Happy New Year

Day 347 – December 31^st – New Year’s Eve and we are all going to different parties. My son and my Daughter traveled to the biggest city in our country where the real party animals celebrate. I am a country mouse and so the little parties that my city offers are enough for me. Last year I still knew very few people and was not connected yet to the singles’ scene and so I did not know about the good parties and went with few friends to something that was OK but not more than that. This year I already in the know and so I am going with a few friends to a real party. I am not going to hunt for a partner but actually to dance. I love dancing and so I always look for a good party and this venue always throw good parties, I hope tonight will be no exception. I am already working on my New Year Resolution and I hope that like last year, by year end I will fulfill them all. The most important one – to be happy every day for the rest of my life, whether good things happened or bad, to be happy and thankful for being here on this wonderful planet of ours, in my beloved country, surrounded by family and friends and living my dreams, one by one.

It is now officially January 1^st, 2012 and I just came back for the above mentioned party. Big success, as I hoped it would be. The dancing floor was packed and the music was good, exactly the way I wanted to celebrate this New Year. Maybe next year I will have someone to share the moment with, but for now I am single and happy with that status. Sadly the weekend here is short and New Year is not a holiday here so tomorrow is a regular working day; so by 2am it was getting pretty empty and we decided to leave as well. I will get few hours of sleep, after all.  

   

I am thankful for a wonderful year that just ended, a year of so much learning and personal growth, of challenges and trials but also of triumphs. I am thankful to all the people who made this year so special and to the people who challenged me and made me stretch myself and learn new skills. I am thankful to be here and healthy; that all my loved ones are healthy and happy. I am so thankful I got to celebrate another year.

About Verbal Abuse

Day 346 – after I dropped off my son at the central bus station for his trip to meet his sister at her kibbutz , I drove to the hospital, where I work. I went there to be with a good friend of mine that her mom is now hospitalized after a hip surgery. I saw my friend there the day of the surgery, but I was sick lfor the next few days and could not come to visit again and today was the first time I could do that. I wrote about this friend several times, she is absolutely wonderful and we talk a lot about our personal struggles. We have known each other for many years but only after I came back here and opened up to her about all the mess in my life our friendship got to a new level of openness and quality. We learn a lot from each other, about relationships and the way we function in them. She is the one who first opened my eyes to the book “Words that Kill” and the understanding of the full meaning of verbal abuse; she is the one that finally gave words to the things I felt for so long but didn’t understand all the way. She is doing the work with a psychologist for years and I benefitted beyond words from that. I think we both benefited from this new level of honesty and openness we developed and our friendship got to a place it could never reach before. Because now we are friends as real people and not as one of our masks, one of our roles. So it goes without saying that I will come and spend time with her at the hospital when she is there, and I found out it was also at her time of need. On top of dealing with the situation with her mom, she is also facing a mounting pressure at home and I was happy I was there so she could talk a little and take a little off her chest.

This talk made me very sad and disheartened. I am sad to see how hopeless some relationships are and I try to tell myself that not all men are alike, that there are men out there who are not like the ones I had and she has. I am trying to tell myself that there are also normal and functioning relationships and I just have to learn to identify the signs of verbal abuse very early on; that I can find a good man who can be all that I never had since I got into the wrong kind of relationship; that there is hope for a better tomorrow. Otherwise I prefer to stay single and just have random relationships but nothing long term. I will never give the reigns of my life’s wagon to someone else again. I will never let anyone ever treat me but with the utmost respect and as equal partner, or I will never have a partner again. Sadly I see too much of that around me lately and I hope it is just because my “verbal abuse antennas” are up. But I am happy that I came to that understanding and I truly hope I will be able to make better choices in the future because of that.

I wanted to put a picture about verbal abuse and found the following:  While some abusers yell, threaten, ridicule, or humiliate, others wound with words in less obvious ways: "correcting" your mistakes, disparaging your motives, even "suggesting" a course of action "for your own good."  In most cases women and children are the victims of such behavior, and the reason most often used to explain such abhorring behavior is that it makes the abusers feel better about themselves. We are more aware of this phenomenon as bulling in school but it can be found way too often at home as well. It takes a lot to admit to being a victim of verbal abuse, but this is the first step, to accept the fact, to admit to my part in this destructive dance and let go; to start the healing process. As I found out it takes a very long time; my wounds are still too fresh and every reminder exposes the pain, again. But I know I am on the right path, and I stood for myself and left.  

