It Is my Last Day Here

Day 591 - This is my last day here and tomorrow at 6am I am taking off to my next destination to spend a week with my son. It was a great visit and for the first time since I left I could truly appreciate the place and its people; but this does not mean I want to come back. I have enjoyed the people and I sure will miss them, but I am going back home in a week and I am very happy about that. The highlight of today and what I am most thankful for was a visit of less then an hour to the office of our mediator where I signed the divorce papers. According to the law here it takes 6 months since the day I signed the papers so by March 1 it will be official, a belated birthday preset. After two years of separation we are making it official - we are not planning to get back together but instead to go forward and finalize our separation by turning it into a divorce. I was asked if I am sad but (sadly) I am not. I was sad for years about that but now it is only to put a stamp on something that effectively happened 2 years ago. And it enables me to finally start even mentally my way forwards.So, no I am not sad and yes, I am relived it is finally over. I know I should have a very pondering assay today but I am very tired and I have to wake up in less than 4 hours to get to the airport so this is it for today, and I keep the option to get to that later and edit a bit, but right now I have to go to sleep.

I am thankful for an amazing visit here, for everyday treasures. I am thankful I got to spend such quality time with my friend; I don't have enough words to thank her for all she did for me here. I am thankful I sealed the day with signing the divorce papers, I feel so relived and refresh.

A very emotional day

Day 590 - again an emotional day, this visit is doing something to me that did not happen in previous visits. and I am welcoming and blessing these things. I met with one of my friends today and she suggested we"ll go to the art museum in the university and I, who didn't think of this cool idea, loved it. the museum has a very large collection of August Rodin's sculptures. I love August Rodin's work. I fell in love with it when I was 14 years old, on my first visit to Paris and I never fell out of love. I still find his work amazing and inspiring. So we spend few hours together first enjoying this huge collection of Rodin, and as usual, I find new details that are of interest to me and I enjoy it in a very different way.I get ideas, I see how he is solving a problem - all very interesting and important points. I also saw few paintings by other artists and again took so many pictures so I will remember very interesting details - how the artist deals with the transparency of glass the metal quality of a spoon; how colors are blend and being put together and special affects I might want to learn. This trip is going to do wonders to my paintings. after we ate lunch I went to an art store and bought few more supplies I want to add to the things I bought already -I will have a lot to do next week at my son's.I am going to work on my face drawing skills. I also had a very special time with the friend I am staying with. We went and got manicure & pedicure together and I put a neon orange color and love it, and at night we had a few hours of girl's fun where we tried shoes and later she tried on clothes to take for her trip and I helped her with "professional" advice of how to pair it, what to add, and we had a blast. I am so happy I am staying with her, it gave us quality time like we didn't have for years and I love it. She is my very best friend and I missed this intimacy we once had and kind of got lost even before I left as my troubles at home mounted. So the trip did wonders for that. I also met my ex for the first time on this trip and it was nice. He was very nice and very warm and we had a good and productive discussion and it makes me happy as well; I don't like to harbor bad emotions and I didn't like the fact that things were stuck. I think we talked about them all and agreed and I am now ready to sign the papers tomorrow. 
   
I am thankful for a most emotional day today. I am thankful that my inner artist got a special treat and Enjoyed this amazing outing to the art museum. I am thankful I got to see my granddaughter one more time. It is the last time on this trip and I will miss her, but it was so great to get to know her a little and see how wonderful she is. I am thankful I got to spend time with my oldest daughter and see this side of her i never met before - being a mom - and I love it; her patience and love; the seriousness in which she is taking this new role, and I loved seeing how it softened her and changed her in so many ways; all so important. I am thankful I had a good and productive meeting with my ex-husband. I am thankful for such quality time I had with my friend; there is nothing as powerful as girl's night and I had a wonderful time. 

