Painting my heart out

Day 621 - Believe it or not but it is yet another holiday; this month is choke full of holidays and almost no time for work in between. And this week is half holiday so we work 3/4 of our regular time and a lot of people are on vacation since schools are closed. I was ready for a very relaxing week, even doing some catch-ups, but toay, just before I left work I got a phone call that someone is sick and we have no represantation in a big event we are attending in our capital. So instead of down time as planned, the next few days I'll be very busy. But the truth is that I like this part of my jo; I like interacting with people so this event is something I will enjoy very much. 
But the interesting thing I did today is painting. I came back from work and grocery shopping and I just felt like painting, you already knows it helps me when I am sad, and so I was busy for an hour or two pouring my heart onto the canvas and the paints and I know its a mess and will probably have to work on it some more but today this is how I felt and it's great I have a tool that can express it without words but with all the turmoil and the thoughts that are running in every direction. By the end of it I was happy with the results and I was no longer sad. So if I have to choose one subject to write aout in my blog today it will be my painting that as always heals my soul and make it whole again. I called this painting "The Dream".
   
I am thankful for a wonderful day with my daughter. I am thankful for a movie night and a game night and just quality time together. I am thankful for a very long talk over breakfast I had with him today; I love it when it is so open, trusting and real that one can allow his heart to do the talking. I am thankful for a great movie, great company and great inspiration and a great time I had painting. I am thankful for a great day.

The break up

Day 620 - I didn't decide yet what to write but I want to acknowledge the fact that another day passed, that I am still here on this earth, in this country, in this life. What more can I ask for in a day like that. I could not log-in earlier so it's a very late post but I did not fall asleep on my watch, just not able to post my blog. Will write more later, or tomorrow. I am sad but ok and life goes on...
I am thankful another day will come tomorrow with new hopes and new dreams. I am thankful I'll be there to greet it.  

Investing in my future

Day 619 - With every passing day, every talk I have with close friends about the future, I realize more and more that I have to go into business; that I have to take more active approach to increase my wealth. I did not live here for many years and so the amount of social security I will be getting is very small, to small to support me and even my salary right now is not enough. I just took the very first job I was offered when I moved here and didn't really negotiate it, and so every month I have to take out of my savings to cover my living expenses. And it shouldn't be this way; my working years suppose to increase my saving not be already in depletion mode. So I am weighing my options, but now that I actually have time to think I will start doing just that. It's a very interesting place to be. For so many years I was living very comfortable life but I chose to leave this golden cage and try to make it on my own. And part of that is also to become more financially strong, on my own, or with my own business partners. I am 54 years old so my earning years as an employee are nearing their end and it forces me to think about other options, options where I am the entrepreneur, thus have no age limit. Some may look at it in dismay, as a step back, but I look at it as a huge opportunity and I hope I will be able to use it wisely; to do what I am setting  up to do. I love it, finally I am ready to move forward. I feel so lucky to have friends who love me so much and are ready to help with advice, review and presenting opportunities if they think it might work for me. I always talk about not needing too much money, and it's true, but I also know that I will have many years after I am done working and if possible i would love to retire early and travel, so I will need some serious savings to support that and this is what I am talking about. I am not planning to buy a million dollars home, but I am planning to live a very long and active life. 
  
I am thankful I have this option to try to invest to secure my future. I am thankful I finally gathered the courage to move in this direction. I am thankful for opportunities that cross my path, I know how rare it is and I am thankful for any act of kindness, for every advice and help I get from my friends; I will do my best to be worthy of their trust, care and love.     

Kick back and relax

Day 618 - The lull after the storm, this is how I feel today. Not too much energy to do anything. I did some catching up to deferred business like doctor appointments and it makes me happy. I also treated myself to a pedicure which is something I always like and need (some TLC- check). I had a painting lesson but not a very creative one, somehow I got stuck and could not really find my way out; it took me a really ling time and I needed my teacher's help to dug myself out. OK picture, but nothing to write home about. I hope to make something this weekend with time in my hands, no group hiking and my daughter is not here. Plenty of time to read - almost the end of the month and I didn't really make any real progress yet. So like so many times in the past after very hurried and crazy time comes the lull and I have to learn to appreciate it, to like it, maybe even to look forwards to it. I worked hard, I deserve this leaning back, kicking off my shoes and relaxing, I deserve to feel empty and in need of replenishment. Now that I think about it, no wonder I could not paint - I am totally drained. So I am going to bed now and I am sure tomorrow I'll already feel much better.   
   
