Weight Issues

Day 286 -   For years I was fighting my weight. Being more and more frustrated about it but whatever I did, I just couldn’t find the will power to stick to it. Even if I lost few pounds I always gained them back and with a little “bonus”. At some point I just gave up, resigning to be fat for the rest of my life. People who don’t suffer from that don’t understand how difficult it is to live your life on the large size. To always scan the room to see if there is anyone bigger than me or am I “it”. To hate shopping for clothes because there is rarely anything that looks good and fits me; to eat and have people stare at me and watch every bite I put into my mouth. To be reminded it is not good for my health and “I am only saying it because I care about you” even though I could run longer and better than most of my friends. In our health craze society, in our ever-about-the-look- society, it is very difficult to be fat.

When I left home and moved back here I decided that I am going to give myself some very special gifts. I am not going to have a scale in my home EVER again, and I will never talk to myself unkindly; I promised to love myself regardless of my clothes size, or the circumference of my waist. I will love myself for who I am and be happy with the way I look. Apparently this is exactly what I needed to break the vicious cycle. I started buying bigger clothes but in real good stores, so I look nice and I am so happy that I radiate; and without the constant reminder of the scale, I just don’t know how much I weigh. And I almost forgot the most important part,  I eat whatever I want, no diets ever again. I live in a city, so I walk more, I go to the gym, and I joined a hiking group, in short I live a much healthier life now, and being alone means that I am not as stressed or depressed as I once was. I could feel my clothes are getting to big on me, and kind of hanging, and I keep getting compliments that I look great and lost so much weight. Yesterday at the gym I decided to step on the scale and I verified the observations – I lost over 22 lb since I moved here. It made me so happy; I liked the number I saw on the scale, haven’t seen it in at least 6 years.

  

I am thankful I am losing some of the extra fat my body accumulated in the last few years. I am thankful all this weight loss is done with no diets, just by living a more active life style and having less stress. I am thankful I finally learned to love my body, regardless of its size and be thankful for having it. I am thankful I get to buy new clothes all the time and by now in regular shops. I am thankful for yet another gift in my life.

Miraculous Recovery

Day 285 -   If I had to choose four musical pieces to take with me to a deserted island I know right away what I’ll take. If pressed really hard, I can narrow it down to three, but I don’t think I can narrow it down any further. You already met two of these pieces – Moonlight by Beethoven, and Rachmaninoff's 2^nd concerto for piano and orchestra. The third one is Beethoven’s Concerto for piano and Orchestra in D major ( I love it more than the original Violin concerto op. 61 ). There is a reason I didn’t write about it yet. The CD didn’t work since I moved here to my new house –it shows an error every time I tried to play it. And it was absolutely devastating. I love this piece sooo much, especially the Larghetto. I wrote poems to this piece; yes, I love it so much. For some reason its music just plays straight on my heart strings just as it plays on the piano keys. And, like I said, it didn’t work. It worked on my computer but not on my CD player, so it loses all the quality of the music.

Few weeks ago I tried to rip three CDs of Dire Straits for my friend. Apparently, now-a-days even this is a complicate task and I managed to create a CD but it didn't work properly. Today I decided to tackle the issue and found what I did wrong on my first (and second) attempt(s). In no time I burned the new CDs and then I had a brilliant idea – if my ruined CD plays on my computer, maybe I can rip it and burn a good copy. Gingerly I put the CD back to my computer, praying it will still work and it did. So I ripped it, burned it on a new CD and right now I am sitting and listening to the concerto for piano and orchestra in D major by Beethoven with Daniel Barenboim as a soloist and conductor!! And my heart is singing, this piece never fails to move me almost to tears.  They always say good deeds won’t go un-noticed, and here you go I decided to do something good and got paid many time more by that.

   

I am thankful beyond words for this serendipitous event that gave me back my beloved concerto. I am thankful for this heavenly music I get to enjoy again. I am thankful this music can play such a major role in my life. I am thankful for every magical moment this piece brings to my life. I am thankful for my trembling heart as I write this entry; I am happier than I can express in words for the recovery of this CD.

