An Amazing Evening

Day 163 – few weeks ago I saw an ad at work for tickets to a performance by my favorite national singer. I bought two tickets right away, not knowing if my youngest daughter will be here or not, but just in case… well, she is there and so she missed it. I love his music for years, but most of this time I was abroad. I only saw him once in a live performance – 3 years ago when he came to our area for a few performances. It was my first time to see him with his local fan base which was amazing. They stood the whole time and danced and sang. And he goes off stage all the time and interacts with them – talk and dance and sing with them. There were no new songs, all the old stuff but it was soo much fun! I loved every minute of it. I too was standing and  singing and dancing, you already know I like doing that and especially in such an evening with so much energy and so much love for him in the air. I also loved that he used one of his songs to bring the subject of a soldier who was kidnapped 5 years ago and is still being hold in captivity and he sang a song “let him come back to his home” and put the picture of this soldier on the big screens. Not many singers would do that, and it was a very emotional moment, and I had tears in my eyes and choking my throat as I sang it.

I want to talk about a singer who is over 60 years old and still able to keep a fan base that is younger than his children. I think it is an amazing phenomenon by itself, but tonight it is just to celebrate the experience. The pondering I will do at a later time.

Since I had an extra ticket, I asked a dear friend of mine if he wants to join me and he did. So I also had a great company for the evening. I was so tired when I got home I went right to sleep and only now I am writing and posting this entry. But I am so thankful for a magical night.

I am thankful for an amazing evening. I am thankful I could take part and witnessed such a powerful and wonderful performance. I am thankful to my friend who joined me and even brought me cherries he picked the same morning. I am thankful for a magical night.

Another Step Forward

Day 162 – as I unpack my stuff in the new apartment it becomes very clear that I have to move fast about purchasing furniture. I have no living room set, no book cases and no dining table or chairs. I have one folding chair and that’s it. So today, after work I went to the furniture section of town. There are many stores with large selection in each and I just went from one to the next and did not make up my mind yet. I only visited 5 stores and there are several more I want to visit I didn’t see yet something that I “must have”. I did see several “this looks nice” ones. I cannot come back tomorrow since I have a concert, but I will visit the other shops on Friday and maybe I will actually see something I like enough to order right away. This is such a huge step that I find it almost intimidating, well not really but it’s huge anyway. It is settling down and on my own. Building my own place from scratch and to my liking. Until now I lived in a temporary situation, so with only the essentials, but the emptiness of the place asks me to fill it, to make it a home. I was looking at dining tables, means I am planning to start eating at home and invite people here so I even checked about the table extensions. I was looking at living room sets, so I will have a place to crash on and read a book, drink coffee and chat, again hosting people and I also need some book case for all my books so they can get out of the boxes and into display. I also need a place for my office, and get my jewelry supplies out of the box. I am so looking forward to work on it again, it’s been a few months since I last played with it. So I didn’t order anything and it will take 4-6 weeks until I’ll get my furniture, but starting to act on it made me so happy. I am thankful I can go and start shopping for furniture, it makes me feel my independence with such intensity. I am thankful for a fun afternoon shopping for furniture. The sales man in one of the stores was trying so hard to sell me his furniture and was ready to give me an replacement set until mine will be ready, I almost placed an order and then I thought better of it and decided to go and look in some other stores, and I am so glad I did, I saw some things I liked more. I am thankful I got a head start on it today but I know it will be twice as fun on Friday when I can devote several hours to the task. And as usual these days, it is again passed 1 am and I am dead tire, so I am thankful I finished writing and now I can take a shower and go to bed. (this is the only one thanks I can do many times J

Desperately Needed Sleep

Day 161 – I worked late yesterday, unpacking boxes and putting my stuff away. By the time I got into bed it was almost 2 am and I was dead tired and my whole body was sore. I set my alarm clock to 6 am feeling bad about the little sleep time I had left and then I remembered that I have scheduled for today another platelets donation. I will have two hours to sleep! And this is exactly what happened. I actually told them as I came in that I just moved two days ago and I am so very tired and I am planning to sleep the whole time. The cool thing is that here you donated platelets lying in bed, whereas at the place I came from you do it sitting and you are not suppose to fall asleep. So I got into bed let them hook me to the machine asked for an extra blanket and promptly went to sleep.   The truth is I was in and out of sleep the whole time because the machine kept beeping every few minutes and they had to come and try to move my arm around to get better readings, but still it was so great to have the extra sleep time. I woke up two hours later refreshed and ready to face my day and I also did something good at the same time. The funny thing is I talked to my youngest daughter, who flew few days ago to visit her siblings and her dad and to see her little niece, and I found out she donated platelets there few hours earlier, and we didn’t know we both did it until later. Great minds think alike.

I am thankful for this opportunity to do something good for a stranger in need. It makes me so happy every time I do that. Especially now, after I talked to my friend who is going through chemo I understand even more the importance of those donations. Some people would not be alive if it wasn’t for that. I am thankful that while doing something so important I also got those precious hours of sleep I really needed. Both things did my day and I am thankful for that.

