At the end of a long day at work

Day 923 - Not sure what to write. Long days at work. A day that starts at 10 am and ends at 8:30 pm and an hour in each direction. I am not so sure any more how smart was the move. I don't have time for anything else during the week. I know, I shouldn't complain but be happy I have a job even if it requires a little commute; and I sure have very quite evenings and the sky is so beautiful here with so much less light pollution, thus so many more stars. But still, these are long days. And on the weekend I so want to relax and have some quality time with my partner that my hiking group is neglected and everything else with it. I can complain, of course, or I can look at it and think how lucky I am that I have someone I love to spend time with; that we can talk for hours and never get board. That I love just being with him. No complains, for sure, I know that our time is limited and rapidly coming to it's end so I cherish every moment we have.

I am thankful for an evening we got to spend together; eating on the porch and chatting. I am thankful I have someone to go back to at the end of a long day at work. I am thankful we are slowly mending the seams that were torn in our relationship during the turbulent months here in our new home. I am thankful I can go to bed now.    

Getting over Procrastination

Day 922 - The problem with not doing laundry for two weeks is a lot of loads when the washer works again. And the problem with that is that I have a lot of laundry to iron and fold and put away, and not enough time in the day for all that. It is now 1 am and I am very tired but I decided it cannot stay on the guest's bed any longer. So for half an hour I did it and now it's all gone and I feel so much better. I realized a long time ago that I like to defer things but they don't go away, they are still waiting for me at the end of the deferral period and in the mean time I have a lot of guilty feeling looking at the undone work. Isn't it just easier to do it right away and feel good about myself?! So today I did it and the room looks much better and less of a mess and next time I'll try to do it right away and get it off my plate and off my conscious. Thanks god for second (and third and fourth) chances.

I am thankful for this spur of the moment decision to just do it instead of looking at the pile of cloths. I am thankful for being able to do these little things that bring so much satisfaction into daily life. I am thankful I don't have this kind of mess but very seldom; I really don't like that. I am thankful for one more thing off my to do list.

The trains are running again

Day 921 - A very plain day with nothing to report. But after 4 days with no trains they are now back to normal and I sure know to appreciate that. I rode the train today as if nothing happened, as if we didn't have to struggle so much when they were out of service. I must admit, knowing schedule within 5 minutes range instead of half an hour estimate with buses is pretty sweet; and best of all you know when you arrive at the destination. You see it all over the world, cities bloom along the train tracks; I knew that but never really stopped to think about it. I sure did now. I don't think I ever appreciated the trains as much as when they were not working and I had to rely on buses for commuting.
  
I am thankful the trains are chugging again along the tracks and we, the people of the suburbs can use them to commute into the big cities. I am thankful I live in a country with a very reliable train system; that a five minutes delay is something people are complaining about. I am thankful I am home now and ready to go to sleep. 

A Washing Machine

Day 920 -Almost  two weeks ago my washing machine stopped working. Luckily it was as I turned it on and it didn't fill the machine with water so I was able to take the close out. But I really need a washer. Since I had an extended warranty I called the company. The technician who came on Thursday told me that the electrical board burned out and he ordered a new one for me. Today he came here and fixed it.Again, a very simple story but, as usual, the miracles are there right under watchful eyes and evading us, all in the same time. I don't have to tell you how much laundry accumulated in such a long period. On Thursday I even washed some of my clothes. So today after the technician left I started attacking the pile of laundry. It was hot out there so by the time the second load was done the first one was already dry (yes, out there on long wash lines, just the way I like it). So today I am writing a praising entry to my now working washing machine. So simple and shy it hides in this tiny room but believe me, when it didn't work I sure missed it. I know I washed all my clothes by hand when I moved here, but I sure like it more when I can put it into the washer, push a button and forget about it until it's time to hang it outside.
  
I am thankful my washer is working again. I am thankful for all the fresh and clean clothes now waiting in a big pile for me to fold and hang. I am thankful for the warranty I had on this machine; just this repair covered the cost of it. Life is full of small wonders, we just have to open out hearts to see; even if it's only a washer.    

