Twina - an Ancient Chinese Massage

Day 178 – I talked to a friend of mine yesterday to see if we can meet today for coffee or lunch and she told me that her son, who is studying Chinese medicine, is giving on Fridays free half hour treatment and he needs volunteers to come and get the treatment. So I said that of course I will come and give him a chance to practice. And so this morning I got there and he has this questioner and he is all down to business and I had so much fun to see him like that. The interesting thing was that he asked about injuries and I mentioned my sore shoulder. He did this special Chinese massage “Twina” and I was able to move my shoulder and the pain was almost gone. I told him I am coming next week as well. My friend had the session before and she waited and we went to lunch. As always we had the best of conversation. It is so wonderful to have such a friend we can talk about everything and just enjoy each other’s’ company and wisdom.

I am so thankful for this wonderful friendship that withstood the test of time and now as our lives become more complicated we have even more things to talk about and to try to help each other. I am so thankful for the twina treatment, I thought I am doing something good for someone else, spreading the good vibes, and I found out I am the one who got a favor, I am the lucky one.

Renting my Old Apartment

Day 177 – I moved out of my new apartment before the end of the contract. I was looking for a new place for a long time, so I knew a good place when I saw it and decided to take it and break my old lease. My landlord knew I am looking for a new place and didn’t mind that, as long as I am responsible until I find a new tenant to take over the lease. I couldn’t show it before I moved out – too much of a mess, so I only started publishing it and showing it two weeks ago, and today came a guy, saw the place and decided right away to take it, so as of August 1^st it is rented. I wasn’t too stressed about it, I knew it is a very convenient apartment, a great location and a very good price so I knew I will find someone to rent it, but it is a good feeling to know it is done and I don’t have to take care of it anymore.

I am thankful I found a new tenant to my apartment. It is big step for me and I am happy, very happy and as usual – dead tired as well. But today is Thursday – the best day of the week – I get to wake up without an alarm clock – and I am thankful for that.

Still Unpacking

Day 176 – I am not done unpacking yet. The last few boxes are the most difficult. This is why they were delayed for last. And I had all the empty boxes stacked on the floor, with packaging paper and a box full of plastic wrappings, in short, it was a little messy. So, yesterday evening I loaded all the empty boxes and paper into my car and today, on my way to work, I drove to a recycling center and dumped all that. Suddenly my house looks so much better. And so today in renewed enthusiasm I unpacked 3 more boxes and through about half a box of things I decided to part with. There is more to come, but it is a good first step. I hope that my furniture will come in a day or two and so it will start looking like a home and not a transient place. But even just reducing the stack of boxes makes it look better. It’s been a long time since I had a place that felt like home and I am really looking forward to that. And since my daughter is coming back this coming Saturday, I will try to finish everything by then. Not sure I can, but I will do my best. I can’t wait for her to come back, I miss her so much! So I sure will try to make the place look nice.

I am thankful to be almost at the end of my settling into this apartment, getting to the point where I can call it home. I am thankful the things I find in every box, some of them I welcome like old friends after a long time I didn’t see them – they were in the boxes for more than a year. I am also thankful for all the things I found the courage to through away, little bits of my past and my attachments I am letting go. It was easy to decide about it yesterday and more difficult to actually do it, but I did and I am thankful for that. I will look into the rest of my stuff tomorrow and on Friday and hopefully through away some more.

I have a Dog

Day 175 – my mother-in-law is a very lonely woman. Her husband died 16 years ago and since then she is alone. And she feels really sorry for herself for that. She is full of complains how the whole family does not pay enough attention to her and no one cares, and so on. So I figured she needs a companion and since she refuses to date again I decided that a great gift for her 84^th birthday that is coming in 2 days is a dog. It had to be a tiny and very quiet one, of course since she never had a dog. So when I came back for my trip I went with my daughter to the shelter and we picked up the dog she chose for that purpose few days earlier. So for the last two weeks I have a dog here. And by now I realized that she cannot have this dog, it just pretended to be quiet but it actually a very energetic one, and also she really doesn’t want a dog and it is the kind of present you have to get an approval for ahead of time. And I like the dog very much. So from a really great present idea she became ours, and when I think about it, it is so befitting – my daughter always asked for a dog and my ex always refused to let one be at the house, so now that we need no approval, it is time to get a dog. It is not all peachy of course. She is young and grew up in a shelter so she has no concept of house training. And I have to start teaching her to do her business only outside of the house and not to leave “presents” for me all over the house. So, I am working on training her. When I leave the house for work she has to stay in her training cage until I am back. But I think she starts understanding her commands so hopefully in a few weeks she will be house broken and I will not have to cage her anymore.