Girlfriends

Day 160 – I met with a good friend of mine for dinner. We have known each other for over thirty years and we always liked each other, but as it often goes when one lives abroad and comes only once a year for a short visit, the past 22 years where very superficial. We met, spent few hours together, caught up on all the updates and news, maybe went for dinner or a hike, and already had to say goodbye again. Only now when I came back here we started to give some depth to our friendship. As it goes, she also has some serious issues with her husband, and they are working on it and see a professional to try to bring it to a point where they can live under the same roof happily. We meet every few weeks and we spend hours talking. We go into deep discussions and we both enjoy and cherish this special time. I can see her personal growth during this period and she can see mine. And we can talk and analyze things in a way I can’t do with anyone else. I also enjoy just seeing the wonderful woman she became.  I never had close girlfriends and only this year after I came back here I take old and new friendships to a new and more open level. We marveled today at how meaningful girl-talks are. We don’t pretend that everything is OK, we don’t come from a high point but talk to each other from the level of the eyes. We can cry and admit to be hurt and we are seeking friendship, recognition and support. We can discuss things and we try to think of a solution. We can acknowledge a broken heart and we can see one without running for cover. I never had so many girlfriends and I find it a blessing and an enriching experience. 

  

I am thankful for all the girlfriends in my life; for the hospitality, friendship and support. I am thankful for every open heart and honesty. I am thankful for a journey I could never do all alone and to my friends’ support along the way. I am especially thankful to this special friend; the time we spend together is priceless.

Moving Day

Day 159 –I woke up early this morning and started packing right away by 9:15 I was done. I went with few items to the new house, and took Mini for a walk and then I came back to the old house to wait for the movers. They loaded the truck and we drove to the new place where they unload the truck and left. The next few hours I unpacked and cleaned and unpacked some more. I had to stop and take Mini to the vet for her first check-up, and then returned for some more unpacking. I went to by some organizers and came to the old house again to post this blog – I will get my internet service only tomorrow. I am exhausted, I fall asleep as I write but I am very happy to have finally moved. The house is very pleasant and it feels right even with nothing there yet, no furniture except the beds, but it still so nice. If the technician will come early tomorrow I’ll go there and start looking for the right furniture pieces.

I am thankful this day had come and gone and now I am living in this new apartment.  I am thankful the move went so easy and fast. I am thankful I somehow managed to write and now I can post it and leave. I desperately need a shower and a bed.  

Packing My Apartment

Day 158 – I came back with my daughter this morning and half an hour later her dad picked her up. They spent the day together and he also brought her to the airport. She’ll be away for the next three weeks. We never been apart for so long and I am very sad not to see her for such a long time (almost a month and a half with a break of 3 day in the middle. But I am very happy that she is going back to visit her brother and sister and her new niece and of course her dad. I am moving to my new apartment tomorrow, so since she left I was busy packing, except for an hour that I went out for a stroll. I am not done yet but it is very late here (a little after 2 am) and I am very tired and sore, so I am going to sleep now and will continue tomorrow morning. I have about 4 boxes still to pack so probably by 8 or 9 am I’ll be done. I am very happy about this move. It will be a little difficult at the beginning since I have no furniture, but I will buy some in a few days and I in the meantime – I am already used to live like a squatter, so no big deal.
I am thankful I got to spend the past three days with my daughter before her trip, it was really a good time. I am thankful for a wonderful drive back with her this morning; two hours that went by in a flash. I am very thankful I am moving tomorrow, it’s a big step in rebuilding my life and so a giant step forward; it will be even a bigger step once I’ll have furniture, and it will start looking like a home. I can’t wait for it to start, yet I am so thankful for these baby steps, the road is my journey and so slow is good, moving consciously from stage to stage.  

An Amazing Family

Day 157 – my daughter came here to be a lone soldier, as did all her group. All the families stayed behind and just this group of youngsters came here. So part of that program is that they are going into very small communities that are helping them and taking care of them and also every one of them was matched with a family that is “adopting” them for that period of time. My daughter’s family is just incredible. They have 4 kids of their own and yet they find the time to care about her and host her and visit her when she was in the hospital. And most of all they love her ad make her feel very welcome. It is amazing that people getting out of their way to make someone they don’t even know feel at home, make the adjustment into the life here so much easier because of that. And it is not only my daughter’s family, it’s every adapting family of her group. All the kids love it and go to eat dinner with the families every Friday night and only later hang out with their friends. You don’t see this kind of welcome and of generosity anywhere else, it’s hard to believe something like that still exists. And even among all these wonderful people, my daughter’s family stands out as very special. She is very lucky to have such wonderful family. Today she came here to celebrate her 19^th birthday with her family and her friends from the group, but she is flying tomorrow, so I brought her today and I am staying the night with her family – she has no room for me where she lives – and tomorrow morning we will drive back. They took me in, hosted me so nicely and no questions just a big open heart.

I am so thankful to this wonderful family who makes my daughter’s life here so special, who makes her feel so welcomed and loved. I am thankful for their hospitality, care and love. I am thankful to this great community for taking in our kids and taking such good care of them, for helping them make this otherwise difficult times so exciting and memorable, for giving them the time fo their lives.

A Very Specail Birthday

Day 156 – tomorrow is my daughter’s 19^th birthday. We always had this tradition in our family to celebrate birthdays the night before and tonight was no exception. We went to a restaurant and had a great meal and then we went to see a movie.  We went to see Conviction, not really your typical birthday movie, very sad and painful but also a story that celebrates the human spirit and what one brave woman did to over-rule her brother’s life without parole sentence for a murder he never committed. An amazing movie, amazing acting, amazing story of love and devotion on the one hand and a horrible story of bending justice and deceit on the other. It is my daughter’s last teen birthday and it comes to signal the end of a very difficult and challenging year. It is also a year that will be always remembered as a pivotal year, with so many forming moments, a year that will change the course of her life forever and at the same time will give her the understanding of her great strength. She will be able to achieve whatever she wants in life, but what she wants might take a turn she never expected before. This was a very forming year in her development from a teen to womanhood. We celebrated just the two of us, but this year it is exactly what we wanted, to be just the two of us after all we had gone through this year and to know that made it through and came so much better for it at the other end. This was our year, and I am sure some of it will be with us forever.