   
I am thankful I got to help my friend a little today at her time of need. I am thankful for this intense conversation we had today and for so many understandings and realizations I got thanks to that. I am thankful, beyond words, to be here at the end of another year, single and independent and happy . I am thankful I mastered the strength to leave. I am thankful for the trials of my life and the triumphs.  

The Forest Fire - A Year Later

Day 345 – In the middle of the day I started feeling better, my daughter also, so it was, indeed, a 24 hours virus. Even though I am not back to my strength yet, I am so much better than I was yesterday, and I am planning to finish this blog and again go for a long night sleep. Not sure I will be up for a party right now, but I am happy to be out of the woods. This afternoon we drove to show my son the memorial that was erected for the fallen heroes of the fire from last year, I talked about that one in one of my first blog entries. It is amazing to see how much came back already, how green is the area and how every burned tree that was cut down have new seedlings all around it. If you don’t know how the area looked before and how pretty was that natural forest, you can’t see that something is seriously missing there. There are, of course, wide areas of burnt trees and a whole side of the mountain that is still blackened but life is gushing in and coming in full force. It is so sad to come to this memorial and to see the devastation all around and in the same time it bring some hope – there is a new beginning and from that disaster new life and new hopes will start. This is how we have to look at all of our life shifts and turns – not everything was planned, not everything we get our way is something we would choose to have, but good or bad it is up to us to make it something meaningful and grow and get stronger from it. Be a better person for having encountered this obstacle, this setback. I sure would love to be able to treat all the events in my life this way. it is challenging, but I think I really gain a lot every time I manage to do so.
  
I am thankful for a difficult but very inspiring visit today. I am thankful we got to share the story with my son and revisit it all a year later. I am thankful to see that this amazing forest is starting to renew itself; but I am so sad for the loss of so many innocent life during that horrific fire.  

I am Sick

Day 344 – I am sick today, I felt so bad that I left work in the middle of the day. My thermostat was set to 30 (about 90 Fahrenheit) and I was under my very cozy duvet and shivering from cold. I feel only a little better so many hours later, so I might not be well enough to go to work tomorrow. But right now the only thing I want to do is go back to sleep. So this is a very short entry just because I can’t go to sleep for the night before posting my blog. And I am not the only one who is sick; my daughter is in much worse condition and throws up all the time. I hope it is a 24 hours virus and tomorrow we will be better. My son is the only one to hold the fort right now and it falls on him to take care of the both of us – one more reason to be thankful he is here. 

I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a warm blanket and a soft bed especially in a day like that. I am thankful to my son for being here and today also for taking such good care of us. I am thankful for going back to sleep.   

A Failed Test

Day 343 – few months ago I started helping with an initiative to help blind people. The idea was to import and give to them “electrical cane” one that emits ultrasonic waves and warn against obstacle according to their echoes. We even got the support of all the officials for such an enterprise. Few weeks ago we presented the idea to the heads of one of the blind groups here and we asked them to test it. They liked the idea and loved the fact that some people are interested in helping their community and gladly recruited volunteers for the test. And today was the big day. We came there and presented the “cane” explained how it works and out we went to the real world. It was a very important lesson for us. I tested it many times at home, but I am a seeing woman and even without wanting to cheat, if I was not sure of my step – I peeked, most time not even realizing I was doing that. But here we were dealing with real people and really blind and if the “cane” didn’t work well they might fall or hit something. It took a walk on a sidewalk in the downtown of my city to grasp understand what it means to be blind; not see any obstacle or stairs or end of a side walk; a world so mysterious and dangerous. Few steps into the project it was clear to us that this is not the right solution. I was worried they will fall off the sidewalk or down steps and suddenly I saw how dangerous it is to walk the street and cross a crosswalk. We didn’t need them to understand that we might want to help but this device is not the right way, in other words – this device was invented by seeing people. It was a little disappointing after all the work and the big hopes but if someone dear to me was blind I would not let them use this device, not after what I saw today.
   
I am thankful for a very disappointing test; it is exactly the reason that we conducted the test in the first place. I am thankful for getting involved in this project and I know that I will stay involved with this community; what I saw today convinced me just that. I am very thankful for these wonderful people that agreed to come and test the product, that put their trust in us; I am thankful for their eye opening discussion about how it is to be blind. I am thankful to my friend who got me involved in this project and in this community; and I know that he will find a different way to help them.    

