On Their Way Here!!!

Day 306 -   my oldest daughter, her fiancé and their little daughter, my little granddaughter, are on their way here right now!! After more than 5 months I will get to see them again. I am so excited. Since I moved here I tried to be back home every 3 – 4 months but this cycle was longer since I had a situation at work that I could not leave for a week or two, so her I am, home bound and so happy to see them. I met my granddaughter for a few days only right after she was born and all this huge development for a tiny baby to a one that babbles, and smile and lough and so much more, I just heard from my daughter but I could not be there and witnessed it firsthand. And now they are coming to visit; more for the great grandparents that don’t really travel anymore. My parents will come and stay with me this coming weekend so they’ll have more chances to see the baby. My ex-mother in law is also very excited and starting to plan meals, and my youngest daughter is hoping to get a day off from base so she can see them as well. So we are all very excited about this visit, and counting the hours...

And I already decided I will not wait for so long again, no matter what the reason is. No one is indispensable, so if I’ll go, someone will just have to do the urgent things in my job, and the rest will wait for me. It is part of what I took upon myself when I decided to leave my children behind and move here; it is my job to keep in touch with them. So in March or April I will go again to visit there. But right now I am thinking not about my next visit but about the one that about to begin in a few hours.

  

I am so thankful for this wonderful visit and I can’t wait to see them and hug them. I am thankful for the next few days that will be filled with joy; I can’t wait for it to start.

  

Dropping Our Masks

Day 305 – Most of the time we connect with people on a very superficial level. We wear our masks very tight and we keep our pains and problems very closed and guarded. Many people do that, I know I did for so many years; everything is always dandy on the surface even in the midst of a storm. And then two and a half years ago I decided I had enough of that and as the pressure at home became unbearable and I was determined to leave, I opened up to one friend, dropped my masks and shared with her my confusion, and pain, shared with her the turmoil I was in at the time. As I found out later, when you open up to people it can go both ways, some will get scared and run for cover while others will take the opportunity and open up as well, which brings the friendship to a whole new level, much deeper and more meaningful. She was of the second kind, and even though we knew each other for many years, we only then got to really know each other. We talked for hours and she is the one who suggested I should talk to the therapist before making such a big move, and she was there for me through all the last half year as I was getting ready to leave. I really needed this friendship and support and she was wonderful. When I came here I made the conscious decision to never put on these masks again. Now that I am answering only to myself it was much easier to make this kind of decision. Not everyone can handle this kind of honesty, I did lose some friends in the past year, but I gained so much more, I gained some very deep and meaningful friendships in which honesty and openness are the name of the game; and it suits me well. I’d rather have fewer friends but good ones. I was reminded of that time in my life today when I met my friend, she is here for a short visit and is leaving next week. We met and talked for a few hours and it felt like old times, except that I am in a much better place in my life and so sure that the step I took was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself.  I can barely remember the depressed and scared woman I was two years ago, now that I am so free and happy, so independent. I watch the struggle some of my friends are going through right now and I am so thankful it is all behind me.

   

I am thankful for meeting my friend again after we missed each other in her last few visits. I am thankful for all she did for me then, for all her help and support. This was a very sad visit for her and I am thankful I was here and able to support her a little. We all take turns in being weak sometimes and needing a loving friend, I am thankful I was able to be one of those friends for her, just as she was for me on my time of need. And of course I am most thankful I got to visit my daughter who stayed on base this weekend, bring her food and spend some quality time with her. I am thankful for a great weekend.

A Very Dramatic Sunset

Day 304 – Yesterday on my way to class I saw the most amazing sunset I ever seen. I stopped right away and pulled to the side of the road and kept taking pictures until this moment in time was over. I never saw anything like it before. And today I decided to not only add this picture to my growing collection of sunsets but also to put it on my wall. I developed it to 10X12 picture and framed it and I think I will make it even bigger. A while back I decided to start decorating my walls with my own photos; I did put one picturethen and today, still in awe from the amazing sight yesterday, I went to the photo shop and developed 10 pictures' some of themf them are photos of sunsets and sunrises and some from my desert trip two weeks ago. They did not have enough frames in the store, so I’ll go back next week to get more frames and hang them all. Right now I have 5 pictures of my own creations decorating my home. It makes me feel so happy. At the shop they thought I am using a professional camera and were amazed that I use my tiny snapshot camera to capture all those great moments and places, and it made me very happy.

