Hiking in the Desert

Day 291 -   it’s the beginning of the rainy season and there were heavy rains on 2/3 of our country, so for today’s hiking trip we decided to go south to the desert, the only place we could be sure the weather will be nice. It’s about 3 ½ hours drive from the city where I live and in near the little town where my parents live, so I decided to go for the whole weekend, spend the night at my parent’s and go today for the hike. My daughter stayed with my parents and I went on the hiking trip. It was absolutely amazing. It is a very steep hike up the mountain about 1800 feet vertical climb and the view at the top was breath taking. It was not only our group and some of the other people were not in a good enough shape for such a climb and needed a lot of help, but nothing could take away from the day. We hiked up the mountain we hiked down later in a different direction and a much more challenging slope and we hike the dry river bed. And it was so much fun. We are hiking together now for a long time and we are really good friends by now, so we make jokes all the time and it is just such a fun atmosphere. We all had great time. by the time we finished our hike the sun was almost down and it is so interesting to see how the very warm day turns in no time into a very chilly evening, just as the sun gowns down. It was so cold, we didn’t even want to sit outside and eat our very late lunch, and instead we ate in the cars. At that point, my daughter came to pick me up to my parents’ home, were we ate dinner before hitting the road on the long drive back home. As we drove north we started to see the signs of the heavy rains of the past 36 hours and we were so happy we got to enjoy a balmy day instead and a great hike. It made me especially happy to hike that area since I didn’t do it in years. Every year we came to visit in the summer and this is the hottest time of the year and we couldn’t hike the desert at that time a year.
   
I am thankful for a great hike, one of our best, with perfect weather, great location, and wonderful company. I am thankful to hike this part of my country after so many years I didn’t do it. I am thankful for yet another chance to visit my parent, only two weeks after our last visit. I am thankful every time for this serendipitous event that introduced me to this hiking group and brought so many great moments into my life.

Taking Risks

Day 290 -   I want to quote a poem I found few days ago. The author is unknown:

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out is to risk involvement.
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk their love.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The one who risks nothing does nothing and has nothing – and finally is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has fortified freedom.
Only one who risks is free.

I am learning to take risks. One thing I learned in the past year is to expose my feelings. I used to hold it so close to my heart, but I learned that I buried part of me when I buried my feelings, and my thoughts and this is what I am working on every single day. I learn to say I am upset, to say I am afraid, to say I want and I need and I love; and  I teach myself to disconnect from the outcome. Only then, when you are not expecting an action in return you are free. I can say I am upset and I don’t expect anyone to fix it. I can say I love and I don’t expect to be loved in return, I can say I need but I don’t expect someone to make it happen. It gives such a high degree of freedom, to simply express my feelings. It is for me to say not for you to react.

   

I am thankful I am learning to take risks; for years I brought less than the whole of me to the game and now, I am totally in the moment, right there. I am thankful to life’s trials and I hope that being a warrior and not giving up when the going gets tough will make me stronger will make my life better. And as much as I am striving to be strong and being able to let go, I will be eternally thankful if my dreams will come true.

In the Nude

Day 289 -   It’s Thursday again and you know the drill – my painting class (I also had a creative writing class, but I will write about it another day); today's entry is about my drawing class. We had a model who posed in the nude today. It’s funny how intimidating it is. It was a young woman, 22 years old with such a beautiful body. But the intimidating part is that everyone got scared we won’t be able to draw well. Most of us never drew a person in details and definitely not a naked woman. My most complicate work until today was that hand from last week. But our teacher is amazing and just walked us through the process. Measure the head, he said, the length of a body is about 8 times the size of the head; there is a vertical line from her head to her feet. Look at the horizontal lines – eye brows, shoulders, breasts… try to capture her posture, follow the curves; in short, he calmed us down and gave us the logic of how to go through the process.  We had almost an hour to draw the first pose. Than we took a break and after that she stood in more complicated gestures for 10-15 minutes each. This time the only thing we tried to do is to capture the pose. The funny thing is that the drawing I did in 15 minutes was much better that the one we had an hour to complete. We all did. You just get the feel how to do it right. It was an amazing class!! I never thought it can be so satisfying to draw the human body; to explore poses, and curves. So again, I am so proudly posting my own drawing. A friend showed me today on her phone some pictures she made and it was so beautiful, and I had only one to share, but here I am starting to have an art collection on my phone as well. 

  

I am so thankful for this amazing experience today, i had such a great time. I am thankful again to our wonderful teacher, who manages every week to take us to new heights. I am so thankful my drawings are getting so good that I keep taking pictures of them, and so my phone collection is slowly growing. I am thankful I am able to get my higher-self get out of the way and allow my creativity to shine through me. I am thankful for “The Artist’s Way”.