The Gift of Reading

Day 342 – on January 1, 1999 I made, like every year, my New Year Resolution list. The one I still remember and follow 13 years later is my decision to read at least one book every month that is not business/work related. I did it because I realized that when I was younger I was a real book worm but as I grew older and got more busy with life and work and kids etc. I forgot to take care of that facet of my life. I made this resolution, but unlike many others that where short lived and fast forgotten, this one stuck with me. I read at least one book every single month and many times I read so much more. It just became something I do. If I see that the middle of the month passed and I didn’t pick a book yet I correct it right away. I had the opportunity to read some very good books during the years and I am very happy about this resolution. Sometimes life gets so hectic and only the fact that I have a deadline, make me pick up a book and start reading. And this is exactly the case now; the end of the month is nearing and a book I started two weeks ago was still by my bed, left in mid-reading. So today after I brought my kids to the central bus station – they are going away for two days to visit some friends – I came back home and picked up the book and finished it in one sitting. Not the best I ever read, but cute and quite funny; and I was reminded of this old resolution, the only one I follow for so many years. This resolution that brought me so many wonderful gifts; I read some really good books over the years and it enriches my life every single month for 13 years. We are standing now few days from the New Year and it is time to think of my resolutions for this coming year, one of them will be, again, to read at least one book every month.
  
I am thankful for a wonderful day I got to spend with my kids, one more day I got to see them and have fun with them and I know that as they get older these precious moments will become fewer and far between, so I am always so thankful for an opportunity like that. I am thankful for another month I got to keep my resolution intact and I am happy for yet another book I read. I feel that each book brings something to me, a gift I can learn from and use. I am thankful for a wonderful evening, I didn’t do it in a long time and it was so much fun. I am very thankful for the opportunity to stay home, all by myself and read. 

Just the Three of Us

Day 341 – It’s Christmas today all over the world but here it is a regular work day. And so I went to work real early this morning thinking that my son and daughter will come to pick me up once they are up and we’ll do something together. But they had other plans just the two of them and so I stayed at work and finished some of the back log of the past week. We drove to the beach and had late lunch there in one of the very empty cafés. And since it was windy and cold we figured it will be very nice and cozy to go home and play some board game, something we all love doing. The choice fell on a game of Scrabble. It was so nice to have some quality time just the three of us like in the old times, before we moved away from each other. I really miss that and I am very happy we found one moment in time to do it again.
  
I am thankful for my son’s visit; it is very difficult for me to be so far from him for such a long time and I am very thankful for these two weeks we get to spend together. I am thankful my daughter got to have some time off from the army and so we are together for a few days, just the three of us. I am very thankful for an evening of family time, just the three of us spending pleasant evening together, playing games. Merry CHristmas to all those who celebrate it.

A Very Heated Discussion

Day 340 – when I decided to leave home part of what was lost forever for my children is their parents’ home, this island of stability and warmth that you can always go back to in times of need; something you always have at the back of your mind. I shattered that dream when I left. I am not sorry for that and I will never think of going back and trying to recreate it, but I understand their loss and their search for new meaning. With my move here and my youngest daughter’s move as well the family split in half; one parent here with the youngest child, the other parent there with the oldest child and my son that all his life saw his job as the bridge between everyone is left hanging in the middle, unable to decide which side to pick. There is a lot of tension and a lot of hostility between the two sides and he is there in the middle paralyzed with the inability to choose. Today things came to a boil there where screams and shouts between him and his younger sister and it seems that all hell got loose. But it enabled us to have a very serious decision and bring a lot of pain and disappointments and frustration to the table and I sure hope that by the end of the night we all feel better. On my part I assured him that my love for him will not change according to where he’ll choose to live or the line of work he will take. I told him that I already proved to him that I might not agree with the choices he make but love will not change because of that. I told him that if it does then I don’t think it is love. And the most important thing is that by polarizing our stands he is forced to make his own choices and not try to satisfy one or the other, it is really a gift. It was a very difficult evening, loaded and painful, but I hope that once we put everything on the table and cleared the air, the next few days we be much better, full of love instead of polarizing all the time. I hope that by the end of his visit we’ll all cry and know it was a very good visit and that it breaks our hearts to be apart from each other. Few years ago I wrote about a visit that left behind nothing at all, I hope this visit will be just the opposite, that it will be significant for all of us and a landmark in our future relations.
   
I am thankful for a wonderful visit with my parents, it was so relaxing and fun and I enjoyed every minute of it. I am thankful for a big fight my son and daughter had that spilled over to me and enabled us to face our feeling and talk about them. I am thankful for a very long and heartfelt talk I had with my son and that at the end of it we are sure in a better place than before. I am thankful for all the gifts that difficult situations bring in their path.
   

