Stop and Smell the Flowers

Day 133 – there was a lot of talk about the event yesterday. Even before it’s over we start to hear criticism and remarks. It is human nature, I know, but I feel that we have to learn to control it and for just one moment enjoy what we have accomplished before we tear it apart. If we are too critical, we don’t encourage people to take risks, we don’t encourage creativity. We cannot come and say how bad things are, but instead sit back for a moment, enjoy the huge achievement done by so few very dedicated people they worked like crazy for months, and especially in the past month. We will never be happy if we cannot stop and celebrate achievements, if we cannot find the good in everything. I am not saying that we should not strive to get better, or that there is no place for improvements, on the contrary, I already wrote yesterday that there are things to learn from this experience, but not today, not even tomorrow, let’s do it next week and today, let toast to all those who made it happened. Let’s toast to all the thinking and the hard work and the endless work that went into creating such an event. Let the vultures go away, and learn to enjoy things. We are saying the same things – there is room for improvements, it is just the way things are being said and most of all – the timing. And timing is everything

I am thankful today that this annual event is over, and I can finally rest tonight and tomorrow.  I never did anything like this before and I enjoy it very much. I am thankful I could take part in such monumental event. And I am thankful I learned to step back and enjoy things and not just criticize, it makes for much happier and positive attitude.

Soo Tired

Day 132 – finally, after months of preparations the big event I was taking about stared today. The day went very well. We had many guests and it is going very well, so far. We had today a tour of different departments at the hospital. At night we had a very elaborate gala dinner. It was very well done and very touching but few small things overshadowed it. First it was a great program but too long, especially considering the fact that it is the middle of the week and people have work tomorrow. And the more important one is that it was planned as an outdoors event – a garden setting – and it was cold and as the night progressed it became colder and colder. To the point the people just left or went inside. We will have to do some serious thinking and draw the right conclusion from this event and apply it to next year event. But I am dead tires and I have to be back at work in five hours, so I am going to sleep now and will write more tomorrow.

 I am thankful that I can go to sleep now. I am so very  tired that I fell asleep while talking with my daughter on the phone. Sometimes just to going  to sleep is something to be thankful for.

I am a Grandmother!!

Day 131 –In the past week or so I was going to bed every night making sure the phone is on, in case “the call” will come in the middle of the night. Tonight, I finally got the call very early this morning, around 3 am my time that the water broke and contractions started, but they are still staying at home. Two or three hours later my daughter called again that they are in the hospital. And few hours later, it was time to congratulate the new parents for the birth of this beautiful girl. It is so strange and sad to be so far away when the most important moment in my daughter’s life had come, but this is the life I chose and it means that I will celebrate many such occasions from far away. I can look at it and say how sad it is but today is a very special day and I am not going to spoil it in anyway, I will not bring my own heartaches into the midst of the party.  Today, May 29^th my daughter became a mother, my husband and I became grandparents, each one of us on another continent, but still, we are both grandparents for this sweet baby and in reverse role. He, who used to be such an absentee father, was there all the way even present at the room for most of the delivery, and I, who used to be a stay home and always present mom, is the one who is the absentee grandmother.  Right now I want to say only one thing – O My God, I am a grandma!!! My daughter and her wife are mothers to a tiny little girl. Another miracle happened in this world.

How thankful I am to new technologies that enable these two young women to have a child of their own. I am thankful that we live in time and age when this kind of family is acceptable and will not feel different and unwanted. I am thankful for this miracle child, at times when so many children are not wanted, this girl will always know how much they wanted her and what they had to go through to have her. I am thankful today to be a grandmother for the first time. I know I will have many more grandchildren, but this is my first one and so it is very special time. OMG – I am a grandma!!!

Shanty in the Desert

Day 130 –I woke up this morning very early and there was a sound I could not recognize at first. After a few seconds I realized it was rain and the faint smell of wet soil came in as well. This is unbelievable! A rain in the desert in late May!!  It rained until I fell asleep again. When I woke up again two hours later, it was dry again. I stayed in the “living room” area of the tent, where we ate the night before, drank some tea gain, talked for a while with the father of my daughter’s friend and just enjoyed a relaxed morning. After the kids woke up and we finished breakfast, they had to leave and we (me and the two girls) decided to go on a hike. We went into the desert, walked the dry bed of a creek, climbed some serious hills, and rocks, found some fossils and two hours later very sweaty and happy we got back in the car and drove to my parents’ home. I wrote about the memoir book I am trying to finish for my dad, so I prepared a few questions ahead of time and I set with him and asked all those questions, got some interesting answers and never before heard stories and recorded it all so I can transcribe it later at home. I think this idea might actually work. I get new stories, and I get more details so I can make old stories more alive. We have 35 pages right now, I want to get to around 100 and then call it a done project. We stayed at my parents’ home for a few hours and then we started the long drive back home, dropping off the friend at her grandparents’ house.

We came back so dirty from our little adventure in the desert, and very tired. It was good to take a long shower and be clean again. So, even with simple way of life I will opt for a shower, always. But so many other things in our daily life are so good to part with, at least every once in a while. It was such a wonderful and relaxing weekend, meditative in a way, since it is all just about now, about being in the present, with very few distractions. I enjoyed this weekend very much and I have to do it more often. I know that not far from there someone opened a retreat center, where you can stay for a few days or even longer. I have to check about that and come for a long weekend. It can be a very special weekend; a desert spiritual experience.

I am thankful for a wonderful weekend. I am thankful for a very relaxing time ahead of this coming week that will be extremely busy with work. I am thankful that I also got to see my parents and pick up few more stories. I am thankful that I got to enjoy one more weekend with my daughter, something I don’t take for granted and cherish every moment of it. 

