Decisions, decisions...

Day 862 - A heated argument with my daughter brings me to ponder about the role of parents in the life of their adult children and even more the responsibilities and setting the new rules of life after divorce. Do we have to meet as a family even if we are not any more, because for them we for ever will be. Isn't it sending the wrong message? Didn't we take one of the most difficult decisions to split and break the family unit and now by doing things together bring up again the question why did we do that if we get along so well? isn't it more a confusing message? and of course to add to it all I left because I could stay no longer, because my life were living hell, but being a master of swing he is taking the role of the peace maker and the one that is trying to keep the family together, setting the trap for me to show the opposite. For so many years I had to dance to his music, to play according to the script he wrote and now he twists it all, now he is the kind and understanding, the victim of circumstances and life. Making me the bad guy, making our oldest daughter the same and as usual he comes clear and pure. I wish I knew how to play these games; life would be so much easier. And now I am put in this impossible position to either agree to do something I don't want to or hurt my youngest daughter so much. I know what I should be doing for myself, I really don't know how to do the right thing for my daughter. I read today that in an argument we have to try to put the relationship before the individual players, that when we each put ourselves first we have to win and force the other one down; the author claimed that if we put the relationship first we think of "we" and "us" instead of "I" and better answers and a win-win situation will arise. I was trying to think about it while the discussion was going on, how can I make it a "we"; but I really don't know how to approach it. It's a new concept and I have no answers yet and I am stuck, feeling really bad no matter what the outcome will be. We did not do it well and no matter what the bitter taste is there. She wants it so much so I might do that, but at least this time I'll do it not as a puppet that he pushes her buttons and she jumps, but as a free willed woman, who decided that for her daughter's sake is ready to do some things she doesn't particularly like or wants to do. It was a long and hard discussion, not all of it in the right tones, but I am happy I am learning how to handle it better, that I am trying to apply some wisdom and not only feelings. And I know that the biggest challenges are also my greatest learning opportunities. 
  
I am thankful for this idea I read about this morning of thinking of "us" and not about "I"; I am sure it will prove to be a very important tool for life and for better relationships. I am thankful for questions asked about my decisions, as hard as it is to be under scrutiny, I am not that arrogant to think I have all the right answers and this challenge makes me re-examine and ponder; all good and important things, all bring opportunities to grow and develop myself. I am thankful to my daughter for having the courage to try to prove me wrong, and not give up; for showing her love and her pain.