Hiking in the Desert with my Kids

Day 339 – We went hiking today in the desert. We woke up late, and by the time we started our hiking it was almost 1pm, and started our hike. We walked for about an hour enjoying the landscape that is so different than anywhere else; realizing my son never had the chance to do just that – hike in this amazing desert so desolate and unspoiled. It was a very warm day, to the point I almost regretted my decision to take a long sleeves shirt, but we all really enjoyed the wonderful weather. After about an hour we decided it is not really possible for us to make it all the way to the top of the mountain and then climb down and reach our car all in the two hours of light still ahead of us and so instead we stopped and made coffee right there, in the middle of this wonderful place before hiking back to our car. My daughter has this kit for making coffee on the go and it is the first time she got to use it, and I can’t think of a better place to do just that. The way the hike unfolded was not what we set up to do but my kids don’t really have a chance to hike here much – my daughter because she is in the army and my son because he doesn’t live here – so anything we do is great, it’s something they didn’t do and see before and next time we’ll come earlier and do more.
  
I am very thankful for a day I got to spend with my kids an out in nature – so much fun and so special; to show them a little of this beautiful country and take them to places I already learned about and they didn’t have the chance to visit. I am thankful for such a great weather, perfect for a trip. I am thankful to this family we met on the trail for the matches they gave us (yes, we forgot matches!!) and by that enabled us to have our coffee in the middle of the desert. I am thankful for such a wonderful day.

Visiting My Parents

Day 338 – My son stayed with friends yesterday night and so today I picked him up en route and then we drove all the way to my parents’ home, about 350 km from where I live. My daughter came here from base and we are going to spend the weekend here; it will give them a chance to see my son after few years they didn’t see him. They in a very small town live in the middle of the desert and the surrounding is just amazing; so, we are planning to go hiking there tomorrow for a few hours. But today we didn’t do much it was a day in transition. Work in the morning for a few hours and then just driving, all the way here. But it was nice to see my daughter after a week in the army, she didn’t see her brother yet and so it was a very special meeting and same for my parents. It makes me so happy to have a little family reunion like that, who knows when the next time will be.
  
I am thankful for a chance to have both my kids with me for a weekend, they are 25 and 19 now, and live on both sides of this wide oceans, it is something I really cherish; I am thankful for the opportunity I had to do it here at my parents and by that make sure they will see him too. I am thankful for a very long day that started at 4:30 this morning and hopefully will end in a few minutes. I am thankful for a day that was almost uneventful and yet it was and we are all here together. A really wonderful day and I am thankful for that.
  

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Day 337 – I wanted to spend the day with my son, but I had to do some work as well so I woke up at 4am this morning and by 5 am I was already at work. This left us most of the day to be together. We drove to the archeological site of the ancient city of Megido, where the Armageddon battle will take place according to tradition. After being there for about an hour my son, rightfully commented that he does not want to do the tourist stuff. He wants to do what the locals do, a very good point; we have to behave like the locals if we want to feel the place, go to the local hang-out places and hike instead of going to tourists’ attractions. So tonight he went with a friend to have some fun in the biggest city in our country and tomorrow we will do some different kind of things, I want him to feel the local beat and I am thankful to him for making that comment so I can tweak things a beat to make it better experience for him.
From there we drove to meet my brother, his two daughters and two grandsons. I didn’t see them in a very long time, the little baby is our months old and I didn’t see him yet, means I didn’t see them in more than four months; no excuses, it is just not right and I will make sure it will not happened again. I live less than two hours from them, really no excuse. It is too easy to be absorbed in my own little world and forget others, but it is not right and will not happen again. It was much fun to see them and the older boy is almost two years old and sooo cute; I had much fun playing with him. It was also a very interesting discussion with my brother who is rung a charity organization and helps 500 needy families on a regular basis for years. He has no money and yet he takes care of others, he is an amazing man and I just wish I can do even a little of what he does. Yet another mirror through which to look at myself and realize some changes are in order.
      I am thankful for another day with my son, I don’t have many of those anymore and I appreciate every moment we spend together. I am thankful for the chance I am getting to make some serious changes to the way I think and see things. I am thankful a blind was removed and I can see more clearly now. I am thankful to my brother for all the goodness of his heart.   