I didn’t have a dog at home since I left home (actually, we had a guide puppy, but after few months they decided we don’t discipline him enough and took him away) and it is a lot of fun. It’s a lot of work and this is one more reason I decided to not give her to grandma as a gift, but it is also so much fun.

I am thankful I had this idea of a dog as a present, and I am thankful it didn’t materialize. I am so thankful for this very sweet dog that is now part of our household. I am thankful we rescued her and gave her a loving home. I am thankful for all the joy the dog brings into my life.

About Attachments

Day 174 – I like crafts. I like the feeling of doing something out of nothing, of creating. The problems is that many times I start a project and for one reason or another I put it aside and promptly forget to get back to it and after a while I add it to the growing pile of my “to finish” stuff. As I am unpacking the boxes now in my new apartment, I came across two boxes full of “to finish” stuff. Now I have to make a very courageous decision – to be or not to be for each one of them. It pains me since I love each and every one of them, but I also have to be brutally honest. If I haven’t touched it in 10 years or more, chances are it is not going to happened now. I can give myself some extra time of further testing- is there a chance I will get back to it and if not then toss or donate but get it out of here, but to be perfectly honest, I know the answer already. Jewelry making is a one I know I am going to keep working on it and maybe at some point even try to sell some. But right now I am just enjoying working on it. I even created a nice work station to make it easier to work on it. So this one (and it’s a very big pile) is safe.

 It was nice looking at all these things I did in the past – silk painting, knitting, crochet and so many different projects, but it is all part of things I don’t do anymore. And if I ever want to pick it up again – won’t it be nice to start with a new project and not just try to finish an old one? Won’t it be so much more satisfying. And what about the clutter it creates for no reason?

I am happy there are so many things I like doing, but I think it is time to put everything back in order in my life, including my crafts’ pile. So next week, after I’ll be done with unpacking I will start this most difficult task – letting go of parts of my life that are not needed any more. Getting rid of things can be very cleansing. I know that just looking at these boxes I get this heavy feeling, a burden; a constant reminder of an unfinished business. Finally I get it what it’s really all about – this is an attachment, a silly one at that, and I am going to put an end to that. A welcome side effect will be uncluttering my life so I really can’t find a good argument why not going about this process.

I am thankful I wrote about this issue because now I also understand the real problem, thus the solution. I am thankful for the challenge this move presented to me and I am thankful I am strong enough to raise up to it. I am thankful for all the beauty these activities brought to my life and I am thankful to let go.

Dances on the Beach

Day 173 – all summer long they have folk dancing on the beach every Saturday night. I learned about it two years ago but somehow I never got around to actually go there. Yesterday night I decided that it is about time to check what it’s all about. I have to admit I didn’t expect what I found there – over hundred dancers and about twice as many spectators that most of them stepped in every few dances. It was so beautiful I had tears in my eyes. There was a big revival of folk dancing here in the years since we left and it became almost main stream activity. Hundreds of new dances were created to popular songs and you can see old folks dancing side by side with very young ones. The sad thing was that I loved folk dancing when I was younger and I used to dance it a lot, but I stood and watched the dances for two hours and I didn’t know a single dance (and also most of the songs). Here I almost cry from sadness. I asked myself, suddenly after all these years – what the hell was I thinking, how did I just got up and left and even worse than that – I never looked back. I was sure I will never come back here. What the hell was I thinking? This is who I am, the simple girl with simple dreams, who loves nature and especially the sea, who can cry from a beautiful sunset, a beautiful view, a group of people dancing, or the lyric or the melody of a song. How did I let foreign dreams become mine? I don’t know the answer and for a moment I was very sad I am so disconnected, but then I told myself that this is all in the past. And I am here now and I will catch up as much as I can and will become again part of this wonderful place.

I am thankful for a very special evening of singing and dancing. I am thankful for this eye opening event. I am thankful for this opportunity to learn some very important things about myself. I am thankful I already learned not to dwell om past mistakes but look for present solutions instead.

Friends Like No Others

Day 172 – I went to meet our dearest friends and spent the night at their home. We stayed for a few hours on the beach yesterday night and after we came back to their home we talked late into the night. We woke up this morning and talked some more. Went for coffee and came back and I just had such great time being with them. We know them for almost 30 years. He was with my ex at the military, so for years it was friendship of the families but especially of the guys. But I always loved them dearly. In the past few years, as I started coming here with my youngest daughter for half the summer vacation, we started to develop our own relations, without him. When we came here last summer, almost a year ago they were absolutely amazing, surrounding both of us girls with love and so much care. When my daughter was in the hospital, they were the first ones to come, just few hours after she was released from the ICU into the regular ward. We both love them and when I was away two weeks ago my daughter went to visit them, we both think of them as part of our family. If I am looking for an example what friendship is – this is the utmost example. I will never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for us. But my heart is sure full of love and gratitude to them.

