Day 635 - Few months after moving here I joined a singing troupe and had a lot of fun and than I flew to see my new granddaughter and was too busy upon my return to get back to the group, and I started the Tour Guides class so I postponed it for a year in my mind. you can imagine my shock when I found out two or three months later that our teacher passed away at the age of 54 from heart failure. but few months later they found a new teacher and I kept hearing from my friends how wonderful the class is and the he managed to bring them back together and create something great out of this tragedy. I promised my friends that once I am done with the tour guides class and the new year will start - I'll join the group and so I did. Today was the first meeting and I have to admit that it is a love at first sight (note). The teacher is absolutely amazing and he brings so much energy to the group, he has very interesting arrangements and it was an amazing experience. I am sold! I had so much fun and the energy was exploding, we ended it after two hours with so much joy and the feeling we did something great. I told my friends there that I am in. I just love it. the music selection but mostly his warm personality, his love of music are contagious and this is why it was so great. When you do something with all your heart it shows and it is passed on to the people around. I love singing and now I found my place to do that. I am so happy I decided to try. 
Day 634 - I was trying to keep myself busy so I won't have time to dwell on my heart ache, but comes the time when the house is suddenly empty and I have no choice but to face it. And now is such time and it's so damn difficult. I so didn't want this relationship to end, I so wanted to give it more time, make it work. I know he is not right for me in so many ways yet I love him so much; he is such a great guy just in a very bad place in his life. I know all his short comings and I love him despite all that, I love him for who he is; plain and simple. And more than that I know and he knows how much he loves me and this is the main reason he is running away; I entered a place that is too dangerous as far as he's concerned and all the warning lights started flashing. I know he might never find anyone he'll love more and he knows that too, but he is so afraid to open up and get hurt again and nothing I say can change that. He prefers to run away from something so good than risk staying; he prefers never to stop long enough to feel again. And I got caught in this crossfire; I entered a mine field without realizing it until it was too late. Here I am with such a heart ache, knowing we could have worked so well together but sadly have to let him go; let him fade into a painful memory. Here I am sitting home alone on a Saturday night pouring my heart into a cold page somewhere on cyberspace, alone and missing him terribly; happy to be alone so I can have a moment to dwell on all this, to wallow in pain and sorrow. One moment of weakness is OK after three months of so much happiness, of so many good moments, of dreams that will never come true. Only few days passed so the pain is still so fresh and sharp. I know I'll be OK but I hate so much this goodbye; I so wish, even now, for a different ending to this story. 
Day 633 - The oldest daughter of our very best friends here is getting married in less than two weeks and today they had a shower for her. I know the girl since she was born, she is actually called after me, just because her parents loved my name so much, and my youngest daughter knows her all her life. We feel like we are family, that her parents are the surrogate parents of my daughter, and we love this family dearly. So it was such a special afternoon for the both of us to be there with them at this special hour, to know they also include us in their most intimate circle, to get to know their friends since we were disconnected from them all for so many years. We look at this wonderful family and it gives us hope that there is such a thing as love and good marriage, gives us hope that maybe one day my daughter will find the right man and settle down with him and they will be able to live happily ever after and not like her parent wake up one day and find out that the dream was gone. It makes us believe again in fairy tales, and wish for a dream to come true. I makes even me hope that one day I will be able to find a man that will love me and cherish our time together till the end of our days... 
Day 631 - I am not going to write about the man I am dating, was dating, wish I could still be dating... I am not going to write about that. It's too close, and painful and confusing. But today was also the day I signed the contract to buy an income producing property, the first one I am buying on my own, the first one I am buying here in my country and it is a very big and important step. I have a real estate license in the country I came from; I bought and sold many properties. I managed rentals, and tenants and constructions; so I am not new to the field. But I had a back up. I had a husband who earned enough and wealth to back me up. Things are very different now. I am the sole provider, my salary is much smaller and I am doing it in a different country, not totally in the game yet. So Now is the time for me to learn about mortgages here and how it work, how the whole real estate market works here. I am new and inexperienced but I think the seller, who is my friend, is a very honest guy and that I am making a good business decision. I signed the contract today and as soon as I get the mortgage I will get the place. It is already rented for the next 2 years so it is an easy way to get into the business. I hope that in the near future I will get more money from my ex and that I will be able to buy one more such property and a house to live. If I can buy one or two more properties I will have and income enough to support me after I'll retire and this is what I aim to do. I don't have a retirement fund because of all the moving so this will serve as such. It makes me so happy to get back in the game.