The Simple Joys of Winter

Day 288 -   Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very happy to inform you that in my house I officially announced the winter. The nights are definitely getting colder and few days I already woke up a little cold. So yesterday I decided it is time to officially call it a winter and changed my summer blankets to my warm and cozy down feathers comforter. And it was heavenly, almost too hot at times. But I love this feeling of pampering and coziness of winter, now I have to wait for some really cold days. Today I added one more necessary ingredient – a lentil soup, yet another favorite winter staple. So picture this – a dawn blanket, lentil soup, steamy hot shower (and a short sleeves shirt, it not that cold yet, it is just early days of the cold season). And I almost forgot the most important ingredients – a good book, my now famous Beethoven piano concerto, and an early night sleep to make up for yesterday’s. True, I don’t have a fireplace, so the picture will not be perfect, but this is as close as it can get, and it’s plenty.

I am thankful for the joy of early winter pampering. I am thankful that simple things like soup and blanket, book and music can bring me so much happiness. I am thankful for the second winter I am going to enjoy in my beloved country. I am thankful it will be the second of many more to come.

An Evening at the ER

Day 287 -   For the past 22 of the last 23 years I lived abroad. One of the side effects of such a decision is that I didn’t really get to see my parents getting older. I did see them of course, but only once or twice a year when I came to visit. I didn’t have the tasks of  escorting them to doctors and to hospitals, spending hours and days on thier health issues; the regular stuff we get to experience as our parents age. I was away and so all the burden fell on my two siblings that stayed here. It is also true that my parents are relatively healthy and did not experience a lot of ailmentsas I hear from friends about their parents, but they did have some health problems and I was away through all of them. I never actually thought about this subject until this evening. The father of my friend was in the ER in our hospital and so I decided to go back to the hospital and spend some time with them. I was happy to do that. I didn’t see his dad since we broke up almost 34 years ago, I never even had a chance to say goodbye to his parents. When you are younger you kind of take the parents for granted and let them blend as part of the background for the beloved one. But now I am the parent and I finally get to see the other side of the picture. So 34 years later I came to say hi and spend a few hours with a man that was so kind and nice to me when I was very young and I never got to thank him for that. Luckily, I had a bottle of water and some fruits and cookies in my office so I brought him something to eat and drink, no one thought to offer someone who spends several hours already in the ER something to eat, and I was happy iI could do that; but the most important was that I got to spend some time with him and hear some of his stories and make the stay a little easier for my friend and for his dad (at least I hope I did). They couldn’t understand why I am staying for so long, but I actually enjoyed it, I was so happy I got to see him one more time and have an actual conversation with him, not the kind I had when I was so much younger, and of course I got to spend the evening with my friend. And I realized for the first time few more things I neglected while being away and minding only my own business,namely, the issue of my parents’ health and its deterioration and the burden it put on my siblings. This is even more true for my ex-husband’s family. His dad died while we lived abroad and all the burden fell on his brother’s shoulders; and now his mom is getting older and less healthy and again all the burden falls on his brother. It is such a selfish act to live like that, disconnected from everything, especially from every obligation we had towards our parents. They took care of us when we were young and helpless, and now the wheels turn around and it is our turn to pay it back, to take care of them; and we chose to ignore that.
They say we learn something new every day, I think I am now in a stage that my eyes keep opening to new things all the time, I feel like I am awakening from a very long somber and slowly start to feel, see and comprehend again. And some of the realizations are not very pretty.
      

I am thankful I got to meet my friend’s father again and spend a few hours with him; it made me feel really good. I am thankful I was able to help a little. I am thankful this evening helped opening my eyes to yet some new truths I was blind to until now. I am thankful my parent’s health is still fine and I will be here and ready to help when their time will come.

Weight Issues

Day 286 -   For years I was fighting my weight. Being more and more frustrated about it but whatever I did, I just couldn’t find the will power to stick to it. Even if I lost few pounds I always gained them back and with a little “bonus”. At some point I just gave up, resigning to be fat for the rest of my life. People who don’t suffer from that don’t understand how difficult it is to live your life on the large size. To always scan the room to see if there is anyone bigger than me or am I “it”. To hate shopping for clothes because there is rarely anything that looks good and fits me; to eat and have people stare at me and watch every bite I put into my mouth. To be reminded it is not good for my health and “I am only saying it because I care about you” even though I could run longer and better than most of my friends. In our health craze society, in our ever-about-the-look- society, it is very difficult to be fat.