Examine Our Prisms

Day 336 – I took the day off today and I spent the whole day with my son. We drove to Nazareth and saw the Annunciation church; we even went into this very beautiful and modern church. It was a little unsettling to see all the signs around this holly church quoting passes from the Quran such as “and whoever seeks religion other than Islam, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers” I have to admit, I didn’t like this open display of disagreement, I would even go one step further and say verbal violence. The city’s population used to be almost entirely Christians, but at present they are only 31% of the population, and signs as the one I just quoted are highlighting this shift. it made me a little sad to see that. Later we drove through the very narrow allies of Kafr Kanna looking for a pretty mosque we saw from the road; it’s funny how such a big thing can “get lost” when we wondered through the village’s roads, but after almost an hour we found it.  We ended the day in Tiberias, the city on the edge of the sea of Galilee; we wondered the city and visited some archeological sites, in short a very productive day. But the most important part of the day was spending time with my son, getting into some very philosophical discussions about tolerance, prejudice and such, being challenged to examine our prisms through which we see the world; A very eye opening day, in more ways than we care to admit.
I am thankful for such a wonderful day; for all the sites we visited, for all the wonderful conversations we had throughout the day. I am so very tired after such a long day that all I can think about is my bed. I am thankful for that and I am leaving my desk right now, for a good night sleep.

A Very Interesting Class

Day 335 – Every Monday I am taking a class for the tour guide course. We cover so many different subjects and it is fascinating for me. We cover religions as one of these subjects. We already covered Christianity and Judaism and this week we started with Islam. I am ashamed to admit how little I knew about it, how little I know now. I learned about the beginning of Islam what was there in the Arabian Peninsula 1000 years before Mohamed was born. I learned about the things that had a major influence on the development of that the Islam at the beginning. I learned how little I know and how much I made assumptions about things I knew almost nothing about. I also realized how important it is to learn Arabic; if I want to understand it I have to understand the language since a language is the gateway and the key to society. It is a very intriguing class and the teacher was challenging us all the time, making us realize how little we know about our neighbors how little we understand. Some people where upset with the teacher and his bold methods, but I found it very interesting and inspiring. It made me realize that if we ever want to understand the people living among us, if we ever want to find a way to live together in harmony and with respect to each other we’ll have to understand their culture and their way of thinking. It is disrespectful and naïve to believe otherwise.

   

I am thankful for a very inspiring class today. I am thankful the teacher opened my eyes to my ignorance and motivated me to seek some knowledge beyond the scope of class; I already ordered a book he recommended and I will check about learning Arabic. I am also thankful to my son, who just took a whole semester in college about that, for a very interesting talk we had about it tonight; I love these hour long discussion we do and I really missed it. I am thankful for his visit.     

My Son is Here for a Visit

Day 334 –   In less than a month I got to see all my family. First it was my daughter her fiancé and their little baby, my granddaughter, and today my son arrived for a two weeks visit. It’s been half a year since we last met – way too long and it sure will not happen again. It was a combination of several things that caused this long lag but there is no excuse for that. Since he came here alone, and for a longer visit, it will be easier for him to travel and see family and friends but also to have time to travel around and get to enjoy the beauty of our country; to take a hike, see some of the party life scenes (his younger sister and cousins will be responsible for that part). It sure will be a very different trip than he did before we knew a little more about the local scenery, now that we live here.
It was so wonderful to see him after such a long time; he was very tired of course after a very long flight, but managed to stay awake until after 11pm which promises a regular day tomorrow with not much of a jet lag. And tomorrow I will go in the morning for a few hours to work and then we will take a trip to some interesting archeological site not far from where we live, the site of the Armageddon battle will take place according to tradition. On our way home we had some serious discussion about the role of nationalism in creating rifts between people, the definition of us vs. they; the stories, traditions created for this bonding between people and their homeland. We both like this kind of discussions and can go back and forth for hours, and I have to admit, I missed it. It is so wonderful to have him here and the fact he'll be staying with me for at least part of his visit, will make such a big difference. I am very tired and my writing is not very coherent but I’ll try to write earlier and better tomorrow.

  

I am so thankful for my son’s visit; he chose to spend almost all his winter vacation from college here with us and I am very thankful for that. I am so thankful for the opportunity to spend some quality time with him and to get to know him again, half a year later. I am very thankful to my ex-husband for enabling this visit. It is so wonderful to have my son here and I am thankful beyond words for that. 

