One life to live

Day 954 - you can't live your life trying to please others. It just doesn't work. All can be nice and dandy until something goes the wrong way or just rub them that way. And if you stand by holding your breath, waiting for their approval then you kind of miss your own life. And even more than that, most people don't know what they want for themselves but they know all too well what they are expecting of you. Interesting, isn't it? Well, today I got a reminder of that. And as always, things hurt for a reason, to make sure we'll pay attention, and if we won't something more painful will follow until we won't be able to ignore it any more.

I'm thankful for this reminder; I will try to internalize the lesson so nothing bad will happen. I am thankful that I canine my life and make all the mistake I want; they are mine to mess up. I am thankful for I can go to sleep now, just few minutes past midnight; still in good time.

A very special Friday

Day 953 - Friday, as you know is my errands' day; but not today. I am doing some research for a future project and instead of spending my day shopping and cleaning I took few hours to work on my computer. I don't have time to do it during the week. When I only arrive home at 10 pm it's too late to do anything. I think I have to change my schedule; wake up at 6 am again meditate for 15 minutes and longer later, when I'll get into the groove again, and after that take the train to work. But it is imperative to wake up earlier (and go to sleep accordingly) in order to get more out of my day, not only work. More of a problem is that on Friday most offices are close. It is like Saturday elsewhere - a good day for shopping but not for any other kind of errands. Still, I got ahead and sent messages to the places that were closed for hopefully a Sunday answer. And only then I went shopping, in the one of the only ones open Friday afternoon. A little far away, but it was well worth it. Coming back I was tired and went for a little nap; it is Friday after all. But it turns out I was more than "a little" tired as I found out when I woke up at 2 am. A quick evaluation brought me to the surprising conclusion that it would be a mistake to get up and continue my day since it will ruin my Sabbath  so back to sleep it was for a 6 am wake up and meditation to the happy chirping of the birds. What a great day to start a day. The only left over is this blog and here I am finishing it up now. 
  
I am thankful for a very productive Friday. I am thankful for all the things I was able to check off my list. I am thankful for a great nap-turned-sleep; I sure needed that.    

A nice get away from my routine

Day 952 - I went today to a lecture in a store specializing in rocks and stones. One lecture about opals and one about stones that are of organic origin from plants or animals. I love stones and crystals and find it interesting to learn more about them, so it was very interesting and fun evening. Very out of the routine kind of evening. I think I have to do that more often; it's invigorating. It's so easy to fall into a schedule and not break it, especially with our very hectic life style, so every change is a blessing and comes to remind me that I'm still alive and can do great things if I'll put my mind and heart to it, if I'll master my will to move forward. Until then even a simple lecture about something I like is special and out of the ordinary.

I am thankful for this break in the middle of my week for something special and for my interest and education. I am thankful for a nice ending to my not very special day, it sure gave me so much positive energy.

Bad Karma?

Day 951 - It's my washing machine again. It kept stopping in the midst of a wash with an warning light. So I called the technician again and today he came to find out the engine had to be replaced. In a matter of few weeks they had to replace both the computerized board and now the engine. At first I was thinking thanks god I decided to buy the extended warranty; it's more than paid for itself already but few minutes ago I had the contradicting thought. I never before bought for an extended warranty and things always worked just fine. In this particular case I allowed the installation guy to talk me into this purchase and maybe by doing so I jinxed it; maybe I set the wheels in motion by making this purchase; maybe if I didn't do it the machine would just work fine... who knows, it sounds stupid but I truly believe every step we take has an effect on our environment and it will react to it in some way, even if we can see or explain it; so why not the machine? I know for sure that every time I saw the certificate of this warranty I kept thinking how silly of me it was to purchase that. I'll never know the answer since it resides in a parallel world to which I have no access, but never the less it's an interesting and intriguing thought. One thing for sure, I won't do it again; it's bad karma.

I am thankful my washing machine works again. I am thankful I have a washer; I still remember the days I didn't have it and had to wash and wring everything by hand. I am thankful I still got to work even if awfully late; I'll have to make up the hours this Friday. I am thankful for all the work I could do on my own things while waiting for the technician to get here; I sure needed these extra hours.  