I am thankful for friendship that withstood the test of time and distance and divorce, I keep talking about these friends but they are so dear to me, it brings tears to my eyes just to think about that. I am so, so thankful for this amazing friendship.

Washing My Car

Day 171 – I bought my car few months ago and I didn’t wash it yet. And it really looked awful by now – covered with dust and birds’ little gifts and every day when I see it I tell myself that I have to take it to the car wash. So today when I came back with my dog from a very long walk I decided that I am going to wash it. It is close to a 100˚F and a very high humidity, but nothing could stop me. I live on the 3^rd floor, no elevator and so I had to go down with the bucket full of soapy water and later go up for a bucket of clean water, but my car is shiny and clean and I keep telling myself that at the gym we always sweat, we just take it as part of the experience so this was my workout for today, and I sure did sweat, but my car is clean and shiny and I will not let it get to that point again. I’ll wash it every two weeks or so. Good workout and good for the car as well. I can save on car was and on my gym fees if I’ll keep doing things like that and I really like washing the car!! It’s a win-win situation.

I am leaving town now and will get back only tomorrow – going to spend the night with dear friends of us.

I am thankful for a wonderful day – I had a long walk with my dog, went to visit my mother-in-law, washed my car, got some important tips about training my dog, and now I am leaving to be with good friends. What more one can ask for?! did i mention that I am thankful for having a clean car once again?

I am at Peace

Day 170 – when I rented this apartment my landlord promised to install an extra kitchen cabinet, because there was not enough storage space in the kitchen. Yesterday he called me to let me know it will be installed today and sure enough when I came back from work it was in place. And it looks nice and it adds exactly what I needed. So I started unpacking the kitchen boxes. Two very large boxes and a small one, and all the stuff is nicely organized. So I am not done yet with unpacking – I have to go and buy tomorrow another book case for all the books I still have in boxes, and a few more clothes hangers, but I am getting closer to the end of it and I am very happy about it. I can’t wait for my furniture to arrive so it will actually look like a home. right now the only furniture I have are two beds, two night stands a little coffee table, a desk and two chairs. It’s a very empty place. If I want to just relax I have to lie on my bed or sit in that folding chair. But still, I am very happy I moved into this apartment, it's just feels good and right. So I have to wait a month or two for my furniture, so what. I can do it, I lived with nothing for so long, I can do it for a little longer, and it sure will not put a damp on my happiness.     

I am thankful for the training I got in the past year of living on bare minimum; it’s an important lesson that will go with me for life. I know that no matter what life has in store for me, I can do it and still be happy. My happiness is not attached to material things. It is a way of life I choose to live by. It is something that is coming from me and has nothing to do with the circumstances of the moment. And I will go to sleep tonight with a heart full of thanks.

I am thankful I am healthy and doing well. I am thankful for the peace I found in my life. I am thankful for every day I get up to this wonderful life. I am thankful to be alive. And I am thankful I am here in this wonderful place.

Practicing Loving-Kindness

Day 169 – what if every day of my life I have to do something good, something that is not for my benefit but for someone else, life might take a very different turn. I really cannot give one good reason why not to do that, and I can see so many reasons to do. It is not that I never do good, it is more about awareness, about paying attention to the moment and to make every day count. It can be as small as – I stopped near a crossing and let someone cross the road, or I gave someone the right of way even though it was mine, or I smiled to someone, or I thanked someone… and of course it can be big things but what I am saying the important thing is to get into the habit of thinking how to do good and spread the good around us. It makes the world a better place, even by such small gestures. So at the end of every day I have to count not only my blessings but also my good deeds and if I can think of none, I’ll have to get up and do something good. and one of the things I will be doing is to send a blessing to all my friends and to all the world, to send a positive energy out, because where there’s light darkness has to withdraw. I read a book a long time ago “a path with a heart” and today when I unpacked it I was reminded of the treasures it has to offer. So my meditation tonight will use a mantra from this book, a formula for loving-kindness.

“May I be filled with loving-kindness.

 May I be well.

 May I be peaceful and at ease.

 May I be happy”

It may sound silly, but it is very powerful stuff. So as part of my doing good, I will start practicing loving-kindness.

I am thankful that I can try to do some good in this world. I am thankful for every day that passes in higher awareness. I am thankful for the gifts I got, too numerous to count. I am thankful for this responsibility to find my gifts and use them to the benefit of all men.  

