A lost EpiPen

Day 255 – it’s the weekend of the New Year and we celebrated it by taking the first hiking trip of the year. It was a large group this time, about 20 of us. We were actually two groups that decided to hike together. The only problem, as we found out after a very short time, is the hiking abilities of the groups were very different. We are good hikers, taking-on challenging terrain and we very long hikes. The other group, as we found out, was not in par with us. In the middle of the hike they had enough and decided to send the drivers for the cars and bailed out. But our group had a very good time as we continued our hike. We had few new people that I really like and the atmosphere was great. It was such a great way to start the New Year - by celebrating our beautiful country and loving every inch of it with our feet.

The only thing that dampened the experience was a phone call from my daughter in the middle of the day that she lost her EpiPen. As I am sure you know by now, she had a very severe allergic reaction few months back, where she almost died and since then she is developing new allergic to many things. The problem is that if your body ever did an anaphylactic shock you have a 50% chance of another as a reaction to an allergen, it learned that dangerous path. And if it takes that path, the only way to make sure you will make it alive to the nearest hospital is a shot of adrenaline, hence the EpiPen, which is a shot of adrenaline in a device that enables a non-professional give a good injection.  So losing an EpiPen is very scary. It can be the difference between life and death. We have to put it in perspective, of course, you don’t get an allergic reaction for no apparent reason, if you don't touch or eat anything that is unfamiliar, but it is very unsettling. I was in the middle of no-where and could do nothing to help or change the situation, I just emphasize to her to be extremely careful and try to look for it (as if she needed any of that, as if she was not all stressed anyway). Only at the evening upon my return home, I could take some actions to mend the situation. I contact the doctor who treated her and got a prescription for a new EpiPen. The story had a happy ending - two hours later she called me, the EpiPen was found.

Still, this was a very important wake-up call for us. We have to have two reserve EpiPens; one with her and one with me. She cannot be again in a situation where she has no recourse if a severe allergic reaction will star. Only few weeks ago a young woman, my daughter age, died from an anaphylactic shock because she ate something that had nuts in it without her knowledge and she didn't have her EpiPen with her. A severe allergy is not something one can take lightly. And my daughter is serving in the military now and can be far from a hospital. We have to make sure she is safe.

I am thankful for this wake-up call. I have to admit it was a very stressful afternoon, until she found her device, and I am very thankful that nothing happened, just some anxiety. I also very thankful for a very pleasant hiking trip today; the weather was great, the company even better and the landscape… I am so thankful for such a great way to start the New Year.

 

I am Kneeling Before Thee

Day 254 – it’s the first day of the New Year today. I was talking with my daughter and like so many times we went back to those horrific days before, during and after her anaphylactic shocks from the hair dye. It is and probably will always be a very traumatic experience for both of us. She witnessed it on her body and I was the mom who saw her daughter slipping away and could do nothing to save her but franticly call the doctors and hope they can do what it takes to  save her life. About an hour later it suddenly donned on me – I never even thanked Him for her being alive today!
It is the first day of the New Year and in the Jewish tradition, it is time of reflection, time of assessment and I just knew it. I never thanked Him for her life. I am not a religious person. I never go to synagogues nor pray, but I know that without a divine intervention I would not have my daughter here with me today. I am still crying now, hours later, with this new and so striking realization. How close we were to that point of no return. If anything would have happened to her, I am not sureI will still be around, I think my heart would break from sorrow. But He chose to bring her back from the brink of death and for that I am eternally grateful, I don’t think I will ever be able to pay it back.

I am thankful beyond words for my daughter’s life, for divine intervention, for miracles I took for granted, or at least was not thankful enough for them. I am thankful for this year that started in so much pain and ended on such sweet and promising notes. I am thankful for life spared.

I am kneeling before Thee in gratitude.

Our New Year Celebration

Day 253 – it is the eve of our New Year.it is always a big question – where everyone is going to celebrate it. My ex came to our daughter graduation last week and he leaves only tomorrow morning, so we decided to celebrate it together. Like every good holiday with lots of people – 21 – there was plenty of food. The company was wonderful and it was a great evening. We were there for more than 5 hours and it was very, very pleasant. I forgot how much fun family meetings can be, even if technically, it is my family anymore, it’s from my ex’s side. I love that family (the hosting family) and so it is always fun to spend time with them and if I don’t want to feel awkward then there is no reason for it. The hostess read an interesting piece about the New Year – we all wish each other for a happy new year. But this is something we should not only wish and let the play unfold, but we should take an active role in making sure we’ll have a good year. We should make it into a good year and we should do it with the help of friends and family, together any load is easier. This is really something to think about. Just like I made the year we just finished a very good year, by deciding that every moment is precious, that every moment is something to celebrate. I am not there yet, but I am sure working on it. And even at that stage of imperfection is infinity than before.

I am so thankful for a day full of activities for the holidays. I am thankful for the idea to use my own art for the first time as present – I made nice framed pictures from some of my better photographs and it made me so happy. Two are really good and I am going to make it even bigger and hang it on my wall. I am most of all thankful for an absolutely amazing evening of holiday celebration, of family reunion, for a great hospitality, great food and wonderful atmosphere. I am thankful that even though I am not family anymore I am still invited to this exclusive group. I am thankful for their warm welcoming and friendship.