An Airconditioner

Day 919 - It is summer here; hot and humid and long. Yesterday was so hot and the house was so stuffy that the ventilator could not make it any more bearable. So for the first time since we moved here I turned on the air conditioner. It's funny because I never thought twice about using it but somehow, ever since we moved here I didn't. I found out I actually like the fact that it is hot sometimes and more pleasant at others. This is the natural flow of things and if I preach about living more connected life then part of it is also to experience the seasons. But yesterday was too much and today was the same. And since I don't want to live by big statements and everything is up for reconsideration and change, I just turned on the AC and enjoyed a lovely afternoon yesterday and a cool and pleasant time today. It is for days like that those systems where invented.

I am thankful I have an AC in my house and I can use it whenever needed. I am thankful for this invention; it made my life so much more pleasant and enjoyable. I am thankful for such a great weekend; I wish it was longer.  

A tiny step

Day 918 - I am a little upset and don't feel like writing. Still I made a pact two and a half years ago to  thank the greater forces around me every single day. So today I finally got out of my comfort zone and made the first step towards my creativity class, "the artist way" I put it on facebook and from now on will start publishing it everywhere. I want to run this class; I wanted it as soon as I finished doing the work myself, but didn't master the courage to advertise it and today I finally did and I am very happy about that. Now it's up to the planet to do it's part.

I am thankful I finally mastered the courage to put one foot outside my circle of comfort. I am thankful for news coming from my kids regarding my ex. I am thankful I can go to sleep now and hopefully wake up tomorrow.

Rising to the occasion

Day 917 - My ex is going through some serious health issues. He is back there and two of our kids are far away from him and even the one that is near by is not living with him and has a family of her own. It means that he is alone at home and having to take care of himself and face the challenges all alone. That's how it looked until this afternoon when our daughter who lives here decided to fly back and be with him for the next two weeks. From one moment to the next she arranged a flight ticket and by now she is already in the air on her very long fight. She talked to our son and he decided to do the same thing and fly back home. It will be the first time since we left home that all the four of them will be together in one place. I was thinking about it a lot lately that we have to bring them closer together and here we go, crisis in the family and they leave their daily life and go to be with him. It is heart warming for me to see that.; to know that even if we were not smart enough to keep our marriage intact we still manage to raise three wonderful children who are ready on a moment's notice to go and support the one who really needs it. He is out of surgery by now, the outcome is still unknown but at least they stopped the deterioration and fixed what ever was fixable. Only time will tell what's ahead of him. But for the next few days he'll be surrounded by his kids bathing in their love and concern; the best remedy of all for sure. I am so sad to see what's going on with him. He was my partner and friend for so many years and it saddens me so much; and most of all it is so difficult to stand on the sideline with nothing I can do to help. I was praying all day today for a good outcome and a fast recovery.  
 
I am thankful the worst is over and the recovery is starting already. I am thankful to see my kids answering the call and go back home to help their dad in his time of need; it makes me so happy to see them united and strong, collaborating in order to make things easier and less traumatic.

The Train

Day 916 - In our country, with the way too many cars for the size of it and the unavoidable traffic jams, the train is a very convenience mode of transportation. Living far from the city it's even more so. and again, it becomes part of the scenery, something I don't really think about. Until comes a day like today and the next three in which the train is shut off in our area for some needed repairs and upgrades. And suddenly you learn to appreciate it. It took my partner two hours to make the 55 minutes trip. Over hundred people waited in the bus station and it was so crowded and unpleasant. On a regular day you know within 5-10 minutes when you'll be at your destination, with the bus it's the great unknown. It depends on the traffic and how many people are along the route. I think that coming out of these four days of great difficulties and so much more time spend on commuting, we will say our thanks every day to the train for running on schedule and simplify our lives. 
   
I am thankful this disturbance is only for four days. I am thankful I could take my car to work today and solve it this way. I am thankful one day is behind us already.      