Early Morning on the Beach

Day 168 – I went to the beach this morning at 6am and spent almost an hour there before going to work. What a glorious way to start my day. I was planning to do the same tomorrow, but I am not so sure anymore. It is almost midnight and I just set down to write my blog, didn’t take a shower yet or meditated, I don’t think I can go to sleep before 12:30 am and that’s really optimistic. So, I have to see about waking up that early tomorrow. The reason I am still awake is that I bought a bookcase today and they only delivered it at 10:40pm. And, of course, I had to assemble it and then unpack 2 boxes of books and put them on the shelves, and suddenly it was 11:40pm. But I am very happy I did it, even if the price is going to sleep later than planned. It is so nice to see more boxes go away and even more so, to see my books of the shelves again and everything a little more organized. I love it that I can do all these things on my own. I was always good at it and refused to ever play the damsel in distress, and now it comes so handy. It gives me the feeling of independence and I like that. So, overall it was a very good day. But if I have to choose one thing to be thankful for it is my morning on the beach. I didn’t do it in so long and from now on I will try to do it as often as I can without going crazy. The air was crisp, the beach was almost empty, and the light of that time a day is soft and special. I set there and read my book and looked at the sea and just enjoyed this very special experience of celebrating early morning this way.
I am thankful for an amazing time on the beach, for all the blessing I felt for just showing up. I am thankful I live in this city by the bay and so in 10 minutes I can get to the waterfront. I am thankful for this book again, that planted this idea in my head.  

Bare Foot on the Beach at Sunset

Day 167 – I did wake up early than usual, and it was so great. It set the whole day on a different rhythm. I was not tired at all and I felt like I can do so much. When I came home this evening I decided to go to the beach and take my dog with me, knowing it will be a very special experience for her. We arrived just as the sun in magnificent colors touched the sea. I walked along the beach for almost an hour, watching as the colors get deeper and even more beautiful. The water was very calm and the air fresh and warm – a perfect evening stroll. I felt so happy and at peace. I felt my heart singing. I still don’t have words for it but I am sure it will come. My job right now is to absorb all the beauty and to stay open and alert, to celebrate every special moment like that and look at it with fresh eyes, as if for the last time. It was a great day I kept reading in my book “the monk who sold…”, I went to sleep early, woke up early, saw the end of the sunrise light and the end of the sunset, and I went to the beach. What else can one ask for? – a great day. And I am planning to go to sleep again early. Not as early as yesterday but at 10:15pm I will be in bed, after 10 minutes meditation, and I already set up my alarm clock to 5am. I love it!!  I hope I can keep this schedule, it can do wonders.
I am thankful for a wonderful day. I don’t want it to be the last day of my life – I would love to see my kids and granddaughter before I die, but a great day never the less. I am thankful for a wonderful stroll on the beach, on the edge of the water, bare foot – doesn’t get much better than that. I am thankful that some of the best experiences in life are free – you just have to be present.

The Teacher

Day 166 – I wrote yesterday about my buried heart. I was thinking about it a lot today, especially since I am reading the book “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” by Robin S. Sharma and it suggests that each one of us has to find his/her calling. This is what I set out to do last year and somehow I got caught up in my daily life and started to forget it. I started thinking of what are the things that touch me and I know of two right away - photography and writing poetry I like making jewelry as well but not in the same way. When I started thinking of photography and of writing poetry again I felt a jolt as if my heart started moving again. Bingo. So now I have a goal to go back to my real passion. I take pictures all the time but not as an art form but as a documentation of my life. I want to get back to photography as an art form. The second realization I had is a bit of a cliché, but truth never the less, that love is not only a noun but a verb. If I want to feel love again I have to practice loving, I have to open up, I can start small – loving the world around me, the people around me, everything around me. The more we love the more our capacity for love grows. When we close our heart – our world shrinks. So here I am from today on practicing the bliss gain, just as I felt it when I first arrived here. To open my rams and hug the world to look at everything in fresh and excited eye again. Love and happiness is a practice and if I fail to do that, I lose it. I promised myself not to fall back into routine and I did, I thought that just by writing this blog I can keep e fresh eye, but even that didn’t help. My blogs became heavy and too much of the same. I needed this jump start and I got it by writing about my buried heart and by finding this book. It is not something I didn’t read elsewhere, but the timing was perfect – just when I was losing sight of my goal. I am also practicing, or at least trying, to go to bed early and get up early. I want to start catching these magnificent hours of early dawn when the world just waking up and everything is still fresh and full of potential. So 9:30 pm is my bed time, after 10 minutes of meditation.