I am thankful my daughter made it to this birthday, we learned this year that even something like that is not a given. I thankful for all the gifts we got this year; it is not for us to choose our dice but it is for us to choose our reaction, our conduct when facing adversity. I am thankful that at the end of a very dark and long tunnel we found light again. This is a year where we celebrated life and love, knowing that even that is not a given, and we have to remind ourselves everyday how precious is this life and how frail. I am thankful to have my daughter in my life, I cannot even imagine it without her. I am thankful for every passing day, for everyday yet to come.  

I am AT HOME

Day 155 – I am back home. It took me a year but I can say it now with full intention – I am back home. This is my home and I love it; I had a wonderful trip but I am happy to be back. My daughter waited for me at the train station with flowers!! and it was so good to see her after a long trip. Sadly she is leaving to fly back in three days, but at least we will have few days together. We went out for quick dinner and we set in an outdoors café – so nice to see the city still alive at this time of night. And it was just nice to catch up and enjoy each other’s company again.

Visiting my old home a year after I left made me realize how much things changed during that time. I remember the woman I was last year, weak and lost, not sure what is my next step, but determined to start over. A year later I am strong and confident and free. I know I will keep making changes and finding new challenges to conquer but a year later I am at peace, I don’t have to prove anything anymore. My true home is inside me, I am my island of peace, and I am forever free. It is for me to lose it; no one can take it from me. It is such a powerful understanding.

I am thankful to be with my daughter for a few days before she travels back for a visit; I will miss her so much when she is gone. I am thankful to be back home. I am so thankful with the new understandings I reached as a result of this trip – this is really my home, and I feel so much at home here, and I am thankful for all the changes I went through this year.

En Route

Day 154 – I am on my way back home. I will not be able to post it on time since I have no internet connection.
I am thankful for a wonderful trip and I loved every minute of it. I am thankful to be going back home.

Going Back home

Day 153 - After two weeks here I am going back home. Mixed emotions, of course. I am happy to be back in my own home but I leave my loved ones behind. My daughter is very busy right now with the new baby so I didn't get to spend much time with her and saying goodbye was easier. it was a different story to say good bye to my son, knowing it will be months before we meet again. It's breaking my heart to say goodbye, to be so far away from him. But i feel blessed to spend such great time with him, he devoted every moment possible to be with me, and I am thankful beyond words for that. being so far away and knowing we have so little time together actually makes the time we do have so much more meaningful. we talk more and about things that matter and we are actually present.
I am thankful for a wonderful visit, for all the people I saw, for all the friends and especially to my family for such great time. I am thankful for going home and I can't wait to see my youngest daughter, even if only for two days before she flies here for a few weeks.

A Board Game Night

Day 152 – and today a very productive day (in my world, I know some people who would beg to differ). I had a business morning, went to see my daughter and had wonderful time just holding my little granddaughter (she is absolutely adorable), drove with my son to the coastal area, had lunch there, slept on the beach for an hour and after getting back home spent the past 8 hours playing a wonderful board game called ”Axis and Allies”. My son loves this game and I always refused to play it because it’s so elaborate and looked intimidating; it takes an hour just to set up the game!! Luckily he did it yesterday so we could come home and started playing. We are not even half done, but it is so late and he has work tomorrow so I had to “force” him to take a break and we sure will get back to it tomorrow. We played few days ago the game “Risk” which looks very promising on the get go but too much of it is just pure luck. You do have the element of luck here as well, but not to the same degree and you can gage it better, in short a great game for the real gamers. I don’t know why I didn’t play it with him before but we will sure come to it again on my next visit or his visit to our side of the world. This game should come with a warning – if you are a real gamer it’s extremely addictive. So some people might find it a great waste of time but I got to spend a whole evening with my son, doing something he really likes and not many people will play him, so for him it’s a real treat and you also develop strategic thinking and realizing the situation in the world during WWII. How close was the free world to lose the battle to the axis forces and also the different strategies of the allied forces. As a gamer and a history buff – this is a real treat for me too. And I got to see an aspect of my son I rarely see. And I learned something about myself as well – I like strategy games, even though they are difficult for me, and I like these kind of games. I much prefer spending an evening in battle of the game than to sit and watch TV, go to a restaurant and even read a book.
I am so thankful to my son for this very special day. I am thankful to my daughter and her wife for letting me see the baby one more time before I fly back home. I am especially thankful for a great evening of “Axis and Allies” board game.

I Am Not A "Doer"

Day 151 – I just realized I am a master of wasting time. A friend of mine found the time to go for an hour run this morning, take a two hours flight, go shopping for groceries and then also another shopping excursion and do some work while I can’t say I did anything that changed the world. I processed few more pictures on my endless mission of restoration and preservation (one more album done, but I don’t even want to count how many I have to not get discouraged) I had a long talk with my son, not sure of the outcome, but the important thing is the talking; we played a board game for about two hours, which I ended and now I feel like an idiot about that. I went to bring my computer to be fixed and two hours later to pick it up, in short a whole day full of doing things and at the end I feel like I did nothing. I am telling myself that I am not in a quest to do things, that being is just as important, but at the end of the day people are being measured by how much they have achieved, how much they have accomplished and on that scale of the very physical achievements, I don’t have much to show. I can talk as much as I want about other values, but in our world we are measured by how much we do, we are poor or rich by how much we act and go out and get it, about our level of activity. And on that scale, I suck. Can one really live life in a “romantic” or idealistic way and refuse to succumb to the rules? This is a very philosophical question that I want to believe the answer is yes, even though so many are trying to prove me wrong. I refuse to see the bad side of people; I refuse to see the callousness, the ruthlessness.
I cannot write and I don’t make any sense, but I am terribly tired and cannot think.
I will try to correct this tomorrow.
I am thankful had the privilege to be with my kids and develop a softer look on life. I am thankful these are the kind of people I am surrounded with.   I will do my best to keep that. I am thankful I can go to sleep, I am so tired, I can’t even think.