At times of crisis

Day 915 - A very close friend of mine is suddenly facing serious health issues. After a slow deterioration of his eye sight in one eye, that his doctor told him is due to a developing cataract he suddenly was not able to see at all in that eye; scary as all hell, for sure. The verdict of his doctor, which he received today is that he has a very serious retina detachment and an operation is a must in an attempt to save his eye sight. I talked to him today and I did a lot of reading about it today and it made me very sad. It is not clear how much they will be able to restore his eye sight, and for sure it's a very long recovery even in the best case. It is really scary how from one minute to the next life can take a complete detour. Things that looked so important only few days before are loosing it and others are climbing up the ladder. If I can see that, being on the sideline, I can only guess how ground shaking it is for him. His hobbies are all about action and speed and at best it will be months before he can do them again and he might have to give them up, he won't be able to fly for months and he is one of those who belong to the million mile club, so he spends half of his days at 30,000 feet. But maybe we can also look at the bright side - when you loose something you gain something else in return. We just have to believe that and find what is it. It's easier to look outwards instead of inside, but there is a lesson here for me as well. The fact that I feel all strong and able doesn't mean I cannot loose it all in one moment; it can be an accident, health crisis or anything else and my clock is ticking, my life is racing towards old age, poorer health and death. I better enjoy every day I have because who knows what tomorrow has for me. I prefer regretting doing too much than doing too little. I prefer standing at the end of my life, or on the verge of life altering event and thinking " I am sad it's over but OMG what a wonderful ride it was". So realizing I am not immortal, that I am a very frail human being I should start thinking about my last days and what I want to do with them. So many times I talked in this blog about being thankful for the things we take for granted; I never even once thought of thanking my ability to see or to hear or to walk or to think, or speak or being pain free. Sometimes you need a crisis in order to realize how important are those things we take for granted; how much we would love to give up so many of the things that occupied our days before just to have one more moment of the simple joys. How sad we almost always see it when it's too late... 
  
I am thankful I got to talk to my friend today and wish him good luck in this coming operation; I really wish him full and speedy recovery. I am thankful for my good health at the moment, for every day I get to walk this land and enjoy it with all my senses, with all my might. I am thankful for everything I have, for everything I don't have. I am thankful for my life just the way they are.    

Watermelon anyone?

Day 914 - I write all the time about the big dramas in my life and around me and I forgot that part of life is to acknowledge the small stuff; to thank the little and mundane; to open my eyes to what I am usually blind to. So tonight I am finally going to do just that. Our country is blessed with hot and long summer. With all the difficulties and inconvenience of being too hot and sweaty we also have some amazing things because of that. One of those wonders is watermelon. Yes this is not a typo; tonight I am here to finally praise this fruit of the gods, the watermelon. In my old country, they used to be a very boring fruit; not too much taste, not enough texture, boring. But here it's a whole different story. They are so tasty and crunchy and just plain wonderful. And you have to know how to eat it -chilled,  cut into cubes accompanied by feta cheese, very fresh cucumber and of course you have to eat it on the porch when the day is coming to its end and the night crawls in. We loved doing it almost every night sitting on the porch, looking at the garden we are still trying to convince to grow with a fork in hand to stab the juicy red squares and bring them to a waiting mouth... the small wonders of live... they are buried exactly here in the little and neglected moments that are weaved into the fabric of our life...

I am thankful for happiness. I am thankful for my ability to enjoy this small wonder. I am thankful every day I eat it, I never neglect to notice how special it is.    

To a lost love

Day 913 - I read some of the blogs and the letters we wrote each other at the beginning of our mutual journey. I am not sure how we got from there to where we are today. I saw some of our pictures and we look so happy and in love. Where did it all go, it is somewhere down underneath all the garbage we poured on each other in the past few months... It makes me want to cry. I loved him so much and he did as well, I know that. But our train got out of the station too fast, before we were ready and now it is way too late to turn around and go back to the innocent place we once shared. I saw our pictures and I choked. How I wish things were different. How I wish I still have this man I love so much and I am sure he feels the same. We came to the point of no return and my heart is bleeding. I didn't think I can love again and then I did, but I was not smart enough to keep it, to blow life into it. We didn't survive the test of time; like so many love stories. How sad, how very sad I am. So tonight I am writing it to my lost love. He cannot read it since he doesn't understand English, and I can't share it with him anyway. But never the less, tonight I am mourning the loss of what had the potential to be the love of my life, but stirring it with deaf ears and with too much ego to listen, I burnt it. I am so sad about that...
 
I am thankful I have enough tears to cry over this ending story. I am thankful I really learned again what love is. I am just so very sad I am so rusty at the art of handling something like that with enough care. To my loved one, to you I extend all my thanks tonight.

