Distortion

 

Day 184 - I arrived very, very early to work today, so by 1pm I was already done for the day. I drove with my daughter to the beach and we stayed there for a few hours, we went home later and took a beauty nap (more like a 2 hours’ sleep, actually) and we went out in the evening. We set in a café for almost 3 hours and had a very long and difficult talk, about life and choices we make, about parenting and responsibilities. The roles we play and the things we do every day, not even realizing their long term effects, the pain that a disfunctional family puts on its members, especially the kids. It was a very serious, painful at times but very sincere and very important talk. It is interesting to look back at the world we lived in for so long, to understand how things deteriorated without us noticing, very slowly day by day they sneeked up on us.  It is so easy to look back and see where I made mistakes, to look and say “I wish I did” this or that but I didn’t see it at the time, and I made mistakes. But I truly believe that mistakes are the building blocks of our lives. This is how we learn, how we grow-up. Mistakes are the opportunity to re-evaluate our priorities and re-adjust. Mistakes put everything in prospective. And I made so many mistakes. Some of them it took me years to get the full message, but I have a life time to learn and I am patient, I will figure it all out. I just wish I could prevent the pain some of them have caused, but that was someone else’s opportunity to grow up, to learn, so I guess I will have to accept that and not beat myself up for it, besides, I can change nothing it is all in the past. I can only acknowledge it, and make sure it will never happen again.

I am thankful for a day that felt like a holiday in the middle of the week, I had such a good time. I am thankful for a very somber and eye opening conversation. I am hurt by some of the things I realized but I am very thankful for that; pain is part of growing up and opening up. I am thankful for my daughter’s courage and her strength. I am thankful for every mistake I ever did, it what brought me to where I am today. It brought me so many presents and it will keep doing it, I am sure.  And more than at any time, I am so thankful we are here and that a year later we are in such a better place. We changed the scene and thus our reality. Only as time passes I understand how crucial it was.