Day 885 - like every year I went out with my daughter to celebrate her birthday. But a very different evening it was this year. The events of the past few weeks here at home are taking their toll. She is hurt and blames me of course since I am her mom and suppose to protect her and I don't do that. And worst of all - the person who causes all this is my partner. And I am in the middle, not sure how to handle the crisis and in so much pain. I keep hoping that he will change his behavior but instead he digs in. And the question is if I should break up with him or can I find an easier solution. I am so upset with him for bringing it to this point. But I guess there is a lesson here I have to learn. I am not smart enough I guess because I am stuck, and in the process cause so much pain. I know what is the lesson I am suppose to learn - how to stand up for myself and my beliefs; how to not let someone else to change the way I behave; how to take responsibility and not shift it to someone else. And I am taking it. It is my fault and no one else for being stuck in the middle; for not taking a stand, for fighting like a little kid instead of standing up like an adult. A sad birthday with so many tears. I can't believe this is how we celebrated this important day.
I am thankful for an evening I got to spend with my daughter, even if not easy at times. I am thankful even though I know our time together is slowly coming to an end, even if we'll survive the current crisis; a painful lesson, but a lesson never the less. I am thankful for this very special day - my daughter's 21 birthday.
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