A Magical Night in the Desert

Day 129 –I will not be able to post this entry today, since we are in an no internet tonight, so it will be posted tomorrow upon my return and here is the story:   my hiking group had the idea to travel this Friday (today )to the desert, few hours away from where I live, and have an whole night event of campout with songs and dances as part of a big happening that takes place there once a year. The location of that event is like an hour away from where my parents live so I figured that on Saturday morning when the event is over, I’ll drive to my parents and stay there for a few hours before heading back north. My daughter was to come with me and she invited one of her friends to join us. And then I started thinking – maybe instead of going to the event we will go and spend the night in a tent of nomads that we visited several times before only for lunch and we always thought is can be so cool to spend the night there. And this is what we did. We drove this afternoon all the way to the desert. It was a long drive, but the girls where in very good spirit and it was much fun.  One more of my daughter friends and his father, who came here for a short visit, decided to joined us and we met them half way there and we drove all the way to the campsite. By the time we arrived there it was 7:30pm and we were hungry, so we took a short hike just to see a little of the desert before it got too dark and we headed back to camp. Then set in the tent on carpets and cushions next to very low tables and ate, and drank a lot of tea as is customary there and just talked and laughed. Later we went out for some stargazing. It is so beautiful – very dark night with no moon and almost no light contamination and we could see so many stars, so many we can’t recognize. But it so great to do that, just look at the dark sky and recognize how little we are how huge is the universe around us, and how beautiful it all is. It always amazes me, every time I go camping, how little we actually need in order to be happy. How much we burden ourselves and our lives with things we don’t need. I love the simple way of living. Not as basic as a tent and a mattress, but I love simplicity, it brings such a relaxation and calm.  

I am thankful for a great idea to campout in this beautiful and so relaxing place. I am thankful for my daughter and her friends who joined this adventure and made it so much better, for friendship and companionship. I am thankful for being here in this wonderful country and for the opportunities it offers. I am thankful for a magical night in the desert.

Tracks Watch

Day 128 – two years ago a kid in my daughter’s grade committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. A seventeen years old boy who in one moment lost his life, a family ruined forever. It is sad beyond comprehension. This suicide started a new “trend” in our town. A month, to the day after that boy died another teen, this time an 18 year old girl jumped in front of a train, at the same crossing. She was already been accepted to college and two weeks before high school graduation. Two months later another kid tried to jump and his mother caught him and fought with him, a stranger who passed by help her and they forced the kid off the tracks.
This phenomenon of several suicides at the same place and method within a very short period,  is called “cluster suicide”. And at that point, we as parents, realized what we are facing, and decided to put an end to it. We formed a group of volunteers and we just set there near the crossing and guarded it. To make sure that no more kids will jump. We set there until the last train passed at 1am, in two hours watches day and night, through the very cold winter. Many people who pass by honk to encourage us, or thank us. People brought hot drinks sometimes or just stopped and chat. We brought awareness, we brought the subject to the forefront and we sent a very clear message. Our children’s lives are so dear to us that we are ready to do whatever it takes to stop the madness. We are ready to lose sleep and comfort, we are willing to brave the elements and we will do whatever it takes to make sure they are safe. It was a campaign by very few people but it did what we set up to do. It stopped the cycle. After few months that we guarded the tracks the city authorities were embarrassed and decided to take over. They hired a security company and the tracks on that crossing are still guarded to this day. We will never know how many lives we have saved by that simple act of love, but I am so proud to have been part of that group. I am so happy we understood what it takes sometimes in fight to prevent acts of desperations.

Sadly I was reminded of this storytoday by a story of another suicide story that I just heard. Another 18 years old girl who decided to end her life. I have no words to express who much it pains me even though I never knew that girl. Too many such stories are coming our way. As my daughter just said – here everyone knows someone who got injured in the army (mostly in training) there, where we came from, everyone knows someone who committed suicide. How very sad, what an awful waste.

I am thankful for every precious life we managed to save, for those whom were actually stopped on the tracks and for who knows how many more who decided not to try. I feel privileged to be part of that special group. I am thankful we managed to convince enough people to admit their fear and take a stand to try to prevent these unbearable acts of desperation. I hope time brought some relieve to the kids and pointed them in a new direction.

Making Mistakes

Day 127 - I had to organize a lot of things under pressure, and it was the first time I did it all alone. It was also the first time I did it in 5 months, so it was a learning experience. I made some mistakes and two people got upset that i scheduled something with them for the group and never showed-up. I am not going to get into the argument whether it was accurate or not, because this is not what I want to talk about today. It was the fact that I did something and it was presented as not a perfect? It is about the fact that these two individuals got upset and lashed at me, and cc’d the whole world to that e-mail, and it is more than anything else about the fact that I was OK with it. My first reaction was to justify myself. I looked for the right emails to prove my point, that I was right. And then I realized how not important it is. So someone was angry - so what?! I just said I am sorry and that's it. So something did not work as well as it should - so what? I did the best I could and it makes me happy. I am happy "to sign my name to it". I'll just learn a few more things for next time. I would be upset if I was doing half ass job, but as long as I kept my integrity, as long as I gave it all, I go to sleep with a clear mind and a happy heart. This is such a huge change from the old me who could not take criticism without holding back tears. And I would have never let a false accusation pass, but now I just don’t care and I think to myself – she understood this way, so it is not important what was the “truth”, they suffered inconvenience and they did a lot of work for nothing, it will be nice to apologize, even if I feel I am in the right. I did a lot of growing up this past year.

I am thankful for this realization of new strength and assertiveness. I am thankful for receiving the chance to try new things, and for the chances to fail and to learn from my mistakes. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow.