Busy Bee

Day 284 -   I stayed home today and didn’t join my hiking group, so I had a very relaxing Saturday. I woke up late (7:30am) and took my dog for a long walk. She has to stay home during my working hours and our night walks are not very long, so I was happy I can take her out today. I met my ex-mother-in-law for coffee again and we spend a very lovely morning together. People sometimes question that, but she was my mother-in-law for over thirty years and she is very lonely, so why not. You divorce a spouse, not their family. I think she has more meaningful conversations with me than with her son, and we enjoy each other’s company. I know she would love to see us getting back together, and it pains her when I say that it’s not going to happen, but I think that deep down she knows that I am so much better now that we are not together anymore. Actually, she even sometimes admits that I look much happier. When I came back home I decided to clean my car, this time a more thorough job and clean the inside as well. An hour later the car was shining and I have to admit, as much as I like to say I don’t give _ _ it is nice to see the inside of the car so clean and tidy. I’ll try to keep it this way and clean it more often. And the final action for the day – I was scheduled to meet my daughter later in the afternoon on her way back to base, so I cooked a nice meal and brought it with me and we stopped on the way to eat it. With all her allergies right now, she eats very little on base and so it is very important for me that at least on the weekend she will eat something more substantial and healthy. I drove her all the way to base so we’ll have some time together, since she had activity all weekend with her group and I didn’t get to see her at all. It was much fun and I got to hear all her cool stories about the training. So I enjoyed the drive very much and I was so happy I could do that. And I almost forgot, before getting back home I stopped on my way in the photo shop and developed the sunset picture from 3 days ago to a 10X12 size and now I have it on my wall, and I can glance at it while writing. Love it!!

    

I am thankful for a very lovely Saturday; full of activities I really enjoyed doing. I am thankful it still felt so relaxed. I am thankful I got to spend time with my daughter, even if it was a shorter than usual. I am thankful for all the gifts in my lifel.

Friday on the Beach

Day 283 -   it’s Friday, so I took my usual position on the beach café, for a book reading and a large serving of sunset. I read for a few hours and I loved every minute of it. I was totally absorbed in the book "The Art of listening to the beating heart" - a heart aching yet magical love story. I read the book and I cried. This is a story of a young man from a little village in Burma; bound by tradition he is forced to leave home, to study in the capital and later abroad, live away from the love of his life for half a century. And it ended on such a sweet tone. An amazing story about the magical power of true love.

And then to add to the beauty of the moment, I was blessed with a magical sunset, every day now the sunsets are so beautiful and I keep taking pictures of them. I think the sunsets are especially amazing this time a year. So I set there, a little cold, I have to admit, it is after all late October, and I enjoyed yet another amazing sunset on the beach. It made me think – maybe I should print all these pictures. I have an album of my photos I started a few years ago; maybe I can add few sunsets to it now and then add some poems. Interesting thought; Love it!!

   

I am thankful for every sunrise and sunset I get to watch; I feel I am connecting to the web of life doing so. I am thankful for such a lovely time on the beach today. I am thankful for such a great day; I will never take that for granted.   

My Best Picture Yet

Day 282 -  It’s Thursday again, my favorite day of the week. It’s my drawing class day. I love this class; I’m sure by now you already figured it out. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. And today was no exception. I go in and just get lost for two hours; completely absorbed in the moment, in the movement of the pencil and the contour of whatever I draw at that time. Time stops outside our door, and inside there is only the Now and the little challenges of how to make a picture better, how to do something new every time, how to push myself a little further. No matter how my day was, no matter how sad or upset or stressed I am, within minutes it evaporates into thin air, and tranquility rolls in.

Today, an hour before class I was already thinking what am I going to draw and I decided to draw my own hand and so I did. My teacher had the idea to add a flower and this is the final product of today's class; a picture I am so proud of. I feel I made a huge leap today in my drawing and I am so happy about that. This is a picture I will happily hang on my wall, at least until better pictures will push it away. It’s funny, when I started the program of the artist’s way I was thinking of a writer, but the truth is I didn’t make enough progress there. What came out of me instead is a painter, which I always tried to do and never really showed any talent. The combination of the right teacher and the right timing is, like always, a winner. So today this posting shows my first real picture and I am very happy I got to this point.