TED talks

Day 950 - I was listening to some TED talks today. the one I liked the most was Tim Robbin's about what makes us successful or not. Very interesting indeed. Of course nothing is new and we heard/read it all in one version or another but he puts it in a very interesting, even intriguing way. What do we do when bad things happen? What is the narration we give ourselves? are we victims or are we motivated and more determined to succeed? in short what are we made of?
Am I built for success? I think we all are, but too many times we take the easy route and choose to stay as victims instead of overcome adversities; to give up instead of push forward, to hide behind our shortcomings instead of pushing through and getting better. I think I am getting to the stage I am ready to take some chances; to push and persist and work hard to make it happen. I think the time has come for me to get out of my comfort zone and step into the arena. A real late bloomer' but if I'll wait another decade in hesitation and self doubt I'll be even older. I'll keep listening to motivational speakers and find something I am passionate enough about to actually start the wheels turning; something that is worth the time and the work I'll have to invest to make it real; something that will make a difference in people's lives and because of that in mine as well. I need something I would love to get up in the morning for and see it as a being lucky I can do it all day long... The decision has been made, now I am looking for the right direction.

I am thankful for all these wonderful lectures, for the great ideas. I am thankful for anything that pushes me to move on and make the needed change in my life. I trust the universe to give me direction and I am so thankful for this divine intervention that is a constant force in my life.

What makes things useful

Day 949 - I am reading the book "Tao Te Ching" written more than 2000 years ago by Lao Tsu, one of the greatest thinkers of all time. This short book of only 81 "thoughts" is a master piece and holds truth today as it was such a long time ago. I knew of it but never read it and now I finally do. I read only one or two a day because it requires a lot of thinking but it is so interesting. I put one yesterday on my Facebook timeline and I put one today. And I want to bring up entry 11 here as well. It is a very deep truth, worth thinking and trying to live by. What makes things useful; the meaning emptiness gives to the material world. Now the question is how do we find and connect to the emptiness inside us. This is what meditation suppose to bring us closer to. I think that understanding is a big step forwards and then we have to strive to get to that place, one little step at a time.

I am thankful I found this book. I am thankful for the privilege to read it. I am thankful for every tiny step in this direction. I am thankful for any moment of quiet in the center of my being.  

A seat saver

Day 948 - A friend at work told me last week about an interesting invention she just saw; a cover for car seats so they won't get wet. It probably doesn't sound like something very interesting to you, but we live in a hot country stretched along the sea and coming back from the beach all wet is part of our daily life in the summer. And so trying to keep the car seats dry is something we put a lot of thought into. Usually you deal with that by sitting on a towel, preferably folded few times. But if the ride is long and the swim suit really wet we still might have a wet seat the next day, just wet enough to leave a mark on the nice shirt or dress you wear to work the next day. In short, a wonderful invention and so I asked her to buy me one just to retreat not asking for two as soon as I saw that little thing today. But, I am happy even with one. Just yesterday coming back from the beach we had to try to walk off some of the wetness and we had to use so many towels, and now I have a much easier and more elegant solution. 
  
I am thankful for this seat saver. I am thankful for all the shirts that won't get wet because my seat will be protected. I am thankful for little and silly inventions that make life so much easier. 

Beach Day

Day 947 - We live very close to the sea but for some reason I don't go there enough. I'm not sure why since it doesn't take any longer then it took me to get to the beach in the city I lived before but for some reason in my mind it's different. But we did go to the beach today. It was a little windy so we were planning that I'll have my first wind surfing lesson, but it was too windy and we could not rent in the club because of that. So we had to scratch that idea and just walk on the beach for an hour or so and sleep in the sun and swim. The nice thing about the Mediterranean is that it's not too cold and so one can stay in the water for a long time and enjoy it. Life along such a sea calls for a very interesting culture around it. Every one in our country from a very young age goes to the beach to play in the sand or wade in the water and as you grow older it becomes more and more part of what you do. Saturday is beach day all summer long. I got out of that habit since I lived abroad for so many years but I sure hope to renew that at least somewhat. But for now I am enjoying a wonderful beach day in a long time and the first one with my partner. It was so much fun!!! going to the beach with a boyfriend - I felt like a teenager again.

I am thankful for a wonderful day on the beach and the first one in the water this year, amazing considering the fact that the summer is almost over. I am thankful to have such a wonderful sea so close to us, calling us to come over and enjoy it. I am thankful for such a great weekend; we really needed some good times after all the turmoil of the past few months. I am thankful we found our way back to each other; I can't even imagine how sad this weekend would have been if we didn't.

sleep

Day 946 - Friday means a day off from work so it is a very ON day for all the differed work at home. Friday means shopping for food and cleaning the house and picking up certified mail. Friday means that when the evening comes I am so very tired. I can't keep my eyes open, let along my brain open to write. I guess every once in a while I need a day like that just to crawl to bed and sleep, until I'll actually have enough sleep. But right now I cannot write - it's just too much for me right now, and so I am so thankful for this blessed sleep. I am so very tired.