I am thankful for this lull; I sure earned it fair and square. I am thankful my daughter and my MF are not here tonight so I can be so lazy and not feel guilty; or actually that I don't have any stimulation or reason to do something. I am thankful for every little and unimportant things I did today, for attending the trivial and the mundane. I am thankful the final project is behind be, that I now officially finished the course. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, I am falling asleep while typing. 

My New Year Resolutions

Day 617 - It was a long day. In regular times, since this is the day of atonement, I will be sitting and pondering about my life, about the year that just passed and the new one in our gates. But this year is not regular. I have a project I delayed as much as I could and its due date is tomorrow. So I woke up this morning at 7:30, really not something you want to do on a day off especially when you are fasting, but I had work to do. For the next 8 hours I was just working and researching and typing away my plans and ideas for this special trip to Cambodia, with only few short breaks just to move around a little and get off the computer. At 15:30 I put the last period on the electronic document and was finally able to call it a day; finally be able to pay attention to my beloved daughter who was fasting here with me and had to deal with a totally absentee mother. But I am done. I met my deadline and as usual I am asking myself, why do I do this, why do I delay everything until the very last moment and than have to work crazy hours to meet my goal, why don't I just do it slowly as originally planned . I have to start working on this issue. It is something I know and fight my whole life and I think it is time to take it more seriously and start dealing with it. It just doesn't make sense I am not a kid anymore and I should be able to do that. Maybe this should be my new year resolution - 

• work on my tendency to procrastinate and actually come on top of it. 

What else do I want to achieve this coming year?

• Keep painting and not be afraid to break the rules, and my own boundaries
• Get back to writing my book and now with broader view and less anger
• still, like every year, read at least one book a month
• Try to put my finances in order, go into investments maybe or find a way to earn more money 
• Take at least one trip abroad, a brave one to an unfamiliar land
•  Relationship, not sure yet if I want to put it as a goal so not a resolution, just something to think about
• Start cooking again and start entertaining again
• Volunteering of some sort
• Be a good person to my loved ones and to everyone else - stay in touch with the important people in my life

I have a big list. I hope to be able by the end of this year to look back and say - I achieved it all. May I and everyone in my life have a healthy and fulfilling year.

   

I am thankful to have finished my project. I am thankful to my daughter for being so supportive and enabling me to do this. I am thankful for serious talks I had today with my mother in law, with my MF, and with my daughter; it is new year and I love these kind of discussions. I am thankful for people who love me enough to be able to tell me things they know I won't like to hear; I really appreciate that. I am thankful for a very meaningful holy-day; for a meaningful year; for the new year in our gates; for my life with all the turns and pitfalls, just as they are.    

    

My Relationship is Heading South

Day 616 - few hours ago we started the Day of Atonement, the holiest day in our calendar. it is customary to fast on that day. I am not a believer and so I did not fast for many years, but since moving back here I decided to start fasting on this day. I am still not a believer but I am a very spiritual woman and these times of reflection are something I really value. I always try to think of hidden meanings, I am an over-thinker, big times. So this day is perfect for me.  I sit and ponder about my actions in the past year, what was right and what not so. Did I sin towards someone unintentionaly  did I harm anyone psychically or emotionally? what am I taking with me for the new year? I had an amazing year, I did so much growing up during the year. I am so much happier than I was a year ago and I hope to see this trend continuing. I also realized something I really miss, like having a family, having a place I share with a loved one and be able to call home, having someone I love as part of my life. It is time for me to uproot myself from a man I really like but one that cannot give me what I need; it's sad for me, very sad but never the less, the right thing to do. Its new year and this is how I am planning to start my new year, breaking my own heart. I hope the rest of it will be so much better. So I am not going to do that without engaging in a serious conversation, at least trying to; he is really good at dodging them, but at least I should try; dodging that will give me the answer I need just as well.

I am thankful, even at this junction, that my life are mine to build or destroy; that I have choices. I am thankful I can get up and leave and not be stuck ever again in an unhappy relationship. I am thankful for so many presents I got for being in this relationship, for a great man I met. I am thankful for this longest relationship I had since I left home. I am thankful that even as I know I am heading for a breakup I would not choose not to have had it. I am so much better for having it in my life; for having him in my life, and it breaks my heart to think I have to end it.  

Home stretch

Day 615 - I thought I am giving myself some needed TLC but at 2 am I woke up and felt so sick I couldn't fall asleep again for almost an hour. So I was very tired and a little drained today, but I am on the final stretch of the project, and can't even afford this kind of luxury. I have to finish it by Wednesday night for an early submission on Thursday. Almost done, I can't wait for it to be behind me, I can't wait to have an evening with nothing to do, just me and a good book and my bed. Few more days, I can do it, I know I can...