I am thankful for the higher powers, divine guidance or just luck – however it might be called, that guided me to this little book and helped me re-ignite my passion, at such an important junction in my life. They say the teacher will show up when the student is ready and I am so ready for more.  I am thankful for this new opportunity to find another angle through which to examine my world and the one around me. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow. I am not ready yet to sell my Ferrari, i also don't have one, but I am ready to start the journey and for that I am so thankful.

A Serious Talk on the Trail

Day 165 – I was so tired yesterday I decided not to go on a full day hike and instead catching up on my sleep. I woke up this morning at 10:30 feeling so great and refreshed. I joined my hiking group for an afternoon hike along the beach and a picnic at the end of the day. I brought up with my friends the regular question – “if you could be 20 again, would you?” and it was interesting to see that 3 out of the 4 said “no”, very typical; so we had a whole discussion about it. The meaning of being 50+ years old women, especially divorced ones. What we gained and what we lost, what we are missing and what we are looking for. It is very clear that each one of us carry her battle’s scars, each one of us had gone through enough in life and we are here trying to figure out what are we looking for in our future, what do we wish for ourselves. The freedom we gained and the independence and the friendships we lost, the lack of intimacy in our lives… a very interesting heart to heart conversation that women can have and we all feel privileged for that. I know for myself, this is part of what I gained this year independence that I am still celebrating every day, and girlfriends like I never had before. Even with my old friends we reached new level of candidness, and closeness we never had before. But I also, like everyone else, carry my scars. I am not ready yet to open up again. I realized that a while ago and it becomes more apparent with every passing week. I buried my heart very deep and I am just not ready yet. Some of my friends said that as soon as they got out of their marriage they were again on the dating circle, ready for rebound. I don’t understand that. I feel it takes time to find myself after so many years I was part of a “we”, after so many years that I didn’t have just my own voice in my head. And I am not ready to lose that again. I got at a very young age into the “we” circle and so I never had a chance to come to full womanhood, and this is my aim, my mission, my quest – to find me, and befriend me, and never lose sight of that again. I don’t believe there is a chance for mature relations if one is not really present. I don’t think I should live one more day of my life without being present. We have so little time on this earth, I can’t just go missing.
I am thankful for a lovely hike today, for a sunset on the beach and for a lovely picnic at the end of it. I am thankful for this heart to heart conversation we girls had on the trail. I am thankful I learned to open up and not be afraid to share my thoughts and even my pain. I am most thankful for the opportunity I had at the second half of my life to find who I am and make peace with me; to connect and stay connected for the rest of my life. 

Loving My New Apartment

Day 164 – I went this morning to look for some furniture for my apartment. I started this on Wednesday, but I wanted to see what’s available and f something strikes my fancy. I was there today for four hours and by the end of it I found what I was looking for. But I wanted to see it in my apartment, now that I know the dimensions, so to make sure it will look ok since there are some serious limitations. I was most concerned about the dining set, since the room is very small, but it seems to be ok. I also realized that the living room set I am looking at will have to change its direction from left to right arm position, so I am very happy I checked. I was thinking a lot today about this act of buying furniture. It is a big statement, and I was not ready to make it for a very long time. When I first came here I didn’t even buy washer or a refrigerator, I was not ready. I preferred to hand wash my cloths than to say I am here to stay. In less than three weeks I will celebrate the first anniversary to my move here and what better way I can do it then by saying, after a year I feel like it is not a fluke, I feel I belong here, I feel at home. This evening after I came back from a free event to celebrate the Sabbath with singing and dancing and a special performance by a great female performer, well known, but the show was not anything like the one I saw yesterday, I continued to assemble my bed and then I decided to take the evening off. I discontinue my work, made dinner and now I am sitting on the only chair I have here, with feet on the very simple coffee table I bought last year (will upgrade it now), I put on music and I am typing away, the plan is after I am done writing to start reading the book I bought today at a used books dealer; I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the Sabbath, a better way to say – I am happy and content. I am at peace. I love this new apartment, it radiates warmth and comfort and I respond by relaxing into it. It felt right from the moment we stepped in and I am so happy it keeps feeling like that. Now I just hope to get soon the living room set I didn’t even order yet, so it will be even nicer and more like home.

I am thankful to my friend who convinced me to go to the Sabbath celebration today, I had a good time and I am glad I went. I am thankful I bumped today at the event into the same friend I went to the concert yesterday – it was a nice surprise. I am thankful I am doing things with more awareness – it is not just buying furniture – it’s a statement and an anchor I put into the turbulent water in an attempt to stabilize my life, to give them meaning. I am thankful for a work free evening; it is so great to take a break, even if a short one. I am thankful, so thankful for moving here and enjoying it so much. I am thankful for this apartment.