Karaoke night

Day 945 - Karaoke night. So much fun!!! It is on my list of things to do for more than 2 years, it was part of my "artist way" activities. But I could not find a place to go. So when one of my friends posted on her Facebook page about Karaoke night I immediately jumped at the offer. We met at the club that was still half empty but filled soon after. The funny, or should I say sad, thing is that I wasn't here in this country for many years and I don't listen to the radio so my local music knowledge is from almost 30 years ago. I didn't know almost any of the songs on the list, not even when it was sung. But still we had a good time. Beers, music, friends and each other all on a Thursday night outing, something we never do.  And I even got to sing one song. So fun all around.  
  
I am thankful I finally got to go to a karaoke bar here. I am thankful I could scratch it off my list. I am thankful I got to meet these friends after a very long time. I am thankful for a Thursday night fun.  

Giving it one more chance

Day 944 - I wrote yesterday how sad and hurt I am and apparently my partner felt the same way; that we are giving up on something worth saving, at least trying to save. And so we are trying to make it work one more time. But I think the shock of an actual brake up that almost broke us up is good for us. It made both of us realize we care too much for each other and we can't really tolerate not being in each other's life; of really losing each other. And now the real test will come. Now that we know how important it is for both of us to succeed, to make it work, can we be smarter. It is a common agreement that we are writing the script of our life and if we don't like it we can always change it. I sure don't like the direction we took, or should I say the detour; now it is up to us to write a different script. and not to fall into the same potholes. I think the important thing is that we broke the cycle by the severe act of breaking up, even if it didn't hold water for more than a few days. Even that was too long and too much. I didn't sleep much nor did he. And now I am so happy and elated, and hopeful again but also so very tired. Long days, very difficult days but I sure hope the storm is behind us. I wrote yesterday something very important - I didn't understand just how much he means to me until I lost him. I am thankful beyond words he felt the same about me. We are also lucky that our egos do not play too big of a role in our relationship and so we can paddle back and we can say it's a mistake and we can say we are sorry; without that we won't be here today. And now comes again the hard part, to build something solid and long lasting out of the ruins. To learn to communicate differently, to count to ten or twenty before answering; in short to get out of the automatic cycle of action and reaction; to be totally present in our life. And I hope that by understanding what we have at stake we will make the extra effort not only to feel certain way but also to act that way.  

I don't think I can be thankful enough that there is hope again for us. I am thankful that despite all the bad things we said there was still room for 'sorry' and for 'let's give it one more chance'. I am thankful our egos are smaller than our love. I am thankful I found a man I love so much that I might actually learn how to live with him in harmony. I am thankful for the challenges, for hope and mostly for love. I am thankful I can go to bed now without crying myself to sleep.         

Farewell my love

Day 943 - I was ignoring the events in my personal life for the last few weeks. It was just too much, the roller coaster that it had become. But I am so very sad to announce it is over. After 9 months what started as such a beautiful love story ended. The sad thing is that the past three months were so difficult with almost constant fights that at first I felt a relief. But that didn't last very long and I am just sad, so very sad. I love him very much and I wish things were different but sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes there are people you can love all you want but cannot live with. And we found the hard way we are such a couple. After the initial fairy dust settled it was all down hill. Our values are too different, we don't see eye in eye too many things and the way we interpret things made it impossible to keep going. Neither him nor I deserve to live in such a bad atmosphere and so with trembling hands we severed the ties and said our goodbyes. I am relieved that the pressure is off but I am heart broken. I never thought anyone can get so much into my heart again. I see our pictures from few months ago and it hurts so much. How happy we were and how it all got lost. He left such a big hole in me. I know I'll be OK but right now I am in so much pain. Just the thought of not seeing him again, not sharing so many tender moments... I thought we'll be together till our last day, but we make plans and God laughs; sadly our plans were also part of His jokes. And so after 9 months and endless plans I am saying goodbye to my beloved boyfriend and starting the very painful process of mourning and healing.
I used the L word too many times in vain in the last few years but only when I met him it became real. So I guess something good came out of it, I learned to open my heart again. I learned I can find love. But I still don't know how to have a lasting relationship and the price I am paying for it right now is sooo painful and heavy. It is so painful to find love and then loose it. How I wish things were different. 
  
I am thankful for having him in my life, even if for only a brief moment in time. I am thankful for every moment we shared, for all the love and the tenderness. I am thankful for every dream and hope and laughter. I am thankful I have a heart that can be broken; for too many years it was frozen.    

