Giving it one more chance

Day 944 - I wrote yesterday how sad and hurt I am and apparently my partner felt the same way; that we are giving up on something worth saving, at least trying to save. And so we are trying to make it work one more time. But I think the shock of an actual brake up that almost broke us up is good for us. It made both of us realize we care too much for each other and we can't really tolerate not being in each other's life; of really losing each other. And now the real test will come. Now that we know how important it is for both of us to succeed, to make it work, can we be smarter. It is a common agreement that we are writing the script of our life and if we don't like it we can always change it. I sure don't like the direction we took, or should I say the detour; now it is up to us to write a different script. and not to fall into the same potholes. I think the important thing is that we broke the cycle by the severe act of breaking up, even if it didn't hold water for more than a few days. Even that was too long and too much. I didn't sleep much nor did he. And now I am so happy and elated, and hopeful again but also so very tired. Long days, very difficult days but I sure hope the storm is behind us. I wrote yesterday something very important - I didn't understand just how much he means to me until I lost him. I am thankful beyond words he felt the same about me. We are also lucky that our egos do not play too big of a role in our relationship and so we can paddle back and we can say it's a mistake and we can say we are sorry; without that we won't be here today. And now comes again the hard part, to build something solid and long lasting out of the ruins. To learn to communicate differently, to count to ten or twenty before answering; in short to get out of the automatic cycle of action and reaction; to be totally present in our life. And I hope that by understanding what we have at stake we will make the extra effort not only to feel certain way but also to act that way.  

I don't think I can be thankful enough that there is hope again for us. I am thankful that despite all the bad things we said there was still room for 'sorry' and for 'let's give it one more chance'. I am thankful our egos are smaller than our love. I am thankful I found a man I love so much that I might actually learn how to live with him in harmony. I am thankful for the challenges, for hope and mostly for love. I am thankful I can go to bed now without crying myself to sleep.