I am thankful it is the day of atonement here tomorrow, a day off work so I'll have few extra hours and on Wednesday, just enough to have it all done. I am thankful my daughter is here for these two days; she'll keep  me grounded and sane even during the last crash. I am thankful I can go to sleep, I am literally falling asleep.   

Some needed TLC

Day 614 - It is the first day on our winter time and so by 6pm it was dark - a little depressing, I have to admit, but I guess I'll get use to it. Other than that, nothing really happen today; one of those days. I didn't even made as much progress as I planned on my report today which means extra work tomorrow. But if this is how I felt than I guess this is what I needed; I can't always be on. so the one thing I can do as an act of kindness to my self is to go to bed now, maybe even with a book, something I haven't done lately, just an evening of TLC towards myself after a very intense workload on the weekend.
  
So I am thankful I can do an act of kindness and not be upset about lack of energy, but respect that and play along. I am thankful for an early bed time. I am thankful for a bed that is waiting for me, for the food I ate tonight, for the roof over my head and for an aircondition, if it'll be too warm in my room. I am thankful I have a down day because I will appreciate so much more my renewed energy tomorrow. I am thankful I can say good night now at 10:30pm - don't remember the last time I saw this hour while in bed!

A giant step forward

Day 613 - Saturday and all I did today was my project. I didn't leave my home at all. For many hours I read about the temples complex of Angkor and the history of the Khmer empire and I wrote a descriptive tour of the place and its temples. I finished that part and now all I have left is details of few day tour of the country. I have most of it already planned so I will finish it by Wednesday the latest and will submit it on Thursday, meeting my deadline and even without some late nights crunch. The more I read about it the more I want to travel to Cambodia and see all that in person. I looks amazing from the pictures and from all the materials I read. My daughter was suppose to come back tonight and decided to stay at the Kibbutz and go to her base from there; my MF did not call today so I have no idea if he is back in town or not. In regular times these two events, especially the combination might be sad for me but today I am thankful for that since it gave me few more hours of guilt free work. And besides, I am so happy my daughter is having so much fun after the rough week she had. And now it's very late already and I am going to sleep. Luckily the turn the clock back tonight, we start the winter time early here, so I have an extra hour to sleep tonight, but even with that it's late so this is a short entry, just to say I'm on track and making serious progress; just to say that even on a busy day I am not neglecting my blog. 
  
I am thankful for hours of work I put under my belt; for a project that slowly starts to look like something I will be happy to put my name to it. I am thankful for all I learn every day about the country, its people, history and archaeology. I am thankful my daughter is having so much fun with her friends this weekend. I am thankful for the extra hour of sleep we have tonight, I sure need it. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, knowing my work is almost done.

About Procrastination

Day 612 - It's Friday, a day to go out and have fun. My hiking group is doing an overnight trip and I did not join them. instead I stayed home and I am working on my Cambodia project. Not sure I was up for a weekend trip but a one day could have been great had I finished my project on time, but I didn't and now I have only few days left. So it is Friday and I was working for a few hours on that and by now I am ready to go to sleep. I have a major part tomorrow - to write about the temple complex of Angkor Wat I think tomorrow is all I need, but if not enough, I'll finish it on Sunday and then I have to finish planning the tour of Phnom Penh and the country side and I am done. It is the holidays' month so we have Tuesday and Wednesday off - perfect all I need to put the last touches on my project. So yes, I didn't go to the trip but I am making serious progress and I even had over two hours of beach time for one more sunset perfect. Life is good, I really can't complain and I enjoy this project so much that its really not a burden for me but one more way for me to learn new things. The good thing is that my daughter is in the Kibbutz, and my MF is out of town visiting his daughter so I don't feel guilty for being so absorbed in my work, for neglecting everyone; or being destructed and in danger of not doing enough.
  
I am thankful for a day I had for myself and my project. I am thankful for great strides I made in the past few days. I am thankful for this opportunity to learn new things.I am thankful I chose this country and I really hope to travel there soon. I am thankful my work is almost done. 