   

I am thankful I am slowly developing a photographer eye; I always carry a camera in my bag, especially for those fleeting moments. I am so happy I was there at the right time to capture this amazing and unusual picture. I never seen anything like it and I don’t know if I will again, I am so thankful I happen to drive by. I am most thankful for the great idea to decorate my house with my pictures; I enjoy seeing them all the time, and I am so thankful I can take picture good enough to be hanging on my walls.

  

My New Creative Writing Class

Day 303 – I was very disappointed last week when I got a call from my creative writing instructor that the meeting was canceled. Two days ago she called that she decided to move me to the advanced class that will take place today just before my painting class. And I should bring the introduction I wrote last week. It was a nice surprise to find one of my friends from my singing group here in this class as well. And I met few new and very creative people; the good thing is that even though they are meeting for more than two years, I fell right in. I read my introduction piece (instead of the assignment they had) and they all loved it. They said it was very powerful; a bombshell is the description they used. I also got some constructive ideas of how to make it better; they felt it was an introduction to a 500 pages book. In short they all accepted me right in and it made me very happy. Slowly I realize that people do like my writing and my writing style, and it makes me think maybe I am not mistaken when I want to publish my book and write more. At the end of the meeting they agreed I belong in this group. So I am very excited to see how it will transpire.

  

I am thankful for a very interesting and exciting creative writing class. I am thankful for the opportunity to get some constructive comments about my writing to make it better. I am thankful they accepted me as part of the group. I am thankful for this push to get back into writing my book.

Being Sad and Lonely

Day 302 - I came home today around 6 pm, took my dog for a walk and an hour later I was back home and didn’t leave anymore. It’s kind of sad sometimes to lock my home at 7 pm and know that I will not go out anymore, nor anyone will come to visit. I’m getting lonely sometimes. But then I remind myself that this is how life works. I will have a huge surge upwards and then the wave will subside and it will feel like withdrawal, and a lull. So I am on the low tide now. The great energy from few days ago is washed and I feel a little drained, and a little sad for being so alone, for having no one in my life right now. But I know these feelings are temporary and I know that in a few days all will be well again. So I allow myself to just be with that heavy feeling and with the sadness and not try to do anything to alleviate the pain, just breath into it and listen. There are so many lessons I can get from that simple act of acceptance.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be on a little less happy note today. I am thankful for the gifts I get for allowing myself to be sad and to slow down. I am thankful I already know the pattern and I am ready and willing to accept it. I am thankful for being sad and lonely, for the gifts it brings me.     

It's Raining Cats and Dogs

Day 301 - I live in a very dry country. A country where rain is a news worthy subject; a country where you pray for rain; have songs for rain; have a daily report of how much exactly it rained in every big city; a country where the winter is so short and unpredictable. And I just totally ignored it. I cannot believe that for the past two days it’s raining cats and dogs here and I still didn’t write about it.  I didn’t even mention that our city and the vicinity had the record rains for the country in the past 24 hours, and the way it feels today, we might break the record again. So I am here today to take care of this short sightedness. To correct what I erred. Our city sits on a mountain and goes all the way to the sea, so in some areas you can see ”rivers” flowing down the steep streets and it’s a big challenge to cross them. And of course in down town, at the bottom of the hills, there are areas that are flooded. And this is where I work. So Yesterday I just took my crocs to work and figured the water will just go in and out and at work I changed to something a little more appropriate. Another problem I never had before is my dog. She is not trust worthy as to her bathroom manners and I don’t leave her at home alone when I go to work. I have a very big porch, where she can play, has her food and even a bathroom area. The problem is that the porch is shaded but not water proofed. With the rains and the heavy winds I didn’t want to leave her all day outside. So I put her in her crate, but I don’t like that. I know it is ok if she stays for 8 hours in her crate, but I like it so much better when she is free to roam. I might make room for her in the other porch that is a closed one. I have a lot of stuff there, so I’ll need a weekend to make room for her there, but it might be the solution for the rainy season. I really like the rain, as much as it sounds like complaining. It washes everything and makes the air so clean and crisp again. It brings hope and the promise of a good tomorrow. And what’s better than to take a hot shower, and go with a good book to bed when it’s raining outside? Well, I know the answer to that, but since I have no one to cuddle with when the winds are blowing and its raining outside, I’ll make do with my book.

