A Serious Talk on the Trail

Day 165 – I was so tired yesterday I decided not to go on a full day hike and instead catching up on my sleep. I woke up this morning at 10:30 feeling so great and refreshed. I joined my hiking group for an afternoon hike along the beach and a picnic at the end of the day. I brought up with my friends the regular question – “if you could be 20 again, would you?” and it was interesting to see that 3 out of the 4 said “no”, very typical; so we had a whole discussion about it. The meaning of being 50+ years old women, especially divorced ones. What we gained and what we lost, what we are missing and what we are looking for. It is very clear that each one of us carry her battle’s scars, each one of us had gone through enough in life and we are here trying to figure out what are we looking for in our future, what do we wish for ourselves. The freedom we gained and the independence and the friendships we lost, the lack of intimacy in our lives… a very interesting heart to heart conversation that women can have and we all feel privileged for that. I know for myself, this is part of what I gained this year independence that I am still celebrating every day, and girlfriends like I never had before. Even with my old friends we reached new level of candidness, and closeness we never had before. But I also, like everyone else, carry my scars. I am not ready yet to open up again. I realized that a while ago and it becomes more apparent with every passing week. I buried my heart very deep and I am just not ready yet. Some of my friends said that as soon as they got out of their marriage they were again on the dating circle, ready for rebound. I don’t understand that. I feel it takes time to find myself after so many years I was part of a “we”, after so many years that I didn’t have just my own voice in my head. And I am not ready to lose that again. I got at a very young age into the “we” circle and so I never had a chance to come to full womanhood, and this is my aim, my mission, my quest – to find me, and befriend me, and never lose sight of that again. I don’t believe there is a chance for mature relations if one is not really present. I don’t think I should live one more day of my life without being present. We have so little time on this earth, I can’t just go missing.
I am thankful for a lovely hike today, for a sunset on the beach and for a lovely picnic at the end of it. I am thankful for this heart to heart conversation we girls had on the trail. I am thankful I learned to open up and not be afraid to share my thoughts and even my pain. I am most thankful for the opportunity I had at the second half of my life to find who I am and make peace with me; to connect and stay connected for the rest of my life.