A Simple Act of Kindness

Day 611 - Only few days ago I wrote that I think I'm going to break up with the guy I am dating, that I cannot take it, but I keep hesitating since I know he is an amazing guy and we just have to learn to communicate in a way that will work for both, I know that there is so much potential here, and as much as I get frustrated sometimes I don't want to give up, he is too good to let go without a fight. Like his birthday party that was so much fun, or the way he connected with my daughter or the way he cares about us, once he lowered his guards and allowed us to get in. Today was a difficult day, another medical procedure for my daughter and one more confirmation to the condition behind it all. She is amazing, she went into an unpleasant procedure without any complains, and was a real trooper through it all. I brought her home after it was over and she was in and out of sleep for a few hours. And my MF decided to come over and see how she is doing. He even made something and wanted to bring it over but was not sure she is allowed to eat it, because of all her diet restrictions. It was so sweet and so considerate and it brought tears to my daughter's eyes. We were talking about this procedure and I mentioned I am delaying it for years and he told me I should  do it and he'll come with me (!) how sweet. I was in a loss for words; we are so not used to kindness, my daughter and I, that we are simply overwhelmed by its display. How sad it is that the two of us are so deprived of male kindness in our lives that it really shakes us so much.  This is why I am fighting for this relationship, he has such a good and caring heart, something so rare, that I want to learn how to work through issues that are not deal breakers, that are manageable with the right attitude and willingness.
   
I am thankful that this round of tests is behind us now and hopefully the doctor has some tricks up his sleeves to make my daughter feel a little better. I am thankful I can be with her through it all, and make it a little easier, I hope, for being by her side.I am thankful for this amazing daughter of mine, for her spirit and strength, that cannot be broken. I am thankful to my friend for being here, for being so nice and kind to my daughter, for smiles and hugs and respect; for opening up to her and making her feel so good. I am thankful to him for being so kind and supportive of me right now, for his caring and love. I am so thankful to him for being here for us today when we needed it.    

Bad Diagnosis

Day 610 - A month after the test my daughter took we had a meeting with her doctor to discuss the results. We got them in the mail and our interpretation caused us to ask for the consultation, and sure enough, they are not good. A disease she is dealing with since childhood is suddenly out of control and caused havoc in her system, this explained all the myriad of symptoms we saw for months now and had no explanation since we didn't even know it can get act up when she is so careful to follow all the instructions and restrictions . It is not a life threatening disease but a very debilitating situation and something she will have to deal with for a very long time, maybe the rest of her life. and it is especially upsetting knowing she did everything she could and yet it got out of control. So she is going for more tests tomorrow and maybe even more later, to see if this is the only thing or are there some hidden issues we don't know about yet, since too many times an autoimmune disease likes company. 
  
What can I be thankful for today? I guess that I am thankful we finally know what makes her so sick in the past few months; even if right now there is no cure, it is still good to know what is it that messes things up so much. And I am thankful, as difficult as it is, that this is not a life threatening disease; I know my daughter disagree with me here, but I am so thankful she is sick but not beyond hope. I am thankful one more time that I am here, that I work at this hospital so my daughter is not here alone to deal with all her issues and that I can use my connections to expedite procedures for her. I am thankful beyond word for this amazing daughter of mine that through all this ordeal manages to keep her spirits up and only the closest people even know what she is going through. I am thankful, so very thankful for having her in my life!

A very special birthday celebration

Day 609 - today is the birthday of my MF. He wasn't sure how much he really wants to celebrate it but after a little nudge from my daughter he agreed to go out with us tonight. We went to a really good restaurant and we had such a good time. I told him that both of us together are a lot of fun, actually all the three of us were, and the atmosphere was so great. It is the first time they met today after almost three months we are dating and it made me so happy to be all the three of us together and see how much they liked each other. They are the two most important people in my life here so it can be really stressful, but I had the feeling they will get along. My daughter is absolutely amazing and I am yet to meet someone who doesn't like her and he is such a great guy and  I was sure she'll like him too. And It was even better that I expected. We enjoyed an amazing evening, full of laughter and little stories and later even really deep talks. 
I love birthdays, it gives us the opportunity to stop for a second and reflect. Ponder about the year that just passed and the one standing at the gate - what we did that was great what is it we are looking forward to this coming year. He went first, being the birthday boy, and than we did too since it is after all also our New Year. There was a lot of intimacy and honesty and we all found out interesting things we didn't pay attention to before going through this little exercise, which is why i love doing it. It made me realize once again, how lucky I am to be here, to be who I am right now and to know it will only get better. And with total disregard to what tomorrow will bring with it, today I was so happy I could barely contain it all. We were for one moment in time a little tight unit so happy and perfect. And now, like in the Buddhism tradition, I let go of this illusion and be happy for that fleeting moment of sheer happiness, for being so content. I could not ask for a better evening, and what's even more important my daughter enjoyed it so much and liked him a lot and he had an amazing time and from being so reluctant about celebrating his b-day he was just there, so happy, so relaxed and so much enjoying this very special evening. It was magic and I feel so blessed for that.
  