The day after the storm

Day 912 - the day after. What do you do when you still share the same house? when the last thing I want is a day of fights or ignoring each other? I chose to leave the house and spend the day elsewhere. It was also the last day of the art show and I was planning to come and see it one more time and since my daughter and my ex where in town, we set to meet there and spend the day together. For eight months I could not even talk to my ex due to jealously bursts. I knew it bothered my partner and so I avoided doing that. But I think it's not right. True, we are not together anymore but he was my friend for so many years, so I deeply care about him. But I could understand it's a very sensitive issue and I agreed to that. It was nice seeing him again after such a long time, and we had a good time, the three of us together. Later we went to mutual friends that I didn't see since we separated since they are his friends and I didn't want to get in the way. But it was nice to see them after such a long time and we spend a lovely afternoon. I was so happy to be away from all the pressure and the mess in my life at the moment. I came back to yet another fight but I was charged with good energy and more immune to that. I am sad to see it go down the drain, I had so many dreams and plans; but I was avoiding the real issues, overlooking areas of great difficulties; allowing the walls to close on me with no alarm bells to warn me that I am doing that. As much as I love him, it is time to let go and start the process of grieving and later healing. The gap is so huge, there's no way to bridge it and today proved it to me even more. This is the right company for me, these are the kind of people I enjoy having around; these are the people I avoided because he didn't fit in. Well, now I don't have to worry about it anymore.
 
I am thankful for a day that had all the ingredients to be awful and was wonderful. I am thankful for laughter and fun. I am thankful to friends who did not raise an eye brow to see me after such a long time and welcomed me to their midst. I am thankful most of all to my daughter and my ex for being so wonderful and helped me on such a difficult day.

It is final - we are through

Day 911 -  A huge and final fight. I don't want this anymore.  I refused to play the game today and it just exploded. I could have played it differently but I didn't want. As sad as it is, things are not going to change and I am not going to be in such a place. S here we go, after 8 months we are breaking up and going our separate ways. I refuse to think it over right now and I refuse to go back and try to fix it. The fight showed me that things much more serious are under the surface and differences that are too big to bridge. I was so upset and had nowhere to go; I burned a lot of bridges during this period and I have a lot of work now to try and fix them. But I am starting as of tomorrow. I am not going to down play my things so it will work with his. I don't want to write any more so I won't regret it later.
 
I am thankful I can go to sleep in a normal hour for a change. I am thankful or things that were said, it's important for me to hear it. I am thankful this ordeal is coming to an end; it took too much from me and frustrated me beyond words.  

Eureka!

Day 910 - Few days ago I was talking about my plan to make a lot of money. And just as they always say, if you set the wheels in motion things start to fall into place. As I go to sleep at night I am thinking about these 50 millions, how I have them in my bank account; How my life will look like. I do that even though I have no idea how I am going to get to that point. They always say - jump and the net will appear; believe and the means will be found. And so I did; for the past three or four days. This morning I woke up and I told my partner that I know what I am going to do. I have a great idea and i know how to make it a reality. SO at this point I am not sure it will be so much money but I am sure I found a great idea and I know what are the steps I have to take to make  it happen. What even more interesting is that the tenant in my store just told me last week that he is breaking the contract ahead of time. So I even have a place to run y business from in less then three months. That means I have to work fast, I have to come to that point as ready as possible so I can hit the ground running. I have ideas of what to do, how it will look like and even how to promote it, how to get workers and clients. I never had an idea I could run with before and I am so exited because of that. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe I see things in a naive way, but at this point it looks like a winning formula to me, and I am so happy I'm at this stage.
 
I am thankful for an amazing yet simple business idea I got. I am thankful I was able to focus on my goal and that I am so much in tune with my surrounding. I am thankful for hours of ideas racing in my mind; it's so invigorating and fun. I am thankful I can finally see a way to get out of my current slumber and back into life.

Going PPD free

Day 909 - Ever since my daughter almost died because of hair dye I was considering whether I should keep using such a product. Before I never even thought about that twice but I found the hard way that these are very strong and dangerous chemicals, especially PPD that can trigger devastating allergic reactions. But on the other hand, I was not allergic to it and I didn't want to go grey and on top of it, the process of changing is difficult. the hair looks very unkempt. So I kept thinking about it but did nothing. Every time I dyed my hair I go through the same ritual and finally, I decided to do something about it, especially since I am getting rushed on the back of my neck and I was getting more concerned about PPD allergy. So I did some serious research and found that there are few companies that are manufacturing hair dyes without PPD and one of them is available in a few hair salons in my country. And so today I finally did it. I got my hair dyed with a PPD free dye and I can't wait to see how I will react to it and of course how the dye will hold but I am so very happy I finally took the right step to protect myself and use safer dye. Who knows, maybe I'll be brave one of those days and go gray. But until then I go PPD free dyes.
 