The Holidays Season

Day 252 – We are celebrating our New Year tomorrow night. Since it is not the Gregorian calendar it was never really felt when I lived abroad. We made sure to have a festive dinner with family and friends but, when we stepped outside life was going on as usual. I had to excuse my kids every year from school for that day, since it was in session. So moving back to my country brings with it one more very special thing – the holiday is everywhere. Stores have special sales, and the malls are bustling with activity as people are buying gifts and a lot of food. At work we had special all hands meeting to toast for the New Year and everyone you know calls and wishes for a happy new year. It feels so nice to be surrounded by love and warmth of the holiday season, something long forgotten. It took me a while but I finally got caught up in the buzz and I went looking for presents for my loved ones. I am still only at the beginning, but I am part of the crowd and it makes me feel so good. I am weaving my heart strings into those of the people around me, into this wonderful place I chose so many years ago to leave behind and had to do a full circle to be able to stand here today and say –

I am thankful beyond words to be back here in my country. I am thankful to be part of the web of life here. I am thankful for this coming holiday that for the first time feels so much like home for me. I am thankful for a full year I lived here and loved every minute of it.

I am Dead Tired

Day 251 – I have a lot of work lately, I am doing my job as well as part of one of my colleagues who is on a half year leave, there are days I am just swamped, not knowing what to do first. On top of it I do some volunteering work and I am also trying to take classes, do the Artist’s way, in short my days are too short and so I decided to wake up at 4:30 this morning and get to work real early. Didn’t work out as planned since I had to make an early morning Skype call I didn’t plan on taking. And then my daughter came to our hospital to start taking tests to identify her allergies, so I stayed with her in the clinic for 3 hours and then we went out to lunch … in short I had to make up for the lost time and by the time I got home I was dead tired. I couldn’t even think clear. Just a quick shower and I crawled to bed. I don’t remember the last time I was so tired.

The only thing I can think of is how thankful I am I can go to sleep. How thankful I am for having a bed and a blanket and a roof over my head so I can crash and be safe and have a chance to sleep. I am so thankful for sleep.

Losing Focus

Day 250 – it’s Sunday and so it is part of my new schedule to go to the gym for my Pilates and belly dancing classes. But, I was doing something and didn’t feel like stopping in the middle to go to class. And so I skipped the first one and from there it was very easy to decide to skip the second as well. I was still working until few minutes ago when I stopped to think what am I going to write in my blog today. and then I realized – I am too easily giving up the things that are important to me for the errands at hand. I am too easily giving up my dreams. Everything gets a priority before the real thing. I prefer  to take care of everyday life, of the mundane instead of investing in my heart and soul.

I am thankful for this realization; not a pretty picture, but now that it put the mirror to my face, I have a chance to fix it. I made a resolution to not let anyone or anything take my attention away from my goal and I am thankful  I caught it early on and I got a chance to fix it and get back on track.   

Our little Dog Park

Day 249 – I took my dog today to the park, like every day and it was empty.  We stayed there for about 20 minutes and just when we were about to leave a young woman came with a very cute dog. My dog immediately went to them and started playing and she was a little hesitant. I calmed her down and told her it’s OK, I was just as afraid few months ago, when my dog started coming to this park. Let them play, they will do fine, I told her. And they sure did. For the next hour we got a display of two playful dogs out to have fun. It was so cute! The girl’s mom joined us at some point and the three of us just sat there talking and having fun as well. It is so nice this local park where all dog owners of our neighborhood can meet and get to know each other. Even here, in my country where people are more open you don’t just walk to someone and start talking; the dog park does it for us. We all know each other, and the little dog stories and slowly the families’ stories as well, and everyone is welcome into the group, as long as they have a dog in toe. New friendships are forged there; new neighbors are welcomed into the community. It is such a unique and welcoming place.

I am thankful to live two minutes’ walk from the little dog’s heaven. I am thankful to all the friendly people I meet on its paths. I am thankful for acquaintances and friendships forged there, for the welcoming atmosphere it adds to our little neighborhood.

Walking in the Rain

Day 248 – it is the equinox today, the day when day and night are the same length – 12 hours each. It is the official beginning of the autumn. My daughter stayed here yesterday, so we decided this morning to go out for coffee. We put on shorts and a light t-shirt and then I looked out through the window and saw how dark the sky is. By the time we got out it was pouring rain. We had two options, go upstairs and give up our plan or step into the rain. Of course we chose option two!! And so the three of us girls (we took our dog with us for the ride) just walked happily in a very heavy rain. In seconds we were wet through and through. We kept walking anyway and it was so much fun!! Needless to say we were the only people walking in the street at that moment. I didn’t do something like that since I was a teenager, and thinking about it now – I don’t see any reason why. It wasn’t on my bucket list, but it should have been there, I just forgot how much fun a little silliness can add to our way-too-serious lives. I don’t remember ever getting so much satisfaction from a short walk to a café – we were laughing the whole time; we were so proud of ourselves for this great idea.