Making Some Progress With My Book

Day 333 –   I had a few hours this weekend that my daughter met with a friend. And so I decided it is a perfect opportunity to get back to my book. I am very happy to report that I just finished the first pass on it, reading it from beginning to end. I am going to incorporate all the changes I made so far, add another chapter that I wrote and two more that I am still planning to write and then have a second pass at reading it. I find this process very interesting, as well as challenging at times. I am very happy I finished reading the book for the first time; it is a very important milestone. Now starts the endless process of editing as well as adding new material that I feel will makes the book clear and better. It was only few months ago I decided to put my writing into a book that I want to publish and now I am already doing first review. It is very scary of course to put myself out, but also very exciting. My deadline for finalizing and submitting the book is two months from now and the way it looks, I will be able to meet it; and then I’ll have to cross my fingers and wait for a positive answer from a publisher that wants to publish it. I have to admit, as scary as it is I am really looking forward to it all. I have this idea of writing books for a very long time and I am so happy I finally took steps to make this dream a reality. Whether it will be published or not, successful or not is a whole different issue; I am taking the steps to make a dream come true and this is a huge thing and I am very happy about that.

  

I am thankful to be at this stage of first reviews of my work. I am thankful for the idea to publish. I am thankful to all the people who encouraged me to do so; to all the friends who helped me improve my writing. I am so thankful to the friends who helped me be strong enough to be able to deliver my brainchild and submit it for criticism, to dare wishing to put it in the limelight and not buckle away. I am thankful for such a challenging experience.  

   

A Day to Remember

Day 332 –   knowing it is going to be a difficult day for my daughter and to celebrate her miraculous second chance at life I decided to do something very special; a pampering day at the spa. I kept it a secret until we parked in front of it and only then she realized what the plan is. We started with a wonderful breakfast, yes it was  2pm, but in our book it is never too late for a good breakfast, and then we continued with the spa fun. It goes like that: hot tub, wet sauna, dry sauna – repeat. To end it all we had an hour of a wonderful massages, another round of sauna and we called it a day. Now we are back home and we still have in our plan to go to the movie and watch MI-4 in the VIP theater with food and drinks; a packed day full of fun. I told her that I feel it is celebration of life. We are a year later and we are here to remember and tell the story. This is the one time I don’t even want to think about parallel worlds; I never want to know how that world, where she didn’t make it through the night looks like. I told her I am not sure I am even there in that world; I don’t know that my heart would not break of sorrow over there. But thankfully we are here with battle scars to show for it, but we are here in this world alive and laughing, celebrating the one year anniversary to the most trying day of her life. We shed some tears, but mostly we are so grateful to be here. Here in this world, here in this wonderful country of ours, here just the two of us – just as it should on this special day.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful day; for some heart to heart talk and for some new realizations we both came to. I am thankful and will always be for all the forces that had to align for us to be able to be happy today. I am thankful for the wonders of life, of our lives.   

The First Anniversary to My Daughetr's Shock

Day 331 –   exactly a year ago my daughter was in the middle of her hair dye ordeal. We just landed few hours before, and she was already checked out of the first hospital and on the way to the second, the one where I work. They kept her overnight just to make sure that the allergic reaction is under control and not escalating. We thought it’s the end of the story – little did we know, it only just begun. The next evening she ended up in yet another hospital, now with full blown allergic reaction falling rapidly in to an anaphylactic shock. The scary thing is to see it escalating and not being able to stop what’s coming next. It passed the point of no return. Only the miracles of modern medicine and the fact that it all happened in the hospital are to thank for the fact that she is still with us today. Even in the hospital it was scary, she was definitely the most serious patient in the ER and everyone was around her, fighting for her life, as she collapsed again an hour later. The nightmare is still fresh in our mind and it still has the power to bring so much pain and tears, to wish it never happened. But we are here a year later and she is in such a wonderful place in her life, that it also brings something very positive and optimistic with it. She not only survived, she is thriving and it is still only the dawn of her life. She will be here to tell this story and to commemorate the date so many times. It is here to tell a story of hope instead of telling a story of loss. I know it is too painful for her to look at it this way, but I am celebrating the fact that a year later I can hug my daughter when she cries remembering the horrific events of that night, that she is here among us.

      

I am thankful for the fact we are here together today to commemorate that event; I hope it will always be a guide but never a hindrance. I am thankful beyond words to everyone who took part in making sure she will survive that night, for all the friends who came to the hospital to be with us. My heart is full of thanks for her life; and this is what I celebrate this weekend.