I am thankful I finally did it and switched to PPD free dye;it is safer for me and for my daughter to be around me. I am thankful some companies manufacture such dyes even if they are so much more challenging to work with. I am thankful my daughter was with me today and took the opportunity to have her first hair cut since the shock and the loss of all her hair; a blessed day, for sure, a festive one.  

A day of fasting

Day 908 - It is a day of fasting in our religion. Not a very major one like the day of atonement, but still a big one. And I although not religious decided few years ago to fast on that day. Fasting is easy for me, I stayed home read books, rested and it was a wonderful day. And now, after eating and drinking enough at the end of the fast, I am ready to go to sleep. I like doing that every once in a while, it connects me to higher places, to forces greater than I can even imagine, it makes me feel good and fulfilled and I like that. A simple act of fasting can take one a very long way...
 
I am thankful for this special opportunity to do something outside of my regular routine. I am thankful for the opportunity to reconnect with my heritage. I am thankful for a very relaxed day at home.  

Looking around for ideas

Day 907 - I made a decision yesterday to start moving forwards. I made a decision to stop my slumber. I still don't have any plan but I feel that my eyes are more open, my brain is more open, looking around thinking. I remember more than 3 years ago when I decided I am leaving the comfort of my life abroad and starting on my own I had the same kind of feeling. I had no clue as to what but I was so excited and alive by the opportunities that suddenly open up. I never felt more alive than on those months when I was planning ahead and the first few months after I moved. And then I slowly allowed myself to fall into my comfort zone and fall asleep on my watch. Yesterday I made the conscious decision to wake up again. I read, I talk to people, I think and ponder and I will find what I am looking for. A way to start something new and exciting and not just be lazy and comfortable. I don't like comfortable anyway; really not sure why I settled for that. So today I start to experience an awaking from a long slumber and I am so happy about that. I want to keep reinventing myself until my last day on this earth, never to get lazy and comfortable, or in other words boring, again. I don't want boring life; I prefer ups and downs, I prefer storms than boring life. I had enough of that for too many years and I fell into the same pattern. So here to life on the edge; I hope in the next few months I'll find a way to get there.    

I am thankful for my wake up call. I am thankful I have the will to make it happened; I am sure that will and courage are all I need to get going again. I am so thankful I can breath easier because I made a decision to move forwards with my plans.

One little step forwards...

Day 906 - I am reading a book about improving our memory and techniques to do that and it also touches the subject of motivation, setting impossible goals and so forth. It made me thinking the "what if" game. What would I do if I'll have 50 million dollars, an impossible goal by my standards. What would I do? I like this game. For the next two hours I was going through all the places I want to visit, all the things I want to do... One thing that was missing from my list is my work place. I am sure at some point I will want to work and do something meaningful but this is the key word, I don't want to feel I am spending my life in a meaningless job, or at least not an intellectually challenging work just to pay the bills. So I don't really think I am going to have so much money in three years that I won't have to work, but if I am not satisfied with the job I have I can make changes there. I want to do something that will challenged and fulfilled; something that when I come home after so many hours out I 'll be able to think it was worth it. I want to do something that will make this place a little better, or happier because I was here. And right now I don't feel I'm doing that. So one more time I am going through this discussion, one more time I know beyond doubt what I have to do and only my fear is keeping me down. I think it is good I am becoming more and more aware of the situation until I will get to the point of no return and then I'll take action. The first step is acknowledging the fact that I am not happy, that I know I can and should do better and now it is time to start exploring the alternatives. I have to put a stake in the ground by when I have to make this decision or it will drag forever. I will thing about it for a few days and then I'll declare that. In the mean time I am stating that the countdown has started today, I just don't know what are the numbers I'm using. and by the way, if I will earn 50 million bucks, I'll know what to do with it, I already have it planned. So the generosity of the planet is welcomed in my house. 
  
I am thankful for the enticement to start dreaming the "what if" game. I am thankful to my partner for being so patient with this little game of mine. I am thankful for the first hesitating steps towards my freedom. I am thankful I have a very healthy imagination and the ability to dream endlessly; this is how great things start.   