I am thankful for a big dollop of silliness we dished ourselves today. I am thankful for daring to do things differently- it opens paths long forgotten; it fills our hearts with simple joy. I am thankful for creating one more memory from simple daily activities; I like collecting those jewels on the side of the roads.

About Second Chances

Day 247 – for months I kept writing about how happy I am that I left home, how happy I am to be alone and I really did think all of it. But, three weeks ago I met someone and suddenly I don’t really think about  that anymore. I am still very careful about my to-do lists and all the fun activities I do all the time, but suddenly someone is creeping into my calendar, and more so into my life. This is very strange and unfamiliar; I don’t even remember the last time I dated. And now this guy is leaving his foot prints all over my days. From morning coffees to phone calls during the day, to evening meetings, if we both have time or just a longer talk on the phone.  Funny how fast we started creating some kind of rituals throughout our days, and even stranger is the fact that I catch myself thinking about him, or walking around with a silly smile smeared on my face. I hesitated for a few days whether to write about this or not, especially since it has such a slim chance to last, but if I want to stay honest, I have to. So here I am, writing - I met a guy...

I am thankful for this random encounter that brought us together. I am thankful for small moments of happiness. I am thankful for this opportunity to open my heart again, and give life a second chance to make it right.

My Daughter's Graduation

Day 246 – it’s been a year and two months since we moved back here to our country, and today my daughter finished her military instructors’ basic training. She immigrated here with the idea that she wants to serve her country and join the army, and through all the hardship she experienced in the past year, she kept that flame burning hot. She wanted to serve in the military and she wanted to do a meaningful job. She decided on a very difficult path and exceled in this very challenging environment.  And today was her graduation ceremony. So many people came to celebrate with her - her adopting parents with two of their children came, the guy who is responsible for her group, two grandmother and one grandfather, few of her friends from the group, two nieces, and of course her parents. I live here, but her father came from the other side of the world, and landed here only this morning. We had a visit to the base facilities, to see where they live and what they did in the past two months. And then we were ready for the ceremony. It was so moving, just the thought she is now graduating made me cry my eyes out. And then came the most special thing – she was one of the four girls graduating with honors so they stood in front of their whole squad and their new rank and insignia were given to them by the highest ranked commander.  It was so cool!!

I am thankful for a very emotional day, a day that was envisioned such a long time ago and today became a reality. I am thankful beyond words for all the little gifts bestowed on us today, for a morning meeting, for a rush to the supermarket to buy fruits, preparing a poster to embarrass my daughter – didn't work, she liked it. I am thankful for a pleasant ride to the base, for the grand tour and especially for my daughter’s recognition as a natural leader; and I am thankful more than anything else, for my daughter’s very strong and determined character; she overcame so much, every obstacle you can imagine, and today she graduated with honors. She deserve it so muc!!! I am so thankful for this wonderful day.

Lee - in her memory

Day 245 –We live in a very callous world. Such a story is unfolding right now in my country. A young woman, 25 years old, crossed the road legally, and was hit by a drunk driver who drove very fast. As it turned out, the driver, who holds a French citizenship, left her gravely wounded at the scene, drove home, packed some

clothes and drove with the friend that was with him at the car during the accident, to the airport and they both flew out of the country.  It took few days and an intense investigation to find out this part of the story, their running away from here, and everyone is in shock. They men tried to say in their defense that they are good people and all. The point is that they might have been good people until Thursday morning when they decided to get into a car while drunk and drive. They might have been good people until the moment they realized they hit a person with their car and instead of trying to save her life and bring her to the nearest hospital (few blocks away), or call for help they decided to run away from the scene. They might be pious people, but all that cannot make up for the crime they committed. No one blames them for waking up that morning and deciding to kill a young woman, but they did is take a dangerous weapon, the car, and used it while drunk. And this one bad decision ruined their life, but even more so, terminated prematurely the life of an innocent young woman, that all she did wrong, was to be there when these two men drove by. A young woman that had all her dreams ahead of her, and all stopped at that moment. We hear stories of hit and run too often, but even in that arena, what these two men did was an exception. To drive home, pack and flee the country, apparently changing planes several times to try to make it more difficult to track them, is beyond callous, it is a horrific crime and no amount of prayers can make up for something like that. It is appalling and so very wrong. I hope our country will be able to jump through all the legal hoops and to get these criminals expedited here so they can be brought to justice here, where they committed it.

There is nothing to be thankful about when you hear such a story. Maybe that these kind of people are so rare that everyone is in shock. If it was something more common, we’d be in a very different place right now, in a very sad world. Maybe it is a good place for me to be thankful for the other kind of people, those who can stun you with their kindness, and good deeds for no apparent reasons, just because they can or feel like it. I hope these kind of deeds will bring some hope and will light up a little the darkness that surrounds us right now.

