some balance between the two. The lecture today was so amazing for me since I knew nothing of all he talked about. He is known to be a bright analyst so I might not be able to reach the same conclusions or see the big picture the way he does, but I should know something and not to be a complete ignorant. In any event, I even recorded his lecture so I can listen to it again and share it with my partner who is no better in this than me. I liked what I heard; he talked about very positive changes here in our country, he had some interesting things to say about the evens unfolding in the countries surrounding us; winds of hope engulfed me. I didn't know our country is doing so well, I didn't understand why or future prospects and I liked what I heard. It made me see one more facet of why the move I did was smart. It made me thing of changes I still have to make here. But most of all it filled me with optimism and that is always a good thing.

I am thankful for this amazing lecture. I am thankful for all I learned today. I am thankful for changes I'll be making because of that. I am thankful I live in this wonderful country, my homeland, that I can once again call home; I am so proud to belong here.

Little joys

Day 789 - after two weeks of of very hot weather and after a very pleasant hike yesterday, it is a winter-like weather again. It rained yesterday night and today started very pleasantly but ended with some serious rain. And by now I had to take out the heater after I stored it safely already, because I was too cold. But, as I always say, we live in a very dry country and every drop of rain is meaningful, even if as city dwellers we don't feel it that much. We'll have several months of very humid and hot weather, and now that we are at the end of it we can be generous and allow for a few more days of rain. The flowers that only yesterday I mentioned are all but gone might have a second round. And besides, I am back home now, after a little outing we had, and I am warm and dry and ready to go to sleep; what else one needs in order to be happy! and I sure still remember to count my blessings every single day.

I am thankful for the blessed rain that bring few more inches of water to this arid land. I am thankful the rains only started at night and so we could enjoy a beautiful spring day before the winter came back. I am thankful for a great outing just the two of us to a coffee house were we sat and studied a little further into the tarot cards. I am thankful for little drops of happiness along the way, for another wonderful day with the man I love; simple joys but it's all I need.

Saturday hike

Day 788 - it was a beautiful day, not too hot like the last week and so we went out for a little hike about half an hour away from our house. Our country is a very dry and hot country and the spring is very short and intense. Last year at this time everything was in bloom. This winter was very rainy and we are about 30% over the annual avarage rain falls, so the flowers this year were particularly beautiful and in abandance. But the past week and a half were extremely hot and most of the flowers wilted. It was a little disappointing but it was still a great day. The green might not be so lush but astill very green, there were many flowers, mostly the different yellow ones with few blues and even a pink flower. The sky were blue, the sun bright and warm and the temperatures most pleasant. We hiked almost all the way to the bottom of the mountain and then climbed up again since we had to get back to our car. We hiked between fliers and among the cows that enjoyed the pasture very much. We didn't think of bringing with us out coffee kit so we could not make coffee in the middle of our hike; but it could not ruin the experience for us. The funny thing is that we both felt kind if tired and our joints were hurting but my daughter came home changed into her running gear and went out running. I can only admire the strength and resilience of these young people.
 
I am thankful for yet another wonderful hike in nature. I am thankful all the three if us could enjoy this hike. I am so thankful my daughter is here this weekend; I love it when she comes for a visit; I really don't see her enough.

Facebook training

Day 787 - after struggling with Facebook for the past month I decided it's time to call professional help. And so we scheduled a FB 101 training with someone I got great recommendations for. He came here this morning in in 3 short hours taught me more than I could do on my own in many more months. and he showed us the little known things that make it so powerful as a business platform. Now I cannot wait to start applying the new knowledge we got and see if it makes the difference. I am sure it will make things easier, I am sure we can reach a larger crown and I am sure that in the long run it will bring business opportunities our way. It was very interesting to see how many things I never even realized exist and so never even knew I can use to our advantage. So they always say that the way a guy's brain works is "if all else fail - read the instructions"; apparently my brain works the same way. But boy, am I happy I finally gave up and called for some help. I guess I have to know my shortcomings and ask the professionals for help; what will take me months is something they do in a few minutes; and my time can be put to a better use than reinvent the wheel. I learned something very valuable today and I'll try to remember it from now on. playing to my strength and get help in my weaker points. But today I am not going to judge myself or be unkind to me; I'm just happy for the vast knowledge I got and the opportunities it opened for me.
 