I am thankful for a very rainy day. I am thankful for the promise it brings with it, of good crops and enough water in the summer. I am thankful for a cold and windy evening where I already enjoyed a hot cup of tea and now I am about to continue the ritual of winter – hot bath and early bedtime, with a fuzzy music and a great book; It gives me a chance to make up for the lack of sleep when the days are nice. I am thankful for a real winter day.  

So Much to be Thankful For

Day 300 - I have many things to be thankful for today, but it is day 300 of my blog, a very significant milestone. When I set out to blog for a 1000 days I didn’t realize how long 1000 days really are. I also didn’t think it will become such an integral part of my life, of my evening ritual. No matter how tired I am; if I am traveling or at home, not even if I have very important guests that need my full attention. I find the time and get into the mindset of blogging and just do it. I start my morning with my morning pages – hand written unedited 3 pages immediately as I get out of bed and I finish my day with this blog, that his rules are very different. It can be edited, it must have a picture, and it is about something I am thankful for on that particular day, it summarizes my days and emphesizes the highlights in them, the hope, the happiness. One of my friends is making fun of me for all this writing and says I should live instead of writing. But I think I do and the writing actually helps me think, digest and plan; especially the morning pages. If I face a particular problem or issue I am not sure how to handle, I just go and take my notebook and write it down, and the writing clarifies it for me and helps me come to a solution. It also improves my writing all the time, again it teaches me to think and communicate through the written word. Since I am working on a book, it is definitely an important tool for that as well. And the blog just helps me stay optimistic, it reminds me every day how happy I am for another day that I live and well and doing what I want; and in the same time it pushes me to do things, since I cannot write every day that I am happy nothing happened. Now that I think about it, my morning pages are my inward journey and my blog is my life in the outside world and together they bring a nice balance in my life. 

  

I am thankful for arriving at such an important milestone with my blog. I am thankful for the routine I developed and the added value and clarity it brings into my life; I started it as an exercise in happiness, I never thought it will bring so much goodness into my life and I am very thankful for that. I am thankful for a much anticipated phone call that came in the middle of the night and was such a nice way to fall asleep; I am thankful for the annual checkup I did today and with great results; I am thankful for a really good book I bought today that I am planning to take with me to bed in a few minutes; I am thankful I have so much to be thankful for!!

Just a Regular and Uneventful Day

Day 299 -   I sit here every evening and write something I am thankful for on that particular day. there are days when I have to choose what I am going to write about since so much happened and then there are days when I have really nothing to say. These are the days that are testing my resolve and challenging me – what is it in my life in a day that I just went to work and back home – what is there to write about that I didn’t write yet? And work is not really such an exciting subject to talk about. Today was one of those days. I did meet my deadline at work and I had a meeting to cover all my findings; it was suppose to be one hour and it was more than four hours, but at the end of it all was covered. And after work I went with a friend of mine to the gym to the Pilates class. I wrote about it once and it still is my favorite class there. I didn’t get a phone call I am expecting but I think that saying nothing is saying something as well. In short, a very regular day and nothing really exciting to report; except for the fact that I had no bad news as well. Everyone in my family is alive and well, I feel good and had a very lovely evening with my friend and at the gym. It’s really cold and windy today so I am already dreaming about my hot shower and warm bed, in short, all is good.

I am thankful for an uneventful day. I am thankful for the continued health of all my family members. It is not a given and I am truly thankful for every healthy day, healthy moment. I am thankful to my friend for joining me to the gym and for the early dinner we ate before. I am thankful for good things and bad, I am thankful I am here to experience them.  