Considering again the open road

Day 942 - I bought a store almost a year ago and with time it proves to be more of a problem than a good investment. In one year it is the third tenant and he is leaving too. The truth is I was too kind to him. I didn't want to hold him in a very binding contract with no way out and the outcome is that after only 4 months he told me he is braking the contract. For a month I toyed with the idea of opening my own business there, tossing several options but finally I realized that it is modern slavery and I am not ready to do that. I bought an investment property so I can have a passive income; running my own business out of it will defy that idea - it cannot get more active than that. And so, after more than a month of dragging my feet and loosing precious time, I met today with a Realtor and asked her help in renting the store. So the outcome of this delay might be a month I'll have to pay the mortgage out of my own pocket, but I'll just look at it as putting a little more down payment, since it all goes to the mortgage. But I learned a very important lesson and I think it's totally worth the price. I understood my priorities and the need for lack of stability in my life. A store is something that will tie me down to no end. Just the thought of it makes me shiver. What about all my plans to travel and see the world? I am not ready to give them up; if anything I am in the mood to push it up a notch and actually start traveling, for short periods, but travel never the less. For a year I didn't do it at all but now I am ready to spread my wings again and fly. So to enable a spur of the moment decision on that end I went today to renew my almost expired passport. So here you go a day in the right direction - moving forward and upwards and outwards...   
  
I am thankful for finally making the decision to rent my store. I am thankful even more for the understanding of one more thing I don't want in my life, stability. I am thankful for a day that started badly ended in a very positive way. I am thankful for new beginnings, for new tomorrows, for the open road ahead.   

Celebrating day light

Day 941 - I had to be very early at work today so living so far away I had to wake up at 5:20 and at 6 am I was already at the train station. I didn't want to wake up my daughter so early to drop me off so I walked to the station. I didn't do it in a very long time, the early morning walk and the waking up so early and seeing the day waking up and it was a real pleasure doing it again. I think I might start doing it now. I started leaving late since my boyfriend and my daughter both started later and it was easier with one car to go all of us together. But he moved out last week already so we are not on the same schedule anymore and I can walk to the train station so I think I will start doing it more often. Maybe even every day. I enjoyed the early morning hours and the extra bonus was that I came back home still in day light. I could sit on my porch and read for two hours! I don't remember when was the last time I did that. The book is amazing but I'll talk about it some other time; today I am celebrating something that goes so much better with my natural biological clock. to enjoy day light and celebrate a fuller day.
 
I am thankful for this early morning wake up; for a wonderful walk in the still chill air before the heat becomes unbearable. I am thankful for celebrating day light again in my life, both literally and figuratively. I am thankful for a very good read I enjoyed today. And I am thankful that at 11:30 at night I am already going to sleep. Good night.

Change of direction

Day 940 - I don't feel like writing, can you imagine that? nine hundred and forty days into my writing the blog I feel crappy enough to just go to sleep and not look back at my day. But actually, when I think about it some more, I did spent few relaxing hours with my daughter that give some good moments to an overall crappy weekend. Sometimes I wonder if it's a smart idea to have a boyfriend at all, with all the drama in my life I question that more than once. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I will say that my daughter came with few really exciting revelations about her future that made me real happy; I sure hope her plan will work the way she visions it right now. For me, my past is longer than my future; for her it's almost all ahead of her. And it's so exciting!! I know I was not there as much as I should have this weekend but I have my bad moments as well; still it doesn't take away from what she had to say or plan. I look at her and it warms my heart, to see how all grown up she is and put together; planning her future in wide and excited brush strokes. I wish her all the luck she needs right now to go ahead and make it a reality and in the easiest and most straight forwards way. 
  
I am thankful I got to see my youngest daughter all grown up and serious. I am thankful I had the privilege to witness this change in direction about her future plans and career. I am thankful for this weekend, even if so difficult at times. I am thankful to my daughter for bringing light and warmth into it.   

Venturing out

Day 939 - Friday, a quiet and slow day after a very intense week. I just ran errands and then came back home and was lazy. I read, did some searches on the internet for some things I am looking for and spend some time with my daughter, who is now finally back home. This morning was the first time since I moved here that I just walked around town, looking what's there and I found some really nice stores. A nice spices store, a photo shop with a very nice and knowledgeable owner, a very cool Indian clothes store and a very well stocked art and crafts and office supply store. I think it's unbelievable that it took me three months to take the first real tour of the land. But at least I did it. Now I know a little better what are the things I can expect to find here and that there are some really nice people here. I knew in theory I guess but did't check it yet. I was too absorbed in my life and too busy at work to actually pay attention to my surrounding but, if I moved out of the big city into this small community, I better start getting to know where I am. As I am finding out, we gave up a lot of convenience to live here, so I better enjoy the good stuff of this small community.

I am thankful I finally ventured out of my comfort zone and into the "great unknown" of the place I live. I am thankful I found some really nice places and got some interesting stuff. I am thankful my daughter is back home and I got to spend few hours with her. I am thankful for a good day.