About Friedship

Day 589 - with only two more days left for my visit here my friend suggested I'll invite few friends here for a girl's night of cheese and wine. I gratefully accepted and so last night she sent an email and 6 women came for an evening most memorable. after everyone left she mentioned that it was very real and I felt the same. I guess that the circumstances and the small group brought on more honesty and deeper conversation, all welcome changes from the tip-toed talked we had so many times where you beat around the bushes and not realy dive into subjects less comfortable. But it is a very small community here and so every change create a lot of ripples in the pool. So I was not here but I am sure that my departure was the subject of many conversations in the first few month, and 8 months ago another couple split, again still the talk of town so many months later. So it is no wonder that family integrity and what is better for the parties involved adults and children. And of course also how is life for me over there and what with my youngest daughter and just chit chat, nice and easy. I kept saying in the past two years that friendships here are on the surface, but here we have a proof it might be a little bigger and deeper than that - those women came here in the middle of the week on less than 24 hours notice and in a country that 8 pm is late to go out. So yes, it might not have been as tight as I'd like it to be but I am sure that part of it is my fault, I was in a nightmarish place and had no energy to invest in these relationship. So I appreciate the gesture tonight even more. and it gave us all the excuse to sit back and enjoy the company of each other. A food for thought.
   
I am thankful to my friend for kindly offering her home in the middle of the week for a party. I am thankful to my friends who on such short notice attended it. I am thankful for all the kind words and the love they all surrounded me with. I am thankful for a wonderful morning with another friend and for a wonderful afternoon with my daughter and granddaughter. I am thankful for a wonderful phone call with my MF, I really needed it. I am thankful for yet another so special day. 

Since I lived in both places

Day 588 - another beautiful day. by now I realized that one of the main differences between here and there is the humidity. It is above 80% all summer long over there and you get out of the house and in minutes, were as here I can ware clothes the whole day and they still smell fresh at the end of the day. this is sure something I miss there, I don't like the humidity, I don't like the fact that my skin is sticky all summer long, that the first thing we do as we get into the house or the office or the car is to turn on the A/C. But don't read into this too much, I am just stating the facts not laying the ground for moving back here - no way. But the nice thing is that now I can see also the good things. When I just moved back to my homeland I could not acknowledge the good things here, everything was dark and bad and I didn't want anything to do with it. Now I am facing it with open eyes and I can say that I know some things are much better here, but I am choosing to live there, because it feels right for me, and I am very happy there. I am planning to meet few people here tomorrow and it is amazing for me, almost sad, that after 14 years that I lived here I have so few friends, I have more friends in my homeland after only 2 years; one of the reasons I like it there. I left here two of my children and one really good friend, the one I am staying with for the week, but this is all I got here, everything else is there. So since I am here and I have open hours during the day I meet some of my friends but it makes me a little sad to think that this was how I lived for so many years; so isolated and unattached. I see all the luxury and all the easy life that are the essence of living here but I can see also the other side, the things that were part of the reasons I decided to move back and I see them also in a much clearer way now.

I am thankful for everything I experience here this week, I am now in a position that I actually see and understand things and so it put a mirror to my face, a very positive thing indeed. I am thankful for this visit, for time I can spend with my daughter and granddaughter and time I can spend with my friend. I am thankful for being here, for all the convenience that living here offers and I am thankful that this is not where I live, that I chose life that is more difficult and challenging but a better fit for me. I am thankful to my family and all my friends and especially to my youngest daughter who made it such a wonderful experience; who made me fall in love with it.

Day 3 of my visit

Day 587 - it's the first day of the week here and we got into some kind of a routine. I do my own things in the morning and I meet my daughter and granddaughter in the afternoon and we spend two to three hours together until the little one goes to sleep and than I leave and let my daughter have some time for herself. I am learning now for the fist time to be a grandma and its actually cool. I also got to work on my Cambodia project and I hope I'll be able to finish it here -that will be great. Mean while, I am dead tired, as usual. So it is a very short entry, just cheking in and already checking out.

I am thankful for a great day. I am thankful for some very important phone calls, including one with my MF, that made me very happy. I am thankful for going to sleep right now, in a normal hour, I'm so tired!!

