Of parents and children

Day 1233 - I called my son this evening, hoping to catch him on his way to work after two weeks I was not able to reach him. It turned out he lost his phone but more importantly that he is going to an ACL surgery two hours late. I have to admit it's hard to be here on this side of the ocean and not there at this very moment and it also hurts he didn't even think of letting me know all that. As our children are getting older it's a natural process that we grow apart, that we are not so much in each other life. It is the natural way of things and this is how it should be, but still I find it hard to grasp the distance we put between us since I moved away. I love my kids so much but I am so far away and cannot make the trip often enough. I made a choice and these are  the consequences. I keep asking myself if it was the right choice? But as sad as it is I am pretty sure it was. I had to start my life anew and I could not afford to stay in the same area - too expensive for my financial ability. And if I had to start over in a new place at least here it feels like home and not in a foreign land. But the price, the price sometimes is so heavy. Like today, sitting here at midnight thinking about my son going into surgery, the long recovery he is facing and I am here. But as I am re-reading these lines it's clear to me that the most important thing is that he is taking care of his health, something he neglected to do when he was younger. And I am very happy that he really doesn't need me around; it is more my wish to stay in his life and refusal to let go, that a real need on his part for a helping parental hand. I guess it's time to face it - my role in their life is getting smaller as my kids are getting older. Just as my parents' role in mine grew smaller the older I got, well, before they get older and the whole cycle goes the other direction.

I am sad but still thankful; thankful my son is all grown up and doesn't need me anymore, that it is more my refusal to let go than his need for me. I am thankful he is taking mature decisions and responsibilities. I am most thankful I had this urge to call him on a Friday night thus being able to wish him well before his surgery.