  

I am thankful for yet another great class. I am thankful for the peace it brings into my life, for the deep satisfaction, for clarity. I am thankful for an amazing teacher that in his subtle ways pushes each and every one of us to make better and better art, who brings out the best in us. I am thankful for the serendipitous event that brought me to this class. 

Artistic Bliss

Day 281 – I was driving back from work, still dealing with my aching heart, I was driving to meet someone, not knowing I am coming to meet him just to turn him down. What a mess. I was driving back from work not knowing that in a few hours I will get a frantic phone call from my daughter about another allergic reaction, stressed to a point of break, whether this one is going to go overboard, and I had to try to calm her down promising that it will not.  I was driving back from work, and it really was not my best day, and then I saw this amazing sight. For a few moments I had nothing on my mind except this amazing sunset, the one in the picture above. The colors were more beautiful than my camera’s ability to capture it. But at least it captured this moment of sheer beauty, the rays of hope behind the clouds illuminating the sky... “a Kodak Moment” as they used to call it. Few hours later, I was walking in the park with my dog, trying to nurse my aching heart and thinking what can I be thankful for in a day like that. And yes, by now I know there is always something to be thankful for. At first I thought I can be thankful I have a heart that can be broken, i have deep feelings, it is a very good reason to be thankful. But then I remembered this moment of calm and I decided – I am thankful for this amazing sunset; so pointless, just for God’s artistic pleasure, just so for a few moments I will have nothing on my mind but the right angle to take a picture, a good reason to be thankful today.

  

I am thankful for an amazing sunset, with a promise of healing in its path. I am thankful I saw this magic as it unfolded and had time to run to the perfect spot and take a picture capturing a fleeting moment, never to be returned. I am thankful for all the wonderful moments that sometimes bring in their path broken hearts; I still prefer to be sad later than to never know happiness and joy.  

Some Thoughts about Attachment

Day 280 – I like reading Buddhism stuff. Their ideas are so logical yet so different than our own. Take for example something like attachment. Even to understand the idea is not easy. How can you do something and not be attached to the outcome? How can you want something but be ok if you don’t get it, be content just as well? It is a practice of letting go of control, a practice of acceptance. In our goal oriented society, in such a materialistic world this philosophy is so foreign. And I am really trying to cultivate this idea. There are things I think I lost forever and I am trying to be ok with it. I am trying to tell myself that my wanting is good enough and being attached to the outcome is already being possessive. I am trying to cultivate in me this feeling of deep satisfaction just for seeing it, knowing of its existence and not from “owning” it. Still not there, I have to admit, but I hope with time I will learn the art of letting go. This is how you love a butterfly. You hold it for a short moment in your hands and then you let it go, and just enjoy the beauty that will be crushed if you keep it. I believe it is the same with people. You never hold on to them, you have to let your love ones be free, so they can shine. You just hold them tight for one moment and then you let them go, and hope they will come to rest on your open palm every once in a while. I have to admit that I much prefer holding them in a tight embrace, but sometimes it is just not realistic. And so we can find some solace in this wise philosophy of letting go. This is easier said than done, but worthy goal.

  

I am thankful for life trials that give me the opportunity to practice un-attachment. I am thankful for the little moments of sheer happiness when the butterfly is still in my hand. I am thankful I can practice the letting go; at least I can enjoy its beauty from afar.  

A Magical Moment

Day 279 - Few weeks ago I had an entry quoting Paulo Coelho about magical moments in our days. It sounds so cool but so many times I don’t really see these moments. I look at it as something to strive for. But if you are lucky, sometimes you just know. This morning I was blessed with such an eye opening experience. I just looked at the moment and could feel all the magic there and I could already see that it starts stretching too thin; I could feel it quivers, just before it disappears into the cemetery of lost dreams, lost opportunities, lost moments of magic. I could feel all this and understood that I have such a magical moment in my hands and so I just didn’t let it go. I strengthen my heart, I steadied my hand and I took it. Who knows what are the long term implications of choosing magic instead of the easy way; who knows how many heart aches and tears awaiting me, but I knew, I made the right decision; I will not give up magical moments any more.
  

I am thankful for the magic in my life. I am thankful I was so aware of the moment and didn’t let it pass. I am thankful for all the gifts in my life.