Women's Pack

Day 330 –   I came home late today since I went shopping after work. After I took my dog for a long walk in the park and in the neighborhood I talked to a friend of mine and convinced her that although it was 9:15pm already it’s really not too late to go out for coffee and so I picked her up and we went to a local coffee joint. We stayed there for almost two hours and it was so nice. In the center of a city I expect places to stay open late, but this one is a gem, known only to the local crowd and yet it was packed until all evening. I like it very much that 10 pm is an hour when people are still going out even in the middle of the week. It always bothered me on there, where I used to live that at 10pm almost everything is closed, I like it that I am not the only one still looking for fun at these “ungodly” hours. I had a lot of fun with my friend; we met a year ago in a women’s group and I still remember how sad she was over her divorce and how much she cried back then. And now, a year later, she laughs all the time and she is so happy to be on her own and do whatever she feels like. We sure had a lot to talk about! It makes me so happy to see how we all settling into our single women’s life and we enjoyed it very much. The problem is that we might get so used to it that we’ll have a problem giving it us. It is very interesting to watch the process we all went through of letting go of the past and embrace our present and our future; we all become strong and independent, finally living life to the fullest. We already started talking about few trips I’ll organize when I am done with my class and we’ll find a group of women to join us. That can be so much fun!!

  

I am thankful for a very good day. I bought some good presents to a friend; I had some meaningful phone calls, something that doesn’t happen every day. I had a very late coffee with my friend and a very lovely talk. I am thankful for the inspiration we all take from each other, for the support we give and get each one in her hour of need. Women’s pack – such an important support group.

Planning a Trip to Romania

Day 329 –   Part of the requirements for the Tour Guides course I am taking is to create a trip to a country of our choice. This is a huge project – at least 80 pages long and it includes facts and figures about the country, history, geography, economy, religions, art, culture, and anything else we can think of. It also includes a detailed plan for a two weeks trip to that country. I figured I better start working on it since it is a lot of work and some info I can collect already, even before we get the official explanations. Since I am planning to take my dad to Romania this spring, I figured I can use this opportunity to prepare the trip. So today I started collecting the data and it will be something I will work on for the next few months. I am very excited about this since I love doing research about new places and plan trips and this class teaches me to take trip preparations to a new level.  I am also very happy about it since I wanted to take my dad on this trip for a very long time, and now it starts materializing. It is a very emotional trip for him – going back to his birth place and all, so I will try to prepare some very special things for him. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I want to make sure it will be a great experience for him.

  

I am very thankful I get the opportunity to do something so special for my dad. I am thankful I have enough time to prepare for this trip and I am learning how to do some serious trip planning. I am thankful for the idea to start working on this project; I will report about my progress every so often. And, as a side note, I’ll be very thankful if you won’t tell my dad about my plans just yet, since I want it to be a surprise.

A Very Inspirational Lunch

Day 328 –   I had lunch today with one of my co-workers. Usually we go in a group, so there is no place for personal conversations but today it was just the two of us and we had a very eye opening talk. Her husband died a little more than a year ago after 3 years of marriage and I asked her how she is dealing with it. She talked about her unwavering belief in God and his presence in her life; about her deep conviction that He knows what’s best for them and that she knows she’ll meet her husband again; that she knows he is in a better place right now. I looked at her and it made me realize what religion is doing for people. It gives purpose and meaning and solace. It helps you accept the reality even when it’s very difficult, by simply believing with all your heart that there is someone who knows the Why even when we don’t know, when we are losing our way.  It made me envy for this deep conviction and the peace of mind it brings with it. I was thinking to myself, here I have this woman who lost her husband so recently and she is so strong and positive, she has no anger in her. I am not sure I will be able to do that. It was a very eye opening discussion. It puts things in perspective for me, as  I am still so sad about the break-up, as much as I want to tell myself I don’t, and here I see real loss and I know I am lucky. The man I love might not want to share his life with me, but he is alive and well, so I am sad about losing my dream but not about losing him.

  

I am thankful to my friend for this inspiring talk; it made me look at being religious in a whole new way; I am not sure I can do that but I admire those who can. I am thankful that after few months we work together I finally got to have a personal talk and I found a very interesting woman that I would love to get to know more. I am thankful for this inspiring discussion; for the new perspective I gained on my life. I am thankful my beloved is well, even if he is not with me.

A Lazy Evening

Day 327 –   I didn’t feel like doing anything productive this evening. So I just worked on some puzzles and card games for a couple of hours. The funny thing is that I feel guilty about that, and I really don’t see any reason why. I worked for 9 hours today and did it well, I took my dog for her daily walks in the morning and at night, I talked to two friends on the phone, I talked to my son and my youngest daughter; and I searched for more than an hour for volunteering opportunities and I think I have some ideas that I will check tomorrow during business hours; so it was a very productive day. I just didn’t feel like going to the gym or doing anything that requires too much thinking. I think there is a merit to that as well, especially considering the fact that tomorrow is a very long day.  Most people when they are tired just flop in front of the TV, I don’t have a TV so this is my version of a lazy evening, the first one in a year and a half.