A messy office no more

Day 938 - Trying to put some order into the mess I usually have around me. I was just getting out of control. So I bought a new binder dividers and started to sort through the papers strewn all over my office and put them into the right place in the binder or in the recycling bin. an hour later my office is not completely organized but the mess is significantly reduced and the binder is full as well as the recycling bin. And I feel so much better for doing that. It's funny, you'd think that someone who is so messy just like that, but the truth is I love when all is nice and neat and organized I am just clueless about how to keep it that way. Not true, I know how to do that, just put each paper right into the folder or to recycling instead of putting it in the growing pile on my desk. But for some reason at the moment it looks like a good idea but later... Maybe I should make a new rule - I touch a paper only once and take care of it right away. Pay and file if it's a bill, or just file or do throw away if it's anything else, in short just do it. What happens with my current system is that it's so much more work for me and frustration also about the mess. Can I be that kind to myself and make a resolution to "just do it right", to not create so much extra work for no apparent reason? I sure have to try, life is too precious to waist them on unnecessary work. At least today I enjoy this clean desk of mine and the bed with no clothes to fold; a nice office for a change. 
  
I am thankful for the great idea to take care of the mess. I am thankful my office looks so nice and neat tonight. I am thankful for the new resolution to try to keep it this way and I'll do my best to adhere to that.  

Mission Accomplished

Day 937 - I needed to notarize a few documents today for some legal issues back to the states. It's the first time I had to do that and so it was a very interesting learning experience for me. Here a notary is a very experience lawyer, 10 years of work before one can become a notary. So it's not just going to the local mail boxes company or to Kinko's. I had to set an appointment and it cost a fortune. Back home it was $10 per signature; here it was $54 in a country where the average salary is about half or less than there. Adding to that was the fact that the first notary I set an appointment with just blew me off few minutes before our meeting. But, and there has to be a but, after all I am here to say thanks and not to whine, I managed to get an appointment with another lawyer right away and two hours later I was back at work with the signed documents even if a little disappointed. Coming from a different country I know it doesn't have to be that time consuming or expensive. But deciding to live here was not because it's the best deal in the world, it sure isn't. Life are expensive, salaries are low and the pressure is way too much at times. I decided to live here because I am part of this landscape, part of these people,I feel at home here more then anywhere else and this is the place I want to be despite all the above. I love it here, but I love it with open eyes; I don't tell myself lies or pretend things are pretty. I love this country with all its short comings. And so I accept with a little smile all these things that make others upset.

I am thankful for the little reminder that not all is perfect here in this little country of ours. I am thankful that even though it took me so much time and cost so much money I got the work done. I am thankful it is not something I need to do too often; and in small quantities we can take almost anything. I am thankful for my impending sleep, I didn't sleep well last night and so I am very tired.    

Progress

Day 936 - Few days ago when we were on the beach my partner's cell phone got soaked in sea water and you can guess the outcome of such an event. As part of the new and upgraded phone he got, and since he had a very bad cell phone plan I offered to get him the one we have at my work place, that is so much better. And so I did today. It's real easy, they just need some basic info from him and in a few minutes one can switch from one company to another, keep his phone number and get a plan that will save him a lot of money and give him so much more. The seller just gave me a new SIM card and this evening we switched it and all is well. With all the new plans and free minutes and free SMS and all, we already forgot how expensive it used to be; how they used to bind you to the provider for years. And now in a few minutes it's all taken care of. It reminded me when the home use of internet was in its infancy and we still had a dial up modem and we paid by the minute. I cannot even imagine now a days being on for only few minutes. Such a huge and irreversible change that took place in the past few years. We are talking about 15 years ago. It is scary sometimes to  think of all the changes we had gone through in such a short time. In this pace no one knows what the world will look like 10 years from now. I am still at the age when I can participate and enjoy these changes but I am sure the day will come when it will be too much for me, just as it is now for my parents. Such a strange thought. But this is the natural flow of life; the young ones are running ahead and the elderly slowly falling behind. I don't feel I'm getting older, but I am with every passing moment. But since it is such a slow process a little episode like the one today are the reflecting mirror through which I can detect them.
  
I am thankful for every passing day. I am thankful I got to live in such an exciting era. I am thankful for all the things we can enjoy because of that. I am thankful for little niceties such as internet and cell phones; they make life so much easier and the world such a small and accessible place.      

