It's painful

Day 634 - I was trying to keep myself busy so I won't have time to dwell on my heart ache, but comes the time when the house is suddenly empty and I have no choice but to face it. And now is such time and it's so damn difficult. I so didn't want this relationship to end, I so wanted to give it more time, make it work. I know he is not right for me in so many ways yet I love him so much; he is such a great guy just in a very bad place in his life. I know all his short comings and I love him despite all that, I love him for who he is; plain and simple. And more than that I know and he knows how much he loves me and this is the main reason he is running away; I entered a place that is too dangerous as far as he's concerned and all the warning lights started flashing. I know he might never find anyone he'll love more and he knows that too, but he is so afraid to open up and get hurt again and nothing I say can change that. He prefers to run away from something so good than risk staying; he prefers never to stop long enough to feel again. And I got caught in this crossfire; I entered a mine field without realizing it until it was too late. Here I am with such a heart ache, knowing we could have worked so well together but sadly have to let him go; let him fade into a painful memory. Here I am sitting home alone on a Saturday night pouring my heart into a cold page somewhere on cyberspace, alone and missing him terribly; happy to be alone so I can have a moment to dwell on all this, to wallow in pain and sorrow. One moment of weakness is OK after three months of so much happiness, of so many good moments, of dreams that will never come true. Only few days passed so the pain is still so fresh and sharp. I know I'll be OK but I hate so much this goodbye; I so wish, even now, for a different ending to this story. 
  
I am thankful for the past three months that were so wonderful and full of love. I am thankful for this love that made me blossom so much. I am thankful I met him even when I know the end of the story; I would not miss a day of that. I am thankful for loved ones who were here by my side helping me even if they didn't know of all that; it was just too painful for me to talk about it, but their presence helpful and so healing. I am thankful for another day that will make the burden a little easier to bare.