Friday Night Dinner

Day 150 – this evening we were supposed to meet my daughter, her fiancé and their daughter. Half an hour before the time they were scheduled to come, she called and said they will not come since she is crying all day and they are trying to do some new things with her with the hope it will calm her down. Instead we invited few friends and we had a nice evening. I was really looking forward to this evening, having one dinner all the family (almost minus my youngest daughter who stayed in my homeland and will come here after I am back there), but it didn’t work as planned – you can’t really make firm plans with babies. Till it was nice to have these friends come over, especially since they are really good friends and she is going through chemo right now, I actually drove her today to get her treatment, so it is nice to do something for them and a chance for me to see them one more time before I leave. The truth is that I really enjoyed cooking today. I didn’t do much of it in the past year and I sure am getting back to it, now that I am moving to my new apartment and will have room for all my stuff. There is no substitution to good home cooking.
This is my second and last weekend here. I will spend as much time as I can with my son, maybe see a few friends and some work meetings and I am done. It was a long vacation – two weeks. I didn’t accomplish as much as I hoped for but it is what it is. I will have to seriously consider it next time. Maybe I will ask my son to come to me and send him a ticket. I still hope I will be able to see my granddaughter also. But it is going to be a long time before I’ll see her again, before I’ll be here again. For 22 years we lived here and didn’t travel much since we always came in the summers back to see our parents. I am not going to do that again in the other direction. I will come once a year but will not continue the 4 times a year. I can’t afford it and so I’ll just send for my son once or twice a year and will take one real vacation as well. I am very excited about that. So maybe everything is for the better, I will finally get to do my own things as well and not feel bad about going on vacation to wherever I want without feeling guilty about that.
I am thankful for a very lovely evening with family and friends. I am thankful for this great opportunity to cook. I am thankful I still remember how to cook and I still enjoy it so much. I am thankful for the disappointment and for my ability to handle it without being upset. I am thankful I got back my freedom to travel.

A Different Angle

Day 149 – this visit has been an exercise of will for me. I came here with one main purpose – to see my new granddaughter. It was also a chance for me to see my son but the specific dates were chosen to be as close as possible to her birth. I am here but after more than a week I’ve seen her twice for a total of three hours. It is sad especially considering the fact that it will be such a long time before I will come again, I finished all my vacation days for the year. I can choose to be upset, to have negative feelings of any kind, but this can bring no good at all. So, instead I just enjoy the time I have here, I see some friends, I work on my album project and I enjoy spending time with my son, something I didn’t do in a very long time and was really needed. I did see the baby, even if not much and it is more than I expected few months ago, so it is actually something to be thankful for. And, as I said, I got to spend some quality time with my son again something to be very thankful for. He had few rough years and not much of heart to heart talking that we did, so I am very thankful we could do it now. I also had time today to cook dinner, something I didn’t do in a very long time. I used to cook every day for many years and loved it, but almost stopped completely since I moved back to my homeland. Between the lunches I have at work and the too small kitchen I have at home I just barley cook. I realized today how much I missed doing that so I am thankful for that as well. Difficult times are always time for growth, of self-discovery. I am trying to use this visit and its challenges for just that. I also have to realize that the fact I came to visit doesn’t mean it is convenient time for them. They just had a baby, they learn how to be a family, they have to deal with a crying baby and lack of sleep, and I am sure there is so much that is not yet dealt with between us. I came her knowing that it is unclear how much I will be able to see the baby. I did see her and so I am very thankful for that. I will have to work harder and smarter to try to find a way to my daughter’s heart again. But now is not the time. So I am here so it will be her choice to not see me and not that I didn’t care enough to come. So in a few days I will leave in peace. I came, I was here and then I left – anything else is out of my control, so I let go. I take a deep breath, and open my heart, whatever comes is welcome.
I am thankful for a trip of self-discovery. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with my daughter and her family, with her little daughter. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with my son, for the heart to heart talks, some long over-due. I am thankful for all the lessons in my life.

Editing Pictures

Day 148 –
I am thankful I have the time right now to embark on such a monumental work. This will be my biggest present ever to my family. I am thankful about everything concerning this project from the idea to scanning and now editing, I am sure my gratitude will only increase as I work my way through (electronic) mounds of pictures. After a very long day in front of my computer, I am also very thankful I can go to sleep and give some rest to my eyes. not much happened today. I worked most of the day on my albums project. The more I do it, the more I realize the magnitude of the mission I took upon myself. Years ago my oldest daughter took one album from her childhood and now I have asked her for it so I can add it to the project. Today I scanned it. I didn’t see these pictures in many years and so I enjoyed seeing them again. I also bought media CDs so I will have a mean of storing and distributing all these pictures to everyone. I am keeping the files by years and today I finished the first and I am already working on the second. I figured it took us 32 years to go through our life together; it should take at least few months to finish. I will make a copy to each one of us and since I have enough CDs I’ll make a copy to each one of the grandparents. They really don’t have many pictures of us and they missed on most of our life so this will be something they can cherish. After I’ll finish breaking the scanned pages to the individual pictures, restoring each one of them and then I’ll have to present it as a book, not sure yet how I’ll do the presentation of them all. Right now, even though it is such a tedious work, I am very happy I am doing it. I also bought “Photoshop” to have more control and more ability of working with the old pictures and to restore them as much as I can.  This is an amazing program and I am very happy I finally have a chance to learn it.