An Amazing Artist's Date

Day 298 -   On Thursday our art teacher gave us invitations to an opening of a very special exhibition in town. A one man show of an amazing artist – Viktor Lipkin; he is working with recycled materials – doors, clothes, keys, natural materials and creates the most amazing things I’ve seen in a long time. I had to go to work again today so, before I decided to go to the opening of the show. I was so happy I did it. Usually I don’t like recycled stuff, but he paints on it and have a very strong message in every one of his pieces. And you can see that he is not doing it because he cannot draw, on the contrary he is an amazing painter as well. There were few woodcuts of his as well and each one is something that takes your breath away. So I came for this show and I found out that he is also teaching on Tuesday mornings so I think this Tuesday I am going to enjoy few hours of painting with another teacher. In the same building  at the same time there wasan opening of a show of another artist Hadasa Lavi and few of her pieces brought tears to my eyes. it is not the same quality of work as Viktor’s but it is very introspective and from a woman’s point of view. I went to talk to her and told her that some brought me to tears and she wanted to know which ones. I showed her and she told me – so I know a lot about you now, we have to meet. I gave her my card and I hope we will. But it just spoke directly to my heart – the struggle, the sealed dreams, and the unheard cry for help. I came out of the exhibits and went right away to buy some charcoal and glue.  And on my way to work I stopped and collected some special dry materials near the beach and I know what I am going to do in the next few days – a lot of art work.

I am so thankful I went to see the opening of the shows, it evoked something very deep and primal in me. I am on my first steps as an artist but these two shows gave me a huge push and the drive to explore new media and new ways of expression. I am so thankful for such a wonderful artist date, the best I ever had.

A Creative Work Day

Day 297 -   I am working against a very tight deadline at work and I had so many things to do this week, this particular project had to be put on back burner, but it is due on Sunday morning, which implies many hours of work this weekend. So I am not going on a hiking trip this weekend and instead going to enjoy some work time. I would rather do something else, but I really have no choice. But I decided to do it my way. I woke up very late this morning – after 9 and it was so great. I did my morning pages, which I didn’t miss even once since I started about 4 months ago, and I took my dog for a walk, and I spent some quality time with my daughter. It was so great to have a relaxed time, go to a café have some great pastry and just talk. I drove her to the bus station and did my usual Friday afternoon thing, namely spend my afternoon with a book on the beach and watch the sunset. Only then, when it was already dark and chilly I started to work. I left 4 hours later and I was so happy it actually gave me an idea. Since I have a flexible work time I can do once a week a 1pm-9pm or even 2pm to 10pm. This way I get to enjoy late wake-up, and some quality time when the sun is still out and go to work later. I think it’s a great idea. I will not feel as if I am wasting all my days at work. And I’ll get to enjoy some sunlight; all good and important things for my happiness. I was so upset about it a few weeks ago and this might be a creative solution for that. I am home and happy now, for I got to enjoy my day and still get few hours of work into it. I am going now to watch a movie in my PJs as a nice ending to such a wonderful day.
  

I am thankful I had such a great day, even though I had to include in it a few hours of work. I am thankful for an opportunity to be on the beach and enjoy the warmth of the day and a beautiful sunset in the middle of November. I am thankful for every day of my life whether a good day or bad, I am alive and well and that’s what counts, that’s what it’s all about.

For a Good Night Sleep

Day 296 -   It is Thursday night and I am exhausted after a long week of very late hours, very little sleep time, so I am going to give myself a very special gift. I am going to bed; I am going to enjoy 7 hours of sleep tonight and get up tomorrow morning and be all refreshed and ready to better face the world. When I did the program “The Artist’s Way” one of the commitments was for a good night sleep, and I have to admit I let this one slide too many times. And this past week was particularly bad. So an act of pure love is starting in a few minutes. I am going to post this little entry, take a shower and go to sleep.

  

I am thankful I can take some time for myself, and just enjoy the simple things in life. I am thankful I can have a good night sleep, and can’t wait for it to start. I am thankful for yet another wonderful drawing class today, I am not posting anything but I made another cute little drawing. I think I am going to buy some charcoal and try that medium as well. Now I am even more excited, and I am thankful for that.

An Introduction

Day 295 -   I had to write a piece about myself for my creative writing class. My class is tomorrow, so I had to write it by today. I went this evening to pick up my daughter from the train station and since I arrived early I went across the street to the beach and set in one of the many cafés. I started writing and the words just flew. The idea was to peel me like an onion. I am so many things, I have so many roles, so who I really am? I am a grandmother and a mother and a daughter and a granddaughter, I am a wife and a friend and an employee. I am the courage to move back here and all my hiking trips. I am my dreams and my hopes and my sorrows, so who am I under all these layers? What is the essence of my being? I ended the piece in the state of mind when I am on the meditation pillow, the nothingness inside me, the calm, the full potential all concentrated into one point. It was a very interesting exercise. I am sure I'll have to go back and edit it many times, but I love the idea of layers, the thought of who we really are behind all our masks and all our different roles; what is our essence? And I truely believe that our potential and our dreams are what make us unique.