When I left home and moved back here I decided that I am going to give myself some very special gifts. I am not going to have a scale in my home EVER again, and I will never talk to myself unkindly; I promised to love myself regardless of my clothes size, or the circumference of my waist. I will love myself for who I am and be happy with the way I look. Apparently this is exactly what I needed to break the vicious cycle. I started buying bigger clothes but in real good stores, so I look nice and I am so happy that I radiate; and without the constant reminder of the scale, I just don’t know how much I weigh. And I almost forgot the most important part,  I eat whatever I want, no diets ever again. I live in a city, so I walk more, I go to the gym, and I joined a hiking group, in short I live a much healthier life now, and being alone means that I am not as stressed or depressed as I once was. I could feel my clothes are getting to big on me, and kind of hanging, and I keep getting compliments that I look great and lost so much weight. Yesterday at the gym I decided to step on the scale and I verified the observations – I lost over 22 lb since I moved here. It made me so happy; I liked the number I saw on the scale, haven’t seen it in at least 6 years.

  

I am thankful I am losing some of the extra fat my body accumulated in the last few years. I am thankful all this weight loss is done with no diets, just by living a more active life style and having less stress. I am thankful I finally learned to love my body, regardless of its size and be thankful for having it. I am thankful I get to buy new clothes all the time and by now in regular shops. I am thankful for yet another gift in my life.

Miraculous Recovery

Day 285 -   If I had to choose four musical pieces to take with me to a deserted island I know right away what I’ll take. If pressed really hard, I can narrow it down to three, but I don’t think I can narrow it down any further. You already met two of these pieces – Moonlight by Beethoven, and Rachmaninoff's 2^nd concerto for piano and orchestra. The third one is Beethoven’s Concerto for piano and Orchestra in D major ( I love it more than the original Violin concerto op. 61 ). There is a reason I didn’t write about it yet. The CD didn’t work since I moved here to my new house –it shows an error every time I tried to play it. And it was absolutely devastating. I love this piece sooo much, especially the Larghetto. I wrote poems to this piece; yes, I love it so much. For some reason its music just plays straight on my heart strings just as it plays on the piano keys. And, like I said, it didn’t work. It worked on my computer but not on my CD player, so it loses all the quality of the music.

Few weeks ago I tried to rip three CDs of Dire Straits for my friend. Apparently, now-a-days even this is a complicate task and I managed to create a CD but it didn't work properly. Today I decided to tackle the issue and found what I did wrong on my first (and second) attempt(s). In no time I burned the new CDs and then I had a brilliant idea – if my ruined CD plays on my computer, maybe I can rip it and burn a good copy. Gingerly I put the CD back to my computer, praying it will still work and it did. So I ripped it, burned it on a new CD and right now I am sitting and listening to the concerto for piano and orchestra in D major by Beethoven with Daniel Barenboim as a soloist and conductor!! And my heart is singing, this piece never fails to move me almost to tears.  They always say good deeds won’t go un-noticed, and here you go I decided to do something good and got paid many time more by that.

   

I am thankful beyond words for this serendipitous event that gave me back my beloved concerto. I am thankful for this heavenly music I get to enjoy again. I am thankful this music can play such a major role in my life. I am thankful for every magical moment this piece brings to my life. I am thankful for my trembling heart as I write this entry; I am happier than I can express in words for the recovery of this CD.

Busy Bee

Day 284 -   I stayed home today and didn’t join my hiking group, so I had a very relaxing Saturday. I woke up late (7:30am) and took my dog for a long walk. She has to stay home during my working hours and our night walks are not very long, so I was happy I can take her out today. I met my ex-mother-in-law for coffee again and we spend a very lovely morning together. People sometimes question that, but she was my mother-in-law for over thirty years and she is very lonely, so why not. You divorce a spouse, not their family. I think she has more meaningful conversations with me than with her son, and we enjoy each other’s company. I know she would love to see us getting back together, and it pains her when I say that it’s not going to happen, but I think that deep down she knows that I am so much better now that we are not together anymore. Actually, she even sometimes admits that I look much happier. When I came back home I decided to clean my car, this time a more thorough job and clean the inside as well. An hour later the car was shining and I have to admit, as much as I like to say I don’t give _ _ it is nice to see the inside of the car so clean and tidy. I’ll try to keep it this way and clean it more often. And the final action for the day – I was scheduled to meet my daughter later in the afternoon on her way back to base, so I cooked a nice meal and brought it with me and we stopped on the way to eat it. With all her allergies right now, she eats very little on base and so it is very important for me that at least on the weekend she will eat something more substantial and healthy. I drove her all the way to base so we’ll have some time together, since she had activity all weekend with her group and I didn’t get to see her at all. It was much fun and I got to hear all her cool stories about the training. So I enjoyed the drive very much and I was so happy I could do that. And I almost forgot, before getting back home I stopped on my way in the photo shop and developed the sunset picture from 3 days ago to a 10X12 size and now I have it on my wall, and I can glance at it while writing. Love it!!