An Introduction to the Local Culinary Scene

Day 244 – I met with a friend today and we decided to go for dinner in one of those “hole in the wall” joints that if you are not a local you’ll never even hear about them. so I am not a local, it takes many years to become a local and I am here for only a year, but he is and he likes eating in exactly this kind of places and so we drove to a rundown neighborhood, turning left and right until I found myself parked in front of a sad looking “strip mall” few stores all in serious need of TLC. And then I noticed the place. Everything else was already closed, it was 8pm and dark, but this place had a 15vminutes line just to order the food. There were 3 dilapidated tables outside and everything else had to be “to-go” or actually, to stand around and eat. It’s a husband and wife and now their grandson is helping them. She is manning the grill he is making the all the ground meat mixtures, and put everything on skewers. You order and he just remembers everything for all the 20 or thirty orders on the grill. The interesting thing is that they open the place at 7pm and close when even they run out of Pita Bread, around 9-9:39pm, and if they run out and close and you are still in line – too bad, come tomorrow and try to be a little earlier. They have an interesting business model, for sure. But until they close, the place is a mad house. So we ordered and ate, standing of course, and everything dripping, but OMG it was just unbelievably good!! I have to admit, I would never even think of stopping in a place like that, let along buy food and eat it, but the turn-over is so high, it cannot be anything but clean. It was for sure a very unique cultural experience. I loved it!! I even took some pictures he told them I am from abroad and I want to show my friends. So the picture of this post is the real thing.

I am thankful for this night run on such an establishment. I am thankful of being now included in the “local circle” of people who are in the know of this place. I am thankful to my friend for this so special experience. 

New Classes

Day 243 – I decided not to take the dance class I tried last week, because it cost more than a gym membership every month. And my budget is very tight so since they have belly dancing in the gym, I decided to give it a try. So this evening I went at 8 pm to the gym. They first had a Pilates class and only then the belly dancing. I didn’t do pilates for over a year now, even before I moved here and it is a class I loved very much, and I was happy to see that it is just before the belly dancing. So I spent over two hours at the gym and had much fun, both classes were very good; the belly dancing was not as good as the one I tried last week but good enough that I won’t mind the substitution. So my calendar today became even busier - I put in another entry:  Sunday two hours at the gym.

So Sunday is Pilates and belly dancing, Monday is folk dancing, Tuesday still free evening, Wednesday fold dancing, Thursday painting. I have to find something for Tuesday (JK) – just a regular gym workout. But on a more serious note, I love it that so many things are of interest to me, I love it that my evenings are filled with fun activities. I love the challenges and the enrichment to my life that all these classes give me, and they keep my body in a very good physical condition. Something we have to take very seriously as we get older.  I was very happy that even though I didn’t do Pilates for so long, I didn’t have any trouble keeping up with the class.

I am thankful for a wonderful evening full of physical activities and full of fun. I am thankful I thought of trying the belly dance class before joining the class I tried last Wednesday. And I am thankful I found a good Pilates class. I am thankful for a week full of physical activity. I am thankful my body can take all that and be happy.

Action Packed Day

Day 242 – I don’t know if everyone has that, but I for sure, have slow days and then action packed days as well. Today was an action day. I was full of good energy. I washed my car (it really needed that!) for a start, and then I went to the gym for 2 hours and I was able to run again (I did it yesterday as well) with no knee pain – loved it! when I came back I cleaned my house, and since I was already so full of energy,  I danced for an hour all by myself to the haunting music of Salif Keita (amazing stuff) , and then I took my dog for a very long walk. We went to visit my mother-in-low (ex) and it was very nice. She’s always happy when I come to visit, since she is very lonely, and we had a long and pleasant conversation.  And she always says how wonderful I look (reluctantly at first, since I left her son to be so happy, but now she just appreciate it without being hurt about our separation anymore) the end result of this visit is that she will come with me to my art class next week! I managed to convince this 80 some years old woman who doesn’t want to do much anymore, to join my art class. A miracle!!! I’ll call the teacher tomorrow and let him know. I was so happy, if somewhat surprised I managed to convince her to come. Must be a direct divine intervention – no other explanation makes sense.

I am thankful for a wonderful day, lots of important phone calls and more so full of action. I am thankful I finally washed my car again. I am thankful this is my third workout session this week – keeping the good work. And I am thankful most of all for this divine intervention that helped my ex-mother-in-low decide to join my art class. For 3 hours once a week she will not be bored out of her mind.  

About Arrogance

Day 241 – After so many years I lived in a country where the official language is English, I take it for granted that everyone speaks the language, and even when I moved back here, most people do. Most of my work is in English as well, and so it always comes as a little surprise when someone doesn’t. I just caught myself thinking something not so nice almost ‘elitist’ and it made me upset. And so when few days ago a friend asked me to help him with a letter, it was a little strange for me. But then I heard the story behind this letter, a story of a very kind heart and great things that are done without any publicity, just to help people in need, and not for profit and not for publicity just from kindness, and I felt almost ashamed. I might know how to write nicely but my heart is not anywhere near, I might know how to search on the internet, but I don’t actively look how to help people every day. And so I started to help. Writing letters, doing the research, not much, but at least I am doing something that is not for me in anyway, just helping on a cause. But even more importantly I learned once again that it is not the outside envelope I should look at, and not the clothes, but instead I should look at the heart behind it all and how it applies itself, day in and day out.