A Remedy for Bad Mood

Day 278 – it is very, very late at night, or should I say very early in the morning almost the time I usually wake up. I just spent the last few hours talking with a good friend of mine, and it was so nice. Catching up and just talking after years we didn’t do that. but the outcome is that I have about an hour to sleep tonight, so this is a very brief entry. Just to acknowledge the fact that another day passed and that even though it started on a sour note – me being way too stressed about work, it ended so much nicer with a drawing class and later that late night meeting.

 

I am thankful a day that started in the most stressful way I had since moving here, still ended well. I am thankful for the peace my art class brought back into my day. I am most thankful to my friend for coming to the rescue.

The Power of Love

Day 277 – Every time a new I am amazed to realize how little we really need to be happy. My parents’ place always puts it in perspective for me. They live in a tiny house in a very remote place and they have very little to their name. What they do have in endless amounts is love. We spent the weekend with them, and as I wrote yesterday my niece and her family were there as well, 8 people in a house that is probably less than 700sq ft (70sq. m), and I almost forgot – I also brought my dog so she was part of everything as well. And it didn’t feel cramped and it didn’t feel like too much and we had such a great time. And I think the only explanation to that is that when your heart is really open, when you are really happy for someone’s presence it doesn’t feel like a burden and this is what you project to them. We spend almost three hours eating breakfast and just talking and laughing and admiring the kids. My parents don’t have much money, but again, they have a big heart and it covers for everything else. I didn’t appreciate it enough when I was younger, and as I get older I can see it so much more. And years of living in the unofficial capitol of capitalism I know how much money and happiness are not synonyms, as much as some people want to believe it is, and how much a good heart can do to make one happy; How much it is really needed in this world.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful weekend. I am thankful for the love and warmth we enjoyed. I am thankful for the important lessons I can still get from my parents about being humble and being good. I am thankful for every day I get to see them and talk to them, it’s a gift I gave myself and my daughter after so many years away, to be surrounded by a loving family again.   

Children

Day 276 – We drove all the way south to visit my parents today. My niece with her husband and her two children are here as well. We didn’t see them for several months now and it is so much fun. Their daughter is 3 years old now and so sweet, she talks a lot and in a very mature way, a big difference from last time we saw her, she sings, she recite poems, she speak in a very logical way, it was so much fun!!! her little brother is now 5 months old and he smiles, and ”talks” and is so sweet. It is so nice to have little children around. They are so sweet and full of life; so spontaneous and with endless ideas of what to do next, and especially so innocent. It’s just beautiful. We spent a lovely afternoon and evening playing with the kids and having such a great time. My youngest daughter is 19 years old, it’s been a while since I last played with little kids. I have to admit, I missed it. I have a granddaughter the same age now, almost 5 months old, but she lives so far away, I saw her few days after she was born and didn’t see her since then. I can’t wait to see her and enjoy another adorable baby. There are people who don’t like children and babies in particular, I don’t even get it. I cannot imagine my life without children.

I am thankful for children everywhere who keep this world an optimistic place. I am thankful for children laughter and joy. I am thankful for those special children that are part of my life. I am thankful for all the children in our family that are yet to come.   

The Magic of First Love

Day 275 - When I was 14 1/2 I lived on a kibbutz. There was this group of teenagers in 12th grade that came to work there as volunteers for two weeks. We were all working hard, waking up at 4 am to work in the fields, and one of those mornings a guy from that group set across from me, in the truck taking us to work, our eyes crossed and that was IT, a love at first sight, like in the fairy tales. Sadly, it didn't end the same way. Five years later I ended this chapter in my life and I pretty much broke his heart doing that. And so I lost touch with him for the next 27 years. Thanks to the social networks that sprouted then, we found each other again, and very hesitantly started the delicate work of getting to know each other again. Last year when I made my final decision to leave home, he was the first one I contacted, and upon my arrival back here, and now in my new status as a soon to be divorced, he was one of my first phone calls, and he was absolutely amazing; and now from the height of my 53 years on this earth, I could see so many things I was not able to see when I was younger. We talked for hours every week diffusing my loneliness. I came back here after so many years away and after a long marriage that was not good for me for too many years, that brought me down to my knees. I really needed a good friend and I especially needed time for myself, to recover and  find out again who I am and what I want to do with the second half of my life. And he was there for me so much, when I so needed this help, when I so needed to hear that there is good in me, that I can shine again. I listened to him and could not believe he even wanted to let me be in any way part of his life, I felt I don't deserve his friendship. I was so not the right girlfriend for him when we were younger, and I hurt him so much, and still in my hour of need he was there for me. I didn't say it then, I never actually did, but it pains me now so much to think how much I hurt him. And there is nothing I can do about it. I can only feel bad about it, very bad, and I do. I look at him now and I keep wondering how different my life could have been had I not made that decision back then to leave. This is not a thought I can even entertain, I would not give up my children for anything, and I think that life is about learning from all our deeds, good and not so, but especially now, when I know the end of the story, I can ask myself the "what if…" question. There is no answer to that, of course. Today we met in the afternoon on the beach. He came with his ex-wife and two daughters and I was there with my youngest daughter and the three girls hit it off right away. An hour later they were already planning a trip to Europe this summer and I looked at all this and again asked myself the very same question, and I still don't know the answer.

