I am So Sad Even After a Great Hiking Trip

Day 319 – My best friend from back there is here for a visit. She came for a two weeks’ vacation with her fiancé and she had the great idea to meet several of her friends here and have some fun by going on a hike. It was a lovely day and great company and I was so happy to see her. It was such a great idea to meet this way, and I got to meet few really nice people, and she and her fiancé will spend the night at my place tomorrow. I am so happy about that.

I had a really good day but suddenly, as I got into my car and started driving back home it hit me – I am so sad about the break-up. For a few days I kept telling myself I am OK with it and it is probably for the better but today, after spending a whole day with 3 very happy couples I felt so sad about losing the man I love. I came home and I was still sad and I went for a walk with my dog and it didn’t make me feel any better, I was even more sad. I knew getting into it that the chances are very slim, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. I could see us living happily for the next 30 years, but he could not make it through one more week, and it really breaks my heart. I keep telling myself that he might still wake up and realize what he is throwing away, but he might not and I will have to wait to our next life to make it right, because I know for sure we will meet again in future lives – we have an unfinished business to take care of. I still wish it will somehow happened in this life time, I don’t want to waste the opportunity for 30 more years; I don’t want it to be just a broken dream. I cannot ask for anything, I am the one who brought it to this point by decisions that I made so many years ago, but it doesn’t make me feel any better or sad any less.
    

I am thankful for a month I was happier than I thought possible. I am thankful for everything he was able to give me, for his kindness, I know how difficult and confusing it was.  I am thankful for all the magic that it was even if only for such a short time. I am thankful I can smile and enjoy my life even now and I know I will be OK.  And of course, I am thankful for meeting my friend after half a year we didn’t see each other, and for a very lovely day, for hiking and especially for friendships.