Day 630 - sometimes I so want something to happen that I try to avoid the facts in front of me. I don't think I am the only one doing it but it really doesn't matter, it doesn't make it right just because others are using the same practice. I know for quite some time already that this relationship with the man I am seeing is not going to work, I know I don't get from it what I need and deserve, but I really like him and so for weeks on end I am piling excuses in order not to put an end to it. Even when I did last week, it took one act of kindness to blur it all again for me and let me keep the illusion a little longer that maybe things will change, that maybe he is just this or that. But what it really is that he is a great guy, there is no doubt about that, but this is not going to work; I need more and I deserve more and he cannot give me that. It is a very sad realization for me; for so long I was hoping and dreaming but this did not change the reality, just made me blind to it. We met this evening and after about an hour it was crystal clear to me - this is IT, things will never change - am I ready to settle for that? and my answer was finally NO; I just got up and left. I finally got the clarity and from that the strength to accept that which cannot be changed and declare it is not enough for me and leave the stage. I am sad, of course, he is such a great guy and I know that there was such a great potential here, but the stars did not align, our timing was off, what ever the reason is - it didn't happen. So, one more break-up, one more heart ache; the life of a single woman that chose to leave all behind and believe in second chances, in fairy tale ending, in dreams. But through it all, I learn so much about myself, I get all those wonderful gifts and I still believe that one day I will find my prince, I just have to be patient and keep kissing frogs.
Day 629 - we spent a quiet day at home after the intense day yesterday. We talked, watched a movie, talked all thing we can do at home in our PJ without moving too much. At the evening one of my friends from the Tour Guides class called and asked if I want to go with her to visit another friend from the same class. these are the same friends I went to dance with on Friday and two of the people who were in my party yesterday, so I did. We spent few hours there and it was very nice. Another friend from the course also joined us later on. Apparently they were meeting regularly during the past few months and form some reason they decided to add me to the group. I felt a little uneasy to realize how little attention I paid to all my friends during the class. I came to study and not really to make friends where as they did both. I really like them and I am happy I get a chance to get to know them better now. It is just so strange for me to join the group now when they are so united and have so many stories and memories they share, how oblivious I was to all this. So this evening was an eye opener for me; to learn their personal stories, the dramas of the past few months and to take new strides together in a road I hope will be shared for a long time, friendships in the making.
Day 625 - I am getting tired of being alone on the holidays and I thought of inviting my friends over - kind of "let be alone together". I talked to a few and got great feedback, I guess I am not the only one in this position, so it is set - this coming Sunday is going to be my first party at home since I moved here a little over two years ago. I am very excited about it. I used to throw parties and entertain a lot and it is something I really liked doing, so I missed it and I really don't understand why it took me so long to realize that nothing prevents me from doing it, I just have to decide; and finally I did. I have to admit I am a little rusty, it took me few trials until I got the food assignment down, but overall it's something you just don't forget, like riding bicycles. So here we are with about 10 people already RSVP, about the capacity of my entertainment ability, any more and I'll have to borrow chairs. It's going to be interesting mix of people from all the different facets of my life - few from my hiking group, few from my painting class, few from my tour guides class and maybe even my MF, not sure yet; he doesn't want to commit and I am fine either way. I find it very interesting that each one of us, or at least most of us, have so many different facets, like a precious diamond, and we meet in each of these activities people that are doing other things as well, so we might be very different people that just happen to have one hobby or interest in common. I don't really know how all the mix will work together, but I love them all so I really hope they will.
Day 624 - After two days at the conference and a long day at work with a very late visit, I am back home. I thought I would like to go out, I even tried to convince a friend to go with me but I came home and didn't feel like leaving again. It's good to be home and relax after few such intense days; to let the overdrive I was in to wash off and allow for some quiet and calm to replace it. I filed papers that where shoved into all different hiding spots, I took care of some bills, of some things on my errands list, in short, I let the routine take over, I try to get back to normal mode. I love my job - the constant changes, the meeting of new people all the time, a conference, some networking but it is very draining and it is so wonderful I have some lull time now to recharge, especially that it came on the tail of my race to finish the project, so really a very intense month. So at the end of a long day and a long week and a long month I really do appreciate some alone time at home, the blessed routine. 
Day 622 - I had an ugly fight with my ex today via emails. All while I am working at the conference. His behavior left me stunned. It never fails to amaze me how some people behave when money is at stake. I am appalled by his reacting. For a few minutes I wanted to send this chain of emails to my kids so they'll know who their father is but then I thought better of it. Still, a friend called me few minutes after it happened and I told him some of the story and used words I never used in my life. I am so thankful I got out of this mad house, out of this marriage!! I thought no one can make me upset anymore, but that man has some cruelty in him that is beyond me.
