My Relationship is Heading South

Day 616 - few hours ago we started the Day of Atonement, the holiest day in our calendar. it is customary to fast on that day. I am not a believer and so I did not fast for many years, but since moving back here I decided to start fasting on this day. I am still not a believer but I am a very spiritual woman and these times of reflection are something I really value. I always try to think of hidden meanings, I am an over-thinker, big times. So this day is perfect for me.  I sit and ponder about my actions in the past year, what was right and what not so. Did I sin towards someone unintentionaly  did I harm anyone psychically or emotionally? what am I taking with me for the new year? I had an amazing year, I did so much growing up during the year. I am so much happier than I was a year ago and I hope to see this trend continuing. I also realized something I really miss, like having a family, having a place I share with a loved one and be able to call home, having someone I love as part of my life. It is time for me to uproot myself from a man I really like but one that cannot give me what I need; it's sad for me, very sad but never the less, the right thing to do. Its new year and this is how I am planning to start my new year, breaking my own heart. I hope the rest of it will be so much better. So I am not going to do that without engaging in a serious conversation, at least trying to; he is really good at dodging them, but at least I should try; dodging that will give me the answer I need just as well.

I am thankful, even at this junction, that my life are mine to build or destroy; that I have choices. I am thankful I can get up and leave and not be stuck ever again in an unhappy relationship. I am thankful for so many presents I got for being in this relationship, for a great man I met. I am thankful for this longest relationship I had since I left home. I am thankful that even as I know I am heading for a breakup I would not choose not to have had it. I am so much better for having it in my life; for having him in my life, and it breaks my heart to think I have to end it.