Not just sleep

Day 935 - it's been a long day; nothing exciting to report. Work, running some errands and finally back home. But it was also a day I lived, even if I'd rather do more meaningful things had it been my last, and I made it safely to its end, with a heart filled with gratitude. So a good day after all, even if not exciting. I spent some time with my partner and that's always great, cleaned my house, did some shopping and I even found time to read. Its "The good the bad and the ugly" kind of mix. Exciting side by side with the boring and the mundane. But it is a good reflection of life, so I am grateful for living another day on this earth and I guess I have to learn to be thankful also to the fact that I am one day closer to the end of this incarnation. Another day in this blessed place. Hallelujah.

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for all its facets. I am thankful I can go to sleep now.

Not being in the present

Day 934 - A different way of thinking, a few moments of acting in an un-aware manners can cause a lot of problems. I hurt the man I love for no reason just because I didn't pay attention to what I was doing. And I can say I'm sorry and I can feel really bad about it but the better way is to be more aware to what we are doing, to live in the present as much as we can and not on auto pilot. I know it is something we strive for but cannot do; but the more we practice the better we become. The more we do it the more we live in harmony with the world around us. I am still reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and she is talking there about her experiences in India in the little ashram that became her home for four months. And it is exactly the same issue of living at the moment, quiet the "monkey mind", live at peace and happiness. Maybe I should go to a place like that for a few months and connect better with my inner and true self or maybe just start meditating on a daily basis. I hurt the man I love so much and it makes me feel so bad. He really doesn't deserve that, he is always so good and attentive and loving. I can only say I am sorry and try to be more in the present next time.

I am thankful for lessons I get at every junction of my life. I am thankful I have someone I love so much that it hurts me I've hurt him. I am thankful for his calm and wisdom that help me where I need help. I am thankful for having him in my life.

A different kind of beach day

Day 933 - A day on the beach. I don't do it enough since I moved here, for sure. It started just as a day on the beach but my partner is not the kind of guy that will just sleep in the sun. He is a guy of action as much as his appearance is deceiving. So we put our stuff and started strolling. And soon enough we saw an area of sail boats and windsurfers. Now, he was a serious windsurfer for almost 20 years and gave it up about 10 years ago as his back did not tolerate any more the strain of very strong winds and hard core windsurfing. But he promised me a long time ago to teach me how to do that. And so with so many sails around he came back to his old self. It was interesting to see this quiet and soft spoken man talks in so much passion about the "how to" and before long he was standing on one of the boards and giving me my very first windsurfing lesson. I love the sea and everything connected to it. I love walking with my feet in the water, and I love just bathing in the sun; I have to admit I never did any of the water sports except power boating and that not really a sport. So it was my first time to look at the sea in a whole different way. Checking the waves and the winds considering the possibilities. I am not a young chick so I don't know how much beating my body can take, for sure I cannot do high winds but I would love to learn how to wind surf and go out to sea with all the freedom such sport can give. So it was decided, next week we are actually taking it out not only beach practice. It was so wonderful to spend a day on the beach. We live our lives in close quarters, working in offices and stores and not outdoors, and at night come back to our little boxes of homes of this kind of another. The fresh breeze of the sea, the soothing sound of the waves - they restore our souls and heal us. At the end of such a day I just feel whole again.  

I am thankful for a lovely day on the beach; a much needed outing from our daily hard routine. I am thankful for the introduction for this new idea (for me) of windsurfing. I am thankful for seeing this excited and alive side of my boyfriend, which I knew exists but never saw and assumed it was gone. I am thankful for the healing power of the sun and the beach and above all the power of the sea. And most of all I am so thankful for this phone call from my son, I was worries sick yesterday and I am so happy he is safe and on his way back home.       

A rough day

Day 932 - A dramatic day in more ways then I care to count .A very difficult day at times. It started so lovely with a plan to meet my daughter for a few hours, just the two of us. But very dramatic events on the other side of the ocean, back home, prevented some of the fun as we were checking all the time the news from there and discussed the events for a while. But still, through all that we managed to have some fun, visit a flea market and a very high end tea store that looked almost out of place in it's elegance. I was very happy that for a short while we were just us with no interruptions from here or there and I can't wait for her to come back home on Monday. It's been a long month and a half but it was good; for both of us. And I hope now we are ready to be back together here.

I am thankful to my daughter for the few wonderful hours we spent together. I am thankful for the little things we did that were so much fun and so special. I am thankful this day is over and luckily it ended on a good note; at times I wasn't so sure how it will end. I am thankful I can go to sleep now for a very needed rest.

A very special call

Day 931 - I had a long talk today with my son. It doesn't happen very often. He is a guy after all and seldom remembers the things or people that are not around him. I don't blame, this is just a statement; I know him and I love him just as he is. This evening I called him and he was busy but called me about an hour later and we had some quality time together, talking away. He told me about his life at the moment, the new job the bumps in his relationship in short a talk we didn't have for quite some time. He was in his little car, driving for the next 24 or 36 hours, bringing his car and his belongings back to his dad's house, where he'll reside until further notice; until he'll decide how and what does he want. I am glad we can do it every once in a while actually talk and not only exchange pleasantries.