I am thankful for this friendship I so don't feel I deserve. I am thankful for the heart aches and for moments of sheer happiness. I am thankful that at the end of the day a beautiful sunset is awaiting us and we got to watch many of those together in the past year. I am thankful for the friendship we creates out of the ruins. 

Fleas!!

Day 274 – We had a quiet afternoon when suddenly my daughter noticed some fleas on our little dog!! We looked more closely and were overwhelmed by the amount of fleas crawling on her. That was the end of the relaxed afternoon and the beginning of a frantic fleas' hunt. It is a holiday today, again, and so all the stores were closed and we had to do with the little ammunition we had at home. We washed her with a special shampoo and then started looking through her thick long fur. At some point it became clear that we have to cut her hair much shorter if want to have any luck in getting rid of them; and this is exactly what we did. Now she looks like a little kid was playing with scissors, very short hair and uneven cut. It may sounds cruel, but it’s really not, she was itching a lot so it must have bothered her also and we were not about to wait 2 more days until the stores will open again to buy some medication; so we did what we had to do and we think we got them all. No wonder we had so many bites lately, and they were not from mosquitoes but fleas, biting, disgusting fleas. Hopefully we won not only this battle, but the war.

I am thankful my daughter noticed the fleas, I checked few days ago and didn’t find anything. Now that we found it, we could take action, and I hope this is the end of the story. I am thankful that our dog is such a good dog and didn’t complain or acted up when we treated her and it sure took a long time. I am thankful that although she had fleas it wasn’t too bad yet and we could get it under control in a few hours. And I am thankful I have no rugs so the damage to the house is minimal. I just washed the floors and we are done.         

Gilad is Safe at Home

Day 273 – Today I participated in the annual Jerusalem March, as part of my work team. People from over 40 countries came to take part in this festive event, and what a special day it was. Our bus left at 5am for Jerusalem, which translate to waking up at 3am, so I’ll have time to attend to my morning pages and take my dog for a very early walk. On the way to Jerusalem the broadcasting of the events leading to Gilad Shalit’s release started (see yesterday’s blog if you don’t know what I am talking about). And slowly things started to unfold, buses full of terrorists driven to the borders under very heavy security, the preparations for Gilad’s welcome here first in the border post for a quick evaluation of his mental and physical condition as well as giving him a soldier uniform and then he will be taken by a helicopter to an air force base where he will meet his family. But when we arrive to Jerusalem he was still in Hamas hands. We had few radios with us and phones so to get updates. We finished our march, which we did extra fast, we walked to the big park were we end this first part of the march and watched on a very large screen the first pictures of Gilad. He was very pale, extremely thin, and a little hesitation in his gait, but alive and even smiling, and it seems that he is in better mental shape than anyone dared to hope. The whole nation stopped everything they did in order to watch frame by frame the story unfolds. I cannot imagine a better place to be today than in our capital, Jerusalem, watching with more than 10,000 other people as Gilad was making his first steps as a free man. I was crying rivers today, like so many others, it was moving beyond words. And I was so proud to be an Israeli today; to witness firsthand how much we all care for each other, how much at times of need the whole country becomes united, breath as one. Jerusalem was covered with signs welcoming Gilad back home.

