My Father

Day 650 - My father lives in another country and I rarely see him. It's a sad story of a broken family that tore us apart. For years we were totally disconnected and except for a few months we were never close. But time is passing and he is 83 years old now and he is finally realizing that time is running out very fast. Few months ago he contacted me saying that they will be here for a short visit and maybe I can join them for a few days. That didn't work out, like so many times in the past, but I got a phone call yesterday that he and his wife are going to be here in my city for the next two days. Today at the evening they called again saying they are in town already, staying with her relatives very close to my house , checking if I can join them. I drove there right away, straight from work, and spent a nice evening with them. It was interesting to see that for the first time he is actually seeking my company. We drove to the restaurant and he chose to drive with me and not with his wife and her relatives. And when they made plans for a full day tomorrow he said he'll stay home so we can spend some time together and when my daughter comes, she'll join us too. It's something so small but he never did that before. He always followed his wife even if he didn't like that and it's interesting to see the change. It was sad for me to see how much he aged in the past three years since I last saw him. He is shorter now and more frail. Still traveling and still doing a lot but time has taken its toll on him. From what I heard from my half sister he is also loosing his memory so I am very happy I get to see him now and I can only hope I will have few more chances to see him. We were never close but now as we are nearing the end and our last few chances to actually bond I don't want to miss that. I am sad and I will always have this feeling of missing out, of relationship that was never actually real. It is my father, even if I never lived with him, a father so removed from my life that at times I felt like an orphan, and my heart is heavy for this unrealized potential. For something that should have, could have and never really was. For always thinking tomorrow until one day almost all the tomorrows are gone; and now at the end of the road we are trying without saying that to do what we neglected to do for so many years; and it is so sad that it's almost breaking my heart. But I am happy that at least now, for one fleeting moment we can do that and maybe give each other something real, maybe love each other for the first time. 
   
I am thankful that he is here. I am thankful that he mastered the courage to actually spend time with me. I am thankful he is still OK and we can talk and spend some quality time together. I am thankful for my heart ache, it makes me realize I care much more than I thought I do; that despite our bad and painful history at the end of the day he is my father and I love him. I am thankful I got the opportunity to realize that before it's too late and for one moment when we meet maybe for the last time, it will be from the right place, from my heart.