I am thankful for my son's phone call; for time we could spent talking. I am thankful for having three wonderful children. I am thankful my youngest daughter is back here after almost two weeks away with her dad. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, I'm literally falling asleep.

A beautiful Poem

Day 930 - i found a very beautiful poem today by one of my favorite poets and I shared it on Facebook. I didn't read poetry in a very long time and it made me very happy. I think poetry is the kind of activity you can love or hate but not stay impartial to it. When I was younger I used to spend hours reading poetry and then I forgot all about it and got busy with life and materialistic world. The soft side of me was pushed to the corner for so many years; every once in a while i'd remember, read a few poetry books and get back with my life and the daily business of running a house and a family. I still managed to pick up few poets from that country, totally unknown to me and expanded my literary horizons. And now that I am here you'd think I'll have time to do all that but no, I don't. I am running in circles trying to catch up and being frustrated by how much I am neglecting myself etc. But today was different, I saw that poem and it drew me in, I read more and more, I thought about them and I just had a great time. Not a big story today, but this is the beauty of this blog; you just can't do it the "wrong way" and if reading few poems is what made my heart singing today than I am thankful for that.

I am thankful I found this beautiful poem today. I am thankful for ray of light shining on my day. I am thankful for words of encouragement that show me I was not the only one missing some beauty in my life this morning. I am thankful that at 12:30 am I can go to sleep. Good night!!

The power of crystals and stones

Day 929 - I love semi precious stones and I love crystals. I used to walk around with a little polished amethyst stone in my pocket, for good luck and for blessings. But it was never more than something I like. My interest was even more so because I like to make jewelry and I use all different stones in my designs; just because they are so pretty to me. Today I happened across an article about the healing qualities of these stones; their mystic meanings and I find it fascinating. Apparently they are used for generations as healing agents, helping in curing diseases, maladies and discomforts. They are healing body and soul and are good for depression, low self esteem and low energy levels. Stones can be used to bring love into our life, to absorb bad energies and replace them with tranquility and wholesomeness. Each one has its own qualities and its indications. It was interesting to read to learn how you chose them (by intuition) how you keep them and how your cleanse them. In short, I had a very interesting lesson today and I loved knowing that without any intentions I am using the healing powers of these stones for a very long time. Now that I know I will start using them in a more structured and accurate way and bring the right presence into my life. I think I am going to take a class, if I can only find one. 
  
I am thankful for these very interesting articles and findings; about this new world open right  before my eyes of stones and crystals. I am thankful to learn that something I truly appreciate for its beauty and charm also has such healing power. I am thankful for an opportunity to learn a little more about something that up until now was just a mindless and on the surface has such deep and spiritual meaning.        

Rekindling a dream

Day 928 - I am reading a book right now that I like very much "eat, pray, love". It's about a young woman who one the surface lives the American dream, has everything one can wish for except for the fact that she is very unhappy in her marriage and she finally masters the courage to leave. She embarks on an around the world journey to "find herself" and decides to spend 4 months in Italy, 4 months in India and 4 months in Indonesia. It reminds me of my plan when I left home and I never really did that. I had no money and so I had to scratch my plan back than and I never really got back to it even when my circumstances changed. I guess it is so easy to forget the plans and the big dreams and fall into a comfortable and lulling routine. I wonder how long it will take me before I'll take off and go after that dream. The funny thing is that I even checked about going to Italy and learn the language. But even if I'll go today it will be different. I lost some ground and it is 3 years later so the burning need for freedom is not so intense anymore. Still the need for the open road and unpaved path is still there. Reading the book revive it so much and I know it might take me a few years but I"ll do that. I am so happy I found that book, that I've been reminded of that dream and in the mean time I am living vicariously the life of Elizabeth Gilbert.

I am thankful for the reminder this book delivers to my inner self about dreams I didn't fulfill yet and roads I didn't take. I am thankful I do have dreams even if I cannot live them all, it still is a wonderful model to live by, something to aspire to do. I am thankful for hours of joy this book and these thought bring to my life at the moment. I am thankful most of all for my eye sight and for my ability to read.