This march is taking place in Jerusalem for many years. I am sure it will always be remembered as the march when Gilad was finally released. It was so special to walk on the streets of our ancient capital and be so proud to be Israeli, and to be there and to know what this country just did in order to bring back home one of its soldiers.  

I am thankful beyond words that a nightmare of 5 years is finally over. I am thankful Gilad is back home and safe with his family on the long way to recovery. I am thankful I had the opportunity to do the Jerusalem March. After so many years abroad I am trying to catch up and this is one of those events. Check.

Gilad is Coming Back Home

Day 272 –Tomorrow is a very special day – after more than 5 ½ years as a POW the soldier Gilad Shalit is coming back home tomorrow as a result of a very costly exchange agreement. Many terrorists are going to walk free tomorrow in exchange for Gilad’s freedom.  Like most people in my country I am so happy that his ordeal is finally over. I am very sad that so many murderers are getting their freedom when they sure didn’t deserve it. Each and every one of them has innocent blood on his/her hands. I can only pray that at least some of them will change their horrific ways and will not return to murder more innocent people. Gilad was a soldier in the IDF when he was kidnapped from his post 1941 days ago. He did not go beyond enemy lines, he did not kill anyone; he was kidnapped while on patrol on the border. And yet, against all international war laws, for 1941 days our government could not find a partner to negotiate with in order to get him released. Do you event get what 1941 days mean? Think of what you did 5 years ago, 4 years ago, 3, 2, 1… can you imagine losing our freedom even for one week? I sure can’t. I am sure for Gilad it was an eternity, especially since he couldn’t know what tomorrow holds for him, if he will ever get his freedom back and I am sure that he did not get a VIP treatment by the Hamas. We all here pray for his health and for his mental health. No one really knows what to expect. But at least he is starting his way back to life tomorrow after they were put on hold 1941 days go. I read it somewhere and it is so true, he was the son of his parents but during this long fight to bring him back home he became the son of all of us, the son of the nation. And as such he will be welcomed here tomorrow.

I am so very thankful that Gilad Shalit is coming home tomorrow. I am thankful this day is finally here. For the past week, since it was published, the whole country is holding its collective breath in anticipation. It is a very special occasion and I am so thankful to be here and be part of that excitement where a whole country is welcoming back one of its sons. To honor his return, I decided to extend my blog to 1941 days, so to get the feeling of how long that period was.    

A Spoon Full of Sugar

Day 271 – Before I moved here I use to have a nice lady who cleaned my house for more than 14 years. I used to bring my cloths to the cleaner instead of washing and ironing shirts, to go to restaurants very often, go on fancy vacations every few months, not having to think about where the money will come from. I knew things will be different once I leave my home because  I will not be making as much money as my ex-husband did, and so I will have to live on a much smaller budget. I have few friends who decided not to pursue a divorce exactly for that reason. But for me it was not even a question, I prefered to live on very little money and less extravagant life style but leave my home than to live in a gilded cage. And so I did. The tradeoff is that I have to do a lot of the things I used to pay for other to do, that vacations are not as often and not as fancy, that I don’t go out as often and that I am very careful with my expenses. All this long introduction is only to say that this weekend I had too much fun going to the beach and hiking that I neglected to do one of my chores – cleaning my house. And so today I had to make time for it and I spent the last 3 hours cleaning. I am trying to make it a fun activity – the music is blasting and so I can sing aloud while cleaning and just looking at it as a workout – no need to go to the gym on a day like that, but seriously, it’s no big deal. Of course it’s nice to come to a clean house where someone else did the work, but I can think of some worse things that could happened. And if this is what I have to pay in order to be a free woman, I think it’s worth it. And the cool thing is that at the end of the three hours I have a very clean house and I like that feeling very much.

  

I am thankful for a very clean house I have right now. I am thankful for the opportunity to develop again some balance. I am thankful for the lessons I get every day, about being humble, modest and good. I am thankful I am learning time and again not to take things for granted. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow. And with a spoon full of sugar, cleaning a house is really no big deal.