    

I am thankful for a very lovely Saturday; full of activities I really enjoyed doing. I am thankful it still felt so relaxed. I am thankful I got to spend time with my daughter, even if it was a shorter than usual. I am thankful for all the gifts in my lifel.

Friday on the Beach

Day 283 -   it’s Friday, so I took my usual position on the beach café, for a book reading and a large serving of sunset. I read for a few hours and I loved every minute of it. I was totally absorbed in the book "The Art of listening to the beating heart" - a heart aching yet magical love story. I read the book and I cried. This is a story of a young man from a little village in Burma; bound by tradition he is forced to leave home, to study in the capital and later abroad, live away from the love of his life for half a century. And it ended on such a sweet tone. An amazing story about the magical power of true love.

And then to add to the beauty of the moment, I was blessed with a magical sunset, every day now the sunsets are so beautiful and I keep taking pictures of them. I think the sunsets are especially amazing this time a year. So I set there, a little cold, I have to admit, it is after all late October, and I enjoyed yet another amazing sunset on the beach. It made me think – maybe I should print all these pictures. I have an album of my photos I started a few years ago; maybe I can add few sunsets to it now and then add some poems. Interesting thought; Love it!!

   

I am thankful for every sunrise and sunset I get to watch; I feel I am connecting to the web of life doing so. I am thankful for such a lovely time on the beach today. I am thankful for such a great day; I will never take that for granted.   

My Best Picture Yet

Day 282 -  It’s Thursday again, my favorite day of the week. It’s my drawing class day. I love this class; I’m sure by now you already figured it out. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. And today was no exception. I go in and just get lost for two hours; completely absorbed in the moment, in the movement of the pencil and the contour of whatever I draw at that time. Time stops outside our door, and inside there is only the Now and the little challenges of how to make a picture better, how to do something new every time, how to push myself a little further. No matter how my day was, no matter how sad or upset or stressed I am, within minutes it evaporates into thin air, and tranquility rolls in.

Today, an hour before class I was already thinking what am I going to draw and I decided to draw my own hand and so I did. My teacher had the idea to add a flower and this is the final product of today's class; a picture I am so proud of. I feel I made a huge leap today in my drawing and I am so happy about that. This is a picture I will happily hang on my wall, at least until better pictures will push it away. It’s funny, when I started the program of the artist’s way I was thinking of a writer, but the truth is I didn’t make enough progress there. What came out of me instead is a painter, which I always tried to do and never really showed any talent. The combination of the right teacher and the right timing is, like always, a winner. So today this posting shows my first real picture and I am very happy I got to this point.

  

I am thankful for yet another great class. I am thankful for the peace it brings into my life, for the deep satisfaction, for clarity. I am thankful for an amazing teacher that in his subtle ways pushes each and every one of us to make better and better art, who brings out the best in us. I am thankful for the serendipitous event that brought me to this class. 

Artistic Bliss

Day 281 – I was driving back from work, still dealing with my aching heart, I was driving to meet someone, not knowing I am coming to meet him just to turn him down. What a mess. I was driving back from work not knowing that in a few hours I will get a frantic phone call from my daughter about another allergic reaction, stressed to a point of break, whether this one is going to go overboard, and I had to try to calm her down promising that it will not.  I was driving back from work, and it really was not my best day, and then I saw this amazing sight. For a few moments I had nothing on my mind except this amazing sunset, the one in the picture above. The colors were more beautiful than my camera’s ability to capture it. But at least it captured this moment of sheer beauty, the rays of hope behind the clouds illuminating the sky... “a Kodak Moment” as they used to call it. Few hours later, I was walking in the park with my dog, trying to nurse my aching heart and thinking what can I be thankful for in a day like that. And yes, by now I know there is always something to be thankful for. At first I thought I can be thankful I have a heart that can be broken, i have deep feelings, it is a very good reason to be thankful. But then I remembered this moment of calm and I decided – I am thankful for this amazing sunset; so pointless, just for God’s artistic pleasure, just so for a few moments I will have nothing on my mind but the right angle to take a picture, a good reason to be thankful today.