A Street Art Show

Day 586 - I went today downtown because I wanted to take a look at the art store there, that is expensive but very good and to my delight there was a big fair there - a Wine & Art fair that is taking place every year and is always beautiful and it sure was so special. Now that I am painting myself I enjoy it so much more than every before. I went from booth to booth and looked at everything and I was specially interested in some of the paintings that were more to my liking or that had special techniques that were intriguing. I stayed at such a booth looking closely at the painting, asking the artist questions how they did this effect or that and in some place, if they allowed it even took pictures. This way I will remember it and can try to work on such technique at home. I paint in acrylic, that has many advantages, if I am using quality products, but it has it's short comings such as - how thin it is vs. the thickness and texture an oil paint has, and here I saw some interesting solutions, and now I am going to try them at home. Another thing I saw is that the prices of art are much higher here, they sell it here for 3-4 times more that I can sell something at home, so maybe, in a few years, if my work will keep improving, I will come here to some of those fairs and sell some paintings. Just a thought. Another thing that is very unique to this specific art show is the disposable art - there is a whole side street where artists are painting on the road that is blocked for the two days of the fair. It always amazed me, and now even more, how people can engage in such an art form. You create beautiful pieces, just to get them destroyed the next day my the tires of cars or by the rain. But regardless, it is beautiful to watch them at work and some of the pictures they make in pastels on the pavement. The picture I attached to this entry is one of those creations. After spending few hours at the art show I went back to spend more quality time with my daughter and her family and it was absolutely wonderful, but I loved this little outing for my own enjoyment, a little outing for my inner artist, "me time".
  
I am thankful for a wonderful art show I got to enjoy; I feel so lucky that the only weekend I am here is the very same weekend as the fair. I am thankful I decided to go downtown to the art store otherwise I wouldn't even know about the show, you don't hear or see the commotion from where my daughter lives. I am thankful I can enjoy and art show in such a different and more heightened matter due to my personal interest, it makes for a very different experience. I am thankful for another day I could spend with my daughter's family, for the fact my little granddaughter is warming up to me by now. I am thankful for such a fulfilling day.  

My Granddaughter

Day 585 - First day of my visit. I spent the whole day with my daughter and her partner and with their little daughter, my little granddaughter and it was so wonderful. It was a little difficult at first since she is at the age where she is suspicious of strangers but I knew it will be like that and just tried to make her feel safe around me, and slowly during the day she warmed-up to me and by the end even allowed me to hold her in my arms. We went outside to the playground in the morning and to the children's museum and zoo in the afternoon and she loved it! she ran from one exhibit to the next shouting in joy the few words she can say and it was so very cute. they also had their little bath ritual at the end of the day and than I left because I was so tired. An hour of sleep brought me back to a functioning mode and to 2am, again. But I want to finish this blog before going to sleep.it was so wonderful, to see the three of them, to see them in their natural environment and not like last time when they came to visit us over there, in our new home. Here they are more at ease and relaxed, they are at their element and probably less tired and less stressed as well. I really enjoy the day, it came much better than I anticipated and I am so happy I am here. It was a very long time from our last meeting and I will not allow that again. I want to schedule my next trip soon so I will know when and how far between these visits are. and who knows, maybe I will be able to take a little longer vacation nest time and travel a little here and not only stay in one place. But the most important thing is to come and see my kids, not to allow the family connections to severe just because I separated from my husband and moved to a different country.

I am thankful to be here. I am thankful my daughter and her family were so nice and welcoming. I am thankful to finaly see my granddaughter and getting spend so much time with her. I am thankful for the miracle called life, especially as it comes to view in a little girl who is running around laughing.

A Very Long Day

Day 584 - This is going to be a very short entry. I am very tire, right now. After more that 26 hours on the roads I arrived here. my friend picked me up from the airport and we spent couple of hours together before I left for dinner with my oldest daughter and her partner. It was very nice and I really enjoyed it. I hope the visit will be good, I will do my best to make it such.
I had a layover for 3 hours during my flight and I talked to my youngest daughter, which made me all fuzzy and warm, and than I decided to see if I can talk with my MF. It's something that really bothered me during the flight. I really like him and I so hope we can make it work, I want to see if I can try to work on it when I see problems and not just cut and run. So I wanted to talk to him and see what he has to say about yesterday. I woke him up from his sleep, which means he was not in a place to talk, but he did apologize and said he was an idiot; so I don't know, maybe there is still hope there; I might not know until I'll be back home... And in the mean time, it feels so weird being here again. Everything feels so much home and yet it doesn't. I can't write anymore - I'm way too tired, but at least first few impressions and a safe flight.
  
