Cease fire

Day 892 - so the compromise is that he will not live with us any more and we will try to repair our relationship and see how it works when we are not living under the same roof. It will be challenging for sure, but I believe it is the best solution under the circumstances. I am taking responsibility for my share, for taking things for granted, for not setting expectations and I am sure that it could have worked better had I done that. I do not take responsibility for his behavior, for his lack of efforts, for stubbornness of a two years old and not an adult. Regardless the end results were the same - everyone got hurt and everyone feels wronged. It is the easiest thing to look back and say "I wish things were different" but they are not and this is the reality we are facing. In a way I think it is a good thing. It gives me some needed space, it forces both of us to make an extra effort and not take anything for granted; it makes our time together more meaningful and our time apart more meaningful and it enables me to spend time with my daughter, just the two of us; to remove the walls that grew between us in the past few months. So he is looking for a place to rent, and will move in the next two or three weeks the most. And this house will be way too big just for us girls, so for sure I will not keep it for the second year. I was very sad before since I really love him and it looked like we came to a point of no return. But when you care enough about someone you'll find a way to try to make it work; or at least to give it more of a try.
 
I am thankful we managed to come back from the brink of a break-up and decided to try to salvage our relationship. I am thankful for the second chance we got. I am thankful he will be out of here soon and the the peace that will be restored in our house. I am thankful for a day that came to its end, for few new shirts I bought; for the sleep awaiting for me as soon as I am done here.

Beach day

Day 891 - I told my daughter this afternoon I know what I'll write about tonight and here I am, a little too late, but writing about our outing today to the beach. For the past two weeks she was trying to convince me to go with her to the beach but I was too busy or not in the mood or... but today I told her I'll join her, just not in mid day since its my first time this year and I don't want to get sunburned. So at 3 pm we arrived at the beach - 10 minutes from home so just as accessible as before, and it was wonderful. I put enough sun screen and went safely through the experience. I belong to the sun worshipers, I love lying on a towel on the beach, and not the heat and not the sweat can quench my joy. I love the sea and it was amazing. I can't believe that on June 29 I did my first appearance on the beach. But I can assure you one thing - it will not be my last. I'll try to get back into the wonderful habit of watching the sun goes down at least once a week.
 
I am thankful to my daughter for coming up with the idea and asking it enough times until I finally said yes. I am thankful she found a beach so close to where we live. I am thankful to a wonderful afternoon just the two of us (and all the beach goers). I am thankful for a wonderful day.

Sad, sad, sad...

Day 890 - Nothing to report. My days are long and heavy. Usually when you break up with a partner they are just out of your life in a second which makes it easier. You can start the grieving process, you can start the healing. But when you live with someone it's more difficult of course. The partner that leaves the house has to find a new place. It happened when I left home three years ago  and it made for a very difficult period when we tip-toed around each other, not talking about the big elephant in the middle; and it was not easy for both of us; and it happens again now. I keep reminding myself to stay compassionate and caring even as things get more problematic; as my patience is tested. It is very difficult for my daughter but she is leaving next week for a month and a half and by the time she's back he'll be gone. I hope he'll move out as soon as possible, as much as it hurts to see a relationship break down, when it does you just want it to be over and not drag on and on. I need my space and I need alone time. I need to find myself once again after the very intense past few weeks. I know I will be very sad, it'll breaks my heart to see him leave but it's inevitable by now. I am sad, I walk around with very heavy feelings; I wish things were different, I wish we didn't get to this point. Only few weeks ago we were still making very long term plans...
 
I am thankful for my day is over. I am thankful I can go to sleep. I am thankful for beautiful days, for the sun that shines on me even now, through all this; showing me the light, the hope. I am thankful for tomorrow, I sure don't take it for granted.

Last painting class for the year

Day 889 - It is the end of the year class-wise. today we had our last painting class of the year and now we have three months off - an unwanted summer vacation. Last year few of  the students met every week in my apartment with our painting teacher and we continued our work. Actually some of my best paintings and my break into abstract painting took place during that period. But I live now half an hour away from the city and no one wants to drive that far. I also have to be very honest and admit that I should probably be looking for a new teacher and a new class. Not because he is not good but because he doesn't appreciates abstract very much and so his input is not enough to push me as I need to be pushed in order to keep being creative and he can't show me how to go about developing my style and techniques. It's a little sad but I know it is the right thing to do so maybe during the summer I'll visit few classes in the area and see if I can find something closer and more challenging. But this being said, I had a great time today. I put on my earphones to block the disturbance from my class mates so I can listen inwards and just kept working on a painting I started few days ago when I broke up with my partner. I was sad and I was angry and I put it all on the canvas but left it in mid-air since I had to go out to pick up my daughter from the train and didn't go back to it upon my return. So today I finished and had some interesting ideas how to do it and it came out even better that I expected. I  know I'm so lucky to have something that enables me to express my most hidden feelings and thought. That I have this connection of hand and soul. I am so very lucky to have this therapeutic tool in my hands to console  me at times of need.