I am thankful to my friend who gave me this opportunity to volunteer and help at something that is so easy for me and not so much for him. I am thankful for the opportunity to get outside of my little safe world and hear, even if not yet see, of the life of the less fortunate ones. I am thankful for a lesson in modesty and arrogance I had to learn. Sadly, I was on the wrong side of the equation, I hope it will never happen again.

Painting Class, or How I got Hooked...

Day 240  - today I had my painting class, and I am hooked-  sink, line and all. Most people there are attending this class for the second or third year, but there are few newbies. It was amazing to see each one of them how they approach the project, attack the canvas, all different but all very beautiful, the paintings were amazing. I saw an exhibition of this class last year and this is how I decided to join them. I called last week and got the details and the teacher encouraged me to come and experience it; and so I did. The teacher is very nice, the students all know each other and so a very good atmosphere and he just set me down, put a few vases with different shapes in front of me, showed me how to start and now it was my turn. Every 10 minutes or so he came by gave me some tips on how to do it better, sometimes actually showed me on my paper, how to take the next step and then left me alone to continue.  15 minutes before the end of class they did a mini art show – each one put the piece s/he is working on right now and people where talking about each piece in a very positive manner – what is good and interesting about each picture. At the end of the class I told the teacher I am definately coming back – I just love it! I took my drawing to finish it at home and I was looking at it for half an hour trying to figure out how to finish it. What can I add to the composition, it felt so good – being so' in the moment', just considering what to add to the picture in irder to disrupt the harmony and quietness of the arrangement.  Funny, I used to love harmony and now I just want to destroy it, to add something that will disrupt the whole picture. A hand, an eye, a pepper mill on its side; just something to make the picture less conventional and more interesting, more provocative, more noticable, not your regualr 'still life' picture. 

I am thankful for a long and intensive day. I had very little sleep last night and I worked until late today as well, so I am very thankful for the most wonderful night in the week – Thursday where I can sleep as much as I want. I am so thankful for this amazing class; I am definitely coming back.  I am thankful for the opportunity to spread my wings even more and soar to the sky. I am thankful for the song in my heart.    

My Dancing Class

Day 239 – last week I found on a bulletin board an ad for a dance class. Dance from your belly, which ‘ in our language means also – dance from your gut. and so today I went to the first lesson. It was a class very different from any dance class I ever took. We danced for two hours and it was so much fun. I am very tired now, at the end of the class, and I am sure I’ll feel many muscles I didn’t know I have, but it was so much fun. It is based on belly dancing techniques but with a lot of improvisation and just dancing to the music. Just our feet, or our belly, or our hands and it just draws you in; it really was a very special experience. I had a lot of fun today and it brought a  very different skills set, and a very unique experience. We made an introspective painting in class and I said that mine is about fire and light. I said that I want to live my life with all the energy that is burning in me. I want to live my life without hesitation and I want to walk on the edge. I want every minute to be accounted for and lived. I want fire and danger and to dare trying new things, to have the courage to want and to dream and to try; to have the permission to fail.  Tomorrow I am taking a painting class and then I’ll decide what class I am going to take for this coming year.

I am thankful for this wonderful opportunity to connect with my inner child, and with my inner woman, with my inner wants and desires.  I am thankful for this opportunity to try new things and explore my wants at this specific junction. I am thankful for the freedom I have to do whatever I want and try as many different things as I please. I am thankful to be here and now and in such high spirit that I am actually able to enjoy it all. I am thankful for the abundance I am living in.    

Taking Risks

Day 238 – I want to quote something from the book “By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept” by Paulo Coelho. I copied these few paragraphs years ago but never understood them the way I do now:

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.

Every day, God gives us the sun – and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived that moment, that it doesn’t exist – that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quit that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists – a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

 Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments – but all this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.

Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps he won’t suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back – and at some point everyone looks back – he will hear his heart saying, “what have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were afraid of losing those talents, so this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.”

Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life’s magic moments will have already passed them by.

End of quote.

I now realize that as the years go by, and especially since I decided to leave home, I am learning to love taking risks, not every day of course, but I keep trying to push the envelope as much as I can, as much as I dare. If I am pushing myself to do something I am not comfortable with, if I am feeling uneasy, it’s good, because it means I am walking on the edge, the right place to be.  For years I didn’t dare to dream big, to want big, and to fly. I know I can crush, but the exhilarating feeling and the rushing wind - it so worth it. I never want to lose another magic moment. 

I am thankful for the courage I mastered after so many years to start a journey of self-discovery. I am thankful for every trial, for every failure. I am thankful for the opportunities life presents those who are ready to see them. I am thankful for every magic moment in my life.