I am thankful to be back here after such a long flight. I am so thankful to my friend for her amazing hospitality, I haven't seen her in a very long time and it is so wonderful to be able to spend time together. I am thankful I got to see my daughter and that she was so nice and friendly; I am looking forwards to see my granddaughter tomorrow. I am thankful for phone calls I made on my way to my loved ones and for the little window of hope that opened before me that I might be able to work out our relationship without breaking up. I am thankful for a very long day that is coming now to its end; goodnight!

Flying Back "Home"

Day 583 - I am on my way to the airport flying back "home" to see my older kids. It's been more than a year since I last visited and I am wondering how it will feel. The first few times I went back I stayed at home but now, more than two years later, I decided it is not the right thing to do anymore. It is not my home anymore, I have nothing to say to my ex and it is just not right. So I am going to stay with my best friend. It will also give us the opportunity to see each other and catch up. From all the people I left behind she is the only one I miss, other than my kids.
Getting ready for this flight I also had few more very important events. The first one has to do with my MF, I think I am going to break up with him. It is not that my feelings towards him changed, but there are certain behaviors that I will never accept again and it is the second time I see this. It sound too much like something that will turn into an abusive realationship and I am not going to be in a place like that ever again. I had it in my marriage and I was lucky to get out of it. I'll never be again in a place like that. Maybe there is an explanation, I don't know, but it feels so wrong. And if it feels wrong, it usually is. I am very sad because I like him very much and there  are so many good qualities in him but I don't even want to consider the "maybe". There are some things I'll never accept again. So this is the sad part. But in every departure there is also a grain of happiness. I left late at night and my daughter really wanted to see me so as I got to the train station she left the party she attended and came to spend some time with me. That was so nice and so sweet and it filled my heart with happiness. It is interesting that in the same day I see two very different ways to deal with departure. One like my MF a very disappointing one indeed and the other one, my daughter's way, much more than I expected, and it made me so happy and so appreciative of her efforts. I am trying to think if I am too harsh, if I expect too much but I really don't think this is the case. It is just a sad case of one more relationship that is going down the drain...

I am thankful to my daughter for being so sweet and so loving, it means the world to me. I am thankful every day for these two wonderful years we spend here together just the two of us, it is the most bonding experience one can have, and because of that every departure is so difficult. I am thankful I can recognize bad behavior when I see it and even more that I stopped giving excuses for it. I am thankful I am on my way to see my older kids. I didn't see them for more than half a year and I miss them so much!!

No More an Ugly Duckling

Day 582 - I met with the personal stylist today and for 8 hours we went shopping together, all the while she was explaining how to choose the right piece of close, what works for me and what not, how to play for good features and minimize attention to weak spots.she taught me how to make good combinations, to accessorize. and to top it all we went to one of the best hair dressers in the country and I got e killer haircut. So few hours, not too much money and a lot of patience on her part and out of the ugly duckling an amazing swan emerged. I am looking at myself in the mirror and i can barely recognize myself. after arriving home, i stood for two hours trying on everything again, making new combinations and adding more pieces from my wardrobe that fits the guidelines and can work well with my new close. I was so happy I wanted to show it to my MF, the one who is literally is responsible for this transformation, but he already left town for some family event he had to attend. So I'll have to be patient until tomorrow when we meet. I am not putting any picture on Facebook, because I want it to be a total surprise for my family. I want to knock them dead, when they see me. I am so happy, beyond words. It is amazing to see what a good haircut, a pair of well chosen glasses and a good outfit does to a woman. it not only makes me beautiful it also makes me feel so much more like a woman, it lifts my spirit to a level I never knew possible. It makes me promise myself never to walk around like I used to do, to always pay attention to my looks.