Being a Workoholic

Day 126 – I am very happy to report that I did, indeed, went to sleep early. Not as early as I thought, but I was asleep before 11pm. And it is very good I did that. Today I got to work at 6:30am and left at 9:15pm. It is crazy at work for few more days and after the Summit, we will get back to a more normal schedule, but until than we are all doing whatever we can to help. I am taking care of all the visits to our hospital right now. And we have a lot. No one can help me prepare stuff, since everyone is working, so I had to stay late and finish it all, since the first visit tomorrow is early and it’s a very large group. The truth is that I enjoy very much the fast pace, the thinking and the planning and all the busy work as well. It is really fun for me to be overloaded and to have to take care of so many things at once. I like it that before I know it, it is time to eat lunch, and next time I lift my head it is time to go home, I like it much better than slow days that nothing really happen, so I know I have to find a way to incorporate more action into my daily work. But I also know, that I will not allow myself to fall into the trap. I had to live in that environment for too many years, so I know its destructive power, I know how addicting it is and I just refuse to budge. I refuse to play that game. I want my life to be full of many things and not only work. I don’t touch emails on the weekend and rarely at home in the evenings, only with a very good reason. I am happy I was exposed to that and thus learned from it without having to pay for it with everything dear to me. I made a resolution that I will never put work before the people that are really important to me, before activities that are as well. And I promised that I will not work on weekend only on very specific occasions, and if these occasions are starting to look too much like a routine, then I have to re-evaluate what I am doing. I am determined to stay this way.

I am thankful I could learn, second hand, what the price of addiction is, and that I didn’t have to be the addict myself. I am thankful that I am in a position (and the wisdom) to decide not to become an addict. I am thankful for a very busy week, that was very enjoyable and very intense, but on the same time, I am very happy it is not like that every day but very seldom. I am happy I can go to sleep now, not as early as yesterday, but still, I’ll make it to bed before midnight, since I have another day like that tomorrow. 

Early Bed Time

Day 125 – I wake up every morning very early, and being a late owl, I also go to sleep very late. So I am always sleep deprived. Problem is that once the clock hits midnight, I get a second wind, in the last few nights I didn’t go to sleep before 2am every night. This evening after a very long and hectic day at work we went out to see an apartment (not a good one, needs a lot of TLC which is OK if I buy it but not as a rental), we decided not to go out to a café as we often do, but instead go back home and try to make it to bed by 10pm. Not sure it will be that early, I am still writing and I still have to take a shower, but it will be very early, no matter what. We might still watch a movie before going to sleep or we might crash while watching it, but it is so nice to have a very relaxed and chill evening after such a feverish day. Don’t get me wrong, I love that pace. I like it so much more then when things are slow. The days go by so fast, and I like the challenge. But I don’t want every day to be like that. I don’t want to become an “adrenaline junky”.  And I want to have a life that is not only work, and days like that don’t leave room for much else. So here I am done writing at 9:50 pm and who knows, maybe in 20 minutes I’ll be asleep…
I am thankful for a very interesting day at work today, very busy but also very interesting. I am thankful that I also have days that are not like that. I am thankful I can switch between the two and enjoy both worlds. I am thankful for the promise of early bed time. I’ll report tomorrow if it actually happened.   

At the End of the Rainbow

Day 124 – as usual, after a busy weekend, it is good to have a little quieter day, just worked nothing else. And work, even if busy is not as tiring as a day full of hiking in the sun, even though, I have to admit, it is also not as much fun. But as usual, the ebbs and flows of life are what make it so exciting. We are all thrilled when it is all fun, or rosy, or any other kind of “high” feeling and we all dislike or even try to avoid the feeling of the receding tide, of the low, the “falling out” or falling down. I am writing about it every few weeks, since I always come back to that point. If I had a great weekend, the next day or two will feel slow and boring in a way. I am always ready to have more fun and do something, but I think that almost as much I like the slow days. This is what gives color to life. This is what makes the fun days so special. Even an chocolate, if I’ll eat it all the time, I might learn to hate, or at least I won’t fully appreciate it. Scarcity is what makes things shine. Against a very colorful background a flower will not stand out, but put against a little more dull background and it will shine. I am writing it and all these religious figures jump to mind, talking about not living a life of excess. So let me clarify, I think there is a big difference between not living life of excess and abstinence. One suggests moderation, whereas the other suggests self-punishment and I am never against self-flagellation. But I am also not a fan of having too much, of doing too much too big, of excess.  At least as it relates to money and to stuff, I am definitely not, and never will be preaching that. The borders are a little more blurry when it comes to doing things, but the truth is it might be an excess as compared to some of my less active friends, but it’s really not excess. Going for a moderate hike, even once a week is not excessive. Ditto for going skydiving for the first time in my life at the age of 53. Maybe this is the secret to a happy life. Do things that I like, but not overdo it and take the time to enjoy each one of them individually, separate up times from each other and allow each one of them to stand alone, to shine. Reading what I just wrote, it made me realize how good it was that I decided not to go on a two-year vacation somewhere in the world. I will get to enjoy shorter vacations so much more because of their scarcity.
I am thankful to the “down’ time in my week, my month my year that dull some of the color from background so I can re-draw, gives me the opportunity to have such great life. I am thankful to the “up” times, for the color and the joy they bring to my daily life. For the richness and complexion they add. I am thankful for the constant shift between the two stages, and that I am a very healthy person and so I can easily ride both and enjoy both, and now even more so. I am thankful for this realization, and that from now on I will actually wait for the slow days at the end of the rainbow.   