An evening by the sea

Day 905 - A quiet weekend; so needed and welcomed. Just spending time together, talking, making plans. Taking care of some house chores but mostly some quality time together. At the evening we drove to the near by neighborhood and went to a nice little cafe by the sea. It was so lovely the cool evening after a hot day, with great music from a near by joint, romantic atmosphere of a cafe by the water and the company. Without realizing we spent few hours there. Life can be so easy and simple if we don't complicate them; I really don't need much in order to be happy. Some how I forgot all that in the past three months and I am so happy it's coming back. I didn't look for a partner to be miserable and under the circumstances it was really something I had to give up. But if we are able to create an island of calm and love then it's something worth keeping. I don't know why but as much as I was at the end of my wits, and at times I just wanted to break everything to stop the turmoil; the thought of letting him go and not sharing my life with him is too much for me. And the past week proves this. He has to leave this house since the three of us cannot live under one roof, but he sure does not have to leave my life and our relationship.

I am thankful for a peaceful day. I am thankful for every moment we get to spend together and enjoy each other's company. I am thankful for the willingness of both of us to blaze our way back despite all that was said and done. I am thankful for a lovely evening and a great weekend.  

Nothing is new under the sun

Day 904 - The past two months were very difficult and trying for all of us. A roller coaster of emotions that brought us to the brink of breaking up. We actually already did before we came back to our senses. Before I realized how important he is to me and the fact we cannot make it under one roof doesn't mean we have to separate. And so we decided to try if we can make it work when we each live in his/her own home. Not an ideal solution because it means we'll see each other much less than we do today, but it is much better than splitting. Yesterday I talked at length to a good friend of mine and the subject came up. I told him how difficult it was, how we almost broke up and it was very interesting to hear his point of view; his understanding and most of all a story with one of his kids that came back home for two years and the ordeal they went through; and this is with their own child. He told me that 8 years later they still consider these years the most difficult and challenging in their relationship with that child. So it is only natural that the trio was not possible and only my naivete painted it in rosy colors. I wish I had put more thought into it all before jumping in like that with no preparation at all and we are paying the price of that mistake now. Still I am so thankful that logic prevailed, only inches before the edge of the cliff. It sure was an important talk and I am very happy I have friends like that with whom I can share something so personal, knowing I'll get sympathy and a good advice.

I am thankful for friendship as such that withstood the test of time. I am thankful logic and love prevailed over anger and frustration. I am thankful for the three weeks we now have here to try to rebuild the friendship and trust before my partner moves out. I am so thankful for a great evening, just the two of us.    

Painting outdoors

Day 903 - Today was the last painting class for the year. We are taking a break for the next 3 months of summer and holidays and reconvene only at the beginning of October. And for this one we did a painting on location - painting outdoors. We met in a beautiful garden full of statues of children at play, over looking the bay. A very lovely spot and a most wonderful experience. We were there for over three hours and it was so special and made me want to do more of that. It is so relaxing to pass an afternoon outdoors, looking at the details of trees and grass and sea and sky; so connected and so into the painting almost blocking the world around me. sometimes in class when we are so many in a small and closed space, it's too easy to pay attention outwards and loose touch with my inner voice. Here it was open and we were scatted and I had the time and the space I needed. It is not done yet, but I did enough that I can finish it at home. And I had so much fun!!

I am thankful for such an intense and special experience. I am thankful for the opportunity to try something new and exciting. I am thankful for the gentle guidance of my teacher and for the space he gives me to find my own voice. I am thankful for a wonderful day.

A special visit

Day 902 - My daughter came to visit today and it was so nice to see her after few days she was away. We spent only 3 hours together since she had to catch the last train. But it was great, regardless. I heard from my cousin who lives in the area about a nice cafe and I decided we'll go and have dinner there. It really was a nice place and I loved the atmosphere there. But the funny thing was that suddenly, my cousin stepped in. Apparently he runs a chess club in this cafe once a week and it was tonight. So we also got to talk to him and see him in action and of course we got to know this very cute little place. Talking to my daughter she still harbors a lot of pain; I hope it will go away and that she'll feel comfortable once again in my house. I am sad we got to this point but I truly believe that every challenge is an opportunity, so I'm sure something good will come out of all this mess. In the mean time she is in the big city, enjoying herself and the pressure relief and I am here, trying to rebuild my relationship with my partner and to base them on more solid ground. I hope second time around and with the separation things will work better and the peace will return to our home and our lives.