I am so thankful I decided to go with it, to give myself such an amazing gift. I am thankful beyond words to my MF who gently pushed me in the right direction, and even more so for the fact he reads me enough to know how to say it so I will not get insulted. I am thankful to the stylist for an amazing day where she shared her knowledge with me freely. I am thankful to everyone who took part in this endeavor; who  helped making it such a ground shaking event. I am thankful for an amazing day.     

Life is so Frail

Day 581 - one of the women in our painting club had a scary story to tell that is still hounting me two hours later. Few days ago her MF called her in the middle of the day that he really doesn't feel well and he think it's his heart. She rushed to his house and took him to the nearest hospital where it was confirmed it was a heart attack and they took him in and did cathettherization and inserted two stents. A night in the ICU and two more days in the hospital followed the procedure. We all know the guy, he is a member of our regular painting class. And regardless, this is such a scary story. We are getting to the age when our health is in decline, where pitfalls are awaiting us around the corner. I have a father who is 85 and a MF who is 65, these things are real and looming. Not a happy thought. Maybe it is time to make some serious changes to my eating and excercising habits, to my sleeping routine. Maybe this is the writing on the wall, for me for my close friends, for everyone - we should not take our body for granted, this is all we have. If it will fail we won't be able to go on even if we don't feel old or helpless. Maybe today can mark the beginning of a new life. I sure don't want to ignore the incident and go about my life as if business is as usual.

I am thankful for earth shattering event that I hope will leave its mark on me. I am thankful that our friend is OK, a little shaken but with no permanent damage. I am thankful all my loved ones are fine I am thankful I can worry about a painting and not about the odds of survival for my MF, as my friend had to do. I am thankful for a wonderful day and for a day full of promise that awaiting me tomorrow.

Breathe in Breathe out; Rethink

Day 580 - I was planning to write about the shopping I did for my upcoming trip. It is always a big part of traveling and visiting. But something came up that changed my plan. After the shopping spree I drove few miles out of our city to the next town to visit a friend that is leaving now for a few months. By the time I came back it was almost midnight. I didn't even want to call my MF in case he was asleep already; so I sent a text message instead. He is not as irresponsible as me about sleep time and I didn't want to wake him up. He called right away and we talked for a few minutes and then he made a comment that only a few days ago would hurt me because it played into all my insecurities, especially about this relationship. It was not a mean comment, or a bad one; he was just making light of our relationship and not admitting to the growing role it takes in both of our lives. But since it's all so new and I am still so afraid to open up and get hurt, every comment that puts it into doubt is very difficult for me to handle. But few more days passed, more affection passed between us, and I also did few more writings about it, thus making me stronger, a little more secure. I was able to laugh it off and say that I know he doesn't mean it, that we both know he actually means just the opposite, that he cares about me so much. And sure enough he laughed, like a child caught with his hand in the cookies jar, and admitted to it. It's such a small and insignificant incident, but it made me so happy. I am learning to question things, to listen to the undertone; he is a good teacher for me in so many ways. I learned that he is just as stressed as I am about us; that he is fighting for balance and some times he does it in a way I am not comfortable with. But if I am looking at things in the right way, with open mind and heart, if I actually listen to what he doesn't say but shows me in so many ways, than I cannot get hurt. And because I was able to do it tonight, instead of an uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomac, like last time I heard the same comment, we created a moment of intimacy and closeness. On the other hand, I have to realize he needs space, and allow for it; we are both struggling to find a balance between us and each one as an individual.
 
I am so thankful I am learning a different and more mature way to deal with misunderstanding and differences. I am thankful for yet another way to expand my boundaries. I am thankful for gifts I get in the most unexpected moments. I am thankful for his kindness and open-mindness. I am thankful for every day we spend together either on the phone or in person, it enriches my life in more ways than I thought possible. I am thankful for yet another wonderful day.