I am thankful for this great recommendation I got from a friend for this particular consultant. I am thankful I finally decided to call for help. I am thankful most of all for the knowledge I gained and the new horizons now open for me to soar. I am thankful for what I can get from willing to pay for what I do not know; for being humble and not pretend like I have all the knowledge.   

A special visit

Day 786 - my daughter is coming for a visit this weekend and I'm very excited about it. We used to see each other every weekend but ever since she started life as a civilian and moved to a different city we don't see each other as much. I guess I'm also more busy with my partner and it probably created some distance as well. I hope we will be able to bridge it and to bring back the closeness we shared for so long. But tomorrow she's coming for a visit and I can't wait for that. I think we will also take a little time just for the two if us, kind of going on a date. I think we need that. And more so I just want that quality time and intimacy of the two if us.
 
I am thankful my daughter is coming for a visit. I am thankful for plans and dreams. I am thankful for a special weekend ahead of us. I am so very thankful we both live here in this country and only an hour and a half away.

Another Facebook frustraion

Day 785 - I am still trying to work on our Facebook page and I have to admit it's frustrating for me. I used to be able to do all these things very easily but I am starting to feel I am not as up-to-date as I used to be. And i don't even have the patience to read pages upon pages of instructions. I guess I am starting to free the stage for the younger generation. We have to face it at some point, the world is running forwards in an ever faster pace and I am dragging my feet in a way, I am not able to catch up on all that; not even interested. SO how to compete in a world we don't understand as much as they do? It looks like we will have to hire some help; to do the work for us and clarify this media to us more than we get it by now. It's a little sad to realize we too are getting to be a dinosaur, we are aging and getting slower; that in a few years it will be even more difficult for us to understand the progress; but it is also a sign of being here for many years, for the wisdom we gained and the experiences we went through. and in the field of personal coaching this has more value than a cool Facebook page. So I am hopeful we can pull it through. 
  
I am thankful for an evening where I challenged myself, even if I have nothing to show for it. I am thankful for a beautiful day, for a lovely evening and I am looking forward to a restful night. I am thankful for another day here on this earth, in this country; here with my beloved daughter and with my patrner.

Lice scare

Day 784 - I got a call from one of my friends last week that they have found lice in their daughter's hair and I should check my hair to make sure I did not contracted it as well. I combed my hair with the special brush and it was clean. I also checked my partner's hair and he was fine. But we both kept scratching our hair for the past week and yesterday it was so bad and my scalp itched so much that this morning I decided to buy the special shampoo to treat lice and treat my hair. I came home early today and sprayed my hair with the solution, massaged it into my scalp and 20 minutes later washed my hair from all the stuff. Then I combed my hair with the special comb to get all the lice and their eggs out. I did everything as instructed and I combed my hair so much that my scalp feels raw, but nothing came out, the combed picked nothing. So it is all my imagination and the big scare I have of having lice. I hope now I will be able to put it to rest and stop itching my poor head. It sounds really stupid doing the treatment for nothing but I was so itchy that I had no other choice, I had to make sure I'm not just missing it  and just the thought of having lice sends chills along my spine. So stupid or not, I feel so much better for doing it; for getting my peace if mind again.
 
I am thankful for taking the test and getting a negative results. I am thankful for an early departure from work today, for a relaxed afternoon even if I worked from home later in the evening. I am thankful for a clean and lice free head.

Day 783 - spring is here and the air is warm and balmy. I love it.

Spring fever

Day 782 - after cleaning the house on Friday I decided to tackle some of my clutter. I brought with me from my previous life several boxes of books and papers and I knew one day I'll have to sort them, I just didn't have time for that before I left and energy until now. I was in the kitchen, talking to my BF this afternoon when suddenly I had bad vibes coming at my direction from the kitchen porch and I just knew what I had to do. For the next four hours I went through the content of 3 boxes full of papers and book and through away most of it. Less than one box was left for future cleaning while the other two made their way to the recycling bin. It was a long process through memory lane but I came out at the other side of the tunnel feeling lighter and happier for doing that. I am so energized by now that I think tomorrow I am going to tackle few more boxes!! My BF strongly preaches for "cleaning the spiritual path" by removing the clutter and old memories from our way. Up until now I really resisted that and kept dragging all this unnecessary junk with me from across the ocean and from one rented apartment to the next. But today I finally decided that I am never going back to my old life so why should I keep all these things that I have no use for here in this country. I feel so happy about this today that the  pendulum might get to the other side - I might start throwing away too easily. Well, at the moment I have enough so it's not a concern any time soon.
 