 

I am thankful for a lovely evening on the beach. I am thankful that in mid-November I can still go to the beach and enjoy the scene, relax and let the calm of the water wash away my day. I am thankful for the inspiration to write the introduction entry. I am thankful to the great creator for giving me the permission to create.  I am thankful for the realization of my potential.

Guess Who is Coming to Dinner

Day 294 -   It took 477 days; 183 of it before I started my blog and 294 days of blogging to get to this point; 477 since we moved here, and finally we had our first visitors in our apartment, we had our first guests for dinner. I used to take if so much for granted, to have people over for dinner, I did it all the time, but with my tiny apartment before and not too many friends, it's been a while. It is very exciting, an important step in rooting ourselves deeper into this wonderful place we decided to call home, and we couldn’t have better guests. My dear, dear friend and his very sweet daughter. The girls spent the afternoon together and i did some shopping and cooked dinner when I came back from work. by the time they drove to pick him up and bring him here, i had time to finish all the cooking, set the table and even had time to take my dog out for a little walk and enjoy some wonderful music. We had great wine that I brought in my last visit, great food and most of all great company. in short, a wonderful evening. It made me realize how much I miss this warm feeling of family and guests. How much I love doing that.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful evening, full of laughter and joy. I am thankful for all the warm and fuzzy feelings this evening evoked in me. I am thankful for a wonderful company.        

An Evening at the Mall

Day 293 -   During the week I am alone most of the time. I take classes and I see friends sometimes, but at the end of the day I am alone. And so a week like this one is very special. My daughter has a week off from the army and she is staying here with me for a few days. Sadly’ I can’t even take a day off, but we get to spend the evenings together. Today we decided to go to a movie, something I didn’t do in quite some time now. She chose the movie 50/50 which I was a little hesitant about watching right now, but it was a good decision. It’s a good movie and it deals with a difficult subject in a very restrained manner, which suits us well, and it had a very positive message which is very important as well. Before the movie we went shopping for an hour, we bought some snacks to eat in the theater, and just talked. Just a simple evening that I appreciate so much; having my daughter here with me in the middle of the week. This is a short entry, just to say how wonderful it is to have her home. We should never take something so precious for granted.
   
I am thankful that after a long day at work I got to spend a lovely evening with my daughter. I am thankful she chose to stay here on her vacation and be with me. I am thankful for life’s little gifts – a smile, a hug, the love we have for each other. I am thankful for a wonderful day.

 

Just Being Here

Day 292 -   my daughter finally got to meet with the immunologist today to see what is going on with her multiple allergic reactions in the past few weeks. And the truth is he is not really sure. It is very clear that her system got into an over reacting mode and what we see are not really allergic reactions, but random reactions to things. So the good news are that she is not allergic to everything’ like we started to think; the bad news are that her immune system is in an overreaction mode and he is not sure it is reversible.  And the options of treatment are not so exciting. Steroids, as first line of attack and if that won’t work - immunosuppressants. And he doesn’t know if it can cure her. It is a rare condition and not much in the literature about it. Definitely not a place you want to be. But this is where we are right now and it was a very emotional afternoon, of course. It is a big thing to try to digest and to come to term with. It will probably take a few days to sink-in. and I had something I had to do at work this afternoon and so after 3 hours of talking I had to leave her and go back to work. Today is not a happy day. and yet we have to find good in everything we encounter in life, we have to find something to be thankful for.
  
I am thankful it is not something that is dangerous to her life; it sure impacts the quality of her life, but doesn’t risk her life. I am thankful we know what’s going on; as difficult as it is, at least we know now what is it that was haunting her for the past few months, and knowing at least gives some hope. I am thankful most of all for being here with her; I cannot imagine her trying to deal with all this alone. It is not that I can do anything to help, but at least I am here and she can talked about it, and cry and have someone she loves so much to be with her at her time of need.