The Tree of Life

Day 147 – We, my son and I watched the movie” Tree of Life” tonight. At the end of the movie people just stayed in their sits, no one got up. We stood in the parking lot for more than an hour and just talked about it and about life and choices we make. It was very profound conversation that would have never come up if it wasn’t for that movie. Not many times we have the chance to really talk about things in the core of our being and with intense honesty, we just don’t take the time and it doesn’t just come up in a regular conversation. We had to have such a strong trigger to do so. I try to have open channels with my children with different degrees of success, but even then, some things are never brought up. Tonight we closed some gaps. We laughed and we cried, we hugged and told how much we love each other. We brought up things that were under the surface for a very long time and now we finally talked about them. Apologized when apology was in order and made peace with all the facets of our lives.  I will remember this evening for a very long time as a very special one. I feel blessed to be able to have such relationship and such conversation with my son; most parents will never reach that place. To me, there is nothing more dear in life then my children and so every such moment is more important than I can ever express in words. It is very difficult for me to be so far from him, but I hope we will find a way to live again in the same place, and in the mean time we will have to do our very best to keep our communication going. Such weekends, such road trip as we just did, are the building blocks for that.

I am thankful for an amazing evening with my son. I am thankful a 25 years old young man still cares about me and takes the time to talk and to listen, and most of all to open his heart. I am thankful beyond words for the past two days and the so many wonderful hours we spent together. I am the luckiest of moms for that.

Karaoke Club

Day 146 – it was beautiful day today. My son came home yesterday for the summer and he starts working on Wednesday, so we decided to go on a road trip. Like we both enjoy, we did no planning. We were in the car driving somewhere and decided to go. We drove through the city, stopped for lunch somewhere and continued on our way north. We drove through the wine country and could not resist the sign for complimentary wine tasting and went into that winery. It was a beautiful estate and great wines, probably the best wine tasting I had in a very long time, if not the best ever. And we spent there a very long time. We continued on our way and we kept walking into interesting places – a garden with a Very big blue chair (don’t ask – no idea) on which we both took a very long nap; a park with a giant eucalyptus tree that my son just had to climb; an ice-cream shop that everything there was about cows; and a lovely bead store where I could not resist buying some very beautiful beads (a shocker!); in short an amazing day. To finish it off we planned to go to see a movie. We arrived a few minutes early and haven’t eaten all day and so we stepped into a near-by bar to buy something, just to find out they have a karaoke night. We just had to stay. My son performed few songs and enabled me a pick into a part of his life I never saw before and I loved it. He is fun and charming and really got into the music so it was so great to see him like that – I told him he should join a band. He is really good and has a real stage presence and he also sings well. We sang one song together and I also sang one alone. The whole experience was really great and I got to do one more item on my bucket list – to sing in a karaoke bear. Yeeee!!!

I am thankful for an absolutely great day. I am thankful for the wine we tasted and for the wines we bought and now wait to drink. I am thankful for all the little things we did and saw today. I am most thankful for the karaoke singing – I got to do one more thing on my list. One more thing I felt it is pushing the envelope every time a little more. I was a little uncomfortable and I am very happy I did that song. It felt so good while doing it and even more so later. I sang tears in heaven – one of my all times favorite, so I am very thankful for the.

I Found My Home

A Day 145 – it is good to be away for a while. To come here to visit with family and friends, people that chose to live away from our homeland and thus have different point of view about where to live and how to look at the politics and economic situation in our country and the region. And I find myself defending something I was attacking before as well. But a year there made me see things very differently. A year alone also made me realize some truths about myself as well. I am not the same person who left the country 23 years ago, and I am not the same one who left our adoptive country last year and went back home. I hear myself in these arguments and it is so strange. In less than a year I changed so much. I learned what’s important to me, I learned what is not and I am learning to balance it. It is something we so missed here. The identity, the connection, the feeling you belong. After so many years here, I never really felt part of the society, I was always the stranger, and my accent that never goes away, and my lack of understanding of some of the references, the missing words, the communication with my kids and husband in a different language. As much as I hated to admit it I was the outsider, and I was hoping my kids will bridge that. I always thought “they have such a beautiful country” whereas there, even after so many years away, and most of my adult life I still feel like “we have such a wonderful one”; I will always have the desert and the dry forests as part of my soul. I don’t know where my life will take me. I don’t know where I will end-up, but I found a home. After so many years of restlessness, I am finally at home.
I am thankful for every meeting like that, for every heated argument; it made me realize that important notion. I am thankful I found a place that feels like home to me. I know I will be at home anywhere I live and I know if my kids will all be here, I will come back as well. But I found a home and I am thankful for that.

Being an Immigrant

A Day 144 – Yesterday I went to a 40^th birthday and a farewell party, all in the same time. They came here three years ago, like so many others and it is so tempting to stay, life is simpler, not so much pressure, you make more money, and the opportunities are great – the sky is the limit. But then you start looking at the people who are here for a very long time and you hear all too often the regret of no going back home when it was still a valid option, the feeling if being trapped here when it’s too late to change. So some do go back after many years and some are going back before they feel they had enough, just so they will not be in the regret position, (and some of course love it and happy here). My friends decided to go back when it still feels like more. The party was fun but there is an undertone of sadness, she is going back because her head tells her it’s the right decision but she is leaving her heart here.