I am thankful for a second year of paintings and all the much joy it brings into my life. I am thankful I chose to go to my class and not my hiking group's party on the beach. I am thankful for an amazing painting I created today, different than anything I did before and yet so me. It's really late again so, I am thankful for a good night sleep.

Almost forgot

Day 888 - I was suppose to send something over seas with a very strict dead line that I will get a very hefty fine if I miss. The form was sent to me yesterday by mail and all I had to do was to print it, sign and send by FedEx so it will make it on time. All I had to do today was to remember that, but I didn't. During my train ride back home it suddenly hit me - it was 7 pm and tomorrow is too late. I had two options - I could call a friend back in the US where it was still early morning of the same day and ask her to sign for me and send it; or I could try to find a FedEx office that is still open. Luckily the one in our national airport was still open and accepting packages for two more hours. And so I took my car, drove an hour and a half in each direction and made it on time. I don't want to ask someone to forge my signature; it's not right and so it was only a last resort, if I won't find a solution back here; but I did and I am very happy about that. When I was young my mom used to say: "what your brain doesn't do your feet will" - or to translate it - if I didn't think on time I had to invest so much more efforts to make up for it. And today is a classic example of that. But never the less, I am so very happy to be on the right side of this equation, to come up with the right solution and see it work.

I am thankful for having a car in a day like that - I could not solve it without the car. I am thankful I remembered still on the nick of time in order to fix the mess I was about to create. I am thankful for a day that was not easy, but still a day. I would not want to miss any, I don't have so many that I'll be willing to miss one just for being sad...  

So very sad...

Day 887 - Sad, sad, sad. I am so very sad. It breaks my heart to think its over and that I inflicted this pain on both of us. I know it was the right thing to do, that as much as we tried it only got worse in the past few weeks. I know all that, but it doesn't make it any easier. He was suppose to be the one I'll get old with and now Ill get to see him walks out of my life and into the great void and I'll never see him again. Too painful to even think about it this way right now. How did we get to this point. Why wasn't I smarter this time around to make it work? to not let my temper and his stubbornness to get in the way. I just want to go to sleep right now and get this day to end. I know the tomorrows will bring some solace but right now it's just hard.
 
I am thankful the day has passed. I am thankful for my work that gives me few hours of blessed distraction. I am thankful I have a heart that can be broken, that I have found a man I really loved, even if I didn't know how to build a solid relationship out of it. I am thankful for this day on earth, pain and all.

The end

Day 886 - I was thinking about this sad birthday, how we stood in the parking lot, hugged each other and cried. I was thinking about it all day long and could not believe I let it get to this point. I left my home and broke a family in order not to be in this place again. So me and my daughter will never feel helpless and at a loss again; and here I was on her 21 birthday hugging her in a parking lot and crying because the situation at home is unbearable and I am at a loss for what to do, how to change things, how I can make it work. To add to this I saw a posting I put few days ago on my Facebook timeline: "someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them". I posted it with the comment "how true" and yet I did loose my integrity mishandling the crisis with my daughter, allowing him to stay in our house when he behaved so badly towards her and still keep him as my partner. and today it suddenly hit me - he who behaves like that is not worthy of my love; will not stay in my life as my partner. No matter how painful it is, no matter how I wish it was different. I would never behave towards his children in such a way and I expect the same respect towards mine. Slowly I spun inwards, not fully realizing how the walls are closing on me, I shut my eyes not to see and my ears not to hear and sadly even my heart if I allowed it for so long. I was hoping things will change at the expense of my daughter. Today, at work I finally woke up from this slumber and faced a very ugly reality. I made up my mind even before coming home that I am putting an end to it; that I am asking him to leave. A so I did. A nasty comment he made was the last strew on this growing pile and I told him that it is over; I want him to find a place and move out of this house and out of my life. I had enough. I am angry right now, angry at him but mostly at myself for dragging this for too long instead of putting my foot down when it all started but I am sure I am doing the right thing. As much as I love him, he is not worthy of this. I am sad for I thought I have found the love that will take me to the end of my life, but alas it melted in the heat of daily life; under pressure and under the first real trials. 
  
I am thankful for wisdom finally shown through the fog I surrounded myself with. I am thankful I have finally seen the light. I am thankful for all the good times we had, for the dreams we shared. I am thankful that after a while I will be able to dream again. I am thankful most of all to my daughter, for her amazing phone call today, assuring me that she will make extra efforts to befriend him, bad behavior and all; I am so lucky to have a daughter like her.       