A Great Hiking Trip

Day 270 – I love the fall here. The days are beautiful but it is not so hot anymore, a perfect weather for people who love to hike, like my hiking group. So this morning we drove to the north part of the country and we went on a long and difficult hike. It was not very long millage wise, but we walked in a dry ravine and so the whole trail was covered with large boulders which made the progress slow and challenging at times. But when you like hiking, and we all do, this is actually part of the fun – the challenge of different terrains; sometimes it’s the steepness, sometimes the sheer climb and sometimes, obstacles along the road, like today. but it is all part of the fun and as tired as we sometimes get at the end of a specially difficult hike, we can look back in satisfaction that we conquered yet another path in this beloved country of ours. And today was one of those days. It was slow and challenging and at some point knees and ankles start to hurt, but we were so proud to finish it.
    

I am thankful for yet one more fun hiking day. I am thankful for being able to spend a whole day outdoors with friends and having a great time. I am thankful that at our age we still find this kind of activity fun and something I’d do just for kicks. I am thankful for being here in my beloved country and being able to love her with my feet every time.  

The Saddest Book I Ever Read

Day 269 – Another beautiful day, so I decided to go to the beach. I stopped on my way at the book store and got three books (of course – I never buy just one book) and so well stocked, I arrived there around 1pm. The day was warm and sunny and I went to one of the many cafés on the beach and opened one of the books, and got lost, completely. It is one of the saddest books I ever read. Written by a famous local author, whose son died in the last war, and this book, written 5 years later is his attempt to find his voice again and to give voice to the greatest lost one can experience. He talks in a very lyric way about the huge hole in the place that once was a beating heart. The book is called “Falling out of Time” and he gives voices to people who lost their children in many different ways, but the pain and the feeling of the wall that was erected between them and everyone else is the same for all of them, as well as their inability to get back to life, to feel again. I never cried so much reading a book. The pain is so raw and unbearable even to those outside of this group. I just read until I finished it, the book is so intense, and there is no place you can even stop reading it, I wiped my eyes one more time and set there for half an hour just lost in thoughts before taking the book and started reading it again. Not many books left such an impression on me. The book is heart wrenching, even more so knowing that he is writing his from personal pain, and I am sure he is giving voice to so many people who cannot put into words the pain that stopped their life one day. The courage he needed in order to write this book is just beyond comprehension, the candor and the courage to open his bleeding heart and show it to the world. I hope I will never have to understand first-hand the pain he is talking about; I do wish for him and for everyone in this horrific place to find some solace; to find a way to continue with their lives. I think about it a lot; living here in this country you can’t ignore the subject of death of young people, but I never thought of it in such raw terms. It is the biggest fear of every parent – to outlive our children. It’s against nature and our human hearts are not built for that, our mind is even less capable to deal with such tragedy.

I am thankful for every day we don’t have to scarify new young men to the Gods of War, for everyday no one died of accidents, diseases, suicides. I am thankful for every day my kids are well and happy, for every day I get older and closer to my end, closer than they are, just as nature meant for us.

A Glorious Day

Day 268 – It is a holiday and most people are with their families, especially here in this country where everything is so personal. But I have no family near by and so holidays feel a little lonely sometimes. I will have to find a solution for that, but until then, I just enjoy what I have the best I can. And I am really good at that. I don’t let myself being sad, I always find something nice and fun to do. And today, the day was gorgeous. Such blue sky with no clouds at all, everything looked like it staged against a blue screen – so unreal. I went out in the morning for a little stroll with my dog, but it was so beautiful that the stroll got much longer. I called my (X) mother-in-law and we met for coffee and spent two lovely hours together. Later I kept walking to the nicest overview spot in our city by the bay, and enjoyed the view. It was packed; I guess I was not the only one realizing how amazing the day was. on my way back home I called a friend and she met me on my way and came with me home. So from a little stroll it became a five hours outing. But, the day was warm, the sky so blue and the sun so nice I could not think of anything better to do on such a glorious occasion.

I am thankful for such a lovely time with family and friends. I am thankful for the long stroll I took with my dog. She gets to spend many hours at home alone during the week and so I am very glad when I can take her on such an outing. I am thankful for an amazing and beautiful day, just the way a holiday should look like.