Late Spring Hike

Day 123 - Today I went with my hiking group on a long and a little more challenging trail. It is also late spring by now, and so it was also very hot and we walked most of it in the sun. In 4 hours of hiking we covered only 10 km (6 miles) and we were all very tired. This is not to say anything about how wonderful our day was. There's still a lot of vegetation and as the weather gets hotter we appreciate so much more every shading tree; the landscape was striking at parts and the company was great. By now we are good friends of each other and it is much fun just to do things together and to meet each other and talk while we walk.
After we finished the hike we drove to the house of one of our group members, only few miles away, for a BBQ. We bought meats and salads and drinks and we had a very relaxing afternoon. They have an amazing view of the biggest lake in our country and it’s just the most beautiful view you can possibly have. So we set on their porch and we ate and enjoyed the view and they brought their karaoke machine so we did some singing and later even dancing. It was SO much fun. We stayed there for a few hours and only after sunset we started our way back home. It was such a great day!
I hiked this trail many years ago with my then boyfriend and I still remember that hike fondly. We did the whole length of the trail then, which is more than twice as long, and we did it over two days. This time I did it as a member of a group of singles, all in our 50's and more but still with enough energy and enthuse, and it was still a lot of fun.

I am so thankful for this absolutely wonderful day, for the hike, the BBQ, the dances and the singing. I am thankful for friendships forged on the trails of our beautiful country. I am thankful I still have the energy and the physical ability to hike so much and to try to make up for all the lost hikes during the years. I am thankful that after a week of long hours at the office, I can take my weekend off and forget everything, and just have fun. It is so re-charging.

A Change of Heart

Day 122 – I was very tired when I wrote the original entry and so I opted for an easy subject instead of dealing with my heart's ache. So here I am, coming back to this entry, a day later to make amends. I will leave the original post, but first I will write about the real thing.
May 20th is my son's birthday. He is now 25 years old, and he is a ccross the world from me. He is celebrating it with his friends, as he should, but I was not there even for one moment to hug him. I called, of course, but it is so meaningless. He was in his way to class, and when I called again he was already with his friends at the pub so it was not a place he could talk. It is the first of many birthdays and events I will not be a real part of and it makes me very sad. It is a choise I made to be here and not there, but it really wouldn't make a difference. We are a family split between two continents and we are not even a real family any more, since there is not one home any more and parents as a unit. There is dad and there is mom but there are no parents unit anymore.
So what am I thankful for today? I am thankful it is my son's birthday and he is 25 years old today. I am thankfuk that he seems to be doing so much better in the past few months. I am thankful that he is in college again and working towards his degree. I am thankful I got to spend a few days with his less then two weeks ago, so it feels a little like I took part in his birthday.

and now to the original entry:
Friday is such a wonderful day. It’s the only day I can wake up without an alarm clock; so today I woke up at 11 and it set the tone for the rest of the day. It was relaxed and slow, just the way Friday should be. By the time we went grocery shopping it was almost 2 pm- stores close at 3 on Friday. But it was just enough time to buy some groceries for the weekend, go to the seamstress to hem a pair of new jeans I bought on my trip, and my daughter’s uniform, and to shop some produce from our neighborhood store. And then came the best part, we changed to our bathing suites and drove to the beach. The water was very calm, and the sand very warm and the sky so blue… we put down our beach towels and lie down in the sun, and I told my daughter “how lucky are we to be here”. I really feel that way - that I am so lucky to be here, to enjoy this beautiful country, and these wonderful people, to be able to get to one of the best beaches I know in a matter of minutes. I also realized that I don’t come here often enough. I allow life to get in the way and I will try from now on to be better about it. Even if I come from work too late to tan or to go to the water, I can still walk on the promenade or seat in a café and enjoy the sea. So I am going to step it up a notch and start coming to the beach not only on Fridays. (As usual, by the time I start writing I am dead tired and so my entry today is very short, maybe I should start writing a little earlier and not at 3 in the morning, when I am soo tired. I’ll try that tomorrow to write as soon as I am back from my trip).
But even though I am very tired, I am thankful for so many things. I am thankful I live so close to the sea, so close that I can hop into my car and be there in less than 10 minutes. I am thankful to be here in this wonderful country. I am so lucky that without any plans I just rearrange everything to just stay, I suddenly saw what was hiding from me for so many years. I am so thankful for my daily life here and for the opportunities if has for me. I am thankful for the beach.
  

"Oldies" Music Concert

Day 121 - Today marks the fourth months since I started blogging. Looking back at it, I think it was a great idea. I have to examine every day and find something special; it makes me want to do things, because after a while "I am thankful that nothing happed" becomes old. Plus, part of the deal was that every day I have to write about something different. It keeps me fresh, brings awareness, and so it creates a lot of good. And I truly believe that by thinking good thoughts we create a more positive world for ourselves, we make the world a little better place to live. So I am very happy I came with that idea.
Today at the evening I went with 11 friends from our hiking group to hear a music concert. It was covers for 60/70/80 music. We set there and listen and some of the people even danced, we had wine and some food, we tapped on the table and danced in our chairs; in short, we had a good time. It was in the upper floor of a mall that is not highly used. There is a café there and its owner is the one to organize the evening. There were many people and the atmosphere was nice, the band was very good and the lead singer had a wonderful voice, so I enjoyed it very much. They played until 12:30 am and we stayed even longer before going home. A fun night and something I don’t do very often, so definitely something to be thankful for. My daughter at the same time went to "Student Day" party, and came back even later, at 3:30 am. She had soo much fun. It makes me so happy the city is still alive at the wee hours of the night. tI always bothered me, when we still lived abroad, that at 11pm everything is closed and the streets are deserted. Whereas here the bars are still open, people are still walking the streets, not like in the middle of the day but quite a few people are still out.
I am thankful for a fun feeling night. I am thankful to my friend who found the venue, ordered a great table for us all, and made sure everyone will come. I am thankful for doing something so different in the middle of the week. I am especially thankful that it was today, after a very busy week, so I could slow down and relax. I am thankful for this “oldies” music, it is the music of my youth and I absolutely love it. I am thankful for the energy in this country and for the fun loving people for nights that are filled with laughter.