I am thankful for my daughter's visit; it means the world to me. I am thankful for another day with no fight, for the calm that returned into my life; even if it's a little artificial at the moment. I am thankful for second chanced; for being able to dream a little longer and hopefully this time the bubble will not burst but become real/

Treading the water carefully

Day 901 - we are at home now only the two of us. Here for three weeks before he moves into his new place; trying to put back together that which we so thoroughly tried to destroy. Can we do that? Only time will tell. But one thing is clear, if we won't do it before he moves then there is no chance to repair it. So, with so much at stake we are trying to make the right moves, learn from what happened and build on it. It's very interesting, we fought so bitterly that I only wanted out, but somehow he has such a special place in my heart that I can't let go without trying one more time to make it right. To find back the love we once knew.
 
I am thankful for second (and third and fourth) chances. I am thankful that after all that was said and done we still feel so much toward each other that we want to give it one more chance. I am thankful for easier days, for the calm after the storm.

The other side of the story?

Day 900 - I wrote all that asking how one can be so callous and all and it brought back memories of days long gone. And it made me realize that you need two to tango. I was a willing partner and since he entered into my place it was my job to make him feel more welcome. I cannot put all the blame on his shoulders there are two sides to every story and up until now I only saw mine. Interesting thought, indeed. I always say that I am an over-thinker; I think sometimes it's a good thing.

I am thankful for another milestone I have reached 900 days of blogging. I am thankful for the insight I finally got, even if a little late in the game. I am thankful I can go to sleep now. Good night

Another difficult evening

Day 899 - One last fight I hope and all this wonderful love that flew out the window in the past few months will be put to rest. He will be moving out and I hopefully will get my peace again. It's difficult, it's trying and I am so very tired of it all. The only good thing about it is that I am painting now almost every day. I have to find a place in me that is quiet, I have to find my calm. I sure didn't see it coming as we moved out of the city and into this house. I thought we are building our nest for the rest of our lives. Instead in short two months we became enemies of each other; fighting non stop and saying things there is no coming back from. How sad to see a love falling apart. It is even more sad when we share a house and we have to break it apart. I sure learned my lesson. I don't think anyone will live with me again for a very long time. We will have to be together for a very very long time before I will even consider that. I breaks my heart to be one more time in this place, but I am so full of anger right now that it blinds the pain. Maybe later the pain will come as well but at the moment I just want to see him out of my life and the sooner the better. How can someone be so callous to the needs of the other person; to their feelings. How can he care so little about all I hold so dear. How was I blind for so long and didn't realize this is something that will not change, if anything it will intensify. Another very sad day, one of many. I already forgot when this love was something I enjoyed, when was the last time it brought happiness into my life; happiness with no "but" or "only" or "if". Happiness with no string attached. Maybe I should be alone, go on dates but have no steady partner. I don't seem to be able to find one that will do that. 
  
I am thankful another day is coming to an end. I am thankful it one day closer to the end of this ordeal. I am thankful most of all to get back my sanity and my calm. I am thankful because it is a very needed lesson and I will take it with me for a very long time.

Pressure release

Day 898 - After very trying two months my daughter moved out today. As bad as it sounds it is a pressure release. At least she is out of this mad house. He found a place but can move there only in three weeks so I'm glad she is not here and doesn't have to be around him any more. It was a very difficult weekend and two hours after I brought her to the train station I cannot get to my normal self. I know it is only for a month, I know he is moving out and she'll be back home but I feel horrible and I know I should have handled it differently. It was a big mistake to let it drag for so long when I saw things are getting out of control; I should have asked him earlier to move out. My daughter should never feel uncomfortable in my house and if my partner cannot accept her then he cannot be here, if in my life at all. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I didn't see it coming. He was nice and all as long as she just came for visits; and even when the first squeaks started it was over minor stuff so I was sure it will be OK. Maybe it is my naive look at life, my wish that all will work just the way it should that made me blind for so long. But here I am right now sitting home and trying to tie up again the loose ends of my life. I have a partner I love very much but he created a situation I cannot  and will not accept. So he is moving out and probably out of my life as well. I cannot see a scenario in which this separation he is trying to create is going to work. Right now at least it looks like he does not want anything to do with the most important part of my life - my family; and this is something that I don't think I can bridge. Sad, very sad indeed but it looks like we are heading south after all, slowly but surely. A sad day all around, what else can I say...

So what can I be thankful for? I am thankful that this mess is almost over. I am thankful that my daughter is out of this mad house and by the time she'll be back it will be peaceful again. I am thankful we talked it over and with all the friction this ordeal put between us, I believe we'll get out of it stronger and better. And even though it is painful to see how yet another relationship is going down the drain, I am thankful it happened now and not after few years together.  