  

I am thankful for an amazing sunset, with a promise of healing in its path. I am thankful I saw this magic as it unfolded and had time to run to the perfect spot and take a picture capturing a fleeting moment, never to be returned. I am thankful for all the wonderful moments that sometimes bring in their path broken hearts; I still prefer to be sad later than to never know happiness and joy.  

Some Thoughts about Attachment

Day 280 – I like reading Buddhism stuff. Their ideas are so logical yet so different than our own. Take for example something like attachment. Even to understand the idea is not easy. How can you do something and not be attached to the outcome? How can you want something but be ok if you don’t get it, be content just as well? It is a practice of letting go of control, a practice of acceptance. In our goal oriented society, in such a materialistic world this philosophy is so foreign. And I am really trying to cultivate this idea. There are things I think I lost forever and I am trying to be ok with it. I am trying to tell myself that my wanting is good enough and being attached to the outcome is already being possessive. I am trying to cultivate in me this feeling of deep satisfaction just for seeing it, knowing of its existence and not from “owning” it. Still not there, I have to admit, but I hope with time I will learn the art of letting go. This is how you love a butterfly. You hold it for a short moment in your hands and then you let it go, and just enjoy the beauty that will be crushed if you keep it. I believe it is the same with people. You never hold on to them, you have to let your love ones be free, so they can shine. You just hold them tight for one moment and then you let them go, and hope they will come to rest on your open palm every once in a while. I have to admit that I much prefer holding them in a tight embrace, but sometimes it is just not realistic. And so we can find some solace in this wise philosophy of letting go. This is easier said than done, but worthy goal.

  

I am thankful for life trials that give me the opportunity to practice un-attachment. I am thankful for the little moments of sheer happiness when the butterfly is still in my hand. I am thankful I can practice the letting go; at least I can enjoy its beauty from afar.  

A Magical Moment

Day 279 - Few weeks ago I had an entry quoting Paulo Coelho about magical moments in our days. It sounds so cool but so many times I don’t really see these moments. I look at it as something to strive for. But if you are lucky, sometimes you just know. This morning I was blessed with such an eye opening experience. I just looked at the moment and could feel all the magic there and I could already see that it starts stretching too thin; I could feel it quivers, just before it disappears into the cemetery of lost dreams, lost opportunities, lost moments of magic. I could feel all this and understood that I have such a magical moment in my hands and so I just didn’t let it go. I strengthen my heart, I steadied my hand and I took it. Who knows what are the long term implications of choosing magic instead of the easy way; who knows how many heart aches and tears awaiting me, but I knew, I made the right decision; I will not give up magical moments any more.
  

I am thankful for the magic in my life. I am thankful I was so aware of the moment and didn’t let it pass. I am thankful for all the gifts in my life.

A Remedy for Bad Mood

Day 278 – it is very, very late at night, or should I say very early in the morning almost the time I usually wake up. I just spent the last few hours talking with a good friend of mine, and it was so nice. Catching up and just talking after years we didn’t do that. but the outcome is that I have about an hour to sleep tonight, so this is a very brief entry. Just to acknowledge the fact that another day passed and that even though it started on a sour note – me being way too stressed about work, it ended so much nicer with a drawing class and later that late night meeting.

 

I am thankful a day that started in the most stressful way I had since moving here, still ended well. I am thankful for the peace my art class brought back into my day. I am most thankful to my friend for coming to the rescue.

The Power of Love

Day 277 – Every time a new I am amazed to realize how little we really need to be happy. My parents’ place always puts it in perspective for me. They live in a tiny house in a very remote place and they have very little to their name. What they do have in endless amounts is love. We spent the weekend with them, and as I wrote yesterday my niece and her family were there as well, 8 people in a house that is probably less than 700sq ft (70sq. m), and I almost forgot – I also brought my dog so she was part of everything as well. And it didn’t feel cramped and it didn’t feel like too much and we had such a great time. And I think the only explanation to that is that when your heart is really open, when you are really happy for someone’s presence it doesn’t feel like a burden and this is what you project to them. We spend almost three hours eating breakfast and just talking and laughing and admiring the kids. My parents don’t have much money, but again, they have a big heart and it covers for everything else. I didn’t appreciate it enough when I was younger, and as I get older I can see it so much more. And years of living in the unofficial capitol of capitalism I know how much money and happiness are not synonyms, as much as some people want to believe it is, and how much a good heart can do to make one happy; How much it is really needed in this world.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful weekend. I am thankful for the love and warmth we enjoyed. I am thankful for the important lessons I can still get from my parents about being humble and being good. I am thankful for every day I get to see them and talk to them, it’s a gift I gave myself and my daughter after so many years away, to be surrounded by a loving family again.