My Grandmother

Day 120 – May 18^th is a very special date for me. It is my late grandmother’s birthday. As a younger person I use to hear all these grandma jokes and could not understand that. For me she was my most beloved woman in my life, the embodiment of unconditional love. My grandfather was born 4 days later, on May 22^nd of the same year 1905. My parents separated when I was a baby so my grandparents took a very active role in raising me.  So many of my childhood memories have to do with them, their house was my safe heaven, my fortress, my castle, but especially a place made of dreams, a place that I find it almost hard to believe could really exist. I could do there whatever I wanted, everything was game, as if its sole existence was for my pleasure. She was born in Sumatra, Indonesia to a German father and a Japanese mother. She grew up in ranches surrounded by jungles and away from children, she had animals and plants for friends and they stay her friends for life. After she met my grandfather they decided to move out of Germany and immigrated here, and so they spared themselves the horrors of WWII. And they built

She got seriously injured in a terrorist attack when she was 50 years old, an attack that almost claimed her life and left her with some disabilities she had to fight for the rest of her life. This happened only three years before I was born, but this is how I always knew her with one leg shorter than the other, limping and as she got older it bothered her more, though she never complained. Only now I understand how much she was probably still struggling with the effects of the injuries, and how much she never ever complained. She just took it in her stoic attitude and kept being such an amazing woman. I loved everything about their house, I would play dress-ups for hours with all her fancy dresses and jewelry, and I’d play in their huge yard that when I was little still housed many chickens, and rabbits, and exotic fruits that could be found nowhere else in our country. She cooked for me all the foods I liked best, she’d play tea party with me. There are no words that can properly describe her and I’m still thinking of her with so much love after so many years.

I am so thankful that I had such an amazing grandma. I am thankful to have someone who bestowed so much love on me and taught me how to really love a child. I feel I was blessed to have her as my grandma.

House Hunting

Day 119 – Our apartment is too small and too old to work for us, I said it several times already. We still have more than three months on our contract, but every few days I search again to see if something interesting is up for rent. I love the location I have right now. It’s perfect - very close to everything and yet a very quiet street with very little traffic. And I would like to find something similar, just bigger and more updated. This is a lot to ask and so there are not many apartments that fit the scrutinizing search. Today I decided not to be such a picky one and broaden the search a little. I set 4 appointments and we went to see them all this evening. (I love the fact that I can come and look at an apartment at 9:30pm!!). one got the top spot as “the worst apartment we’ve ever seen”, two were bad but not terrible and one was nice but we didn’t fall in love with it. So after some consideration and the less than perfect location we decided not to take that one as well. If in two months I still won’t find anything I might be less picky, but right now I still have time so I can wait for the right apartment to come by, I still have time before I have to compromise. So we came to few very important realizations

-          location is very, very important to us

-          we are ready to rethink it only for an amazing apartment elsewhere

So back to the search, just a little smarter. But this is actually why I wanted to start looking at the first place to get a feel for the market, to understand what is available and at what price range, and to set my priorities right.

Last year when I rented this place I didn’t have time to look much, not a car to drive all over the city, and very little money so I had to go for cheap and with that I got the too small and not in best of shape. I also didn’t know the city very well so I didn’t really know what is the right location for me, what are my needs etc. Now I know that. I can’t believe it is already 9 months since I moved into this apartment, almost 10 months since I moved back to my homeland.

I am thankful for the little things I learn about myself every single day, even if it is only understanding my priorities, to learn what is actually important for me on one more aspect of my life. I am thankful for having a car today so I can see 4 apartments in two very distant sides of town in such a short time. I am thankful for not having to take the first apartment I see, but for the luxury to choose. I am thankful I am working now and so I can afford a better apartment than I did last year. I am thankful most of all that after 10 months here I don’t even hesitate about committing for another year, for the fact that it feels like home, that I am here to stay.  

Being a Princess

Day 118 -  Yesterday there was a royal visit to our hospital. Her Royal Highness XXX a princess from another country came to visit and sign a collaboration agreement for cancer research. It was a very interesting experience. None of her people is allowed to be taller than her, so her assistant was on his knees when helping her to get out of the car. There were all the mandatory red carpets and all the executives where in suites and in attention to welcome her. Later she accepted three nurses from her country who are currently working in our hospital. They literally crawled forward and then where allowed to sit on the floor while talking, and then they crawled back, never showing their behind to her. It was a very interesting experience. And it made me think how much it sucks to be a princess. You never just a person, you are the title, the position, the expectations of their people, of the world. They can never trust that friends are really friends and not interest oriented. Everything they do is scrutinized. How sad it is to live in a glass bowl, even if gilded and with many perks.  They live such hard and isolated life. Every little girl is dreaming to be a princess, how far from the fairy tales it really is. I am so happy to live life so far from the limelight, so far from codes, so free to do whatever I want, so little obligations. I never realized how lucky I am until is saw this princess. She might be a kind soul; she might be a wonderful person, but she is bound by laws and rules that do not allow her to show that; maybe in the very private quarters of her home and only with very limited number of people around her.  

I am so thankful I was not born a princess. I am thankful to be anonymous and have my life all to myself. I am so thankful that I have to obey by so very few rule and codes of conduct. I am thankful I can lead my life as I wish, and I can always change it. I am thankful for my life as they are.