Today it was a graduation party I attended. The girl is 18, and lovely, full of life expectations, looking with bright eyes to the future. She will start college in three months. Her family is the one torn. Her brother is in the military in our homeland, her mom really wants to go back and her dad doesn’t. There are so many such families. And each one of us finds himself on the spectrum in a different position; each of us has a story to tell and a pain we bury deep inside, kids with blurry identity. How much are they really like their peers here and how much they are different, more like the parents, like the “old world”. It is the story of this place. People are coming from all over the world, looking for the opportunities they don’t have at home and we all carry the scars. The families we left behind, living as a foreigner, the accent that always gives us away, sometimes even the color of our skin, and the most painful of all – we go back to burry our aging parents, too many times with no time to say good bye ; and we endure it all in the hope to create a better world, a better opportunities for our children. But the catch is that if our kids actually make it as we hoped when we came here, then there is actually a little gap between us, “The old world”, and them “The new world”, so we create a divide, a tear in our own nuclear family. And sadly this one you learn after many years here, no one can prepare us for that one. The” BIG one”.

So what am I thankful for? I am thankful for the opportunities we had here for so many years. I am thankful for many wonderful years. I am thankful I am back before I had to burry my parents, and got to spend some quality time with them. I am thankful that my younger daughter is looking for her identity now and in our homeland and maybe she will not be so confused later in life. I am thankful for the opportunity to sort and re-evaluate my choices. I am thankful for my life.

Superwoman

Day 143– last time I was here I talked about a friend of mine who is going through chemo and was in a very low point. She was very weak back then, to the point she called me one day to come to her home and help her get out of her car and into bed, since she was so weak and couldn’t do it on her own. That picture of her being so exhausted stuck with me. I went to visit her a day after my arrival here, two days ago and she said she feels much stronger and she looked better, but we were at her house and she did get tired after about an hour, so I didn’t realize how much better she is right now. Today she called me and asked if I feel like going out to lunch and she came with her car to pick me up. We had a lovely time and i was amazed at the change. She already cleaned her house this morning and burned a CD for a friend. She was full of energy, almost as much as before and I loved it. I am amazed how well she's coping with this ordeal. blogging away and facebooking to the world, including pictures of herself totally bold. I am amazed by her courage and resilience. I hope that if i will have to face this disease i will be able to do it with the same level of openness and with the same strength of character. I hope that when I will be put to the ultimate test I will raise to the challenge. I would love to think I will, I have some reasons to believe I will, but we can never know until put to the test. Time and again it brings back the importance of the human spirit. A disease might get into our body, even claim our body, but it can never claim our spirit and soul if we don’t allow that.

I am thankful for this long term relationship that gets stronger with time. I am thankful I was there when she was at such low point and I am so thankful she chose to go out to lunch with me when she got her strength back. I am thankful for this amazing example of the human spirit, it taught me so much about my friend and about myself.

Down Memory Lane

Day 142– When I left home, almost a year ago I took almost nothing with me, just two small suitcases. I removed my personal stuff from the house and put it in storage, but I didn’t take anything that was common stuff, I figured that I am the one who left and I leave behind too much pain as it is, do I didn’t want to cause any more pain by taking things that where dear to my husband as well. That included albums. I decided to scan all the albums and this way to have an electronic copy of them all. The only problem was that it was a monumental size work and I didn’t finish it, to be more precise, I didn’t finish even half of it. And so I left it behind but it keeps nagging me, I didn’t finish the mission, and more importantly, I don’t have pictures of my family throughout the years, of 31 years of marriage.
So since I have a lot of time on my hands and I am here alone, I decided to complete the job. For the past two days I scan albums from morning till night, I also fix them, since some of them are old and pictures are falling. I realized that there are few more positive outcomes.

·         First of all – our children are all adults now and none of them lives at home anymore, so they don’t have a copy of their own history – this way I can create a copy for each one of them

·         And the second one – the pictures are fading. The chemicals they used on some of them are not good I guess, and some of the pictures are in bad shape. This way, on electronic form, we keep it as good as it is right now, and maybe I can even restore some of them

·         Third one – I was always paranoid about the pictures, what if we’d have fire, or flooding, or earthquake and the pictures will be destroyed. For that reason I always kept the negatives as well, but now it is so much easier. We will have five copies in different locations; the pictures are much safer this way

·          And the last one – we don’t really take the time to look at albums, but if it runs on the computer or in an electronic picture, we will see it, so we bring back lost memories as well

I was scanning the pictures and the memories came flooding in. some good, some not so, but I had a great time. We forget so much, it is actually scary. The pictures are serving as a memory holder, and so I relived days long gone, events and times long forgotten; few tears, many laughs and especially wonderment, how thirty years had gone by.
I am thankful for this great idea that I was able to carry out. Instead of being sad that my daughter does not have much time for me to come and see the baby, when all I got here are less than two weeks, I found something great to do with my time that I needed to be here to do it. I am thankful that no one was here with demands on my time, and so I was able to scan thousands of pictures and over twenty albums. I am thankful for this opportunity to revisit my past in a very pleasant way and to enjoy so many moments of tenderness one more time. I am thankful we were always so good about taking pictures and so were able to capture so many wonderful moments from our lives. Coming from families of holocaust survivors I know what the meaning of living without any picture of loved ones and I am thankful we have them and can transfer them to the next generation.