I am thankful for this inspiration to throw away some of the clutter from my life. I am thankful for the space, both physical and metaphorical that opened up in its wake. I am thankful for getting rid of old stuff that does nothing but weigh me down. I am thankful for this spring fever

A beautiful spring day

Day 781 - It's Saturday and the day was beautiful; blue skies, sunny and warm. And so we packed few sandwiches, some fruits and a bottle of water and we drove few minutes from our apartment to the south of the city. It always amazes me how in a few minutes the scene transforms itself from the bustling of a big city to the serenity of nature. All was lush green, full of wild flowers and blooming trees, the air rich with the fragrances of all the flowers. It's nature at its best. Vigorous growth, busy bees and butterflies, you feel the renewal everywhere. This is where a year and a half ago a wild fire destroyed hundreds of acres of wild forest and now it is hard to see signs of it. Nature in a wild force of renewal did its work. And I was hiking there in all this beauty loving all I see around me; enjoying the day, the scene and most of all the company and in the same time I was thinking humans lives were lost here in this area in the same horrific fire and for that there is no recovery. We don't count new life that were born since then as a substitute for the ones lost. The powerful renewal of nature stops there. I did not let these sad thoughts to dwell for very long. Nature did its thing with me too. And I walk there in this beautiful park almost drunk of joy. We hiked for few hours among the flowers, in the dry river (brook) bed, jumping and climbing the boulders on our path, all the way to the sea, to the foothill of mount Carmel. It was so good to be outdoors after a long week at the office. I wish I could do it more often. 
  
I am thankful for a beautiful day of hiking. I am thankful for an amazing spring day I could enjoy so much since it is Saturday - my day off. I am thankful I have a partner who loves these things as much as I do so we can enjoy it together.      

Spring cleaning

Day 780 - Friday was always my house cleaning day. But ever since my partner moved in with me he was taking care of it during the week while I was at work. It's nice of course but I don't like the feeling I am not doing enough for my home.  I have to learn how to be better at accepting help, but it is always a challenge for me. But this week was a little hectic and so he didn't do it during the week. And so after a lazy morning, while he was cooking dinner I decided to clean the house. It might sound funny but after such a long time I even enjoyed it; to dust every corner and every surface; to go into hard to get places. He still insisted on washing the floors but at least I did part of it. And two hours later the house was sparkling, dinner was ready and we were happy for doing things together. It's so easy to please people who enjoy each other's company; even the most boring or disliked chores become fun when you do it together, or when you do it to make him/her happy. I never did something like that before and I have to admit I like it. I think I learned something very important today and I sure would love to repeat it; to treasure this simple pearl of wisdom - when you love everything you do is being painted in lovely colors. 
  
I am thankful for such a nice afternoon of cleaning and cooking. I am thankful for the joy I find in the most mundane places, for doing it with the man I love. I am thankful I found such partner who want to be part of everything I do and does not think that certain things are not for him to do. I am thankful for a very clean house for Sabbath.   

Day 779 -

The wheels of change

Day 778 - I had a coffee in the morning today with my partner before going to work and we talked for a long time and suddenly it was crystal clear to me what we are going to do next. I just saw the new business and I know it will work and be very successful. I told him what I think and he got excited too and so we started bouncing ideas and it was all very exciting. This evening, after a whole day we had to think about it we had the opportunity to discuss it some more, set simple and attainable goals and we are officially on our way to develop this new venture. The good thing is that I can do it while keeping my day job and so I risk nothing and when the time will come and it will grow enough to support the both of us, then I will start working it full time. For months I knew I want to make changes, but I didn't do anything; it's not easy to start moving the wheels of change. And I am so excited I finally did; so excited about the new direction, the new opportunities. And its even more exciting we can do it together.  
  
I am thankful for this morning coffee that got my brain working. I am thankful for the invigorating feeling after months of being too stagnant. I am thankful for an idea I think can grow into a serious business. I am thankful for an exciting morning and exciting evening, for the thoughts flying in all directions, for the promise of change.  