Sick Day

Day 117 –  I woke up this morning with a massive headache, sore throat and very congested airways. If it wasn’t for some work I could not postpone, I would stay in bed all day. Somehow I dragged myself out of bed and to work and I made it through a whole day of very busy work. By the end of the day I started to feel a little better, so I hope tomorrow I’ll wake up fine, or close to that. I rarely get sick so it is something I am not familiar with and every time it catches me by surprise, but it’s no big deal and I know that even on the rare occasion that I do get sick, I’ll get better quickly. So it was a chill day when I got home in the evening, I just made soup(very good if I can say so myself) and didn’t do much else, just worked on my dad’s book. I talked to my niece and she sent me all the stuff she wrote and I will try to mash the two and add stories to where they belong in the storyline.  So sometimes it is good to have a down day, it gives me time to slow down and just rest, I sure don’t do that enough. I am happy it is not cold anymore so I am comfortable even without using my famous comforter. I will though, take a very hot shower and we might get into bed now and watch a movie until we fall asleep.  To me this sounds like a perfect ending to a” sick day”.

I am thankful that I don’t get sick often. I am thankful that I got to spend a relaxed evening. I am thankful that I have can enjoy hot tea and hot shower on days I am sick. And I am thankful for having my daughter with me here tonight so we can enjoy the rest of the evening together.

Adopting Family

Day 116 – when my daughter decided to go back here and enlist she was coming here as a “lone soldier”, a soldier who has no immediate family here in the country. Realizing the importance of a support group at times like that they take these groups of such kids and help them settle into a close neat farming community and pair them with families that will “adopt” them during their military service. These people are just amazing/ they take them in and make them feel like they are really part of the family. They do such an amazing job that even though I am here now and my daughter is not a lone soldier, she stays in close contact with the family and goes to visit them almost every week. Yesterday was the birthday of one of the kids in this family and so they invited us both to come and celebrate with them. We went to a restaurant and later we came back to their home and we played a cards game that we brought as a present.  It was so much fun. Their kids are so wonderful and they really make us feel like we are all one big family. And my daughter, being the youngest child in our family and always asking for more siblings, finally got 4 more and she just loves that. It is one of the things I love the most about this country, how everyone is so welcoming and so warm, how much we feel embraced and at home even with people we don’t really know for that long. This is the reason I wanted to go back here. This is the meaning of home.

I am so thankful for all the wonderful hospitality we get everywhere. I am thankful to the people of that settlement, who took our kids in and are taking such good care of them. I am especially thankful to that wonderful family, who opened their home and their heart to my daughter and also to me. I am thankful for the kindness of people here and for their love. I am thankful to be here and witness this.  

A Story to Be Told

Day 115 – my father is 83 years, he was born in another country, he went through the holocaust, where all his family was murdered, he escaped, immigrated to this country fought in the Independence war, got injured… in short he has a story to tell. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to do that. I bought him a computer few years ago, but this didn’t help. He can’t find his voice. He keeps telling again and again the same 10 stories and never goes past that. And the problem is that if we will not intervene he’ll die one day and his story will die with him, the story of a whole family who got destroyed. I think about it a lot and it really makes me uneasy. Today I had a great idea. If he cannot do that, I am going to do it for him. I tried to get those stories before but I gave him a free reign and it didn’t work. So this time I am going to build a set of leading  questions and will not tell him that it is his story I’ll just ask questions and record the answers and will write the story from this raw material. I will call for specific memories. About his first day in school or his best friend or his grandparents, and just build the puzzle from there. And I will not ask chronologically so it will be my way and not let him drag his feet his way. I am giving myself now 2 months to assemble enough materials for a book, another 2 months to edit it and two weeks to print, all so it will be ready for his 84^th birthday at the beginning of October. I am very excited about this idea; I believe it can actually work. If it will, I think I have done something wonderful not only for him, but for his lost family and for all of us his descendants, so we’ll finally have something about our heritage and about him. And one day, when he is no longer with us let this be part of his legacy. I will talk to my mom tomorrow to get all what we already have in writing and I’ll take it from there.

I am so thankful about this wonderful idea, as I said before, I am really worried that he will not leave us any of that and too soon the story will start to lose some of its detail, and many of the stories we never even heard. I am thankful for the class I took yesterday since this, in part, is how I got this wonderful idea. I am thankful that I have enough time until his birthday, that it’s actually a realistic timeline. I am so looking for tomorrow to start working on this book.

New Way of Thinking

Day 114 – The website of Blogger was down for the past 24 hours, I don't know why, So this was written yesterday but I could post it only now when I got back home.

 I am taking an afternoon class that teaches the basics of how to start your own business. They also offer mentoring by savvy businessmen and women that will help the ones that are interested to take their first steps and it results a higher rate of success because of that. So why do I take this class? Not sure yet. I harbor this dream of having my own business for a very long time. Problem is that I don’t really have any idea what kind of business. So right now I am taking the classes. It makes me think in the right direction, and I like that. Today was the first class. An introduction to the course and I enjoyed it very much. The group is nice and the teacher very good so I think I am going to enjoy my Thursday evenings for the next few weeks. And we’ll see how it will come along, am I really going to start developing a business plan all the way. I wonder if I have it in me or is it just a dream that will never materialize. For many years I lived in a place that strives on entrepreneurship, a place that so many of its residents had start-ups or worked in start-ups and most dreamed of having their own start-up. So this is probably where it came from, the idea that I have to have my own business. But right now it is nothing but a dream. An entrepreneur is someone who takes dreams and makes them a reality. Am I that practical? Do I have such a strong drive? I saw how it can ruin everything in its path – can I do it differently? I want to believe I can. I want to believe I have that drive, but that I can find a balance between my life and my business and that I can enjoy both for many years to come. I have so many plans to travel and see the world and so I have to be able to work and take brakes, and this is also why I need to have my own business, so I can take brakes. So here you go, one more thing is added to my bucket list – have my own business, one that is strong enough so I can live from it and make a nice profit as well. I realized a long time ago that if I really want to achieve something I can do that. I ran a marathon few years ago, so I know how to set something that looks like an impossible goal and with the right coaching I managed to do that.  So here I am setting something that looks like an impossible goal but I am keeping my eyes on that goal and I will get there, even if it will take a little longer than I would have liked, just like my marathon run. A very wise man told us many years ago – life is a marathon, not a sprint, so this is how I am going to treat this goal of mine. Work on it on regular intervals, invest only a little of my resources, but do it consistently and I will reach my goal.