Testing My Boundaries From a Different Angle

Day 579 - checking in, checking out; will write more later.
And now is later. 
Few days ago my MF suggested I should get a killer hair cut and outfit for my upcoming trip. He is big on taking care of oneself; of self pampering and it is sure something I can learn from him, because I never do that. Thinking about his idea, I could see a lot of good coming out of it. I watched enough TV shows of "what not to wear" to know how much a total make over can do to a person and decided that he is absolutely right and I am going to take it a step further. So today I called a personal stylist and I set an appointment with her. We are going to cover hair, make up and even go shopping on our first meeting; and later she'll come to my house, go over my cloths and tell me what to keep and what not and also how to match them, what accessories to add and who knows what else. One thing for sure, it is going to be a major change; I wanted to write that my life is about to change but that is exaggeration, but I am in for a real treat I am sure about that and I am so happy I am giving myself this special gift. I can't wait for it to start.
   
I am thankful to him for coming up with such an awesome idea and for his sensitivity to present it to me in a way I was able to accept and embrace it. I am thankful I found in me the kindness to give myself such a special gift. I am thankful I am taking one more step in the direction of self discovery and opening up and I am so thankful to him for his help. It is so easy to judge people, even the ones closest to us, but once I was able to lift my gaze and see the bigger picture I get so many wonderful gifts; so I am especially thankful for all the little lessons his presence in my life give me the opportunity to receive. I am thankful for such an earth shuttering day.  

Hiking in a Stifling Heat

Day 578 – after a month off we had another hiking trip today. Since it is still the middle of the summer and it was especially hot day, we opted again for a water hike. We walked in the dry bed of the creek and after a short walk we started to encounter pools of very cold water. The rest of the hike was so much fun. We just played like little kids frolicking in the water, stripping to our underwear and just jump in. It was shaded and the water cold and we forgot all about the heat in the outside world; outside of this little heaven we were in. We spent several hours walking from pool to pool and near each one of the pools we undressed again and jumped in. A short hike that can take about two hours took us more than 5 but it was sooo much fun. I keep saying that but with every hike we do together we become better friends; we are more comfortable with each other and can do more stupid things and that’s half the fun; today probably brought us to a new level.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful hike with great company and so much laughter and silliness. I am thankful for this wonder group of people that are becoming my intimate circle. I am thankful for friendships forged while hiking; we are sweating together, helping each other every step of the way. I am thankful I found this group, that I can hike with them; that hiking can be such a major part of my life.       

Upwards Momentum

Day 577 – Yesterday I was sure that it is almost over. Too many red lights were flashing in the dark. And the problem is I really like him and I don’t want to let go, I want to try a little harder and see if we can find a way to make it work. We are different in so many ways, but he has so many wonderful qualities that are making it hard to just give up. We are both very smart, we both like and appreciate each other very much, so maybe we can find a way. No rush decisions are necessary, that for sure. And today we spend a whole day together and it was so wonderful. We drove to a place we were sure will be almost empty, a very tranquil and beautiful place and we planned to spend a few hours there, but alas we were not the only people with this brilliant idea and it was so full we decided to scratch the plan. But even though the day did not transpire the way we planned, it was so nice to spend time together, easily taking and laughing. Even when we meet during the week it is always so late since I am working and I have classes and he has classes and we are always so tired. So it is nice to spend a relaxed day, just enjoying each other’s company and it makes me think that some of the things I was concerned about were just from being too tired. It made me think that it is not looming as I felt yesterday. That maybe tomorrow will be OK too. Or better yet, that maybe I should allow myself to enjoy today instead of worry about tomorrow. And today was good, very good and that’s the only thing that is real; everything else is just in my head, memories, worries, concerns. They are all in my head and not in the real world. So at least for a while I am going to allow myself to enjoy the moment without thinking long term. I allow myself to enjoy this special time with him and learn so many important lessons. Allow myself to really open up and hope I will not get hurt. Mood swings, I guess is all part of loving someone, it’s the vulnerability that comes with it that speaks.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful day we spend together. I am thankful for my vulnerability; it means that for the first time since I left home I found someone I care about deeply. I am thankful I find in me the resolve to stay when the going gets a little rough and fight for it instead of giving up. I am thankful I found my match; someone that challenges me and makes me re-evaluate and think; think all the time.