New Commers

Day 237– good friends of mine just moved back here after two and a half years there, in the same town as I did, and I went to visit her today. It was very interesting. They are still in the absorption period and are totally out of it. Their furniture still on the way, so the house is pretty empty, only mis-matched things they got from friends; the families are so happy to have them back here so they almost choke them with love…  The only bright light is that the kids are happy and so I know they will all be fine, but it is a rough patch, for sure. I am looking at it and I am thinking to myself – how lucky I was, how easy was my absorption, and I understand the same thing I told my daughter a few days ago – that by staying there longer then we wanted, we actually became better at loving our country. That had we came back years ago, we might have been in the same position as she is in right now. I told my friend – I actively chose not to look at the ugly or upsetting side of living here,  I chose to be happy and not to nickel and dime my life, my happiness is not dependent on anything external, it is mine, it is  inside me and no one can take it away. It is very empowering to understand that I have the key to my happiness; every person has the key to his own heart, his own fate. And if I am not happy – then I am responsible to re-write it with a different ending. So my friends, might be totally confused right now and not sure of their steps but I am sure they made the right choice and I will help them to see how wonderful everything is.

I am thankful for these friends who just moved here. I will try to be the friends they need and help them to go through the chaos. I love them and their girls so I am very happy they moved back and I sure that soon we will be able to see each other more, and I am very thankful for that. I am extremely tired and so I am also thankful for a good night sleep.  

September 11

Day 236 – September 11^th, ten years later; the day that changed everything. I still remember it as if it was yesterday. Standing and watching in disbelief the pictures of the plans hitting the towers and then the towers burning, and burning. The black smoke rising into the air, policemen and firefighters going in and out of the buildings, people jumping, the horror unfolds in real life, just in front of us on the big screen.  And then the worst of all – the collapse of the second tower and of the first one, the cloud of smoke erupting, leaving city and people stunned and the landscape eerie and unfamiliar. I was glued to the TV screen, could not move from it and just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Oh my god was all I could say, again and again and again. I remember the pictures of the mangled metal were once stood so proudly and as a matter of fact two beautiful towers, the frantic search for survivors, and the heart breaking pictures of the missing people desperate family members were hanging, and the stories of loss, of pain, of disbelief. 

September 11, ten years later. In endless war, were so many more young men lost their lives. Regimes changed, dictators fell or were overthrown, and the world is less safe and more fearful than it was. A new world of security checks and orange alerts, of black listed travelers and Guantanamo Bay, of wars, of terror attacks. The mastermind behind September 11^th is dead but the long hand of these heartless terror groups is still everywhere.

What can we be thankful for in a day like that? That through it all, America stood proud and defiant and pulled through. That during the first few days we saw pictures of citizen bringing food and drinks to the search teams. That the spirit, long thought to disappear, showed up in the pride and resilience of the people of New York.

I am thankful we are ten years later and flowers are blooming from the ruins. New life is everywhere and hope came out of that deep pit of despair. I am thankful that with the magnitude of the destruction the toll was not so much higher, as they originally fears.
I remember September 11^th.    

For the Love of a Parent

Day 235 – This morning I was sitting with my parents in their back yard enjoying breakfast and each other’s company and casually talking. My father started with some stories from his past, that I always like hearing since all his family was murdered in the Holocaust and this is the only connection I have with his past, no pictures, no memorabilia, only his memories, his stories. My mother followed with some stories of her own and so we spent a very pleasant and relaxing morning. At some point I brought up few very painful issues from my past. Things that haunted me for years and I started talking about this, from my point of view. Saying that finally after so many years I am at peace now and moved on, but I wanted to bring it up since I think we have to talk about it once so we can put it where it belongs – in the past. I said that I believe that if we don’t talk about our pains, our wants and disappointments, we cannot move on. My mother, mistaken what I said for blame was very emotional, and I said that no, this is not where I am coming from. I know that everything was done with the best intentions but the outcome was disastrous. I made many mistakes because of that and fucked up a lot of things until I was able to connect all the parts of my life and be whole again. I said what I always say to my daughter that to ask “what if” is useless, it is looking back and very destructive to our personal growth, instead we have to ask “what for” is the right question – we take whatever was our role of the dice and make it count, give it meaning. It is strange that I was the one saying that to my parents, but I had many years to think about it and I don’t think they are over- thinkers like me, so I am the one ahead on this one. It made me so good to finally be able to say that. to ask their forgiveness for so many times I hurt them because I was so hurt. And to tell them that at the end of the day, with all the mistakes they were wonderful parents. That I couldn’t chose a better dad then the one my mom chose for me and that as much as I fought with my mom for so many years, I am the same kind of a very dotting mom. I think I listen much more, but I didn’t say that, it really doesn’t matter. I suddenly realize how old my parents are getting. I remember times when they held my tiny palm in their sure hand; now time has changed and the roles are starting to reverse. It is now my turn to hold their hands and make them feel safe and secured and loved.  

I am thankful beyond word for finding the moment and having this long overdue talk. I am thankful I am in such great place in my life that I can talk and be gentle and loving and kind. I am thankful for finally being able to say and understand how much I love my parents, faults and all and to know that if something will happened tomorrow, at least I told them from the bottom of my heart how much I love them. the little bird on my left shoulder will be happy today, I can die in peace.