 I am thankful I got to spend a relaxed evening at home playing some mindless games. I am thankful for an evening of fun. I am thankful I can be kind enough to myself and understand that I too deserve some down time. I am thankful that after a year and a half I found some time for that.

A Very Relaxed Weekend

Day 326 –   I am very happy to report that it is now 36 hours later and I still feel great. I had no pain at all, not any discomfort and I didn’t have to take any medications, other than antibiotics, so I am very happy about that. It seems I really found myself a dentist.

The good thing about going through a surgery is that you have a license to take it easy for a day or two. And this is exactly what I did today.  I woke up today at 10:30 and by the time I left home to take my dog for a long walk it was past 12. This is such a treat in my usually very busy schedule. Something so simple as having a nap in the middle of the day or get up late feel like something so special for me. I have to take notice and do that more often. I don’t have to wait for a surgery to treat myself to something special, to pamper myself. Later I met my ex mother-in-law for lunch (yes, lunch a day after dental surgery!!) and I went with my daughter to meet dear friends we met “back home” and now they also moved back here few months ago. In short it was a relaxed and lovely day and I am very happy to have such a weekend. I know I will be more refreshed and ready for a new week.

  

I am so thankful my surgery went so well; that I was up and running today with no pain and no limitations at all. I am thankful for a very relaxed day I got to enjoy with family and friends. And as always, I am thankful to my daughter for coming here and spending the night with me, it is always so wonderful when she is here.

I Found a Good Dentist

Day 325 –   I had to go through a complex dental work. I found out about that in June when I went to visit after my granddaughter was born. I saw my dentist there but he told me he cannot do it since it has to be done in stages and I don’t live there anymore. He did some temporary fixing and advised me to find a good dentist here, so I can take care of the problem. It took me almost half a year to settle on a dentist I am ready to trust, and I was ready to drive more than an hour away to see him. So today, I finally started the process. He did the surgery, and I am very happy to report that he did a very good job, at least so far. I was not sure how I’ll be after the procedure and in how much pain, so I asked my daughter to come with me so she can drive on the way back; which she did, but I was really fine. Even now, more than 12 hours later I have no pain and no bleeding, so I think it went very well. Some people don’t take their dentist selection very seriously, but I do. I think it is one of the most important people in my professional caregivers circle and I am very happy I found a dentist I can trust. Until now, for a year and a half since I moved here I did everything back “home”, during my short visits, so driving an hour away is really nothing. When I came back home I decided it is very therapeutic to have a mid-day nap – a very rare treat; I had a very relaxed evening working on some cross-word and Sudoku puzzles – doctor’s order to take it easy, and now I am going to bed with a book. A perfect evening, what can I say…  and I just love that!!

  

I am thankful I found a good dentist and I finally started to take care of the problem. Dental work in not something I want to delay, it just gets worse and it can have very unpleasant consequences. I am very thankful to my friends for a great recommendation. I am so thankful to my daughter that came with me today and drove me back; I know she has so little free time, now that she is in the army, and I really appreciate her willingness to be with me and help. I am very thankful I felt good enough so I could enjoy a wonderful evening.  

The Machine Gun Preacher

Day 324 –   We just came back from a movie – “The Machine Gun Preacher” about what’s going on in Sudan and one man’s war there. It is a very heavy movie; I heard the stuff and read about it but to see the children and the suffering there is a very different thing. And yes, it is a movie but it tells a very real story of pointless and endless killings, of destruction and cruelty beyond imagination. It tells a story of what a group of people in the name of a cause are doing to innocent children, women and men. It is appalling and disturbing beyond words and we are sitting here away from it all and do nothing. I don’t really know what I can do, I don’t want to go there, not on the humanitarian aids groups and not as this man that is fighting one man’s war. But I want to help somehow. There is so much poverty and pain and suffering in this world I have to find a way to get more involved in it. We had on our way back a long discussion if what this guy is doing is OK? Is he there for the children or is he there for the fight. It is probably a combination of both but does it really takes away from what he does, from all the children he saves and protects, feeds and clothes? He does more for these children than anyone I know.

   

I am thankful I watched this movie. I usually avoid these kind of movies, they are too disturbing for me, but I am thankful I watched this one. It is a story worth telling and I am thankful I watched it and now I have something to think about – how can I contribute, how do I get involved.  A subject I will give a lot of thinking about in the next few days and I am very thankful for that.