I am thankful for this wonderful class I am taking, I think it will make a big difference in my life.  I am thankful that I can wake up every day and start chipping at it. I am thankful for the wonderful ideas it brings and for this feeling of renewal and creativity, for this quest. I am thankful for the opportunity to dream and soar and hopefully for landing on my feet.

A Quiet Day

Day 113 – it was a quiet day. Not much happened, nothing really exciting to report. I went to work for a short time since I didn’t wake up in the morning – I guess I am jet lagged after all; I finally met my daughter in the afternoon; we went to a friend’s house for a “Shiv’a” to pay respect and sit with the family for a while as his father died while I was away; I went to buy some groceries and prepared dinner for both of us; we went for coffee at 11pm; nothing earth shuttering, just a slow and uneventful day. I am so happy that’s how my day went. It was a very intense trip; I was away for the past 12 days, so all I wanted was a very slow and uneventful day. Just to get back and settle in and have some time to spend with my daughter, to catch up after a long time I didn’t see her. I was happy to see her doing so well, looking so good and in a good mood. What else can I ask for? I came back yesterday and unpacked everything, and it was good to be home. It is my home here now and I am happy to be here. Everything is familiar by now and I just get right in the groove again. It’s nice to feel this is my home. I am moving between the two places and, as I said in one of my blogs, I know I can live in either side of the ocean, but I am at home here and I love that. It is so good to be back into my routine, into my life as I have them here.  

I am thankful to be back home. I am thankful to be here. I am thankful to be with my daughter again. I am thankful for a day that I have nothing to report.

Have a Little Faith

Day 112 – It is a long way back home. I let my old home there 2 hours prior to take off, 6 hours the first lag of my flight, 2 hours layover and 11 more hours of flight and then 3 ½ hours to get home!! It takes indeed a very long time to get back home.  On the plane I had plenty of time to read, so I finished this book I mentioned of Mitch Albom and it raises very interesting questions about faith as well as relationship between family members as well as just how much we care about other human beings. He is telling in parallel two stories one of his rabbi, who asked him to write his eulogy and the other of a pastor of a homeless church he got to know and admire because of the stirring the rabbi created in him. It is an amazing story of a man, who pulled himself from the lowest point possible being a criminal and a drug addict to become the leader of this little community he gathered around him of people at the edge of society that he help pull back and bring inspiration and hope into their lives. He called his church “I Am My Brother’s Keeper”  and this is what he did until his untimely death. It is a very moving story of how he finaly managed to put a stop to his downturn and lifted himself and recreated himself and was so humble as to think that nothing he’ll ever do can be atonement to his bad years but at least he is trying to do some good for the years he still has. I read it and it makes me ponder exactly that – are we our brothers’ keepers and if so, how do I practice that? It is so easy when we see misery to turn our back and dig into our good life with some lame excuses – they did it to themselves, what can I, as one individual do, or any such an excuse. The truth is we are afraid of that desperation, and from the thought that none of us is too far from there, so it is just too easy to look away. But the right way to approach is the way Henry did it – to open our heart and look, and lend a hand. Bring some food, offer hope. But to offer hope we have to find in ourselves and around us the powers larger and bigger than us; to offer hope to people who have lost everything is the realm of God and His army whether it’s a rabbi, a priest or an imam; I don’t have God in me so how can I offer hope to others? The only thing I can offer is physical help – food, clothing, maybe shelter.

I am thankful that I found and read this book. I am sure it will ripple within me for a while; I hope I will be able to keep this feeling and act upon it.  I am thankful to be in a position I can do that, I know it is so easy to fall off the ladder and be on the other end of it. I am thankful every day for the food I have on my table, for the clothing I have on my body, for the roof over my head and for the warm bed I can sleep in at night. I am most thankful of all for my wonderful children and the wonderful family I have.

Farewell

Day 111 - After 10 days here I am going back home. It is with mixed feelings this time. I am happy to get back home and to see my youngest daughter but I am sad to leave my two older kids here. But I will be back here in about a month when my granddaughter will be born, so it is not going to be such a long time before I see them again.

I am more thankful than I can express for a very important and very healing visit. I am thankful to my daughter for let me be there and help her, for sharing for a few moments her life as they are at this time, moments before she becomes a mother, such an important time in her life and was able to touch it for  a few moments. I am thankful to my son who took the only free weekend he had and will have in the next few weeks, until he finishes his quarter, and spent that time with me, for being patient with my nudging about his driving for being, as always so sweet and such a great company, for pushing me to give the skydiving one more chance even if he had to endure very difficult drive for 2 hours at night for that. and I am thankful that I was able to open my heart and see all that, which sadly is not a given as well. I am thankful for a wonderful time and can't wait to be back here again.

Skydiving!!!

