Getting My Bearings Again

Day 321 – I was reminded once again that in life we have no control over things that happened to us. We have no control over the roll of the dice. The only thing we can control is our reactions to whatever comes our way.  I can get angry, or upset, or devastated, as expected, or I can choose not to. I can be the victim of my life’s circumstances or I can take control. For many years I chose the reactive mode and as a result I felt that things are out of control, and thinking about it now, they really were out of control. I left my life-wagon with no one in the driver’s seat; and so I aimlessly veered with no clear direction, and was left unhappy and at a loss. When I decided to leave home, it was my wake-up call. It was my announcement that from now on things are going to change dramatically. And this is how it was for the first year here, and this is why I was so happy, and full of energy. But bad habits are hard to die; and I was not watchful enough and I fell asleep at the wheel. In my budding attempts at dating again I fell into the same habits I had before, to be the weak woman I once was. I was full of expectations, I was easy to disappoint, I was waiting and whining, all really bad habits, all are in the negative reactive mode and all putting pressure on the very hesitant man on the other side. I took the fun out of it, and loaded something that was supposed to be just fun with mountains of expectations. And then I wondered why I chased him away. My daughter loves the movie “How to lose a guy in 10 days” very funny, but I followed the movie way too closely, and why? Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Why not just enjoy the day and let tomorrow be where it belongs. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow and try to actually live in the present. I was very good at saying all that but not so much at living it when I was put to the test. It took me almost a week after we broke up to understand that. I hope I can still fix things up or at least learn something for next time. From now on I have no future but many todays. I am not planning anything and I am actually going to open my eyes and let things roll the way they are, the way they should. I am back from the future and into today, in full force; this is truly the only place I can really be, the only place where life takes place. And I can only regret not seeing it when I could still patch things up.

  

I am very thankful for this understanding that finally came my way. I am thankful for every day I have, happy or sad, good or bad; it is a privilege and I am very thankful for that allows me to live life to the fullest, to enjoy all the array of emotions, to be truly alive. I am thankful to my dear friend, that I hope I didn’t chase him away too far, for being with me through this crazy period when I kind of lost my sight, for being patient and kind and I apologize for that. I am thankful for getting my bearings again; it feels so much better and right.