For the Love of a Country

Day 267 – Sometimes you have to deprive yourself of something in order to fully appreciate it. It donned on me today that this holds truth even for something as big as a country. I chose at the age of 30 to leave my homeland and try to establish my life elsewhere. I learned the language really well, for 20 years I barely read in my own language, I tried to assimilate as much as I could. But as time passed the first cracks started to appear. “A man is a mold of his homeland” say the sages and it is so true. Nothing can touch my heart as a sunset over the sea here in my country. There is nothing like the blossom of the almond trees here in late winter, like the blue sky after the rain, like a sunrise over the bay that I keep taking pictures every few days. I saw many sunrises and sunsets in my adopted country, but nothing ever touched my soul as the same sights in my homeland. It so close and personal, it gets under my skin. I am totally in love with my country. I look outside and I can see that not everything is peachy, I can see the corruption and the short temper, the brashness of the people; I can see that we live on the edge of a volcano that can erupt at any moment and will claim so many young lives before it will cease again. And yet, through it all, or maybe despite all that, I love my country, I love every moment I am here and all those faults are just part of what my country is and I love it faults and all. I wake up every morning happy to be here and today I finally got it, I am a mold of my country. I love its landscapes and its vegetation, I breath to the same rhythm of it all. This is the only place I’ll ever be at home. I am back to my language, dreaming and writing in the only language that will ever be really mine. I had to be 22 years abroad in order to fully understand what this country, this place, and the wonderful people around me mean for me.

I am thankful beyond words for this understanding. I am thankful for the love I feel every day to my country and its people. I am thankful for the years I spent abroad because they built that love and connection in me. I am so very thankful to be here. For the miracles that had to happen for me to find my way here after so many years abroad. I am thankful to all my wonderful friends and to all the complete strangers who extended a hand, a smile, a good word; that made my integration back here so easy and meaningful. I am thankful I can fall in love with it again every single day.

A Bliss

Day 266 – I am getting near the end of the program of “The Artist’s Way”. I am starting the process of looking back and it is absolutely astonishing! I still remember the old me who started the program and I can see the energy, the openness, the bliss. I can’t believe that in 11 weeks I could make so many changes, that I have changed so much. I am in a painting class and loving every minute of it, I will start creative writing class in 2 weeks and I can’t wait for that. I draw at home and I don’t go anywhere without my camera, because so many times I just see things that have to be captured; I go on trips, hike, talk to friends, in short I feel like I’m on such a high!

I have to write an inventory of change. I’ll do it tomorrow I am, as usual, too tired. But I am also very happy to be in this place right now. I feel like the possibilities are endless.

I am thankful I found this amazing book and did the program. I am thankful it worked miracles for me. I am going to give that class as a service with no monetary reward for me, just for the joy of doing the program for another 12 weeks with a group so the energies will do miracles, I am sure of that. And I am thankful for another long day at work but it marks the beginning of a long weekend. How wonderful life can be!

Sad News

Day 265 – I got today a very sad e-mail. A friend whom I didn’t talk to in several months asked for my new phone number and told me that our music teacher the one who lead the singing group I was part of few months ago, died. He was 53 years old. I did not go for practice since I flew back to see my new granddaughter, I talked to him few days before, telling him I am traveling and I got so busy upon my return that I just forgot all about it. Apparently he died few days after we talked. He had a massive heart attack and didn’t make it. You always hear these stories but to know the man who just died is very different. And it makes me so sad that I didn’t even know about it for so long, for 4 months. He was such a nice man, gentle and kind; he had family that he left behind with no answers. It is so sad to die so young and so not ready. I had this discussion with my kids many times if it’s better to have a sudden death or to die of illness and I think it is better to have a little slower death so you have time to say your goodbyes and try to get some closure. But especially that the people around will have some time o get use to the idea and to start the letting go.

It is so sad when someone dies such a sudden death and at such an early age – there is still so much we leave open with great plans for the future. I can only hope that when my time comes, I will have time to prepare for it and I will not be forced to leave abruptly. I don’t want to suffer of course, but I don’t want it to be too abrupt. I am a woman of many words I want to be able to say them all before I leave.

We have to be thankful for life, especially at the face of such death. I am thankful for every day I wake up in the morning and for every day I get to end with a good night sleep. I am thankful for every day of my life; for good days, for great days and even for lousy days, because they all have in them the great promise of a ‘Tomorrow’.

May my friend and teacher Michael Ben-Dov rest in peace.