Room full of incense

Day 927 - I went to a store that sells incenses as well as rocks and other such things. I love these kind of stores. I used to have one not far from where I lived abroad and I visited that place quite often. It's interesting to see how each of them has it's own theme; some specialize in rocks, others in cards, the one I lived by had a strong Buddhist orientation and the one I visited today specializes in incenses. I cannot resist such wonder, I just had to buy some. And so as late as it is right now, I am sitting to my desk and the room is full of that lovely scent and I love it. I bought several kinds since they had such a nice collection, so I can see the differences and really learn which one I like, if I can feel the difference. If not, then I'll go by price next time; if I can distinguish, which I hope is the case, then of course I'll go with what I like most. So a scientific experiment in the middle of the night; I probably would benefit from meditation as well but I'm too tired. Still even just the little burning stick and the fragrances are enough to put me in the right mood.  
  
I am thankful for this little outing that made me so happy. I am thankful to those who first thought of that wonderful invention and to those who thought of introducing it to the masses. I am thankful for little pleasures, so easy to miss and wonderful to have like a quiet evening such as today.     

Turning the wheels

Day 926 - Do you believe in the idea of "the secret", do you believe in setting the wheels of the outside world by moving the wheels inside us? I really do and time after time I see that in action. This is how I moved here, how I found my job, even how I met my boyfriend. I knew what I wanted expressed it with all the conviction it is going to happen and sure enough it appeared in my life. And now for months I am debating about my next move. The wheel inside me is moving up and down and since I am not sure yet I keep looking at this opportunity or that; getting excited about one idea and two days later scratch it for the next one. Today I finally understood nothing will happen until I'll really know what I want; until I will have the burning fire, the conviction. Only then opportunities will start to show up in my life; only then I'll know what to do next. I have some direction but it is not enough. I think the time has come to start going in instead of looking for answers outside. How? by listening to my inner voice, by doing a daily meditation, by taking time off my busy schedule to put myself at the center and not neglect it. When I'll do that I'll reconnect and find my inner truth. I did it before so I know it works; it is time to listen and then let the planet know what I am looking for, what I ask Her to do for me. Once I'll ask the wheels of change will be put into motion and my life, once again, will roll in the right direction.
  
I am thankful for this reminder I got today that all is within my reach if I'll only put my mind to that. I am thankful for being human thus in the center of the creation where all is there for me. I am thankful for a great weekend, for real relaxation and recharging of batteries; I am ready to face the world again and a new week.  

About older parents

Day 925 - My parents stayed here over night. It is the first time they stay at my place since I moved here. I visit them every so often but I just realized they never visit me. In the morning i took them to the train station for their long trip back home. See them walking to the gate it suddenly downed on me how old they are getting and how frail. To see my mom walking so slowly, using a cane to question if she can handle a light bag while walking... Somehow when they are in their own element it's not so obvious how far her health deteriorated, how weak and helpless she is getting. I looked at them as they walked away from me and I realized more then ever before that their life story is getting so close to the end, that our time together is almost over. It's painful to see them like that; I still remember the strong and all mighty parents of my childhood and here they are now moving slowly and with great difficulty and I am the one who is holding their hand; our roles have reversed. It's not that I mind helping them, it's what it means that hit me. I looked at them and my heart filled with so much love so much compassion. They are amazing people and I can only hope to be as good and gracious as they are when I'll reach that age. And I also understand so much more that I have to visit more and invite them here more, because our time together is so scarce and I'll regret later I didn't do more, didn't see more, didn't say more. To live life of no regret mean to call your loved ones every day and tell them how much you love them just in case it is our or their last day. To see then as much as we can for the very same reason and most of all not to waste time on stupid fights instead of loving each other and forgive or better yet, not even see the short coming. not sweating the small stuff. That when the time comes we can say I lived well the time I had on this earth, I spend well the time I had with the important people in my life.

I am thankful my parents finally came here to visit me. I am thankful for every moment I spend with them. I am thankful I came back to this country at the end of their life so we can rehab and rebuild a bridge between us. I pray the time we still have will be spent well.  

An Engagement Party

Day 924 - I just came back from an engagement party of my niece. They are very religious people and so it's so much more meaningful for them. It's a long drive and late at night and all but I am so happy I was able to be there and not miss it as I did when I lived abroad. I enjoyed very much seeing the family and be part of this true celebration. We are so used to modern life with all the indulgence and excess and here it was just  the opposite, it's about making them happy and take part in their joyous moment. All her friends brought cakes and everyone was helping to set the tables and the food not much attention is paid to niceties and to perfection. And I like that, I like this kind of life with not to much time spent on putting on the masks and keeping them on, of trying to impress each other. Simpler life; living on the edge but in a very down-to-earth manner. I am so happy I live here in this country now and I get to be part of these celebrations' yet the price is that I miss so much in my kid's life. What a choice!!
 
I am thankful for this very special evening. I am thankful to my brother's kids for their hospitality, each in his own way. I am thankful I got to be part of this special  evening. It's 2 am right now, and I am so thankful I can go to bed now.