Confusion

Day 777 - when I first moved here I had no money and no job and I knew very few people. The interesting thing is that I was not scared. I just knew everything will align for me; everything will be fine. And it sure did. I found work and an apartment to live, I made new friends; I was so happy and smiled to the world and it shone on me. But now, two and a half years later I realized I am stuck; I think it's time to make some changes. My daughter is trying to convince me to spread my wings and fly again and I keep finding reasons to stay put. In the past few weeks, ever since I came back from my hiking trip I cannot find my bearings again. I don't want to play it safe, to follow the crowd; I want my life to be exciting again. Today I came back in a bad mood and told my partner that I am getting out of there, I can't do it anymore. And for me it is not  a question of "if" any more but a question of "when" and of course what's next for me, how to do that. And this is what I am going to focus on as of today. I am so happy I finally reached the point of no return. 

I am thankful for this confusion, it is the first step on a new road. I am thankful for my hiking trip that made it crystal clear that I have to make some changes. I am thankful for the light at the end of the tunnel; even it it is still very far out.

Nothing to report

Day 776 - my life is getting a little too predictable, too much a routine and nothing really to report. I go to work, I come back and I spend my evenings with my partner; and I find it against what I set up to do to write every day that I am thankful for having him in my life, I can't write every day the same thing. But what is really important for me? All I care here is that my daughter starting her life as an adult, that she enjoys her work so much; that I'm happy she's back; that I am thankful she is fine after the scary accident the day before yesterday. And that every passing day i am happy my path crossed the path of my partner and that we are so happy together. And i have my son and my oldest daughter so very far from me but i am thankful they are doing well and building life fir themselves. It all sounds so cliche and nothing special but what is life is just small moments of joy with the people we love, short moments of joy and long starches of nothingness. I am blessing every such moment and wish this will be my share in life. Small moments of happiness, surrounded by loved ones. What else can I ask for?!
 
I am thankful for one more day of peace, of tender love, of knowing all is well; I might be far away from two of my children but they are doing well and I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for an evening I got to spend with my partner. I am thankful most of all for a calming phone call from my daughter, for knowing she is ok; I am thankful she is fine after such a scary accident.

Accident

Day 775 - my daughter had an accident at home yesterday.She slipped and fell and hit her head very hard. At the beginning it sounded like a stupid accident, a little embarrassing since few of her friends were witnesses to that but no more. Few hours late she still didn't feel very well and had a headache and was a little worried she got a  concussion.  

Second family chalenges

Day 774 - When you get into a second family situation it's always a delicate matter. It doesn't really matters whether we are married or not. there's still the "his children" and "her children" and the ex and the former relatives. How do you handle it, how do you conduct yourself, what are the boundaries and the expectations... So here I am on this uncharted territory as far as I am concerned, and I have my opinion of my do's and dont's. And my partners opinions might be different. How do we bridge it to make our lives as smooth as possible while dealing with this mine field? do you go despite how you feel just because your new partner wants you there or do you insist on not going? and what to say and how to behave and how far would you go to make your partner feel good... All valid questions that as we get deeper into our relationship we will have to answer. 

I am thankful for an event that brought up the subject and I am thankful for the need to struggle with the answers right now, when it's only hypothetical and no feeling involved, except pride. I am thankful I have the personal strength to go to his family event, when I know almost no one but him; I sure hope he'll act the same way.

A blessing in disguise

Day 773 - a precious moment of intimacy was shattered by the reality check of the phone. Something that happens so many times and for some reason it did not go down well this time. So it was followed by a very long discussion about the tyranny of reality and especially something we so take for granted as the tyranny of the phone. We allow it to interrupt us at the most inconvenient times and just get annoyed by that instead of realizing it is our choice to allow it to control our behavior, our circumstances. Even in modern time one should be able to claim a moment in time as his/her own sacred moment not to be interrupted, not allowing the magic to pass. I practice this for a long time now after I learned the hard way of the devastating effect it can have, but most people don't and they find my behavior weird. Today I had the opportunity to bring one more person into the fold; to open his eyes to the deeper meanings of letting something external like a phone or the person behind it, control our behavior in a certain moment. And he got it, and was shaken by what he suddenly saw in the mirror and I know it will make a significant change in the way he conducts himself. This is why I love him; everyone is allowed one mistake and I know he'll never make it again. I also learned that when something bothers me I have to express it; an uneasy feeling, a pang of hurt turned into something positive as we talked about it more. A blessing in disguise.
  
I am thankful for the way the moment turned into an opportunity to know and understand each other better. I am thankful I have a partner so open and ready to listen. I am thankful for the opportunity for both of us to do something differently, to improve our communication and openness. I am thankful for this blessing in disguise.