Day 110 – It is Mother’s Day and the last day with my son on this trip. We went skydiving yesterday and we went up with the airplane but they decided it was too cloudy and we could not jump, so at 6000 feet they decided to abort and get back to base with the hope the weather will get better. We were advised to wait in the airport and hope for a break in the clouds but after half an hour and realizing the clouds actually getting thicker we decided not to wait and just go on with our day. The area is famous for it’s Chardonnay and Pinot Noir wines so we went for wine tasting instead. It was very tasty and much fun. I have to admit that I had to quite after the second winery since I was getting a serious buzz already, I said it before – I have very low tolerance – my Asian genes are kicking in I guess J

My son was not ready to give up on our plan to skydive so he found another drop zone about 2 hours away that was farther from the ocean and more into the desert and so, more of a chance for clear sky and we drove there arriving late at night and found a local motel to spend the night. This morning we woke up nice and early, and arrived at the airport. It is a very small outfit, compared to the one from yesterday, but so much more fun and personal because of that. We were the first two to arrive. Few minutes later arrived a couple that today is his 70^th birthday and so this their way of celebrating it – how cool is that!! The plane here was very small, a Cesna, and so it goes up with each jumper (and their jump master) individually. My son was the first one to jump and I was waiting for him at the landing zone. I jumped second. I was worried before that I will start being afraid once they open the airplane’s door and we hang out there with nothing underneath just a lot of empty sky, I even said I would probably pee in my pans from being so scared, but I knew I will still do it. I was not expecting anything like the experience I had. Since it’s a small aircraft we actually sit and put our legs on the latch and jump from there. Also because these are individual jumps and there is no risk we can hurt other jumpers they are more lax on doing funny things so we came out of the plane with 3 rolls!! And only then we sot into the beginners skydive position – belly dive. There are no words to explain the feeling of free fall, the most exhilarating thing I’ve done in my life, and it is so amazingly beautiful and once the parachute opens it is so quite and serene. I still remember the grin that would not go off the face of my son and younger daughter after their jump last year; I am wearing the same silly one today. I came down and said that this item is not off my bucket list, if anything it is up there again at the top of the list. Now I want to learn to jump solo!! I want to get my certificate to jump solo. So on my next visit here I am going to start working on that. But today I am just celebrating an amazing experience that it will be really hard for me to top it.

I am thankful beyond words to my son for a wonderful weekend we got to spend together; it is not something one can take for granted. I am thankful for his insistence that we have to jump when I was ready to give up and postpone it for my next visit. I am thankful to him for waiting for me at the landing area with a bouquet of flowers for mother’s day – so sweet and thoughtful. And I am so very thankful for an experience of a life time – skydiving is  SOOOOO cool!!!!

 

Some Thoughts about the meaning of life

Day 109 - I woke up and my son is still asleep. I went over my entry from yesterday and was very impressed. I thought it will not even be coherent, but aside from few mistakes, which I already fixed, it was legible. I sure am thankful for that.
I am reading a book right now by Mitch Albom "Have a little faith" and I got to the a very powerful sermon his Rabbi gave years ago, and I like to quote here the summary of it - "if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm. And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete." How true is that, and how easy it is to waver from this path. but it should always be our goal - to live life of no regrets. To be kind and to express our love whenever we can. We might not have another chance to make it right. By the way - the book is very good, it brings up so many of these life altering questions. It talks about faith and happiness, life and death, and especially it raise all kind of thoughts about how to live our life and give meaning to it all.

I am thankful that I found this little book and I can read it now and let the right things resonate in me and see what it will bring up. I am thankful for having some of these things as cornerstones in my life. I am thankful for life, and for waking up yet another day, for another opportunity to make things right, to live and have few more good memories with loved ones. I am thankful to have such great love in my life.

Road Trip

Day 108 - After four and half months, and a week after arriving here, I finally met my son again. It was so good to see him and hug him, and as always, we continue our talk at the point where it ended, exactly as you want it to be. We are going to do skydiving tomorrow, so we drove towards that airport. We took the scenic route. This is one of the most beautiful drives in this country and it appears in so many movies and today, I drove on that road for the very first time. It was full of surprises, the sight of the ocean at every turn, gray with little waves. Few flocks of pelicans searching for the right place for the night and a whale!! yes, I was stunned to see a whale so close to the beach. We just stopped the car and watched. Later the road left the ocean and started climbing the mountains and still the road was pretty, just the scene changed to rolling hills with spring flowers and grasses everywhere. We found after a little search a place for the night in a little town that looks like out of a fairy book, or as if we are in Europe, in Denmark to be precise. It is very sweet and very pretty. I am just too tired to write about it today, I fall asleep as I write, so it is going to be very short entry. We went to a brewery here and I drank half a pint of beer, no wonder I am dead tired!! You know me and my great tolerance for alcohol :( it's a family joke and now in the open. I never drank that much in my life. I am lucky that it was a light beer. But I just got soooo very tired, not drunk or anything.

I just want to give thanks for this wonderful day. I am thankful for this opportunity to spend a day with my son, to take a road trip with him. It is something we talked about for so long and we are finally doing it. I am  thankful that we picked such a nice area for that trip. I am so tired and made so many mistakes so far, that I am thankful I finished writing and I can go to sleep :) I hope tomorrow I'll do a better job writing.

Being at Home

Day 107 - My last day here this week. I am flying tomorrow to finally meet  my son and we are going to spend the weekend together. On Sunday night I am coming back here, I'll see my daughter again for a few hours and on Monday morning I am going back home. I met three of my friends today for lunch and they asked me how do I feel coming back here, and how do I feel being there. I think that what i finally realized is that I can feel at home only when I am at peace with myself, only when I am at home within my own body, my own soul. If I am happy all is good and where ever I'll be I can be happy and content, but if I am at times of unrest nothing will feel right. And this is why I am so happy there right now, because I found a long lost peace of mind. I have found me - I told them today that I am like a turtle right now, I carry my home on my back, or to be more precise, I can just feel at home anywhere. I now know that if things will change and I will move back here for some reason, I'll be OK, I'll be at home here as well. So I always said that once we crossed the ocean from our homeland to here we'll always be split between the two places, and now I understand that the opposite is true as well - that since I lived in both places, I can be happy here or there and I believe that I can feel at home almost anywhere.
I am thankful for the opportunity we had to move and live here for so many years. I am thankful for how much it opened our mind and broaden our horizon. I am thankful that it taught me such important lessons, about what is important for me in my life and what is not. and I am thankful for the new lesson about how much this is home as well, how much I love this house that I built and this place where I lived for so many years.