A Morning Stroll

Day 234– I was strolling the streets this morning when I came upon a bulletin board that stopped me dead on my feet. The first one – a new pub in town decided to open its door on Wednesday nights to Karaoke !! Finally after a long wait there’s going to be a karaoke bar here in town – I’m going to check it – still on my to-do list from many months ago. The second ad was even more interesting – “dance from you guts” it said so I called right away and asked what is it all about. She told me that she thinks dancing is something you have do feel inside you. She teaches some structure, but it’s mostly it’s a very sensual and very free from. I told her that this is exactly how I look at it, and so this Wednesday I am going to a free introductory class to improve and connect even better with the music inside me. Too bad these two wonderful things are on the same day, so I won’t be able to do both on the same time. So I’ll start with the dancing this week and then switch to karaoke the week after. One thing for sure, karaoke is a onetime thing (or at least not very often even) whereas dancing, if I like the teacher and the class I might stay there for a very long time.

I am thankful for this serendipitous event. Once again my stars align and the opportunity presents itself. I am thankful I found someone with the same kind of thinking regarding dancing and I sure hope it will work out. I am visiting my parents this weekend and so I am thankful for that. we never know when is the last time we see someone until it’s too late so I am thankful I got to see them one more time and they look nice and relatively strong, so I hope they still have in them many more such visits.

An Evening on the Beach

Day 233– I live in a city by the sea; I love the sea and I cannot get enough of it and yet I didn’t go even once into the water the whole summer. It was a pretty startling discovery for me. And so today after work I went home, changes into swim suite and drove to the beach. The water in September is great. It’s warm and very calm, almost no waves and at 6pm not many people are still inside. I stayed in the water, frolicking, for about half an hour and then I just set on the beach and watched the sunset. Not a spectacular one, but sunset on the beach is always a festive occasion. And the whole experience from start to finish was wonderful. I can say I don’t know how come I let so many days pass without going to the beach, but there is no point to that, instead I am choosing to look at the bright side – I did it today and I will try to do it as much as possible. Maybe I’ll go at sunrise tomorrow, it’s a perfect setting. Sunset on the beach – it’s like a prayer, like a song.

I am so thankful for this idea to go to the beach. I am thankful for my evening swim and even more so for a sunset. I am thankful for the song and happiness it brings to my life.

A Magical Evening

Day 232– I didn’t feel like staying home this evening and so I decided I am going to have my artist’s date today. I didn’t have anything specific in mind, just a vague idea that I want to walk to city center and then maybe go to a movie. But after a few minutes of walk I just knew where I am going – the little art store on the way, and I knew I am getting paints. I went in and bought some paints and brushes and a little palate and went back home. I put on blaring music, took out my sketch book and started painting, from the heart, not anything with specific shape, just color and texture. It feels so good to do that, no rules, no forms, no criticism, just sheer fun. I had so much fun that after I was done with the first painting I put it aside to dry and took another sketch book and started to paint another one, and here something very interesting happened. My plan was to use the blue as a background, let it dry and paint on top of it, but as I was working I suddenly realized that a face of a woman is peaking between my brush strokes. This was something I didn’t paint it just suddenly formed itself under my brush strokes, like magic. And if this is not enough, after I was done painting I put on the music in full volume and just danced it from within. Lights off, scented candles on and Gilberto Gil amazing voice – what an experience!! Talking about getting connected – this one just goes through and through.

I am thankful for an amazing evening. I am so thankful I find these amazing ideas in me and I follow up on them. I am thankful for the present of music and dance. I am thankful for the first form of art that revealed itself to me, that came effortlessly. I am thankful most of all for a magical evening.  

Bathroom Art

Day 231– I am on week 7 of the program “The Artist’s Way”. I am not an artist yet, but I have a lot of fun. This week is about “recovering a sense of connection”. And she is saying that when we stretch up in order to create it is not sustainable, but for a great personal price. The right way to do that is to realize that all is there already; we just have to connect with it. We just have to bend down and pick it up. I was supposed to write the mantra “Treating myself as a precious object will make me strong” and post it so I will see it daily. I chose to write in in washable markers on the mirror in my bathroom!! I wrote the phrase and enjoyed it so much so I started to decorate around it, and then added some extra words all over the mirror, and then a little poem I conjured on the spot (not a great one, but I sure had fun writing it) and then another poem (ditto for the comment). In short, I filled the whole mirror with fun scribbles.  I had so much fun; to the point that I thought maybe I can do that as an art project – mirror paintings. Because of the double layer it gives really cool effects. And now every time I get into the bathroom, I smile, even thinking about it makes me smile. In one silly action I managed to connect with the inner child in me and bring a smile, and brighten a place that had no such silliness to it before.

I am thankful for this spur of the moment creativity; I had so much fun doing that. I am thankful I found in me the little spark I am so looking for; I hope it will start growing, now that we have found each other again. I am thankful for this program that brings out so many wonderful things I didn’t know I had in me. I am thankful for this gift. 