I am thankful to my daughter for bringing up the subject and inviting him to join us for dinner. I am thankful to him for accepting the invitation. I am thankful to both of them for making this evening so very special, for being so nice to each other, for actually liking each other. I am so thankful for a fleeting moment of total happiness. I am thankful beyond words for moments like these when magic touches my life and illuminate them to the core. 

About human cruelty and compassion

Day 608 - We came back from the kibbutz early afternoon and most of my evening was devoted to my Cambodia project. I am writing about the Khmer Rouge era between 1975-1979 and the more I read about it the more disturbed I am about the magnitude of human cruelty, about the ability of the people to look at suffering, to cause intense suffering and be totally indifferent to it. I just don't get it. I am a daughter of the Jewish nation, I know our own history, the atrocities committed during the holocaust to our people that their only crime was being born as Jews. But still every time I read about such horrific deeds I am asking again the same question how can one human being can cause so much suffering and pain, even take the life of another? how can anyone be sick enough to do that, to create a whole theory to justify it and than go about implementing it? how can one do that to his own people? I can only hope I'll never do understand that, and that I will never have to face something like that from either side of the gun barrel. It's sad, so sad to face the cruelty our kind can master within their heart. Not a good reading for the New Year but one very important lesson. We should always keep a very compassionate heart and never forget who we are. We should never ignore the sufferings of people less fortunate than us. And maybe this is a good thing to thing about in a day like that, to make sure I will always stay connected, to find a good cause to volunteer, something I didn't do yet since I moved here and maybe it is time for me to start doing that. I wanted to write about an intense disappointment I had today, but I find this so negligible when compared to the issue at hand. It sure puts life into a whole new perspective.
  
I am thankful for a wonderful morning I had today with our family in the kibbutz. I am thankful my daughter and her friends chose to stay the night here, in my home; it makes me so happy to know they are so comfortable and at home here. I am thankful for many hours of work I managed to cram today and another step closer to the finish line of my project. I am thankful that I came to the conclusion I want to start volunteering; and I hope to find something meaningful.       

New Year Celebration

Day 607 - it is the Jewish New Year and people all over the country are celebrating tonight. We decided that this year we, me and my daughter, are going to celebrate with her family in the kibbutz. They are absolutely amazing and really took her as part of the family and she loves them dearly; and so far we never celebrated a holiday in the kibbutz. Considering the fact that her military time is almost over and she will leave the kibbutz soon, we felt it is the right thing to do. And I am so happy we did. They are so wonderful and to celebrate in a kibbutz is something very special. I used to live in a kibbutz many years ago and I forgot this community feeling. All the performances by the kids and adult members of the community. It was so very special. 
It is a long drive from the city where I live, but I used the time to call all my friends, one after another, and wish them happy new year. I talked to some people I haven't spoken to in a very long time. From now I will make it a habit to go over my phone book every so often to make sure I keep in contact with everyone in my life, with all my friends. I had a nice surprise with someone I was hesitating whether to call or not and before I got to it, he sent me a sweet SMS wishing me a happy new year. I also had a sad surprise with another call. I heard something in the guy's voice when I called, he is always so cheerful and this time he really wasn't, so I asked why and he told me he was just diagnosed with cancer and he is undergoing a surgery this coming Friday. Not the kind of news you ever want to hear or get. So as always, life is full of surprises good and bad, and the combination of them all put together plus our attitude will determined how our lives will be. So the new year is at our gate, what can I ask for, what do I wish for myself and for my loved ones? I wish the coming year will be good just as the last one, I wish that even moments of low will carry within them the seeds of hope. I wish my thirst for knowledge and learning will never be satisfied, that my health will keep supporting all our grandiouz plans. I wish for inner and outer peace, for many new friends and experiences. I wish to live life to the fullest and not be afraid of the new and unfamiliar; to dare take the less traveled paths.
 
I am thankful for another wonderful year here in my beloved country. I am thankful for being so blessed as to celebrate it with family and friends. I am thankful for all the amazing personal growth I experienced this past year and I can only hope this trend will continue. I am thankful for every moment I am here on this earth, for a wonderful family and so many good friends. I am thankful for frienships and love I am surrounded with, for a man I love every moment I can spend with, and most of all for children that are the dream of every parent. I am thankful beyond words to my daughter that shares her life with me so much more than I ever dared to hope. I am thankful, so very thankful for all the bounty in my life.