Personal Freedom

Day 229– I was on my way to the gym this evening when I got a phone call from a dear friend of mine who lives in a small town not far from my city. She invited me to join her for dinner and some fun talk. I love  spontaneity, and this is something very well ingrained into our culture here, and i have to admit I missed that very much in my years abroad; and so after the gym I just drove there and we had a wonderful evening. I love spending time with her. We know each other for many years but since I moved back here we connected on a whole new level. We faced similar problems but I chose to leave my home and she is still fighting this uphill battle from within. It amazes me to see the amount of maturation and self-confidence she gained during the process, how much she learned who she is and what she wants. I love talking with her; it brings clarity and perspective into my daily life, and shines a light on so many things from my past. I keep telling her that I was not as smart as she was; I did not master the courage and strength to fight so hard to keep my marriage going, and who knows, maybe I could have saved it. I don’t believe this is the case, but we’ll never know the answer. But I did hear also about many hours of fights and clashes, jealousy and control issues. And I can’t say I miss them, any of them, at all. I am so happy it is all part of my past and I don't have to deal with that any more. It's draining and I feel it’s like wasting the best years of our lives bouncing against the walls of our cage to make it wider and more specious.

I am so happy to be out of this arena, out on my own with nothing to tie me down, no one I have to fight in order to do as I please. It will be hard to give this freedom up one day and it is something to cherish and develop in the past year. I know that if I will have a partner again, I’ll have to keep all cards open from the beginning to make sure it will stay open and set the ground rules, but I am also aware that where there are two people there will be fights and scenes, and it is ok not to agree as long as both opinions are heard and respected. But it brings the obvious understanding - it has to be very special in order for me to give up any of what l fought so hard to have.

I am thankful to my friend for this great mid-week dinner. And I am thankful for a wonderful conversation and the little moments of clarity when some stories just clicks and one more piece just falls into place. I am thankful for this friendship and the special meaning she has in my life.