About Verbal Abuse

Day 346 – after I dropped off my son at the central bus station for his trip to meet his sister at her kibbutz , I drove to the hospital, where I work. I went there to be with a good friend of mine that her mom is now hospitalized after a hip surgery. I saw my friend there the day of the surgery, but I was sick lfor the next few days and could not come to visit again and today was the first time I could do that. I wrote about this friend several times, she is absolutely wonderful and we talk a lot about our personal struggles. We have known each other for many years but only after I came back here and opened up to her about all the mess in my life our friendship got to a new level of openness and quality. We learn a lot from each other, about relationships and the way we function in them. She is the one who first opened my eyes to the book “Words that Kill” and the understanding of the full meaning of verbal abuse; she is the one that finally gave words to the things I felt for so long but didn’t understand all the way. She is doing the work with a psychologist for years and I benefitted beyond words from that. I think we both benefited from this new level of honesty and openness we developed and our friendship got to a place it could never reach before. Because now we are friends as real people and not as one of our masks, one of our roles. So it goes without saying that I will come and spend time with her at the hospital when she is there, and I found out it was also at her time of need. On top of dealing with the situation with her mom, she is also facing a mounting pressure at home and I was happy I was there so she could talk a little and take a little off her chest.

This talk made me very sad and disheartened. I am sad to see how hopeless some relationships are and I try to tell myself that not all men are alike, that there are men out there who are not like the ones I had and she has. I am trying to tell myself that there are also normal and functioning relationships and I just have to learn to identify the signs of verbal abuse very early on; that I can find a good man who can be all that I never had since I got into the wrong kind of relationship; that there is hope for a better tomorrow. Otherwise I prefer to stay single and just have random relationships but nothing long term. I will never give the reigns of my life’s wagon to someone else again. I will never let anyone ever treat me but with the utmost respect and as equal partner, or I will never have a partner again. Sadly I see too much of that around me lately and I hope it is just because my “verbal abuse antennas” are up. But I am happy that I came to that understanding and I truly hope I will be able to make better choices in the future because of that.

I wanted to put a picture about verbal abuse and found the following:  While some abusers yell, threaten, ridicule, or humiliate, others wound with words in less obvious ways: "correcting" your mistakes, disparaging your motives, even "suggesting" a course of action "for your own good."  In most cases women and children are the victims of such behavior, and the reason most often used to explain such abhorring behavior is that it makes the abusers feel better about themselves. We are more aware of this phenomenon as bulling in school but it can be found way too often at home as well. It takes a lot to admit to being a victim of verbal abuse, but this is the first step, to accept the fact, to admit to my part in this destructive dance and let go; to start the healing process. As I found out it takes a very long time; my wounds are still too fresh and every reminder exposes the pain, again. But I know I am on the right path, and I stood for myself and left.  

   
I am thankful I got to help my friend a little today at her time of need. I am thankful for this intense conversation we had today and for so many understandings and realizations I got thanks to that. I am thankful, beyond words, to be here at the end of another year, single and independent and happy . I am thankful I mastered the strength to leave. I am thankful for the trials of my life and the triumphs.