For the Love of a Parent

Day 235 – This morning I was sitting with my parents in their back yard enjoying breakfast and each other’s company and casually talking. My father started with some stories from his past, that I always like hearing since all his family was murdered in the Holocaust and this is the only connection I have with his past, no pictures, no memorabilia, only his memories, his stories. My mother followed with some stories of her own and so we spent a very pleasant and relaxing morning. At some point I brought up few very painful issues from my past. Things that haunted me for years and I started talking about this, from my point of view. Saying that finally after so many years I am at peace now and moved on, but I wanted to bring it up since I think we have to talk about it once so we can put it where it belongs – in the past. I said that I believe that if we don’t talk about our pains, our wants and disappointments, we cannot move on. My mother, mistaken what I said for blame was very emotional, and I said that no, this is not where I am coming from. I know that everything was done with the best intentions but the outcome was disastrous. I made many mistakes because of that and fucked up a lot of things until I was able to connect all the parts of my life and be whole again. I said what I always say to my daughter that to ask “what if” is useless, it is looking back and very destructive to our personal growth, instead we have to ask “what for” is the right question – we take whatever was our role of the dice and make it count, give it meaning. It is strange that I was the one saying that to my parents, but I had many years to think about it and I don’t think they are over- thinkers like me, so I am the one ahead on this one. It made me so good to finally be able to say that. to ask their forgiveness for so many times I hurt them because I was so hurt. And to tell them that at the end of the day, with all the mistakes they were wonderful parents. That I couldn’t chose a better dad then the one my mom chose for me and that as much as I fought with my mom for so many years, I am the same kind of a very dotting mom. I think I listen much more, but I didn’t say that, it really doesn’t matter. I suddenly realize how old my parents are getting. I remember times when they held my tiny palm in their sure hand; now time has changed and the roles are starting to reverse. It is now my turn to hold their hands and make them feel safe and secured and loved.  

I am thankful beyond word for finding the moment and having this long overdue talk. I am thankful I am in such great place in my life that I can talk and be gentle and loving and kind. I am thankful for finally being able to say and understand how much I love my parents, faults and all and to know that if something will happened tomorrow, at least I told them from the bottom of my heart how much I love them. the little bird on my left shoulder will be happy today, I can die in peace.