Another Piece of Technology - Skype

Day 230– I don’t know why it didn’t really occur to me that I have a brand new computer (i.e. all the gadgets) and my oldest daughter has it too. So why not Skype and see her, and see her beautiful daughter, my little granddaughter. I am not really technologically challenged, but somehow I was stuck here. But finally she got smarter and called me today and asked me to go on skype; and there they were all the three girls. I almost cried. She is soooo cute and until now I saw her only on still pictures, hardly do her any justice. Plus it so wonderful to see her in action – sitting, and playing, and drooling, yes even drooling was cute. I miss them so much and seeing them online made me realize it so much more. It is so difficult to me many thousands of miles away and no chance to see them anytime soon. She is more than three months old and I just miss all her growing up. I will be there every few months for a week or two. Removed, totally removed from her life, and from my daughter’s life. This move was so great for me on the personal level but it is tearing me apart. I have three children and I am losing two of them completely. Being so far away and so removed from their daily life; being able to talk at most once a week is no way to keep a family together. I will have to find a way to make it work. To keep all the loose ends of my life without losing any. I will have to find a way to visit more, to have more meaningful visits and to call more, maybe write. For 30 years my kids were the center of my life, I guess I over did it sometimes, but under no circumstances I will let it fade away. Re-adjustments, re-thinking, re-arranging, but I am going to do all it takes to bring us all together again. It was too easy, when I was still feeling my way, to neglect some of it, but I am now strong and confident and I am not going to lose the most important people in my life – my kids and their families.

I am thankful for this wonderful Skype call that brightened my evening. I am so thankful for this amazing technology that allows me to see my little granddaughter from 10,000 away as if she was here, next to me. I am thankful to my daughter that had enough of my weird ignorance and decided to put an end to it and get me on Skype. I am thankful for the happiness as well as the pain in seeing them all happy, but all so far away. I am thankful for this realization of our moving away from each other at the speed of passing time, and the chance it gives me to make amends. I am most thankful for this new chance I got to change my habits, to act differently, and to grow.

Personal Freedom

Day 229– I was on my way to the gym this evening when I got a phone call from a dear friend of mine who lives in a small town not far from my city. She invited me to join her for dinner and some fun talk. I love  spontaneity, and this is something very well ingrained into our culture here, and i have to admit I missed that very much in my years abroad; and so after the gym I just drove there and we had a wonderful evening. I love spending time with her. We know each other for many years but since I moved back here we connected on a whole new level. We faced similar problems but I chose to leave my home and she is still fighting this uphill battle from within. It amazes me to see the amount of maturation and self-confidence she gained during the process, how much she learned who she is and what she wants. I love talking with her; it brings clarity and perspective into my daily life, and shines a light on so many things from my past. I keep telling her that I was not as smart as she was; I did not master the courage and strength to fight so hard to keep my marriage going, and who knows, maybe I could have saved it. I don’t believe this is the case, but we’ll never know the answer. But I did hear also about many hours of fights and clashes, jealousy and control issues. And I can’t say I miss them, any of them, at all. I am so happy it is all part of my past and I don't have to deal with that any more. It's draining and I feel it’s like wasting the best years of our lives bouncing against the walls of our cage to make it wider and more specious.

I am so happy to be out of this arena, out on my own with nothing to tie me down, no one I have to fight in order to do as I please. It will be hard to give this freedom up one day and it is something to cherish and develop in the past year. I know that if I will have a partner again, I’ll have to keep all cards open from the beginning to make sure it will stay open and set the ground rules, but I am also aware that where there are two people there will be fights and scenes, and it is ok not to agree as long as both opinions are heard and respected. But it brings the obvious understanding - it has to be very special in order for me to give up any of what l fought so hard to have.

I am thankful to my friend for this great mid-week dinner. And I am thankful for a wonderful conversation and the little moments of clarity when some stories just clicks and one more piece just falls into place. I am thankful for this friendship and the special meaning she has in my life.  

The Druze Villages

Day 228– I woke up very early this morning after a restless night, but I managed to get back to sleep after an hour. When I finally woke up I decided that I am going to take my artist’s date this week in the two Druze villages in the area. It is always bustling with activity on a Saturday and this is exactly what I was aiming for – the color and action of so many people. I know I am paying more on a weekend, but it was so much fun. I wondered in and out of stores. Looked at all the merchandise; most of it is imported for China or India these days and not local crafts, as it used to be, but still so much fun. I liked all the clothes hanging out side of store, flying in the breeze, the restaurants, the music store, the galleries and the people both local and visitors. Fascinating. I was looking for a long time now for bed spreads and couldn’t find anything I liked and today in this bustling market I found what I was looking for – two beautiful covers – one for my bed in deep red color and one for my daughter’s bed in deep green. And it looks exactly how I wanted it to look.
I am thankful that after months of searching, I found the bed spreads I was looking for. I am thankful for a very lovely and enriching artist’s date. I am thankful for a very lovely afternoon. And at the edge of the villages you can still see the remains of the huge forest fire I wrote about, back in December, this is actually where the fire started – and I was happy and thankful to see today the villages returning to life, recovering from the massive disaster.