The end

Day 886 - I was thinking about this sad birthday, how we stood in the parking lot, hugged each other and cried. I was thinking about it all day long and could not believe I let it get to this point. I left my home and broke a family in order not to be in this place again. So me and my daughter will never feel helpless and at a loss again; and here I was on her 21 birthday hugging her in a parking lot and crying because the situation at home is unbearable and I am at a loss for what to do, how to change things, how I can make it work. To add to this I saw a posting I put few days ago on my Facebook timeline: "someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them". I posted it with the comment "how true" and yet I did loose my integrity mishandling the crisis with my daughter, allowing him to stay in our house when he behaved so badly towards her and still keep him as my partner. and today it suddenly hit me - he who behaves like that is not worthy of my love; will not stay in my life as my partner. No matter how painful it is, no matter how I wish it was different. I would never behave towards his children in such a way and I expect the same respect towards mine. Slowly I spun inwards, not fully realizing how the walls are closing on me, I shut my eyes not to see and my ears not to hear and sadly even my heart if I allowed it for so long. I was hoping things will change at the expense of my daughter. Today, at work I finally woke up from this slumber and faced a very ugly reality. I made up my mind even before coming home that I am putting an end to it; that I am asking him to leave. A so I did. A nasty comment he made was the last strew on this growing pile and I told him that it is over; I want him to find a place and move out of this house and out of my life. I had enough. I am angry right now, angry at him but mostly at myself for dragging this for too long instead of putting my foot down when it all started but I am sure I am doing the right thing. As much as I love him, he is not worthy of this. I am sad for I thought I have found the love that will take me to the end of my life, but alas it melted in the heat of daily life; under pressure and under the first real trials. 
  
I am thankful for wisdom finally shown through the fog I surrounded myself with. I am thankful I have finally seen the light. I am thankful for all the good times we had, for the dreams we shared. I am thankful that after a while I will be able to dream again. I am thankful most of all to my daughter, for her amazing phone call today, assuring me that she will make extra efforts to befriend him, bad behavior and all; I am so lucky to have a daughter like her.