Saying Goodbye

Day 223– I was waiting today at the dentist office and the TV was, on and with nothing better to do, I watched. It was a very interesting piece about death and how we as a society and as individuals deal with it. They talked about this feeling of a “heavy cloud” of sadness that is hovering in the homes of very old people and in the homes of those about to die. It’s the fear of death and the eminent separation and the fact that people don’t usually talk about these things. Every time we leave the home of the dying person we fear it will be the last time we’ll see them, yet we don’t say a real good-bye. We have to initiate that “official farewell” so we’ll have a chance to do it and in our own way. He talked about a dear friend who chose to die at home and in one of his last days they brought an expansive Champaign and both couples just had a toast. So simple, yet so beautiful and meaningful. We are afraid of death and we try to ignore it as if it is not the end of all of us. We don’t talk about it, we don’t acknowledge it. We rarely say good bye to our friends who are about to pass on, we are just so scared, so no wonder the dying person is in so much stress as even anger sometimes. It is not the right way to die. If we believe that we leave each other only for a while, if we understand that the living always carry the dead with them, it will be easier to leave this world. And without getting into the issue of reincarnation, we really carry in our heart every one we know who died. We think about them, we do some of the stuff due to their influence on us, we are the bridge. I don’t think we could have made it through some of our deeper grieves without this presence of the dead in our daily lives. We are missing the corporal body, but the spirit is timeless and it is always available if we just look inside us for it. I hope that when my time comes I will not be afraid and I will not be angry.  I hope I can be gracious and actually be able to help my family and friends to deal the coming death. I hope to live a life that will be worthy of my death.

I am thankful I was there for this program. It was funny; I just pulled out a pen and a piece of papers and started writing; probably a first for the clinic.  I am thankful for this subject that as much as people don’t like to talk about it, we have to prepare our heart for that moment. I am thankful he opened my eyes to look at the dying person’s feelings and how scared he is. I am thankful it gave me the opportunity to evaluate my behaviors and my assumptions. I am thankful for all the dead people in my life, and for the imprint of their feet upon the sands of my soul.