My Granddaughter

Day 141 – I just saw my little granddaughter!! She is so cute. They came and she was asleep so I had to wait until she woke up and ate but it was so nice even just to watch her and hear all the little sounds she makes in her sleep. She has the sweet smell of a newborn – the best smell possible – and she makes these little gestures and makes her little sounds… it’s funny how much entertainment one little baby can be. After she ate I got to hold her. What can I say, it’s almost overwhelming - a little bundle of joy, cliché but so true. I know I’ll miss so much in her life but at least for the next two weeks, I hope to see as much of I can of her.
We came from families that were almost wipe off during the holocaust, for a family like that to see yet one more generation, for my dad to have great-grandchildren, 3 within one month, is a blessing almost beyond comprehension. She has no blood connection to him, but still, it is his great granddaughter by adoption, and the family is getting larger and lots of little ones are joining us and it is so optimistic, so much a continuation of a line that was almost extinct.

I am thankful that I finally got to see and hold my granddaughter. I am so thankful that with all the tension that was here before, we managed to bridge it enough so they felt ok to include me in their happiness at this special time in their life.

Here for a short visit

Day 140 – I am in my old home now. It was a long and tiring flight because the guy who sat next to me was very big and overflew into my space and he snored very loudly, in short a very interesting flight, and I barely slept. So I am very tired and I think I will go to sleep in a few minutes.
I didn’t get to see the baby today but I will tomorrow.
But right now I am so tired that I am actually thankful for going to sleep.                                                                      

A Trip to See My Granddaughter

Day 139 – I am in the train now on my way to the airport. I am flying back to where I used to live for so many years. I was there last month, but since then my little granddaughter was born and so I am flying back now to see her for the first time. I am very excited about that, of course, a new stage in life and it has to be celebrated properly. This is what separates one day from the next, slowing down for one moment the rat race we all engage in and just look around, enjoy what we see, appreciate every moment on its own. So this new experience is what this trip is all about. I know of course that I will not spend two weeks only looking at her and I will do some other things as well, but I will keep them mellow so it will be remembered as my granddaughter trip. It’s so funny, being away and so not so much into the whole pregnancy and delivery makes it a little more remote and it didn’t really sink-in yet. But I am sure that the next two weeks will do it and at the end of the visit it will be so different than now. I am happy to go there and see her, see my oldest daughter, and my son will back from college for the summer, so I’ll get to spend some time with him, without having to fly between the two places; so overall a very good trip. The only down side is that I leave my youngest daughter here and so I will not see her now for two weeks, and two or three days after I come back she flies out for a month to see the baby and her siblings, whom she didn’t see now for half a year. That means that we will not see each other for a month and a half. This never happened to us before and it makes me be even happier that I decided to stay here. I don’t know how we would have done that. At some point you learn to be away from your kids, you learn to let  go, but I am so thankful that time is not here yet.

I am thankful for this coming trip. I am thankful I can afford to travel and see my children and granddaughter; I am so excited to see them.  I am thankful that I have such a wonderful job and wonderful boss, so understanding and flexible that would let me travel like that. I am thankful for the tears my youngest daughter shed, not many parents still have such great connection with an adult child, I know that and I am extremely thankful for all her love. This year was an amazing bonding experience for us, and I am thankful for that. It is something I’ll always cherish.

I Count My Blessings

Day 138 – how do you make every day special? How do I find something new every single day? After four and a half months of writing it is time to ask this question. When I started this blog I wanted to make sure I will not take things for granted, that will be so appreciative of everything around me, that I will not let a day pass without taking a moment to be thankful for it. I didn’t want my days to blend into each other, to lose sight of the fact that of the so many days that I have to walk this earth, another day just passed.  As we near the end of life it seems to pick up speed and loose its significance and if I don’t want that to happen I have to pause, and smell the roses every day of my life. For too many years I lived just watching from the sideline instead of being a main player in my very own game. I will never do that again. And this is how it all started. And now I am standing here, four and a half months later,  asking myself what I am thankful for tonight.

 I guess I needed that reminder; and I lift my head, take a deep breath and smile again. I stretch my hands wide as if in a big hug, and I know what I am thankful for. I lived through another day, I worked and I had time to do some shopping, I had a few phone calls, send a few email… I am alive and doing well. I have my wonderful daughter here with me tonight. She came back especially to spend this evening and tomorrow afternoon with me before I fly to see my oldest daughter and her newborn baby, to see my son. She took a 3 hours bus ride just to be with me for a few hours. I am thankful beyond words for that. I have kids I love so much, a life I enjoy, I have people I care for, and I will recover one day and will find new love as well. I count my blessings every day and I am here to enjoy it all. What else can I ask for?

I am thankful I woke up this morning and I am thankful that I seems like I will go to sleep peacefully tonight, for living through another day, I am thankful for my life as they are, full of wonders. And today I am thankful for this act of love by my daughter who came here to spend the last day with me before I leave.
I just saw this statement – “when I count my blessings, I count you twice”  l o v e  it!!

Weekend Routine

Day 137 – we had a nice hike today. It’s getting a little more difficult as the weather gets warmer and the humidity increase, but it was still much fun. We drove to the beach later and stayed there almost until sunset. It was a perfect ending to a wonderful day. There were again few people I never met before and so our circle of friends grows all the time. It became a routine – almost every weekend we are going on a hike and when it becomes a routine I cannot keep bringing it up, that was one of the rules. But I am still very happy about this routine – I have the week that is mainly devoted to work and evenings that are time to enjoy with my daughter, that are the highlight of every day, even if I don’t mention it, and then there are the weekends with Saturdays devoted to hiking trips almost every week. It is a wonderful routine, it separate week days from weekends in a natural flow, it makes every weekend stand out and be celebrated. It makes me go out and breath fresh air, I engage in a healthy activity that keeps me in a good shape, I enjoy the great outdoors, and I get to meet new people almost every time we go out; it fills my weekend with laughter and joy. You hear it many times that when one lives alone the days out of work are the most difficult ones, being alone in the house with nothing to do, for me the weekend are something I am waiting for, it’s a highlight not a depressing time. Routine sounds like something so boring and here I am waiting for my routine for the weekend. and it’s not really a routine – we do go hiking but every week we do it in a different place and the combination of the group is different every time, so it is always new and fresh even if has the same name – hiking.
I am thankful for being able to hike every weekend and get to know my country again after so many years away. I am thankful for friendships formed on the trails. I am thankful for the fun and joy this routine brings to my life.

Secrets and Lies

Day 136 – another Friday, still my favorite morning. Waking up with no alarm, steaming coffee, something to eat and then, time to start planning the day.

I talked to my mother-in-law and she sounded really depressed. So I almost forced her to come to dinner with me. She didn’t want to but I know her alternative – staying home alone. Not really an option since it will only make things worse for her. So we went out to a restaurant near my house and we were there for almost 3 hours. It was really nice. We had a good talk and good food – what else one can ask for.  After dinner I brought her home I went to see a movie named ” The day I was not born”. A very strong movie about a woman in her twenties that finds out by accident that the people that raised her as parents all her life are not her real parents and her quest to find out the truth, a very painful and unsettling truth. When her parents died this couple instead of returning her to her many relatives who were looking for her, decided to take her with them and left the country, raising her as their own, never even telling her they are not her natural parents. It raises many questions of course about loyalty, about meaning of parenthood, about living a lie as your life. This is a very interesting subject and a very well done movie. It brings back many questions I had to deal with in the past.

One of my friends found out she was adopted last year during a funeral and at the age of 36. I don't know how you come to terms with something like that. It is very easy to lie to a child. They are innocent and they still accept authority, and they grow up with this lie as a given truth. But lie can only live for so long and the consequences of that lie can take a life time to fix and many times even a life time is not long enough. All one can say is sorry, which can do nothing to fix the damage, to bring back sanity to this devastating realization.

I am thankful for time that heals everything and helped me overcome some devastating lies in my past. I am thankful for the wisdom that comes with age and helped me see beyond that painful past and allowed me to fully appreciate the main players in my life. I am thankful for the power to forgive and the great presents in life I got when I was finally able to do that. And I a especially thankful for being able to reconcile all the different facets of my life into one big wholeness, that I am so happy to live.

Party Time

Day 135 – My daughter and her friends (11 of them) went to a party tonight not far from where I live. She talked about it for more than a week and asked if it’s OK that they all sleep here, since they live two hours away and there are no buses in the middle of the night. I said OK but was not sure how exactly they can all fit into my tiny apartment. I wasn’t even sure if they can all fit in standing. But as you know, I rented a new apartment yesterday. The landlord was very nice and even though I don’t take possession until the 10^th of June, he allowed her to be there with all her friends. There is no furniture in the apartment, it’s completely empty, and I don’t even have enough blankets for 12 people. We tried to get some sleeping bags from friends but without much success. but today at work I got a great idea. I suddenly remembered that during the event we had at work two days ago we purchase many blankets since it was so cold. so I contacted the right person and asked if I can borrow 6 blankets until Sunday and of course he said yes; problem solved! So I am staying in my apartment tonight and don’t have to sleep at a friend’s house and my daughter is having a great time with her friends at our new apartment; one more reason to be thankful about this new place of ours. I said it already yesterday, I am so happy we found it, I am so thankful for the opportunity to live in a bit more luxury after almost a year to live in a place that was not really good enough, in a way we lived like squatters. not enough room for anything. I will be very happy to live in my new and much bigger apartment and to friends come over, something I couldn't do here.

I am thankful for an act of kindness of my new landlord, who allowed my daughter and her friends to sleep in the apartment that technically is not ours yet. And I am thankful for the very cold night in our event, that forced us to buy blankets, same blankets I borrowed today. I am thankful for all the joy a large group of kids can bring, and they can fill a whole house, not only a room with their wonderful energy and laughter. I am thankful that they are having a good time and that my daughter is so happy tonight. She went through so much in the past few months and I am so thankful to see here happy again.

Here To Stay

Day 134 – Today was a very quiet day at work, exactly what I needed at the end of very hectic time. After work I went with my daughter to the beach and we stayed there for a few hours. I said few weeks ago that I have to do it more – so here I am, in the middle of the week and on the beach – how lucky I am to be able to do just that. I love the beach and I love seeing the sea and to be able to do it whenever I feel like it, is something I am very thankful for. We came home and I decided to take a look at the “apartments for rent” ads, I didn’t have time to do it in the past few days. And I saw few ads that where of interest to me. I placed a few phone calls (love it that it I can call at 9pm and still be able to see on the same night. We went to see an apartment that sounded very interesting on paper and it really was. Nice big rooms, full of light, 3 porches, and in very good condition. In short, I told him on the spot that we are taking it. Tomorrow I’ll sign the lease and when I come back from my visit to see my new granddaughter, we will move. I said it several times already, the apartment that I have right now is way too small and we needed the extra room and the extra storage. And I need a place where we can invite people and actually have a place for them to sit. I want a place that feels like home and not a transient place. I am staying here, I don’t have to pretend like I can grab my things any minute and run. It is not only an apartment that I have found today, it is a statement that I am here to stay. And this is definitely something to be thankful for.

I am thankful for the apartment I live in now; it did its job perfectly. It gave me shelter and base and stability, at times I needed to rebuild my life anew. I am thankful that I am now in a position to make such big decision as to living here for another year or two at least, that I have found peace and direction. I am thankful I found this new apartment that will upgrade my life so much.