Movie night

Day 897 - Friday, my day off. A day to run house chores like cleaning and grocery shopping and laundry loads. In short, a long and tiresome day. Only towards the evening I finally had a little time to have fun. I painted for an hour and at night I watched a movie with my daughter. It was a wonderful ending to a long and rather tolling day. There are days like that heavy and "the little mare maid " is a good remedy for that. I haven't seen it in years and it was much fun. Now I can go to bed for a long night sleep. I really need it.

I am thankful for Fridays so I have time to do all the chores I neglect during the week because of time constrains. I am thankful for a fun movie time with my daughter. I am thankful for tomorrow is going to be even more of a slow day; I need this rest and I'm looking foreword to that.

Art show

Day 896 - Today was the opening night for our students' art show. An exhibition of selected works from the students in the different classes our teacher leads. It was very exciting. there were many people, mostly family and friends of us students; still it feels wonderful to show my work for the first time in public, to hear people comment about them. Liking or not, it's not important. the fact it creates an emotion is what I care about. I paint abstract so I go only for feelings; strong ones if possible. I will write more tomorrow; dead tired, as usual and I'm going to sleep.
 
I am thankful for this important step at my live as an artist. I am thankful for this unique opportunity. I am thankful to my daughter for coming all the way from Tel Aviv to see the opening night. I am thankful I can go to sleep now. I'm dead tired, as usual.

I want to start doing the work

Day 895 - On the train in my way back from work I read some more in Katy Byron's book. She talks about making statements and then go over it, sentence by sentence ask the 4 questions and reverse it. I was reading the book and kept telling myself that I should do it about the subject most pressing right now and see what new understanding I can come up with. It might even help me solve the issue. But day after day I say but don't do it. Do I really want it to be solved? At least out loud I keep telling myself I do.
 
I am thankful for illumination to the fogged mind; I really need it at this junction in my life. I am thankful for obstacles in my life; I know these are my real opportunities to grow. I am thankful for my envelope has been pushed real hard. I am thankful for my bed waiting for me as soon as I am done; I don't feel so well today and I can't wait to go to bed!!

Lunch with the bunch

Day 894 - I started working in my current job. a month and a half after moving back here, to my homeland. We were only 3 girls at the department then plus our boss and her assistant; total f 5 women. Today we went out to lunch, all our group and we were 12. Amazing t think how much we developed since then. I still remember only a year ago we looked in amazement at another group as ours in a different institute that had 40 people in the line of work as ours. And now, a little over a year later we are 12. and still growing, having more work than we can handle and adding more value with every passing day. So we went out to lunch using the excuse of someone's birthday to do that. We were out for almost three hours and it was so much fun. the food was bad but the company great and it is so nice to be outside of the office and just enjoy each other. It was nice having this experience after such a long time we work together.
 
I am thankful for today's outing. I am thankful for friendship and team spirit. I am thankful I can go to sleep now. I AM SO TIRED!!!!!

Chinese medicine and Twina

Day 893 - I wanted to check the possibility of going back to school to study Chinese medicine including herbs, acupuncture and Qigong. I am fascinated by this doctrine for years but for some unknown reason it never crossed my mind that I can go ahead and study it and become a healer. In our country it is widely accepted as a legitimate alternative medicine and is cover by the various HMOs. And so today I made an appointment after work to go and talk with an adviser about this possibility.  SO it is a four years program an extensive and expensive endeavour. So I have to think about it some more. But during the time I was there the head of their Twina training popped and asked for a volunteer to get  a twina treatment so the students can practice. The adviser asked me if I care to do that and I jumped on the opportunity. I had one twina session about two years ago and loved it so why not. Well, this time it was supervised by the head of the school, so a much higher professionalism and it was absolutely amazing. The girl worked on my left shoulder and she did such a great job. So I am very happy with the outcome. More over, they asked me if I want to come back next week. Sure I do. So here we go, not sure if I'll join their school but I got a great treatment and a good testimony to what this profession offers as a healing protocol.

I am thankful for the setting of our exhibition that started today. I am thankful for the opportunity to check about going back to school. I am thankful for a twina session; unexpected and so powerful and healing. I am thankful for a much better feeling in my left shoulder. I am thankful for an amazing day.