A birthday to remember

Day 885 - like every year I went out with my daughter to celebrate her birthday. But a very different evening it was this year. The events of the past few weeks here at home are taking their toll. She is hurt and blames me of course since I am her mom and suppose to protect her and I don't do that. And worst of all - the person who causes all this is my partner. And I am in the middle, not sure how to handle the crisis and in so much pain. I keep hoping that he will change his behavior but instead he digs in. And the question is if I should break up with him or can I find an easier solution. I am so upset with him for bringing it to this point. But I guess there is a lesson here I have to learn. I am not smart enough I guess because I am stuck, and in the process cause so much pain. I know what is the lesson I am suppose to learn - how to stand up for myself and my beliefs; how to not let someone else to change the way I behave; how to take responsibility and not shift it to someone else. And I am taking it. It is my fault and no one else for being stuck in the middle; for not taking a stand, for fighting like a little kid instead of standing up like an adult. A sad birthday with so many tears. I can't believe this is how we celebrated this important day.

I am thankful for an evening I got to spend with my daughter, even if not easy at times. I am thankful even though I know our time together is slowly coming to an end, even if we'll survive the current crisis; a painful lesson, but a lesson never the less. I am thankful for this very special day - my daughter's 21 birthday.

Day 886 - after six months of honeymoon we started fighting. The past few weeks were difficult and tolling for both of us. And I must admit I don't like fighting nor am I good at it. The see-saw of feelings is not good nor healthy. And the worst part is that I see things in me I really don't like. I fight dirty and I am going for a win and this is wrong. The other side feels  defeated. So we made up and all but things were said that should not have

Ants

Day 883 - today I engaged in a fierce battle against the ants in our garden. Sometimes it feels like we are living on top of a big ant hill, they all running around all day long and get into everything. And I decided to out an end to it. The plants are actually suffering from that.

Back home

Day 882 - So good to be back home. As nice as it is to get out of the daily routine, I love coming back home, especially since I didn't see my daughter in the past three days. It was a long day and we were all tired, counting the minutes to the end of the day. But I heard few interesting talks, spent some time with my friends and got back home in time to make it to the grocery store before closing time and get some products for dinner tonight. It's late and I had a very long day, a very long week.
 
I am thankful to be back home and soon in my own bed. I am so thankful to be with my daughter again. I am thankful for a great week.

New ideas

Day 881 - day two here. A long day and at the end a big party. It's fun to do something different, to get out of the routine and our isolation and learn a little more about the world around us. They call these conventions "meeting of the minds" and that what they really are. I learned new things, heard new ideas and hopefully will get out of my comfort zone and make some positive changes in my life and the lives of people around me.
 
I am thankful for all I heard in the past few days. I am thankful for the opportunity to rub shoulders with all these great minds; hopefully there will be consequences to that. I am thankful to my partner for making his way here after work to spend the night here with me.

The Summit

Day 880 - at the Presidential Conference in Jerusalem. Three days out of my regular routine, representing our institution at this important summit. It was a very long but interesting day. And it was heart warming to see all the visitors and well wishers for president Peres 90's birthday. I feel so lucky I work in such a job and get to do these kind of fun events. I am not one of those in awe of the dignitaries, but it is fun to be away of the routine and play the game for a few days. My regular work can and will wait until next week; let the show begin.

I am thankful I ER these kind of fun little perks as part of my job. I am thankful I get to spend great many hours with my girlfriends from work. I am thankful to my partner for making his way here tonight for an out of routine experience for us as we'll.

"get out of suffering" card

Day 879 - It's amazing how much calm this "work" by Byron Katie brings into my life. I look into different issues I am dealing with and suddenly I can put then into a different frame, look at them differently and all the suffering that comes with it dissolves. It is not as easy to show it to other people, especially close and dear one like my beloved daughter. She is very upset with me and doesn't understand my behavior and I am not sure she will be patient enough with me right now. But I know it is the right way and I know it is the only way. To mind only what one can change and learn to accept and live with the rest in peace.She will and it will bring her a lot of good but for the moment she is hurt and I just have to try to show her in so many ways what I mean.
 
I am thankful I found this light at the end of the tunnel that is a "get out of suffering" card. I am thankful  I am still here and can try to show it to her; I think it is a gift for life.

Divine intervention?

Day 878 -Being so upset yesterday I picked up a book from my library and started reading. I kept reading on the train. I find it amazing how the right stuff presents itself when needed the most. It is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. Just what I needed. I kept saying yesterday that it didn't have to come to this point; I think I even wrote that here. But what she says is very simple - this narrative is what makes me suffer. Because if is just not true. If it happened then it had to and my reaction to the situation is what I have to investigate and ask the right questions and take it from there. But it was amazing, just this simple realization brings so much solace and calm. It did have to happen because it did. I keep saying that nothing is random, there is a guided hand behind it all. We can call it divine intervention or any other name; it really doesn't matter how we call it as long as we internalize the meaning of this. And this morning in my hour of need I was taken care of by that hand just a momentary lean-to, a helping hand to cross the abyss. I know I will be OK; I hope we all will. I hope we can find a way to dissolve the situation and to grow from it. I sure will; no matter what the outcome is. I hope there will be several issues in my life I will be able to smooth and move forward thanks to this amazing book.

I am thankful for this book that presented itself in the most crucial time. I am thankful for the calm it brought with it. I am thankful to my loved ones how challenge me and force me to get out of my comfortable shelter and face reality. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow.